What are your thoughts and strategies for promoting forgiveness in the marital relationship? Within your
answer, provide a respectful critique of forgiveness as either a primarily emotion-based or cognitive-
based process.
Submit your thread by 11:59 p.m. (ET) on Thursday and submit your replies by 11:59 p.m. (ET) on
Sunday.
What strategies and thoughts do you have to help promote forgiveness in marriages?
Provide a critique of forgiveness as either a primarily emotion-based or cognitive based
process. Make sure to include Scriptures to support your points.
The thread is due on Thursday and the two replies are due on Sunday.
Marriage is difficult and one of the biggest reasons is we tend to hurt the ones we love the most.
Worthington put it best when explained that it is inevitable that in marriage, we will hurt one
another at some point. Words are dangerous and do hurt but Worthington also explained that
reconciliation is necessary if a marriage is going to grow and continue to thrive. Ephesians 4:29
says “Watch the way you talk. Let nothing foul or dirty come out of your mouth. Say only what
helps, each word a gift” (Message Version). We have a choice to speak life or death, but we also
must choose forgiveness. Forgiveness is more than an emotion; it is an act of our will. We may
not feel true forgiveness at the moment but if we take the time to pray and speak forgiveness
over someone our emotions will eventually line up with our actions. It is not easy, but it is
possible. Forgiveness requires contemplation, reasoning and an altruistic act. The Bible says in
Romans 12:21 tells us to overcome evil with good. Worthington explains that "Empathy is one of
the keys to forgiveness. In fact, empathy is one of the keys to love" (Worthington, 2005 p. 137).
The video explained that confession is important for forgiveness in marriage. Out of confession
reconciliation can occur. Sometimes the hardest words to say is “I’m sorry” yet it can be the
most healing words when said in sincerity. The problem is to say it, a person needs to be
preferring the other person over themselves and get out of the idea that they are right or wrong,
but to out of love apologizing even to the perception that they did something wrong. If a person
is the one that actually caused the pain, they must let go of their justification and right to do what
they did so they can recognize the pain they caused. I’m sorry, is hard to say but worth the
effort.
When looking at strategies for working with a couple, Worthington recommends that you remind
a couple that the purpose and goal is the restoration of their marriage. It is important to remind
them that the hurt cannot be minimized, and they must utilize empathy and recognition while
looking at the incident that caused the hurt. Remind them of how they have forgiven in the past.
Then it is so important to use words to express forgiveness. Lastly it is important to discuss how
they will walk in forgiveness in their marriage.
Lastly, it is so important to remember how much Jesus forgave all of us. He says, “For if you
forgive others for their transgressions, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do
not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive your transgressions” (Matthew 6:14-15,
NASB).
Reference
Worthington, E. L. (2005). Hope-focused marriage counseling: A guide to brief therapy.
Downers Grove, IL: IVP Academic.
PACO 615 Video. (2019) "Addressing Confession, Forgiveness, and Reconciliation in Marriage"
(Video). Retrieved on 9/19/19 from Liberty Blackboard Website at:
https://learn.liberty.edu/webapps/blackboard/content/listContent.jsp?course_id=_532373
_1&content_id=_33254096_1
Brian,
Thank you for your post, the Bible is a strong tool in our hands to help people when they are in
any type of a crisis. You pointed out that when it is just an emotional based process, we focus on
protecting ourselves and wanting vengeance. One thing else that I think is important when
looking at forgiveness. Is looking at the couples and where they come from. For example, I grew
up in a Christian home, we asked for forgiveness pretty easily overall. My husband grew up in
an abusive, extremely dysfunctional home where you never apologized for anything because it
was a sign of weakness and destroyed the authority of a man. Our first few years of marriage
were very difficult; I was the only one who ever sought forgiveness because of the brokenness
that he experienced. God has done a lot of healing in that area now. Worthington put it best
when explained that it is inevitable that in marriage, we will hurt one another at some point and
especially if you are broken. We have heard the statement broken people hurt people. The key
to walking this out is forgiveness. It has to be more than just an emotional based process, it must
be an act of our will also and the allowance of the Holy Spirit to really work in our hearts both
for us and our spouse. I learned something today at church and it was every time we go into a
confrontation; we have an inward story that we are telling ourselves. The same thing is true
when you are in a marriage and you need to ask for forgiveness or forgive, what is the inward
story we are telling ourselves before we go into the situation because that is the base on when we
which our conversation will be played out.
