Running head: BOOK CRITIQUE; THE GIFT OF SEX
Book Critique
The Gift of Sex: A Guide to Sexual Fulfillment
Joshua D Brown
CCOU 305-D02
Running head: BOOK CRITIQUE; THE GIFT OF SEX
Abstract
Like almost every subject one may encounter within their lifetime, there are a wide
variety of beliefs and opinions on the topic of sex and while one may almost certainly
never run out of new “information” with which to further and confuse their sinful nature,
this virtual cornucopia of misinformation and uneducated rhetoric is very seldom backed
up by anything remotely resembling factual information. It is therefor, easy to
understand how and why the question of sex as it relates to Christian beliefs can become
even more confusing. In this paper, I will discuss and critique Clifford and Joyce
Penner’s best-selling book, The Gift of Sex. The Penners sought to bring a deeper
understanding to the subject and make that picture a lot clearer while explaining in great
detail exactly what this amazing gift given to us by God is meant to be. Primarily
focusing upon couples joined in covenant with one another and God, the Christian single
will also find relevant knowledge within the pages of this book.
Running head: BOOK CRITIQUE; THE GIFT OF SEX
INTRODUCTION
In The Gift of Sex, the Penners seek to give a firm understanding of the role of the
individual in the sexual experience shared between a man and wife. They share with us
how to understand our own personal sexuality and the circumstances behind it.
Throughout life, many situations occur which can and do shape how we view and feel
about things…our sexuality is no different. This book seeks to help us identify the
reasons we feel as we do in reference to all things pertaining to our sexuality; our
feelings, our image of self, our feelings toward members of the other gender, and how all
this comes together to form our overall attitude towards sex and sexuality in general.
Through all of this, the Penners aim to educate the reader on this precious gift from God
and allow them to enjoy it with their spouse in the way that God intended it.
A BIBLICAL PERSPECTIVE
In the beginning, God made Adam. Realizing that Adam was alone and needed a
partner, God then took a rib from Adam and made him a perfect companion and she was
called Eve. The Penners tell us that sexual intimacy was included in this perfect time
before sin entered the world and that it was a perfect and beautiful part of God’s plan for
us and that we, as a couple in covenant with God, were meant to become one flesh not
only in body but also in reflection of God’s relationship with us (Penner C. & Penner J.,
2003). Using the same reference that the Penners used to support this claim, Genesis
2:24-25 tells us that;
24This is why a man leaves his father and mother and bonds with his wife, and
they become one flesh. 25Both the man and his wife were naked, yet felt no shame.
Running head: BOOK CRITIQUE; THE GIFT OF SEX
This tells us that in the beginning, there was no shame…no embarrassment
between husband and wife. They were as an open book not only to one another but also
to God. This allowed them to use the gift of sexual intimacy as a mirror of the intimacy
God desired to have with them.
Then it all fell apart. We all know the story of Eve’s temptation by the serpent
and the subsequent temptation of Adam by Eve. We all know that this is when God’s
perfect creations became flawed and sin entered the world. What we may know have
realized was that when this happened and the relationship between God and His children
was damaged, so was the relationship between Adam and Eve damaged. The Penners tell
us that never again would Adam and Even achieve that perfect intimacy with one another
or with God again…it would never again be like it was in the Garden of Eden (Penner C.
& Penner J., 2003). In Genesis 3:7 we learn;
7Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they knew they were naked; so
they sewed fig leaves together and made loincloths for themselves.
So here we have the proof that shame had entered the game and things were no
longer going to be the same. Now, it is imperative to add at this juncture, God still loved
Adam and Eve and they loved Him but the perfection of that love as well as their love for
one another were permanently altered (Penner C. & Penner J., 2003).
I can find precious little to argue with the Penners about in their interpretation of
the Biblical foundation for intimacy, either before or after the fall. In fact, I believe the
provided adequate and Biblically supported evidence that not only was this gift given to
us before the fall but that it remained afterwards…albeit harder to achieve.
