Sexual Problems and Infidelity
MODULE 6 HEALTHY SEXUALITY
A BROKEN COVENANT
From that day on, intimacy would be hard to achieve. The propensity to follow their own
way rather than God’s way would wreak havoc on their one-flesh relationship. The
commandment You shall not commit adultery urges couples to work out their struggles in the
context of their marriage. Although these Old Testament laws were expressed in a patriarchal,
polygamous culture where husbands had the right to take and divorce as many wives as they
wished, these sexual options were to be within a legal marriage contract.
The warning against adultery sets the marriage bond up as a priority that must be guarded
at all costs. The affirmative aspect of these commandments encourages married persons to work
together toward an emotional and sexual union that keeps their relationship vital. Each spouse is
responsible to God to keep the marriage covenant. The ninth commandment, you shall not give
false testimony, has special implications for extramarital sex.
Lies and falsehoods are an inevitable part of an affair. Secrets come between the marital
couple, for one cannot avoid the impact of deceit that impinges on vows of fidelity. Novelist and
theologian Frederick Buechner declares, I not only have my secrets. I am my secrets. And you
are your secrets. Secrets indeed tell a story about who we are. The falsehoods told or lived out
become part of and reveal truth about that person. When spouses discover that they have been
deceived, their tremendous rage has to do with betrayal.
Truthfulness about the affair at least gives the betrayed spouse an equal chance to protest,
express opinions and feelings, and decide what to do. To have no choice leaves them at a
profound disadvantage. Confessing about an affair must be out of a desire for reconciliation and
healing. The confessor must weigh the potential hurt or harm that could come to the resolute
spouse.
Although spouses may not always escape the temptation of wrongful desire, they can ask
for forgiveness and seek the help of their spouse and God to keep the promises of the marital
vows. The New Testament teaching builds on the Old Testament views on adultery, but it
broadens the focus to include attitudes as well as behavior. Broadening the definition of
infidelity to include emotional as well as sexual involvement takes into account the subjective
aspects of adultery. Limiting the definition to sexual intercourse minimizes the devastating cost
of other types of infidelity that break the emotional bond. Emotional infidelity or affairs of the
heart are just as hurtful as sexual affairs. men appear to feel more threatened when their partners
are sexually unfaithful.
FOUR TYPES OF AFFAIRS
While there may be as many reasons for adultery as there are adulterous affairs, affairs
are known to follow certain patterns. Romantic affairs are usually the culmination of a
developing relationship between two people who feel they love each other. Marital arrangements
constitute a type of affair in which a couple agrees to stay married but allows for long-term
sexual relationships with persons outside the marriage. Each of these types of affairs involves
different reasons for adultery.
THE DECISION TO HAVE AN AFFAIR
Many presume that the major source of extramarital sex is marital dissatisfaction. Marital
therapists point to both individual and interactional unfilled needs that are given as reasons
people look elsewhere to fulfill these needs. Psychologist Dave Atkins found that individuals
with a tendency toward a narcissistic personality were significantly correlated with higher rates
of extramarital intimacy. Females who lacked equality in their marital relationship were more
likely to desire and engage in extramarital sexual behavior.
These findings are consistent with equity theory, which predicts higher rates of
extramarital sex in marriages where there is unequal power. Under-benefited partners engage in
extramarital sex earlier in their marriage and with more partners than those who feel equitably
treated. Women who felt they were not getting all that they deserved in their marriage were more
likely to consider extramarital sexual involvement as an acceptable behavior. Infidelity is often
related to situational factors like an opportunity for infidelity with coworkers and/or traveling
away from home.
Shirley Glass found employment to be a primary context for affairs with coworkers who
are emotionally connected and approached as alternative partners to spouses. Based on clinical
research, David Schnarch explains extramarital sexual involvement on one’s level of
differentiation. He claims those who lack a healthy degree of differentiation are more vulnerable
to extramarital affairs. When that doesn’t occur, it is very disconcerting and the strong desire for
validation makes an extramarital affair extremely attractive.
The affair gives the impression that one is desirable, sexy, and admired, and becomes an
escape route for new validation. Highly differentiated spouses do not fear losing themselves in
the emotional closeness of the marriage because their solid sense of self frees them to love in
more expressive and more vulnerable ways. Affairs occur more frequently among those who fear
intimacy rather than those who desire to become more intimate with their spouse.
The thrust of this teaching is that adulterous thoughts can be the beginning of adulterous
affairs. Coveting or lusting after someone outside the marriage harms everyone involved. The
one who commits adultery shapes his or her character through the deceitful and unfaithful action.
The abandoned spouse feels betrayed, angry, neglected, and confused about what’s happening.
Each stage in Atwater’s description involves a conscious choice.
MYTHS ABOUT INFIDELITY
The truth is that, although affairs involve sex, sex is usually not the primary reason to
have an affair. The fifth myth is that the affair is the fault of the resolute spouse. The sixth myth
is that there is protection through ignorance of a spouse’s affair. The seventh myth is that after an
affair, divorce is inevitable.
A serious consideration is how the affair affects the balance of power in the marriage.
The offended spouse may hold the affair over the other by pointing out the moral weakness in
the other. The emotional fusion common in many couples leaves them with the unspoken belief
that the affair is a negative reflection on their competence. Even language that is used, such as
dumpee and dumper, puts the power in the hands of the one who has had the affair
In a certain sense, spouses who are having the affairs are powerful because they have
diminished the resolute spouse through their betrayal. Especially if the resolute spouse is overly
dependent, it is easy for the offending spouse to insinuate that the resolute spouse is
blameworthy or inadequate. In this case, they use the affair to their advantage and can be defiant
and seemingly gratified by depriving, hurting, or being one up on the resolute spouse. In cases
where there is unequal power, the resolute spouse often succumbs to the defeating self-doubts
and spousal-inflicted doubts, failing to rightly protest the broken covenant. This lets the
offending spouse off the hook, fails to keep him or her accountable, and continues to let him or
her escape with little consequence.
FOR COUPLE INTEGRITY
Awareness of feelings. A first principle is to be alert and aware of thoughts and feelings
you have about other people in your life. This is best accomplished by openly communicating
with your spouse about your interactions with these friends. Discuss the extent of the intellectual,
emotional, and physical interaction.
If there are sexual feelings, you need to admit this to your spouse so the two of you can
decide how to appropriately proceed. If as a spouse you are uncomfortable for any reason, you
are obliged to express these feelings without judgment. The integrity of the marriage is of
foremost importance. Bringing out all feelings and questions is absolutely the right thing to do.
