Running head: 4-MAT PAPER 1
4-MAT Paper
Beverly Johnson
DBFA 610 - B01 - LUO
May 26. 2019
Liberty University
Summary
4-MAT PAPER 2
Dr. Hart’s text book,” Helping Children Survive Divorce” Explains how divorce affects
children in different ways. This text book is to help parents to understand better about the effect
that divorce has on their children. Each chapter gives you several detailed ways to possibly be
able to help the parents that are going through or have gone through a divorce to possibly assist
them in creating a better and healthy life for their children. Hart (1997) text book also lists six
stages of the feelings that a child may experience. These different feelings such might consist of
fear, anxiety, rejection, loneliness, or feeling abandoned, sadness; frustration and anger; rejection
and resentment, and the feeling of not being able to trust anyone especially their parents for the
fact they feel their parents have already let them down,. Children are vulnerable and they easily
get their feelings hurt, especially when they are placed in the midst of a broken family and their
parents are separating and going through a divorce or have already divorced. Some children are
sometimes left so traumatized with the fact that their parents will no longer be together. In some
cases they are left traumatized over this from a child through adulthood. The effects of their
parents getting divorced can often make them feel like they have lost a loved one forever.
Children suffer from feelings of loss, insecurity, feeling alone, and fear of not knowing what the
next step is or what is going to happen next. Their lives are disrupted and torn apart to which
may also lead to depression in most adolescents. Some children react differently and become
angry and resentful against one or both of the parents, often blaming one or both of them for the
reason of the divorce and become closed up.
Concrete Response
4-MAT PAPER 3
I can honestly say that personally I have not experienced divorce with myself or among
my parents. Now I have been married and experienced separation from my husband. Within our
marriage we had children together so yes it not only affected us but also our children, I can
remember how bad it has been on our children and still is up to this day. Now the situation that I
was in was I had left my husband but honestly it was not planned. My husband and I were
married for ten years, but after the fifth year it went downhill, he was staying out, drinking a
great deal, using drugs, and possibly seeing other women. I loved my husband but when he drank
he was abusive and I took many beatings from him. My children had witnessed these beatings,
but I chose to stay with him because I felt it was the right thing to do and religiously being a
Catholic it was not approved in our church to separate from a spouse and leave a marriage, the
belief was that once man and wife thy shall stay together through matrimony for eternity until
death do us part. But the abuse physically and mentally got so bad that I had left for another state
to go to my grandmother’s funeral and never went back. This took a really bad impact on our
children especially since I had left. I left my children in hopes to get them once I was able to, but
this did not happen due to being so scared of their father and him constantly threatening me so I
was scared to go back to that state but I knew my children were safe. So my children were not
only hurt but also held a lot of resentment and anger towards me for abandoning them, they felt
alone and that I did not love them, they were deeply hurt and this pain and resentment lingered
on straight up to now. They resented me so much they would not speak to me for a very long
time but now that they are a little older they understand a little why I left and could not take them
with me because I only had enough money for one ticket that was being paid for by someone
else. All understand except for the youngest why this happened and why I did not I did not take
them. Currently besides having this hurt and resentment they are having a hard time excepting
4-MAT PAPER 4
my new husband to be for the reason they believe I should only be with their father. According to
Dr.A.Hart (1997) Helping a child develop a good relationship is further complicated when the
absent parent moves away from a hometown (pp.150).
Reflection
Helping Children Survive Divorce “What to Expect; How to Help” Dr. A.Hart (1997) text
book has helped me to better understand the feelings my children were and are having. They had
felt they had a huge loss with me being gone and they were not only angry but hurt and felt I did
not care about them or love them and for this reason they became angry and resented me because
they felt I should of never abandoned them and should of stayed together with their father and
been a family. Even though they seen me hurting and that me and their father had fought all the
time, in their eyes we were their parents and we both should be there for them and remain
together as a family. So their hurt turned into anger and resentment and they would lash out on
me because of these feelings inside of them. They blamed me because I was the one that left and
their father was there by their sides. I feel the book has made me question my judgement and ask
myself what if I had done this differently. It has me trying to maybe seek more information on
the best way to break everything down to my children and explain it all no matter how difficult it
is and in a way that does not hurt them further or have them resent their dad because he is no
longer with us he passed away. But I loved reading this book the different steps of anger, the
description on depression and the ex-spouse and further complications. I agree with what Dr.Hart
(1997) had addressed that adjusting to life between two homes is difficult and also confusing
(pp.151).
4-MAT PAPER 5
Application
Dr. Hart’s (1997) book influences me to stress the fact that it is essential that parents are able to
help their child/children adjust to the stages of change. “There is much that divorcing/separated
parents can do to prevent damage to their children. And preserve them for a rich and meaningful
life (Hart, 1997)”. Parents must be able to effectively communicate, be honest, give explanations,
and help rebuild the security of the child children. Helping Children Survive Divorce gives a
well detailed plan on helping and guiding their children not only survive but prosper after
dealing with the trauma of their parent’s divorce or separation. I am going to try to understand
my children’s feeling better and try to communicate with them in a better form. I have to set my
feelings of what I went through aside and understand them more and what had brought them to
the feelings they have. Try to ensure them that I do love them and that sometimes in life mistakes
are made and that sometimes even when someone does something like I left don’t mean I do not
love them.
4-MAT PAPER 6
Reference
Hart, A. D. (1996). Helping Children Survive Divorce. Nashville: Thomas Nelson
