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SUMMARIZE!
The book I will review in this paper is Why Don’t We Listen Better? by James C.
Petersen (2015) we learn the art of listening and responding to the other person both personally
and in work environments thru out this book. The author teaches us great skills, techniques, and
tools on how to do these steps. We learn not only how we are listening and responding back to
each other, but we are also learning to do it without judgement but with understanding,
compassion, and being present in the conversations. The one of the great aspects of this book is
the tools I learned and the art of talking can not only be in my profession but in our personal life
in these different aspects. The book is also broken down in three parts, which I find a great way
to focus on the main concept of each part of the section and how the author James C. Petersen
introduces the methods, shows examples of the techniques and gives examples on how to
demonstrate them in conversations with the other person both in a counseling and personal
lifestyle.
In part one of the book, Dr. Peterson demonstrates the different methods and tools of
communications. Dr. Peterson introduces us to “Connecting & Disconnecting” (p.12-16) which
explains the two levels of communication. He shows us how in level one we focus mainly on the
receiving and listening to the data and information given to us by the other person in the
conversations, while reviewing the different levels of the topic/conversation. Where in level two
of the communication we emerge into the building the trust, closeness, and sharing more intimate
and personal parts of the conversation around the topics. This is where we are not as idle with
our boundaries and open to trusting each other without any judgment. “When you want a listener
and you get a pool grabber” (p.15-18) we see how the author James C. Peterson shows us there
are people that can hijack our conversations and not only not listen to what we are sharing but
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also will take the conversation on a whole different train ride to what they want to share and
focus on and ignore our feelings and sharing of the conversation. This happens so much in our
conversations I realize that most times we are not even away of it. This helped the author to then
to break down in rest of part one the “The Flat Brain Syndrome” FBS) (p.29-36). In the rest of
part one we see how we can learn the definitions and ways to use these techniques know as
(FBS), which then helps us to dive into part two of the book.
In part two of the book “The Talker-Listener Process “James C. Peterson introduces us to
the main technique that the book uses thru out the chapters from chapter 9 to chapter 16 (p.79-
145) which is “The Talker-Listen Card” in these chapters we see how to use amazing tool in both
personal and professional conversations. From talking to body language to gestures. The author
demonstrated this by express and explain how to put into action the (FBS) tool to using the
talking card. He shows us not to only demonstrate and see the problems in the conversations but
walks us thru “Own the Problem” in chapter 10 (p. 96-103). In this chapter we see how a
problem can have “the four -alarm issue in problem ownership” (p. 99-100). I loved this
reminder because we easily can brush thru these 4 pointers and minimize the impact they can
have in a conversation as points to be aware of and to watch. In chapter 12- 16 9(p.105-146), we
see how these steps open up using the techniques and tools of the talking car to FBS to just being
real and listening to the other and diving deeper into the conversations but in small steps. He
reminded me also how important it is to just sit and listen and not try to always feel the space
with words and trying to fix/find solutions for the other person. Sometimes the best tool is just to
listen and be there for the person.
In the final part of the book, part three “Advanced Listening Techniques” (p. 148-258)
was my favorite part of the book if I had to choose. I loved the explaining and use of the “Ten
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Communication Traps” (p. 149-164) I realized I do most of these at open point of conversations I
have with others both in my profession and personally. It reminded me the impact behind these
10 pointers and the affects it has on the conversations. That at times in acting in any of these
pointers we miss the main reason of the conversation and or hearing the other truly in what they
are sharing we tend to assume more than listen when in these modes I believe. Which James C.
Peterson expresses these pointers in chapter 18-21 (p.165-209). In “Three Essential Listening
Modes and Attitudes” (p.165-170) we see how the author coaches us the reader in ways to be a
better listening in using the techniques from 15-16 “On How to Listen Better” which was a great
reminder for myself.
So, in the book “Why Don’t We Listen Better” it reminds us there is not only a part a to a
conversation but a part b when we address part a of a conversation, we are just addressing the
surface and making assumptions in the conversations and even avoidance of going deeper and
listening to the other person. But if we are bold and step into part b and listen and trust, and be
vulnerable to the other person the conversations are really and genuine and truly enriching the
relationship with the other person in just being present and listening in the conversions. The
author James C. Peterson thru out the book gives us tools, techniques, and coping skills to
understand body language. But to me the main tool and lesson I believe the author was trying to
express was the art of listening can be such a gift to one another and if we can not really present
and willing to listen and step outside that comfort box at times, we can truly miss things in
conversations which in the end affects the relationship with the other person.
