“MINISTERING TO PROBLEM PEOPLE IN YOUR CHURCH”
SUMMARY AND SELF-EVALUATION
__________________
A Paper
Presented to
Dr. Zeb Balentine
Liberty University
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In Partial Fulfillment
of the Requirements for WRSP 430
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by
Maadilyn Dowell
October 11, 2021
Madilyn Dowell
Book Report
Fall 2021
Shelley, Ministering to
Problem People in Your
Church Chapter #: 1
Summary:
The overarching theme of this chapter, “Complex Conflicts”, was about how conflicts run
a lot deeper than what is apparent on the surface, and it discussed the process of reconciliation.
The chapter outlined the story of a young pastor named Tyler and an older couple, Dwayne and
Virginia, who seemed to buck just about everything Tyler said or did. They never seemed to
agree with his direction, and Dwayne especially always offered pushback. Dwayne had a
tendency to come off as hostile, so he and Tyler would meet and talk things out. Both would
aapologize, but by their next spat, it was clear that no real headway had been made. Tensions
were heightened due to the conflict dragging out across time. This entire chapter emphasized that
reconciliation takes a long time. Both parties involved, while they may desire to move forward,
cannot forget the past. Regaining trust is much harder than earning it in the first place. There will
be people in our ministry that will not always agree with us, and they may diasagree with us for a
long time throughout our ministry. However, our goal in handling these “dragons” is not to shut
them down or disassociate from them, but to engage them and make disciples along the way to
resolution, however unlikely it may seem.
Self-Evaluation:
It is important for me as a ministry leader to recognize that while relationships are crucial
to my ministry, reconciliation is crucial to my relationships. Reconiliation takes a long time.
Both parties involved in a conflict, while they may have a desire to move forward, may not be
able to let go of the past. Reconciliation is an “easier said than done” scenario. There will be
people in my ministry that will not agree with my vision. There will be people in my ministry
that doubt my every decision or action, and that will make it their mission, for whatever reason,
to keep me in “check.” It is my responsibility as the ministry leader to take it on the chin, to
reach out to that person or those people, fall on the sword where I need to, and do my honest best
to reconcile. I have to be able to continue to minister with the weight of ongoing consternation. If
I have followed the Biblical model in addressing conflict and reconciliation and true forgiveness
are not achieved, I cannot give up on loving someone, or extending them grace.
These same principles apply to my personal relationships as well. Jesus extends me grace
that I don’t deserve with every breath I take. What right have I to with-hold grace from a fellow
brother or sister in Christ? There might be friends, relatives, or acquaintences that disagree with
me. They might disagree with many things I think, say, do, or believe, and this may extend
across time. This extended conflict can stir up hard feelings and tempt me to resentment, but I
cannot be driven to this. The goal should always be reconciliation. Reconciliation is hard, but it
is restorative, and thankfully, my God can equip me with the grace, strength, and patience I need
to see it through if only I surrender the situation to Him.
2
Shelley, Ministering to
Problem People in Your
Church Chapter #: 2
Summary:
This chapter described problem people as dragons and discussed identifying them. There
are several kinds of dragons. The “bird dog” is the person who is constantly calling things to the
pastor’s attention. This means telling the pastor how to do their job. The “wet blanket” is the
person who is negative and bogs down the ministry. The “entrepreneur” is enthusiastic about the
ministry, but also about selling whatever product they are currently offering. The “drill
instructor” is the person who is always right and has a steamroller personality. The “anonymous
blogger” is the person who, without identifying themselves, airs their church’s dirty laundry on
the internet. The ‘fickle financier” is the person who uses money to show their approval or
disapproval of church decisions. Sometimes, these people use their large donations as a way to
manipulate people and ministry programs. There are also the “busybodies”, who are constantly
involved in others’ business, the “snipers”, who take cheap shots at their pastors in private
conversations, the “bookkeepers”, who keep records of the pastor’s wrongdoings, the
“merchants of muck”, who breed dissatisfaction within the church, and the “legalists”, who have
extensive lists of absolutes. Sometimes the greatest threats to our ministries don’t come from
direct opposition. They come from the more intangible.
