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Running head: PERSONAL THEORY OF FAMILY DEVELOPMENT
PERSONAL THEORY OF FAMILY DEVELOPMENT
Lynda Burke
Liberty University
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Abstract
This case study paper is the result of several marital assessments with a married couple who are have never
had children. This married heterosexual couple was asked to participate in several assessments in which
involved online interviews as well as take home assessments, due to the ‘shelter in place’ order. The first
meeting through Zoom, focused on building rapport with the couple as well as attainment relationship
background and explaining the assessments that they will each answer and then email back. Due to the
“Shelter in Place” order that most states are currently under due to the Corona19 virus, meeting online
through Zoom is a safe alternative to meeting in person in an office. The first session will afford contextual
data about the married couple. Numerous written assessments were administered and scored for
supplementary analysis. Conclusively, an evaluation and inference will help verify their relationship
fulfillment and contentment. This article integrates a proposed relationship enrichment along with a
closing dialogue concerning the assessments given.
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Case Study 1: Married Couple without Children
This paper will address the assessments completed by a married couple of nearly 35
years. “Each person needs to come to a better understanding of who he or she is” (Wright, 1977,
pg 77). Laurie is a 56-year-old Caucasian female and Steve is a 53-year-old Caucasian male
(their identities have been changed to protect their privacy). The couple is a heterosexual,
cohabitating, couple; Laurie and Steve have been married for nearly 35 years. “He who finds a
wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the LORD” Proverbs 18:22 (Bible Gateway). This
is Laurie’s second marriage and Steve’s first. “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only
Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life” John 3:16 (Bible
Gateway).
Laurie is a special education teacher and Steve is a tile and granite contractor. Laurie’s
highest level of education achieved is a bachelor’s degree in education. While Steve only has his
high school diploma. Laurie did state she is currently working on her master’s degree in
education with a focus on Special Education. Both parties work fulltime but currently, Laurie is
working from home due to the Corona19 virus and Steve has not been working. Laurie and
Steve have been struggling over the last year, but neither can figure out what is causing their
arguments. “Boundary issues in marriage always require an understanding of the situation”
(Cloud & Townsend, 1999, ch. 2, pg. 37). And he said to his disciples, “Temptations to sin are
sure to come, but woe to the one through whom they come! It would be better for him if a
millstone were hung around his neck and he were cast into the sea than that he should cause one
of these little ones to sin. Pay attention to yourselves! If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he
repents, forgive him, and if he sins against you seven times in the day, and turns to you seven
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times, saying, ‘I repent,’ you must forgive him.” Luke 17:1-37 (Bible Gateway). Steve said that
lately every time he brings anything up to Laurie, she seems to snap at him. However, Laurie
denies ever snapping about anything. “The Law of Motivation states that we must be free to say
no before we can wholeheartly say yes” (Cloud & Townsend, 1999, ch. 2, pg. 49).
Session Action Plan
Laurie and Steve have been married for nearly 35 years and living together for just over
40 years. “And said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his
wife, and the two shall become one flesh’?”, Matthew 19:5 (Bible Gateway). The pragmatic
issue within Laurie and Steve’s marriage is feeling safe to voicing their concerns. They met at a
friend’s wedding and moved in with each other after a couple of weeks, when Laurie’s lease
came up for renewal. Steve and Laurie cohabitated for about 5 years before they got married.
Steve is the oldest child and only has one younger brother, while Laurie is the baby in
her family of 5 kids. In Laurie’s family she is the youngest of three daughters and two sons.
Steve states that Laurie is used to getting her own way due to being the baby in her family.
Laurie has stated she does not feel like she ever gets her way, she said that Steve argues with her
if she does not just agree with whatever he said.
Steve and Laurie recently moved to a piece of property after selling their house. Steve
wanted to build a new house as he said their old house was just too big and too old. Laurie
agrees that the house was old and big, but she is not happy they are going to build. Laurie
believes this building process will put more stress on their relationship. Laurie said that she tried
to clarify her reasoning about building, but Steve was just set in his opinion. Laurie states that
Steve does most of the speaking, whereas she is more restrained and has always given into Steve
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but is tired of that, her expressions and body language show her impatience and annoyance with
Steve about virtually everything he expresses.
It’s hardly surprising that what you think about someone often determines how
you’ll treat them. The assumptions you make about your spouse and your
relationship can determine the state of your marriage’s health. Marital problems
easily arise if your thoughts and feelings are distorted – if your ‘subtitles’
reinforce a negative view of your partner and your marriage” (Gottman & Silver,
1994, ch.4, pg. 103-104).
Laurie said, “she feels tired of Steve having to have his way about everything”.
Observing Laurie’s facial expressions and her body language when Steve says something she
disagree with, tells the whole story.