Thank you again for your post, it was excellent.
Ness
Reference
Worthington, E. L. (2005). Hope-focused marriage counseling: A guide to brief therapy.
Downers Grove, IL: IVP Academic.
Ashely,
Thank you for your post. It was great. The process of thinking through how to help couples
promote forgiveness in their marriage you presented was logical and empathy is important to the
process. Even our reading we were reminded that “empathy is one of the keys to love"
(Worthington, 2005 p. 137). I once had someone tell me to seek first to understand before being
understood. It has really stopped me in my tracks on many occasions to make sure that I am
understanding where the other person is coming from before trying to present my own case to be
understood. My husband is an amazing man who came from a huge mess of a family. When we
would disagree, he would resort to using the most hurtful words to just hurt me rather than
working through and getting a resolution. It took a while, help from the Holy Spirit to stop and
remember he learned to fight in an abusive, aggressive, verbally abusive family situation and he
needed to learn to fight fair. I came away many times licking my wounds so to speak and
wondering if I could every make it a year of marriage. I am happy to say we are going on
thirteen, thanks to the grace of God but it was because me first had to lay down my guard and
through prayer and example teach him to lay down his and walk in forgiveness. His family holds
grudges forever, my family that was unheard of so forgiveness is something we had to work
through early. He got some counseling and we started doing better. Understanding the
brokenness of yourself and your significant other is so important. Then learning to confess your
brokenness is important as well. The video explained that confession is important for forgiveness
in marriage. Out of confession reconciliation can occur. Sometimes the hardest words to say is
“I’m sorry” yet it can be the most healing words when said with sincerity. Forgiveness is more
than an emotion; it is an act of our will. We may not feel true forgiveness at the moment but if
we take the time to pray and speak forgiveness over someone our emotions will eventually line
up with our actions. It is a process that needs to be walked out in every marriage, learning to
walk in forgiveness even when our emotions do not show it. Learning to walk in empathy so we
seek to understand before being understood.
Thank you again for your post.
Ness
Reference
Worthington, E. L. (2005). Hope-focused marriage counseling: A guide to brief therapy.
Downers Grove, IL: IVP Academic.
PACO 615 Video. (2019) "Addressing Confession, Forgiveness, and Reconciliation in Marriage"
(Video). Retrieved on 9/19/19 from Liberty Blackboard Website at:
https://learn.liberty.edu/webapps/blackboard/content/listContent.jsp?course_id=_532373
_1&content_id=_33254096_1
One of the interesting things was from Clinton and Langberg (2011) when they explained that
women are more likely to experience clinical depression as men and is often misdiagnosed as
anxiety (Clinton & Langberg, P. 82-83). A few years ago, I went to the doctor he asked me what
anti-depressants I have been on. I explained that I had not been on any. He was shocked that a
woman my age had never been on anti-depressants. It was odd to me as I never considered that
so many people needed them and especially women on a regular basis. Weiss also commented
that depression and anxiety are more significantly found in women (Weiss et al. 2016). Hislop
(2010) explained that it is the number one disability in women (p.11).
