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Running head: PERSONAL THEORY OF FAMILY DEVELOPMENT
Personal Theory of Family Development
Lynda Burke
Liberty University
Concept Paragraph & Outline
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Abstract
What is a family considered in the 21st century? Can one definition be given to defining what all
families are? There are truly multiple situations that must be considered when defining a family?
Prior to doing research on this topic, the author had not considered the many different facets of
the family in the 21st century. Per the Urban dictionary, family means "A group of people,
usually of the same blood (but do not have to be), who genuinely love, trust, care about, and look
out for each other. Not to be mistaken with relatives sharing the same household who hate each
other" (n.d.). When you look into the different psychological areas for a definition to the family
you will get a wide range of examples. What is family is not a simple question to answer no
matter who you are in the 21st century. Research proved that when defining family one must look
at the multitude of aspects such as one's social, economic status, culture, and upbringing just to
name a few.
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Personal Theory of Family Development Concept
This paper will address the concept of family development. “Each person needs to come
to a better understanding of who he or she is” (Wright, 1977, pg 77). Without understanding who
we are and what each individual need, no one will truly be able to find happiness. “He who finds
a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord” Proverbs 18:22 (Bible Gateway).
In today's day and age, the concept of marriage and family is differed from state to state,
economic class to class, religion to religion, people according to their age, race, educational
status just to name a few things that influence the concept. “In the United States promote an
ideology of familism, the idea that family life is sacred and more important than other domains
of life” (Uecker, 2014). Family is affected by “social, cultural, and economic correlates,
precursors, and consequences of family structure and transitions” (Smock & Schwartz, 2020).
What is a family? One might ask in our ever-changing society, where one would not be
surprised to find a number of answers depending on whom they ask. The concept of family is
defined by an individual's background, social-economic status, marital status, even their level of
education. Merriam-Webster definition of family
1a : the basic unit in society traditionally consisting of two parents rearing their
children also : any of various social units differing from but regarded as
equivalent to the traditional family a single-parent family
b : spouse and children want to spend more time with my family
God's Design for the Family- “The family is the foundational institution of society
ordained by God” (n.d.). “There has never been a time when the family faced so severe a crisis
as the time in which we are now living. Many are not satisfied with remodeling; they want to tear
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things down to the foundation” (Smothers, 2020). The original concept of a family is two
heterosexual people who are married and have children or adopt children making a family.
According to the article “the term “nuclear family,” is referring to the dad-mom-children
familial unit over against the extended family, which includes grandparents, aunts and uncles,
and cousins” (Smothers, 2020). It was a concept that began in the 1950s, “a certain family ideal
became engraved in our minds: a married couple with 2.5 kids” (Smothers, 2020). The definition
of family is not the only question, people need to define, they must also look at what the roles of
their family will look like. What will be expected in terms of housekeeping, bill paying, sex,
child-rearing, religion, and retirement life? “I find significant variation in early marriage by
religious tradition, religious service attendance, religious salience, belief in scriptural inerrancy,
and religious context in high school” (Uecker, 2014). “Religion's multidimensionality” &
“socioeconomic factors and family attitudes and behaviors—understood as schemas—may
explain the association between religion and early marriage” (Uecker, 2014).
These are not simple easy questions to define or answer as one couple will address them
according to their beliefs, while another individual will define them according to his/her life, not
to mention race, sexual orientation, married or single, job, location, and age just to name a few
contributing factors. One person will have one set of ideas whereas another will have their own
concept.
One might look at getting married and having a family as what you are expected to do
after you are done with school. After all the Bible tells us in Genesis 1:28 “God blessed them and
said to them, “Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish
in the sea and the birds in the sky and over every living creature that moves on the ground”
(Bible Gateway).
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However, that concept of marriage is not the same as it was back in the 1800s. Marriage
is still reflected as an option and often a goal for many young men and women in the United
States. Most young people see marriage in their futures, and this has persisted practically
unchanged for the previous numerous decades.
Marriage is highly regarded and a goal for most men and women in the United
States. The majority of young people see marriage in their futures, and this has
remained virtually unchanged for the past several decades. Among high school
seniors in 1976, 74% expected to marry in the future. In 2014, 79% reported that
they expected to marry at some point" (Smock & Schwartz, 2010).
