Abstract
This essay aims to investigate the impacts of familial trauma, on the individual and family unit.
Trauma is the pervasive problems following exposure to an emotionally disturbing event.
Trauma often has lasting impacts on the individual. These impacts can overflow to affect family
members and close relationships, that hinder the unit’s ability to function successfully and
cohesively. The roles of each family member within the unit, as well as spiritual beliefs, often
have great influence over how the individual addresses trauma and its symptoms.
Event 1: Abandonment
As a child, feelings of abandonment by the hand of our parents can create an aftershock
that ripples well into adulthood and future generations. My mother, known by our family as Cis,
recounted the story of her 8th year, when her mother (Louise) left home on a two-month
excursion, without warning or explanation. According to Cis, there are still unknowns to this
story that have left the family to speculate details and make up stories to ease their minds.
Prior to Louise’s departure, Cis remembers her mother always laying on the couch with a
cigarette in hand, watching television. A “grown up drink” was never out of reach for my
grandmother, and only the eldest sibling was required to top off the glass when requested.
According to my mother, my grandmother's presence was that of a rundown warden: Tired, but
still maintaining a presence that instills fear. The environment of the home ran like a well-oiled
machine with 6 kids as crew members, each of them having their own set of chores to maintain
the home. My mother, the youngest, was responsible for “staying out of the way” and sometimes
bringing Louise’s food to the living room.
There was no consistent father figure in the home. Though Louise remained legally
married to the father of her children and slept beside him almost every night, he came and went
in the wee hours to attend to his business as a mechanic. My mother added that although his job
was the excuse for his absence, it was an unspoken knowledge to the family that he was seeing a
woman across town.
One day, shortly after my mother’s 8th birthday, Cis returned home from school to find
her older sister on an empty couch, crying. The eldest brother was in a chair nearby, with his
head in his hands. The sister called Cis to the couch and explained that their mother had “run
off” and that “Daddy needs us to manage until she comes home.”
From then on, my mother became a window cling, sitting by the front door every moment
she was home, looking for a red Cadillac to pull back into the drive. My mother added over that
period, she made up stories about how Louise was at the North Pole helping Santa pack the
proper presents “for once,” or how she’d turn on the radio one day and hear her mother’s voice
because she had become a famous singer. After a while, my mother said the fantasies faded, and
she came to the resolve that her mother was dead. With no supportive presence of their father,
and no knowledge of Louise’s whereabouts, Cis resigned to the belief that they were the real-life
version of the Boxcar Children (still my mother’s favorite book).
After two long months, Louise walked into the home with meat on her bones and color to
her flesh. My mother said she had never seen Louise look so “beautiful and alive.” Louise came
in with a nurturing, but distant presence that she never had before. Though she felt like a
stranger, she finally felt like a safe person to Cis and the siblings. For years, Louise told the
children that she went on a trip to “help the less fortunate,” which made no sense to the kids, as
they were the less fortunate. It was not until my mother was sixteen that their father came home
early one night, drunk, and told the children that Louise was sent away to a rehabilitation center
in Michigan by her parents.
My mother believes her codependent behavior and “strong attachment” to those she loves
came from this time in her life, which caused her to fear that those she loves will “disappear
without a trace.” According to Hornor (2019), children who experience felings of abandonment
may develop an attachment disorder that creates conflict in romantic and interpersonal
relationships well into adulthood. My mother admits that her divorce exacerbated these fears.
According to Cis, as her children got older, she also began fearing her children going to college
and moving out, which explains my mother’s strong influence over choosing a college nearby
and never being “far out of reach.”
Cis has never attended counseling and has displayed severe panic attacks for the duration
of my life. She has taken anxiety medication for over twenty years, as prescribed by her family
doctor. Adults who developed attachment disorders in childhood have an increased likelihood for
comorbidities and psychiatric challenges throughout adulthood, including anxiety (Hornor,
2019). Cis feels that her medications sometimes “take the edge off,” but finds that investing her
love and energy into her pets or her fiancé (who is actively in addiction) is the best way to
overcome her fear of abandonment. Though her codependency has caused her to lose herself,
emotionally and health-wise, in the investment of others, she ultimately became the warm and
nurturing parent that she never had.
