Running head: BOOK REVIEW:’WHY DON’T WE LISTEN BETTER?’
BOOK REVIEW: Why Don’t We listen Better? By James C. Petersen
Genevieve Hamer
Liberty University
PACO 500 – C02: Introduction to Pastoral Counseling
September 29, 2023
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SUMMARIZE!
According to author, James C. Petersen, in his book Why Don’t We Listen Better? (2015)
“most people think they listen well, but don’t.” (p.7) Petersen sets the tone for his work on
learning the good communication skill of listening. In the 252 pages of this book, one will find
his perspective on how one may become a good listener which according to Petersen, will
improve all of the relationships in one’s life. (p. 13) Dr. Petersen takes the reader on a journey
through thirty-three techniques intended to broaden the viewpoint of listening and engage the
reader with steps to follow designed to improve communication skills. From the first techniques
which involve learning how to acknowledge (p.17) along with the introduction of Petersen’s
“Flat Brain Theory of Emotions” (p.19-26), the techniques detailed by the author are challenges
and intriguing. In the “Flat Brain Theory”, Petersen “explains how our emotions, thinking and
relating abilities work and how what goes on inside us comes out in the ways we communicate
and act.” (Petersen 2015, p.8) Chapter 4 of Why Don’t We Listen Better? (Petersen 2015) takes
this theory a step further and examines what the author refers to as “Flat Brain Syndrome.”
(p.29) This syndrome happens when our systems get out of whack. Communication relayed from
“Flat Brain Syndrome” may be good or bad relative to the emotional root. In any case, the
response usually in irrational. The end of the part one of Why Don’t We Listen Better? (Petersen
2015) brings the reader to what Dr. Petersen describes as “Flat Brain Tango.” (p. 48) In this
scenario the persons suffering from these symptoms ends in in a cycle of 1) overload emotional
disturbance, 2) jolts his/her head, 3 & 4) the attached mouth opens and sends out verbal
accusation (attack), 5) defense. (p. 49) The author describes this sort of communication “like an
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escalation between countries”. (Petersen 2015, p.49) Dr. Petersen leaves his reader with
techniques for opting out of the “Flat Brain Tango.”
Moving on to the next section of his book, the author introduces the talker-listener
process. Along with the textbook, a Talker-Listener pocket size card was enclosed for personal
reference. The pocket-sized card lays out the essential goals of the Talker, who typically feels
that they own the problem (p. 89), and the listener, who finds themselves in a position of being
calm enough to hear. (p. 90). In this section of the book, techniques are offered on how to listen
better. Many of these suggestions involved much effort and may appear to be easy on the surface.
However, even the author, himself acknowledges that becoming a good listener takes practice. In
the EHJ’s of balanced communication, Petersen states, “It takes two parts personal and one part
logical to give our talking the best chance to be heard.” (Petersen 2015, p. 111) This illustration
shows that the (E) feelings and (H) human factor must balance out the (J) judgement. Petersen
makes his point that both the talker and the listener must understand how to perform their roles
in their communication in order for the effort to be successful.
Finally, in the last section on his book, Dr. Petersen focuses his writing efforts on
advanced listening techniques and philosophy. Chapter 17 delivers Ten Communication Traps to
Avoid (p.149-163) In previewing this list, one may not find these to be commonly considered
when listening. However; once the topic is reviewed, the underlying information is quite
stimulating. Trap #5 – I understand is one the easiest to fall prey to with the best intentions.
Often, when attempting to console someone, “I understand, is a phrase that is commonly utilized
by many. As noted by Petersen, “We really don’t understand and that’s the truth.” (Petersen
2015, p. 154) Continuing on through the remainder of the book, the reader will find Dr.
Petersen’s listening techniques as he proceeds to delve into Essential Modes and Attitudes about
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Listening (2015). The final section of Why Don’t We Listen Better? (Petersen 2015) deals with
listening techniques in special circumstances. Hopefully, most of the readers will never be faced
with the issues of counseling someone after a death or a horrific loss. Petersen provides a path
forward through many special situations. Ending the book, the author offers his philosophy to
his readers. According to Petersen, “listening is an act of love.” (Petersen 2015, p. 245)
“So What?!” In a world that rarely listens at all, Dr. Petersen’s book offers a simulating
perspective on the importance of the role of both the talker and more importantly, the listener.
In studies published by a variety of sources, 96% of American own a cellphone of some kind.
Nearly three- quarters of the adults in the United States over a computer. Over 50% of today’s
teenagers are addicted to the cell phones. (Pew Research Center, 2019) We live in a society of
people that would rather text each other then actually carry on a face to face conversation. How
crazy is that? When is the last time you had a whole argument in your head with a person over a
text message? The skills Petersen offers up through his thirty-three techniques in Why Don’t We
Listen Better? (2015) if implemented could open up a whole new world of actual engaged
communication that is filled with “empathy, genuineness, and warmth” (p. 248).
RESPOND!