Young people look at marriage as a wonderous time, with many looking at their wedding
day “you had hopes for a happy, blissful union, and I believe that despite the rising divorce rate
you can still fulfill that dream – even if your marriage has started to show signs of trouble”
(Gottman & Silver, 1995, p. 17).
The Bible states in Corinthians 7:1-16 “Concerning Married Life Now for the matters
you wrote about: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” But since
sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and
each woman with her own husband. The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and
likewise the wife to her husband” (Bible Gateway).
Once two people get married, there is a time frame that is looked at as the honeymoon
phase and they are often referred to as newlyweds. The concept of newlyweds is the period of
time from when a couple first gets married through the next two years. During this honeymoon
phase the couple gets married, perhaps takes a honeymoon, and feels extremely happy and like
they are walking on the moon. “On your wedding day you had hopes for a happy, blissful union,
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and I believe that despite the rising divorce rate you can still fulfill that dream – even if your
marriage gas started to show signs of trouble” (Gottman & Silver, 1995, p. 17). However, things
do not always move smoothly during this time frame. These two individuals have moved in with
each other and when they are learning to become one with their new spouse, they may struggle
with fitting into the new relationship.
Making that shift from single status to a new role as a spouse with all the
responsibilities that go with that role can be a sobering experience. As a result, it's
hardly surprising that many married couples find the first few months or years of
marriage to be fairly rocky as the expectation of wedded bliss giving way to a
more realistic view of what married life can mean. Along with changes in living
arrangements, marriage means learning to share emotions, finances, and family
networks in a way that many newlyweds may find themselves ill-prepared to
handle. How both personality and marital satisfaction change with time may be
crucial in predicting whether a marriage will succeed or fail (Vitelli, 2018).
“When love is new, we have the rare capacity to experience great happiness even while
being stuck in traffic or getting our teeth cleaned” (Lyubomirsky, 2012). During the honeymoon
phase, both parties are loving and happy and see such a future together, with images of growing
old together and sitting on the front porch together. “We are in the throes of what researchers call
passionate love, a state of intense longing, desire, and attraction” (Lyubomirsky, 2012). Once
issues start many look back on their marriage and think there used to be passion, where has it
gone? What happened to our marriage? What will happen to our family?
When love is new, we have the rare capacity to experience great happiness even
while being stuck in traffic or getting our teeth cleaned. We are in the throes of
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what researchers call passionate love, a state of intense longing, desire, and
attraction. In time, this love generally morphs into companionate love, a less
impassioned blend of deep affection and connection. The reason is that human
beings are, as more than 100 studies show, prone to hedonic adaptation, an innate
—and measurable—capacity to become habituated or inured to most life changes,
positive or negative (Lyubomirsky, 2012).
Communication in love relationships allows for an emotional connection. When people
sense a connection to their spouse, they communicate a lot better, however, if they feel there is a
disconnect between them and their spouse, they communicate less and that communication is
poor, regardless of their communication techniques or choice of words (Stosny, 2010). The
communication does not always need to be verbal if both parties feel it. Remembering when the
little things made you feel connected to your spouse, it made you feel warm and connected to the
one you call your spouse.
When people are emotionally disconnected, the use of communication techniques
makes them feel manipulated, and not just because the most popular ones are
patently unnatural, more suited for a therapist's office than a living room. There is
almost always a hidden agenda in the use of communication techniques (Stosny,
2010).
There are a lot of reasons why marriages do not work and why communication breaks
down. The list of contributing factors is so abundant, to list even the main ones, would require an
additional article to be written.
In short, the period from 1950 to 1965 demonstrated that a stable society can be
built around nuclear families—so long as women are relegated to the household,
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nuclear families are so intertwined that they are basically extended families by
another name, and every economic and sociological condition in society is
working together to support the institution (Smothers, 2020).
When people look at getting married and what their marriage will look like, most people
are very optimistic and feel so encouraged about what their life will be after they are married.
