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SUMMARIZE
In “Why Don’t We Listen Better” James C. Petersen (2022) speaks in depth about
techniques we can use to become an avid listener and better communicator. Dr. Petersen
discusses thirty-one techniques on how to listen better. The techniques are dispersed throughout
the book into four different parts. The parts of the book consist of deep dives into options in
communicating, the talker-listener process, and advanced listening techniques.
Part one is focused on communicating and the connections and disconnections that we
have in relationships and how our emotions, thinking, and relating abilities work together (p. 8).
In this section, Petersen (2022) introduces the “Flat-Brain Theory of Emotions”. He explains this
syndrome by saying that it “shows why it’s so difficult for us to listen, think, act, or even relate
to others when our emotions go on overload” (p. 8). He discusses in this section how our
stomach, heart, and head all play a role in our emotions and how we communicate. Your
stomach functions are what indicate when you are feeling emotions (p. 21). Your heart functions
are where you can relate with who you are communicating with (p. 21). Your head functions are
your logical part of you and is where you process what you see, hear, feel, remember, and
imagine (p. 21). Petersen speaks about a phenomenon called “The Flat-Brain Tango” which is
where the two people in the conversation have heightened emotions are in a “dance” of accusing
and defending one another (p.48-54).
In part three of the book, Petersen (2022) introduces the “Talker-Listener Card”. This is a
tool that can be used to ensure that the person talking is being heard. It is a reminder to “take
turns” while listening to the person you are in a conversation with. As Petersen stated, “it
reminds us to listen first, and talk second” (p. 8). He goes into the “dos and don’ts” for the
listener and the talker to ensure that proper communication is happening. The talker should
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always remember that they “own the problem” and the goal of the conversation is to share their
feelings and thoughts without accusing, attacking, labeling, or judging the listener (p. 91-121).
The listener should remember that they “don’t own the problem” and the goal of the
conversation is to provide safety, understanding, and to clarify without agreeing, disagreeing,
advising, or defending (p.123-142). The basis for who talks first depends on who is the most
bothered and the listener should be whoever is calm enough to listen (p.92). Petersen
recommends practicing using the card with friends and family in your life and he also provides
different techniques to help you be more successful at utilizing this tool.
In part three of the book, Petersen (2022) goes into detail about more listening techniques
and ten communication traps (p. 8). The communication traps help us to avoid not
communicating effectively and prevent us from listening well (p. 149). In part four of the book,
Petersen (2022) provides examples and guides to implemented for decision making, a mealtime
game, and tools on how to listen through difficult conversations. He discusses how to listen
through heavy situations such as suicide (p. 188-193), when someone cries (p.173), a horrific
loss (p.179), and after a death (p.175).
“So What ?!” We live in a society that is eager to be heard, seen, and understood. We all
believe that we are right and everyone else is wrong. We do not take the time to listen to
someone else’s point of view first, especially if their point of view does not align with ours. This
has been amplified with social media. We are very quick to “cancel” someone and not take the
time to listen to where they are coming from. We lack effective communication skills and
empathy as a society. Petersen (2022) provides us with the skills and tools to ensure that we can
be seen and heard by hearing and seeing others first. The tools he provides can create healthy
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communication skills and ultimately, develop and nurture your relationships. To be an effective
communicator, you need to be a good listener.
RESPOND
The Me I See NOW
While reading there were two areas that I resonated to the most: the hem-haw listening
technique and the Perry Masons communication trap (Petersen, 2022, p.102, 150). The hem-haw
listening technique is something that I struggle with not using. Petersen says that this is when
you feel the urge to answer, solve, give advice, defend, or make some type of commentary and
you make sure to “bite your tongue”. (Petersen, 2022, p.102) I always want to be a problem
solver and find solutions to situations for people. It is hard for me to not offer advice and create
solutions for other people’s problems. There have been times when my friends have confided in
me about issues in their romantic relationships and instead of just listening and letting them vent,
I have offered advice on how to resolve the issue or what they should do in the relationship. If I
am being honest, in a lot of situations I do believe that I have all the answers and can be a bit of a
know-it-all. When reflecting on this, it reminded me of the verse in the Bible that says, “My dear
brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow
to become angry” (New International Version Bible, 2008, James 1:19). I will keep this verse at
the back of my mind the next time someone confides in me.
I also felt conviction with the Perry Mason communication traps (Petersen, 2022, p.150).