When discussing Nicole, one thing that would be first after I reviewed her preliminary
paperwork, would be to review the medications that she is currently on to make sure there are not
side effects amplifying her situation. She would need a through physical from her doctor to rule
out anything else that could be going on. We would also discuss diet, exercise, sleep, friendships
and church attendance. We would discuss her relationship with God and how his plans for her
are for good and not harm (Jeremiah 29:11). We would also discuss her though life, what does
she focus on and meditate on regularly. We are reminded in the Bible “Finally, brethren,
whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely,
whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on
these things (Philippians 4:8). The mind is a battlefield and it is important to watch your though
life. “For those who are according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but
those who are according to the Spirit, the things of the Spirit. For the mind set on the flesh is
death, but the mind set on the Spirit is life and peace (Romans 8:5-6). We learned that
depression could come from many different things like death or loss of someone, changing of
jobs, various forms of emotional pain or job loss (Fitzpatrick, 2010m p. 114). It is important to
find out what is going on and I would include journaling. This helps her understand what she is
thinking and feeling as well as myself, to see what is going on. God is more than able to help in
times of trouble and can sustain you in the middle of any storm no matter how much it feels like
life is going to crush you and understanding the He is there with you through it can offer hope.
References
Hislop, B. (2010). Shepherding women in pain: Real women, real issues, and what you need to
know to truly help. Chicago, IL: Moody Publishers.
Fitzpatrick, E. (Ed.). (2010). Women counseling women Biblical answers to life’s difficult
problems. Eugene, OR: Harvest House Publishers.
Clinton, T., & Langberg, D. (2011). The quick-reference guide to counseling women: 40 topics,
spiritual insights and easy-to-use action steps. Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Books.
Liberty University Presentation, Anxiety /Depression Disorders
Lamar,
Thank you for your post it is very logical and thought out. Depression and anxiety are very real
and devastating if not kept in check. Being a wife and mother with our goals being to make sure
everyone is doing ok, can take its toll and especially if you are isolated. Encouraging her to go
to a small group was a great idea. Having been a part of one in the past it gives you children
someone to play with and you get to actually have adult conversations with other women who
are in the throws of motherhood as well. One of the things that we learned is that depression
could come from many different things like death or loss of someone, changing of jobs, various
forms of emotional pain or job loss (Fitzpatrick, 2010m p. 114). Change is something constant
in a woman’s life and can at times make her feel out of control which is the one of the things that
woman really like to feel is in control. The second is security, so if things are crazy for a period
it can cause her anxiety to go high and if not careful can sink into depression. The verse in
Matthew 11:28-30 is an excellent verse. I also think that “Finally, brethren, whatever is true,
whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of
good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things
(Philippians 4:8). Is another good verse so that you can help her understand that her thoughts
and the battle she is facing in her mind is important to address.
Thank you for your post.
Ness
References
Fitzpatrick, E. (Ed.). (2010). Women counseling women Biblical answers to life’s difficult
problems. Eugene, OR: Harvest House Publishers.
Dario,
Thank you for your post. One of the things that you stated is that she needs to understand who
she is in Christ. Many people do not understand who they are in Christ and many do not give
themselves any grace or forgiveness when things are crazy. It is so easy to get caught up and not
giving ourselves grace to mess up and forgiving ourselves when we make a mistake.
Forgiveness when we do not live up to what we think we should be doing is a huge deal in many
women’s lives. It is easy for us to forgive others and not so much ourselves. Forgiveness is more
than an emotion; it is an act of our will. We may not feel true forgiveness at the moment but if
we take the time to pray and speak forgiveness over someone and even ourselves our emotions
will eventually line up with our actions. I believe it would be important to try and figure out
where this is stemming from so that the issue might be addressed and worked through to allow
her to walk in peace and understanding. It is important because Hislop (2010) explained that it is
the number one disability in women (p.11). God has a plan and purpose for her, Jeremiah 29:11
reminds us that it is for good and not harm. This overwhelming anxiety and depression is not
what God has for her at all but rather for good things. Helping her find this is what as a
counselor, I would want to do.
Thank you for your post.
Ness
References
Hislop, B. (2010). Shepherding women in pain: Real women, real issues, and what you need to
know to truly help. Chicago, IL: Moody Publishers.