Self-Evaluation:
All of these dragons can sap our energy. It takes a high degree of tolerance to deal with
people like this on a long-term basis. Some of the people that end up being my most formidable
dragons may start out as my strongrest supporters. Dragons may initially work very hard to
secure my friendship. Dragons may often compare me to previous leadership, but I have to
realize that the impression of the former leaadership will remain with the congregation. I have
to be patient and let my leadership win the people over. Member’s attitudes about their former
leadership may transfer to me in time, I just have to give them the opportunity. I also have to be
aaware of the politics within a church, meaning the dominant personalities,
longstanding/influential members, etc. I have to accept that no church structure can ever
perfectly fit the ever changing human relationships within a congregation. In the context of
church, dragons see themselves as godly people who are looking out for the good of the church.
They hold a viewpoint that they genuinely believe is right. People do battle because they feel so
strongly and are so convinced of what they believe, emotion overpowers logic. I cannot use
theological answers to address relational tensions.
This applies to personal relationships as well. I have had experiences with people in my
personal life who, while they believe they are looking out for me because they love me, are
absolute life-leeches. Their constant criticism, disagreement, and pot-stirring takes all my
energy because I’m so fixated on placating to their opinions. In this context, it is important that
I find a way to identify the root of this criticism so that I can understand where it is coming
from and why it is being given to me. Once I know this, I can better understand how to move
forward and whether or not to take it seriously.
3
Shelley, Ministering to
Problem People in Your
Church Chapter #: 3
Summary:
This chapter, “Personal Attacks”, discussed how dragons direct their attention to pastors
and make their attacks personal rather than making general jabs. Dragons tongues may be
smooth, but they are double-edged. In the book of James, the tongue is compared to a small
spark that starts a massive fire. This fire can burn pastors in the form of personal attacks. This
chapter described the dealings of a pastor named Gordon with a vocal church member named
Maureen. Maureen persisted that Gordon was not effective, and despite reassurance from his
wife and his deacons, Gordon couldn’t shake the doubt that Maureen had planted. Then Maureen
wanted to be Gordon’s eyes and ears. She reported to him about the affiars of the church.
Initially, she was helpful, until she overstepped. In an instance of infidelity between a married
couple, Maureen wanted it handled a certain way, and when Gordon tried to handle it privately
and patiently, Maureen took it upon herself to take the situation public. She eventally got her
way, but at the expense of the marriage of the couple. She continued causing problems and
further dissent within the church. After being called out by Gordon, she became more subtle and
began gossping about him. Ultimately, Maureen and two other women brought a complaint to
Gordon involving the infidelity of his own daughter. They turned out to be right. Gordon sent in
a letter of his resignation, but the committee who voted wanted him to remain. After this crisis,
Gordon became quite reserved, but realized that he wasn’t fulfilling pastoral care to the best of
his abilities. Though it took time, he was able to ask God for the freedom to care for others and
commit their care to God.
Self-Evaluation:
Sometimes, though the attack of a dragon might not be fatal, it can still inflict wounds
that take a while to heal. I have to remind myself that when I am attacked by a dragon, I cannot
become one. Ministerally speaking, I only fail in an encounter with a dragon if I fight venom
with venom. When I compromise my better judgement, my morals, and my God-given
convictions to get in the mud and fight with someone who is personally attacking me, I am
repaying evil for evil, and not maintaining my integrity. Romans 12:17 reads, “Never pay back
evil with more evil. Do things in such a way that everyone can see you are honorable”. When I
begin the retaliate as a ministry leader, I am making the conflict very visible to the church. If the
church sees me retaliating, I am not upholding my responsibility to look afte the well-being of
the church and I am not conducting myself honorably. If a church’s leadership is modeling
retaliation and not resolution, then that leadership is promoting discord, which is unhealthy and
dangerous. I will never be that kind of leader.
This also translates into my personal relationships. Conflicts actually have the potential to
grow us relationally if we let them. Conflict is wasted when all parties involved are too busy
hurling insults to try and see things from another perspective and reach resolution. I have the
opportunity to grow in my personal relationships when I can step back to try and see where
another person is coming from instead of getting offended and being quick to defend myself.
We are called to live peaceably among one another, and part of loving others well is learning to
take things on the chin and understand that often times, personal attacks come from a place of
much greater hurt than we realize.