Event 2: Car Accident
In 2010, my mother (Cis) was driving home from my older sister’s house, after dropping
me off for a sleepover. Less than a mile from my sister's home, my mother turned on to a main
road which has minimal streetlights and is known for being unsafe after dark, due to gang
activity. Unfortunately, this is also the only way to get back home. My mother noticed a dark
vehicle making U-turns and circling the road where she was. Soon after, she heard multiple
rounds of gunshots (close enough to also be heard by my sister and I, at her house). As soon as
she realized that she was potentially a moving target, she came upon a man running zigzags in
the median. He ran into the road, and my mother slammed on the breaks and swerved to miss
him. The man did not stop running, and her intent to avoid contact was unsuccessful. His body
flew onto the hood and windshield, as her car screeched to a halt.
She remembers hearing the revving engine of the circling vehicle as they sped off,
leaving her with a mangled body and no visibility outside of her car’s broken headlights. She
immediately went to call 911 but was unable to breathe or speak due to being in an active panic
attack. It is unknown how emergency units were dispatched but assumed that 911 tracked her
phone location and sent help. Prior to emergency responders’ arrival, my mother also managed to
call my sister. She was gasping for air in the phone, so my sister and I quickly jumped in the car
and drove towards my mother’s home to find her. Within two minutes, we drove upon the scene
of the accident with my mother screaming and doubled over, trying to catch her breath.
My mother was taken to the hospital by EMS and spent several hours undergoing
evaluation to ensure that she was mentally well, sober, and verify her alibi. The police came into
her room to share that the man in the road was pronounced dead at the scene, causing another
panic attack and an additional dose of hospital-grade anxiety medication. Cis was discharged
home to find her vehicle in her yard, with a blood-splattered and dented hood, causing yet
another mild panic attack.
A few days following her discharge from the hospital, an investigator from the Sheriff’s
office called to give my mother an update. He explained that at the scene, they found multiple
bottles of prescription pills, 3 pairs of name brand shoes, and a few t-shirts. Upon investigation,
they found that the man had robbed a drug dealer’s house, less than a football field away from
the accident. The circling vehicle was the dealer who was attempting to shoot the man, and had
my mother not hit him, she could have been shot in the crossfire.
In a study conducted by Bedaso et al. (2020), victims of car accidents that resulted in
death have an 84.4% chance of survivors developing PTSD symptoms. My mother’s panic
attacks persisted for weeks and would wake her in the middle of the night. This resulted in severe
sleep disturbances for nearly a year before she was able to return to a somewhat normal sleep
routine. She received no counseling or professional treatment but was prescribed a PRN sleep aid
medication by her family doctor, which she believes helped her over time.
According to Bedaso et al. (2020), the side effects of the initial traumatic event can
become exacerbated when any increase in stress occurs. My mother still refuses to drive after
dark, as she is convinced her eyesight will suddenly fail her and cause another accident. On
nights that she is forced to go out after dark (be it for food or medication), she becomes easily
agitated and has a poor night’s sleep due to panic attacks. It is important to note that my mother’s
insurance does not cover mental health or psychiatric services, and she is unable to afford out-of-
pocket expenses for counseling. Cis feels that she best managed her traumatic stress symptoms
by avoiding triggers and increasing her sleep.
Event 3: Child Sexual Abuse
My paternal aunt, Diana, spoke about her most traumatic event in her life occurring over
a long period of her childhood. Diana grew up in the 1950’s, in a small town, where her
grandparents, aunts and uncles lived next-door to one another. She had 3 sisters, one brother, and
was the youngest of the daughters.