Sometimes one’s spouse is the best judge of alerting you to innuendos in social
interaction. Listen when a spouse says, I notice you being especially flirtatious around so-and-so.
Your willingness to take seriously what your spouse says means you will be alert rather than
unaware. In an attitude of love, you safeguard your marriage.
The current state of the marriage. When a marriage is at its peak strength, there are more
possibilities for a spouse to be close to others at all levels of friendship. When a marriage is at its
weakest, there is greater vulnerability, and special caution is needed. Questions to ask yourself
and your spouse center on how each spouse’s personal needs are being met in the marriage and
what might be lacking at this time in married life.
Until you address your marital issues, friendship intimacy will be put on hold because
your own relationship is at stake. It is the most susceptible time to want attention outside the
marriage. Stay focused on your marriage. The priority of marriage. Marriage is your primary
commitment and all other commitments are secondary. Friends that support and strengthen the
marital dyad are friends indeed. The question is about how much effort we put into growing with
our spouse in a relationship of love and respect.
IS HEALING POSSIBLE?
In fact, infidelity can have such a devastating effect on a marriage that it does not survive.
Whether the response is threat, anger, betrayal, fear, depression, or even apathy, trust must be
repaired if the marriage is to survive and thrive. An affair can actually be a wake-up call-in
which spouses make incredible strides in working through the pain and efforts to renew their
marriage. Positive outcomes include such things as developing a closer marital relationship,
realizing the importance of good communication, increasing assertiveness, placing higher value
on family, and taking better care of the marriage.
The manner of how one discloses the infidelity is an extremely important factor in the
healing process. In their research on infidelity therapy, Atkins, Eldridge, Baucom, and
Christensen found that couples who dealt openly with the infidelity made as much progress as or
better progress than other distressed couples. Progress is greatest when infidelity is openly shared
and no longer kept secret. Personal confession to the spouse quite likely will be an ongoing
process throughout the course of healing.
Asking forgiveness, showing repentance, and making amends are essential parts of
expressing one’s brokenness, humility, and serious intention to recommit to the spouse and the
marriage vows. Effective therapy will focus on the couple’s relationship and not just the
infidelity. Relationship recovery proceeds on a path of healing. From a psychological point of
view, it is important to help spouses grapple with their internal and external responses.
There is a likelihood of unequal power or dependency in the relationship. The affair may
bring up important issues about fusion and fear of intimacy. Based on their qualitative research,
Olson, Russell, Higgins-Kessler, and Miller describe a three-stage process following the
disclosure of infidelity. The beginning roller-coaster stage is characterized by a range of strong
feelings that cause spouses to alternate between giving up on the relationship and determining to
make it work.
What kind of relationship do we want to create? During this period of redefinition, a
couple recommits as they humbly stand before God to ask a blessing on their renewed covenant.
A covenant is not a social exchange that says faithfulness begets faithfulness, but one of personal
conviction and obedience to God’s law. This spiritual perspective means the resolute spouse does
not have to spend an inordinate amount of time focusing on the wrong that has been done.
Demanding penance and placing guilt on the unfaithful spouse may make the resolute spouse
feel powerful, but the obsessive thoughts and angry desire to punish are attempts to control the
spouse.
Both spouses are encouraged to find their true place of belonging in Christ as they
respond to what has happened between them. Dealing honestly with hurt, pain, and betrayal is
part of the personal healing process that eventually clarifies one’s identity and self-worth in
relationship to God. The resolute spouse can draw strength knowing how God’s heart was
broken because of the unfaithfulness of Israel, and yet he took them back, held them close to his
heart, and continued to be the God who guided them with loving-kindness.
THE HEALING HAND OF GOD
Frederick Buechner offers the following reflection on the ramifications of keeping secrets
in a covenant relationship and how healing is necessary to restore that breach of trust. They did
what was forbidden and, in the process, broke their covenant with their Creator. Buechner
wonders, what is it they want to hide? From whom do they want to hide it? and What does it cost
them to hide it? Natural/biological explanations have to do with hormonal factors that contribute
to the tendency for men to be promiscuous in their pursuit of women. An example from a
medical residency population is that a majority of females indicated unwanted sexual advances,
favoritism, and lower evaluations because of gender bias. Power differential in the workplace
sets up potential sexual harassment that can lead to serious emotional trauma and professional
liability. Sexual harassment of males is also reported in the context of power differentials.
Men report being most threatened by coercive behavior that challenges their male
dominance. Sociocultural explanations see sexual harassment as part of the larger culturally
prescribed behavior rooted in sociocultural norms, values, and institutions. When a social
structure includes both a power differential and exploitative cultural attitudes toward females,
sexual harassment will be more pronounced and even acceptable. An example is restaurants that
require waitresses to wear skimpy, tantalizing outfits with sexually suggestive slogans on the
back.
Since the female employees are in an exploitative workplace, it minimizes the offense in
the minds of many. Sexual harassment is fueled by a normalization of commodification of sex in
the workplace as part of the job.
DISCERNING MOTIVE AND ACTION
Sexual harassment is a complex interaction of individual behavior within a sociocultural
setting. Sexual harassment has both an objective and a subjective dimension. In considering any
alleged offense, it is important to consider both the motive of the accused and the effect of the
act on the accuser. Evaluation of sexual harassment must consider both the act and the intent.
The same man may with the same motive hug another woman who feels a sexual
overtone in the gesture. If a woman responds to the hug with discomfort, the man acting from
pure intent is still accountable for his behavior that she interprets as inappropriate. The onus is on
him to modify his behavior. If the motive was more than an affirmation and he took advantage of
his position and her vulnerability, it is sexual harassment that should be challenged.
Figure 11.1 depicts an attempt to balance the motive of the initiator with the experience
of the offended. Motive of the initiator is represented on a continuum ranging from high at the
top to low at the bottom, and perception of motive is represented on a continuum ranging from
low at the left to high at the right of the table. At the lower left corner is a social encounter that is
clearly not sexual harassment. There is no motive to harass on the part of the initiator, nor is
harassment experienced by the recipient.
In this case, the initiator is a sexual aggressor and the encounter is clearly perceived as
harassment by the recipient. This is determined to be sexual harassment because the motive has
been identified and both parties know it. The person in power asks for sexual favors, and the
recipient understands that refusing favors will affect their work. The difficulty in identifying
sexual harassment occurs when there is a lack of congruency between the motive of the initiator
and the experience of the offended.
