CHAPTER 11
Concise Messages
The most valuable of all talents is that of never using two words when one will do.
Thomas Jefferson
Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if
nothing ever happened.
Winston Churchill
When Richard and I (Bob) co-teach leadership seminars, I lead a segment on team-building and
communication. As an exercise, we play a game called “Nuclear Waste.” The object of the game
is simple: the team must pick up a rope contraption, take it to a second location, expand it around
a large can filled with water (nuclear waste), then use the device to carry the can to a safe spot
without spilling any liquid death along the way. Easy, right? Not exactly. Seven team members
are blindfolded, and the designated leader—the only person who can see—may only use vocal
instructions to guide them.
On one occasion, the leader doled out a string of complex and confusing instructions to his
bewildered charges:
“Take two steps to the right and then three steps forward.”
“Who, me?”
“No, I meant John. Back up!”
“Who?”
After twenty minutes of collective vexation, I stopped the game early to discuss what went
wrong. The leader had failed to use simple commands, such as “follow my voice.”
The leader of a different group never explained the objective of the game to his team. He simply
led his sightless compatriots down a series of stairs into a corridor and then asked, “What do you
all want to do?” Exasperated groans echoed down the hallway! Both leaders failed to
communicate clearly and compellingly enough to move their team to success.
People periodically find themselves stuck in a pattern of circular reasoning, wishful thinking, or
denial. Great coaches know that people sometimes need a wake-up call to jolt them into seeing
reality. On those occasions, a coach’s best tool may be a concise message. Master coach Jane
Creswell describes a concise message as typically consisting of the following:
•
Seven or fewer words
•
Followed by silence1
We would add that concise messages should be deeply relevant to the individual, touching on the
person’s core values.
When getting someone’s attention, less is more. Jesus knew that a brief word could change lives,
and He was a master of the concise message. Consider these examples:
•
Come and see (John 1:39).
•
You still lack one thing (Luke 18:22).
•
Go, call your husband (John 4:16).
•
What is that to you? (John 21:22).
•
Let the dead bury their own dead (Luke 9:60).
•
Do not be unbelieving, but believing (1 John 20:27).
•
Do you want to be made well? (John 5:6).
The prophet Nathan demonstrated the power of a concise message when he confronted King
David after the monarch committed adultery with Bathsheba and had her husband murdered.
Nathan told David a story about a powerful, wealthy man who took and killed a poor man’s lone
ewe lamb. When David heard the story, he became enraged and blurted out, “As the LORD lives,
the man who did this deserves to die! Because he has done this thing and shown no pity, he must
pay four lambs for that lamb” (2 Sam. 12:5-6). Nathan responded with a concise message that
cut David to the quick: “You are that man” (2 Samuel 12:7). Four simple words instantly
humbled the greatest man in the land.
Coaches sometimes work with clients who are long on talk but short on action. These people pay
coaches top dollar to listen to their prejudices, biases, opinions, and excuses. But they have no
genuine intent to change.
I (Bob) coached a pastor who frequently broke his personal commitments. Finally, realizing this
client was not doing himself or his church members any good, I ended the session with this
concise message: “Let’s coach again when you’re ready.” He immediately understood that our
coaching relationship had ended. He was shocked that I, the paid coach, was unwilling to listen
to him make endless excuses. A year later, I learned that he had taken the concise message as a
wake-up call to get serious about the promises he had made to himself and God.
I (Richard) was a seminary president for 13 years. During my tenure at the school, I often met
with students individually. One day I spoke with a young man who was experiencing numerous
conflicts with classmates. As we talked about these quarrels, the man repeatedly blamed others.
His excuses grew to the point of absurdity as he refused to accept responsibility for any of the
disputes. I finally commented, “Always being blameless is mathematically impossible!” Then I
remained silent. I knew he was clinging to a false version of reality and needed someone to help
him see another perspective. I did not say everything was his fault; I simply suggested that no
one could experience the number of interpersonal conflicts he had and remain faultless.
Concise messages are powerful because they are clear and direct. Some coaches love talking so
much they obscure profound truths with unnecessary comments. In contrast, the starkness of a
concise message produces a “Whoa!” moment. When the coach needs to challenge a false
assumption, the message can be as simple as a raised eyebrow accompanied by, “Oh, really?”
After delivering such a word, coaches should remain silent and allow the person to feel the
statement’s full impact. If their message appears to have had a strong effect, coaches may be
tempted to soften the blow. But they should resist the urge to speak. Instead, they should let the
ensuing silence do the heavy lifting.
Concise messages can have a positive focus. I (Bob) coached a successful pastor who failed to
embrace his God-given worth. Year after year, peers and denominational decision makers
selected him for increasingly significant positions. During one coaching session, the Holy Spirit
guided me to utter four words that helped the man embrace his true value and giftedness: “You
keep being chosen!” Those words, delivered at just the right time, shattered the man’s distorted
view of himself. The pastor had seen himself as unworthy, but my concise statement offered
compelling evidence to the contrary.
We would like to offer a couple of cautions regarding concise messages. First, coaches should
use them sparingly. A coach with a strong personality may fire off a steady stream of zingers that
do more damage than good. Such statements can have a jarring, even numbing effect. If coaches
use them too often, the client might feel embattled, humiliated, and defeated.
Second, coaches should use concise messages only for a redemptive purpose. Why? Because a
concise message can either be a catalyst for positive change or lead to a life sentence of self-
doubt. I (Bob) served as a voluntary student missionary for ten weeks one summer while in
college. During that time, I met a pastor (I will call him Bill) who recounted a painful encounter
he had in seminary a decade earlier. When Bill and a friend sat down for lunch in the cafeteria, a
professor they both respected joined them. The professor commenced to gush praise on Bill’s
friend, declaring that he could see the man’s great ministerial promise. He then made clear, in a
few dismissive words, that he saw far less ministry potential for Bill. The professor extended a
blessing to Bill’s friend, but left Bill feeling as if he had been cursed. Years after the incident,
Bill was still emotionally shackled by that uncaring comment. Words have power to bless or
curse. Coaches should always use them carefully and prayerfully!
Employing a concise message effectively hinges on timing, brevity, delivery, and incisiveness.
Coaches should not use a concise message early in a conversation. Instead, they should hold it in
reserve. If, however, the coach’s questions have not succeeded in leading the person to genuine
self-discovery, a more direct approach might be necessary.
Coaches should take the following steps when delivering a short message: First, they should mull
over their word choice. Second, they should make sure their message is as concise as possible.
Third, they should be mindful of their delivery. Coaches should not act antagonistic or
threatening, but they ought to appear confident. If they utter the concise message in a faltering,
quiet, uncertain tone, their words will not have a powerful impact. Finally, they should ensure
their message is incisive. That is, it must cut straight to the heart of the issue. If coaches make a
concise statement about a secondary or tertiary issue, its effect will be largely lost.
We hesitate to offer specific suggestions at this point, because these statements are extremely
dependent on the moment, circumstance, person, and tone of the preceding conversation. We do
not encourage coaches to employ these exact statements in their practice. But for illustrative
purposes, here are some examples of concise messages:
•
“Your story sounds like a Shakespearian tragedy!” ( Repetitious stories of woe.)
•
“And you did that in love, right?” ( Mixed motives.)
•
“Being perfect must be a great burden!” ( Unwillingness to admit fault.)
•
“You give feedback better than you receive it.” ( Unteachable spirit.)
•
“So why do you need a coach?” ( No desire to grow or change.)
•
“And she didn’t appreciate your candor?” ( Wounding others.)
•
“It seems like we’ve traveled this road before …” ( Patterns of thought, behavior.)
Each of these statements, delivered at the right moment and in the proper manner, can exert a big
impact.
Coaches might also repeat people’s own words back them to powerful effect. For example, a
client might declare, “I did nothing wrong!” As the coach asks probing questions, however, the
client may disclose various ways his words and actions contributed to the problem. At a key
moment, the coach could look the client in the eye and say, questioningly, “I did nothing
wrong?” At times, the most convicting, disarming, troublesome words people can hear are their
own.
Delivering a concise message successfully requires discernment. Ecclesiastes 3:1 declares that
there is a proper time for every activity under heaven. To be effective, the message must be
concise, pointed, relevant, thought-provoking, and delivered at exactly the right moment. For
that, coaches must walk in step with the Spirit.
CONCLUSION
When coaches use powerful, Spirit-led questions and concise messages, they lead people to a
higher level of understanding. New insights become springboards to meaningful commitments.
In the next chapter, we will explore ways coaches can help people become focused and
committed to taking the best steps forward.
CHAPTER 12
Narrowing the Focus
To be everywhere is to be nowhere.
Seneca
Being selective—doing less—is the path of the productive.
Focus on the important few and ignore the rest.
Timothy Ferriss
Children of our generation passed countless hours on playground merry-go-rounds. We thrilled at
the sensation of the wind on our faces as we sped around and around. But I (Bob) also remember
finding myself at the mercy of older kids who demonstrated an abject lack of mercy as they
commandeered the turnabout. The bullies would spin us faster and faster and then dare us to
jump off at top speed. We were all but guaranteed to skin some unfortunate part of our body—
hands, knees, face, or shoulder—and spend the evening wincing with each step.
Spinning in circles is enjoyable for children, but disastrous for adults who are striving to fulfill
their divine purpose. Well-intentioned initiatives can easily become sidelined by distractions,
competing priorities, and petty urgencies. A wise coach knows how to untangle swirling thoughts
and guide the conversation in a fruitful direction.
The coach should begin a session by listening carefully to the client’s concerns. As a neutral but
caring person, the coach may then lead the client to identify the primary issues at hand. Certain
schools of thought in the counseling world purport that people gain relief simply by talking about
problems. Spiritual leadership coaches, however, do not merely allow people to vent or express
frustration. They help people resolve issues so they can move forward and fulfill their divine
calling. Coaches help people achieve resolution by guiding them to focus on one coachable issue
at a time.