But few look at what will happen once they get married and try to begin a new life with a person
who is very different than they are. Newlyweds may not expect the number of changes that will
be required when two people start living a life as one person. Newlyweds do not consider that
they will be “making that shift from single status to a new role as a spouse with all the
responsibilities that go with that role can be a sobering experience” (Vitelli, 2018).
Thus, it should not be surprising that countless married couples find the beginning of
their marriage to be relatively difficult to maneuver and adjust to. “They may also hold a
traditional gender role ideology that leads (especially women) to forgo the pursuit of higher
education and a career in the labor force in favor of marriage” (Uecker, 2014). Unlike when they
were looking forward to their potential married life, the wedded ecstasy must give way to what
marriage actually is, a lot of work. Marriage instead of simply being a blissful world is typically
strained due to the changes in living with your spouse. Thus, once you get married you must
learn to share your emotions and accept those of your spouse, adjust your finances because your
budget will be taking care of two people, and the addition of your new relationship with your in-
laws. “How both personality and marital satisfaction change with time may be crucial in
predicting whether a marriage will succeed or fail” (Vitelli, 2018).
Despite the fact that everything looked and felt so wonderful in the beginning, many
newlyweds are not prepared for these changes thus they may have some rocky roads ahead of
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them. Remember when all the tiny things made you feel connected to each other? According to a
number of studies “there are evolutionary, physiological, and practical reasons why passionate
love is unlikely to endure for long. If we obsessed, endlessly, about our partners and had sex with
them multiple times a day—every day—we would not be very productive at work or very
attentive to our children, our friends, or our health” (Lyubomirsky, 2012). After people have been
married for about two years, many individuals do not comprehend that there will be an ordinary
change from the once passionate love you and your spouse shared to more companionate love.
The Bible tells women in 1 Peter 3: Wives, in the same way, submit yourselves to
your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be
won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity
and reverence of your lives. Your beauty should not come from outward
adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine
clothes (Bible Gateway).
Unfortunately, some couples, get frustrated with the less passionate love and one or both
members may begin looking for a more exciting, more satisfying relationship with someone else
and they may find that challenging to resist. “Injecting variety and surprise into even the most
stable, seasoned relationship is a good hedge against such temptation” (Lyubomirsky, 2012). If
one or both people stray, the couple may end up in a divorce due to the straying. The Bible says
in Genesis 31:50 “If you mistreat my daughters or if you take any wives besides my daughters,
even though no one is with us, remember that God is a witness between you and me” (Bible
Gateway).
When a couple gets bored in their marriage, if they do not stray, they may move into a
time in their life that feels like they are simply living a life with another person in their home.
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This idea is called living parallel lives. Berry states that “although they are living together, often
they are not with each other anymore” (2011). Numerous couples live parallel lives, they are still
married and live together but they are no longer connected. “Sometimes the only real connection
they make is during an argument” (Berry, 2011). Fail to nurture their marriage connection and
allow the apparent pressures of real-life to take over, each person begins to focus more on life
and the tasks that every day provides rather than making their marriage a priority.
“For many couples stopping and simply being with their partner would be an excellent
start to repairing the relationship before it deteriorates into a parallel existence with limited, and
less than joyful, connection” (Berry, 2011). Many married couples end up getting a divorce every
year. “In addition to the emotional anguish loneliness creates, it also has devastating effects on
our mental and physical health” (Winch, 2013).
In a marriage, damaging feelings, comments, conflicts, and attitudes can hurt the
fundamental ground of the marriage. If a person in a marriage becomes lonely the likelihood of
them becoming depressed increases. It is this depression that many times can allow them to
become anxious thus they start seeing things more negatively, not just their marriage but many or
all aspects of their life.
