Running head: 4MAT BOOK CRITIQUE: THE FIVE LANGUAGES OF LOVE:THE
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4MAT Book Critique: The Five Languages of Love:The Secret to Love That Lasts
Anissa Chambers
Liberty University
Dr. Deborah Pinkston
October 6, 2019
4MAT BOOK CRITIQUE: THE FIVE LANGUAGES OF LOVE:THE
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4MAT Book Critique: The Five Languages of Love:The Secret to Love That Lasts
Summary
In the United States there is an epidemic of marriages ending in divorce, both in the
Christian world and the secular world. Gary Chapman has written an incredible book that
addresses what he believes can and will help marriages in trouble. He starts by explaining that
every one has a personal “love language”. A love language is the way a person receives and
expresses love. To help the reader understand he compares spoken languages and how a child
will speak the primary language of the family in which they grew up in, no matter how many
languages they may learn in the future. He shows how a person speaks English they cannot
understand someone who speaks another language like Chinese. He explains that in order to
learn to communicate you must learn their language and that this is the same with a love
language. He shares that in order to express love to someone we need to learn their primary love
language and this is especially important in a marriage.
Chapman explains also that everyone has a love tank and that in order to fell loved and
appreciated a person must have this love tank filled. He explains that if it is not, just like a car
when it is empty it eventually stops running, and if a person’s love tank is empty he or she will
shut down emotionally.
In marriage each person longs to have this emotional love tank filled. A spouse can be an
excellent provider financially or material things needed in the home but miss the mark when it
comes to filling a spouses emotional needs. Chapman explains this is why it so important for
each person to know and learn to speak our spouses love languages. It is also important for each
person to know and understand how to communicate their own love language.
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Chapman goes into detail of each of the five love languages. The first is words of
affirmation. Our words are powerful and can give either life or death according to Proverbs
18:21. Words of affirmation are words that encourage, appreciate, and compliment. Second he
explains is quality of time which is specific time that is set apart specifically for your spouse. It
can be as simple as take a walk or listening to them talk about their day. It is important to be in
that moment with that person with them having your undivided attention. Thirdly is receiving of
gifts. It can be as simple as writing a note or making a card that shows you were thinking of
them. People that have this language see gifts as showing a person love for them specifically and
you thought of them. Fourth is acts of service which is doing something for someone that helps
them out. Chapman explains that a person with this type of language lives by the old motto that
“actions speak louder than words.” Lastly, is physical touch which represent touching, hugging,
kissing and sexual intimacy.
Each person usually has a primary gift and a secondary gift. People are all unique and
receive love in their individual special way.
Concrete Reflection
This book reminds me to make an effort to speak to my husband in his love language.
His primary is physical touch, he feels most loved when I am giving him “rubbies” (our little
word for rubbing his back at night before he goes to sleep). When I walk through the house and
I pass him I need to touch him in some way to help fill his love tank. His secondary is gifts, he
loves little prizes. They make him giggle like a little boy on Christmas day. Mine are harder for
him because of the way he was raised. Mine has always been words of affirmation and to be
frank, he is very terrible at it. One of the things I learned is that many times we express love the
way we want to receive love and so we do not understand why someone does not feel loved if we
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doing all the things that we would like in order to fell loved. He is bad about that and sometimes
does not understand that I just need a word of appreciate or just tell me you love me, this goes a
long way. I know that I am not a touchy feely person so I have to make an effort to be that for
him as well. We are both continuing to learn how to speak the right language to each other and
now we are learning to do the same with our children. They are all unique and feel loved in
different ways so it is important that we are learning their languages of love. I have two older
ones whom are out of the house and so it is important to know that I still love them even though I
do not see them everyday.
Critique
This book is excellently written and I tend to agree with everything he says. He gives a
lot of personal stories to help make his point which pulls the reader into the book. The ideas and
theories that he presents are practical and easy for all to understand.
He discusses that being “in love” is only a temporary felling. He explains that it is an
emotional high and can lead to false expectations if not put into perspective. We all love that
feeling of being in love, but life does not let us just live in one feeling we have a lot of different
emotions and they all play a part in our lives.
This book is a great tool for counseling couples who are planning on getting married, as
well as helping couples who have been married for many years rekindle the love that they feel
slipping away. This is a book that I believe all couples should read every few years just to
remind us how to speak the language of love for the people God has place in our lives. There is
not real disagreement I have from this book, but instead believe it is a great book for everyone to
read.
Application
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As previously stated, my husbands love language is physical touch and gifts. One of the
things that I am going to do now that we are settled once again is to find fun and creative ways in
the area of physical touch to help him feel loved. I know that he longs for more and I am
planning on being better at meeting his physical touch needs. It is important as his wife that I
feel his love tank as much as possible. It is difficult at times with my children always needing
me and him as well. I also am going to make his favorite cookies and other things that he loves
to eat to put in his lunch every day and put little notes in there periodically so that he can know
that I am thinking about him and glad that God has given him to me. The other think that I am
going to do is to really seek to understand my children’s love language so that I can feed their
love tanks as well. I have two that are older and already out of the house. I need to reach out to
them more in their love languages so that they know and remember always that I love them and
am here for them as well as the younger ones. This is harder since they are from my husband’s
first marriage and their mother died in a car accident. My oldest son after he moved out decided
he did not like me, he can not tell anyone why. He recently told his dad that he is starting to
figure out that he had some huge issues from his mother. I knew that was what was going on, so
I have just prayed. I need to reach out to him more, even though he never responds. His sister
and I have a great relationship. She is engaged and will be getting married in the next year or
so. I want to make sure that she knows that she can always talk to me no matter way. My two
littles are still growing and learning everyday, they are harder to figure out what their language
of love will be, but I intend to love them and help them understand and communicate their
language of love.
This book inspires me all the more to love my family even more and to care for their love
tanks so that they are always full. According to 1 Peter 4:8-11 which says,
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“Above all, keep fervent in your love for one another, because love covers a multitude of
sins. Be hospitable to one another without complaint. As each one has received
a special gift, employ it in serving one another as good stewards of the manifold grace of
God. Whoever speaks, is to do so as one who is speaking the utterances of God; whoever
serves is to do so as one who is serving by the strength which God supplies; so that in all
things God may be glorified through Jesus Christ, to whom belongs the glory and
dominion forever and ever. Amen.”
This verse goes hand in hand with what Gary Chapman was saying and is how I want to love my
family.
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References
Chapman, G. (2004). The Five Languages of Love: The Secret to Love That Lasts (New ed.).
Chicago, IL: Moody Publishers.