The upper left corner of the figure represents an encounter in which the initiator is
sexually harassing the person, but that person does not perceive it as harassment. This may be a
case of a wolf in sheep’s clothing, or a woman being used to this treatment so she rationalizes
that men will be men without perceiving the behavior as harassment. In the lower right corner is
an incident in which the initiator does not intend sexual harassment, but the behavior is perceived
as sexual harassment. Without meaning to convey sexual innuendoes, this behavior may be
distasteful and perceived by some as having sexual overtones.
The misreading of a situation may come from previous experiences of sexual harassment
or exploitation. A study by Stockdale, Logan, Sliter, and Berry found no support for the hyper-
sensitivity hypothesis when women report harassment. Sexual harassment comes in different
degrees and shades. A statement might be taken as an affirmation in one social context yet come
across as sexual innuendo in another.
Figure 11.2 illustrates the need to distinguish between sexual harassment and affirmation
during a social encounter. The vertical continuum represents the verbal content, from a statement
of affirmation at the top to a sexual threat or put-down at the bottom. The horizontal continuum
represents the degree of sexual harassment from high at the left to low at the right. The last
statement is most problematic in that some will argue that behavior cannot be both affirming and
involve sexual harassment. Our point is that we must think in both dimensions when assessing a
given behavior. Although it is less common, women do sexually harass men, and certainly sexual
harassment within the same gender occurs as well. Most people perceive behavior differently
depending on the gender of the initiator, making assumptions because the person is male or
female.
Reversing the gender of the initiator and victim can affect the way sexual harassment is
interpreted. Difference in perception might explain some, but not all, of the differences between
males and females in experiencing sexual harassment. The greater experience of sexual
harassment by females than males is true at virtually all ages and circumstances. Sexual
harassment of males is almost always in the context of power differentials.
Men are most threatened by coercive behavior challenging their male dominance. Persons
from different cultural backgrounds differ in their interpretations of what constitutes sexual
harassment. Resentment can be a strong motivation for sexual harassment. Sexual harassment is
always wrong and needs to be eradicated wherever it occurs, not just in the workplace.
In figure 11.3 an emphasis on justice is represented horizontally from low at the left to
high at theright. An emphasis on mercy and correction is represented vertically from low at the
bottom to high at the top. In a general sense, justice involves concern for the victim, while mercy
shows concern for the offender. The Old Testament law emphasizes concern for the victim above
the offender.
However, a rationale of grievance based on Old Testament teachings alone is one-sided,
showing little concern for the offender. The life and teaching of Christ temper justice with mercy
toward the offender. Under God’s justice, the offender is accused and found guilty, but God
shows mercy through Christ to encourage change and transformation. Jesus illustrates the
balance of justice and mercy when the Pharisees brought a woman caught in the act of adultery
to him.
Surprisingly, Jesus showed mercy by challenging them, if any one of you is without sin,
let him be the first to throw a stone at her. After her accusers left, Jesus turned to the woman and
said, then neither do I condemn you. Mercy is not simply letting the offender off without
consequences. Rather, mercy demands rehabilitation. This approach shows concern for the
offended, the offender, and the organization in working toward accountability and change.
Unfortunately, denial is a common response within the Christian community regarding
the existence of sexual harassment. Failure to implement a grievance process in the face of a
sexual harassment charge is neglect of the victim, the offender, and the organization. A victim
may fail to pursue a grievance for various reasons, needing time to process a myriad of feelings
such as powerlessness and fear of job loss or other retaliations. The victim is the foremost
concern in any sexual harassment grievance process.
The law of revenge was enforced by the ancient Hebrews, often providing a punishment
similar in nature to the offense while specifying a maximum limit. Retribution attempts to equal
the score between the offender and the victim. When a societal norm has been violated,
retribution draws attention to the punishment for the sake of preservation of the community.
However, punishing alone, without addressing the problem of harassment, falls short of a full
view of biblical justice.
The opposite of retribution is rehabilitation as the only response to harassment cases.
Excusing offenders easily can lead to a victim mentality that fails to hold the person responsible
and accountable for the actions. This response fails to show concern for the victim and fails to
treat the offender as a responsible human being. It minimizes the seriousness of the offense for
both the offended and the offender.
Those who sexually harass are likely to be repeat offenders unless there are treatment
programs to develop healthier, more person-centered ways of relating. Concern for the
community. Advocating punishment for the good of the community is done to discourage others
from committing a similar offense. Again, lack of concern for the offender through accountable
treatment diminishes the community’s resistance to repeated offenses.
Failure to follow through with education and raise consciousness of sexual harassment is
short-sighted, leaving the community unchanged. When there is low concern for the community,
the motivational force of deterrence is low. As concern for the community increases, there is an
increase in deterrence. Concern for the good of the community can be motivationally expressed
at several different levels.
At a basic level, protection from sexual harassment stems from a motivation for
community safety. Although the Bible advocates deterrence as a response to an offense in social
relationships, it has much more to say about restitution and restoration. Restitution requires
compensation for the harm done to the victim, as seen in Exodus 21. If people quarrel and one
person hits another with a stone or with their fist,
the guilty party must pay the injured person for any loss of time and see that the victim is
completely healed. In cases of sexual harassment, an offender could be ordered to distribute
literature and educate others on the issue of sexual harassment. The practice of these three
motivations by the community constitutes restoration. At the interpersonal level, restoration
repairs can hopefully reestablish the relationship between the harasser and the victim.
Interpersonal reconciliation benefits both the offended and the offender. Restoration must
not be entered prematurely. The offended person must be given time to experience deep feelings
of betrayal, grief, anger, rage, and desire for revenge. Each person’s journey is unique, following
no particular formula.
Only after sufficient confession, remorse, treatment, and accountability on the part of the
offender is it possible to disarm the emotional power and open the door to forgiveness.
Forgiveness never means condoning or excusing the offense.
ISSUE
Courageous persons in these institutions took action, filed official complaints, and
pursued justice as a way of changing the entire system. Communities practicing sexual
discrimination, including churches and parachurch organizations, by their very nature provide a
social environment conducive to sexual harassment. It is unlikely that a community that closes
its eyes to sexual harassment will be challenged within that system. Sexual discrimination, like
racial or any other form of discrimination, is a social justice issue.
As Christians, we are called to do justice and seek mercy, righteousness, and peace in our
personal and corporate lives. Biblical justice is oriented toward re-creating communities in which
all members are treated with equality and respect. When women are not free to live in their full
femininity because of inequality or harassment, there is no shalom. The American Bar
Association recently made a commitment to adopt and enforce policies to prohibit, prevent, and
redress harassment and retaliation.
