The FREE method consists of 4 steps, but also has multiple interventions
based on the couple’s individual needs. The four steps in the FREE method
that come before any intervention are deciding as a couple whether or not to
reconcile and how, discussing both wrongdoings and confessions, removing
relationship poisons, and committing to embrace love and positivity in the
relationship (Ripley & Worthington, 2014). Within this framework, three major
themes of forgiveness are explored, “REACH forgiveness, stress-and-coping
theory of forgiveness, and emotional replacement hypothesis” (Ripley &
Worthington, 2014). When the interventions are explained, they touch on
which theme of forgiveness it is working within.
One aspect that I appreciate about this model is the various interventions
that it provides. Counseling is not one- size-fits-all and must be molded
intentionally for each couple. For example, I can imagine my husband
scoffing at the counselor who asked him to write an apology letter, as
described in FREE Intervention 21-3 (Ripley & Worthington, 2014). My
husband is a good man, but he is not a writer, he is not feelings driven, he is
a clear-cut, logic-driven, lets-solve-this-now, black-and-white kind of person
(enneagram 8 for those who are familiar). He would most likely benefit most
from the FREE Intervention 21-5 which focuses on reducing the injustice gap
(Ripley & Worthington, 2014). Even though he would not do well with the
apology letter, other couples might.
I believe of these interventions listed the most powerful one is FREE
Intervention 21-6: Forgiving the self. This may be dismissed as an easy task,
however, to forgive requires admitting wrongdoing and taking responsibility
for those wrongdoings (Ruffing, Moon, Krier, et. al., 2017). Ripley &
Worthington (2014) reinforce this belief by requiring a preliminary step of
recognizing and admitting failure. It seems like in our current culture there is
no failure. We live in an Instagram world where we only boast our successes.
On a personal level, anyone with the slightest self-critical tendencies would
feel alone and inept in failure. On a relational level, not admitting
wrongdoing leads to a lack of humility and could breed resentment in
relationships. Furthermore, if one individual is unwilling to admit their
wrongdoings, how could they expect their partner to? But as Ripley &
Worthington (2014) explain in the preliminary stage, failure is inevitable and
can be used as a tool for growth. This alone gives many people a starting
point that could take weeks if not months to overcome. It requires changing
neuropathways and thought patterns. It requires self-awareness, and
honestly, a little self-monitored cognitive behavioral therapy. I would
speculate that this preliminary step is not necessarily mastered before
moving onto step one, but rather works in tandem with the rest of the steps
as it is something that is likely deep-rooted and will have to be addressed
repeatedly. The first (official) step of this intervention is to receive God’s
forgiveness (Ripley & Worthington, 2014). Of course, this intervention is
contingent upon the clients’ beliefs and desires for incorporating Christ into
counseling, but let’s assume they are on board. Again, we realize that this
step requires admitting faults and failures to God. Admittance requires
humility. Maybe a wife has a hard time admitting that they are wrong or that
she failed to their husband. Dealing with the failures first between just she
and God can welcome humility to then admit wrongdoings to her husband.
The second step requires repairing any social consequences that may have
occurred. This may or may not be applicable depending on the situation, but
it allows the offender to realize that his or her actions expanded the couple’s
relationship. This allows trust to be restored for the couple, and says “I’ve
got your back, I will honor you and make this right.” The third step is where a
little more cognitive behavioral therapy comes into play. Here, the offender is
encouraged to “rethink ruminations” (Ripley & Worthington, 2014). I
wholeheartedly believe what you tell yourself, you begin to believe, and
when you believe something you act upon those beliefs. This applies to the
offender or the offended. If a spouse makes a mistake and consistently
criticizes his or herself, then she may begin to believe those critical
statements. Not only could this lead to lowered self-efficacy, but in more
extreme cases it could lead to anxiety and depression. She could begin to
live and respond to her husband with a critical view of herself. Step four
enters into one of the themes which is REACH forgiveness (Ripley &
Worthington, 2014). From here the client who committed the wrongdoing
pursues self-forgiveness and resolves to live virtuously. Pursuing and
resolving are verbs requiring effort and worth. To pursue and resolve are not
merely mental check points that require little effort. To pursue implies
changing action and being self-aware. To resolve is a commitment, to the
partner in the relationship, to the self, and maybe also to God.
References:
Ruffing E.G., Moon S.H., Krier J., Paine D.R., Wolff E., Sandage S.J. (2017) Self-
Forgiveness in Couple and Family Therapy. In: Woodyatt L., Worthington, Jr.
E., Wenzel M., Griffin B. (eds) Handbook of the Psychology of Self-
Forgiveness. Springer, Cham. https://doi.org/10.1007/978-3-319-60573-
9_14 Links to an external site .
Ripley, Jennifer S. & Worthington, Everett L. (2014). Couple Therapy: A New
Hope-Focused Approach. Intervarsity Press. Downers Grove: IL.