Steve disagrees that he demands to have things his way. Gottman & Silver ask “Can you
remember the last time you and your spouse discussed a problem in your relationship? Who
brought up the hot topic? I’d be willing to bet it was the woman” (1994, ch.5, pg. 138). “And do
not forget to do good and to share with others, for with such sacrifices God is pleased” Hebrews
13:16 (Bible Gateway).
Both Laurie and Steve are very religious, they attend church most Sunday mornings and
they state that their families go to church, however, only Laurie’s parents go every week. Laurie
appear to be professionally dressed, as though she had just left the school she teaches at,
however, she is currently teaching online now. Steve had jeans and a dirty t-shirt on, saying he
had been working on the slab for their new house earlier that day.
They both seemed to be open to participating in the assessments and look forward to
strengthening their relationship. Steve is quick to answer the questions whereas Laurie answers
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quieter, typically only responding after the therapist ask her how she feels about what Steve said.
Laurie said that when Steve ask if she would like to go out to eat (before the Corona19), she
typically says “sure, wherever you want to go”. When she is asked why do you say ‘where ever
Steve wants to go?’ She answers it is just easier, otherwise he says no to whatever I suggest. The
way she is handling this does not seem very healthy.
Steve and Laurie state that they share many things, like where they like to vacation or the
type of new care to buy, off-road riding and camping but they different in a lot of ways. Steve
likes to go out to the bars and to the lake, but Laurie does not drink as much as Steve and would
rather drink at home so neither of them needs to drive. Laurie commented that Steve wants to go
out to the bar all weekend where she would rather get a 12 pack and stay home to spend quality
time together. Psalm 81:12 “So I gave them over to their stubborn hearts to follow their own
devices” (Bible Gateway).
Laurie said, “I just want to address our issues and see how we can fix them”. One such
struggle they have had is when they discuss having children. Both parties agree that they do not
want to have children. Laurie, stated she has never wanted to have children. That she does not
have the “mothering’ instinct. Steve does not want to have any children, stating that his brother
got sc**wed over by his baby’s mom. Steve said his brother pays a small fortune every month
the mother. This caused an issue with Laurie, she said just because Steve’s brother could not
work things out with his baby’s mom does not mean they would split up if they had kids. Steve
tried to say it is a moot point since she does not want children anyhow.
They give the impression to agree as to what chores should be done by who and state that
they both are pretty clean people. Laurie does state she believes she will end up doing more of
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the domestic chores while Steve will do more of the fixing, building, yardwork, etc. Steve states
he often does home repair projects for Laurie’s parents as well as at their house.
Laurie states she is more financially aware than Steve is, but that they both are
independently responsible for their own finances. Laurie states that Steve still is on his parent’s
cell phone plan, which she thinks is not right. Steve said he pays his parents for his cell phone
and does not see any reason to change things up. Laurie states she has always paid all her own
bills and thinks Steve should also. Steve says he is responsible for everything he needs to pay
and that they discuss all big purchases before either of them buy something expensive. They
have discussed that once Laurie moved in to Steve’s apartment they both began to split all of
their bills. Steve told Laurie she did not need to pay anything, but she said it was only right. She
looks at it as both parties will still be financially responsible for contributing their fair share
towards their shared bills, such as the house payment, utilities, car insurance and cell phone bills,
but that one of them could help the other one out if needed.
The therapist ask the couple if they have reached out and contacted their pastor, other
church members, friends, family members, or professionals about their issues? Generally,
neither party feels they have very many issues that need to reach out to friends, family or their
church. Steve said they do not receive too much feedback from outside influencers other than
their families. Laurie had a disagreeing look on her face and when ask, she said that Steve does
talk to his buddy if they get in an argument. Steve does not see an issue with it, but it does
bother Laurie. Laurie said Steve gets irritated when she shares their issues with her dad. “Often
parents have virtually no say in whom their son or daughter chooses to marry” (Kostenberger,
2010). Steve says he believes Laurie’s dad has a lot of influence over Laurie, as well as a lot to
say to Laurie and Laurie’s mom about their issues. Laurie states when external influences affect
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their relationship, that they discuss the issue and work things out based on their own needs rather
than those of the influencer. Neither admit to knowing anyone else personally that face the same
challenges they do.
Analysis
Steve said he believes Laurie is more stubborn that he is, but admits he is willing to give
in to things he does not feel are important to him. However, Laurie disagrees with Steve on who
is more stubborn and who gets their way. Laurie said, “I do not get my way a lot more than
Steve, because I never voice my opinions because most things aren’t worth a fight”.
Both parties state they have discussed where to live and whether to have children or not.
Both Steve and Laurie’s parents thinks they should have children. But after all these years they
have finally realized neither Laurie nor Steve wish to have any children.