Organizations that consistently offer educational programs to sensitize their members in
knowing how to recognize and prevent sexual harassment are quite effective. Providing non-
harassment and behavior training to employees at all levels, offering coaching for management
and executives including role-play situations, and showing how harassment harms the person and
their career can begin to change the way people work with each other. We have suggested that a
biblical response to sexual harassment will incorporate high concern for the harassed, the
harasser, and the community in which the harassment takes place.
Sexual harassment violates Christ’s commandment to love our neighbor as ourselves. The
Bible further teaches that both male and female are made in the image of God, in Christ there is
neither male nor female, and followers of Christ are to be in mutual submission to one another
instead of lording it over one another. Shalom is the well-being of individuals, relationships, and
the entire community.
DEFINING SEXUAL ABUSE
Sexual abuse is broadly defined as any sexual act imposed on a child or person who lacks
emotional, maturational, or cognitive development. Being in a dominant position, perpetrators
invite, lure, or force a child to have sexual contact with them. This includes such behaviors as
showing pornographic material, telling explicit sexual stories, disrobing inappropriately,
touching sexually, engaging in intercourse or oral or anal sex, or penetrating genital or anal
openings with an object. Abusers use a combination of emotional manipulation and threats to the
child and family members as they seek to fulfill their act of sexual violation.
Sexual abusers come from all walks of life, economic groups, and cultural groups.
Pedophiles are sex offenders whose preferred or exclusive method of achieving sexual
excitement is through sexual activity with children. These adults have a conscious interest in
using prepubescent children for sexual gratification. Sometimes sibling sexual abuse is motivated
by anger or jealousy toward a sibling who is perceived to be favored by the parents.
In other cases, siblings who cling together for comfort in physically abusive or neglectful
homes may find that the overly close relationship becomes sexual. Many families minimize
sibling sexual abuse because they define sexual contact between siblings as normal sexual
curiosity. Age differences between the siblings, duration of contact, and motivation of
participants are other factors to be taken into account when assessing sibling sexual abuse.
Parents must remain appropriately alert to any sexual activity that occurs between siblings.
Family involvement in the treatment of sibling abuse plays a significant role because it
shores up the leadership role of parents in terms of providing proper supervision and guidance.
Family therapy can be a resource in helping family members learn appropriate ways of caring,
connecting, and upholding the sacred bonds of family trust. It is difficult to obtain exact statistics
on the prevalence of sexual abuse because of the shame and stigma surrounding it and the
underreporting of this crime.
Services indicated child sexual abuse reports dropped by 40% between of children who
are sexually abused, females are at a higher risk when compared to males. While children
between age seven and thirteen due to their young age are innocent and especially vulnerable to
sexual abuse, preadolescence, a time when sexual development is pronounced, is the greatest
risk. Social isolation has been found to be related to increased risk for sexual abuse. Children
who live in a home with a nonbiological father are also at greater risk.
Trepper and Barrett found stepfathers to be five times more likely than natural fathers to
sexually abuse children, and the abuse is of a more serious nature. Especially when the biological
father is sufficiently bonded with his children, he is less likely to treat his children as objects of
his sexual desires. Some surmise that the presence and participation of a father during the birth
of his children increases his emotional attachment, dissuading him from incestuous thoughts and
behaviors toward his own children. Although we must never blame the victims of sexual abuse,
certain factors are predictive of a greater likelihood that a person will be victimized.
ABUSE IN THE FAMILY
A family may look normal on the outside, but inside the home there can be serious
disruptions. Exposing children to shameful sexual acts is the exact opposite of accepting and
nourishing them. Sexual control, coercion, and manipulation crush rather than build up, the exact
opposite of empowerment. Having a closed boundary around the family to keep others out means
no one in the family dares tell an outsider what goes on inside the family, for this would be
considered a profound act of disloyalty.
Maintaining rigid gender roles within the family that promote male dominance, female
subservience, and authoritarian parenting set up a conspiracy of silence regarding abuse. Power
and fear are tactics used to undermine weaker family members, who are not allowed to question
authority or expose the truth. Family members learn to walk on eggshells, be extremely cautious,
and keep their feelings to themselves. In a large sample surveying 775 female survivors of
childhood sexual abuse, 80% of the subjects also reported emotional and physical intrafamilial
abuse.
Family dynamics included frequent verbal coercion, blaming, making threats, and being
exposed to various acts of physical and sexual violence. While rigid family dynamics can lead to
an extremely harsh reaction to sexuality, the chaotic home is also problematic. Practices in the
home such as vulgar sex talk, erotic suggestions, and sexual innuendos cause discomfort and
confusion. Substance abuse can be part of the chaos, breaking down normal inhibitions and
allowing unacceptable sexual behavior that otherwise would be contained.
Laxness in boundaries leaves children fearful, vulnerable, and unprotected. A
characteristic of abusive family life is emotional disconnection and an inability to empathize.
The father who sexually abuses his children sees them as property. He has little capacity to take
the feelings or wishes of others into account and resorts to controlling, coercing, and seducing
children under his control.
Onset of puberty at a young age, suffering abuse from one’s father or stepfather, repeated
sexual intercourse, and prolonged abuse are factors that contribute to the extensive negative
impact on the victim. The fact that sins are passed from generation to generation can be seen
through studies that show how sexual abuse tends to repeat itself over generations. For instance,
there is a higher prevalence of and more severe childhood sexual abuse reported by sexual
perpetrators when compared to nonsexual offending criminals. During one session, Jennifer
revealed the physical and sexual abuse she had endured as a child by her mother, who had been
sexually and physically abused as a girl by her father and grandfather.
Aunt Mae proudly announced, the buck stops here! She had never laid a hand on her
children, and she promised to spend time in Jennifer’s home to show her how to be close to her
children without repeating the abusive patterns. That day Jennifer broke through the fear and
replaced it with a new picture of family interaction. Creating a safe family environment. Keep
communication paths open so members are free to share their concerns about any sexual
indiscretions.
So often the reason a son or daughter does not disclose sexual information to parents is
out of fear that they will not be believed or that parents will be unable or unwilling to do
anything about the situation. A parent who takes immediate, appropriate action when sexual
issues are disclosed gives children assurance that such matters will be effectively dealt with and
not shoved under the rug. Develop connection through careful listening and appropriate response
to family members’ requests for change. Making needed changes gives family members a sense
of security and empowerment. Love that protects, graces, empowers, and connects promotes
hopeful, healthy sexual relating in family environment.
PROFOUND IMPLICATIONS
Sexual abuse, whether done by a family member or a stranger, whether a single act or
ongoing pattern, cuts to the very core of a person’s soul. The abused person usually develops a
distorted view of sex, has low selfesteem, and becomes mistrustful of adults. Feelings of
worthlessness lead to withdrawal, and distractions to numb the pain can become self-destructive
and self-defeating. Emotional and mental health problems are often the first consequences and
sign of sexual abuse.
