LIBERTY UNIVERSITY SCHOOL OF DIVINITY
Informed Understanding of Premarital and Marital Counseling
Submitted to Dr. David W. Hirschman
in partial fulfillment of the requirements for the completion of
PACO 835
Initial Understanding of Premarital and Marital Counseling
by
Steven W. Bell
June 28, 2020
A Definition of Premarital and Marital Counseling
Beginning in Genesis and continuing through many scriptural passages, the Bible reveals
that God views marriage as necessary and a central role in the proliferation of the Kingdom of
God. God’s design for marriage has a clear, unassailable purpose. That purpose of marriage
enlarges and expands the Kingdom of God. For many, the purpose of marriage services the
needs of the couple in their pursuit of happiness. Premarital and marital counseling realigns the
couple with God’s purposes while equipping them with the necessary tools for a healthy
marriage. One such tool for couples to learn is accountability and interdependence.1 Couples
learn that marriage creates an opportunity for reciprocal relationships to form.
In premarital and marital counseling, couples discover that marriage involves mutual
influence and emotional support.2 By contrast, cohabitation maintains individualism and
independence from their partner, which becomes counterproductive within the relationship. The
support established in the marriage benefits the couple in many ways. One such benefit,
according to Waite and Gallagher, revealed that non-married people have a higher mortality rate
than the married.3 In other words, couples discover that being married increases the quality of
the couple’s lives. Additionally, Waite and Gallagher highlight happier lives and sexual
intimacy.
Whereas society devalues marriage while viewing the institution of marriage as a matter
of personal lifestyle choice, counseling permits the couple to discover the value and benefits of
marriage. Throughout the sessions, the counselor should provide sufficient data to share with
couples as they journey together. Often, couples focus on inadequacies, the lack of healthy
1 Linda J. Waite and Maggie Gallagher, in The Case for Marriage: Why Married People Are Happier,
Healthier, and Better off Financially (New York, NY: Broadway Books, 2001), p. 54.
2 Les and Leslie Parrott. Saving Your Marriage Before it Starts. (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2015), p, 56
3 Linda J. Waite and Maggie Gallagher, in The Case for Marriage: Why Married People Are Happier,
Healthier, and Better off Financially (New York, NY: Broadway Books, 2001), p. 47.
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marriages in their families, or the cultural view of marriage rather than how their life together
enhances. Yet, couples need to understand that blissful marriage does not occur without effort.
The Parrotts assert that “Every successful marriage is the result of the two people working
diligently and skillfully to cultivate their love. When they combine passion, intimacy, and
commitment, they can grow a flourishing, healthy marriage.”4 Helping couples understand that a
healthy marriage requires intentional effort.
The counselor, through premarital and marital counseling, equips the couple to define a
shared vision of marriage. Quoting Proverbs 29:18, “Where there is no vision, the people
perish”(KJV), Worthington challenges the counselor to emphasize the necessity of fleshing out
the couple’s vision for the marriage.5 A vision keeps the couple from drifting into other
priorities that may attempt to redefine their vision of marriage. Therefore, vision provides a
compass for the relationship to navigate through the murky waters of life. Revisiting the vision
prevents the vision from leaking and realigns priorities.
The Place of Premarital and Marital Counseling in General Life
The place of premarital and marital counseling in general life serves as a form of therapy
to assist couples with the tools for a successful marriage. Counselors must confront the post-
modern narrative that no view marriage as a necessary, universal human institution. For most
couples, their first in-depth study of what it means to be a Godly husband and a Godly wife can
minimize unhappiness. Les and Leslie Parrott address the differences between men and women
that can be overwhelming. There is so much misinformation about this topic that many couples
find the truth quite a relief! When couples understand that the objective of marriage is not
4 Les and Leslie Parrott. Saving Your Marriage Before it Starts. (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2015), p, 82
5 E.L. Worthington. Hope Focused Marriage Counseling. (Downers Grove: Intervarsity Press, 2005), p. 120
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happiness but God’s purpose of kingdom expansion. To mitigate misperception, the Parrotts
advises the couple to understand the differences by seeing the other’s perspective.
Challenges within any relationship present are typical. However, couples discover the
possibility of change through approaches such as hope-focused practices rather than problem-
focused methodology. What makes brief therapy different from other forms of treatment is the
focus on specific difficulty and direct intervention. Therefore, brief therapy focuses on the now
and hope rather than problems. Brief therapy focuses on finding solutions, which significantly
enhances the couple’s ability to navigate obstacles.
Many couples find it challenging to communicate effectively. Therefore, helping couples
communicate and understand their expectations minimizes the breakdown in communication.
Communication within the relationship is vital to the development of their relationship.