4
Shelley, Ministering to
Problem People in Your
Church Chapter #: 4
Summary:
This chapter was all about electric warfare and its effects. Email,text and social media
platforms magnify the potential for dragons to attack. The author gave an account of a church
that was given bad reviews online. As often happens in online forums, the language became
mean-spirited and nasty. The pastor and the church elders eventually weighed in and made a
public response online. A blog was launched for “survivors” of the church, and gossip and
slander abounded there. After three years of defamation, the church leaders wne to court and
sued the bloggers. Even this action was ridiculed as it wasn’t Christlike. Church spats can spill
into the public arena, so church leaders must be careful with how they confront online slander. A
pastor mentioned the Matrix movies in his sermon and a young girl emailed him about his
opinion of R-rated movies. His response triggered the wrath and ridicule of her family. He
decided to have a face-to-face meeting to diffuse the situation and they reached resolution.
Electronic communication has the tendency to escalate conflict. Face-to-face communication
involves 1) body language, 2) tone of voice, and 3) words, all of which demonstrate intent.
Self-Evaluation:
The content of this chapter pertains especially to my future as a ministry leader because
the rise of the internet and social media platforms have become so prevalent within my
generation. People are much more likely to go on the attack when they can do so facelessly and
namelessly and social media gives them to forum to do so. People say nastier things from behind
the protection of the screen of their device than they ever would in a face-to-face interaction.
Social media emboldens people and I have to understand that as a ministry leader, I must be very
careful how I address slander against me or the church I serve at because it can backfire. Because
everything that goes on the internet stays on the internet, I have to be careful with how I engage
others online.
Social media and electronic earfare in general have wreaked havoc in my personal life
and relationships as well. I know what it feels like to be the subject of anonymous social media
harassment. It can be very damaging when someone you know posts something hateful about
you. That’s another reason that I am personally leery towards social media. It is a cop-out, a
way for people to avoid having mature conversations that lead to resolutions. When people will
not talk to you, social media gives them a platform to talk about you. Instead of taking to my
keyboard and retaliating, I can talk to people in person when I sense angst towards me on a
social platform. This way, the narrative will not have the opportunity to get twisted or out of my
control and ultimately, my personal reputation and my ministry will remain undamaged.
5
Shelley, Ministering to
Problem People in Your
Church Chapter #: 5
Summary:
This chapter, entitled “When The Mind Isn’t Quite Right”, was about dealing with people
who are unstable in to the point that they cause disruption in the corporate worship setting. The
author outlined an account of a pastor named Mike who, one Sunday morning, was met with an
unusual display at his 135 year old Baptist church. As the worship team walked off the stage, a
woman stood up and began to forcefully speak in tongues. Several people in the congregation
were uncomfortable and looked to the pastor for what to do, aalthough he himself was quite
stunned. He went to her, laid hands on her, and began to pray for her, encouraging the
congregation to do the same. The woman was with a companion who helped Mike understand that
she was mentally unstable and that informed Mike’s decision for how to respond to the situation.
Mental illness is common for the church to encounter. Those afflicted with mental illness
complicate church life by leading indirectly to dragon problems over what accomodations the
church should make for them. Though dealing with mental illness can be taxing for a church
leader, we should take the approach of Jesus and accept them and make space for them. Prayer is
essential in cultivating the right heart for this. Boundaries aare important to establish so that those
with mental illness do not overdose on pastoral availability. We should take the approach of
servanthood when ministering to those with mental illness, and remain patient.
Self-Evaluation:
Mental illness affects more people than we may realize, and those people will walk
through the doors of the churches we serve within in need of Jesus. Ministerially speaking, I
need to ensure that I am as accommodating as I can be to anyone with a mental illness. I need to
always treat them with the utmost respect and humanity and try to understand their contect so
that I can be informed as to how I should respond to them. It is also my responsibility as a leader
to encourage the body to come around people who are struggling with mental illness and be a
support for them, as well as be a reflection of the love and grace of Jesus to them. I need to set
boundaries, not to cut off accessibility, but to prevent unintentionally enabling unhealthy over-
dependence on my accessibility or care.