The power differential automatically places the child in an out-ofcontrol situation.
Robbed of personal power, the child is at the mercy of the abuser. The effects of childhood abuse
are exemplified in one client’s experience as an adult. All she knew was that she did not want to
open the door and face the person on the other side.
Beneath the external mask she wore in public dwelt a confused, fearful, lonely person.
Ava pretended to be cool, calm, and collected so that no one would discover the truth about her
sexual molestation. She was desperate to find ways to soothe the trembling, injured child within.
Chronic feelings of isolation led to despair and hopelessness.
Like most defenses, such strategies may provide temporary relief, but they also keep a
person frozen in the pain and loneliness. The physical and emotional experiences of childhood
sexual abuse often leave victims wanting to erase themselves from life, as can be seen in the
increased suicide ideation and suicide attempts across their lifespan.
THE ISSUE OF REMEMBERING
In the past, therapists have been under scrutiny for taking early childhood memories of
sexual abuse as fact. Those who have admitted to making false accusations against family
members often later say someone planted the idea in their heads. An ethical therapist listens with
an open mind to help the client discern the truth and never tries to convince, persuade, or draw
conclusions for the client. The main role of the therapist is to create a sanctuary in which
individuals can ultimately tell their stories while seeking wisdom and discernment.
LIVING WITH THE SCARS OF SEXUAL ABUSE
It seems impossible that a young girl could go back to being a normal teenager after such
sexual experiences far beyond her age. Some abuse survivors describe themselves as damaged
goods, recalling how they felt after enduring the sexual abuse. While no one should ever be
labeled as damaged goods, it is understandable why a person would feel this way. She needs a
Christlike presence before which she can share her deep hurts.
Revealing the truth is difficult work, for it brings up primitive, intense emotions. Now
that the sexual abuse is no longer a secret, blame is placed where it belongs. The secret no longer
holds power over the survivor. Remembering eventually releases the destructive impact of the
abuse. Venting the bottled-up feelings releases the rage, which eventually opens up a space for
grieving the deeper emotional pain. When released from the crippling effects of the sexual abuse,
a person is then free to construct a new identity. This old story has a new ending because it no
longer haunts like a ghost from the past. Victory often comes through the help of a professional
therapist, a supportive friend, a small group, and a faith community.
The following story is an example of this kind of healing. Cindy was sexually abused as a
child and desperately sought love and affection from others. Unfortunately, she became stuck in
a continuous pattern of chaotic and destructive relationships. At this point of desperation, she
entered therapy. The first thing Cindy asked was, Will I ever be normal? She certainly had not
lived a normal childhood when compared to her peers, and she began to tell her painful story in
bits and pieces to her therapist. Little by little, Cindy began to trust and felt hopeful for the first
time in years. She could reveal her painful experiences in the context of an unconditional,
committed therapeutic relationship. A year later Cindy met a wonderful man named Geoffrey.
Over time she was able to share her story with him. Geoffrey wisely put the priority on
Cindy as a person. Time in therapy together gave him a deeper understanding of the dynamics of
Cindy’s sexual abuse. The therapist can pace the therapy in ways that are best for the survivor
and the partner, to ensure a successful outcome for the relationship.
A SPIRITUAL MATTER
It should come as no surprise that being sexually abused can include a significant
spiritual dimension, especially when the abuser was a trusted parent, friend, teacher, scout leader,
coach, relative, priest, pastor, or spiritual leader. In such cases the victims internalized
relationship with the divine can be harnessed to the trauma for the rest of their lives. Family
therapist Cloe Madanes addresses the impact of sexual abuse on the family system. She sees
sexual abuse as a spiritual pain in the heart of the child and believes it is necessary to explore the
spiritual implications of this offense with the entire family.
The violation of the sibling covenant requires specific steps to bring about a necessary
healing to that broken relationship. The first and most important step is for the offender to
recognize and admit that he has inflicted a serious spiritual wound on his younger sibling. Only
when the sibling recognizes the deep distortion of his actions can he sincerely ask forgiveness
and confess that he has caused his sibling great harm and suffering. This process of
acknowledging the impact of sexual abuse is done with all family members present.
The family must face destructive patterns of intrusion, domination, and violation and
replace them with constructive patterns of love, protection, and empowerment. The secret of the
abuse must be entirely out in the open so that all family members can recognize what went
wrong and then work together to make things right. Changes in the family environment and
relationship patterns offer hope for a new way of living. Suffice it to say that this person is in
grave need of professional help.
We refer to the work of Terry Hargrave and Franz Pfitzer in their book Restoration
Therapy as a model for healing. Integrity is the key factor in working with both the survivor and
the victimizer. Forgiveness is not possible when love and trustworthiness continue to be violated.
Because the victimizer has been given the opportunity to genuinely ask forgiveness and make
compensation, it is now possible to find a new identity of one who is trustworthy.
OVERCOMING THE PAIN OF THE PAST
Giving yourself permission to express the wrong done during your childhood is a crucial
step because it acknowledges the truth of what happened. Forgiveness does not mean that one
forgets or ignores the impact of being wronged, nor does it release that person from
accountability for their actions. Every step is a gutsy step that moves a person in the direction of
internal change.
The life-changing power of God’s Spirit empowers survivors to move forward with
renewed vigor and purpose. In this chapter we have concentrated on restoring authentic sexuality
where harmful sexual acts have left serious injury.
THE CULTURAL CONTEXT
He found that rape-prone societies promoted a social ideology of male dominance
characterized by high levels of interpersonal and intergroup violence. It is disturbing that the
United States ranks as one of the more rapeprone societies. One in six American women are
victims of sexual assault according to reports by Rape, Abuse, Incest National Network. Rape
has too often been tolerated in cultures where women have little recourse and perpetrators are
treated leniently.
Rape-prone societies tolerate rationalizations for rape, such as viewing it as an act of
punishment or as a demonstration of power and control over women. A closer examination
reveals that rape often occurs as a compensation for an inadequate masculine identity and self-
confidence, and as an act of gratifying oneself at the expense of a less powerful person. Rape can
be understood as reflecting societal attitudes that people have a right to impose their sexuality on
others regardless of their wishes. When coercive sex is sanctioned, violence is a logical end.
The playboy image defines a real man as one who is successful in seducing women.