What makes an issue coachable? In 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Steven Covey identifies
two concentric circles. The larger circle, which he labeled the “Circle of Concern,” represents
anything that might worry people: their job, crime, the possibility of war, aging, and the like. He
labeled the much smaller inside circle the “Circle of Influence.”1
Covey claims that successful people focus only on matters they can control or influence. As they
successfully give attention to those issues, their “Circle of Influence” tends to expand. Fixating
on issues outside one’s control is futile. A coachable issue, then, is a problem a person can take
positive steps toward solving.
Jesus addressed a similar spiritual principle when he told the parable of the talents. He ended the
story with this conclusion: “I tell you, that to everyone who has, more will be given; and from
the one who does not have, even what he does have will be taken away” (Luke 19:26). Jesus was
speaking about faithfulness. The master did not judge the servant by factors outside his control.
Rather, he was accountable for what had been entrusted to him.
I (Richard) recall speaking with a man who had become extremely discouraged by the nation’s
political and social condition. He vented his frustrations on social media and castigated those
who disagreed with his opinion. He confessed that he spent between two and three hours
watching the news each day.
“How is watching the news affecting you?” I inquired. He said it was making him angry.
“And how is watching the news solving any of the problems you are learning about?” I asked.
He sheepishly admitted that his news-watching was not making the world better in any way.
I then questioned him about his responsibilities in his family, job, and church. Could he be more
effective in those spheres of influence? He acknowledged that he had many unfulfilled goals in
those areas. I asked why he had not achieved them.
“Lack of time,” he responded immediately. As soon as the words left his mouth, the light came
on! He realized he had become so consumed with matters he could not change that he had
neglected important issues within his sphere of influence. His life had become dangerously
distracted.
Neuroscientist John Ratey explains that individuals who are unable to filter out non-essential
stimuli become frozen by over-stimulation.2 The same principle is true in the spiritual realm. One
of the most nefarious tactics the Evil One employs is distraction. A thousand petty urgencies
crowd out issues of singular importance.
Coaches can use the following method to help clients achieve focus:
•
Begin the discussion with a focus question. Here are some variations:
o “What dilemma could we solve today that would mean the most to you (or make
the greatest difference in your life or work)?”
o “What is keeping you up at night these days?”
o For the financially motivated, a coach might ask, “What single issue, if we made
substantial progress on it today, would make the time and money you invested in
this session worthwhile?”
o Or the coach could simply ask, “What would you like to coach around today?”
•
Recap and Refocus. During some coaching conversations, the client may mention
concern after concern without making any movement toward resolution. In those
situations, coaches should ask a refocus question. Here are some possibilities:
“We have talked about A, B, and C …”
o “Of these three issues, which is the most important one to work on today?”
o “Which one issue, if we solved it today, would make the others easier to resolve?”
o “Which of these issues are beyond your control, and which ones are within your
control?”
o “Which of these problems most breaks your heart?”
o “What is the one thing you could do that would make the biggest difference?”
o “Which one of these issues matters the most to you right now? To your long-term
goals? To God?”
o “Is this an issue we can park for a while until we have resolved more pressing
concerns?”
o “Okay. We haven’t resolved the previous issue yet. Do you want to move on to
this new concern now, or should we stick with the original problem?”
o “Wait, wait, wait! We haven’t established our target yet!”
I (Richard) worked with a woman who had both dyslexia and ADHD. She simply could not
process information in a linear fashion. I policed our conversations. Every time she brought up
an extraneous topic, I would say, “Well we may need to get to that, but we have not put the other
matter to bed yet. Let’s stick with that.” And we would return. This woman’s mind did not work
in straight lines, and no one had ever helped her stay with one issue until it was resolved. As a
result, her life was cluttered with unsolved problems. In truth, only a handful of those matters
were serious. But they were buried in a sea of extraneous, non-essential concerns that constantly
distracted her.
COACHING MODELS TO FOCUS THE CONVERSATION
Some coaches use specific coaching models to keep their conversations moving forward.
Frankly, there are almost as many coaching models available as there are coaching organizations.
The following three methods can help guide a coaching conversation in a focused, fruitful
direction.
GROW Model
•
GOAL—What do you want?
•
REALITY—What is happening now?
•
OPTIONS—What could you do?
•
WILL—What will you do?3
The value of this model, popular in management and coaching circles, is that it is simple and
easy to memorize. It encourages the individual to consider available options and then commit to
take steps toward achieving the goal. As a value-neutral model, it begins with the client’s desire.
As such, it leaves God and Christian values out of the equation.
Collaborative Conversation Model
•
Establish FOCUS—What are the intended outcomes?
•
Discover POSSIBILITIES—Identify insights and options for moving forward.
•
Plan the ACTIONS—Assign responsibility for each task.
•
Remove BARRIERS—Identify potential obstacles and plan workarounds.
•
REVIEW—Who will do what by when?4
Two new dynamics contained in this model are Barriers and Review. Effective coaches explore
what might go wrong and what workarounds to consider if necessary (See Chapter 15). This
model, not being an acronym, is more difficult to remember during a coaching conversation. It is
also faith-neutral, so God is not an integral part of the process.
Two new dynamics contained in this model are Barriers and Review. Effective coaches explore
what might go wrong and what workarounds to consider if necessary (See Chapter 15). This
model, not being an acronym, is more difficult to remember during a coaching conversation. It is
also faith-neutral, so God is not an integral part of the process.
4D FLOW Approach
5
•
Discern—Where is God working?
•
Discover—How does He want me to participate?
•
Develop—What are the next steps?
•
Depend—Whom do I need?
Without God, people go astray. Their desires are skewed by their own sinful passions, and their
plans become self-centered. By discerning God’s activity at the beginning of the conversation,
clients are prepared to align the plan with His will rather than their own ambitions or struggles.
OUR CAUTION
Each of these models is valuable. Beware, though, of the temptation to rely on a model rather
than on the Holy Spirit’s guidance. Think of these models as training wheels. They represent the
science side of coaching. But coaching is also a spiritual art. Coaches must be attuned to God
and ready to change their approach in obedience to His prompting.
CAN’T I SOMETIMES JUST GIVE ADVICE?
A coach approach does not normally include advice-giving. But it is sometimes helpful for the
coach to brainstorm with the client. The coach may even offer ideas or suggestions. On such
occasions, I (Bob) have said, “Do you mind if I take off my coach hat for a moment and make a
recommendation?” or “Can I be a pastor with you for just a moment?” Coaches should use this
method sparingly. If they dole out advice frequently, they might be serving their own interests or
presenting answers clients should discover for themselves.
CONCLUSION
By guiding clients to focus on a single coachable issue, the coach helps them sort out priorities,
narrow their focus, and channel their life in a more fruitful direction. The next step is twofold:
remaining focused on the topic they chose and exploring the focus area in greater depth until
they are ready to take concrete steps forward.
CHAPTER 13
Calling for Commitment
The most difficult thing is the decision to act. The rest is merely tenacity.
Amelia Earhart
What are you prepared to do?
Malone to Elliot Ness in The Untouchables
The beloved children’s book But Who Will Bell the Cat? spins a tale about a group of mice that is
concerned about the dreaded house cat. During a particularly vexing brainstorming session, a
mouse comes forward with a brilliant idea: “Let’s place a bell on the cat so we can always know
when the cat is nearby!” The rodent gathering erupts with excited shouts of approval until one
wise old mouse asks the critically important question, “But who will bell the cat?”
A great gulf exists between ideas and commitments. People can discuss ideas until the cows
come home without ever making a decision. Effective spiritual leadership coaches ask hard
questions that lead to solid commitments. Tom Landry, famed former coach of the Dallas
Cowboys, described his job this way: “I make men do what they don’t want to do, so they can
become the players they always wanted to be.” Landry sagely understood that, though people
generally desire success, they sometimes need encouragement to choose the path that leads to
positive results.
In reality, it is extremely difficult for people to keep life-changing commitments in their own
strength. God must take the lead role in shaping His children into Christ’s image through various
life experiences (Rom. 8:28-29). Spiritual leadership coaches join God’s inner work through
powerful Spirit-led questions that lead to spiritual commitments, not just religious sentiments.
How do coaches lead their client to make and keep spiritual commitments? They challenge the
person to do the following:
•
Make a specific commitment.
•
Within a set time frame.
•
That is directly related to God’s revealed purpose for the person.
Commitments should be clearly defined. For example, a man might say he needs to become a
better husband. But his statement does not include any criteria for what being a better husband
entails or how he plans to become one. The gap between “I need to” and “I commit to” is huge!
When a man pledges to give his wife a daily compliment, help with the dishes after every meal,
and take out the garbage without being asked, however, he has promised something that is clear
and measurable.
Another factor to consider is spiritual relevance. Does the goal align with God’s revealed
purpose? People can easily become excited about good things that are not God’s best for them.
People can mistakenly pursue secondary goals while neglecting primary issues. Clarity and focus
are the best defense against the Enemy’s tactics of confusion and diversion.
The prophet Elijah is a great example of someone who called God’s people to make a specific
and timely commitment. King Ahab, under the influence of his wife, Jezebel, led Israel toward
idolatrous Baal worship. At Mount Carmel, Elijah called God’s people to take a clear stand:
Then Elijah approached all the people and said, “How long will you waver between two
opinions? If the LORD is God, follow him. But if Baal, follow him.” But the people didn’t answer
him a word (1 Kings 18:21-22).
God’s people kept hedging their bets, vacillating between serving the Lord and worshiping Baal
depending on which was more convenient at the time. But Elijah’s historic showdown between
good and evil forced them to make a lasting commitment.
Likewise, I (Bob) have noticed that my clients often use language that allows “wiggle room.” In
reality, using generalities is a way of avoiding commitments. Perceptive coaches pay attention to
words and, when appropriate, call out fuzzy terminology. For example, I sometimes ask clients
one of these commitment questions:
•
What changes do you need to make in your life based on our conversation today?
