2
Summarize
James C. Peterson’s book “Why Don’t We Listen Better? Communicating & Connecting
in Relationships” (2015) was written for all those who want to be better listeners and
communicators. The techniques and insights are given to assist people with listening better and
having a conversation that is focused on helping others and not just winning the conversation.
Dr. Peterson includes three major sections in his book, and within these sections, he provides
thirty-three techniques designed to help the reader or listener communicate better, while also
listing particular methods that will help apply them.
Dr. Peterson shares what he calls the flat brain syndrome and illustrates this concept by
connecting the stomach, heart, and head. Feelings and emotions are located in the stomach,
responsibilities are located in the heart, and thoughts and logic are located in the head (Peterson,
2015). When a person begins to get a grasp on this, they can begin to better understand their own
emotions and feelings, which in turn will assist them in being more open to communicating.
Dealing with emotions and how they feel, individuals can tend to ignore them and keep them in,
leading to the emotions and feelings controlling them. As Peterson points out, an individual can
use their emotions and feelings to either build up or tear down (Peterson, 2015). Peterson
provides the techniques of para-feeling and para-thinking as practices to put into play for the
person to avoid the flat brain syndrome (Peterson, 2015).
Peterson continues by breaking down the process of Talker-Listener, which is a process
that assists the communicators in keeping the conversation going while remaining positive. On
this journey to overcome the flat brain syndrome, Peterson puts the “commune” back in
communications and allows for more effective conversations (Peterson, 2015). Peterson then lays
out the talker and listener goals to help in overcoming flat brain syndrome. The talker's goals are
3
to share their feelings, share their thoughts, and include the word “my”, and the listener's goals
are to provide safety, understanding, and clarity (Peterson, 2015). Peterson shares the failure of
communicators but provides goals for the individual to overcome the failure in these areas.
Peterson goes on to share philosophies and techniques that are designed to add to what he
has already laid out in order to grow the skills of communicators further. He provides the ten
communication traps all communicators should avoid that will add strength to their
communication skills and make their communication more effective (Peterson, 2015). In this
section, Peterson continues to give techniques that will help people not only listen better but
provide better communications as well. In the conclusion of his book, Peterson includes the
section “Listening Is An Act Of Love”, in which he makes it clear that when a person has love,
respect, and compassion for other people, they will in turn listen better (Peterson, 2015).
So what?! A person must really and truly listen in order to be a better communicator.
Many times, during communication a person may hear what is said, but their mind often goes
straight to responding. When this occurs, the person is no longer focused on the one talking but,
on their response, which leads the person to not listening, even though they may be hearing.
Communication, as presented by Dr. Peterson, is a two-way street where listening is vital. The
techniques, strategies, and practices given in this book will indeed help others balance their
talking and listening skills by leading them to be more effective communicators. We listen, then
we talk, then we listen some more, for it is written that we should be quick to hear and slow to
speak (James 1:19. KJV).
Respond
The Me I See Now
4
In the very beginning of the book, Dr. Peterson wrote something that I discovered
explained the “me” I see now. As he stated, I started reading this book with the idea that I was a
good lister, but like many others who have read the book, I found that I am not (Peterson, 2015).
Examining myself in light of what Peterson brought out, I found that during conversation, I am
focused more on what I might say in response to what the other person has said, which causes
me to not really listen. This also causes me to miss out on important information or moments
where key feelings were being shared. When placed under the microscope, I now realize that my
listening skills are not what I thought, and this is not the “me” I want to be. To unlearn things in
order to be a better listener and an all-around better communicator, I must take the steps now and
practice the techniques I have learned by applying them. I also realized that I have the tendency
to insert myself into the situation of the person, and this makes me the talker instead of the
listener. When this takes place, I find myself focusing more on my own thoughts and I end up
missing what the other is saying. I so appreciate this book because it has transformed the way I
think of both talking and listening.
Reflect
The Me I Want to See Soon
The me I want to see soon takes the time to balance talking and listening and also balance
my feelings and thoughts (Peterson, 2015). From the book, I found that my issue is dwelling on
the feeling, but not seeking what thought is attached to that feeling. Becoming a better listener
will assist me in discovering the thought that is attached to the feeling, and this will help me
become a more effective communicator who possesses a healthy balance of thinking, feeling,
talking, and listening. I want to see myself become someone that others know listens, and shares
the truth according to God’s word, no matter what thoughts or feelings are attached.
5
To make this happen, I need to put in the work and do better at listening to people in such
a way that, as Dr. Peterson states, other people invite me into their lives (Peterson, 2015). My
issue is when others are sharing their experiences, I want to invite them into my situation and
compare mine to theirs. Of course, transparency can be beneficial, but it can also lead to the lines
between talker and listener becoming blurred. I must stop with this because in doing it, I aid in
the development of flat brain syndrome. It causes me to lose control of the conversation and
moves me and the other person into an awkward situation, bringing a decrease in true
communication.
Act
Becoming the Me I Want to Become
There is no better time than the present to put this into action. The first place to this into
action is within my own family. It is written that if any does not provide for his own, especially
those of his own house, he has denied the faith and is worse than an infidel (1 Timothy 5:8.
KJV). Putting this into action starting in my home will flow over into other areas, other
relationships, and into ministry as well. To practice listening and not just hearing will add to the
conversations and make them more meaningful. The sad realization hit me while reading this
book that I tend to listen better and treat the members of our church congregation better than I do
my own family. I tend to find myself more willing to listen to a stranger than those closest to me,
and this is an issue that must be dealt with immediately. I must begin to lean more toward the
listener side of the conversation and more away from the talker side. I will be the me I want to be
and the me God has designed me to be by prayerfully applying the techniques and practices
presented by Dr. Peterson in his book. I will rely on the strength and guidance of the Lord to help
me make this a reality in my life. I want to be invited by others to come into their lives because