Most of their shared friends are Steve’s friends and their girlfriends or wives, rather than
Laurie’s friend. Laurie states she does not have a lot of friends and the ones she has Steve does
not like. Steve denies discussing their issues with their friends, but Laurie knows he talks to his
buddy Bob, because Bob’s wife tells her what they talked about. “The church has been so
seduced by psychological counseling for so long that anything that seems at odds with the
current counseling practices is usually considered a consequence of ignorance.” T.A. McMahon
(Christian Quotes).
Evaluation
To be able to evaluate Laurie and Steve’s relationship better they agreed to taking some
assessments. “You guide me with your counsel, leading me to a glorious destiny” (Psalm 73:24).
The first assessment was the 5 Love Languages followed by Marital Adjustment Test (MAT)
(Chapman, 2015). Relationship Scales Questionnaire (RSQ; Griffin & Bartholomew, 1994) and
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Relationship Questionnaire (RQ; Bartholomew & Horowitz, 1991) which were acquired from
Kim Bartholomew, Simon Fraser University. The last three assessments that Laurie and Steve
did were obtained from Ciarrochi, J., & Bilich, L. (2006), the Emotion Control Questionnaire
(ECQ2) developed by Roger and Nesshoever (1987), Belief in Personal Control Scale (BPCS) by
Joy L. Berrenberg; and the Dysfunctional Attitude Scale (DAS) by Arlene Weissman.
5 Love Languages
Clients Laurie Steve
Physical Touch 10 3
Acts of Service 9 9
Words of Affirmation 7 10
Quality Time 4 6
Receiving Gifts 1 2
MAT
Clients Laurie Steve
Possible 158 158
Score 84 94
Percentage 53% 59%
RSQ
Clients Laurie Steve
Secure 5.6 mean/0.80ss 2.3 mean/1.33ss
Fearful 4 mean/ 1.58ss 3.25 mean/ 0.43ss
Preoccupied 4.75 mean/2.27ss 3 mean/0.70ss
Dismissing 4.2 mean/1.83ss 3.8 mean/0.97ss
ECQ2
Clients Laurie Steve
Count 56 56
Sum 85 81
Mean 1.51 1.44
Standard Score 0.49 0.49
BPCS
Clients Laurie Steve
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Count 45 45
Sum 157 147
Mean 3.48 3.26
Standard Score 1.04 1.48
DAS
Clients Laurie Steve
Count 40 40
Sum 191 187
Mean 4.77 4.67
Standard Score 1.66 3.17
Summation. This couple has been together for nearly four decades and married for 35 of
those years. As a whole, they agree that they have very few issues and that they believe God has
a hand in their marriage. “You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off
your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of
your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness”
(Ephesians 4:22-24).
Creating
Working with Laurie and Steve, it quickly became apparent that they believe in God and
were very open to a Christian viewpoint. Proverbs 15:22 “Plans fail without advice, but with
many counselors they are confirmed”. The counselor and couple went on to that some additional
fellowship can help support their marriage and assistance them to discover how to communicate
better through fellowship. Both parties stated they would be willing to look in their community
after the Corona19 “shelter in place” is lifted.
Method. Laurie and Steve’s schedule has opened up since Steve is not working currently
and Laurie’s school is closed due to the Corona19 virus, allowing them to meet online with their
therapist more often. After their first meeting which was on Zoom, it has been agreed that Laurie
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and Steve would work on their assessments independently of each other and that each one would
email their assessments to the therapist prior to their next session. Further, they have agreed that
the following sessions will be done online through Zoom-Video Conferencing until the Corona19
“shelter in place” orders are lifted. Laurie is much more tech savvy, than Steve is but they both
state they are comfortable with using Zoom video conferencing to allow them to maintain social
distancing and have agreed to continuing therapy through zoom until the social distancing orders
have been lifted. Some upcoming assessments that Laurie and Steve will be doing are: Is the
Conflict Avoider Style Of Marriage Right For You? (Gottman), Are You Comfortable With A
Volatile Or Validator Style Of Marriage? (Gottman), Family Assessment Device (FAD), and Primary
Communication Inventory (PCI).
Scriptural and Counseling Support.
Biblical counseling is very similar to psychological counseling. Both types of counseling
are used to communicate, nurture, reprimand, and provide guidance to help with issues in life,
marriage and families. It is said “Do not be misled: “Bad company corrupts good character”
(Corinthians 15:33). When one does not have faith in God it is easy for them to be led astray.