Diana remembers the time “before,” when she would be outside with her siblings and
cousins, playing make believe in the front yard. She recalls her uncle Jim coming outside and
yelling for one of her sisters or female cousins to come inside and “help him in the house.” Diana
admitted that she assumed her “mama was right” and that men can’t do anything domestic
without the oversight of a woman. She imagined the girls were going inside to help him make
lunch or start the laundry. The girls would return after a short time and resume playing. Diana
explained that no one thought to ask why Uncle Jim needed help.
Around eight or nine years old, Diana was called in to help Jim inside the house. Though
my aunt did not disclose details, she shared of her uncle taking her to a back bedroom where he
molested her. She added that she returned to play outside, where her family appeared “normal,”
despite knowing what she just went through.
Diana disclosed that this occurred with all of the young girls in the family, for years
throughout their youth. Once, Diana’s older sister Dorothea attempted to tell their mother. Diana
explained that their mother became upset with Dorothea because “little girls don’t talk about
grown men that way,” and punished Dorothea for “being vulgar.” My aunt added that she later
found out that Jim was also guilty of molesting their mother in her youth.
At 15, Diana met her current husband of 50 years, Pete. At the time, she kept asking him
to run away with her and shared of the treatment of her uncle Jim. Enraged, Pete confronted Jim
and attempted to kill him with a metal frying pan, threatening that if Jim ever laid a hand on
Diana again, he would kill him in his sleep. During that altercation, Diana was packing her bags
and loading the car to run away. Diana and Pete moved to his family’s home in the next town,
where they married at 16 years old and immediately became pregnant. Diana shared that she
remained estranged from her family until she was 37 years old, when she heard of her mother’s
passing. Diana was welcomed back by her siblings and met with the good news of Jim’s death
happening only a few months after Diana’s escape.
A study conducted by Welfare (2023) investigated the impact of children who are
sexually abused by family members and remain within the family unit. According to Welfare
(2023), children who are sexually abused may often begin to connect their sibling trauma,
ultimately making their family member a constant trigger. Welfare (2023) posits that there is
benefit in a period of separation from the family unit in instances such as these, so that the victim
may have time to heal apart from their trigger or traumatic environment. Diana validates that the
time away from her family allowed her to separate her siblings from their shared sexual abuse
experiences.
When asked to reflect on how that abuse changed the trajectory of her life, Diana
expressed that she wanted so badly to get away that she started a family too quickly. Diana loves
her husband and children but acknowledges that her choice to leave also led to many hardships.
She added that her own daughter was sexually abused by an older man in their church during
vacation bible school and is terrified that the cycle of sexual abuse will eventually reach her
granddaughter. Morelli et al. (2020) postulates that a parent’s untreated trauma can create
maladaptive parenting practices that expose their children to potential abuse, thus validating
Diana’s fear.
Diana explained that going to counseling was unheard of until recently, but she did seek
support in her church. She added that her daughter’s abuse impacted her relationship within that
church and damaged her religious beliefs for a long time. Diana remained recluse and closed off
from anyone outside of her family for many years. It was only within the last 5 years, she
decided to return to church and try to open herself to having a relationship with other church
members, hoping to gain more friends and a supportive community.
Event 4: Klan
My aunt Celeste opened up about an unspoken family secret, rooted in trauma and death.
In childhood, Celeste was incredibly close with her aunt, Elsie. In 1966, two years after
segregation ended, Elsie brought home a man of color (James) to meet the family. My aunt
shared that our family was always against segregation, or so she thought, based on how upset our
family would become when seeing the treatment of African Americans.
Elsie's father, Celeste’s grandfather, was known for having friends in his youth that were
Klansmen. He was believed to have “left that part of his life behind” as he moved to the South
and befriended people of color. Unbeknownst to the family, African Americans were only
welcome as friends, but not partners for potential procreation. My aunt shared that, though this
has never been confirmed, there is belief that Elsie's father called his friends to “take care” of
James. Elsie and James were ambushed one evening, and a group of unknown men grabbed
James, threw him in the back of a car and sped off. Elsie fled home to call for help and tell her
parents, who tried to remind her that this was the “risk of dating a colored man.”
