4MAT Book Critique:
The Dream Home
Liberty University
PACO 615: Marriage and Family Counseling
Dr. Elias Moitinho
February 20, 2025
Summary:
Conflicts within marriage happens way too often. It is also inevitable that marriages will
encounter problems, some of which may end the covenant. Christian couples are not immune
to these relationship ending conflicts and as a result, they experience stress and
discouragement. Relationships tend to have conflict because the two people in the marriage
lack the knowledge and skills that would make marriage easier and more fruitful. Unfortunately,
this deficiency can cause couples to fail to connect, adjust, or grow in their marriage.
In their book, The Dream Home: How to Create an Intimate Christian Marriage, Dr. Elias
and Denise Moitinho provide a unique perspective on marriage and resolving marital conflict.
They aim to make marriage and marital conflict something that couples can relate to on a
personal level. In essence, they use a home as a metaphor for marriage and skillfully weave in
analogies to address a variety of areas in a marriage as they walk you through building your
dream home. The goal is to assist the couple in creating the home they would ultimately dream
to live in with their spouse. This means creating the ideal, intimate, Christian marriage that God
intended from the beginning.
This book helps married couples by helping them focus on the biblical worldview of
marriage by allowing them to visualize the areas of a home in order to picture how they can
step through creating a real-life dream home. Each chapter of The Dream Home: How to Create
an Intimate Christian Marriage offers helpful advice and relationship skills that are based on a
strong biblical worldview. Providing insights of their research as well as their own unique
wisdom gathered from a range of experiences, including ministry work, professional life, and
personal life.
Reflection:
The Dream Home: How to Create an Intimate Christian Marriage by Moitinhos explores
the concept of a home and its incorporation into a biblical worldview, focusing on the American
dream of happiness ever after.
I chose this book for an odd reason, in that I am not married or in a relationship but
really want to get married one day. While there is not much in this book that is directed at
single people, it is a desire of my heart to be there one day and I want to be in a healthy place
now so I can be ahead of the curve in the future.
When I think and pray about what it will be like being a relationship, it kind of scares me.
I am fearful that I will screw up. The last girl I dated had terrible communication issues and it
made the relationship so hard that it imploded in less than a month. I spoke with my stepdad
about it, and he told me that relationships are hard, but when you are with the right person
even the hard days seem easy. I agree with that sentiment.
If I am going to be building a dream house with someone someday, I want it to be with
someone that loves the Lord wholeheartedly and wants to go the distance. Someone that is
willing to sit down and talk about the hard stuff, but not let it weigh us down. I want a spouse
who understanding and exists in the love of God, and lets his love flow through her so that her
whole life is based on the character and priorities of Jesus. I want someone who forgives as she
has been forgiven, and someone who loves as she has been loved. If that is the goal? Then I
have to start reflecting on the principles of this book now so that when the day comes, I am
ready to build a dream house with that woman.
Critique:
One of the most interesting concepts the book introduces is John Gottman’s
communication theory on the concept of marital conflict. He describes The Four Horsemen of
the Apocalypse, and according to the text, "these destructive patterns of communication are
predictors of divorce." (Moitinho & Moitinho, 2020, p.84). Gottman's interpretation of these
destructive patterns of communication in this section of the book. He states that criticism
occurs when a spouse verbally attacks the other's personality or character; defensiveness is a
countermeasure when one spouse feels attacked by the other; contempt is an act of attacking
the sense of self with the intent to insult or abuse; and stonewalling is when one partner
withdraws from the conversation and from the relationship.
The Moutinho’s do offer Gottman's antidotes to these situations, but those antidotes
seem to be applicable to what exist in the marriage currently, not necessarily a preventative
measure. While these concepts are destructive to a relationship, not just a marital one, I would
have liked to see more time spent explaining each area and understanding how marriages get to
the point that they are already at these tipping spots.
Perhaps though, the book itself is the preventative measure. There is a lot of different
rooms discussed in this Dream House, and each one if applied correctly with unity and love, will
act as preventative measures. Regardless, I still wish there was a bit more time spent on what
could prevent the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Application:
As a result of my engagement with this book, I intend to re-examine my expectations of
my future marriage to make sure that I do not have anything that is unrealistic,
underdeveloped, or unspoken. While I am not married and do not currently have one that I am
dating, I feel I can apply this book to myself currently to seek out a partner that would be good
to build this dream house with.
While I am an opinionated individual and I will let people know if they hurt my feelings,
there are some cases where I am less inclined to speak up. I do not like it when people yell at
me or accuse of me things, and when that happens I tend to shut down. If I am in a relationship
and an argument becomes heated, I do not want the be the man that shouts back or shuts
down. I want to facilitate healthy conversation with my future spouse, even if it is
uncomfortable.
The book's statements about self-care have also had quite the impact on me. I know and
believe that God has crafted me into being and that I am in the process of sanctification, but I
tend to ignore my own wellbeing for the sake of serving others. I see the need to establish a
regimen of feeding my mind, body, and soul in a healthy, spiritual way that will nourish any
relationships or friendships I have now or in the future. Ultimately, it begins with me. It needs to
my priority to take steps to taking care of myself emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and
physically; and to carry it out in my everyday life.
As a result, I believe my relationships and friendships both now and in the future will
thrive and strengthen. This book, “The Dream House”, has been an excellent source of
information to help me set realistic expectations in any relational situations that I will face and
has helped me set attainable goals.
Reference:
Moitinho & Moitinho (2024). The Dream Home: How to Create an Intimate Christian Marriage.
Kendall Hunt Publishing –
CustomWholesale. https://mbsdirect.vitalsource.com/books/9798385150977 Links to
an external site.