Running head: BOOK CRITIQUE; THE GIFT OF SEX
THE PHYSICAL DIMENSION
The year is 2016 and sex sells, especially in the United States. As a result of this,
the media has been allowed to dictate what is considered beautiful and has set completely
unrealistic goals that many people feel they need to meet if they are to be considered
beautiful, or even just to not be considered ugly. This negative view of self is a major
factor how we react to others, especially in matters of sexuality and sexual interaction
(Penner C. & Penner J., 2003).
We typically view women as those who suffer the most from negative self-image,
low self-esteem, and unrealistic views on what they should look and act like. While that
is certainly a common occurrence, and one which can lead to sexual dysfunction and
inability to achieve an orgasm, it is not just a problem for the female gender. Men also
have unrealistic views on what it means to be a man. We hear many stories of this guy or
that guy and how large their penis is and then, if ours is not up to that standard, we feel
less masculine…less manly. This can easily lead to insecurity both in getting naked in
front of women as well as our ability to please them sexually and can even cause
difficulties attaining and maintaining an erection (Penner C. & Penner J., 2003).
The Penners tells us that there are a few different ways that we come by our self-
image as it pertains to our body. These are sensory experiences that we experience
during our childhood, the things that people we consider important say to us while
growing up and the people we compare ourselves to (Penner C. & Penner J., 2003). They
go on to tell us that problems begin to arise when we see major differences between how
we feel we look and what we think we should look like…usually based on those media
Running head: BOOK CRITIQUE; THE GIFT OF SEX
perpetrated unrealistic expectations of beauty discussed earlier (Penner C. & Penner J.,
2003).
They tell us to begin to resolve these issues, one must begin by determining
exactly how they view themselves and if this is how others view them or if it is a holdout
from an earlier time in their life or even the result of misinformation and unrealistic
expectations (Penner C. & Penner J., 2003). They must next decide in what ways they
can make changes to their bodies or features which will have positive outcomes to their
self-image. Things like using different make-up or applying it differently (for women),
exercise and a healthier diet to lose weight, grow a mustache or beard…or shave off a
mustache or beard (for men), and haircuts or new hairstyles can make a world of
difference (Penner C. & Penner J., 2003). The final step is to reevaluate the measuring
stick you are using to judge your beauty. Are the people you compare yourself to movie
stars, musicians or models? Are they involved in more morally corrupt sources such as
strippers or porn stars? If the answer to these questions are yes, you must come to the
realization that people in these fields are seldom chosen for their talent and more often
because they fit the corrupt and unrealistic view set out by the media…they are the
exceptions, not the rule (Penner C. & Penner J., 2003).
In the next chapter, the Penners list several exercises which will allow a couple to
aide one another in overcoming any unhealthy or unrealistic ideas they may have
concerning their body image and learn to appreciate their own bodies as well as each
other’s.
Carrying over into the next few chapters, in which the Penners describe our
bodies, with specific attention on our sexual organs, we are given great detail over each
Running head: BOOK CRITIQUE; THE GIFT OF SEX
part, what it does, why it does it and how it should feel. We are given additional
exercises which allow and, in fact, encourage getting to know our body and the body of
our spouse. They also make room to allow for dialogue between the man and wife on
what works and what doesn’t so that they can enjoy this gift to the fullest extent.
Again, I can find little to nothing wrong with the Penners take on the physical
dimension. Their views on the importance of body image and how to overcome negative
self-image were spot on and in fact, I already used several of these techniques to help
clients of mine overcome their negative self-images and feelings of inadequacy or
worthlessness. I have a deep appreciation for their inclusion of clinical studies and
documentation to back up their explanations of the sexual experience.
THE TOTAL EXPERIENCE
In the next section of the book, The Total Experience, the Penners teach us about
the whole enchilada…who knew it wasn’t just about the actual act of sex! Here we learn
about the various ways that men and women become aroused. Each of us have certain
stimuli, or triggers, that get our motor running. The trick is to learn to identify them, not
only ours but also those of our spouse! By doing this, we become able to use them to our
advantage and intentionally set the vibe (Penner C. & Penner J., 2003).