Deuteronomy 13:13, “that troublemakers have arisen among you and have led the people of their
town astray, saying, “Let us go and worship other gods”. When one does not have a strong
believe in God, it is easier for them to be led awry. Harry Emerson Fosdick states “preaching is
personal counseling on a group basis” (1969). What Harry Emerson Fosdick said makes a lot of
sense, a counselor meets with a client, a couple or a family to address the issues the individuals
are struggling with, while a Pastor meets and counsels the congregation, yet both the counselor
and the Pastor are trying to improve others’ lives. Steve quoted, Proverbs 13:10 “Where there is
strife, there is pride, but wisdom is found in those who take advice”.
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The quantity of academic data accessible for counseling individuals are abundant.
Turkvan-Ravenell, (2020) “As Christians we’re to counsel others and listen to wise counsel so
we can all grow in Christ. The Holy Spirit who lives in us will help us in guidance and learning
God’s Word”.
Quotes
1. Proverbs 11:14 A nation falls through a lack of guidance, but
victory comes through the counsel of many.
2.
3.
4. Proverbs 24:6 for you should wage war with sound guidance–
victory comes with many counselors.
5. Proverbs 20:18 Plans are confirmed by getting advice, and with
guidance one wages war.
Counsel from God.
6. Psalm 16:7-8 I will praise the LORD who counsels me— even at
night my conscience instructs me. I keep the LORD in mind
always. Because He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken.
7.
8. Psalm 32:8 [The LORD says,] “I will instruct you. I will teach you
the way that you should go. I will advise you as my eyes watch
over you.
9. James 3:17 But the wisdom from above is first pure, then
peaceable, gentle, accommodating, full of mercy and good fruit,
impartial, and not hypocritical.
The Holy Spirit our counselor.
10. John 16:13 When the Spirit of Truth comes, he will guide you
into the full truth. He won’t speak on his own. He will speak what
he hears and will tell you about things to come.
11. John 14:26 But the Counselor, the Holy Spirit–the Father will
send Him in My name–will teach you all things and remind you of
everything I have told you.
Listening to wise counsel.
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12. Proverbs 19:20 Listen to advice and receive discipline, that
you may become wise by the end of your life.
13. Proverbs 12:15 A stubborn fool considers his own way the
right one, but a person who listens to advice is wise.
Build each other up.
14. Hebrews 10:24 We must also consider how to encourage each
other to show love and to do good things. We should not stop
gathering together with other believers, as some of you are doing.
Instead, we must continue to encourage each other even more as
we see the day of the Lord coming.
15. 1 Thessalonians 5:11 So then, encourage one another and
build each other up, as you are doing.
16. Hebrews 3:13 Instead, continue to encourage one another
every day, as long as it is called “Today,” so that none of you may
be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin,
The Bible is the only tool you need.
17. 2 Timothy 3:16-17 All Scripture is given by God. And all
Scripture is useful for teaching and for showing people what is
wrong in their lives. It is useful for correcting faults and teaching
the right way to live. Using the Scriptures, those who serve God
will be prepared and will have everything they need to do every
good work.
18. Joshua 1:8 This Book of the Law shall not depart from your
mouth, but you shall meditate on it day and night, so that you
may be careful to do according to all that is written in it. For then
you will make your way prosperous, and then you will have good
success.
19. Psalm 119:15 I want to reflect on your guiding principles and
study your ways.
20. Psalm 119:24-25 Your statutes are my delight; they are my
counselors. I am laid low in the dust; preserve my life according to
your word.
Reminders
21. Ephesians 4:15 Instead, by speaking the truth in love, we will
grow up completely and become one with the head, that is, one
with the Messiah,
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22. James 1:19 Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters! Let
every person be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger.
23. Proverbs 4:13 Keep hold of instruction; do not let go; guard
her, for she is your life.
24. Colossians 2:8 Be careful not to allow anyone to captivate you
through an empty, deceitful philosophy that is according to
human traditions and the elemental spirits of the world, and not
according to Christ.
25. Colossians 1:28 He is the one we proclaim, admonishing
anteaching everyone with all wisdom, so that we may present
everyone fully mature in Christ.
Time-frame. Over the last four decades, Laurie and Steve have been dedicated to each
other with uncommon problems and never so large they felt unable to conquer them. However,
with the ‘Shelter in Place’ order causing them to be home with each other for nearly a month
now, their temperaments are growing short. Laurie has stated she looks forward to continuing
therapy at least for the next couple months. At minimum they have agreed to participating until
the ‘Shelter in place’ order is lifted.
What each session will cover
Desired Outcome. Both Laurie and Steve have a strong relationship with God.
Hebrews 13:4 “Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled,
for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous” (Bible Gateway). They trust in Gods
words and when they struggle, they each turn to God for assistance and support.
In the first short paragraph, analyze the possible positives and negatives of your
proposal. What is the desired outcome, in the best-case scenario? In the second short paragraph,
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describe a poorer/negative outcome, and what would be the way you could follow-up with the
couple?