•
What specific actions will you take to achieve your aim?
•
So, what will you do by when?
•
So, what are your specific commitments from today?
The client often replies with a vague, “Well, I need to do such and such.” I may counter by
stating, “I listen carefully to words, and I find that there is a huge gap between ‘need to’ and
‘going to.’ What are you willing to commit to do?”
The following dialogue is an example of a successful focusing and commitment-making
conversation:
Coach: So, you have determined that God wants you to set a more Christ-like example for your
employees?
Coachee: That’s right. I want them to see Jesus in me!
Coach: How will you do that?
Coachee: I need to start by treating them better.
Coach: How so? What will you do differently?
Coachee: I need to show them I care.
Coach: What will you do to show them you care?
Coachee: Maybe I can ask them more questions about their personal and family life.
Coach: So you have thirty employees. What is a reasonable, measurable goal for you to make
daily or weekly?
Coachee: I can start files on my employees to keep track of birthdays, names of family members,
and concerns they have mentioned so I can ask focused questions that show them I care.
Coach: That’s great! When will you complete the files?
Coachee: I will develop the form and have my assistant create a file for each employee by the
end of next week.
Coach: How frequently will you review the files and have these conversations?
Coachee: I will normally review one file and check in on at least one person per day. During
crunch times, I will do at least three per week.
Coach: When will you begin?
Coachee: This Monday morning.
Coach: That’s great! May I suggest one addition?
Coachee: Sure. What’s that?
Coach: Have your assistant place the file on your desk each day so you don’t forget. And take
time to pray specifically for the employee before each conversation.
Coachee: Thanks. I’ll do that!
Notice how the coach guided the conversation from fuzzy intentions to focused commitments.
Coaches must not be afraid to ask hard questions in order to move their client from generalized
sentiments to specific actions. Patient perseverance is key! Coaching is never simply about
changed perspectives. Effective coaching always leads to changed behavior.
Coaches should make sure their client’s goals contain the following components: First, the
commitment should include specific actions. Rather than making vague statements, such as, “I
need to spend more time at home,” coaches should encourage clients to identify specific actions
they plan to take, such as, “I am going to resign from the school board next week so I can spend
Monday evenings at home with my family.” People cannot solve a problem until they commit to
a specific plan of action. Bossidy and Charan, in Execution, explain, “Unless you translate big
thoughts into concrete steps for action, they’re pointless. Without execution, the breakthrough
thinking breaks down, learning adds no value, people don’t meet their stretch goals, and the
revolution stops dead in its tracks.”1 Coaches help clients transform their dreams into action.
Second, the commitment should include timing. If a client says, “I will try to spend more time
with my three teenage children,” the coach should continue to probe until the client sets a
deadline. Perhaps the coach ultimately leads the client to make this commitment: “Before this
weekend, I will make a date with each of my kids to meet for a one-on-one lunch within the next
thirty days.” The client’s goal now includes a specific plan of action as well as a timeline.
Third, the commitment should include measurable goals. A person might say, “I need to care
more about my employees.” The individual’s sentiment is noble, but measuring a person’s heart
is difficult! The person would be better off making a quantifiable commitment: “I am going to
give my employees a gift certificate this month with a note of appreciation for their efforts.” The
individual’s commitment is now measurable.
Coaches must help people sustain hope as they work to keep commitments. One client I (Bob)
coached had frequently led his team to success throughout his long and storied career. He grew
despondent, however, by his inability to accomplish an important personal goal. To help him
sustain hope, we worked together to identify specific actions he needed to take to achieve
victory. We prioritized critical steps. Then I asked him to determine which tasks he needed to
complete himself and which ones he could delegate to others. I invited him to build a team that
would help him accomplish the task. Once we broke his big task into measurable actions, the
problem no longer appeared insurmountable. As a result, his venture ended in success and he
regained his confidence.
CONCLUSION
Tangible commitments provide a great starting point, but they do not guarantee a successful
outcome. To turn ideas into reality, accountability and futuring skills are required.
CHAPTER 14
Chosen Accountability
He that is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else.
Benjamin Franklin
But be doers of the word and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves.
James 1:22
Iron sharpens iron, and one person sharpens another.
Proverbs 27:17
Jesus was a master storyteller. In one narrative, He spoke about a man who told his two sons to
work in the fields. The first son refused, but later changed his mind and went. The second son
promised to go, but never did (Matt. 21:28-32). Jesus clearly explained that acknowledging a
need is not enough. Making commitments is insufficient. There is no substitute for action!
THE CHALLENGE OF ACCOUNTABILITY
Accountability to God, oneself, and others is important, because people have a sinful tendency to
avoid taking responsibility for their failure. After Adam was tricked into eating the forbidden
fruit in the Garden of Eden, he blamed his wife! Eve accused the serpent (Gen. 3:12-13). Adam
and Eve were not unusual in that regard. People often attempt to escape personal accountability
by blaming others—perhaps even their coach! In Winning with People, John Maxwell illustrates
people’s tendency to evade responsibility this way:
Cliff, while flying in a hot air balloon, realized he was lost. He reduced his altitude and spotted a
woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised
a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.” The woman below replied,
“You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between
forty and forty-one degrees north latitude and between fifty-nine and sixty degrees west
longitude.”
“You must be an engineer,” said the balloonist. “I am,” replied the woman, “How did you
know?” “Well,” answered the balloonist, “Everything you told me is technically correct, but I
have no idea of what to make of your information, and the fact is that I am still lost. Frankly,
you’ve not been much help so far.”
The woman below responded, “You must be in management.” “I am,” replied the balloonist.
“But how did you know?” “Well,” said the woman, “you don’t know where you are or where you
are going. You have risen where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise
which you have no idea how to keep. And you expect people beneath you to solve your
problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now,
somehow, it’s my fault.”
Coaches best serve their clients when they help them see their situation clearly, develop an action
plan for success, and make a personal commitment to take those actions. Though their role is
important, coaches should keep responsibility for success or failure where it belongs—with the
coachee. If the coach is not careful, external motivators for ensuring compliance—such as guilt,
fear, nagging, and cajoling—can become a ticking time-bomb within the person. They may
produce short-term acquiescence, while setting in motion an internal, long-term resistance that
sabotages the intended results.1
Sports and corporate psychologist Jim Taylor writes that the deepest and longest-lasting
motivators emanate from within. In his Motivation Matrix, he measures motivation along two
dimensions: internal vs. external and positive vs. negative.2 Motivations that fall within each of
the resulting four quadrants typically produce different experiences and outcomes.
THE KEY: ENHANCING INTRINSIC MOTIVATION
As the preceding chart demonstrates, Positive Internal Motivation produces the greatest long-
term results. Here are some internal motivators coaches can use as springboards for perseverance
and positive change:
•
Identity in Christ. In the Bible, people’s names described their personal identity. When
God encountered individuals in a significant way, He sometimes changed their names to
reflect their new character or status. Abram became Abraham. Simon became Peter. Saul
became Paul. The identity they discovered through an experience with God transformed
them forever. Here are some examples of questions that might appeal to a person’s
identity in Christ:
o How are you different since you came to faith in Christ?
o Who are you now in Christ?
o Which character in the Bible most inspires you? What would he/she do in this
situation? How can you emulate him/her?
o How would a child of the King respond to this problem?
o Because you have matured as a Christian, how will you handle this situation
differently than you would have five years ago?
•
Resources of faith. Coaches might remind people of available resources by asking a
question such as, “Which of God’s promises are available to help you meet this
challenge?” When appropriate, coaches might share a reassuring verse, such as 2
Corinthians 9:8: “And God is able to make every grace overflow to you, so that in every
way, always having everything you need, you may excel in every good work.” Coaches
might then ask a follow-up question:
o How will God’s grace enable you to meet this challenge?
o If God was willing to give His only Son to meet your biggest need, do you think
He’ll abandon you now?
o Currently, which of God’s resources are you leaving on the table?
•
Calling. When people clearly understand their divine calling, they rarely require external
motivation. If they get sidetracked, a simple question can often re-orient them. The coach
might ask, “How does achieving this goal fit into your calling?” or “How would
achieving this goal take you further down the path God has set before you?”
•
God-given passions and values. I (Bob) desire efficiency in thought, action, and
processes. God wired me that way. This coaching question would greatly motivate me:
“What is the most efficient way for you to accomplish this goal?” Coaches should strive
to understand the unique passions and values that influence people’s behavior. Coaches
can then build a mental bridge between clients’ values and the actions they have
committed to take.
•
Inherent strengths. People who operate within their strengths tend to be more motivated
than those who work outside their skill set. For example, young David declined Saul’s
armor and used a more familiar method to slay Goliath (1 Sam. 17). Who would have
thought that a boy’s slingshot could fell a giant! God often utilizes people’s unique
strengths to accomplish His purposes. For example, if God wired someone to lead, He
may well draw upon those leadership skills when He gives the person assignments. God
does not waste gifts!
We would add one caution at this point. People tend to assume God will only call them to
assignments that utilize their strengths. But numerous biblical examples suggest
otherwise. Moses certainly did not feel confident as a public speaker, but God sent him to
address Pharaoh. Gideon did not see himself as a natural leader, but God used him to
rally his nation. Non-believers tend to trust their strengths. But Christians understand that
God’s strength is the key
he key to success. God always equips people to complete their divine assignments.
Surprisingly, people are often unaware of their gifts. Someone may be a natural networker, yet
merely assume she likes people. Or a person may be a skilled problem solver, but worry he is
simply meddling in other people’s business. Coaches can guide people to develop a clear and
accurate picture of their abilities.
A variety of resources are available to help people determine their strengths. The Bible contains
several lists of spiritual gifts (Rom. 12; 1 Cor. 12; Eph. 4). When people understand how God
has equipped them, they are better prepared to tackle their next divine assignment. Be aware,
however, that people’s spiritual gifting may shift over time. A spiritual gift is a divine equipping
for a divine assignment. God may give people a variety of assignments over the course of their
life. As a result, the person’s equipping may vary through the years. A good coach helps people
recognize God’s ongoing activity in their life.
