Running head: BIBLICAL FORGIVENESS 1
Biblical Forgiveness in Relationships
By
Dennis Erb
COMS 560
Professor Preston
February 11, 2018
Running head: BIBLICAL FORGIVENESS 2
Abstract
Forgiveness is one of the most powerful resolutions to conflict. We, as Christians, are
called to forgive just as Christ has forgiven us. Some behaviors of forgiveness can include
repentance, keeping past conflicts in the past, and understanding the fact that you cannot forgive
someone without God’s help in preparing your heart and mind. Forgiveness may seem like an
easy thing, but people still have a hard time doing it for a variety of reasons. Regardless of the
reasons for not doing it, forgiveness is necessary for reconciliation. It is a process that takes
time, commitment and devotion to pursue righteousness within the hearts and minds of two or
more people so that the heart and mind can accept the eternal blessings God has in store for us.
Biblical Forgiveness in Relationships
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Forgiveness is one of the most powerful actions one can use to resolve conflicting
situations, especially in relationships. Whether it is in family disagreements, marriage issues, or
problems in a professional aspect, forgiveness in a relationship will help strengthen the bond
between the giver and receiver and can lessen the effects of conflict in the present and in the
future. Forgiveness is not always easy and may be one of the most difficult things to do within a
relationship, especially based on the level of hurt and conflict incurred. However, we as
Christians are called to forgiveness just as Christ has forgiven us. Colossians 3:13 says “Bearing
with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord
has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.” (ESV).
Christians are the most forgiven people in the world. As such, we should be the most
forgiving people in the world (Sande, 2004). But, what exactly is forgiveness? Forgiveness is a
cognitive process that consists of letting go of feelings of revenge and desires to retaliate. It
occurs when a person lets go of his or her feelings of revenge and a need for retaliation and
changes his or her thoughts about the transgression and the transgressor (Cahn, Abigail, 2014).
There are certain characteristics and/or behaviors that are needed when practicing forgiveness in
personal relationships. One of the first things someone needs to do to prepare themselves to
forgive someone is to repent. Acts 2:38 says “Each of you must repent of your sins and turn to
God and be baptized in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins. Then you will
receive the gift of the Holy Spirit.” (ESV). You cannot prepare yourself for forgiveness if there
are unrepentant issues in your heart. You must confess the sins and the strife that are keeping
your heart bound before you can open up and release the forgiveness to a transgressor. Another
behavior is one must understand that what happened in the past is just that, in the past. There’s
nothing you can do to change what initially happened between you and your transgressor. Your
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past history and all of your hurts are no longer here in your physical reality. Don’t allow them to
be here in your mind, muddying your present moments (Dyer, 2017). Next, it is necessary to
understand that forgiveness is a process that works quicker in some situations and longer in
others. Minor offenses may be overlooked and put away even if the offender has not expressly
repented (Sande, 2004). However, some offenses may be too serious to overlook. In such cases,
the forgiver needs to have an attitude of forgiveness before they can grant forgiveness (Sande,
2004). Another behavior one must adopt is the idea that you cannot forgive someone on your
own. There is only one way to overcome the barriers between yourself and the offender and that
is to admit you cannot forgive in your own strength and that you need God to come in and
change your heart (Sande, 2004). This student currently has a family issue that has basically
destroyed the entire family unit, from mother and father down through siblings and their spouses
and throughout other relatives and their families. The struggle to forgive in this situation,
admittedly, is because God has not been asked to come in and change the hearts of the offended,
therefore the resentment has been continuously harbored for years past and, unless something
changes, for years to come. This student has come to the understanding that the only way he will
be able to forgive is if his heart is changed by the hand of God himself. It has been a long and
difficult process; however, the change is coming, and this student feels that sooner (rather than
later), the ability to forgive by way of a changed heart is clearly on the horizon. Finally, one
must understand that the mantra of “forgive and forget” is not necessarily fitting for all
situations. In fact, forgiveness is not forgetting. When you forgive someone, you are not
forgetting what it was that caused your shared conflict. Instead, you are drawing on God’s grace
to consciously decide not to think or talk about what it was that caused the conflict in the first
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place. This may require a lot of effort, especially when an offense is still fresh in your mind.
When we decide to forgive, painful memories usually begin to fade (Sande, 2004).
If forgiveness appears to be easy to do, why do so many people have such a problem
doing it? The first and primary reason people do not forgive is because the offender has not
admitted wrongdoing, apologized or asked for forgiveness (Cahn, Abigail, 2014). This student
can relate to this aspect with the issue within his own family. The family member that caused the
issue of unforgiveness has never once offered an apology or asked the family members that he
hurt for forgiveness. This is one reason why unforgiveness within this family is so difficult to
change. Another reason forgiveness can be difficult is because the human psyche has a hard time
living in the present instead of dwelling on the past. We may be able to not think about the
person or the hurtful thing they did for a while, but whenever we are reminded or think about the
person again, the language part of us immediately latches on to that hurtful thing they did to us
and stews about how unfair it was, how we wished they hadn’t done that, how bad they are for
having done that to us, wondering how they could have done something like that to us and on
and on and on (Heile, 2017). Philippians 3:13-14 says “Brothers, I do not consider that I have
made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what
lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.”
