By
Carley B. Moore
PACO 500
Introduction to Pastoral Counseling
LIBERTY UNIVERSITY
JOHN W. RAWLINGS SCHOOL OF DIVINITY
Practical Book Review
Review of Why Don’t We listen Better? By James C. Petersen
Submitted to Dr. Mario Garcia
in partial fulfillment of the requirements for the completion of
2
April 4, 2021
Contents
SUMMARIZE!...........................................................................................................................1
RESPOND!...............................................................................................................................3
THE ME I SEE NOW...............................................................................................................3
REFLECT!..................................................................................................................................4
THE ME I WANT TO SEE SOON!.............................................................................................4
ACT!........................................................................................................................................5
BECOME THE ME I WANT TO BE!...........................................................................................5
Bibliography............................................................................................................................6
1
1
Peterson, James C., Why Don’t We Listen Better? Communicating and Connecting in Relationships.
(Portland, OR: Peterson Publications, 2015), 20-21.
2
Ibid 22
3
Ibid 61
SUMMARIZE!
Why Don’t We Listen Better? Communicating & Connecting in Relationships by James
C. Peterson is a book written for all people who want to become better communicators. This
book is full of techniques and exercises to help individuals become better listeners, which then
leads to them being better communicators. Dr. Peterson breaks his book into three major
sections: Options for Communicating, The Talker-Listener Process, and Advanced Listening
Techniques and Philosophy. Within these three major sections he lists 33 techniques to help the
reader listen better while also listing various methods to help apply these techniques, including
the 10 communication traps that all communicators should be aware of.
In the Options for Communicating section of this book, Dr. Peterson introduces the
reader to the Flat Brain Syndrome and further illustrates this with the connection to the stomach,
heart, and head. The stomach is where feelings and emotions are located, the heart is where
responsibilities are located, and the head is where thoughts and logic are located.1 When an
individual can begin to understand and comprehend the “compartment” of his or her feelings and
emotions, they can then begin to be more open to communicating. When people begin to deal
with feelings and emotions, they often ignore them, withhold them, let them control, or direct.
Dr. Peterson points out that he is convinced that we can use our feelings and emotions to build up
or to tear down.2 When individuals begin to put into practice para-feeling, para-thinking, and
alternate feelings and thoughts, they can avoid the Flat Brain Syndrome.3
2
4
5
6
7
8
Peterson, Why Don’t We Listen Better? Communicating and Connecting in Relationships, 69
Ibid 103-11
Ibid 120-128
Ibid 164
Ibid 245
Dr. Peterson then breaks down the Talker-Listener Process and introduces the reader to
the talker/listener card. This process is used to help communicators keep the conversation
positive and going somewhere. Dr. Peterson takes the reader on a journey to overcoming the Flat
Brain Syndrome and opening the door to more effective communications by putting the
“commune” back in communications.4 To help the reader better overcome Flat Brain Syndrome,
Dr. Peterson lays out talker and listener goals. The three talker goals are share my feelings, share
my thoughts, and include the word my.5 The three listener goals are providing safety,
understanding, and clarity.6 Dr. Peterson lays out how many communicators fail and then gives
goals to overcome these areas of failure.
After sharing failures and goals, Dr. Peterson lays out techniques and philosophies to
further grow the communicators skills. In this section he draws attention to the Ten
Communication Traps that all communicators should avoid. Avoiding these traps will help
strengthen and make the communications more effective.7 As he has done throughout the entire
book, Dr. Peterson continues to provide techniques to listen better and provide better
communications. He concludes the book with a section entitled Listening Is An Act Of Love. In
this section he points out that when we have love, respect, and compassion for others, we will
listen better.8
3
Peterson, Why Don’t We Listen Better? Communicating and Connecting in Relationships, 7
So what?! To be a better communicator one must truly listen. Often times in
communications an individual will hear something that is said and then his or her mind goes to
their response. At this point their mind is no longer on the talker but instead on their response.
When this takes place, he or she may be hearing but not truly listening. The big idea of this book
is essentially that communicating is a two-way street, there needs to be listening as well. The
strategies in this book will help individuals better balance these two and lead to more effective
communications. To sum it up, listen, then talk, talk then listen.
RESPOND!
THE ME I SEE NOW
Dr. Peterson wrote something in the beginning chapter of this book which describes
exactly how I see myself now. When I started this book, I like many others who have read it,
thought I was a good listener but I have quickly realized that I am not.9 In fact, I am the
opposite. Often times when I have spent time in conversation with people, I check out once they
get to something they I believe I have a response for. When this takes place, I miss some very
important communication moments. This is not something that I have just realized but rather
something that this text has really put a magnifying glass on. This is not the me I want to be. In
fact, I am having to essentially unlearn some things in order to be a better communicator. It is
time that I become a true listener, not someone who hears and just grins and nods.
One major thing that came out when reading this book is that I tend to be transparent in
the wrong ways. I have a strong tendency to insert myself into their situation which leads to me
missing what they are saying because of what I am saying. I quickly become the talker rather
9
4
10
11
12
Ibid 77-86
Peterson, Why Don’t We Listen Better? Communicating and Connecting in Relationships, 53
Ibid 128
than the listener and take away the safety, understanding, and clarity that is needed to make the
conversation effective.10 I am clearly more of a talker and less of a listener but this book has
transformed my thinking.
REFLECT!
THE ME I WANT TO SEE SOON!
The me I want to be is one who spends more time balancing between talking and
listening. After reading this text, the easiest way to get to this point is to keep a careful balance
between feelings and thoughts.11 My personal problem is I often dwell on the feeling along
without seeking out the thought attached. If I become a better listener then I will more apt to see
the thought attached to the feeling and the feeling attached to the thought. By doing this, I
become a better and more effective communicator with a happy balance of listening, talking,
thinking, and feeling. I want to be an individual who people know listens well and speaks truth
in all situations, regardless of the feelings or thoughts attached.
To be the me that I want to see soon I need to do a better job of listening into people’s
lives.12 According to Dr. Peterson we need to listen in a way that people want to invite us into
their lives. My problem is I listen and then want to invite them into my life and compare their
situation to mine. While transparency can be very beneficial, when my situation becomes
married with others situations, the lines between talker and listener, thinker and feeler can easily
5
become skewed. I have to stop with the comparison game. What naturally happens when I do
this is I help in the development of flat brain syndrome unexpectedly. By doing this I lose
control of the conversation and ultimately move myself and the ones I am conversing with into a
thud situation. Bouncing back from the thud can be challenging, especially when it was caused
by a lack of true communication to begin with.
ACT!
BECOME THE ME I WANT TO BE!
It is time to take action. The first place to begin acting on this is in my marriage. 1
Timothy 5:8 says, But those who won't care for their relatives, especially those in their own
household, have denied the true faith. Such people are worse than unbelievers. If I can begin to be
a better listener at home, it will flow over into my ministry and my other relationships. There are
often times when my wife says one thing and I hear another. One thing that this book and this
class has caused me to realize is that I tend to treat the members of my congregation better than I
do my spouse and my family. I am more willing to hear others out than my family. While I listen to
others better than my family, I still tend to lean more toward the talker side of things.
I will be the me that I want to be, that I was created to be. Naturally, I am gifted as a
talker, but I am also a shepherd. I want to get beyond hearing stories and telling stories. As Dr.
Peterson states, good listeners improve others stories. Rather than inserting other into my
stories, I want them to begin to invite me into theirs. I have to get myself out of the way. No more
THUDS!
6
Bibliography
Peterson, James C., Why Don’t We Listen Better? Communicating and Connecting in
Relationships. Portland, OR: Peterson Publications, 2015.