Besides spiritual equipping, each person also has innate talents and character strengths. Here are
some tools coaches might consider using to help clients identify innate strengths:
•
Strengths Finder is an inventory intended to equip people to better employ their strengths
and talents. This assessment is used in corporate settings to help employees excel in their
strength areas, rather than achieving mediocre results in other fields. A companion book,
Living Your Strengths, focuses on ways Christians can find and use their natural talents.
Each book contains a code for an online inventory. Again, coaches should use this tool
with caution. No inventory can capture or restrict who people are and how God can use
them. Though knowing one’s strengths is useful, God may choose to work through a
person’s weakness to demonstrate His power (2 Cor. 12:9).
•
Via Character Strengths focuses on 24 character traits that are most admired across
cultures.3 The free online inventory helps people identify their primary strengths. More
in-depth reports are also available for purchase. Knowing a client’s best character
qualities enables the coach to determine which line of questioning might spark the
highest internal motivation. For example, if a person’s character strengths include
creativity and bravery, a coach might ask, “Which aspects of this task require bravery?”
or “What is your most creative solution for this problem?”
•
Patterns of High Performance. While developing an assessment to determine high
performance types, Christian coach Dr. Jerry Fletcher discovered that each person
succeeds at tasks and projects in a unique way. He developed a story-based process to
help individuals identify when and how they work best. He outlines this procedure in his
book High Performance Patterns.4
•
Reward. Some rewards are external, such as a job promotion or recognition. But
rewards might also be internal. Coaches can draw on a person’s internal reward system
by asking questions like these: “How will you see yourself differently once you tackle
this problem?” or “How will success change how you view future challenges?”
•
Awareness of Urgency. People need to understand why they must take timely steps to
achieve their desired outcome. Otherwise, they may resist action. In Leading Change,
John Kotter states, “People will find a thousand ingenious ways to withhold cooperation
from a process that they sincerely believe is unnecessary or wrong-headed.”5 He
emphasizes that change leaders must help people understand why change needs to happen
now. This principle also applies to coaches.
•
I (Bob) saw a sense of urgency take root in one pastor’s soul as he faced a now-or-never
deadline for a doctoral degree. I asked him why he needed to finish now. He responded,
“Because I am losing credibility with my staff, my flock, and myself.” He touched on one
of his core values: setting a positive example for those he leads. As we worked to
formulate a plan, we considered how much work remained, how long each segment
would take to complete, and which activities he needed to remove from his weekly
schedule to make time for his studies. I honestly doubted he could maintain the
aggressive pace he set for himself. To my surprise, he did. He even achieved an award for
his excellent work! He already possessed the passion he needed to accomplish his goal. I
simply had the privilege of igniting it through a few thoughtful questions.
•
Desire to please God. Christians long to hear the Lord say, “Well done, good and
faithful servant” (Matt. 25:23). Coaches can help people connect the dots between their
goals and their personal relationship with God. When people sense their actions please
God, their internal motivation soars. A coach might ask, for example, “What part of this
accomplishment will most please the heart of God?” or “What must you do to hear God
say, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant’ to you?”
HOSEN ACCOUNTABILITY
People are far more likely to succeed when they set up their own accountability system. Here are
some questions coaches may consider asking as they help clients develop one:
•
What steps will you take to keep on track with your commitments?
•
On a scale from 1 to 10, how committed are you to taking these steps?
•
What do you need to do to stay on track?
•
Who can you enlist to help you succeed?
Clients may want to include their coach as a part of their support team. While coaches may
participate if they wish, they should strive to keep people answerable to God and responsible for
themselves. Passivity becomes disobedience when people fail to complete the tasks God gives
them.
A support system should encompass both strategies and people. These are a few accountability
tactics coaches might recommend:
•
Sharing commitments with loved ones.
•
Setting recurring cell phone reminders to prompt action.
•
Strategically placed visual cues.
•
Rituals, such as completing specific actions at certain times, places, or in conjunction
with other habitual practices. For example, reading aloud a memory verse while going for
a walk.
•
Regular check-ins with an accountability partner.
•
Appropriate personal rewards for achieving goals.
•
Deliberately celebrating small wins along the way.
•
Reflective journaling about successes and failures and the feelings and causes behind
them.
For many people, accountability carries negative connotations. Perhaps it calls to mind a critical
supervisor who detailed their every shortcoming or a father who was never satisfied with their
performance. But coaches are encouragers, not overseers. When people fail, coaches help them
learn from their mistakes so they fail forward.
Good coaches pay attention to verbal cues that suggest the client is avoiding personal
responsibility. For example, if someone keeps saying “they,” “he,” and “her,” rather than “I,”
“me,” and “my,” the person may have a skewed perspective. People might blame their spouse,
children, boss, or colleagues for their shortcomings. They may explain that the economy has
been bad, life has been too hectic, or their dog had to go to the vet. Of course, uncontrollable
events occur from time to time. But wise coaches keep the focus on the client’s actions. When
the coachee starts blaming other people, the coach should gently but firmly redirect the
conversation. The coach might use one of the following questions:
•
That person is not in the room right now, so let’s focus on you. What can you learn? What
is within your control?
•
What are you learning about yourself in this situation?
•
What will you do differently moving forward to achieve success in this area?
Making excuses is often a learned response. Effective coaching guides people to accept personal
responsibility. Some coaches take session notes with a special focus on commitments. In
subsequent meetings, the coach may review the person’s actions. The coach might say, for
example, “In our last meeting you said you were going to take each of your adult children out for
lunch. How did that go?” or “You said you would join a local gym and begin exercising three
mornings per week. How is that going?” While this practice involves an element of
accountability, it also helps people track their progress. Coaches should ultimately measure
success by people’s accomplishments, not their words.
PRE-SESSION FORMS
Craig Faubel, a Blackaby-certified coach, works primarily with pastors and Christian business
leaders. He developed a pre-session form that he has clients complete and send to him before
each session. Their answers help him identify the session’s focus. These are the questions he
asks:
•
What is God doing around me right now?
•
What has He accomplished in and through me since our last meeting?
•
What challenges am I facing that require prayer and/or His intervention?
•
What opportunities has God opened up for me?
•
Where am I currently hesitating to follow His leading?
•
What does God want me to focus on with my coach, and what outcome does God want?
•
To what goals and actions is God calling me to commit? By when?
•
What does God want me to add to or subtract from my life to be more fully devoted to
Him?
•
What else is God placing on my heart?6
•
Accountability can radically strengthen one’s resolve to undergo personal change and
growth. For example, Bill can tell himself he needs to stop eating dessert until he loses
ten pounds. But if no one else knows about his commitment, he might conveniently set it
aside and indulge himself the next time his mother makes his favorite pie. If other people
know about his goal, however, he is much more likely to experience success. Coaches
should encourage their clients to develop a system of accountability that fits their
personality type and lifestyle.
•
Coaches and clients should regularly review the effectiveness of the accountability
systems they establish. With a good coach, even failure can be a springboard to success.
On the other hand, if people persistently blame others and refuse any accountability, a
leadership coach may not benefit them. In those cases, a coach can merely hold up a
mirror so they clearly see what their inaction is costing themselves and others.
•
CONCLUSION
•
Chosen accountability is important because it enhances perseverance and sets the stage
for future success. An accountability system works best when it taps into internal
motivators. Futuring skills also help deepen and broaden insights and success. We’ll
discuss those next.
CHAPTER 15
Envisioning a God-Inspired Future
I was in the Spirit on the Lord’s day, and I heard a loud voice behind me like a trumpet saying,
‘Write on a scroll what you see.’
John (Revelation 1:10-11)
So then, King Agrippa, I was not disobedient to the heavenly vision.
Paul (Acts 26:19)
A leader is someone who has a drive, commitment and most importantly, a vision and skill set to
transform an idea into an innovation.
Daniel Transon
Reflecting on his first successful airplane flight, Orville Wright said, “I got more thrill out of
flying before I had ever been in the air at all—while lying in bed thinking about how exciting it
would be to fly!”1 He dreamed of flying, and, with work and determination, he eventually soared.
Wright’s vision propelled him to success at a time when most people believed flying was
impossible. In fact, disbelief was so ubiquitous that no reporters came to witness the flights he
and his brother Wilbur made day after day.2
Martin Luther King Jr. cast his vision of a more inclusive America on August 28, 1963, when he
delivered this famous speech before 250,000 civil rights supporters:
I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed:
“We hold these truths to be self-evident; that all men are created equal.”
I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia the sons of former slaves and the sons of
former slave owners will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood.
I have a dream that one day even the state of Mississippi, a state sweltering with the heat of
injustice, sweltering with the heat of oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom
and justice.
I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be
judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.
Wright’s dream led him to fly. King’s dream transformed a culture. Their experience speaks to
the power and promise of vision.
Biblical vision differs from worldly vision, for it emanates not from people’s imaginations but
from God. Even the most selfish, diabolical fiend can imagine a future where he achieves his
heinous desires. But his fantasy stems from his own selfish wishes. God is under no obligation to
make people’s dreams come true. Instead, He instills within the human soul a desire to
accomplish His eternal purposes. Once people embrace God’s call, their life proceeds with
purpose and cohesion. People without vision lack direction. Their life merely becomes a series of
opportunities, emergencies, and the empty pursuit of pleasure, which inevitably leads to despair
and dissatisfaction. Likewise, ambitious visions birthed from people’s imaginations—rather than
God’s revelation—lack God’s blessing and heaven’s resources.
According to A.W. Tozer, vision and leadership spring from earnest prayer: “Leadership requires
vision, and whence will vision come except from hours spent in the presence of God in humble
and fervent prayer?”3 To know God’s intentions, one must learn what is on His heart and mind (1
Sam. 2:35).
