Review of Why Don’t We Listen Better? By James C. Petersen
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By
Christie Johnson
PACO 500: Introduction to Pastoral Counseling (B01)
August 27, 2023
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Context
Summarize………………………………………………………………………………………1
Respond…………………………………………………………………………………………2
Me I See Now…………………………………………………………………………...2
Reflect…………………………………………………………………………………………...3
Me I Want To See Soon………………………………………………………………….3
Act……………………………………………………………………………………………….5
Becoming the Me I Want To Be…………………………………………………………5
Reference………………………………………………………………………………………..7
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Summarize
Why Don’t We Listen Better by James C. Petersen is a book about how to communicate
better in a relationship through listening. James goes into detail about how we should learn to
listen better in our relationships. He goes into describing how to have communication balance.
He says that there are three things that is needed to have balanced communication and they are:
“listen awhile, talk until the other person almost stops hearing, and listen until the person calms
enough to hear again.” (pg. 5).
Throughout the book, James tells us how to listen with better techniques. He gives a total
of 31 of them. Here are a few of them: acknowledge, which is to says to the talker that it is ok to
feel the way they feel, alternate feelings and thoughts, which is to not allow the talker to stay in
either of these for too long, or worse case condition, have the think about the worst case of their
situation. Basically, he is saying that we need to take the time to listen to the talker and gently
guide them through the situation.
James divides the book into four sections. The first section talks about options in
communicating. He describes the two levels of communication. He talks about the flat-brain
theory of emotions which we all experience which can cause us to have the flat-brain syndrome
where our systems tend to get out of whack which then takes us into the flat-brain tango. He
goes into much detail about these flat-brain ideas.
The second part of the book talks about the talker-listener process. Here he describes how
we need to take turns talking and listening in the relationship. In this section, he describes how to
make a talker-listener card to use when communicating in a relationship where you need
guidance on how to be effective in it. James goes through the next few chapters explaining more
of what the talker and listener is to be doing during the communication.
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The third part of the book provides more advanced listening techniques. Here, he
describes ten communication traps that we need to avoid. Some of them are ritual listening,
asking for one-word answers, and fixing it. He is about us listening to how the other person feels
and showing the talker that we are listening to them. Then, in part four, he gives extended
examples and guides for us to follow.
“So-What?” James goes into great detail on techniques that we can use to help us have
better communication skills which will help us in our relationships with people. Yes, the book is
about listening, but it is much more than that. It helps both the listener and the talker. The goal of
this book is to help the reader to change. James says on page 251, “Real change in relationships
do not come from knuckling under to another’s wishes or demands, but through hearing,
understanding, and deepening our caring for the other person and their concerns.” This should
be everyone’s goal in life when communicating with others.
Respond
“Me I See Now”
In chapter 4, James talks about the flat-brain syndrome, this relates to me right now. In
the part where he is talking about stomach overload, that describes me right now in my life. I
have been through a lot in my life and have not been able to unload all the hurt feelings that I
have which has caused me to be explosive to the people around me. I have so much pain inside
of me that I am not able to communicate with others in a good way. With this stomach overload,
it affects my heart. I tend to see people as an enemy to me when they are not. I feel so alone
even though I have a great family, now who are here for me.
This leads me to being angry a lot of the time. When I read about technique 22 on page
180, which is expectations and anger, it really hit home to me. I know this is for the listener, but
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it describes what happens to me when I go to express myself. When I go talk with my husband, I
want him to do the four things that James lists for the listener to do when the talker is angry.
Because I am so angry all the time, it really makes communication with others difficult.
When I go talk to my husband when I am upset, I usually end up crying and being hurt
even more. I’ll give an example of this. We both were attending the same church, but I decided
to leave that church because I was not getting what I needed from that church and most days
after leaving that church I would be hurt by how the members there treated me. It was causing
harm to my emotional state for me to attend there, so I went to my husband and told him that I
am not going to attend his church anymore. I explained to him why. He just said ok and really
did not understand why it was not healthy for me to attend there anymore. As we talked, I felt
that he did not care that I was leaving his church. That it was not ok for me to feel the way I did.
