Rogerian Argument paper.

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ENGL 112-20

Final Position Paper

Pornography in Relationships

Most people have an immediate response to the word PORNOGRAPHY. Some are disgusted or embarrassed, while others are ambivalent, curious, or even sexually aroused. Pornography usually elicits a strong response when people are asked about this controversial subject. Since it affects people of all age, gender, class, and position in American society, there are few who do not have an opinion on the subject. While some pastors and experts completely oppose pornography in every situation, others think it is harmless for all or think it has its place in committed relationships. There will always be those that strongly oppose pornography, however kept in the right context and shared in an open and honest relationship, pornography can be a positive aspect of a relationship and an enhancement to sexual intimacy.

While pornography can be damaging to a relationship if not kept in the right context, it can be a fun and exciting aspect of a relationship when dealt with in an open and honest way. I have been happily married for twenty years and my husband and I have a deep respect for one another and still enjoy a fulfilling intimate relationship. As a couple, we enjoy watching pornography together on occasion. We have openly discussed the issue, respect each other’s opinions, and only view pornography together. We have found it to be a positive aspect of our intimate relationship and have not had any negative experiences because of it. This is only possible because we both agree that watching pornography is acceptable, have agreed on what types of pornography to watch, respect the boundaries we have set, and continue to communicate with each other on an ongoing basis. Not only have I seen this to be true in my own marriage, but in an interview with Jeff Reynolds and Carla Reynolds both expressed the mutual enjoyment and sexual fulfillment they get from viewing pornography together. They feel that this is right for their marriage because they agree on the issue. If at any time either of them becomes uncomfortable with pornography, they would stop watching it all together. They believe that the solidarity of their views is what makes pornography a positive aspect of their relationship rather than a negative one (Reynolds and Reynolds).

Some experts agree that couples watching pornography together can be good for their relationships. Stacey Nelkin is an actress and the co-author of You Can’t Afford to Break Up: How an Empty Wallet and a Dirty Mind Can Save Your Relationship. She is a relationship and parenting expert and blogs for the website The Daily Affair. In an article titled, “5 Reasons Why Watching Porn Together Can Be Good For Your Relationship” Nelkin addresses the myth that pornography is destructive to relationships. She states that instead of women being threatened by their partner’s preference for porn, they should share in the experience with him, creating a sexual connection and mutually fulfilling experience. Nelkin provides five reasons why she believes pornography can actually be a positive aspect of a relationship. The first reason is that it creates a shared experience, which is an investment in the long term intimacy of the relationship. The second reason is that pornography allows partners to more openly express their secret fantasies. Some people might be more reserved about bringing up a sexual fantasy with their partner, but would be able to express these fantasies through the pornography they choose or the open sexual communication that pornography creates. Also, pornography can introduce partners to new experiences that they did not even realize was a fantasy, but is discovered together through porn. Nelkin’s third reason for pornography being a good thing is that it gets each partner excited faster and is part of foreplay. In this busy world where everyone is rushing from one commitment to another, partners might need to expedite their intimate moments. Porn helps get things moving quicker and allows couples to enjoy each other in the few stolen moments they have together. The fourth positive aspect of pornography is that it helps people be comfortable with the fact that their partner can be attracted to another person without it threatening the relationship. It is ok to become aroused by another person and can even strengthen the relationship when partners share in the external arousal experience. Nelkin’s final reason for pornography being good for relationships is that it may actually lessen the possibility of one partner acting out on sexual desires in the form of adultery. If all the sexual needs and fantasies are fulfilled with the committed partner then there is no need to look elsewhere for sexual fulfillment and excitement (Nelkin).

Choosing to view pornography together can build strong bonds and help partners enjoy a long, satisfying, and healthy sexual relationship. The key to whether pornography is a positive or negative force in a relationship is that both partners find it exciting, enjoyable, and beneficial. This means that not only does the man have to enjoy pornography, but the woman as well.

