PERONSAL CONFLICT PROJECT 2
1. Describe the material issues in this conflict.
The material issues in this conflict revolve around accountability. If my Pastor and my
friend are not held accountable for their leadership and decisions, then the silence on my
end stands for implied consent. His choices are trickling down and beginning to impact
my family and me directly, along with my other friends. My Pastor should remain to the
highest expectations and accountability and be able to understand where I am coming
from despite having a friendship with one another.1Instead of helping restore our brother
from the path he is walking on, their actions are addressed as "handle with grace," and
those whom these men surround end up suffering collateral damage.1
2. Describe the personal issues or offenses in this conflict.
The personal issue in this conflict is that my friend1is failing1to address the direct
problems brought to the table through a Biblical pathway. The responsibility of his role
is to lead the Lord's flock according to the word of God, but within that responsibility,
there is a calling to balance the boundaries of friendships. The scripture reminds us,
"Brothers1and sisters, even if a person1is caught1in any wrongdoing, you who
are1spiritual are to1restore such a person1in a spirit of gentleness;1each one1looking
to1yourself,1so that you1are not tempted1as well (New American Standard Version,
1960/2020, Galatians 6:1). His friendship is causing a blind spot in the decision-making
process, and offenses have been made and not addressed.
3. Write down everything you can think of that is noble, right, or admirable about the other
person in this dispute, including good memories or ways God has blessed you through
that person.
My friend, our Pastor, is a man I admire; he is a Godly man who walks so close to the
Lord. My family and I are blessed to sit under his teaching and to learn how to grow as a
disciple of Jesus. He is a man who emulates how to walk as a Godly husband and serve
as a father. He has been instrumental in my walk with the Lord, which started at 31 and
was shaky until 39. The Lord had used him through my relationship and marriage, and
there were, unfortunately, some dark times early in our marriage due to my troubles,
through our most challenging times in my ruts of sin, and our saddest moments when my
wife miscarried. He was there to walk us through the1next1pregnancy, which we were
anxious about and has been so important. Our one son's name is Joshua Gary, named
after him. He has challenged me in my walk, helped me through my second graduate
program at Liberty for Pastoral Studies, and guided me as the Lord has raised me.
4. What rights, legally or morally, do you have in this situation?
This conflict is a moral obligation. When I think of the word of God, I think of the
Gospel of Mathew: "Now1if your brother sins, go and1show him his fault1in private; if he
listens to you, you have gained your brother (New American Standard Version,
PERONSAL CONFLICT PROJECT 3
1960/2020, Matthew 18:15). This scripture speaks to the point that I believe morally I
must speak to him in private in hopes that he listens to me as one not just his friend but
as his ministry leader. I have the right to morally feel as though I am serving the Lord
under the proper authority of guidance, and morally, it is a personal conflict if there is an
incongruence between the Word of God and the application of the scripture.1
5. Which of the personal issues or offenses described can you simply overlook? Which of
the material issues described can you simply give in on?
The personal issues I can overlook are the decisions made that do not go against the
word of God. Those decisions are ones that I may disagree with and may find strong
reasons to oppose but are not reasons to have a personal conflict with; those decisions
are much easier to overlook as there is no basis for me to be able to hold firm on such an
offense as it is only according to my standard or expectation.
6. Which listening skills do you have a hard time with: waiting, attending, clarifying,
reflecting, or agreeing? Write down some things you will do or say to overcome these
weaknesses.
Waiting, at times, can be the listening skill I struggle with the most. I catch myself not
giving enough time for a person to finish what they are saying or not sure if their pause
is the end of their part of the conversation. Therefore, I often wind up jumping in when
the other person is speaking, and it interrupts the conversation. To help this part of
communication, I pause for three seconds when someone stops1speaking1to ensure the
individual is no longer speaking. This pause has helped break the conversation and give
me a good point of reference to start up; it also helps prevent me from interrupting the
speaking individual.
Secondly, attending can be another weakness of mine when it comes to listening. At
times, my mind can begin to wander off, or my ability to keep my hands and legs still
becomes difficult; I become hyperactive. I continue to work on using more active
listening, which allows me to become more engaged and requires me to be attentive to
the conversation. Attentive listening helps me concentrate on the context of the
conversation and takes my mind off of my hyperactive behaviors.
7. How can you show that you are trying to believe the best about the other person (i.e.,
making charitable judgments)?
The best way to show him that I believe the best in him is to follow the scripture as a
ministry leader: "Every1person is to be1subject to the governing authorities. For1there is
no authority except1from God, and those which exist1are established1by God (New
American Standard Version, 1960/2020, Romans 13:1). I believe that by still submitting
to his leadership role, I will demonstrate that I trust in his leadership. As his friend, I can
help show him by continuing to ask him how I can support him, have conversations with
him, problem-solve with him, and, most importantly, continue to pray for him.