Celeste shared of waking up one night, only a few days after hearing of Aunt Elsie’s
boyfriend being kidnapped. Off in the distance, but still on the family’s property, an 8-year-old
Celeste saw a huge bonfire with men throwing things into the fire. My aunt shared that she
immediately felt sick and terrified, wondering if James’ body was with those men. Celeste shared
watching her aunt go into a deep depression for weeks and was isolated and ostracized by family
members, and all races of people in the community. Elsie eventually succumbed to her
depression and hung herself.
My aunt reported spending most of her life terrified to interact with people of color,
fearing that they can see through her and her family's history. This fear led her to compulsively
pray for people of color each time she would pass them in public, praying over their safety and
praying they never encountered her family. In a research study led by Murayama et al. (2020),
34% of individuals exposed to a traumatic event developed compulsive tendencies or a diagnosis
of OCD. Dykshoorn (2014) goes on to report that trauma-induced OCD will cause the individual
to actively try to subdue or avoid any reminders of the traumatic event. This avoidance is often
rooted in feelings of guilt or responsibility for the trauma, and a responsibility for keeping others
safe (Dykshoorn, 2014).
Celeste explained that she has spoken to church elders many times to address these
feelings and find peace with her aunt’s suicide. Though her spirituality has helped her forgive
herself, she struggles with visual reminders of the night she saw the bonfire and still has
nightmares about what she saw. Celeste admits that she never had the courage to ask her family
the truth about what she saw that night in the field, and regrets that her parents and grandparents
are now deceased, leaving her unable to find answers that could potentially grant her a peace that
she’s not been able to find. Dykshoorn (2014) posits that effective treatment of trauma-induced
OCD must address victims’ feelings of regret and responsibility only after building up their
distress tolerance to triggers.
Event 5: Fighting Fires
My father, Wesley, was a fireman by trade. Though he remained distant, until his recent
estrangement, I never saw him display any ounce of emotion or signs of trauma. In his absence,
my mother, Cis, shared what she believes to be a major traumatic event in my father’s life. It is
important to note that my mother only came into this information because of Wesley’s Captain,
who called to let my mother know to be prepared when my father returned home and look out for
any signs that he was struggling.
Wesley became a fireman at 20 years old. He took dozens of emergency calls before
receiving his first call that resulted in death. On that day, the fire department was dispatched to a
car accident. The driver was able to get out of the vehicle, but the car was wrapped around a tree
to where the 4-year-old in the back seat was unable to be removed. The car became engulfed in
flames. The captain told my mother that Wesley sat with the little girl and tried to talk to her and
keep her calm until the screaming stopped and she succumbed to the fire.
According to my mother, Wesley returned home from his 24-hour shift and appeared at
his baseline. She noticed no immediate changes and was instructed to not ask questions about the
incident. My mother shared that it was many months later before she began to notice one change:
Wesley had no interest in his children. She explained that he would hold us, make sure we were
fed, and had all of our needs met. However, he no longer smiled when interacting with us, he
was no longer willing to engage unless necessary, and his warmth was gone. Shaji (2020)
conducted an extensive study on the mental, physical and emotional demands placed on firemen.
This study concluded that the hectic work schedule, sleep disturbances, and psychological
demands placed on those in the field result in PTSD symptoms that may not be seen for years
following (Shaji, 2020). These ongoing sleep disturbances can lead to increased psychiatric
disorders if unmanaged (Palagini et al., 2019). According to Shaji (2020), the psychological and
emotional stress caused by ongoing traumatic exposures can cause individuals in this field to feel
isolated and withdraw from their families and communities, while deepening their bond with
colleagues. The researcher goes on to suggest that the government should ensure that firefighters
are provided with stress management programs and individual/family counseling to ensure their
overall wellbeing (Shaji, 2020).