Most people are not surprised to hear a man state that he enjoys watching pornography, but that is not the case for the perception toward women viewing it. In general, men watch pornography more than women and are more open about the subject. Because of the social stereotypes, women are less likely to be as open about their views on the subject. However, there are many women who have a positive attitude toward porn and believe that watching pornography is a mutually enjoyable activity that actually increases rather than decreases intimacy. In an article from the United Kingdom’s Daily Mail, author Katy Winter cites a survey conducted in 2013. The survey revealed that ninety-six percent of women have watched pornography with a partner and over half watch it on their own. Fifty-five percent of those surveyed said they view pornography on a monthly basis, with forty percent of those women viewing it weekly and nine percent viewing it daily. Fifty-eight percent of the women surveyed claimed pornography had a positive effect on their sexual relationship and twenty-three percent said it brought them closer together with their partner. Winter states, “While the new generations sexually liberated women are embracing porn as part of their own sexuality, they are also more open to sharing it with their partner.” Even though pornography still seems to be a taboo subject for women, this survey suggests that even though it is not discussed as openly as with men, women are enjoying pornography and are seeing positive results in their relationships.

Viewing pornography together when both partners enjoy the experience can be a positive aspect of a relationship, however it can only be positive if the decision is consensual. When either partner is not comfortable with pornography or is against pornography, it should be off limits in the relationship. When one person chooses to view pornography against the wishes of their partner or views it in secret, then it becomes a destructive force in a relationship. This not only destroys the trust in a relationship but it also drives a wedge between the couple sexually. One partner is receiving pleasure absent the other, and each feels closed off from the other. In an interview with Phillip Cuilty, he discussed how pornography affected his marriage and what his past and present views were on the subject. Cuilty was married for ten years, but the marriage ended in divorce. During the marriage he asked his wife to view pornography with him on several occasions. Cuilty’s wife was disgusted by pornography and refused to view it and told him she did not want him viewing it either. At that time Cuilty did not see anything wrong with pornography and thought his wife was being unreasonable. He began watching pornography behind his wife’s back and continued undetected for several years. When his wife discovered what he had been doing she felt betrayed and hurt. She asked him repeatedly to stop, but Cuilty continued viewing pornography thinking he could somehow keep it from his wife. Eventually, after repeated unsuccessful attempts to get Cuilty to stop, his wife divorced him. He said, at the time, he thought the pornography was harmless, but now realizes that it destroyed his marriage. He did not realize until it was too late how much it hurt his wife and how bad it made her feel. Cuilty sought counseling from his pastor and has since rejected all forms of pornography. He realizes now what a destructive vice pornography really was because it was not something he and his wife shared together (Cuilty).

While some believe that pornography’s effect on a relationship depends on how both partners feel about porn, there are those that believe pornography is always wrong in a relationship regardless of how each partner feels about the subject. A great deal of the opposition to pornography comes from the Christian community. Some pastors believe pornography poses a great threat to the moral fabric of this country and that it is ripping apart homes and families. Many Christian leaders are making it their mission to combat this problem and lead people away from the morally corrupt pornographic industry.

Christianity teaches that pornography goes against the Bible’s teachings about sexual purity, and is therefore morally wrong and harmful to marriages. In Hebrews it states, “Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous” (The MacArthur Study Bible, Heb. 13.4). It is clear that the Christian faith teaches that sexually immoral and adulterous behavior is wrong, but what is considered adulterous behavior? Adultery is defined by Jesus when He states, “But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Mat. 5.28). Based on these scriptures, looking at a woman with lust, even if on the television or the Internet, is committing adultery and a morally wrong thing to do. It is not just the married people that the Bible addresses. Everyone is called to be sexually pure. “For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor, not in the passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God” (1 The. 4:3-5). God calls on everyone to be sexually pure and having sexual relations with someone other than a spouse is considered impure. “If a man seduces a virgin who he is not betrothed and lies with her, he shall give the bride-price for her and make her his wife” (Exo. 22:16). Since the Bible considers sex with someone other than a spouse to be wrong, and in Matthew it is taught that looking lustfully at a woman is the same as actually having sex, then viewing pornography, whether a person is married or single, is immoral and wrong according to the Christian faith.

Pastors, based on the teachings of the Bible, believe that pornography is morally wrong, is committing adultery, and is destroying the family. While I respect the Christian faith and the teachings of the Bible, I disagree with the interpretation of the Bible concerning what constitutes adultery. If a man and woman view the pornographic material together, in an open and honest way, it can be an enriching aspect of sexual intimacy and not adultery. Obviously, if one partner views the pornography without the knowledge or consent of the other then I would agree that constitutes adultery and is morally wrong.