Marital conflict has deleterious effects on mental, physical, and family health,
and three decades of research have yielded a detailed picture of the behaviors that
differentiate distressed from nondistressed couples. Marital conflict has been
linked to the onset of depressive symptoms, eating disorders, male alcoholism,
episodic drinking, binge drinking, and out-of-home drinking. Although married
individuals are healthier on average than the unmarried, marital conflict is
associated with poorer health and with specific illnesses such as cancer, cardiac
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disease, and chronic pain, perhaps because hostile behaviors during a conflict are
related to alterations in immunological, endocrine, and cardiovascular
functioning. Couples complain about sources of conflict ranging from verbal and
physical abusiveness to personal characteristics and behaviors. Perceived inequity
in a couple's division of labor is associated with marital conflict and with a
tendency for the male to withdraw in response to conflict. Conflict overpower is
also strongly related to marital dissatisfaction. Spouses' reports of conflict over
extramarital sex, problematic drinking, or drug use predict divorce, as do wives'
reports of husbands being jealous and spending money foolishly. Greater problem
severity increases the likelihood of divorce. Even though it is often not reported to
be a problem by couples, violence among newlyweds is a predictor of divorce, as
is psychological aggression (verbal aggression and nonverbal aggressive
behaviors that are not directed at the partner's body) (Fincham, n.d.).
According to Gottman & Silver, “More than half of all first marriages end in divorce.
Second marriages do worse” (1995, p. 16). Over the last several decades, nearly 50% of all
marriages ending in divorce. One might ask why are so many couple's marriages ending in a
divorce? And why should people continue to get married just to get divorced? The “vital
statistics data from state administrative records suggest that divorce rates declined from the late
1970s through the mid‐1990s, but the deteriorating quality of these data may partially account
for this” (Sassler & Lichter, 2020). Between the 1800s and the 1960s, the divorce rate was lower,
however as we approached the 1970s the United States divorce rate has consistently increased or
level out, it has not declined (Sassler & Lichter, 2020).
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Differences in marital dissolution between Black and White women, however, have
increased. Before 1920, race differences in divorce were relatively small, but they increased
substantially between the 1960s and 1990s (Bramlett & Mosher, 2002; Raley et al., 2015;
Ruggles, 1997; Sweeney & Phillips, 2004). “Estimates from the late 2000s of the lifetime
percentage of marriages that dissolve indicate that Black women's marriages are more likely to
dissolve than other women's; 63% of Black women's first marriages are estimated to dissolve
within 20 years compared with 46% of White women's, 47% of Hispanic women's, and 31% of
Asian women's” (Sassler & Lichter, 2020).
“Black churches are often considered to be more accepting of nonmarital childbearing
and to affirm and accept people as they are which could translate into acceptance of family
diversity and delayed marriage or nonmarriage among adherents” (Uecker, 2014).
Many couples complain that they cannot communicate with their spouse. Per Stosny
“some married people lose the ability to communicate so completely that droves of therapists and
self-help books insist that they must learn and constantly rehearse elaborate techniques to
understand each other” (2010). “It's misleading to say that people in intimate relationships have
communication problems at all, though it can feel that way to them in their frustration and
sadness. It is more accurate to say that lovers in distressed and unhappy relationships have
connection problems” (Stosny, 2010). “Being married offers no protection from the dangers of
loneliness: Studies indicate that roughly 20% of the general population suffers from chronic
loneliness at any given time, and in one recent study of older adults, 62.5% of people who
reported being lonely were married and living with their partner” (Winch, 2013). Thus, when a
couple stops communicating, they seem to either get depressed and end up living a parallel life
with their spouse or fight and ultimately ending up getting a divorce.
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Loneliness distorts how we see other people and makes us devalue our
relationships. We perceive others as less caring, less interested, and less
committed than they actually are, and we judge our relationships to be weaker and
less satisfying than they may really be. In an effort to protect ourselves from even
further emotional hurt, we become hyper-alert to any signs of rejection from
others and more apt to miss signs of acceptance. As a result—and often without
realizing we're doing it—we become overly defensive and come across to others
as detached, aloof, or even hostile, which only pushes them further away (Winch,
2013).
When negative thoughts take over one or both partners in a marriage, isolation become a
larger part of the marriage. Stosny states that a couple “must convey that they love and value”
their spouse, without showing that your spouse matters to you the marriage has no chance to
grow. “Anything short of this devalues the connection” (2010).