My mother explained that she asked for years if he would attend family counseling or
speak with the guidance counselor at school to help rebuild the broken bond between Wesley and
his kids. He declined and the distance grew. Eventually my parents divorced due to Wesley’s
infidelity, and he quickly started a new family. My mother expressed frustration in seeing him
emotionally detach from us for years, before creating a new family where he is actively engaged
and loving to his children. To her knowledge, my mother believes Wesley received no treatment,
but was able to move on to become the father he is today, because he created a family that came
after his career as a fireman. My mother believes that he associated his children and family with
that traumatic accident and was unable to separate his job from his personal life. I have no
recollection of Wesley being a warm or loving presence, and have no memory of his
involvement in my life. After his legal obligation to pay child support expired, he became
estranged and stopped inviting his first set of children to family functions. None of the children
from his first marriage have heard from Wesley in years.
Event 6: Infidelity
Infidelity in a marriage can disrupt an entire family dynamic and create familial divide.
My brother, Chris, shares his most traumatic event being the day he found out our dad (Wesley)
had a second family. This discovery left him feeling suicidal and unsure of how to move
forward.
Towards the end of Wesley’s firefighting career, he purchased a local hardware store,
which became my brother's first job at 16 years old. Chris remembers seeing a woman with red
hair frequent the store multiple times a day without making any purchases. He shared being
suspicious that she was stealing, so he decided to follow her. To his surprise, she would enter
Wesley’s back office and close the door behind her. My brother added that this was particularly
interesting because no one except Wesley and his accountant were permitted to enter the office,
and it remained locked by a dead bolt.
When she finally left the office, my brother asked Wesley about the woman, to which
Wesley explained that she was interested in becoming a business partner. To my brother, this
made sense and he thought nothing else of it until a few weeks later when he saw the woman
again. This time, Chris was returning to the hardware store after being sent on an errand by
Wesley. When pulling in, he saw Wesley load some plants into the woman’s backseat, then
proceed to get into her vehicle and give her a kiss, before driving off. Chris shared waiting a
moment before deciding to follow them.
Chris’ pursuit led him to a home (much nicer than our childhood home), to find Wesley
and the redhead unloading flowers onto the porch, while construction workers painted the
outside. Chris ran into the home and immediately began yelling at Wesley and the woman,
demanding answers. Wesley told him that he was unhappy with our mother and had been for
many years. Wesley and the redhead (Kelly) had purchased the home, and he was planning to
announce his divorce from our mother at the family beach trip a few weeks later. Chris added
that Kelly stepped into the conversation to add that she was 2 months pregnant and hoped he
would be excited for his new sibling.
Chris ran back to his car and sped home to tell our mother, who did not take the news
well. Chris shared feeling very alone after that day. He thought about killing himself and had
made plans but decided against it after seeing our mother in shambles. Studies in infidelity
revealed that children of marriage infidelity experienced feelings of helplessness, emotional
devastation, and centralized parenting (Azizpour et al., 2021).
Chris, my older sister, and I were all eventually court ordered to go to counseling. Chris
remembers lying to the counselor in every session so he could be cleared by the therapist
quickly. Though he does not feel that he gave therapy a chance to work, he recalls feeling that if
he were to truly disappear, the therapist would be the first person to notice he was missing, as
everyone else was involved in their own issues. My brother said the best advice he got in that
long season of life was from his baseball teammate who also had divorced parents: Put all your
focus and energy into baseball and school so you can get far away from your family. Chris
admits to these words replaying in his mind, each time he is in extreme hardship. He reminds
himself to focus on things that will help his goal of “getting away” from the pain and hurt.
Research on children of infidelity found that into adulthood, these children experience
emotional distancing from family, challenges in trusting others, hardships in maintaining stable
romantic relationships, and multigenerational transmission of infidelity (Kökçü, 2022). Since
high school and this event, Chris has maintained a history of unstable work, unstable housing,
infidelity in relationships, and is currently going through his second divorce.
Conclusion
Simply, the side effects of trauma are normal responses to abnormal situations. It is
understandable to want to avoid triggers, reminders, or even run away from that which reminds
us of the traumatic event. However, untreated trauma can have a ripple effect that spans into the
lives of nearby loved ones, and even future generations. Though treatment and healing require
discomfort for a short time, the positive impact of proper treatment can last for lifetimes.
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