by
Practical Book Review
PACO 500 – D04 LUO
Introduction to Pastoral Counseling
LIBERTY UNIVERSITY SCHOOL OF DIVINITY
Submitted to Rev. Dr. Mario Garcia
in partial fulfillment of the requirements for the completion of Master of Divinity
Contents
Summarize......................................................................................................................................1
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Respond...........................................................................................................................................2
Reflect .............................................................................................................................................3
Act....................................................................................................................................................4
Summarize
The standard human tends to talk more than they listen which can cause a serious care-
deficit in their personal relationships. Basically, if listening is not an active practice and
intensive practice, relationships will fail. On the other hand, if listening is aptly applied, if
people can truly grasp the insurmountable, paramount task of hearing others plight, true healing,
understanding, and growth ultimately begin to be possible.
Listening and productive communication, on both level one audible and level two more
intimate communication, is difficult to apply considering humans have a seemingly chaotic
variable called emotions. These emotions can disorient and throw relationship communication
into complete disequilibrium. All the standard functions of the stomach, heart, and brain, known
as flat-brain syndrome, no longer produce normal functions, but almost become suffocated and
blocked due to a build-up of emotions that cause the blockade. Once these three functions are
either protected from disequilibrium or cleared of blockage, listening and healthy communication
can assume to save and build the relationship.
Fighting such intense feelings and emotions can seem difficult but utilizing tactics and
agreed-upon methods such as the talker-listener card, couples, friends, associates, and families
can move forward with open communication that leads the way for relational growth. It is
simple using a physical card that allows one person to talk and only that person, while the other
has a card which signifies their role as a listener and listener only. The TLC tactic can prevent
hot-headed bulldozers or interrupters from disrupting the natural, organic process of someone
talking it out to help them arrive at a point where their heart is open and willing to receive
genuine feedback. So now, with an understanding of how to listen, what should occur?
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Respond
Chapter 18 became a difficult mirror for me to look in. As a public speaker, teacher,
overseer, I have grown accustom to talking. In fact, I have grown so accustom to talking with
my current pool of knowledge I have overseen splendid classes, by others’ input, without any
preparation for that class. However, I have completely mastered the art of not listening. In fact,
the closest I get to listening is hearing words to reload in order to blast the other person. That’s
right, my best listening is applied in heated arguments with loved ones.
I remember my wife being upset that I had not followed through with a promise. I was
hurt that she was hurt, but I have a hard time displaying my hurt. So, instead of listening and
owning my mistake and making it right while simultaneously hearing and tending to her pain, I
became defensive. And I’m a pretty aggressive defender. Every time she spoke, I heard in order
to find the fault in her argument; like-scenarios that I can bring up from my collection of data
where she was the one at fault so I can unapologetically cancel my wrong out. I remember
telling her, “Look, Morgan, you can tell me all night that I do not follow through what I say I’m
going to do, but at the end of the day, you do the same thing. So, why should I take heat?” Her
response hurt me so hard, cut me so deep that I did something I had never done before. She said,
“I can count on this from you. I have grown to expect this from you.” I finally listened. I let her
statement penetrate my core. So, I went from facing away from her in bed, to holding her in my
arms. Her next words, “I will never forget this.”
Listening is paramount to a successful relationship. It lives in the shadow of
communication, because communication typically is about transferring information, not
receiving it. But this book opened my heart to listening with the intent to understand, not reload.
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Reflect
Even though I have an elevated speaking capacity, I found multiple insights and
techniques concerning communication that have become effective, even in my immediate present
with my wife. I tend to speak sarcastically, condescendingly, and argumentatively. This has
traditionally come out as being a perry mason, asking aggressive “why” questions, utilizing
negative questioning, and professing to understand. Truly, just knowing those attitudes and
mindsets exist was enough for me to desire to reverse them and practice the opposite. Instead of
bring interrogative about negatives, I made sure to ask myself to clarify questions to ask a more
clarifying question and listen more. In one week, my wife noticed a difference in all of these
areas, creating a more effect future-me that listens and seeks to understand others.
Another tool for inspiring good listening is playing what Peterson calls “the listening
game”. It is simply going around the dinner table, allowing each member to be heard without
any interruption from the other members. The other members do have other responsibilities than
simply listening. They must clarify the talker’s disposition. Asking questions that will help
every member understand the talker’s point of view better and even give insight as to what the
talker is saying. This game teaches kids and teenagers that listening should be practiced by
everybody, not just kids while their parents are getting on to them. In turn, kids can go to school
and show their friends what listening is like, creating healthy mutual relationships. If I could be
this kind of parent, a parent that listens, I believe my kids will feel loved and be better friends to
their friends.
The last tool that I believe builds a better future me is handing out more intimate and
emotional compliments. I am an INTJ according to the Myers-Briggs Personality test. That
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means I am introverted and love logic, facts, and analyzing things while having mediocre
relationships because most people prefer love instead of accuracy, crazy, right? Well, my
compliments can be a bit cold. I remember my wife asked me my opinion about her dress, and I
responded, “it’s good.” Except it was extremely muffled and quickly spouted. Attaching a true
emotion to that compliment could have created an intimate moment. Instead, I could have said,
“The dress looks, great. I love the way it makes your eyes brighter.” Utilizing the emotional
attachment method is a way for me to create greater compliments and show people genuinely
greater love in attention and effort.
Act
My first action is clear-cut and unavoidable. Get a TLC card! Once I explain the method
and ideology completely to my wife, she will understand and hold me accountable to listening
better and more often. If I simply withhold the method and the reasoning, she might not
understand why I am doing this random idea. But I believer granting her all authority to call on
the TLC card and hold me to the listening standard will create strong momentum for the me I
want to become. I have to implement this now because any relationship where someone feels as
though they are not heard is a failing relationship. It is not stagnant, it is failing. If I did not feel
heard by my wife, I know I would explode and beg and plead and barter for her to listen to my
full heart. God Himself heard me when I cried out to Him for the forgiveness of my sins. If the
Creator has time and attention for my heart, then, unlike the servant who was forgiven a great
debt and did not pass the grace on, I should pass the listening onto my wife, first, then to
everyone else. The necessity has been raised, if I listen better, my wife is loved better.
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With so many tactics, strategies, principles, and insights to apply from this book, I can
take away this big-picture strategy; listening is loving. Listening is loving. I have an easy time
loving people by creating lessons, sermons, videos, blogs, etc. I have an easy time giving people
a service like packing turkey’s at thanksgiving. I have an easy time baby-sitting so someone can
have an afternoon hands-free. I do not love via listening. I believe that if I speak the word into
every interaction I have, I could make small steps to becoming a better listener. If I always
repeat, “as I’m listening to what you are saying...”, then I’ll remember to ask myself if I truly am
listening, or if I’m just responding. I can remember to ask myself if I truly understand what they
said, or if I simply was closing my mouth to declare I was listening. This tiny word can have a
large impact in my future self. Perhaps one day people will know me as the guy who ensures he
is listening and that they feel heard.
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