In my personal relationships, I can apply the same principles of simply being patient and
assuming the posture of a servant. In my freshman year of college, I became friends with a girl
who struggled with anxiety, OCD, and trauma-induced panic attacks. She would spiral and even
reach the point of self-harm. She did not reach out to anyone, except me. I had no idea what I
was dealing with. I had never been up close and personal with someone who struggled with
mental illness, and I certainly wasn’t qualified to to be doing so, but I made it my mission to be
whatever my friend needed me to be. I reached out to one of my friends’ moms who is a
licensed therapist, and she gave me direction on how I could help and be there for my friend. I
was eventually able to convince her to seek counselling services, and she has made tremendous
improvement since. I think it is important to simply be servants to those who we have personal
relationships with that struggle with illness.
6
Shelley, Ministering to
Problem People in Your
Church Chapter #: 6
Summary:
This chapter, entitled “The Play For Power”, discussed how some dragons use power
tactics to influence church decisions. There is always a justifiable reason, at least in the dragons
mind, for seeking power. At the root of most power plays is the belief that the church is headed in
a direction that needs to be changed. Even in the early church, there was tension due to it being a
house divided on some issues.There was discrepancy over the expectations placed on Gentiles
who were converts to Christianity. One party maintained that Gentiles should be circumcised to
meet Jewish standards and join the Christian church. Paul insisted that faith was the only
prerequisite. Paul and Barnabas brought an uncircumcised convert named Titus to Jerusaalem to
address the issue, and the church leaders aaccepted him. But this did not solve the power struggle.
Eventually, a council was called in to rule on the subject. When the clash was over, the church
was split. Most power struggles in the modern church deal more with matters of practice. The
chapter went on to describe how a man who was made the board chairman in a church that he was
a charter member of. The pastor felt that this man was only nominated for the position because of
associations he had with members of the nominating committee. It was a power play. This man
butted heads with the pastor on multiple issues, and essentially tried to control what the pastor
did. The pastor was tempted to resign after hostilities escalated, but eventually, the other man
resigned. The moral of the chapter was not to let your enemy choose your battlefield.
Self-Evaluation:
Conflict is a part of life that we must learn to handle and ministry os no exception. Some
people will use their longstanding membership within a church, point to their contributions to the
church, or simply cash in on their influence within the church in order to point the church in a
different direction than that in which it is heading. These people can justify their intent in their
own minds, however misguided their approach maay be. As a ministry leader, I have to
understand that simply dismissing a person like this can split a church down the middle, and it is
my job to ensure that church spats do not escalate and become holy wars that cause irreparable
division. People with influence in the church can take advantage of their influence in a moment
and it is my responsibility to figure out a balance between hearing them out and addressing their
concerns versus being steamrolled.
The same goes for personal relationships. Some people will try to manipulate a situation
by using their influence or pointing back to things they have done in order to rationalize getting
their way. There will be people in my personal life that will want to have control of the direction
of my decisions, and they may use their influence to sway me in one direction or another. It is
important for me to face the wind; to address it head on. This will prevent frustration from
festering in my own heart and mind. I can also use opposition as an opportunity to learn.
Learning to see things from another person’s perspective will only increase my ability to
understand, empathize, and relate. This will only make me a better and stronger leader.
7
Shelley, Ministering to
Problem People in Your
Church Chapter #: 7
Summary:
This chapter, entitled “The Best Defense”, discussed the most practical and effective ways
to defuse the smoke of a dragon in a way that protects the church. The best way to conentrate or
contain the damage that a dragon causes is to concentrate on developing a healthy church.
Addressing potential problems directly before they arise is much better than troubleshooting and
scrambling to damage control later on. The best defense against a church that enjoys being
embrawled in a fight is to cultivate an atmosphere in which mutual advocates are bred, not
adversaries. This doesn’t mean refusing to step up and address the conflict, but the best way to
create this atmosphere is to model a positive tone personally. A church that is overloaded with
beureaucratic ministries is especially susceptible to a dragon attack, so the best defense is to
develop a laity that ministers. The pastor should never been seen by the church as the sole
designated minister. This stunts the opportunity for church members to build active ministries
and sets the stage for dragons. The best defense is to reinforce the productive members; those
strong servant leaders who are honored and trusted. It is also important for pastors to understand
a churches longstanding traditions and values. Too much change too fast can be off-putting and
give rise to power plays being made. Pastors should make an effort to share outside interests.
Finally, pastors should not oversell their church simply to gain new members. Healthy churches
are confident in their own DNA. They know their direction and don’t run the risk of waking
dragons by overselling themselves.