Accumulated clinical evidence indicates that rape is less an expression of sex than it is of
violence and an extreme expression of male power. In an effort to synthesize, Ellis offers a
biopsychosocial theory of rape, stating, Rape is sexually motivated, not only by the sex drive, per
se, but by the drive to possess and control others to whom one is sexually attracted. Janssen
described a pattern in which rapists were motivated by hostility and the desire to humiliate the
victim through physical dominance and control. When rape is primarily about violence, not sex,
it can be viewed as an act in which sexual organs are the tools of aggression and dominance.
PROFILE OF A RAPIST
The Bureau of Justice Statistics reports that perpetrators of sexual violence are often
serial criminals who have committed other crimes. Feeling themselves to be severely inadequate
sexually and totally unattractive to women, they believe that force is necessary and even
deserved because women reject them. These men are seldom motivated sexually but want to
humiliate and dominate women. It seems most rapists have an aggressive, hostile, and distrustful
view of women.
Researchers found that sexual assault against women is higher after men leave a
relationship. Sexual offenders usually come from inadequate, neglectful, and abusive home
environments, which are lacking in nurture and solid guidance. Most rapists feel weak and
ineffective in relating to women.
In general, the greater the intimacy in a relationship, the less likely one is to resist sexual
advances or view them as a threat. Perhaps most disturbing are the higher rates of involvement
by men in most serious sexual offenses. It appears that men more than women are susceptible to
depersonalized forms of sexual activity. To the extent that real manhood is defined in terms of
sexual conquests and being sexually aggressive, men will continue to struggle with inauthentic
forms of sexual behavior.
Psychopathology theory tends to treat rapists as psychologically maladjusted individuals
who have had unusual childhood experiences. Sexual aggression is understood as developing
primarily within the individual rather than explained by external factors. They act on the myth
that women engage in token resistance, believing that when a woman says no to a sexual
advance, she means yes. In general, males underrate the seriousness of date rape, are more
accepting of sexually aggressive behavior, and are less demanding that aggressors be punished.
Males admit to resorting to deception as a means of gaining sexual favors from a date.
Blaming the victim. Gender is a factor in the tendency to blame the victim, since rape victims are
generally viewed more sympathetically by females than males. Studies comparing male and
female attitudes about sexually aggressive behavior show that males are more prone to blame the
female for the male’s aggressive sexual behavior and view sexual aggression as more excusable
when alcohol is used, when it is part of a long-term relationship, or when a woman is
provocatively dressed.
Another study investigating blame the victim attitudes had subjects read scenarios of a
rape incident where the victim was dressed either somberly or seductively. Whatley found that
males rated the seductively dressed victim more deserving of the attack than females, and those
with traditional attitudes toward marriage were more likely than equalitarians to assign more
victim responsibility and deservingness.
RESPONSE TO THE SURVIVOR
From this point on we use the term survivor to avoid the negative ramifications of being
labeled a victim. And while men also survive rape crimes, the majority of survivors are female,
so we use the female pronoun. Rape survivors all share an overwhelming experience of having
been physically and emotionally violated. Males who have been sexually abused deal with
damaged sexual and masculine identity.
Specialized training is essential in working with rape survivors. Coping after the sexual
assault varies widely. In general, survivors with a history of other traumas, who blame
themselves for the assault, and who used alcohol to cope with the assault cope less well. Positive
factors during recovery are cognitive processing, emotional support from friends and family, and
the presence of social and community support.
Research on posttraumatic stress disorder has been informative in describing the various
emotional phases a survivor is likely to experience. Anger on the part of one who has been
sexually assaulted is a healthy response. The survivor should be able to vent her anger, for she
has been wronged. This is a time when the survivor is acutely preoccupied with the offense, and
these responses can last from a few days to a few months, depending on the seriousness of the
trauma.
Physical reactions such as loss of sleep, eating disturbances, and vaginal irritation or
bleeding are common complaints. Emotional reactions include mood swings, extreme expression
of feelings, and distrust or cautious attitudes toward others. The trauma may express itself in a
phobic reaction, a hatred or extreme fear of men, especially those who possess characteristics
like the rapist. Discussions with those who have been through a similar experience helps
normalize the traumatic feelings, ongoing anxiety, and unexplained reactions.
Counseling for the survivor’s family is also important. Each member is affected by the
offense and needs a place to work out the implications of what has happened. The mother of the
survivor may cry, how could this happen to my child? Although the crisis belongs to the
survivor, family members feel a similar helplessness and have strong emotional reactions as
well. The father or brother of the survivor, for example, may react in a fit of rage and want to
seek revenge.
Though these responses are understandable, more than anything else the survivor needs
the family’s support. A false sense of renewed health will not last long if not all feelings have
been addressed. She needs her family to be by her side, responding in supportive, trustworthy
ways that affirm her process. The husband or boyfriend of the survivor will also have a range of
feelings and reactions about what happened.
Sexual violence may become a crisis of faith for the survivor. A spiritual issue may
center on the survivor trying to make sense of her experience. Why did I have to suffer this
heinous crime? Is there any meaning in this experience for me? When she feels. The fact that the
survivor can shout out her anguish to God means that she believes God is there to hear her cry.
Violence is a grave offense to God. God stands with the survivor in her involuntary suffering. In
the struggle to bring meaning to the experience, she can easily get sidetracked by the negative
beliefs, myths, and stereotypes about women and sexuality.
Referring to the survivor as tainted or ruined brings up negative and shaming
connotations. This is a vital aspect of healing, for it allows the survivor to move on with her life.
It does not mean that the offense is minimized, but the negative effect no longer has the intensity
it once did. She is empowered through the resources of faith, family, friends, and community
who have shown the love of God to her in her time of crisis.
RESPONSE BY THE COMMUNITY
All too often a convicted rapist commits another sexual crime soon after he is released
from jail. Our immediate response is to lock up rapists and throw away the key. Our well-
intentioned motive to protect ourselves and to make society safe from sexual predators is
certainly understandable. Most efforts to change attitudes and behavior of sexually violent men
focus on twelve-step group-based programs.
Research has been done on the sexual arousal patterns of sexually violent men. Rapists
were more aroused by forced sex than non-rapists. They are usually able to perform the
responses of hostile aggression and sexual arousal at the same time, while the majority of males
find these two responses quite incompatible. A variety of treatment programs are offered to
offenders, although the effectiveness of these programs is inconclusive.
Most community programs use a combination of treatment intervention strategies and
accountability procedures. Men with less severe cases of sexual violence may make good
progress with treatment but, like the alcoholic, may be a few steps away from reoffending unless
they stay in treatment. Success is defined as the ability to control one’s behavior by not acting
out inappropriate sexual impulses when they occur. Some prison treatment programs make use of
group sessions in which rape survivors confront rapists to elicit empathy, remorse, and a desire
to take responsibility for their crimes.
