Highlighted Moments
The Wreck
One of the biggest moments in my life that was influencing was when my best friend,
Ashley, died. We had previously dated and decided to break up because of having too close of a
friendship. As we moved on, we became closer friends. On January 10, 2004, I received the call
that she had passed away. She had started dating a guy that was an alcoholic and they had been
drinking on the night of January 9th. They decided to go to the store, got on the motorcycle and
left. The driver lost control of the motorcycle, Ashley was knocked off and hit a tree, then the
motorcycle hit her, and he hit the motorcycle on top of her, killing her instantly. At this moment
in my life, I was in the Adolescence stage of Erikson’s Stages of Development.1 Considering I
was dealing with “Identity vs. Role- Confusion”2 according to Erikson, I did in fact struggle with
role issues. It was not until later in my life I began to deal with my own personal identity.
The Meeting
The second biggest moment of my life was when I met my current wife again. We had
dated in high school and split up. During this split-up time, I dated the girl mentioned in the
previous moment. I was 23 years old when we met up again and started dating. After meeting up
again, we started going to church with one of her friends and this ultimately led to me returning
to church. She taught me that I was allowed to be me and that I was appreciated. She taught me
that I was loved and was able to receive love. In dealing with this stage of my life, I was in the
“Young Adulthood”3 stage. Going through this stage, I was dealing with “Intimacy vs.
1 Patti Hinkley, April Crable, Jama Davis, and Anita Kuhnley. Counseling Women; Evidence- Based Treatment with
Faith Integration. Dubuque: Kendall Hunt Publishing Company, 2021.154.
2 Ibid.
3 Ibid.
1
Isolation.”4 This was a struggle that became much easier and so far, there has not been any
developmental task not successfully resolved during this phase. I have many friends; I am
married with children and pastor a church. All tasks have been completed.
The Rescue
This final influential moment discussed; I believe has become the highlight of who I am.
On August 10, 2010, I gave my heart to Jesus. My wife volunteered us to attend church with one
of her co-workers. As we arrived, we noticed it was a Church of God, to which my wife had
sworn of Pentecostal churches. However, her friend was standing out front so instead of
continuing to back out, she pulled back into the parking spot. We attended service that day. The
pastor was preaching and I was convicted. During the altar call, he could see I was fighting and
came up to me. He stood on the seat in front of me, gave me a hug, and said “God loves you no
matter what.” That day I gave my life to Christ. This has become the hallmark of who I am
because I have spent the rest of my life working toward helping others find Him. During this
time in my life, I was still struggling with the “Young Adulthood”5 stage. Going through this
stage, I was dealing with “Intimacy vs. Isolation”6 problems. At this time, there was nothing left
undone regarding meeting the ‘checkboxes” for moving to another stage.
Homing in on Death
In dealing with notably one of the biggest moments of my life, the struggle of dealing
with her death was one of which I had never dealt with. Digging in research a little deeper on
death and hurt, I found the article: “Grief and Mourning Gone Awry: Pathway and Course of
4 Ibid.
5 Ibid.
6 Ibid.
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Complicated Grief.”7 The article defines the differences between bereavement, grief, and
mourning. In addition, there much discussion on the effects of grief in a persona and the lasting
impact of not dealing with grief or bereavement. It gets into further discussion on complicated
grief which is “chronic impairing form of grief brought about by interference with the healing
process.”8 Through defining and laying characteristics of grief, mourning, and bereavement, the
author produces a foundation on which she produces healthy coping mechanisms and processes
to successfully navigate through the trauma of loss and defining where medical treatment is
needed.
With me going through the stages of grief in addition to the stages of development at this
point in my life, this complication could have impacted my ability to process through the
bereavement. I agree there should be a definitive transition of healing however, in light of my
own experiences, I can also see where this would be a hard concept for someone dealing with
loss to experience.
According to an article by Colin Parkes, “We can often reassure them [bereaved
survivors] of the normality of grief, explain its symptoms, and show by our own behavior and
attitudes that it is permissible to express grief.”9 The need to express grief also shows further that
we are created “imago dei,” in the image of God.10 The writer of Genesis explains: “And God
said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness:” (Gen. 1:26, KJV). This means we are
created to be emotional and relational people. God created us to have emotions and they are
normal and healthy to have. However, when they become unhealthy, a struggle pursues.