(ESV). With this students’ family situation, the past is continuously being brought up and it
makes it very difficult for forgiveness to be considered when there is a constant reminder of what
was. Whenever the idea of forgiveness starts to gain a foothold, the past is always there to
remind this student exactly what kind of pain, deceit and anguish was caused at the hands of the
said family member. Again, as referred to earlier, this is something that can only be changed by
God himself. Sande (2004) notes that we must release the person who has wronged us from the
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penalty of being separated from us. We must not hold wrongs against others, not think about the
wrongs and not punish others for them. Many people forgive, but at a distance. They let go of
their need for revenge but do not choose to put themselves in a position where the other can hurt
them again (Cahn, Abigail, 2014). Releasing the person that wronged this student has shown to
be one of the most difficult things ever encountered in life. Another reason that people do not
forgive is they are not sure how to go about doing it. Most people know that forgiveness is more
than just the words “I forgive you” but what to do beyond that escapes them. Not knowing how
to forgive may sound like a reasonable reason to not forgive; but not really. The reason is that
there are numerous tools available and you do not need to look any further than God’s Word
which provides answers to all of mankind’s problems (Blair, 2016). Lastly, people have a hard
time forgiving because they think that it will not matter if they do forgive. The offender will
continue to be and act the way they always did and not recognize that they have done anything
wrong. This is a lie that the enemy wants you to believe. Forgiveness is not just about your
relationship with the offender but, more importantly, your relationship with God. Forgiveness is
obedience to God. The enemy will thwart your endeavors and so long as you believe the lie you
are defeated. He will temp to you to believe that forgiveness does not matter for whatever reason
he wants you to believe. Whether or not you share with the person that you forgive face to face
or by letter may not be as important; although forgiveness is vital (Blair, 2016). Mark 11:25
makes it very clear about God feels about not forgiving when it said, “And whenever you stand
praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also who is in heaven
may forgive you your trespasses.” (ESV).
Forgiveness is necessary for reconciliation. Reconciliation is a process involving a
change of attitude that leads to a change in the relationship between the forgiver and the offender
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(Sande, 2004). Reconciliation is different from forgiveness in that forgiveness is a single person
process, whereas reconciliation involves two or more people. When one reconciles with another
person, both people must first ask and/or offer forgiveness. But it must go further than that. Both
people choose to do whatever it takes to restore the relationship. One person can be completely
willing, but if the other person is not willing, reconciliation is not possible (Wright, 2017). Once
one has forgiven the offender and the offender has repented, reconciliation can begin to take
place. It requires the offender to demonstrate their repentance and regain your trust (Sande,
2004). Sande (2004) also states that reconciliation can be pursued at three different levels: in
thought, in word and in deed. When you begin to reconcile with someone and you begin to think
about the past deeds that caused the conflict to begin with, stop for a moment and pray for that
person. If this is done continuously, you will reach the point where you begin to think about the
positive things instead of the issues that caused the conflict. When talking to others about the
person who offended you, make it a point to speak well of the person. After all, Proverbs 15:1
says “A kind word turns away wrath, but harsh words stir up anger.” (ESV). Finally, if you want
to reconcile with someone, you should start acting like it. Sande (2004) says that loving actions
can do much more than change your feelings; they can also communicate in unmistakable terms
the reality of your forgiveness and your commitment to reconciliation.
Regardless of your stance on forgiveness and reconciliation, it is clear that they are not
one in the same, however you cannot have reconciliation without forgiveness. Forgiveness is a
very important part of a Christian’s walk with God. The word “forgive” is mentioned forty-two
times in the Old Testament and thirty-three times in the New Testament. To be mentioned this
often shows just how important God thought forgiveness was and continues to be. In the grand
scheme of things, forgiveness and reconciliation in any relationship comes down to deciding
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whether or not the wrong that was done is something that will affect the relationship in the long
term or if it is a single event among many (Cahn, Abigail, 2014) that will help grow and nurture
a relationship for the future.
References
Blair, J. (2016, May 25). 5 Reasons or Excuses why people don't forgive. Retrieved from
http://julieblair.com/5-reasons-excuses-people-dont-forgive/
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Cahn, D. D., & Abigail, R. A. (2014). Managing conflict through forgiveness. In Managing
conflict through communication (5th ed., pp. 203-220). Boston, MA: Pearson.
Dyer, W. W. (2017, March 13). How To Forgive Someone Who Has Hurt You: In 15 Steps.
Retrieved from https://www.drwaynedyer.com/blog/how-to-forgive-someone-in-15-
steps/
Heile, F. (2013, March 14). Why Is Forgiving People Hard For Many People? Retrieved from
https://www.huffingtonpost.com/quora/why-is-forgiving-people-h_b_2877333.html
Sande, K. (2004). Forgive as God forgave you. In The peacemaker: A biblical guide to resolving
personal conflict (pp. 204-222). Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Books.
Wright, V. H. (2017, June 15). Two Differences between Forgiveness and Reconciliation.
Retrieved from https://www.ignatianspirituality.com/22748/two-differences-between-
forgiveness-and-reconciliation
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