The success of such programs is mixed, depending on the severity of the offense and the
response to the treatment. Most date-rape offenders do not have the psychological aberrations of
stranger rapists. In this case, treatment focuses more on educational interventions to change
attitudes about date rape. Based on results of college campus consciousness-raising, mixed-
gender preventive programs are effective.
One such program targeted the commonly held false beliefs that promote or condone
coercive sexual behavior. Digging deeper into the cultural layers of society, we discover
dominant themes of power and control that are especially harmful to women. At the community
level, positive relation centered models of manhood and womanhood are needed. Rape
prevention programs teach women to be assertive since portraying self-confidence and self-
assuredness means they are less likely to be singled out as a victim.
Rapists are more inclined to choose a victim they view as weak and defenseless. At the
more concrete level, self-defense and assertiveness training have been demonstrated as effective
ways of assisting women against sexual aggression. Women with training, more than those
without, were angrier and less afraid at the time of the incident and said that their resistance was
effective in stopping the sexual aggression. When a woman is able to take an assertive stance
toward a sexual aggressor, there is generally less personal harm.
This reiterates the fact that sexually aggressive men are emotionally weak and can
usually be foiled by the presentation of strength. The church can heighten awareness in youth
groups and openly discuss false and destructive sexual beliefs, attitudes, and behaviors. A
holistic response to sexual violence includes concern for the victim, for the behavior of the
offender, and for the community or society in which the offense occurs. Brokenness caused by
sexual violence requires repair that encompasses every aspect of this heinous crime. Sexual
authenticity requires safe interactions that are free of coercion, discrimination, and violence. The
sexual rights of all persons must be respected and protected.
Some would argue that pornography is in the eye of the beholder. This seems to be going
too far, yet labeling anything that is sexually stimulating as pornography is also inaccurate. In
deciphering the difference, a distinction must be made between pornography and erotica.
Although erotica is sexually arousing material, it is not meant to degrade women, men, or
children.
It comes as no surprise that in the last several decades, pornography in the United States
has become more mainstream, more accessible, more phallocentric, and more degrading to
women. These researchers report a significant decrease in both men’s and women’s opposition to
pornography over the past forty years, which suggests a cultural shift toward ‘pornographization’
affecting attitudes. Although men tend to be more accepting and the main consumers of
pornography, media and culture now use fashion ’n’ passion to target women as sexual
consumers. Of mainstream media and the emergence of a more heavily sexualized culture,
women are increasingly targeted as sexual consumers.
AND PORNOGRAPHY
Although it would be helpful to articulate a sharp distinction between pornographic and
erotic sexual materials, this is a more difficult task. It is important to consider both the objective
content of sexual material and the subjective effect the content has on any particular person,
recognizing that the impact of sexual material can be as different as the persons consuming it. In
figure 14.1 the portrayal of sexual content ranges along a continuum from degrading sex, to
dehumanizing sex, to affectionate sex, to committed sex. The shading from dark to light
represents the murky distinction between pornography and eroticism.
One cannot label all works exposing the dehumanizing effects of inauthentic sex as
pornography. Distinguishing whether sexual content is pornographic or erotic is even more
problematic when the purpose of the artist or filmmaker is taken into consideration. Films by
Christian screenwriter and director Paul Schrader such as Taxi Driver, American Gigolo, and
The Pornographer powerfully illustrate the destructiveness of pornography. While some may
consider these films pornographic because of the explicit sexual material, they are among the
most effective anti-pornographic messages produced in popular culture.
Sexually graphic material can expose sexual depravity and at the same time arouse the
sexual appetite. The graphic material depends on its immediate context and on the content of the
film in its entirety, which gives the work meaning. So, while there is a place for depicting the
harmful, degrading effect of pornography, one must recognize that the usefulness of graphic,
realistic depictions of pornography can become lost in the explicit content depicted. People see
and read many things that can be a source of sexual stimulation.
Even an educational documentary condemning sexual abuse may contain material that is
sexually provocative. Regardless of the work’s motive or the truthfulness of the content, it is
difficult to predict the effect of explicit material on any one viewer. Unquestionably, sexually
explicit material, regardless of the context and content, should be restricted to mature viewers,
although we admit that age alone is not a guarantee of psychological or sexual maturity.
INTERNET SEX/CYBERSEX
Easily accessible at home or in the workplace, pornography falls into categories ranging
from erotica to degrading pornography to violent pornography. Women seem to have different
attitudes about porn and tend to judge viewing explicit sexual material as infidelity. Focusing on
male/female differences in consuming internet pornography, Ferree indicates that of the women
who use the internet for sexual means, close to 70% engage in interactive sex. A strong
relationship has been found between the consumption of internet pornography and loneliness,
although it is difficult to know which leads to the other.
Wright found that for unhappy individuals, pornography exposure increased their
proclivity for having casual sex sevenfold. Hypothesizing that persons with weaker social bonds
were more likely to use internet pornography, Stack, Wasserman, and Kern found that users of
the internet for pornography were more likely to have weak ties to religion and lack a happy
marriage. In a study of 359 college men, Tylka found that frequency of viewing pornography
was greatest among men who had a negative view of their own body, uneasiness and avoidance
in dating and romantic relations, and lower emotional well-being. Compulsive cybersex can be
described as a quest for the perfect sexual visualization, only to get disappointed at its fleeting
nature.
Sirianni and Vishwanath note that deficient self-regulation influences habitual online
pornography consumption. When pornography is used addictively to avoid feelings of loneliness,
it only blunts the effect of the wounds.
PORNOGRAPHY AND CHILDREN
Children are targets of internet pornographers. Although there is a lack of good data on
children’s frequency of viewing internet pornography, it is estimated that 90% of youth aged
twelve to eighteen have access to the internet. It could certainly be assumed that children’s
viewing of pornography dramatically increases in correspondence to their sexual awakening
around puberty. Riemersma and Sytsma agree that early exposure to pornographic sexual
material disrupts normal neurochemical, sexual, and social development in youth.
In a rather surprising finding, Price, Patterson, Regreus, and Walley discovered that from
1973 to 2012, relative to the general population, young people’s beliefs about whether
pornography should be illegal have stayed relatively constant over this 40-year period. While
teenage boys are drawn to sexually explicit material, teenage girls are more apt to pursue
interactive ventures and find sexually explicit websites distasteful. Mitchell, Finkelhor, and
Wolak reported that youth aged ten to seventeen were at higher risk of online sexual solicitation
when they were female, using chat rooms, using the internet with a cell phone, talking with
people met online, sending personal information to people met online, talking about sex online,
and experiencing offline physical or sexual abuse.