Not all opposition to pornography is faith based. Secular experts on the subject cite several reasons why they believe pornography is destructive. In a journal article titled “The Impact of Internet Pornography on Marriage and the Family,” author Jill Manning states that pornography can have a negative effect on how men view and treat women. It can cause callousness toward women, trivialize rape as a criminal offense, distort the man’s perception about sexuality, increase his desire for more deviant types of pornography, and devalue the idea of monogamy, marriage, and children. Research has shown that men who view pornography on a regular basis tend to be less satisfied with their partner’s sexual performance, physical appearance, level of affection, and willingness to be adventurous and try new things. Manning also states that men who view pornography tend to see women as a sexual object, there to fulfill their fantasies rather than seeing them as a loving partner who has needs of her own. Women feel used, devalued, and unfulfilled in their own sexual needs because the men are not focusing on them, but using them as a “warm body” to be a stand-in for the porn actress. Overall, the effects of pornography on the man/woman relationship seem to be negative. However, Manning does acknowledge that while these finding are disturbing and shed light on how destructive pornography can be, they may not be relevant when the pornography is viewed in a mutual, consensual, and open manner by a couple. While pornography can be detrimental when men view it on their own, it can actually be an enriching aspect of a couple’s sexual relationship when it is enjoyed together (Manning). By sharing in the sexual experience and being active participants in fulfilling each other’s fantasies, couples can avoid the negative effects of pornography and enjoy building a sexual bond based on mutual respect and sexual fulfillment.

The impact on relationships is only one aspect of pornography and there are many other areas that could be looked at. My discussion is limited to how pornography affects couples and whether it is a positive or negative aspect of relationships. There are other aspects of pornography that I did not discuss, such as the effects of it on teens, the increasing availability due to technology, or the differences between soft core, regular, and hard core pornography. I also did not discuss the subject from the viewpoint of those making the pornography or the dangers and negative aspects of the industry.

Pornography is controversial for many reasons and it involves a topic that few people are comfortable discussing. But human beings are sexual creatures and it is natural to explore that aspect of our lives. When a couple decides to look outside of their own sexual relationship for pleasure, this causes many to question the morality and validity of that decision. Most Christian leaders oppose pornography based on the teachings of the Bible on sexual purity. Some secular experts see pornography as the cause for men devaluing woman and woman feeling used and unfulfilled. While I see the validity of both viewpoints and agree with both on some levels, I do not believe that pornography is always a negative aspect in a relationship. I agree with the faith based argument that it is adultery, but only if it is done in secret and against the wishes of one of the partners. If it is a consensual and mutual decision, then it is not adultery. I also agree with the secular view that pornography contributes to the devaluing of woman. However, this is only if the man is viewing the pornography on his own, and not the case when both partners are enjoying the pornography together as a mutually fulfilling aspect of their sexual relationship. It would be inaccurate to make a blanket statement that pornography is either a negative or positive aspect in all relationships. For some couples pornography is destructive, especially if either partner is not comfortable with the situation or if one partner secretly view the pornography. For other couples, pornography can be a positive, shared experience that benefits both partners. Viewing pornography should be an enhancement to a sexual relationship and used to explore fantasies and create sexual intimacy. Whether pornography is positive or negative depends on each individual couple. The key to success in any relationship is communication. The subject of pornography should be explored in an open and honest way, with each partner’s views being considered and respected. As long as both partners are in agreement, whichever decision is made is the right decision.

Works Cited

Cuilty, Phillip. Personal Interview. 14 Sep. 2013.

Manning, Jill C. "The Impact of Internet Pornography on Marriage and the Family: A Review of the Research." Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity 13.2/3 (2006): 131-165. Academic Search Premier. Web. 12 Sep. 2013.

Nelkin, Stacey. “5 Reasons Why Watching Porn Together Can Be Good For Your Relationship.” Huff Post Weddings. The Huffington Post, 7 Mar. 2013. Web. 18 Nov. 2013.

Reynolds, Jeff, and Carla Reynolds. Personal Interview. 12 Sep. 2013.

The MacArthur Study Bible. Eng. Standard Vers. John MacArthur, gen. ed. Wheaton, IL: Crossway, 2010. Print.

Winter, Katy. “It’s Not Just Men Who Watch Porn!” Mail Online [London]. Associated Newspapers, 15 Nov. 2013. Web. 18 Nov. 2013.