People begin to fight and rebuff their partner not because they cannot communicate but,
“they fight and shut down because they feel the like their partners don't care or aren't interested
in how they feel” (Stosny, 2010). Once they begin to fight, couples then begin to close down and
emotionally separate themselves from their partner to try and numb the agony of the emotional
detachment. Being disconnected from their spouse is basically the same as shutting down their
emotions. “Attunement cannot exist in a state of emotional reactivity” (Stosny, 2010), “it is
extremely difficult to regulate emotional reactivity with words, even when there is no hidden
motivation to convey that the other is failing or defective.”
When a couple feels they can no longer communicate, when they feel their partner does
not listen to their needs or their wants or both, the couple may choose to dissolve their marriage.
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Not every couple should stay married, but at nearly 2/3 of all first marriages here in the United
States end in divorce, many are failing to protect and nurture their marriage. This is the person
that you had intended to spend your entire life with, you thought you would grow old with yet
now you feel at the end of your rope.
And yet this is the person you loved so deeply when you got married, the person
you sincerely meant to stick with through the joys and hardships of life. But
despite your best wishes, there are moments when it seems impossible (Gottman
& Silver, 1995, p. 14).
In today's day and age, fewer young people are getting married than in the past. Many
young adults are choosing to cohabitate rather than get married and take the chance of getting a
divorce. “Declines in divorce among young adults are largely responsible for recent declines in
divorce rates. The divorce rate among younger adults declined between 1990 and 2010 and has
continued to decline since then” (Sassler & Lichter, 2020). Some think that the reason for this
decline is the increase in cohabitation which has led to the decline in marriages of these young
people. “Relationship quality was highest among married couples who did not cohabit first, and
lowest among cohabiters without specific plans to marry” (Sassler & Lichter, 2020).
Uecker states that cohabitation among young adults has increased as it has become more
socially acceptable in the last decade (2014). “The 1987 to 1988 National Survey of Families and
Households, Bumpass discussed shifts in family life. He wrote of the rise in divorce, the growth
of cohabitation, and increases in nonmarital childbearing” (Smock & Schwartz, 2020). Changes
in what is considered a family has changed how we look at a family while the disconnect
between families and households continue to change. The trends are leaning towards young
people cohabitation, divorce, re-partnering, and having a child out of wedlock. “Normative
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transitions are common experiences across the family life cycle, and the transition to parenthood
is clearly one that requires considerable adjustment” (Volling, Oh, Gonzalez, Kuo, & Yu, 2015)
“The longitudinal research on marital change across the transition to parenthood finds declines in
marital quality, on average, but there is also considerable variation among couples.”
The rise of nonmarital childbearing and family instability is also linked to an increase in
multiple‐partner fertility (MPF), which is defined as having children with more than one partner.
MPF existed in the past—6% of White married couples experienced MPF in 1955 (Zobl &
Smock, 2015)—but it has increased markedly and is now less associated with marital fertility
within stepfamilies and more associated with nonmarital fertility (Stykes & Guzzo, 2019).
Among parents, recent estimates of MPF generally fall in the 14% to 25% range depending on
the data source and age restrictions (Guzzo, 2014; Monte, 2019; Scott, Peterson, Ikramullah, &
Manlove, 2013; Stykes & Guzzo, 2019). Among unmarried parents, the estimates are
substantially higher (Cancian, Meyer, & Cook, 2011; Fomby & Osborne, 2017; Guzzo, 2014).
Monte (2019) provided national prevalence estimates and reported that in cohabiting families
with children, MPF is 43.6%. MPF is also more common among socioeconomically
disadvantaged men and women, those who had their first births at young ages, and in populations
and contexts where union dissolution rates are high (Carlson & Furstenberg, 2006; Monte, 2019;
(Sassler & Lichter, 2020). Thomson, Lappegard, Carlson, Evans, & Gray, 2014). There is also
evidence that MPF has increased in the recent past and will continue to increase into the future
given that younger cohorts of men and women are transitioning into MPF sooner than older
cohorts (Smock & Schwartz, 2020).