Behold, a day is coming for the LORD, when the spoil taken from you will be
divided in your midst. For I will gather all the nations against Jerusalem to battle,
and the city shall be taken and the houses plundered and the women raped. Half of
the city shall go out into exile, but the rest of the people shall not be cut off from
the city. Then the LORD will go out and fight against those nations as when he
fights on a day of battle. On that day his feet shall stand on the Mount of Olives
that lies before Jerusalem on the east, and the Mount of Olives shall be split in
two from east to west by a very wide valley, so that one half of the Mount shall
move northward, and the other half southward. And you shall flee to the valley of
my mountains, for the valley of the mountains shall reach to Azal. And you shall
flee as you fled from the earthquake in the days of Uzziah king of Judah. Then the
LORD my God will come, and all the holy ones with him (Zechariah 14:1-21),
(Bible Gateway).
Conclusion
The counselor has suggested that Laurie and Steve read the book Why marriages succeed
or fail… and how you can make yours last (Gottman, J. & Silver, N., 1994). Further, the
counselor suggested that the two clients work on letting each other start a conversation, as Laurie
acknowledges she is the main person who speaks. Both, Laurie and Steve, appear to recognize that
they have a mutual struggle within their relationship. Laurie stated she will work towards
allowing both to feel heard and to ensure Steve has the chance to voice his thoughts also. If this
couple does succeed in improve their communication skills, develop a more equal relationship
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where both parties feel valued this will afford them with superior insight about their relationship.
One suggestion that the couple seemed interested in doing was the Fishbowl challenge. Per the
explanation, they would write a number of topics that they do not agree on or have never
discussed and each person takes a turn to draw one slip, read the topic and then discuss their
feelings on the topic while the other person just listens. Active listening would defiantly help
this couple communicate better.
Non married no children
8/9 basic “C’s” (
Communication,
Conflict Resolution,
Commitment,
Contract,
Caring/Cohesion,
Character,
Culture,
Children,
Church
in chapters 11–12 found in the Williams et al., book. The second session is when you will have
them fill out a short assessment that is available for you to print off from online.
Steve and Laurie have been together for nearly four decades and married for 35 of those
years. Together they have recently sold their house and bought a piece of land to build on. This
significant change has caused so turmoil for them in addition to the time off work and them both
being at home full time right now due to the corona19 virus and the 'Shelter in Place' orders
throughout the USA. Many people are struggling during this time, not only because they are
spending a lot more time with whomever they share a house with, which most people are not
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used to spending 24/7 with their mate (other than during a vacation or some other fun
activity) and many are getting laid off or in the case of Steve not working thus not bringing in a
paycheck.
"The problem with debt is that it lingers. We often face stressful events that are
difficult and can cause emotional turmoil, but they’re usually short-lived" (Pascale, 2018).
Laurie said finances has never been an issue for them, they have always made good money and
enjoy taking vacations and enjoy doing fun off road activities and never having to worry about
how they will pay their bills. However, with Laurie's income from her school they still have half
their income, but with Steve not doing any tile or granite work, he is not bringing in his normal
pay.
With Steve wanting to work on the new house and not bringing in a paycheck, Laurie
is covering all of the bills and feels like Steve is not holding up his end. Laurie has told Steve he
should have had money put aside for a situation like this. Steve said how was he supposed to
plan for a lockdown to happen. How could he plan for people to not let him into their homes and
for his granite supplier to be closed. We have discussed this issue and Laurie said she does not
blame Steve, but she is feeling a lot of pressure to foot their current bills plus provide extra
money towards the new house. To get their mind off of their financial issues I have ask them if
they would like to work on some of the assessments and they both think that might give them
something new to focus on.
5 love languages couple assessment
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It’s more meaningful to me when…I receive a loving note/text/email for no special reason from
my loved one or my partner and I hug
It’s more meaningful to me when… I can spend alone time with my partner – just the two of us
or my partner does something practical to help me out
It’s more meaningful to me when… my partner gives me a little gift as a token of our love for
each other or I get to spend uninterrupted leisure time with my partner
It’s more meaningful to me when… my partner unexpectedly does something for me like filling
my car or doing the laundry or my partner and I touch
It’s more meaningful to me when… my partner puts his/her arm around me when we ‘re in
public or my partner surprises me with a gift
It’s more meaningful to me when… I’m around my partner, even if we’re not really doing
anything or I hold hands with my partner.