Self-Evaluation:
As a ministry leader, it is my responsibility to look after the well-being of the church I
serve. “See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no root of bitterness springs up
and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled”. (Hebrews 12:15). The main consequence of
a dragon’s prolonged attacks is dissent within the body, and as a ministry leader whose priority is
to look after the wellbeing of the church, I must be able to address the issue so that division is
effectively prevented and a healthy church dynamic is promoted. Additionally to cultivating a
positive church atmosphere, I have to personally develop a peacemaking spirit. If I as a leader
am prone to being reactive, or I see peracemaking as compromise, I am enabling adversity.
Adversarial ministerial relationships can limit the days that I serve as a leader. Therefore, I can
cultivate advocative relationships rather than adversarial ones by modeling cooperation and
positivity within my own life.
This applies to personal relationships as well. If I am quick to react, but slow to have a
conversation, quick to become defensive, but slow to make peace, then my relationships with
turn adversarial. The way I approach conflict in relationships will directly influence the outcome
of how I handle said conflict. If I model patience, grace, understanding, cooperation, and
positivity when I am addressing conflict, the other party will feel seen and heard, and they will
be more likely to be open to reaching resolution than they would be if I turned defensive and
started retaliating. Often times, and unbeknownst to us, definsiveness is perceived as a
confirmation of guilt. If I approach a situation with an open mind that is willing to see a situation
from the other party’s perspective, the outcome is more likely to be positive.
8
Shelley, Ministering to
Problem People in Your
Church Chapter #: 8
Summary:
The chapter, entitled “The Second-Best Defense”, was about building a healthy board
within a church. Cohesiveness among the spiritual leaders creates a healthy core amidst the body.
Some pastors can take it too far and stack the board with allies who will not oppose them.
However, this runs against the best interest of the pastor and church. The most effective boards
can see issues from different perspectives and examine them to their fullest extent. Healthy
boards are united in spirit and purpose, respecting one another. The chapter described an account
of a pastor named Mack who had a trust relationship with only a few members of his board.
Because of the lack of trust with other board members, his decisions were seen as disloyal, and
viewed with suspicion. The validity of his ministry was called into question. If pastors and their
boards don’t have mutual trust, the church will not be healthy. The responsibility to build trust
lies with the pastor. One way to do this is to be transparent with the board. It embodies the idea
of giving trust to gain trust. Pastoral relationships, respect, and trust are the foundation of solid
working relationships between pastors and their boards. Board members should be chosen for
their character, not their history with the leadership of the church. The Bible gives us spirutal
guidelines and qualifications for leaders. Board members should understand that they are to work
as a collective whole, not as individuals. Board members should also engage in commin learning
experiences such as doing a devotional together, reading through leadership and ministry books
together, etc. This can lead to more unified and well-informed discussions. Pastors’ performance
should be reoutinely evaluated by the board. Board members must be prepared to provide aa
defense for the descisions they come to. Finally, the aatmosphere of a board meeting reflect the
health of the church. They should be seen as a ministry of their own, not a miserable, boring
thing to sit through.
Self-Evaluation:
It is important for me to recognize that if there is rampant dissent within the body that
hirts the overall health of the church, the best thing I can do is ensure the health of the board. If
there cannot be cohesiveness in the body, it is vital that there is cohesiveness amongst the
spiritual leaders. Otherwise, the church will fall to utter chaos and I have been a poor steward of
the ministry I was given by God to lead. This isn’t to say that I should pull strings to ensure that
the board is full of people who will always agree with me, but that the board is full of individuals
who can see issues from different perspectives and examine them thoroughly, and ultimately,
have the best interest of the church at heart. My ministry will not survive if I do not have a
relationship with my board that is cemented with trust.
In the case of personal relationships, if there is ongoing conflict between myself and a
friend, relative, etc., I need to have people I can go to in confidence and get their honest
perspective. It is important to have accountability partners in life; people that I can go to over a
situation and trust that they will look at the situation from all angles and tell me the truth whether
it agrees with me or not. This type of accountability relationship should be founded on trust so
that no matter what advice I receive, whether it is in my favor or not, the integrity of the
relationship remains in tact.