PORNOGRAPHY
The Commission on Obscenity and Pornography initially reported there was not enough
evidence to support the antisocial effects of pornography. They thought that viewing
pornography may actually serve a cathartic purpose to relieve feelings and desires that could
otherwise lead to acting out harmful offenses. Figure 14.2 represents a summary of the effects of
pornography on the viewer. Most notably the figure traces the procedural effect of viewing
pornography on individuals with sexually aggressive attitudes and behavior.
Attitudes and beliefs before and after the viewing of pornographic material indicated that
viewing pornographic material leads to a more callous attitude about sexual violence toward
women and rape victims. Furthermore, these men admitted they would commit a sexually violent
act if they knew they would not be caught. First, pornography influences sexual arousal. Those
with a healthy psychosexual self-find the dehumanizing aspects of pornography unappealing.
However, consistent viewing of pornography initiates a conditioning process associating sexual
aggression with sexual arousal.
Behavior is influenced and acquired by modeling. In its most aberrant form, a constant
diet of pornography creates a distorted sense of sexuality. When a person is influenced by this
distortion, normal eroticism becomes insufficient for sexual arousal. Since most of the material
cannot be acted out, the viewer must personalize the content to achieve arousal. Application of
this process to pornography suggests that repetitive exposure to sexually aggressive material
against women leads to a desensitizing effect on the viewer. This desensitization process initiates
a rationalization process minimizing the protests of women against sexual aggression of men.
Such rationalizations create the belief that, despite their protests, women desire sexual
aggression. This myth is a familiar and consistent message promoted in pornographic material.
Disinhibition is a result of the conditioning effects and desensitization of sexual
aggression in pornographic material. The disinhibiting effect increases the viewer’s sexually
aggressive attitudes and behavior toward women. Aggressive and coercive sexual materials
depicting women in submissive roles are certainly salient disinhibitors. Decreased inhibition
reinforces a cultural climate that accepts and even promotes sexual aggression toward women
Malamuth, Addison, & Koss, The Commission on Obscenity and Pornography recognizes the
link between pornography and sexually aggressive attitudes toward women.
A meta-analysis of forty-six published studies of the effect of pornography on sexual
aggression, which included a combined sample size of 12,323 persons, provided evidence
confirming the link between increased risk for negative development when exposed to
pornography.
DEPERSONALIZED SEX AND EROTICA
Sexual material can depict selfgratification void of intimate affection. Erotica that
elevates non-personcentered sex creates a climate where sex is a primal physiological drive
rather than a person-centered, relational expression. Depersonalized sex is not central to all
erotica, and some erotic material actually depicts a deeply satisfying person-centered sexual
response. There is a significant amount of erotic material in classic novels, plays, and films
depicting sex within the context of a caring, loving, committed relationship.
A glance, a slight touch, or even the unbuttoning of a blouse can elicit a strong erotic
response. What is wildly erotic to one individual may lack any stimulus for another. A gothic
romance novel may be erotic to a young girl but dull and uninteresting to an older woman. Since
a kiss between a man and a woman is forbidden in some countries, depicting a kiss in a film
could be a powerful erotic stimulus in those cultures.
In addition, honest discernment is helpful in discriminating between the things that direct
us in God’s way and those that do not. Third, the effects of erotica are dependent on the context
of one’s situation. Paul is not saying that these things are not good, but that they are not good for
him. For the Christian, these things may include erotic material.
It is a strong possibility that Paul was specifically addressing the issue of erotica. In the
following verse, Paul writes, but it is not true that the body is for lust. According to Paul, certain
types of erotica may not be wrong in and of themselves. However, the context of the erotica can
determine whether erotic material is healthy or unhealthy.
Paul warns that things such as lust might get such a grip on me that I can’t easily stop
when I want to. A second issue Paul addresses is control. When erotica becomes part of a
personal compulsion, it has an inappropriate degree of control or influence on us and it is outside
of God’s desire for our lives. Paul hints at the addictive danger of eroticism where the
psychological need for erotic material controls the viewer, taking away from the relationship
dynamic of person-centered encounter.
Fourth, we must take caution because erotic content can be seared into the memory. The
images of graphic erotica can be difficult to erase from memory. An erotic memory can flash
into one’s mind at the most inappropriate moments, like videoclip suddenly playing back in the
mind’s eye. A recent client of ours, Brad, told us of the toll that past exposure to erotica was
taking on his sex life with his young bride.
He regrets his decision to watch erotic videos with college mates because some of the
images now haunt him while he is having sex with his wife. When these images replay in Brad’s
mind, it tarnishes his attempts to engage in a fulfilling sexual experience with his wife. Brad was
able to talk openly with his wife about his past and found a men’s support group to keep him
accountable. He chose a renewed vision for loving his wife with his whole heart and mind.
Advancement of Sexual Health in 2004. While some condemn sexual
addiction/compulsion as a moral failing, others view it as a disease. What has emerged over the
past forty years is the recognition that sexual addiction/compulsivity/hypersexuality is a primary,
chronic disease of brain reward, motivation, memory, and related circuitry, with manifestations
along biological, psychological, social, and spiritual domains. Unlike an addiction to alcohol or
another chemical substance, the sexual nature of the struggle affects the very core of the person.
When sexual addiction is labeled as a recurrent failure to control sexual thoughts and
behaviors despite the significant harmful consequences it has on the person and others, it actually
reinforces the notion that the sexual acting-out behavior cannot be controlled. It’s better to say
that persons have a sexual preoccupation or sexual dependency that they can overcome. Whereas
the existence of an addictive personality might be debated, Zuckerman views the frequency of
multiple forms of addiction as evidence for some form of an addictive personality.
FACTORS INVOLVED IN SEXUAL
In speculating about why a person becomes trapped in compulsive/addictive/hypersexual
behaviors, researchers acknowledge possible biological leanings, yet most explanations focus on
sociocultural and family factors. Coleman has documented various types of neuroanatomical
dysregulations that contribute to compulsive sexual behavior. There has been lack of substantial
evidence tying sexual addiction with the neurological system, a known factor in other types of
addition. This changed with a landmark study done at Cambridge University comparing the brain
activity of nineteen self-defined sex addicts with nineteen nonaddicted persons when viewing
pornographic material.
To offer a neurobiological explanation of sexual addition is not to downplay the
importance of psychosocial explanations of such addiction, but to demonstrate that a multitude of
factors can change the neurological system.