7 M. Katherine Shear. "Grief and Mourning Gone Awry: Pathway and Course of Complicated Grief." National
Library of Medicine, 2012: 119-128.
8 Ibid.
9 Colin Murray Parkes. "Coping with Loss; Bereavement in Adult life." British Medical Journal, 1998: 856–859.
10 This is an essay I have had to previously write about which has been posted and can be found at:
https://savedand4givenblog.wordpress.com/2017/10/25/living-imago-dei/
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If I had a client or parishioner come into my office experiencing this same loss and
struggling at the same age, I would definitely incorporate steps from the presented eight- week
program of dealing with grief as presented by Harvard Medical School in their article “How to
Overcome Grief’s Health-damaging Effects.”11 Not all steps are approved by Christians but they
present activities that teach your mind to relax, “healthy dieting, sleep hygiene, physical training,
maintaining health, taking new responsibilities, and reaching out a social circle.”12 In each of
these writings, I would pull from the best items and leave those things which are not biblical out
of the realm of possibility. Bringing things like yoga into a Christians life may present more
problems but I do believe there are aspects of mindfulness that are biblical items as well.
“Managing Stress is one of the greatest challenges of our days and dealing with it is a skill which
takes great significant practice.” 13 In her podcasts, a friend of mine named Dr. Janell MacAulay
shares valuable techniques and practices to get people to function in various situations. As a
mindfulness advocate, Dr. MacAulay offers many techniques that help people deal with stressful
times in life. Although I do not agree with everything she teaches (very much from a secular
standpoint), she does offer techniques that provide help.
If I think back on strengths and weaknesses that I have developed through my life that
could help or hinder in counseling others, I believe the biggest influence from my life is where I
began to rely on God for helping me through situations rather than trying to do it on my own.
This has become a huge strength in my life. I deal with problems like everyone else but relying
on God has made it substantially easier to pull through. Learning to spend adequate time in
prayer has allowed me to see where no matter what situation I encounter, good or bad, God has
11 Harvard Medical School. "How to Overcome Grief’s Health-damaging Effects." Harvard Health Publishing.
February 15, 2021. https://www.health.harvard.edu/mind-and-mood/how-to-overcome-griefs-health-damaging-
effects (accessed September 8, 2022).
12 Ibid.
13 Jannell Macaulay. Command your Mindset. 2022. https://jannellmacaulay.com/ (accessed September 8, 2022).
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the best in mind for me. “For I know the plansLI have for you,” declares theLLORD, “plans to
prosperLyou and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.L12Then you will callLon me
and come and prayLto me, and I will listenLto you.L13You will seekLme and find me when you
seek me with all your heart.” (Jer. 29:11-13, NIV). With weaknesses, I have struggled and been
diagnosed with PTSD because of Afghanistan deployments. This has also created a weakness in
how I am mentally capable of processing stress. Therefore, it has become more imperative that I
rely on God to get me through the things I deal with. Dealing with death in my past and
struggling to come through allows me a springboard to be able to help others. Therefore, I
believe this is the biggest strength I found in my life, being able to guide others to Christ.
Struggles are very real. Dealing with grief and bereavement are very real. There is no
doubt that some things I have dealt with will inevitably come up when dealing with others and it
may open wounds, however, I will resort to those things I know work, namely: faith, hope, and
love.
5
Bibliography
Harvard Medical School. "How to Overcome Grief’s Health-damaging Effects." Harvard Health
Publishing. February 15, 2021. https://www.health.harvard.edu/mind-and-mood/how-to-
overcome-griefs-health-damaging-effects (accessed September 8, 2022).
Hinkley, Patti, April Crable, Jama Davis, and Anita Kuhnley. Counseling Women; Evidence-
Based Treatment with Faith Integration. Dubuque: Kendall Hunt Publishing Company,
2021.
Macaulay, Jannell. Command your Mindset. 2022. https://jannellmacaulay.com/ (accessed
September 8, 2022).
Parkes, Colin Murray . "Coping with Loss; Bereavement in Adult life." British Medical Journal,
1998: 856–859.
Shear, M. Katherine. "Grief and Mourning Gone Awry: Pathway and Course of Complicated
Grief." National Library of Medicine, 2012: 119-128.
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