Through insightful questions and observations, coaches can help people bring into focus a divine
vision so rich and compelling they can almost taste, touch, and experience its wonder even
before it comes to fruition. Once it takes firm root in a person’s soul, a clear vision becomes a
powerful motivator.
I (Bob) once coached a pastor who experienced a crisis of belief while struggling to complete his
doctoral prospectus. He clearly lacked focus, a problem that stemmed from his low self-
confidence. Despite his unquestionably successful ministry career, he viewed himself as an
academic failure. His despair was negatively affecting his ability to lead his church. We
determined together that he needed to finish his doctorate as a matter of stewardship. After
removing some mental roadblocks, I asked him this refocusing question: “Tell me, how will you
feel when you finally walk across that stage, the faculty stands in your honor, and the doctoral
hood is placed on your shoulders?” This question planted a compelling mental image within him
that grew stronger than all his disabling fears and propelled him to success.
How can coaches cultivate a heavenly vision within their client? They should start by reviewing
the ways God guided the person in the past. If, for example, a pastor cannot recall a time when
God led him to abort a divine assignment, he will be more likely to preservere in his present
undertaking. Coaches might also help clients identify how God motivated them previously.
Doing so might provide clues as to how God will bring about progress in the future.
Once people identify what they need to accomplish, envisioning takes on an additional aspect—
picturing God’s preferred future. Coaches can begin the process by bringing the blessings of
obedience into focus with one of these questions:
•
Tell me, when all is said and done and you have achieved this goal, how will life be better
for you? For your loved ones? In your work? For the kingdom?
•
Who will be most pleased when God accomplishes this through you?
•
What do you imagine God saying to you when you accomplish this? What will you say
back to Him?
•
How will you celebrate completing your goal?
As clients perceive that God is initiating something in their life, the vision will take on a
motivating “this one thing I must do” quality (Phi. 3:13).
Coaches should also consider biblical examples of how God inspired people. He promised to
bring the Israelites to a land “flowing with milk and honey” (Ex. 3:8). God’s words were rich
with symbolism and easy to invision. Milk came from healthy cattle that grazed in lush pastures.
God promised Moses a land characterized by peace and fertility. Honey was a sweet luxury. God
told Moses the land would be flowing with God’s goodness. Such images were powerfully
motivating!
Coaches might ask people to describe the promise they sense God has given them for their
organization. If the client is a church planter, the coach may ask him to describe his future
church. Will it have a fancy coffee bar in the lobby surrounded by people excitedly visiting? Will
the children’s area be amazing? Will the church meet in a facility of its own or in the midst of a
high-traffic community center? Better yet, what life changes will attendees experience? How will
the realization of this vision fulfill kingdom purposes? Visions of future success can encourage
church planters not to lose heart when they deal with innumerable challenges during the early
stages of birthing a congregation.
A coach might ask a small-business owner what her company will look like once it undergoes the
significant changes she is implementing. Will the staff be highly motivated, unified, and
creative? Will the company invest significant portions of its profits back into the kingdom of
God? Will it make positive contributions to the local community? The coach might ask the owner
for a virtual tour of her company’s future offices. Such exercises can be incredibly energizing.
They can also be extremely insightful for coaches who are trying to understand a person’s goals.
One caution. Envisioning is not a name-it-and-claim-it exercise. In spiritual leadership coaching,
coaches do not lead others simply to conjure up fantasies from their own imaginations or
ambition. Instead, coaches cooperate with God in drawing out His vision for people. Just as
adjusting the knob on binoculars brings vision into focus, coaches should use Spirit-led questions
and observations to clarify what God has embedded within a person’s soul. Spiritual envisioning
is holy ground and should not be undertaken lightly. God does not promise to make everyone’s
dreams come true. But He is highly motivated to achieve His will in the world. When people
align themselves with God’s purposes, they gain access to all the wisdom, power, and resources
of heaven. Ultimately, people do not serve a vision, but the living God who directs their steps
and ensures victory.
CONCLUSION
Even with God-initiated visions, clear goals, and specific commitments, unforeseen challenges
can threaten to wash away the best made plans. Great coaches help people prepare for the
surprises that inevitably come.
CHAPTER 16
Anticipating and Overcoming Obstacles
The best laid schemes of mice and men often go awry.
Robert Burns
For which of you, wanting to build a tower, doesn’t first sit down and calculate the cost to see if
he has enough to complete it? Otherwise, after he has laid the foundation and cannot finish it,
all the onlookers will begin to ridicule.
Jesus (Luke 14:28-29)
Many plans are in a person’s heart, but the LORD’S
decree will prevail.
Proverbs 19:21
God intended for the Israelites to conquer Canaan and dwell in a land flowing with milk and
honey. The Israelites were initially happy with the plan, but they soon ran into obstacles. Walled
cities, hostile armies, and large Canaanite soldiers stalled the Israelites’ progress. Overcome by
fear, the disheartened Hebrews turned and fled back into the wilderness.
Such behavior, especially from God’s people, is all too common. What went wrong? The
Israelites had a God-inspired vision. They were motivated. They made progress. Then the wheels
came off, and the rest is history.
Their problem—as is often the case—was their inability to persevere when they faced
challenges. An obstacle can be any person or circumstance that stands between people and God’s
will. Abraham’s hurdle was a chronically barren wife. Joseph’s was ten jealous older brothers.
Nehemiah’s was Sanballat, Tobiah, and Geshem. Elijah’s was Ahab and Jezebel. David’s was
Goliath. The Rich Young Ruler’s was money. Judas’ was greed. Thomas’ was doubt. Each person
knew what he should do, but something stood in his way. Some managed to overcome challenges
and eventually enjoy God’s rewards. Others never did. As a result, they lived the remainder of
their days in failure and regret, speculating about what might have been.
Countless organizations fail to take steps that would ultimately lead to success. Many strategies
for church or corporate transformation are gathering dust in cabinets. Countless New Year’s
resolutions have fallen by the wayside. Why? Some of those plans were not prompted by God, so
the initiatives never bore fruit. In other cases, God-inspired plans failed because unanticipated
obstacles derailed them.
When people are prevented from moving forward with their plans, they often experience feelings
of defeat, incompetence, and shame. They may quit trying or discard their original plan as
untenable. Spiritual leadership coaches encourage people to persevere despite the obstacles.
Challenges are inevitable; failure is not!
ANTICIPATING OBSTACLES
No one can foresee every potential pitfall. Enemies may rise up to thwart the plan. Finances
might dry up. Trusted friends and colleagues sometimes fall short. Economic downturns,
international crises, trade wars, national elections, terrorist attacks, scandals, and a plethora of
other issues can stand between people and their goals. But by asking the right questions, coaches
can empower their clients to become more resilient and better prepared when obstacles
inevitably arise. Here are some questions coaches might ask:
•
What might go wrong? What will you do if it does?
•
What is the worst thing that could happen? What is the best thing that could occur?
•
What is your Plan B?
•
What variables are outside your control?
•
What would a perfect storm look like for you right now? How are you prepared for it?
•
Where are you currently vulnerable?
Coaches should help people think through possible responses to the “what ifs.” Coaches may
need to encourage big-picture people to explore details that might go wrong and possible
responses if they do—the who, what, where, when, and how. On the other hand, coaches may
need to help detail-oriented people remain calm despite their long to-do list. If, for example, a
person believes God wants him to improve his health, these are some possibilities he and his
coach might explore:
•
Physical obstacles, such as encountering a rainy day when he plans to go for a jog.
•
Financial barriers, such as when a gym membership costs more than he budgeted.
•
Emotional challenges, including reluctance to wake up early in the morning to exercise.
•
Spiritual hurdles, such as guilt over a recent failure.
•
Relational difficulties, including friends and family who do not support his commitments.
•
Time constraints, such as when he has to work late.
While people cannot know the future, they can prepare for it!
OVERCOMING OBSTACLES
Navigating challenges can be extremely unsettling. Coaches should take the following steps
when assisting a distraught client.
First, the coach may need to help the person regain emotional control. The coach might say,
“This appears serious, but not life-threatening. Should we take a quick inventory to see what
important aspects of your life are still healthy and in order? Is God still on His throne? Does your
family still love you? Have you managed to stay out of the cardiac ward?” While coaches should
not minimize people’s pain, most situations do not warrant hitting the panic button. While losing
a key staff person or client is difficult, those problems are not as serious as a terminal illness or
divorce. The first thing coaches might need to do, therefore, is work to calibrate the person’s
response to the problem.
Second, coaches should help identify and quantify the problem. People often react to symptoms
without recognizing the underlying cause. In the heat of the moment, people tend to over-
generalize. For example, someone might say, “Since things have gone south in my company, all
my best people are leaving me for my competitors.” The coach could ask, “Which people are
leaving?” The coach might follow up by asking, “How many of these people have actually
resigned?” Perhaps only one person quit, but the client fears others will follow suit.
Coaches should also help the person assess the damage. The staff member who left the company
might have been entrusted with significant responsibility. But he may have grown critical and
disruptive. He might have created tense moments in otherwise harmonious staff meetings. Is his
departure really so devastating? Sure, the company will have to replace him. But the end result
might be better. Could this be a good time to reshuffle the entire executive staff? Some of them
are ready for new challenges. Perhaps instead of merely filling a vacancy, the company could
reorganize the staff so their roles better suit their passions. As the coach works through these
issues, the client may realize that his devastating problem is actually a blessing in disguise.
Common wisdom purports that smoke signals a fire. True, but some burning items cause more
smoke than others. Someone might enter a smoky house and assume the building is burning
down. But after entering the kitchen, the person may discover a frying pan unattended on a
burner. What first appeared to be a widespread blaze is actually a relatively self-contained,
manageable flame. Likewise, when people make an appointment with a coach, they may feel
panicked about the billowing smoke they find in their life and work. The coach can help them
survey their situation to determine how much is merely smoke and how much is actually fire.
