Summarize
Part four explores Modes and Applications of Christian Counseling. Clinton and
Hawkins focus on eight aspects of practical modules for the counselor: Group Counseling;
Premarital, Marriage, and Family Counseling; Separation, Divorce, and Divorce Mediation;
Sexuality and Sexual Therapy; Families and Family Therapy; Child and Adolescent Issues;
Substance Abuse and Behavioral Addictions; and Grief, Crisis, and Trauma Intervention. Each
chapter moves from affinity small group counseling based on shared interests to specific
counseling settings.
Chapter thirteen explores the topics of Premarital, Marriage, and Family Counseling,
ranging in topics from premarriage to retirement. When discussing premarital counseling, the
writer introduces an accessible resource entitled Prepare-Enrich. Prepare-Enrich has been
around for more than thirty years while training over 80,0000 US facilitators and more than
300,000 facilitators worldwide. According to the writers, “the program is being used by
counselors, clergy, relationship educators, and mentor couples.”1
According to Olsen and Larson, Prepare-Enrich assesses twenty-five aspects of the
couple’s relationship. “Major areas include ten core areas, personality, relationship dynamics,
couple and family system, and cultural context. The ten core areas include communication,
conflict resolution, partner style and habits, finances, relationship roles, family and friends,
parenting, sexual relationship, leisure activities, and spiritual beliefs.”2 The assessment provides
the facilitator feedback to engage the areas that fall below certain thresholds or determine that
1 Tim Clinton and Ron Hawkins, The Popular Encyclopedia of Christian Counseling: An indispensable tool
for helping people with their problem. (Eugene, OR: Harvest House Publishers 2011). 256
2 Ibid, 257
the couple may be far apart. Prepare-Enrich provides feedback for premarital and married
couples.
An additional resource to aid engaged and married couples by Gary Chapman called The
Five Love Languages. Gary identifies five primary expressions of how individuals, young or
old, communicate love. According to Gary, the five love languages are quality time, physical
touch, acts of service, giving and receiving gifts, and words of affirmation. Helping couples
identify their language dramatically enhances their ability to give and receive love. The
tendency for many is to communicate their love language. The inability to communicate the
partner’s love language diminishes what Gary calls the person’s love tank. However, the
communication of the proper love language refills the person’s love tank. The Five Love
languages provide couples a quiz and, most recently, an app called Love Nudge.
Greg Smalley addresses marriage enrichment and intimacy. The Bible makes clear the
primacy and value of marriage. Beginning in Genesis and continuing through many scriptural
passages, the Bible reveals that God views marriage as important and a central role in the
proliferation of the Kingdom of God. Greg asserts that a marriage preserves when the couple
devotes themselves wholeheartedly to each other. He cautions that the disengaged heart
interferes with the intimacy of the couple. “Couples drift apart.”3 One of the ways that a couple
can minimize the drift is by maintaining healthy communication.
It is not a surprise that couples have conflict when there are two sinners and two
perspectives, the bride and groom. Therefore, conflict is inevitable. Conflict resolution becomes
growth opportunities for the couple. However, Kathie Erwin asserts, “Conflicts can provide
opportunities for individuals in a relationship… to see beyond the current reality and negotiate
3 Ibid, 263
new options that may not have been attempted without challenging the status quo.”4 She offers
readers a conflict intervention practice called the “Peace-maker’s PAUSE.”5 The intervention
practice recommends five steps to Christian conflict resolution.
The chapter continues with issues that plague and occur within relationships. Issues of
fidelity (visual, physical, or emotional), emotional abuse (systematic degradation of a person’s
self-worth), domestic violence (the culmination of physical verbal, or sexual abuse occurring
between two individuals), victimization (a pattern of withdrawal), aging (fear and anxiety
associated with aging process), and empty-nest (grief and emptiness associated with children
leaving home) issues are addressed. Each issue requires an assessment in order to provide
adequate treatment.
Lastly, Kathie addresses a topic that could accompany aging as a potential threat if
adequate planning is not done. She states that “Retirement planning needs to include coaching or
counseling to help the preretiree find a new life purpose.”6 Failure to prepare for retirement
creates new levels of anxiety within the individuals and puts a strain on the relationship.
Concrete Responses
During the six years of this church plant, my skills as a premarital counselor
improved tremendously, yet I pursued more training. Attending workshops and training such as
Prepare Enrich gave me additional tools to become a more effective counselor. In 2018, a new
assignment awaited my family and me in Chicago, IL. The number of couples in search of
spiritual premarital and marriage counseling doubled within this first year, and I realized the
need for continued training. Discovery of continued education helped me to understand that
many couples realize the importance of spiritual counseling, but many did not understand the
4 Ibid, 267
5 Ibid, 268
6 Ibid, 280
spiritual nature associated with marriage. The premarital sessions yielded multiple baptisms,
recommitments, and new commitments to the local church. However, some sessions only
revealed brokenness that resulted in refusing further treatment.