Worthington stresses that a lack of love underlies.6 Considering so many couples have
misinformation regarding love, providing the couple with a biblical definition should challenge
the couple to think soberly as they practice love towards each other. The lack of love can lead to
affairs by either husband or wife and or disaffection. Clinton and Trent describe disaffection as
the negative transformation of marital love and commitment – the process by which love grows
cold, and the desire to leave the marriage or hurt one’s spouse replaces former love.7 The lack of
love may affect how family members see each other. Therefore, Figueroa emphasizes that the
counselor must teach family members through scripture to see one another as a blessing while
accepting one another as unique individuals.8 Better communication allows the couple to hear
the needs of each other.
6 E.L. Worthington. Hope Focused Marriage Counseling. (Downers Grove, IL: Intervarsity Press, 2005), p.
64
7 T. Clinton and J. Trent. The Quicke Reference Guide to Marriage & Family Counseling. (Grand Rapids, MI:
Baker Books, 2009). Kindle Location 1456
8 P. J. Henry, L.M. Figueroa, and D.R. Miller. The Christian Therapist Notiebook. (New York, NY: Routledge,
2012), 170
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For many, seeking marriage or currently married, understanding each other’s needs often
go ignored.IIWomen need to be cherished, known, respected, while men need admiration,
autonomy, and activity. Les and Leslie describe what unhappy couples do wrong and how to
fight a good fight.IIAs they stated, misunderstanding is a natural part of marriage.9 It is not a
surprise that couples have conflict when there are two sinners and two perspectives, the bride and
groom. Therefore, conflict is inevitable.IIConflict resolution becomes growth opportunities for
the couple.IIFighting a good fight according to the Parrotts include: don’t run from strife, choose
your battles carefully, define the issue clearly, state your feelings directly, rate the intensity of
your feelings, give up putdowns, and don’t dwell on downers.IIHowever, conflict resolution is
not quickly resolved, but a couple’s efforts heighten their ability to overcome conflict.
Figueroa offers a practice to help the couple better understand the journey of marriage.
The “Journey of Transformation” aid the couple through unhealthy communication patterns by
utilizing roleplaying to teach healthy communication.10 Greater capacity to communicate creates
a deeper, intimate relationship—a relationship that is life-giving and soul-nourishing.
The Place of Premarital and Marital Counseling in Pastoral Ministry
Premarital and marital counseling is an essential practice in pastoral ministry. Scripture
teaches that Adam did not take a wife; instead, he received one from God. The pastor peers
through the lens that marriage is permanent. Effective counseling discerns where potential
hindrances lie through assessments performed with the couple. After the evaluation, the
counselor provides feedback to the couple. Assessment and insight grant the counselor content
for the reorientation of establishing new norms. Homework given to the couples fortifies new
practices to replace old ones.
9 Les and Leslie Parrott. Saving Your Marriage Before it Starts. (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2015), p, 82
10 P. J. Henry, L.M. Figueroa, and D.R. Miller. The Christian Therapist Notiebook. (New York, NY:
Routledge, 2012), p. 166
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The client-therapist relationship is vital to marital counseling. Each therapy promotes a
reciprocal relationship where trust between client and therapist is imperative. Each client-
therapist relationship requires adequate time to develop the relationship and understand each
other’s context before any application. Empathy is integral to this understanding between the
client and the therapist. Through this relationship, the couple would better understand how
interventions contribute to their goals.11 Pastoral counselors must leverage the one-on-one
sessions to move the client towards more openness, greater self-trust, more willingness to evolve,
and a tendency to live by the standards he or she espouses to.
The therapist’s objective is to promote hope throughout the therapy sessions while
teaching the couple a strategy by which to live.12 Worthington emphasizes that the counselor can
promote hope by showing the partners that change is possible.13 Additionally, the
implementation of discipleship supports spiritual maturity within marriage, and the opposite is
true. Failure to encourage spiritual formation is a serious Christian problem.14 Therefore,
spiritual formation begins with spiritual rebirth, renewal of mind, and redemption of lost time.
From there, the formation of spiritual identity becomes forged through the relationships within
the body of Christ. The therapist and client relationship then are not about behavioral
modification. Life change is more than behavioral modification but a change in world view.
Pastoral counseling has long been relationship-centered because of the function of the
pastor. Scripture parallels the role of a pastor to shepherds called to oversee, guide, protect, and
provide for the sheep. Scripture reveals harsh criticism and condemnation of shepherds that
poorly execute their duty. Psalm 23 outlines the function of a good shepherd who leads sheep to
11 E.L. Worthington. Hope Focused Marriage Counseling. (Downers Grove, IL: Intervarsity Press, 2005), p.
25
12 Ibid, 36
13 Ibid, 38
14 Ibid, 45
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a place of respite, restoration, care, and comfort. The experience with the shepherd rewards the
sheep with renewed hope and assurance.