RESPOND!
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The Me I See Now
Chapter 2 “Communication-Connection & Disconnecting (p. 12-18) convicted me not
only on a personal level but a spiritual level. I am a person who is single with really no family
and limited friends. I realized that in reading the chapter I have in the past would disconnect
from conversations and or not share things about me personally and limit the conversations and
topics I would share with others. I did tis due to past hurts, trust that has been broken and
basically at times I forget to just listen and or be open with others in my life. But the chapter
made me realize that at times I di that spiritually and even limit my communication and trust
issues with God. That I would have surface conversations with God thru out my walk but also
tell Him he could not touch or go to certain topics. When I realize I was doing this a few years
ago I worked not only on my spiritual conversations but my personal conversations with others
both at work and personal life. As a result, I have been able to be the authentic me and know my
relationships and responses with others are true and filled with love and compassion.
REFLECT!
The Me I want to See SOON
When reading chapter 12 “TLC – What Does the Talker Do?” (p104-116) I saw the type
of listener I want to be in my profession as a therapist. It reminded me the goals that we strive
towards as a therapist and as a person in our conversations with others. I loved the beginning of
the chapter when the author went over the two parts of talking on 9p.104). It showed me how to
not only listen is our part but to also share and bring something to table the conversation
ourselves. I work towards that as a therapist which is always a fine line on what to share and or
not to share with the client on how it can affect the therapeutic relationship and help or not help
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the client. It reminded me that it’s not about me but the client and how we can share personally in
the conversation in helping the client succeed on their journey of getting healthier in a spiritual
and mental state.
I also want to strive to use the tools that the author used in thru out the book of the FBS
and the talker card as well and even being aware of the body language can play a part. I am
always learning how in my field of work we can get so use to staying in the safe zones of the
tools and techniques we have and not venture outside that comfort book. This book challenged
and also reminded me to step outside the box a use new tools and techniques not only in my
counseling but in my personal walk with others and even spiritual as well. These are things I
want to see more in myself and life in all aspects as well.
Thru out reading the book I was reminded how many communication tools and
techniques we have can use but without being genuine and not being present and truly listening
and sharing those techniques and tools are just those words and conversation without meaning
but just mechanical steps and checking things off a clipboard of meeting the need of that person
in our mind at that time. And finally, I realized that at times its just listening and not going into
fix it mode or trying to fix it but be present and listening and asking the open ended type
questions in the conversation.
ACT!
Becoming the Me I want to BECOME
I think first I want to start to use the talker-listener card that the author James C. Peterson
used thru out the book in my personal life. I want to share it with my life group because we all
talk but realized we don’t listen to each other but talk over each other. And it can enrich the
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group to stop and listen and then share and reflect on what that person said and then share their
conversation and we listen.
Secondary, I want to start to use the techniques of FBS when I sit with my clients. I want
to be able to be more aware of not what but how they are sharing their conversations and
responding to but input. I want to be more consistence of following on up their reactions and
nonverbal reactions as well in our sessions. But also, for me personally and finally, I want to be
more open and trusting and authentic in some of my conversations with friends and even with the
Lord in our time together. This is a huge ask for me to be so open and trusting but the book made
me realize how important it is not only in conversations but in the way it affects the relationship
with that person as well.
Finally, I know also I need to be patient in these changes and to take baby steps towards
these changes to see big changes and in trusting the process. But to also know the friends and
loved ones I have has been sharing and doing their part but at times I fall short and change the
topics and or conversations to avoid the intimacy and trust and even realness of the
conversations. I realized I use humor as a should to change topics and stay more in the part a of
conversation and not go into the part b as much in conversations. I see how this is where free
comes not play and we have the choices of listening to God, others, being open, trusting and or
not engaging and deflecting. But in the end, I am learning and striving towards each day to be
more open, authentic, open, loving and true to who I am in conversations with others and with
the Lord.