It’s more meaningful to me when… my partner gives me a gift or I hear “I love you” from my
partner
It’s more meaningful to me when… I sit close to my partner or I am complimented by my loved
one for no apparent reason
It’s more meaningful to me when… I get the chance to just hang out with my partner or I
unexpectedly get small gifts from my partner
It’s more meaningful to me when… I hear my partner tell me, “I’m proud of you” or my partner
helps me with a task
It’s more meaningful to me when… I get to do things with my partner or I hear supportive words
from my partner
It’s more meaningful to me when… my partner does things for me instead of just talking about
doing nice things or I feel connected to my partner through a hug
It’s more meaningful to me when… I hear praise from my partner or my partner gives me
something that shows he/she was really thinking about me
It’s more meaningful to me when… I’m able to just be around my partner or I get a back rub or
massage from my partner
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It’s more meaningful to me when… my partner reacts positively to something I’ve accomplished
or my partner does something for me that I know they don’t particularly enjoy
It’s more meaningful to me when… my partner and I kiss frequently or I sense my partner is
showing interest in the things I care about
It’s more meaningful to me when… my partner works on special projects with me that I have to
complete or my partner gives me an exciting gift
It’s more meaningful to me when… my partner and I share non-sexual touch in public or my
partner offers to run errands for me
It’s more meaningful to me when… my partner does a bit more than his/her normal share of the
responsibilities we share (around the house, work-related, etc) or I get a gift that I know my
partner put thought into choosing
It’s more meaningful to me when… my partner doesn’t check his/her phone while we are talking
or my partner goes out of their way to do something that relieves pressure on me
It’s more meaningful to me when… I can look forward to a holiday because of a gift I anticipate
receiving or I hear the words, “I appreciate you” from my partner
It’s more meaningful to me when… my partner brings me a little gift after he/she has been
traveling without me or my partner takes care of something I’m responsible to do but I feel too
stresses to do at the time.
It’s more meaningful to me when… my partner doesn’t interrupt me while I’m talking or gift
giving is an important part of our relationship
It’s more meaningful to me when… my partner helps me out when he/she knows I’m already
tired or I get to go somewhere while spending time with my partner
It’s more meaningful to me when… my partner and I are physically intimate or my partner gives
me a little gift that he/she picked up in the course of their normal day.
It’s more meaningful to me when… my partner says something encouraging to me or I get to
spend time in a shared activity or hobby with my partner
It’s more meaningful to me when… my partner surprises me with a small toke of their
appreciation or my partner and I touch a lot during the normal course of the day
It’s more meaningful to me when… my partner helps me out-especially if I know they’re already
busy or I hear my partner specifically tell me, I appreciate you
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It’s more meaningful to me when… my partner and I embrace after we’ve after we’ve been apart
for a while or I hear my partner say how much I mean to him/her
Which of the following is your most preferred? My partner unexpectedly does something for me
like filling my car or doing the laundry or my partner puts his/her are around me when we’re in
public
Laurie
Your Love Language Personal Profile
Interpreting Your Profile Score
The highest score indicates your primary love language (the highest score is
12). It’s not uncommon to have two high scores, although one language does
have a slight edge for most people. That just means two languages are
important to you.
The lower scores indicate those languages you seldom use to communicate
love and which probably don’t affect you very much on an emotional level.
Learn more about your primary love language and how to put it to use next
to the corresponding badge below.
Important to Remember
You may have scored more highly on certain love languages than others, but
do not dismiss those other languages as insignificant. Your partner may
express love in those ways, and it will be helpful to you to understand this
about him/her.
In the same way, it will benefit your partner to know your primary love
language in order to best express affection for you in ways that you interpret
as love. Every time you or your partner speak each other's language, you
score emotional points with one another. Of course, this isn't a game with a
scorecard! The payoff of speaking each other's love language is a greater
sense of connection. This translates into better communication, increased
understanding, and, ultimately, improved romance.
If your partner has not already done so, encourage him/her to take The 5
Love Languages® Profile. Discuss your respective love languages, and use
this insight to improve your relationship!
Physical Touch
This language isn't all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language
is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back,
holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face – they
can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical
presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be
21
PERSONAL THEORY
unforgivable and destructive. Physical touch fosters a sense of security and
belonging in any relationship.
Acts of Service
Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease
the burden of responsibilities weighing on an "Acts of Service" person will speak volumes. The
words he or she most want to hear: "Let me do that for you." Laziness, broken commitments, and
making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don't matter. Finding
ways to serve speaks volumes to the recipient of these acts.
Words of Affirmation
Actions don't always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited
compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, "I love you," are important – hearing the
reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not
easily forgotten. Kind, encouraging, and positive words are truly life-giving.
Quality Time
In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, "I love you," like full, undivided attention. Being
there for this type of person is critical, but really being there – with the TV off, fork and knife
down, and all chores and tasks on standby – makes your significant other feel truly special and
loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful. Quality
Time also means sharing quality conversation and quality activities.
Receiving Gifts
Don't mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love,
thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture
shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed
to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be
disastrous – so would the absence of everyday gestures. Gifts are visual representations of love
and are treasured greatly.