As I journeyed through Prepare-Enrich with a couple, this premarital session revealed
how much self-worth diminished the young man’s ability to see his value in the relationship. In
our premarital sessions, it was revealed that his value was based upon his financial contribution.
He was unable to see how his low self-worth caused his fiancé to become withdrawn. I believed
that we were making significant progress. The couple connected with our church, and we would
meet a few times to aid his spiritual formation. However, within a few short weeks, the
gentlemen reverted to his old practices. He had grown distant, refused to return my calls, and
broke off the engagement.
Unfortunately, he could not see the trauma that he was inflicting upon his fiancé and
himself. Fortunately, our church family has rallied around the young lady to ensure that she is
emotionally healthy. The pattern of being a victim of circumstances he displays is still
disconcerting especially as he is not trying to get back in good graces with the ex-fiancé.
Admittedly, I become frustrated by these actions and his unwillingness to engage in any form of
spiritual formation.
In response to the increasing need, I desired to provide a more robust spiritual counseling
for the couples in search of it. The goal that I have set for myself is to better equip myself for the
task of ministering to couples, whether through premarital or marriage counseling. Many people
that I have met are discovering a truth about marriage that extends beyond their intellect,
experience, education, or abilities. Spiritual counseling provides a unique opportunity for some
to discover that there the spiritual aspect of marriage. I hope to delve deeper into the principles
of counseling while exploring practical applications to aid these couples to live a more Spirit-
filled life of marriage.
Reflection
“The study on the efficacy of FT was don with post-relationship, post-crisis
women.”7 There appears to be a presumption that men do not face any real sense of emotional
abuse. The definition provided addresses the repetitive actions that abusively tear down
someone. This form of abuse from my experience as a pastor is not gender specific.
Unfortunately, in a hyper-masculine society, men are not permitted to express emotions or
feelings. My concern is that this section does not approach the subject of men experiencing
emotional abuse.
I met many men that struggle with a real sense of self-worth. The inability to discover a
true sense of value paralyze these men and render them impotent. These men are often incapable
of becoming the best version of themselves. Often, emotionally abused men cannot or will not
admit to emotional abuse to not appear weak. Many men portray a tough guise based upon a
script that has been told to them. The masculinity script is limiting and restrictive, which is
incongruent with scripture. Jesus says, “So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed
(John 8:36).” There is a freedom that is found in Jesus, freedom from scripts, limitations,
inhibitors, or anything that prevents any person from becoming the best version of themselves.
The lack of self-worth could be contributed to being ignored. “Ignoring someone over
time conveys the message ‘you don’t exist’ and may be one of the most unrecognized yet serious
forms of emotional abuse (Sackett & Saunders, 1999).”8 While considering my own experience,
7 Ibid, 272
8 Ibid, 271
I struggled with this growing up. I have no doubt other men have been ignored and feel less than
or that they do not matter.
When I became a youth pastor, I witnessed young men clamoring for attention or to
simply be seen. Therefore, these young men exhibit misbehavior to be visible. I agree that “A
person’s sense of self is formed in relationships.”9 Growing up in a gang-infested community,
young men would get involved in a gang to feel valued. The broken community of gang shape
young men into something less than the best version of themselves. I would have like to see
more data regarding how many men have suffered emotional abuse in addition to data about men
as domestic abuse victims.
Application
The book revealed the vital role that Christian counseling offers to the
community. The role of Christian counselors is to “help clients become more like Christ and
grow into a deeper intimacy with God and with one another.” 10 The writers describe the
function of the counselor “serves to refocus, facilitate, instruct, and reinforce client action toward
growing up into maturity (Ephesians 4:12-16).”11 The reading has revealed the greater need for
this service in our communities. In light of the current pandemic and other crisis, people are
searching for spiritual guidance or direction to deal with the anxieties that plague their lives.
I envision utilizing the skills and tools from my studies to have a greater kingdom impact
through gospel-centered counseling. As a church planter, I often look intently within the
community and discover what the needs are then explore practical ways the Gospel might
address the needs. The compelling and overwhelming need for spiritual marriages through
premarital counseling is deafening yet provides a unique opportunity for the Gospel to move into
9 Ibid, 272
10 Ibid, 11
11 Ibid, 11
that neighborhood. Premarital counseling “gives couples an important head start by helping
them learn the basics of sharing their lives with one another.”12 As a Christian counselor, I want
to see the statics change for marriages within the community. My goal is not simply to obtain
knowledge or experience, but I will make application of these skills to reach those near, the
faraway, disenfranchised, and the forgotten. My expectation is to provide the families in my
community the opportunity and skills to have a gospel-shaped marriage. This is the Gospel in
action, which calls us to compassion.
12 Ibid, 259