Third, coaches should help people consider the best ways to overcome obstacles. At this point,
the coach might need to assure the person that most problems have a solution. We have seen
people panic after receiving a hostile letter from an attorney. To the untrained eye, the threat of
legal action seems to contain a lot of fire. The coach might encourage clients to refrain from any
knee-jerk responses until they have evaluated the situation carefully and sought appropriate legal
counsel. The key to success is to assume a viable response exists and then to search for it calmly.
People might grow discouraged if the answer is not immediately apparent. Coaches may need to
encourage their clients to persevere. They might ask, “How long did it take you to build this
company? Are you going to let a five-minute phone call tear down something you took twenty
years to build?” or “Your first attempts seem to have disappointed you, but all is not lost. Tell me
again what makes success important to you? Let’s take a deep breath together and look at what
you can still accomplish.” At times, a coach’s greatest contribution is helping someone see that
defeat is not the only option!
CONCLUSION
Everyone experiences problems. Wise people anticipate and prepare for them. When issues arise,
they remain composed and choose the best possible response. Then they stick with the plan,
making minor adjustments as necessary. Spiritual leadership coaches can play a significant role
in this process. In the next chapter, we will explore ways coaches can deepen the insights the
client gains during each session by mining for takeaways.
CHAPTER 17
Mining for Takeaways
It is necessary … for a man to go away by himself … to sit on a rock … and ask,
‘Who am I, where have I been, and where am I going?
Carl Sandburg
If the God of the universe speaks to you, you ought to write it down.
Henry Blackaby
People love telling and retelling their favorite stories. These narratives are often beloved because
they describe vivid experiences that were funny, embarrassing, or marked a turning point of
some kind.
My (Richard) parents often recount the story of a dramatic experience they had when I was a
child. My father was the pastor of a church in Southern California. While attending a special
service, my parents both felt called to serve as international missionaries. At the close of the
meeting, they went to the altar and dedicated themselves to go wherever God sent them. The
international mission board soon approved their application, and they were tentatively earmarked
to relocate to Africa where my father would teach at a Bible college.
Then a crisis occurred. As a seven-year-old, I experienced several fainting spells. My parents
took me to the doctor. He scheduled a battery of tests and concluded that I might have a brain
tumor. He prescribed medication and monitored me carefully. The mission board suggested that
moving to Africa would be unwise until my medical condition improved. My parents were
disappointed. They had been certain God was preparing them to go.
A few weeks later, my father received a phone call he would never forget. A small, struggling
congregation in Saskatoon, Canada, was in danger of disbanding unless the remaining members
could enlist a pastor. They asked my father to take the job. My parents, having already prepared
themselves to go anywhere God invited them, recognized that serving in this Canadian church
was God’s plan all along. They assumed missions meant traveling to a distant land. But my
father grew up in Canada. He had prayed for revival in that nation for years. Now God was
inviting him to minister in his native land.
Little financial support was available for my parents’ ministry, so they relied on God’s provision.
He always supplied exactly what they needed at just the right time. On that difficult mission
field, my parents learned that God was not merely a doctrine to believe, but a personal God who
wanted to walk with them daily.
In time, people began inviting my father to speak about walking with God and knowing His will.
He eventually wrote Experiencing God Knowing and Doing the Will of God, a book about
lessons he learned while serving in Canada.
The book deeply impacted a missionary who was serving in Asia. When that missionary later
became the president of his denomination’s international mission organization, he asked my
father to travel internationally and teach missionaries the truths he wrote about in the book. My
parents ministered in 115 nations.
In a conversation with the mission director one day, my father mentioned that my health had
prevented our family from serving as missionaries in Africa many years earlier. The man
insightfully told my father that my family would have likely enjoyed a wonderful ministry in
Africa, but he doubted my father would have written Experiencing God if he had gone. And
because he wrote that book, he ministered in not one but 115 nations. To date, Experiencing God
has been translated into more than 40 languages and is widely used to equip believers around the
globe.
When my parents surrendered to God’s
ill, they set a number of divine initiatives into motion. Looking back over the milestone moments
in their lives, they could clearly see how God guided them throughout their pilgrimage. They
learned that, with God, a closed door may in fact open up an avenue for expanded service.
My parent’s story has an interesting addendum. After moving to Canada, they connected me with
doctors who could continue monitoring my brain tumor. The Canadian doctors ran the same tests
the doctors in California had, but they found no trace of a tumor. They immediately discontinued
the heavy medication I was taking, and I have never had another fainting spell.
Recognizing and remembering spiritual turning points is important. Sadly, many Christians fail
to give these divine occasions the attention they deserve. A turning point for the Israelites was
their exodus from slavery in Egypt. At the annual Passover meal, fathers would recount the
exodus story to their families so they would never forget it. For New Testament Christians,
communion and baptism are powerful reminders of dramatic spiritual turning points. Psalm 106
describes the disastrous consequences of forgetting God’s past work (bolded for emphasis):
Both we and our fathers have sinned;
we have done wrong and have acted wickedly.
Our fathers in Egypt did not grasp
the significance of your wondrous works
or remember your many acts of faithful love;
instead, they rebelled by the sea—the Red Sea.
Yet he saved them for his name’s sake,
to make his power known.
He rebuked the Red Sea, and it dried up;
he led them through the depths as through a desert.
He saved them from the power of the adversary;
he redeemed them from the power of the enemy.
Water covered their foes;
not one of them remained.
Then they believed his promises
and sang his praise.
They soon forgot his works
and would not wait for his counsel.
They were seized with craving in the wilderness
and tested God in the desert.
He gave them what they asked for,
but sent a wasting disease among them.
Psalm 106:6-15
People often fail to look back on important turning points in their life. But reflecting, especially
on God’s activity, is vitally important for Christians. Spiritual attentiveness can take many forms.
The following pages outline a number of ways coaches can help people practice personal and
spiritual reflection.
SESSION TAKEAWAYS
During coaching sessions, God often reveals fresh insights about Himself and His purposes. The
coachee can easily overlook these revelations. People tend to focus only on actions and
outcomes, not on the spiritual lessons God wants them to learn. Christian coaches should help
clients mine their experiences for spiritual insights. A coach might ask one of these questions at
the end of a session to provoke reflective thought:
•
What stood out to you as we coached today?
•
What have been your primary insights or takeaways during our time together?
•
What do you sense God is saying to you?
•
What difference will taking action on this insight make in your life? Your choices? Your
relationships? Your work?
•
What do you see or understand more clearly now?
Takeaway questions are powerful for two reasons. First, they leave people in charge of their own
learning. Second, taking time each session to explore takeaways can help clients maintain a
positive mindset during trying times.
As an alternative method of mining for session takeaways, coaches might consider giving the
client a post-session reflection form. This method allows time, especially for introverted people,
to reflect on the questions prior to responding.
LEARNING FROM SETBACKS AND FAILURES
People inevitably fail from time to time. Good coaches help people mine the failure for
takeaways so they do not end up in a similar situation again. These questions may help:
•
This didn’t turn out the way you/we had hoped. What can you learn from this?
•
What went well? What did not work well?
•
What will you do differently next time?
•
What do you sense God saying to you right now?
JOURNALING
Writing in a journal is an excellent way to identify and document key life events. Not only do
people benefit from slowing down and writing out their thoughts, but the journal can also
become a record of God’s activity and faithfulness in their life. Patterns of God’s activity,
commands, and promptings might emerge over time. These recurrences can alert people to ways
God may use them in the future. One pattern I (Bob) noticed through reflective journaling is that
God often calls me to minister in places of discouragement or disunity. While not an absolute
indicator for me, patterns attract my attention as I seek the Lord’s direction.
SYMBOLS
Performing a symbolic action, such as saving a keepsake from an important encounter with God,
can serve as a useful reflecting tool. I (Richard) wrote a daily devotional book with my father,
Henry, called Experiencing God: Day by Day. Many people have told us that God used a
devotion from that book to direct them to a particular job. In response, they photocopied that
page, framed it, and hung it on their office wall. When life becomes difficult—and it will—
reminders of God’s faithfulness and guidance in the past provide encouragement to hold the
course.
SERMON INSIGHTS
Many pastors marvel when God speaks a word to congregants that only vaguely relates to the
sermon they delivered. Preachers who worked hard to develop a particular message might find
this phenomenon off-putting at first. But God speaks truth both through and alongside a pastor’s
homily. The apostle Paul referenced the paradoxical nature of preaching in 1 Corinthians 1:21:
“For since, in God’s wisdom, the world did not know God through wisdom, God was pleased to
save those who believe through the foolishness of what is preached.” The Holy Spirit applies the
truth proclaimed through a sermon to the unique circumstances and heart of each
listener.
After I (Richard) preach, people often tell me that God used something I said to reveal a
powerful insight to them. Interestingly, I often cannot remember saying what they claim to have
heard. At times, I have even listened to a recording of the message and not found the statement
they cited. I have come to understand that the Holy Spirit within people speaks to their heart
while I preach. My declarations cannot change anyone, but one word from the Holy Spirit can
transform a life. Whenever I preach, teach, or coach, I pray for the Holy Spirit to work in each
listener’s heart. Perhaps the 500 people in the congregation will hear 500 unique, divinely
inspired messages (each of them better than the one I delivered!).
In coaching, spiritual insight may stem from a coach’s perceptive question or timely comment.
But God is not limited to working directly through spoken words and their intended meaning.
PROBING FOR OVERLOOKED INSIGHTS
Some people have never learned to recognize God’s activity. He might be speaking loudly and
clearly, but they do not recognize His voice. He may have accomplished a great work in their
life, but they chalk it up to luck or happenstance. For example, a man who is concerned about his
finances might pray for God’s provision. Out of the blue, or so it seems, a friend from his college
days contacts him and offers him a job. Many people, even Christians, would view this event as a
coincidence. But an insightful coach might ask, “You have been praying for God to intervene in
your finances. Then this happens, completely unrelated to anything you initiated. What might
that mean? Could this be an answer to your prayer? Has God said ‘yes’? How do you know if
this is God’s answer?” A spiritually perceptive person traces the workings of God’s divine hand.