Steve
Your Scores
Your Love Language Personal Profile
Interpreting Your Profile Score
The highest score indicates your primary love language (the highest score is
12). It’s not uncommon to have two high scores, although one language does
have a slight edge for most people. That just means two languages are
important to you.
The lower scores indicate those languages you seldom use to communicate
love and which probably don’t affect you very much on an emotional level.
Learn more about your primary love language and how to put it to use next
to the corresponding badge below.
Important to Remember
You may have scored more highly on certain love languages than others, but
do not dismiss those other languages as insignificant. Your partner may
express love in those ways, and it will be helpful to you to understand this
about him/her.
22
PERSONAL THEORY
In the same way, it will benefit your partner to know your primary love
language in order to best express affection for you in ways that you interpret
as love. Every time you or your partner speak each other's language, you
score emotional points with one another. Of course, this isn't a game with a
scorecard! The payoff of speaking each other's love language is a greater
sense of connection. This translates into better communication, increased
understanding, and, ultimately, improved romance.
If your partner has not already done so, encourage him/her to take The 5
Love Languages® Profile. Discuss your respective love languages, and use
this insight to improve your relationship!
Words of Affirmation
Actions don't always speak louder than words. If this is your love language,
unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, "I love
you," are important – hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits
skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten. Kind,
encouraging, and positive words are truly life-giving.
Acts of Service
Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease
the burden of responsibilities weighing on an "Acts of Service" person will speak volumes. The
words he or she most want to hear: "Let me do that for you." Laziness, broken commitments, and
making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don't matter. Finding
ways to serve speaks volumes to the recipient of these acts.
Quality Time
In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, "I love you," like full, undivided attention. Being
there for this type of person is critical, but really being there – with the TV off, fork and knife
down, and all chores and tasks on standby – makes your significant other feel truly special and
loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful. Quality
Time also means sharing quality conversation and quality activities.
Physical Touch
This language isn't all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is,
not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on
the arm, shoulder, or face – they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love.
Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and
destructive. Physical touch fosters a sense of security and belonging in any relationship.
Receiving Gifts
Don't mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love,
thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture
shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed
to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be
disastrous – so would the absence of everyday gestures. Gifts are visual representations of love
and are treasured greatly.
SACRED MARRIAGE Gary Thomas (2015). Sacred Marriage doesn't just offer techniques
to make a marriage happier. It does contain practical tools, but what married
Christians most need is help in becoming holier husbands and wives. Sacred Marriage
23
PERSONAL THEORY
offers that help with insights from Scripture, church history, time tested wisdom from
Christian classics, and examples from today's marriages
Follow
Biography
Gary Thomas is a bestselling author and international speaker whose ministry brings people
closer to Christ and closer to others. He unites the study of Scripture, church history, and the
Christian classics to foster spiritual growth and deeper relationships. Gary's unique message
will help you:
* Embrace the unique way that you interact with God.
* Partner in the spiritual growth and character formation of your spouse.
* Build a closer, grace-based family.
* Enjoy God with a new sense of freedom and delight.
Scores of books have been written that offer guidance for building the marriage of your
dreams. Yet, what if God’s primary intent for your marriage isn’t to make you happy . . . but
holy? And, what if your relationship isn’t as much about you and your spouse as it is about
you and God? In this popular bestselling book, Gary Thomas uncovers how your marriage
can become a doorway to a closer walk with God and each other. You will learn how to:
Turn marital struggles into spiritual and personal appreciation.
Love your spouse with a stronger sense of purpose.
Partner in the spiritual growth and character formation of your spouse.
Transform a “tired” marriage into a relationship filled with awe and respect.
“By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a
philosopher”, Socrates
“three steps to more intimate communication, six steps to a more exciting love life”
Gary Thomas says “we can use marriage for the same purpose — to grow in our service, obedience,
character, pursuit, and love of God” (2015).
Like everything which is not the involuntary result of fleeting emotion but the creation of time and will,
any marriage, happy or unhappy, is infinitely more interesting than any romance, however passionate. W.
H. Auden
“But the idea that a marriage can survive on romance alone, or that romantic feelings are more important
than any other consideration when choosing a spouse, has wrecked many a marital ship”(G. Thomas,
2015).
“An in-depth study of why your communication styles are not wrong, just different” (Eggerichs,
2010).
Eggerichs “reveals the power of unconditional love and unconditional respect and how husbands
and wives can reap the benefits of marriage that God intended” (2010).