The Place of Premarital and Marital Counseling in Marriage Relationships
The responsibility of spiritual formation rests upon the entire church. Therefore, healthy
marriages serve a pivotal role in the multiplication of healthy marriages. The pastoral ministry,
with the aid of healthy marriages, reflects the mission of God. The mission of God is God’s
effort to reconciling relationships through the transformative power of the Gospel. Gospel-
centered marriages serve as change-agents of lives, communities, and everything associated with
the life of the couple.
Waite and Gallagher highlight five myths that attempt to erode the institution of
marriage. Myth five describes marriage as a “private matter, an affair of the heart between two
adults, in which no outsider… should be allowed to interfere.”15 By contrast, God established for
himself, a new community that is radically different from what this post-modern culture defines
as a community. God’s definition of community involves an attitude of caring and sharing to
ensure that each person receives what is due to them. Post-modern culture defines community
through the rose-colored lenses of social media that proliferates artificial relationships.
Therefore, deep and meaningful relationships are limited due to a lack of human-to-human
interactions. By definition, the culture reinforces the hyper-individualistic lifestyles that have
become the norm. Kingdom marriages within the church fill a critical void created by the hyper-
busy society.
The Danger of a Lack of Premarital and Marital Counseling preparation in Pastoral
Counseling
15 Linda J. Waite and Maggie Gallagher, in The Case for Marriage: Why Married People Are Happier,
Healthier, and Better off Financially (New York, NY: Broadway Books, 2001), p. 26.
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The danger of the lack of premarital and marital counseling through pastoral counseling
significantly compromises the viability of marital relationships. Couples would not have the
tools necessary to navigate their relationship effectively. For example, separation can be a tool
to develop a relationship. Separation should not be viewed as a phase of divorce. As a pastoral
counselor, divorce should be considered a failure of marital counseling.16 Separation becomes a
cooling-off period for the couple to recalibrate. Worthington asserts that the goal of hope-
focused marriage counseling is to strengthen marriages and reduce divorce.17 Clients discover
the possibility of change through hope-focused rather than problem-focused methodology.
Personal Application
The integration of hope-focused or brief therapy presents a unique opportunity to reshape
the trajectory of many relationships. Shifting from problem-centric solutions to hope-centric
solutions reduces the paralysis of counseling. The challenge of problem-centric counseling is the
inherent, never-ending problems. Naturally, problems within any relationship is a given and can
not be expunged. However, shifting the focus to hopeful outcomes reorients the couple to
favorable conditions. Hope is a characteristic akin to the Christian faith.
In addition to providing hopeful expectations, highlighting the benefits of marriage
should promote new hopes. Emphasizing that marriage is intended to be a safe place where both
husband and wife benefit, emotionally, physically, and financially. If any inequities persist in the
marriage, it must be confronted and resolved through open, honest dialogue. Counseling helps
the couple to discover enhanced sexual relations resulting from interdependence and
communication that deepen the couple’s level of intimacy, thus producing a more fulfilling
16 E.L. Worthington. Hope Focused Marriage Counseling. (Downers Grove, IL: Intervarsity Press, 2005), p.
21
17 Ibid, 18
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experience. As the Parrotts affirm, faithfulness to each other can only be sustained by God’s
model of faithfulness. Intimacy and fidelity are ingredients to satisfaction within marriage.18
Lastly, reinforcing communication as a cornerstone of a healthy marriage is imperative.
Clinton and Trent point to poor communication, unresolved conflict, and/or unrealistic
expectations leading to marital dissatisfaction are key reasons for extramarital affairs.19
Therefore, helping couples communicate and understand their expectations reduce the
breakdown in communication while fostering healthy expressions of love and intimacy.
18 Les and Leslie Parrott. Saving Your Marriage Before it Starts. (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2015), p,
199
19 T. Clinton and J. Trent. The Quicke Reference Guide to Marriage & Family Counseling. (Grand Rapids,
MI: Baker Books, 2009). Kindle, Loc. 404
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Bibliography
Clinton, Tim, PhD and Trent, John, PhD.IThe Quick – Reference Guide to Marriage & Family
Counseling: 40 Topics, Spiritual Insights & Easy – to – use Action Steps. Grand Rapids,
MI: Baker Books, 2009.
Henry, Phillip J., PhD, Figueroa, Lorie Marie, MS, Miller, David R., and Associates.' The
Christian Therapist’s Notebook: Homework, handouts, and Activities for Use in Christian
Counseling.I New York, NY: Routledge Taylor and Francis Group, 2007.
Parrott, Les & Parrott Leslie, PhD.IISaving Your Marriage Before It Starts: Seven Questions to
Ask Before – and After – You Marry.'INewly Expanded Edition. Grand Rapids, MI:
Zondervan, 2015.
Waite, Linda J., and Maggie Gallagher. The Case for Marriage: Why Married People Are
Happier, Healthier, and Better off Financially. New York, NY: Broadway Books, 2001.
Worthington Jr., Everett L., Jr.IHope- Focused Marriage Counseling, A Guide to Brief
TherapyI(Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press, 1999.
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