When I went to talk with him, I just wanted to feel that it was ok for how I was feeling about that
church.
Most of our conversation that I have with my husband about how I am feeling, do not go
very well. I tend to get upset and feel worst off. I know that my husband does not mean to do that
to me. He tries his best to understand, but he just does not. So, with this technique, I always
seem to go in with an expectation and come out feeling like it was not met which in turns angers
me more. I know that this comes from my stomach being full of hurts that are not being let out.
Reflect
“Me I want to See Soon?”
I knew most of the techniques that James describes, but I did not understand how to do
them effectively. So, by reading this book, I was able to see where I need to improve on in my
communication skills. One thing I did not know about is the flat-brain theories that James talks
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about in chapter 4-7. I am going to start to change myself from the inside out like James talks
about on page 44. I am going to employ the four basic goals he lists on page 44-45. The one that
I am going to do the most is to reduce my emotional disturbance by expelling the hurts that I
have in my life in a productive way.
In chapter 12, where he talks about what does the talker do, was very helpful to me also.
It has helped me see how I should be when I am talking to others and trying to express my
feeling. “Spilling our guts or being perfectly frank usually means taking our feelings out on
people rather than sharing them with people” (pg. 106). This sentence really hit me in the gut. I
never realized that when I am expressing all my feelings at once I attack the person rather than
sharing with them. It really made me think about how I have been communicating with my
husband. I tend to dump all of how I am feeling to him, which I now see as it may seem to him
that I am attacking him rather than expressing how I am feeling. I think that I need to do what
James says here “to share my feelings or stomach talk describes what’s inside me, rather than
describing someone else.” (pg. 106). I need to be more cautious of how I am explaining how I
am feeling.
Sharing my feelings with others is very hard for me to do. It takes me a long time to go
to my husband or anyone and let them know how I feel. When I do go to them, I am
overflowing with emotions and tend to come across as attacking them rather than expressing my
feelings of being hurt. I guess that I would like to see myself soon, to be able to go to those who
have hurt me before I get to many hurts inside me and when I do go to them, I am not attacking
them when I express my feelings. I need to watch out how I word my feeling to them and not use
the I feel that statements with them. I will take ownership of my feelings when I express to them
like it says to on page 111.
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Act
“Becoming the Me I Want to Be”
One of the first things I am going to do since reading this book is to listen to others more
and not talk as much. I tend to be the talker in most of my relationships. I am going to take the
techniques listed in this book and start to apply them in my relationship with my husband. When
my husband and I talk, I am usually the one doing the most talking and expressing how I feel. I
am going to take a back seat on always expressing how I feel and ask him on how he is feeling. I
will also employ this with family and friends. I am not going to be dominating the conversation,
I am going to be open to listening to them more often.
I am going to make the talker-listener card described in chapter 9 and use it with my
family. I am going to take his idea of making it a game with my family. I have four
granddaughters who would benefit from using the talker-listener card. They all like to talk. I
feel that this will help them become better listeners. It will also help me listen to them better than
I do now. I am going to use it when I need to talk with my husband, so to hopefully that we both
can be heard.
The thing that I most want is to have better communication with my husband. I am going
to ask him to read this book so that we can hopefully start to have better communication between
us. Hopefully, this will help him be able to understand me better. I know that this book has
helped me understand my shortcomings and has helped guide me on how to communicate better
with others.
The last thing that I am going to employ in my life from this book is to be understanding
like James says on page 125. I am going to do my best to understand where others are coming
from so that I am able to see their perspective or intentions. I am going to be open minded. I am
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also going to take this understanding and apply it to myself. I am going to look deep inside
myself and see what is really going on with myself, so that when I do communicate with others,
they will be able to understand me as well.
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Reference
Petersen, James C., Why Don’t We Listen Better? Communicating & Connecting in
Relationships, Oregon: Petersen Publications, 2022
