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Heavy is the Weight: Therapeutic Communication
Grief, horrific loss, suicide hints, and anger are just a few examples of heavy conversations that
we may come across as the listener. Petersen made a statement that really stuck out to me, “people
seldom jump off a bridge when someone understands their pain” (p. 192). Sometimes all someone who
is spiraling really needs is someone who will sit in the mud with them. Not someone who will force them
out of it. Just someone who will go through it with them. As the listener it is imperative that we be real
with the talker. Do not wear an air of professional, do not pretend to understand when you clearly do
not, ask clarifying questions. Other important forms of leadership are inspirational leadership and
individualized consideration remembering that “wise leaders invest most of their attention in helping
others grow” (Petersen, 2022, p. 63). My goal as a listener is not to push the talker to a “quick
resolution” but to find a resolve at their own pace and in turn grow as a person.
Unlike what society would like us to believe Petersen tells us that “the grief process takes a
minimum of eighteen months” (p. 176) and should be provided the needed time to process (Petersen,
2022). Many do not want to come forward about how they feel about a heavy situation such as death. It
is easy to feel as though you are merely a burden to those around you when you are drowning in grief
and not allowing the connection needed to start the healing process. As someone who has lost loved
ones, three very painful losses in the past year, I can relate and understand the feeling that your grief
makes you a burden to those around you. However, truth be told our grief does not make us a burden, it
makes us human. Something important to keep in mind is that while in this world grief is a part of this
life and should not be masked. A perfect example of this is John chapter 11 verse 35, “Jesus wept”
(Christian Standard Bible, 2020). If even God on Earth felt grief, what makes us believe that we, as his
children, will not feel grief. I personally find it hard to share my grief when I am experiencing it. I do feel
guilty when asked “how can I help”, “what happened” or “do you want to talk about it”. My high “I”
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personality states that I like to influence others to be the best they can be. In my mind that has me
convinced that if I share “Debby downer” information then they may be influenced to feel negative
emotions instead of uplifting (Carbonell, 2009).
While it is not easy as the talker to express the grief that we are feeling it is also not easy to be
the listener when discussing grief or other heavy emotions and thoughts such as suicide. In chapter 20
Petersen reminds us that there will be times when we are the listener for someone who is hinting at the
possibility of self-harm or suicide (Petersen, 2022). When this happens, it is important to keep in mind
that only a professional equipped to handle the situation can treat the client when things get severe.
With this in mind it is important to figure out if the client is at the point of needing professional help or if
they need to process through the feeling of being overwhelmed by using a method that could bring
some light on the situation. Such useful methods are mentioned in chapter 21 and include, “leading the
witness”, “the pebble in the pond” or “nexting” (Petersen, 2022). Petersen also reminds us that our tone
will carry a heavy role in helping the talker in such situations. Our tone needs to be filled with empathy,
warmth and allow the talker to feel the genuineness that we are trying to convey (France & Weikel,
2020).
France and Weikel shed some light on the true meaning of empathy. The common public
understanding of empathy is to show that you understand how someone is feeling. This is not enough;
“You must also communicate your understanding to the client” (France & Weikel, 2020, p. 57). It is easy
for the talker to sense when sarcasm is being used and when true empathy is in play. The need to see
that I, as the listener, am being attentive to the conversation. This can be done by rephrasing statements
they made into a question; this shows that the listener is not merely present but truly invested in what
they are attempting to relay to the listener (France & Weikel, 2020).
France and Weikel that while empathy is understanding and communicating said understanding;
warmth is communicating care for the taker (France & Weikel, 2020). Empathy alone could make the
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talker feel as though they are being pitied and not heard. Warmth helps soften the talker’s heart and
mind to realize that what is being conveyed is not pity but warmth and genuineness. Genuineness is
essential in the talker-listener relationship and especially for the real relationship (France & Weikel,
2020). Wearing a mask would only hurt the attempts to connect with the talker. Doing so would also
make building a real relationship all but impossible. The three interpersonal skills: empathy, warmth and
genuineness, are key factors to creating positive relationships with the talker. Through these skills I will
be more equipped to aid the talker in finding a resolution for their situation via processing their
emotions; and at their own pace not one that I have set as the listener. Thus, reinforcing my goal to aid
the talker in processing the difficult emotions and their growth as a human being who is cherished by
God.
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References
Carbonell, M. (2008). How to solve the people puzzle: Understanding personality patterns. Uniquely You
Resources. https://mbsdirect.vitalsource.com/books/MBS1878948
Christian Standard Bible. (2020). Holeman Bible Publishers.
France, K. & Weikel, K. (2020). Helping skills for human service workers: Building relationships and encouraging
productive change (4th ed.). Charles C. Thomas Publisher Inc.
Petersen, J. C., (2022). Why don’t we listen better? Communicating and connecting in relationships (3rd ed.).
Petersen Publications.
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