PERONSAL CONFLICT PROJECT 4
8. Which worldly weapons have you been using, or are you tempted to use, in this
situation?
The worldly weapon that I have used, unfortunately, has been avoidance. It has been a
tricky balance between having a difficult conversation with a friend/Pastor. There have
been times when I have just taken a Wednesday night service off, and I have not gone to
a meeting if I knew I had to work late because I was just so frustrated with what was
going on with him yet having trouble expressing it. What I found that to do was cause
resentment with him on my end, not him with me. I began to wonder if this conflict
would cause me to change churches. Had it gone that deep, the solution was to leave, but
God has not revealed that yet, so I would have erred in Godly direction rather than
worldly weapons.
9. Have you been using your tongue to bless your opponents or to speak critically of them?
How could you breathe grace to them in the days ahead?
I have not been speaking life to my friend all the time. I have been caught up with
another friend in the same mindset, often discussing these issues. It's not that I talk
slander, but anything that is not uplifting and wholesome is speaking critically. I usually
forget the responsibility and calling that he has in his life. When I think about what it
looks like in my seat as the VP, I can only imagine what it feels like in his as he takes it
on as the Pastor and often deals with individuals who are friends. The best way I can
breathe grace into them is by allowing the Holy Spirit to guard my mind off things, not
of the Lord, and search my heart for things I need to repent from in my life. My prayers
will breathe life into him much more than my critical thoughts.
10. To whom can you turn for godly advice and encouragement?
I have two brothers who walk with the Lord that I turn to for advice. These brothers
have walked with me through some of the most1difficult1times in my walk. These men
have been with me as I navigated through this tough time and were able to tell that I
have been carrying a burden on my shoulders. I have been able to discuss all parts of life
with them and even go through this conflict issue with them.
These brothers have been able to encourage me by using the scripture and pointing me
in ways that are Biblical and not trying to appease my flesh. These men have helped
redirect me when I1am not aligned1with the word and when I am seeing things from a
selfish perspective. I appreciate that I have men I can go to when I have good1days1and
better days; I try not to see bad days, but most of all, they will walk through tough days
and encourage me in the Lord.
PERONSAL CONFLICT PROJECT 5
11. What can you keep on doing in this situation that is right?
The most important thing I can keep doing is praying for guidance from the Lord. I must
remember not to lean on my emotions or feelings, "Trust in the1Lord1with all your heart,
And1do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways,1acknowledge Him, And
He will1make your paths straight (New American Standard Version, 1960/2020,
Proverbs 3:5-6 Romans). When I allow my feelings or what I think is right to take
priority, the conflict often will escalate, not de-escalate, because all too often, pride and
the sense of wanting what I think is best can get in the way. Secondly, I believe honesty
and open communication will make this situation right. Avoiding it only delays the
conflict and causes more frustration to develop. Open conversation and laying
everything on the table will need to continue to help resolve the conflict. Furthermore, I
can continue to serve in my current role as a ministry leader and continue to make sure I
am at service to be fed the word of God in fellowship. I can stop avoiding situations and
encounters with Pastor Gary because of the conflict that is currently taking place.
12. Would it be wiser to communicate in person, on the phone, or by means of a letter?
Why?
The best way to communicate is in person. In person, it is better to have a chance to look
at the person and exchange conversations face to face, and you can also have an
opportunity to interpret the body language of someone. There is an excellent personal
connection when you meet in person versus trying to reach someone on the phone or by
letter. Often, there are distractions on the phone, especially for me; my children are
noisy or trying to grab my attention. Again, sending a letter does not allow for a fluid
conversation and relies on a delayed response. In-person allows immediate conversation
and sets a time and place that helps eliminate the obstacles that hinder these other
communication means.
13. Clearly articulate your plan for resolving this dispute over the next two weeks.
In the next two weeks, I plan to set an appointment for lunch with Pastor Gary at the
office. Keeping it in a formal setting will help set the professional intent of the overall
purpose of the meeting. I will explain the conflict I am struggling through with him, and
the impact on me as not just a leader at the church but as a follower of Christ trying to
lead his family the right way. If he is unwilling to hear what I am saying and disagrees
biblically with the concerns, I will further attempt to go with another brother to address
these issues. I will use this meeting to have a chance to explain why this is a conflict for
me and why the conflict resides with him.1I will also be prepared to explain the steps I
will need to take if I am unable to resolve these conflicts moving forward from the set
meeting.