Petersen describes this as an accusation or statement disguised as a question (Petersen, 2022,
p.150). There are plenty of times I have asked my husband a question, but it is not actually a
question but an accusation. We take our trash off to the dump on certain days of the week and it
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is my husband that completes that task. There was an instance when I was getting the full trash
bag out of the trash can and tying it up. I asked my husband, “Where do you want me to put
this?” but it masked the statement “Why haven’t you taken out the trash yet?” I should have been
direct and asked, “Do you mind taking the trash off?” and it would have removed the
miscommunication and upset feelings.
REFLECT
The Me I Want to See SOON
My “light bulb moment” while reading the text was technique number three and four: use
para-feeling and para-thinking (Petersen, 2022, p.46). Petersen said this technique is when you
put the talkers’ thoughts in your own words (Petersen, 2022, p. 46). There are so many times in
my relationships that things are taken the wrong way. We all interpret things differently, and that
is especially the case with technology being the main way that we communicate in this current
day and time. I can recall many conversations that were had where I thought I said one thing, but
my husband had interpreted it as something completely different and vice versa. If we had taken
the time to repeat back what we heard, then it could help the other person walk through the issue
and resolve the problem on our own. I can see how not utilizing this skill could amplify
bickering especially in intimate relationships. Just in my own relationship, there have been times
my husband and been venting about an issue at work and instead of repeating back to him what
was said, I have made commentary for a solution (again, I am a bit of a know it all at times). This
did not help him work out the issue on his own and just created more pushback with the situation
and left him more frustrated. We both need to remember to listen to understanding and not to
listen to respond.
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There are times, especially at my previous job, when situations would happen, and I
would vent to my parents and spouse. I would feel some type of relief just by verbalizing my
thoughts. When Petersen discusses how clarifying thinking works, I immediately resonated with
the process. He states that when we have thoughts in our mind that we are just repeating and
letting bounce all over minds while we refine them, we do not truly refine them until we say
them out loud (Petersen, 2022, p.46). These two techniques could be beneficial to help discern if
my thoughts and emotions are aligned with God’s will. I am consistently asking God to renew
my mind and give me a heavenly perspective and not an earthly one. Romans 12:2 states, “Do
not conform to the pattern of this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then
you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing, and perfect will”
(New International Version Bible, 2008, Romans 12:2). If we are consistently saying our
thoughts aloud to other believers and we are saying other people’s thoughts back to them, then
this can help with the renewing of our minds and if what we are feeling and saying are aligned
with what God’s word says.
ACT
Becoming the Me I Want to BECOME
I am always longing to grow spiritually and walk out the Will of God in my life. The one
calling that all of us have is that we are called to make disciples of Jesus. In Matthew 28:18-20
Jesus commands us with these words: “And Jesus came and said to them, “All authority in
heaven and on earth has been given to me. Go therefore and make disciples of all nations,
baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to
observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the
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age” (New International Version Bible, 2008, Matthew 28:18-20). I have a deep desire to walk
out that command and I believe that being an avid listener plays a role in that. I want to be a
counselor that really listens to the counselees that are seeking help. Petersen speaks about the
three characteristics of a counselor that most influenced growth in people to be empathy,
genuineness, and warmth (Petersen, 2022, p.255). These characteristics are ones that I desire to
have not just being a counselor, but also in my everyday life. They reminded me of Galatians
5:22-23 where it says, “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness,
goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control;” (New International Version Bible, 2008,
Galatians 5:22-23). Our goal as a follow of Christ should to be to renew ourselves to be more
like Jesus every day. God is love (New International Version Bible, 2008, 1 John 4:8) and one of
the easiest ways for a person to feel loved is by listening to them. The best tool that I can use to
improve my communication is by using “The Talker Listening Card”. This will be something
that I will first implement in my relationship with my husband. I will suggest that we do
“practice runs” with this before using it on “bigger” issues that arise. My hope is that this is
strengthen our communication skills and it will ultimately strengthen our relationship.
Growth is hard and especially when it is growth on a relational level. It requires a lot of
dedication, persistence, and work. The only way that true change is possible is with growth in
Christ. I aspire to be capable of managing all types of conversations with people in my
counseling journey but while also displaying Christ’s love for them. I pray that God will give me
the words to say (or not say) when he places the conversation with these individuals in my path.