9
Shelley, Ministering to
Problem People in Your
Church Chapter #: 9
Summary:
This chapter, entitled “When the Dragon May Be Right”, discussed the criticism of
dragons and how it can have some weight to it. Though dragons can be destructive, they can
sometimes be right. The problem pastors and ministry leaders face is discerning which criticisms
are valid and which are unjustified. The first way to discern is to consider the motivation of the
critics. The number of sources making the criticism is also revealing. Solitaary complaints can be
ignored, but when they come from multiple sources, it is time to pay them heed. It is also
important to consider the spirit in which the criticism is given. Similarly, determining whether
the source has the best interest of the church at hand or they are known for stirring the pot is a
factor to consider. If there is notable angst, consider that the issue may run deeper under the
surface. If the criticism passes the source check and the spirit check, then it is time to prayerfull
consider its validity. Concrete criticisms should be given more credence than vague criticisms. If
people criticize things you cannot change, then the criticism is probably unfounded. Specific
criticisms should be taken more seriously. Criticism should be considered calmly, corporately,
and completely. Criticism cannot be left unaddressed, nor can it be allowed to set the course of
the church’s future. Pastors lead by the authority God gives them and with the consent of those
whom they lead. Losing either ingredient spells out the end of a ministry.
Self-Evaluation
Humility is one of the most critical characteristics for me as a ministry leader to possess
if I want to lead a prosperous ministry. If I cannot be corrected, I will never learn or grow, and
neither will my ministry. I will be met with many dragons throughout my time in ministry
service and they will offer me plenty of criticism, but some of them will be right. I have to be
able to discern which criticisms are valid and worthy of my reflection and consideration, and
which ones are unjustified and disposable. Discernment in criticism requires thick skin and a
sensitive heart. I must be willing to take the criticism, but be sensitive enough to apply it if
necessary. Especially if the criticism comes from someone I know to be trustworthy, if it comes
from more than one source, or if the criticism is delivered in a spirit of genuine concern and care,
then I should take it seriously and change the behavior that made the criticism necessary in the
first place.
The same can be said in my personal relationships. If I am making such decisions or
choosing such behaviors that my friends or family feel the need to intervene and give
constructive criticism, then I need to evaluate my own heart and discern whether they are right.
Again, I should always consider the source, the number of sources, and the spirit in which the
criticism is given as all these factors help discern whether a criticism is justified and worthy of
further consideration. Sometimes, the truth can be hard to hear, thus I must have the ability to
take the criticism on the chin and have the humility to to change. If the criticism arises due to a
conflict, then I must be able to compromise. The solution to a conflict is rarely ever black and
white; my way or the other person’s way. It is usually always found in the middle. I cannot see
compromise as a weakness. Rather, I need to see compromise as an opportunity to die to myself,
love others well, and become a peacemaker.
10
Shelley, Ministering to
Problem People in Your
Church Chapter #: 10
Summary:
This chapter, entitled “When It’s Time to Confront”, discussed how to not simply slay a
dragon, but how to tame a drgon and prevent them from causing future damage. Taming a dragon
is not suppressing differences of opinion. It is not silencing the complainers. It is not giving in
and allowing yourself to be steamrolled. Dragon taming is protecting the church as a whole from
those who are behaving destructively. The attitude of the person confronting the dragon is key.
Dragons are excellent at provoking overreactions from the people they are attacking. The key is
to accept the dragon as a person of worth while disapproving of their methods. First in dragon
confrontation, three things must be verbalized as early on as possible: permission, potency, and
protection. Second, reframing how the dragons are seen. Third, don’t just pray about, but pray
for the dragons. Finally, be gentle in addressing a dragon, but be firm. Aatmosphere is important
to the outcome of a dragon confrontation. Timing and location are important to creating an
atmosphere that is conducive towards resolution. There are several intermediate steps between
privately addressing a dragon versus corporately addressing a dragon. Private conversation is the
first step. If there is willingness to bend, great! If not, the next step is to address the dragon again
with witnesses. If there is still no willingness to reconcile, take it before the church. If church
intervention still cannot achieve a breakthrough, the Bible tells us we are to treat that
person/people as a tax collecttor or pagan. This does not mean shaming or despising them. It
simply measn creating a boundary, because this type of person is set on causing dissent.
Self-Evaluation:
As a ministry leader, it is my chief priority to look after the wellbeing of the church.