Many families are no longer living in the same household, with the dad living in one
household, and the mother and children living in another house. “Serial cohabitation has
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increased in the United States and Europe” (Sassler & Lichter, 2020). More fathers and children
live apart today than in our history. “Despite a rapidly changing social landscape in the past
decade, particularly with respect to the aftermath of the Great Recession, these themes have
remained central to the study of the family” (Smock & Schwartz, 2020). “About 60% of births
during the past decades were to married women, although the proportions experiencing births
outside of marital unions varies widely by race and ethnicity” (Sassler & Lichter, 2020).
The more religious young adults are, the less likely they are to agree to live with an
intimate partner outside of marriage (Uecker, 2014). When an individual has a strong religious
background, their religious upbringing may influence when they get married, if they cohabitate
or if they have premarital sex. “Mormons and young adults with higher levels of religiosity are
less likely to have premarital sex if proscriptions against sex outside of marriage lead young
adults to marry, those who do not have premarital sex may be more likely to marry early”
(Uecker, 2014).
In the United States, it was universally looked down upon to have premarital sex or
cohabitation, however, more and more young adults are still moving towards cohabitation
(Uecker, 2014). As more parents get divorced, and more people are having children in cohabiting
relationships or all on their own and enter new marriages or cohabiting relationships" (Sassler &
Lichter, 2020). Smothers states that the United States would be a lot better off if it returned to the
1970's marriage rates. If the United States returned to the previous marriage rates, then poverty,
especially among children, would be about 20% lower than it currently is. Many of the upper-
class Americans get married to help contribute to them staying in the upper-class groups.
Whereas if you are in the lower class, Smothers states your best chance to get out of the
poverty you were born into is for your parents to stay married, whereas if you were raised only
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by your mother you have a lot lower chance of ever getting out of the poverty life you were born
into (2020).
Statistics show that in 2016, only about 60% of children live in a two‐biological parent
married household. While about 3% of children live in two-parent biological cohabitating
parents, 9% live with one biological parent and one stepparent, while a whopping 24% live with
one biological parent only. When looking at the 9% of children who are living with a stepparent,
55% are living with one biological parent and their married spouse, whereas the other 45% are
only cohabitating. Of the 24% who are living with one biological parent, that parent is typically
the mother (Sassler & Lichter, 2020).
“Premarital cohabitation is now common for young adults” (Uecker, 2014). Over the last
decade, premarital cohabitation has become more socially acceptable and considered ordinary
and less selective, thus prompting research to has reexamined the cohabitation–divorce linkage.
“Panel data and new methodological tools can better discern whether the cohabitation–divorce
association is the result of selection of the most divorce‐prone couples into cohabitation (and,
subsequently, marriage) or if there is something about the cohabitation experience itself that
destabilizes marriage” (Sassler & Lichter, 2020). Just because a couple cohabited successfully,
does not predict the accomplishment of their marriage. It has been looked at and considered that
those who intend to marry after living together have a better chance of remaining (Sassler &
Lichter, 2020).
When looking at family one must also consider same-sex marriages. In 2015, the
Supreme Court made a milestone ruling that changed marriage forever. Prior to the Supreme
Court ruling, only a man and a woman could legally get married, however with the milestone
ruling the Supreme Court legally allowed same-sex marriage in all of the 50 of the United States.
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Once the Supreme Court legalized same-sex marriage nearly 500,000 same-sex couples were
married (U.S. Census Bureau, 2016), with another nearly 400,000 same-sex couples living
together. Typically, same-sex couples have higher educations and higher medium incomes than
their heterosexual counter partners. Part of the reason same-sex couples may earn more than
heterosexual couples is that typically both parties work in a same-sex marriage, whereas many
mothers stay home with their children in heterosexual couples (U.S. Census Bureau, 2017).
What is a family? What makes a family? This concept has changed significantly over the
last century. No longer is a family considered, a married man and women along with their
biological children. We cannot simply provide an answer that would meet all of the situations we
have in our world. As written in this article, families can look significantly different from one
household to another: some families are a traditional husband and wife along with their
biological children, while others are a husband and wife with adopted children, some others
include step-parent half-siblings and/or step-siblings, while others are only cohabitating instead
of being married, and even others are same-sex couples with or without children. To define what
a family is in the 21 Century is not as simple as it was in 1800.
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