Equally, if not more so, important to the intimate relationship between man and
wife is being able to spend quality time with one another with no expectation of sex. The
Penners tell us that couples need to have time specifically set aside for just such times…
events that allow the couple to enjoy one another on an emotional level, an intellectual
level, and/or a spiritual level will ensure that sexual intimacy occurs naturally whenever
the appropriate opportunity rears its head (Penner C. & Penner J., 2003).
Running head: BOOK CRITIQUE; THE GIFT OF SEX
Did you know that creativity and the energy it consumes results in an energy
deficit for sexual encounters? The Penners do! They state that often times, one member
of the couple or the others (or sometimes both) will have expended too much energy
creatively on various independent projects and will deplete this energy from their sex
drive and overall sexual creativity (Penner C. & Penner J., 2003). Following along with
that creative them, they also stress the importance of maintaining a level of fun in their
relationship. We forget that just because we are married doesn’t mean we should stop
dating and courting one another. The Penners discuss how, often times, we get into a rut
or routine and the fun leaves the relationship. This, of course, carries over into the sexual
aspect of the relationship as well. When the sex begins to dry up, the blame game often
begins. The initiator, or person who is always trying to instigate sexual encounters,
begins to feel unwanted or as if their spouse is no longer attracted to them. The other
partner, the one constantly being pursued, begins to feel as if their partner only wants
them for sex. The Penners list a series of exercises which allow the couple to identify
this rut as well as their own part within it and then methods to encourage new random
approaches which allow each other to be comfortable initiating a sexual encounter when
the mood arises (Penner C. & Penner J., 2003).
That comfort and confidence will often come when the couple feel a sense of
sexual freedom. Sexual freedom comes when the couple places no expectations or
demands on the moment…be that moment a simple kiss, cuddling in bed watching a
movie, foreplay, or full-blown sexual intercourse. This freedom falls in line with the
mutual responsibility necessary for sexual pleasure. The Penners state that you must
acknowledge your inability to pleasure your spouse when you are preoccupied with
Running head: BOOK CRITIQUE; THE GIFT OF SEX
pleasuring your spouse (Penner C. & Penner J., 2003). That preoccupation does not
allow you to enjoy yourself fully. There must also be an understanding that any action
which causes a negative reaction will not be continued and that there must be the freedom
to express when something occurs that is not a positive outcome of the situation (Penner
C. & Penner J., 2003). When this system of mutual responsibility and sexual freedom
have been established, the couple will find that they are now able to enjoy themselves and
each other on a much deeper level.
The same thing that is key to maintaining any healthy relationship is also the key
to achieving this deeper level of intimacy with your spouse, open and honest dialogue. It
is absolutely imperative that each person feel they are able to communicate with the other
honestly and have those feelings respected. As it pertains to the sexual experience,
knowing what one another likes and dislikes can only make the entire process much more
enjoyable and allow for a deeper connection (Penner C. & Penner J., 2003).
The Penners have once again hit the nail on the head. In line with what I have
learned through personal experience and other counseling classes I have participated in,
their sentiment that honest and open communication is fundamental to the relationship is
completely accurate. Keeping the fun in the relationship and working with one another to
work through any ruts you may encounter is also absolutely necessary to any relationship.
I long ago learned to never stop chasing my wife. As stated earlier…just because you are
married doesn’t mean you stop flirting, stop dating, stop having fun with one another. In
fact, I think it is even more important once you are married.
Running head: BOOK CRITIQUE; THE GIFT OF SEX
WHEN SEX ISN’T WORKING
The Penners speak of a great many reasons why a couple may experience
problems within their sexual relationship. The first of these is lack of knowledge. Many,
in fact most, have no idea what they are doing when it comes to sex. Everything they
know comes from second or third hand sources…many of which are purely based in
fiction. The Penners point out once again, that the media has placed unreasonable
expectations in the minds of the masses and, as such, many of us have beliefs relating to
sex that range from unrealistic too downright unreasonable or even impossible. Another
reason for this lack of knowledge is the hesitancy of parents to discuss topics of this
nature with their children and thus, many men and women only know what they have
learned of themselves, such as the way they have learned to stimulate themselves (Penner
C. & Penner J., 2003).
Amongst the various other reasons sex doesn’t work for some couples is guilt. It
is important to understand what guilt is to understand why it can cause issues in this area.