When a dragons incessant criticism affects more than just me, and starts causing discord
amongst the body, that is where the issue must be confronted directly. I have to go into the
confrontation as humbly, as patiently, and as positively as I can. Confronting a dragon to defuse
the situation doesn’t mean squashing their opinions. It doesn’t mean silencing their criticism. It
doesn’t mean passively accepting the threat the dragon causes either. Confronting a dragon
means seeing them as an individual created in the image of God, establishing that disagreement
is okay, allowing for the individuals involved to state their opinions clearly, and establishing
that no onw will be hurt or allowed to hurt others, all for the purpose of reaching resolution and
protecting the church from further dissent. In many ways, if the criticism of a dragon is not
pointed directly at me as the ministry leader, and it is directly affecting the body, It then
becomes my responsibility to be a mediator of sorts and help everyone air out their strong
opinions in a way that satisfies them, then finding areas of compromise that can be agreed upon
so all parties can move forward in unity.
Those same principles can be applied to personal relationships. The three P’s of conflict
management discussed in the readings are vital to verbalize in any confrontation. There is a
natural human tendency to view confrontation as negative. It is important to note that there is a
disctinction between confrontation and conflict. Confrontation is simply acknowledging a
disagreement and addressing it. Conflict is what arises when confrontation goes awry. It is
important that in confronting a disagreement, everyone involved knows that it is okay to
disagree, and it is okay to honeslty state your case, but hurt should not be inflicted.
11
Shelley, Ministering to
Problem People in Your
Church Chapter #: 11
Summary:
This chapter, entitled “When There’s No Resolution”, discussed how sometimes, despite
our best effort to handle conflict biblically, contentious people cannot be settled and some issues
cannot be resolved. Pastors and ministry leaders have developed a variety of coping mechanisms
to deal with ongoing contention. The primary strategy is to give a situation time. Rome wasn’t
built in a day, and time can provide new members the space to help change the spirit of the
church, allow certain board members’ terms to expire, help people understand where the pastor is
going, and help develop the trust to follow him. In addition to patience over time, a larger
perspective is key. Although dragons may win for a time, they cannot destroy a church because
ultimately, God is still in control. Our job is to remain faithful and to love God above all else.
Forgiveness is an unassuming tool to use in a dragon war, but when leaders demonstrate strong,
visible forgiveness, the church can remain intact and strong. Forgiveness is not giving in and
agreeing with dragons, nor is it giving them our complete trust. Forgiveness is by no means
forgetting. At its core, forgiveness is a clean slate starting at the present moment t is extended. The
Greek word for forgiveness literally means, to let go. It is not excusing what has happened, but
extending an olive branch and offering to start anew. That offer must be on the table at all times,
even when the dragon refuses reconciliation. God is a proponent of new beginnings, and as
followers of Him, we must be as well.
Self-Evaluation:
There are some issues that I as a ministry leader, despite my best efforts to handle a
situation biblically, will not be able to resolve. Even if the outright attacks dissipate, tensions
can linger long after the cease-fire. Extended periods of strife can be dealt with, but when it
becomes clear that resolution cannot be reached, it must be accepted. Time can give a situation
the space it needs to heal. During that season of waiting, it is important for me as a leader to
meet the perceived needs. Perceived needs may not be the actual needs, but they are still the
needs of the hour. Lovingly, patiently, and faithfully ministering to individuals can encourage
healing in a broken situation, and it protects the health of the church in the meantime. Prolonged
conflict can be draining, so it is important to step back, enlarge the frame of reference, and see
that one or a few critics will not be the end of an otherwise healthy ministry. Forgiveness is the
most difficult thing to master when resolution is not reahed. It is hard to forgive someone who
doesn’t ask for forgiveness. As a leader, I can help make this easier by modeling visible
forgiveness. Forgiveness is, after all, a new beginning.
This goes for personal relationships as well. Whether a conflict between me and another
person goes unresolved, or a conflict that I am mediating goes unresolved, the same principles
apply. Though I do not believe time heals all wounds, it heals many. Sometimes, when time
gives us distance from a situation and our intial heightened emotions simmer down, we realize
how trivial the conflict was in the first place, and we are more inclined to resolve it. I can still
“minister” through unresolved conflict by keeping the door of communication open. Shutting a
person out due to prolinged conflict denies even the possibility of resolution, and is not right.
Finally, forgiveness helps us move forward amidst unresolved conflict despite apologies not
being exchanged.
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