Imagine you are counseling a couple who have been married for twenty years. When this couple
was dating the female was not a Christian and did not practice abstinence; having several sexual
partners prior to marriage. The male was a Christian and practiced abstinence prior to marriage.
The marriage has been good except in terms of their sexual relationship. The husband is unable
to forgive his wife for her past sexual experiences. Thoughts of her past sexual partners intrude
and he constantly compares himself to her past partners, even though he has never known them.
How would you help this couple?
In addressing this couple in their marriage and the current situation in which they face, I believe
it would be helpful and necessary to address 2 different parts of this scenario, the past and the
present. Looking at the past in this situation, It is important to see what scripture says about
being unequally yoked. 2 Corinthians tells us that we should not be unequally yoked, and there is
no harmony between Christ and the work of the devil (King James Bible, 2017, 2 Corinithans
6:14). 1 Corinthians 15 also tells us that bad company can corrupt good character (King James
Bible, 2017, 1 Corinthians 15:33). We have begun to see the long term effects of that in this
marriage as the two struggle in their sexual relationship. If we were to address this when the
couple were still dating, the goal would be to help them realize that marriage to each other is not
the best option for them.
Yet, now we find ourselves in a counseling situation where the couple is married and both seem
to be believers, but are dealing with damages that have stemmed from the past. It is important to
note here that these two individuals have washed of their sin and past and are now able to walk
free of their past. First we must note that they are joined in one flesh. 1 Corinthians 6 tells us that
one who marries a prostitute becomes one flesh with her (King James Bible, 2017, 1 Corinithans
6:16). No matter where the two were at when they were married, they are now joined in one flesh
and committed to a lifelong monogamous relationship. Balswick and Balswick tells us “Lifelong
commitment is the anchor in the unknowns of life. It is a place to make mistakes, to change, to
develop, to take risks, to go forward. It's a place of ongoing respect, devotion, trustworthiness,
and empowerment. The promise is to invest in one’s spouse’s well being through
interdependency. Love demands security and continuity if it is to flourish” (Balswick &
Balswick, 2019). With all this in mind, it is important to address forgiveness. First I would start
with the wife. On her end of things, I would make sure that she has been able to find healing
from her past and has forgiven herself for the sins that she used to partake in. I would make sure
to address that she hasn’t put any expectation on the marriage, especially in their sexual
relationship. Then I would address the husband. The two are now one flesh and he is committed
to her. I would walk through what he might be feeling and have him communicate that to the
wife. But most importantly in this situation, in order to find restoration and healing, there must
be forgiveness in the relationship. It would be important for the husband to see that the wife is
not who she used to be and that the past has to be let go of. I believe once these things are
addressed then the two will find healing in their sexual relationship.
King James Bible. (2017) King James Bible Online.
https://www.kingjamesbibleonline.org/ (Original work published 1769)
Balswick, J, K., Balswick, J, O. (2019). Authentic human sexuality: An integrated
Christian approach (3rd ed). IVP academic
Hi Megan, thank you for your post, I very much appreciated your views on this topic! I agree
with you completely. Like Jones says, God's plan is for us to have relationships with each other
and to be able to walk in freedom and delight and faithfulness just as we do in relationship with
him (Jones, 2015). And I think in this scenario, in order to get to this spot where the two can find
freedom in healing in their sexual relationship, there must be forgiveness of the past. It is
important for the husband to note that he is now in a lifelong committed relationship. 1
Corinthians 6 tells us that one who marries a prostitute becomes one flesh with her (King James
Bible, 2017, 1 Corinithans 6:16). He made the choice to marry her even when he probably
should not have and now must work through the committed relationship he is in. I would urge
the husband to walk in humility and try to find a spot of forgiveness for his wife's past in order
for them to find freedom!
King James Bible. (2017) King James Bible Online.
https://www.kingjamesbibleonline.org/ (Original work published 1769)
Jones, B. F. (2015). Faithful : A theology of sex. ProQuest Ebook Central
Hi Brandon, thank you for your post, you are definitely right in your views on this topic. It seems
like forgiveness would be the ultimate goal here. I love that you bring in the statistic of
percentage of those who have premarital sex, this is a very important key to this situation. Like
Yarhouse and Tan state, over 95% of people have premarital sex before the age of 44. On top of
that, the average age for the first encounter is 17 (Yarhouse & Tan, 2014). This is a very young
age and I think it is very important to note that many individuals make a lot of mistakes when
they are this young, and this needs to be taken into consideration. Balswick & Balswick also
talks about how the marriage is a place where mistakes are going to happen, but it is a place to
grow with one another and invest in one's well being, and that love demands security and
continuity (Balswick & Balswick, 2019). I as a counselor would want the husband to see this and
be able to get a place of forgiveness, so that they can grow in investing in one another and have
the security and continuity that their marriage needs.