The Me I See NOW
The premise of TLC – Listen Without introduced in Chapter 15 of Why Don’t We Listen
Better? (2015) was my “ah-ha” moment. Many times, in both my personal and professional life,
I have seen myself fall into exactly what Dr. Petersen warns against for the listener. “Listen -
without agreeing” (p. 133) the point that is made here of how agreeing is not listening seemed
strange to me. However, when I read on and found that Petersen points out, “ While they may
think agreeing is the support they want, if e give in and give it, that is, if we stop listening and
The Me I Want to See SOON
REFLECT!
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start talking, it won’t help and they’ll likely get upset.” (Petersen 2015, p. 133) I had never
thought about agreeing this way and it put a new perspective on listening for me. I volunteer in a
prison ministry and we go inside a women’s prison for a four-day weekend that is based on
God’s love. During the course of this weekend, the dynamics are based on “family.” We sit at a
table as a family and try to impart to the incarcerated the importance of Christian community. I
find myself during these weekends, being quick to agree with the ladies on the inside in hopes to
make them understand the empathy I feel for them. What I see now that I have done is most
likely shut some of them down from truly expressing their feelings by being so quick to say
things like, “Oh, I agree that situation was terrible and I would have done the same thing,”
instead of just listening. “Listen - without advising” is another hot topic for me. Often, I feel that
my family and peers are talking to me to get my advice. As noted by Dr. Petersen, in the business
world quick decisions and competitive listening are encouraged.(p. 137) I fear that my years of
working in a fast-paced industry along with my nature of wanting to be helpful has led me to
jump in too quickly and not allow the individual to express everything that they have to say. I
commonly find myself in conversations with a co-worker cutting them off an offering up an
answer to what I “think” they are saying without completely listening to them. Pondering on this
now, I am sure this has most likely hurt some of my colleagues and made them feel that I do not
respect what they have to say. This chapter has really impacted me and will affect the way I
listen in the future.
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The me I want to see soon is the reason I am pursuing a master’s degree in Pastoral
Counseling is so that I can one day pursue my dream of having a transitional home for women
being released from prison that do not fit into any existing programs. In order to fulfill this
pursuit, I realize that I will need to become an effective listener and understand the process of
taking turns talking and listening. (p. 149) Due to this, I feel that the “Ten Communication
Traps” presented by Dr. Petersen in Chapter 17 of Why Don’t We Listen Better? (2015) are
essential to my future success. In the last 10 years, God has put me in some interesting situations.
I have been placed in situations that have forced me to become an effective speaker. Writing a
speech or a talk or testimonial is a cake walk for me. I can stand up in front of an audience and
deliver that message with ease. However, when it comes to one-on-one communication, I
appreciate the tips provided in this section of the manuscript. The me I want to see soon would
not just the person that can stand up in front of a large crowd and speak eloquently but also, an
individual that one can seek out for individual conversations knowing that I will indeed listen
and want to hear what you have to say.
The Great Commission says, “Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing
them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit (Matthew 28:19 NIV)
Leading others to Christ is the main thing that I feel lead to do on this earth. If I can master the
role of listening, I feel that many more opportunities will become available to me to lead
someone to Christ.
ACT!
Becoming the Me I Want to BECOME
After reading Why Don’t We Listen Better? (Petersen 2015), I have found many new
insights on how to become the me I want to become. First, I will begin by implementing the two-
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levels of communication (p. 12) I feel that it is important be begin with the basics thought in this
book and starting at the beginning is a good place to move forward. Without a doubt, it will be
most important to me to begin implementing the listening techniques that Petersen designed,
With that in mind, secondly, I plan to enlist the concepts of the talker-listener process as
presented by Petersen in part two of Why Don’t We Listen Better?(2015). The pocket card that
was included in the book is an excellent resource to assist with this. Understanding who’s turn it
is to talk and to listen are key to this process. Practicing this element will be fundamental to
embracing it and making it part of my everyday life. The TLC card is a great simplified version
of the actual roles of the listener and talker. Keeping that handy and visible will help to instill
that into my memory and remind me of those roles.
Next, I plan to work on not falling prey to “Flat Brain Syndrome”. There are times that I
can admit that I do not stop and think before I react. And, admittedly, just as Petersen alludes to
every time I communicate as a result of these emotions, it is irrational and not successful.
Having a fresh perspective on this emotional engagement turns the tables on this type of
communication. Proverbs 15:1 says, “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up
anger.” In trying to grow closer to God, it is easy to see how falling into the pitfall of “Flat Brain
Syndrome” could inhibit my relationship with him.
Finally, I want to grab hold to Petersen’s philosophy at the end of this book. The fact that
communication comes from the word “commune” which suggests that people connect with each
other offers up that fact that humans are not meant to be alone. (p. 243) This communal aspect of
life was introduced to us in Genesis 2 when we found that God himself walked in the garden
where Adam and Eve lived. God never intended for us to be alone. His greatest desire is for us
to commune with him.
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Change is never easy. Being willing to take the first step is the beginning. Drawing
closer to God should be the desire of every Christians heart. For me, it is my one true desire.
Just give me Jesus.
References
Petersen, James C. (2015) Why Don’t We Listen Better?: Communicating & Connecting in
Relationships. Portland, OR: Petersen Publications.
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