Coaches should actively look for “God moments” their clients may have missed. A client might
say, “Then I happened to sit next to Jim at a restaurant.” The coach could respond, “You
happened to go to the same restaurant as the person who is able to help you with this problem?”
Or the person might mention, “My wife really doesn’t want me to take George on as a partner.”
The coach could respond, “You have been praying for God to warn you if this deal is not from
Him, and now your wife has spoken against it. What a coincidence! What do you make of that?”
While coaches should not place too much weight on insignificant events, they should be careful
not to undervalue God’s activity. His work is always worth taking seriously!
THE POWER OF FOCUS
Brain science speaks to the value of reflecting on life lessons. Daniel Goleman, pioneering
author on the subject of emotional intelligence, writes, “Paying full attention seems to boost the
mind’s processing speed, strengthen synaptic connections, and expand or create neural networks
for what we are practicing.”1 While people are often in a hurry to move on to the next problem at
hand, coaches should encourage them to take time to fully process their latest insight.
Why should coaches help people fully embrace the insights they gain? Because when coaches
lead someone to identify, value, and focus on a primary takeaway, they give the person the gift of
focus. God is not passive in this process. He empowers people as they address the priorities He
presses into their awareness. God expects people to “set their minds” on the right issues. Notice
how that phrase shows up in Scripture:
“Now determine in your mind and heart to seek the LORD your God” (1 Chron. 22:19).
“For those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on the things of the flesh, but
those who live according to the Spirit have their minds set on the things of the Spirit. Now the
mind-set of the flesh is death, but the mind-set of the Spirit is life and peace” (Rom. 8:5-6).
“Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things” (Col. 3:2).
Many people struggle to “set their mind.” In an age of multitasking, people are unaccustomed to
thinking deeply about one issue. Yet many of the problems people face today can only be
resolved through prolonged, analytical, God-inspired thought. Coaches can teach people to think
in a more disciplined and perceptive manner.
People can find some of the greatest reservoirs of personal insight in their failures. By keeping
an optimistic outlook, coaches can turn people’s shortcomings into opportunities for spiritual
growth. If someone crumbled under the pressure of a problem, a coach can help mine the
experience for takeaways so the person does not repeat the mistake. The coach might ask one of
these questions:
•
What might you learn from this?
•
What are your takeaways?
•
Where do you believe God wants you to go from here?
With God, there is always another chapter to the story!
CONCLUSION
When coaches mine the conversation for spiritual takeaways, they empower people to align their
life with what is truly important. In the next chapter, we will examine coaching in real time and
under specific and sometimes vexing circumstances.
CHAPTER 18
Coaching through Seasons of Pain
By Brett Pyle
Note: Brett is an extraordinarily gifted coach who has helped countless executives overcome
personal and professional hurdles to achieve success. In this chapter, Brett presents a model that
can be a helpful coaching tool. However, Brett is also highly responsive to the Holy Spirit’s
leading throughout his coaching sessions and makes adjustments when necessary.
God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks to us in our conscience, but shouts in our pains;
pain is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world.
C.S. Lewis
If you only respond to God and yield to Him in times of pain, He certainly knows what number to
dial to reach you!
Richard Blackaby
Roger (name has been changed) grew up on the tough streets of the Bronx. He was strong,
talented, and charismatic. Everyone liked him. Many opportunities came his way, not all of them
wholesome. He enjoyed a fast, hard-partying lifestyle. Shortly before he turned eighteen,
however, the good times ended abruptly. Intoxicated, Roger drove over a hill and crashed
directly into a parked car, critically injuring its occupant. Roger could not remember the event
when he awoke in the hospital. Barely an adult, Roger found himself in prison for nearly a year.
Jail made Roger hard and angry. Shortly after his release, he sat miserably on his front porch
steps and glared at passersby. He seethed with anger that a single stupid mistake had ruined his
life. He left the steps and took a long walk. Along the way, he had a tough conversation with
himself. He concluded that he alone was to blame for his circumstances. By the time he returned
home, he had accepted personal responsibility for his situation and vowed to fix his own mess.
No more pity party.
Fast forward 25 years.
Roger succeeded where many fail. He worked menial day jobs to pay his way through night
school, eventually earning a degree in accounting and finance. He landed a job in the accounting
department of a sizeable company and worked his way up the ranks. He met and married the girl
of his dreams. Ultimately, a huge new career opportunity came his way. He was offered a
position as the CFO of a rapidly growing company. He took the job and quickly made a name for
himself. He worked long hours and saved the owners millions of dollars. As a result, they
appointed him CEO and gave him partial ownership of the company. His life appeared to be back
on track.
I began coaching Roger when he was near the precipice of his career. On the surface, everything
was going his way. He told me he did not have any “real problems.” He simply wanted to
sharpen his leadership abilities. But deep pain often lurks below the surface of seemingly
successful lives, as Roger would soon discover.
PAIN’S POSSIBILITIES
Personally, I am not highly motivated to help people improve incrementally. I find more
satisfaction in equipping clients to undergo significant life change. And in my experience,
breakthrough life transformation rarely occurs while everything is going well. Just as a
caterpillar’s struggle against the resisting walls of its chrysalis strengthens and fortifies its wings,
pain typically precedes the birth of a newly formed attribute in a person’s life.
Spiritual leadership coaches are invaluable in the transformation process. They are objective, for
they are not experiencing their client’s pain. Instead, they walk with the person through the pain,
much like a midwife assists a laboring mother. They can also help people recognize God’s
purposes in difficult life seasons. To paraphrase C.S. Lewis, God has people’s undivided
attention in their discomfort. He uses it to purify and transform them. In a way, a client’s pain
can be a coach’s ally. Wise coaches use it to move people from where they are to where God
wants them to be.
How do skilled coaches find pain? Sometimes it is immediately obvious. On other occasions, the
coach must dig to find it. The Spiritual Pain Funnel, which I adapted and modified from a
marketplace model, can help coaches locate pain.1
THE SPIRITUAL PAIN FUNNEL
Using The Spiritual Pain Funnel as a guide, coaches can ask clients a series of progressive
questions that move them from merely accepting the status quo to experiencing major life
transformation.
At the beginning of the conversation, clients may not acknowledge a particular problem they
wish to address. Roger maintained the status quo in the opening story of this chapter, claiming he
had no need to make major changes. He simply wanted to improve his leadership skills. For
illustrative purposes, picture the status quo hovering above the oft-murky waters of The Spiritual
Pain Funnel.
A simple question (e.g., “What’s going on?”) can identify surface issues in someone’s life. These
issues might initially appear insignificant. The person may not even consider them important
enough to address with a coach.
A follow-up question (e.g., “Really?”) might encourage further explanation, revealing minor
annoyances. Again, the person might think these irritations are “not a big deal.” But they offer
the coach a glimpse of what lies below the surface. Expressing understanding or empathy can
progress the coach deeper into the funnel. A mere “I see,” or “oh,” followed by silence often
reassures the person that the coach is sympathetic, listening, and interested in hearing more.
As the client continues to speak, spiritual leadership coaches should practice multi-level listening
skills and take note of bigger concerns, specifically issues that could lead to serious
consequences if left unaddressed. For example, the coach might pick up on a non-verbal reaction
or nuanced shift in tone when the coachee mentions a particular annoyance. In a long-term
coaching relationship, the coach might notice when a client references an annoyance that is
similar to a problem the person mentioned in past sessions. Alternatively, the coach might simply
ask, “Which of those annoyances is troubling you most at the moment?” This question
encourages the coachee to reflect more deeply on the list of disturbances.
Once clients zero in on a problem requiring attention, coaches may feel as though their work is
almost complete. After all, “the problem named is half solved,” right? Yes and no. Everyone’s
pain tolerance is different. A discomfort that spurs one person to action could simply be everyday
life for someone else. Purposeful queries can help clients articulate specific reasons change is
necessary now. Here are a few examples:
•
How long has this been going on?
•
What might happen if you let this situation go unchecked?
•
Where else in your life is this problem an issue?
•
Why is this such a big deal?
Though offering vague justifications for changing is a good start, people must personalize these
reasons in order to reach the next level in the funnel. Why? Because pain that leads to change is
almost always personal. The problem does not merely affect the person’s organization. It carries
personal consequences. The following questions can help people feel and articulate the personal
impact of not changing:
•
What is this issue costing you personally? (Note: costs often show up in more than one
arena—money, time, stress, peace of mind, reputation.)
•
How does allowing this situation to persist reflect on you as a leader (or any number of
other roles: spouse, parent, pastor, manager, Christian, provider, steward, employee,
teacher, etc.)?
•
If nothing changes, what will happen five years down the road?
•
How might this issue impact your legacy?
•
Merely acknowledging pain is not enough. People must take specific steps to address it.
Once someone quantifies the personal impact of not changing, coaches may need to offer
a final challenge. Questions like these might be appropriate: What are you prepared to do
about this problem?
•
How much longer are you willing to put up with this?
•
There’s clearly a lot at stake for you, but I’m thinking you’re not prepared to take action.
How am I wrong?
•
If it were all this simple, I’m thinking you would have done something long ago. Why
now?
•
You’ve tried to address this issue before. What is different this time?
•
Are you sure you want to move forward? “No” is an okay answer! (This is one of the few
situations where a yes-or-no question is appropriate. As that wise sage Yoda once mused:
“Do or do not. There is no try!”)
The all-important final stage in The Spiritual Pain Funnel moves the coachee from knowing the
personal impact of not changing to making a clearly stated commitment to change. It is
effectively “calling the question.” Is the person ready to make a commitment? The decision is up
to the coachee. It always is in the coaching relationship.