Mary Fairchild
Christianity Expert
March 27, 2019
24
PERSONAL THEORY
“Marriage is an important issue in the Christian life. Vast numbers of books,
magazines, and marriage counseling resources are dedicated to the subject
of preparing for marriage and marriage improvement. In the Bible, there are
more than 500 Old and New Testament references to the words ‘marriage’,
‘married’, ‘husband’, and ‘wife’” (Fairchild, 2019).
Ephesians 5:23-32 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother
and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”
25
PERSONAL THEORY
Reference
Bartholomew, K. (n.d.). Retrieved March 26, 2020, from
http://members.psyc.sfu.ca/labs/kim_bartholomew/attachment/self. Simon Fraser
University. Relationship Questionnaire (RQ; Bartholomew & Horowitz, 1991) and the
Relationship Scales Questionnaire (RSQ; Griffin & Bartholomew, 1994).
“BibleGateway”. BibleGateway.com/ A Searchable online Bible in over 150 versions and 50
languages., www.biblegateway.com.
Chapman, Gary D. (2015). The 5 Love Languages: the secret to love that lasts. Chicago, IL.
Northfield Publishing. ISBN:9780802412706.
Christian Quotes (n.d.). Retrieved April 7, 2020, from https://www.christianquotes.info
Ciarrochi, J., & Bilich, L. (2006, October 4). Acceptance and commitment therapy. Measures
package. Process measures of potential relevance to ACT. Retrieved March 20, 2020,
from https://www.uow.edu.au/content/groups/public/@web/@health/documents
/doc/uow025487.pdf Emotion Control Questionnaire (pp. 20–23); Belief in Personal
Control Scale (pp. 50–53); and the Dysfunctional Attitude Scale (pp. 54–56).
Cloud, H., & Townsend, J. S. (1999). Boundaries in marriage. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan.
Corcoran, K., & Fischer, J. (2013). Measures for clinical practice and research. New York, NY:
Oxford University Press Inc. ISBN:978-0199778607
Eggerichs, E. (2010). Love & respect: the love she most desires, the respect he desperately
needs. Waterville, ME. Christian Print. ISBN: 978-1594153204
Fairchild, M. (2019, March 27). What does the Bible say about marriage? Retrieved from
https://www.learnreligions.com/bible-on-marriage-4590058
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Gottman, J. & Silver, N. (1994). Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: ... and How You Can Make
Yours Last. New York, NY: Simon & Schuster. ISBN: 0671867482.
Kostenberger, A. J. (2010). God, marriage, and family: Rebuilding the biblical foundation, 2nd
ed. Wheaton, IL: Crossway. ISBN: 9781433503641.
Locke, H. J., & Wallace, K. M. (1959). Short marital adjustment and prediction tests: Their
reliability and validity. Marriage and Family Living, 21, 251–255.
O'Leary, Fincham, & Turkewitz, (1983) Retrieved April 2, 2020, from
https://www.childtrends.org/
Pascale, Rob. “Sometimes Lack of Money Is the Root of Relationship Evil.” Psychology Today,
Sussex Publishers, 16 May 2018, www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/so-happy-
together/201805/sometimes-lack-money-is-the-root-relationship-evil.
Thomas, Gary, L. (2015). Sacred marriage: what if God designed marriage to make us holy
more than to make us happy? Chicago, IL: Northfields Publishing. ISBN:
9780310340669
Turkvan-Ravenell, Willie Dean, Reverend Doctor. (2020, January 30). Manual for a Godly
teacher. Page Publishing Inc. ISBN: 9781645441823.
Williams, L., Edwards, T. M., Patterson, J., & Chamow, L. (2011). Essential assessment skills for
couple and family therapists. New York, NY: Guilford Press. ISBN: 9781462516407.
Wright, H. Norman. (1977). The Premarital Counseling Handbook. Chicago, IL: Moody Press.
ISBN: 0802463827.
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We are quickly moving through the course and are already at Week Four! I know you have been working
very hard thus far and I encourage you to continue to stay focused on the course material. This week
looks at the variety of ways to assess couples, and what are some professional needs to be aware of
when doing so. Attention is also paid to how each individual’s private thoughts can cause emotional
distress as a couple.
Textbook Readings
Gottman: ch. 4
Williams et al.: chs. 11–12
By this point you will have met with your chosen couple (married, no children) at least once.
Create a thread in which you share with your classmates a little bit about the couple you
interviewed, and what their answers were to the most pertinent questions that you will explore
in the second session and in your Case Study 2 paper. Tell your classmates some of the details of
the conversation that unfolded as a result of the interview. Do your best to reflect on the
assigned course materials and provide analysis of the couple’s answers in light of those
materials. In order to maintain confidentiality, do not use any identifying information about the
couple, but maintain confidentiality as you did/will do in the Case Study 2 paper.
Submit your thread of 400 words (with the required references as per instructions) by 11:59
p.m. (ET) on Sunday of Module/Week 4.