Guilt is a feeling of sadness over something you have done. This being the case, many of
us carry guilt for no real, reasonable reason. Often times, especially in more traditional
old school churches, we are taught that sex is bad and so then we get to marriage and we
still carry feelings that to engage in this behavior…or God forbid…to enjoy it, is wrong
and carries with it a sense of guilt. Anger, poor self-image, anxiety…all of these are
additional feelings which the Penners point out that can cause one or both members of the
couple to avoid sexual intimacy with one another.
Further emotional blockades can form based on a history of sexual trauma, broken
relationships where our trust is violated causing us to distrust others in our life,
Running head: BOOK CRITIQUE; THE GIFT OF SEX
disrespecting one another, and other various situations which may have occurred in your
life or the life of your spouse (Penner C. & Penner J., 2003). Again, this is where
communication comes into play, only if we are honest with one another about our past
and our emotions can these emotions begin to be overcome.
Not all sexual issues stem from emotions or lack of knowledge however; lack of
time is a major contributor (if not the greatest contributor) to sexual intimacy. As
mentioned earlier, this is 2016. This is the busiest era of human history. Gone are the
days where life strolled on by at a leisurely pace. Between work, feeding the kids, doing
homework (not just for kiddos anymore!), cleaning up, taking showers, church
commitments, children’s school activities…where is the time for intimacy? The Penners
acknowledge the importance of all of these things but stress the need to make time for
one another, free from distraction. They even go so far as to lay out a “formula for
intimacy” (Penner C. & Penner J., 2003) where they allocate time on a daily, weekly,
monthly and season based schedule to promote this time with each other.
The Penners cover a wide variety of other issues which may cause the sexual
experience between man and wife not to work…from differing sexual desires to lack of
interest all together, from health issues to marital infidelity and even homosexuality. They
cover each in detail with a myriad of solutions to each. The Penners have done it again…
they have covered pretty much every conceivable issue your typical couple may
encounter and how to fix the problem.
ENHANCING THE SEXUAL EXPERIENCE
In the closing section of their book, the Penners more or less recoup all they have
shared up until this point. The major addition which has not been missing from the
Running head: BOOK CRITIQUE; THE GIFT OF SEX
previous sections but not quite touched upon in this manner is asking God into the
bedroom. I will admit, this part sounded a bit…strange to me. While I completely agree
with God being an active member in my marriage and thanking Him for all He does for
myself and my family…thanking Him for my arousal and ability to enjoy my wife
sexually while I am simultaneously enjoying my wife sexually, is a bit hard for this book
reviewer to grasp.
DENOUEMENT
To sum it all up, I feel that the Penners did an excellent job of putting together an
all-inclusive book which covers sexual intimacy within a marriage in all its glory (and in
those moments which fall short of the glory mark). They succeeded in providing useful
information on how to establish and maintain a healthy level of intimacy within a
marriage and pointing out that intimacy doesn’t always equal sexual intercourse. They
taught us that God is very much a part of our relationship as man and wife and that sexual
intimacy and enjoyment are a gift given by Him. I feel that any issues I may have
pointed out were merely the result of nitpicking because I could find little at fault with
what they had to say or the way they got their points across.
Running head: BOOK CRITIQUE; THE GIFT OF SEX
References
Driscoll, M., & Driscoll, G. (2012). Real Marriage; The Truth about Sex, Friendship,
and Life Together. Nash, TN: Thomas Nelson.
Farley, M. A. (2006). Just love: A framework for Christian sexual ethics. New York:
Continuum International Pub. Group.
Harper, K. (2013). From shame to sin: The Christian transformation of sexual morality
in late antiquity. Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press.
Penner, C., & Penner, J. (2003). The Gift of Sex; A Guide to Sexual Fulfillment.
Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson.
Smedes, L. B. (1976). Sex for Christians: The limits and liberties of sexual living. Grand
Rapids: Eerdmans.
Vines, M. (2014). God and the gay Christian: The biblical case in support of same-sex
relationships. New York, NY: Convergent Books.
All Bible references will be from The Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB) unless
otherwise indicated.