This moment in the coaching session is crucial. In an openly spiritual setting, the coach might
invite the client into a season of prayer. None of my clients have ever declined such an invitation.
I usually begin the prayer with a question:
“Lord, You’ve been present here in our conversation. What do You want [person’s name] to hear
from You right now? Are You calling him/her into action? If so, to what action are You calling
him/her? We’ll just wait here silently in Your presence for You to speak.”
After praying, I remain silent until the client reacts, twitches, speaks, or otherwise indicates the
Spirit has moved. The only follow up questions I ever ask are these:
•
What did you hear?
•
What are you going to do now?
Sometimes the person hears nothing initially, so we return to a time of silent waiting. As we seek
God a second time, the coachee often encounters Him powerfully. Afterward, I repeat my
questions:
•
What did you hear?
•
What are you going to do now?
•
I give the person time to respond and then we typically end the session by praying for
strength and obedience to persevere through the crisis of belief that will inevitably follow
the person’s decision to align with God’s agenda.
•
People might progress through The Spiritual Pain Funnel during multiple coaching
sessions spanning several months, or they might complete the process during a single
encounter. The principles are the same even if the client does not have a saving
relationship with Christ.
•
Let’s revisit our friend Roger—who is not a believer—to illustrate how this process
played out in his life.
•
THE SPIRITUAL PAIN FUNNEL – IN PRACTICE
•
Uncovering deep pain in Roger’s life took about eight months of coaching. During an
early session, we processed an issue involving an underperforming key executive on his
team. Dan (name has been changed) had been a high achiever, but his role had seemingly
outgrown his capabilities.
•
“It’s not a big deal, but I’ll have to let him go,” Roger said. He planned to hire a
replacement, but he would handle the role himself in the meantime. He had filled in for
people before. So Roger fired Dan. The company paid Dan severance. Roger’s workload
increased as he personally assumed management of Dan’s former team.
•
Several months later, we discussed a significant issue involving Roger’s wife (we’ll call
her Susan). She had become dependent on prescription pain medications and was not
fulfilling her responsibilities as a mother, homemaker, and wife. She and Roger put
together a plan of action. They enlisted professional therapists and counselors. Everything
was back on track, although Roger’s responsibilities at home increased.
•
Three or four months later, a new problem emerged. Roger told me the story at a
restaurant over dinner. While his company was doing great, another previously high-
performing direct report (we’ll call him Andrew) was falling apart. Roger had hired him
many years earlier and promoted him through the ranks. But now his “head just wasn’t in
the game.” As Roger discussed Andrew’s ineffectiveness at length, his tone and tenor
became increasingly agitated. Perhaps Andrew’s divorce was impacting his performance,
Roger said. Maybe something else was causing it. But the guy would have to go.
•
“Wait a minute, Roger. I’m confused,” I said. “Are we talking about Andrew or Dan?”
•
Roger responded to my feigned confusion with anger. “What do you mean? Can’t you
keep up with the story? We’re talking about Andrew. Dan’s been gone for months,” Roger
said. “I thought you were supposed to be a good coach. Perhaps I need to find a new
one.”
•
“Oh! We’re talking about me now,” I replied. “That’s good, because for a moment I
thought we were discussing Susan again.”
•
A heavy silence hung in the air as the implications of my words sunk into Roger’s mind.
He thought through each of his troubled relationships, eventually recognizing the
common denominator: himself. He was visibly shaken. After several minutes, Roger
returned his focus to me.
•
“You just blew my mind,” he blurted out, his eyes welling with tears.
•
I returned his gaze, my own eyes watery, and mouthed a single word: Sorry. Then we sat
in silence.
•
“So, what’s going on in you right now?” I asked after several minutes.
•
“I feel like I’m on the verge of seeing something clearly, but I can’t quite make it out,”
Roger said.
•
“Want some help?” I asked.
•
“Yes. That’s why you’re here!”
•
“You may not like it. Are you sure you want me to continue?”
•
Roger’s direct, bring-it-on gaze spoke louder than his words as he told me he was ready
to hear my assessment.
•
“Ok. Here’s what I see,” I told him. “I see a man who has accomplished a great deal.
More than most. You’ve emerged from difficult circumstances, and you’ve succeeded by
taking responsibility for your problems. Now I see you challenging others to own their
shortcomings as well.”
•
Roger nodded affirmatively, urging me to go on.
•
“When people don’t meet your demanding expectations, they become the problem,” I
continued. “You become increasingly demanding, causing them more stress and lowering
their performance further. The cycle continues until you eventually let them go. Each
time you do, it costs you relationships, stress, severance, and an increased workload,
because no one can do the job as well as you.”
•
From Roger’s slight wince, I knew the last phrase hit close to home.
•
“I’m sure I’m probably off on some of this,” I said. “So you tell me. What’s the real
problem here, Roger?” I asked.
•
“I think my perfectionistic tendencies are stifling everyone around me,” Roger quickly
responded. “I want to bring out the best in them, but instead they cave under the pressure
I put on them.”
•
“Well said,” I replied. “Who’s the problem then?”
•
“I guess I am,” Roger said without conviction.
•
“Of course, we know that’s ‘the right answer,’” I said, sensing I needed to challenge
Roger to make the case for himself. “All we can ever control is ourselves and our actions.
But so what! You demand a lot from people. The best bosses always do. What’s the big
deal? It’s worked well for you so far. Why change now?”
•
A long silence followed, during which Roger clearly reflected on his life circumstances,
the reasons he needed to change, and the toll his behavior was taking on his relationships.
I let the silence hang in the air for a while and then I pushed harder to help him see the
personal impact of not changing.
•
“This issue with Susan,” I said. “We’re not talking severance here. What’s this one going
to cost you?”
•
“Half of everything I own. Perhaps more. Maybe my relationship with my son.” Roger
choked out that final sentence. Then the breakdown came. He released the tears he had
held back for many years.
•
I sat with him in silence for several minutes.
•
“That’s a tall price to pay,” I finally said as he regained his composure.
•
He nodded in agreement.
•
“What would it look like if you returned from our little ‘walk off your front porch steps’
completely owning this situation like you did so many years ago?” I asked.
•
“I think I’m there now. I know I’m the problem, and I know I must change,” Roger said
firmly.
•
“Wow. Coming from you, that’s a powerful statement. How about we start there next
time?”
•
Roger agreed, and we both knew we had covered a lot of ground that evening.
•
As we left the restaurant, Roger gave me an uncharacteristic bear hug. “You never
described that crap in the coaching brochure,” he said.
•
“No, I guess I didn’t. Sorry about that.”
•
For the first eight months of our coaching relationship, Roger and I stayed in the top half
of the pain funnel. He expressed his status quo (everything is fine), some surface issues
and minor annoyances (underperforming employees), and even a few problems requiring
attention (Susan’s chemical dependency). We coached around those issues, and I helped
Roger make incrementally better decisions in each situation.
•
Then, during a single evening, we broke into the lower half of the funnel and opened the
door for Roger’s transformation as a leader. He came face to face with the core problem
he needed to address. He stated the reasons he needed to make adjustments and the
personal cost if he didn’t. He left the session knowing he needed to change. The
productivity of our future coaching sessions grew exponentially after that encounter.
•
The path to transformation is the same for both Christians and unbelievers: “Be
transformed by the renewing of your mind” (Rom. 12:2b). Spiritual leadership coaches
have the noble privilege of joining God’s activity in people’s lives.
•
Of course, coaches must create a safe environment so clients feel comfortable sharing
personal information. Many coaches fail at this task and thereby miss the opportunity to
join God’s transformative work. Creating an environment of trust takes time. In Roger’s
case, we spent eight months of foundational trust-building work before he experienced a
breakthrough.
•
But I would like to conclude this chapter by making the case that painful seasons can
expedite the process. Using a tool called vulnerability, the coach and coachee can
establish the appropriate level of trust in a single conversation.
•
Vulnerability opens people up as quickly as superiority shuts them down. As I type, I am
flying home from a speaking engagement. I spent two hours teaching a group of senior-
level business executives how to live a life of significance and purpose. In my talk, I used
an example of a personal failing I experienced when I parented my son for perfection, a
pressure I felt in my childhood home. The
•
story casts me in an unflattering light. I’ve told it hundreds of times, but it affects me
every time. It impacts the audience too. I can tell because I often notice their eyes
moisten as they listen. As a result, they connect to their story.
•
Before I left the workshop, a participant approached me. “You don’t know me from
Adam, but the story you shared really moved me,” he said. “The same thing is happening
to me with my kids, and I also sense it stems from the way I was parented.”
•
He then broke down and confessed that he was trapped in a cycle of parenting for
perfection, despite vowing he would never be like his father. In that moment of
brokenness, the man became openly coachable.
•
We quickly journeyed down the pain funnel. Hearing my story of failure prompted him to
address his own shortcomings. He clearly saw the reason to change, and he understood
the multi-generational impact of not changing.
•
“Do you want to be free?” I asked.
•
“Yes, I do,” he responded through sobs.
•
I allowed the silence to hang in the air for a few moments. “Ok. Let’s get to work.”
•
Jesus once greeted a lame man at the pool of Bethesda with a question similar to the one I
asked the hurting father (John 5:1-15). After the lame man had spent 38 years lying by
the side of the pool, Jesus asked, “Do you want to be well?” Some say a more complete
and accurate translation of this question would be, “Do you want to be all you were
created to be?” The honest answer to this question becomes apparent when people are
deeply in touch with their own pain. A superficial “yes” does not lead to transformation.
A deeply felt response coupled with commitment does.
CONCLUSION
•
When coaches join God’s work in someone’s life, they often enter that person’s pain.
Prayer should be a close companion during these seasons. Pain either drives people into
God’s arms or embitters them toward Him. Spiritual leadership coaches should be prayer
warriors on behalf of their clients.
•
A frequent source of pain is change, which often catches people by surprise. Coaches can
help their clients address that pain by empowering them to navigate the shifting seasons
of their lives.
