Essential Skills for Life Coaches
Darby A. Ingram-Justus
Department of Life Coaching, Liberty University Online
LIFE 501: Introduction to Life Coaching
Professor Mario Garcia
September 8, 2022
Essential Skills for Life Coaches
There are a variety of coaching skills that are essential for a client to be familiar with in learning
to be effective and efficient when helping their clients. There are 7 key skills in learning to be a
masterful coach. These skills are outlined in the table below and will be explored in more depth
throughout this section. Coaching skills may be the most important piece of becoming a coach as
they set the foundation for how you interact with your clients.
Effective Communication
Effective communication cannot be underestimated in the coaching relationship. Clients look
toward their coach to communicate effectively and expressly. Many people do not know how to
communicate effectively. So the coach’s effective communication skills in session will help
model for the client how they can communicate more effectively in all of their relationships.
There are a variety of ways that coaches communicate effectively in sessions with clients. First, a
coach communicates with clients directly during sessions with clear language to help clients
maximize positive impact. When clients give clear and direct communication it helps clients
focus in on the heart of the issue that they’re dealing with rather than be distracted. A coach must
also provide feedback in clear and direct ways so that clients are not confused or unclear about
what they need to do to work toward their goals. Part of this is that a coach should help clients
understand issues from a different perspective and help them find clarity when they feel
uncertain. This includes using questions in effective ways to help client’s gain clarity on their
issues and on how they can best work toward their goals. Coaches should also always use
respectful and appropriate language with clients. The ultimate goal is for the client to really be
able to hear what the coach is saying. So communicating in language the the client can connect
with is an important piece of this. Another important piece is to use analogies and metaphors to
help clients understand concepts with greater sophistication and depth.66
Awareness
Helping coaches foster client awareness is an important piece of being an effective coach.
Awareness is a necessary requirement for change. Unless a client becomes aware they cannot
choose to make new decisions. So a coach must help clients to become more aware of their
behaviors, thoughts, emotions, and beliefs. Coaches accomplish this through utilizing the other
coaching skills we have discussed in this section.
Coaches need to help clients to integrate all the information that clients share to create coherent
interpretations that help clients gain self-awareness. This means helping clients integrate their
emotions, behaviors, beliefs, perspectives, and body language so that they come to a more
holistic understanding of what’s going on. Part of this is exploring what is behind client’s words
and not getting caught up in the “content” of what is said and instead focusing in on what
underlies the words. It also means that coaches help clients explore how their beliefs, moods,
emotions, background, thoughts, and behaviors are all linked and contribute to what’s going on
in their life.
To help foster awareness coaches use a variety of techniques to help clients understand
themselves and their circumstances in more detail. First, they ask questions to create more
awareness and understanding. Coaches also pull main points, concerns, and beliefs out of what
the client shares. They also help their client see the difference between beliefs and facts utilizing
the skills described above.
Coaches also help clients to expand their perspective. They help clients see when they’re stuck in
one way of perceiving the world by challenging them and supporting them to explore new
perspectives. Coaches help clients discover new thoughts, emotions, beliefs, perceptions, and
actions that might be more beneficial to their life and their goals. And they help the client
become aware of new perspectives on their life and potential new ways of doing things.
Coaches also help clients see when their emotions don’t match the story they’re telling and help
clients see when they’re disconnected from those emotions. Coaches also help clients with
unique insights and understanding of their issues in ways that are specifically meaningful to the
client. So this means using language that your client is using so that you’re literally “speaking
their language”. But it also means using meaningful metaphors and analogies that your client can
personally connect with. For example, a metaphor about tuning up a car as being similar to
working on personal growth may be very meaningful for a male client but miss the mark with a
female client. Whereas a metaphor about choosing the right outfit as being similar to choosing
the right romantic partner might be a great and meaningful metaphor for a female client. Be sure
to tailor the way you talk to each client’s unique situation.
Coaches also work with clients to help them become aware of times that they should celebrate
their successes and become more aware of their strengths. Part of this is helping clients to
identify strengths. Telling clients when you think they’ve done good work or have made changes
that will benefit their goals. But coaches must balance discussing strengths and celebration with
discussing areas where growth is still needed. Because both are needed to be successful. So a
coach must help their clients celebrate successes while simultaneously exploring areas where
more work is needed. Part of this is confronting clients when actions and words do not mesh,
when the client is saying one thing but doing another. The key to successful confrontation is to
confront from a place of empathy and care so that they client knows that they are supported, even
when you are challenging them to do better.
Actions
Coaches also must help clients to find ways to continue improving and learning throughout life.
A huge part of this is to help them focus on creating positive actions which contribute to their
goals. So if a client is wanting to lose weight encouraging them to continue learning about
nutrition and fitness is an action that will help them improve their life and reach their goals.
Coaches must also help clients think of new actions that will lead to client’s goals. This means
creatively brainstorming new things that a client can try to do to accomplish their goals. Perhaps
they don’t have time to work out? Then a coach might suggest doing chair exercises while
working so that they can do two things at the same time and maximize their time. In this way,
coaches help clients identify, explore, and implement alternative solutions to their problems and
to help them discern what options are best for them and their unique circumstances.
Coaches must also help clients experiment with new behaviors to push the boundaries of what
they thought was possible in their life. This includes helping the client to identify routes for new
actions that they can take through exploring new ideas, beliefs, and perspectives. And to help the
client consider new points of view that will motivate new actions. Part of this is helping the
client find a balance between learning at a comfortable pace and stretching to get outside of their
comfort zone. And one of the most successful ways to accomplish this is to help the client begin
to utilize new behavioral strategies in session so that they can receive immediate feedback and
support. So if the coach is trying to get the client to do chair exercises at work they might explain
these chair exercises during the session and ask the client to perform these new behaviors during
their session together. Then the coach can follow up with the client about what it was like to do
these exercises so that the client can receive immediate feedback and support in doing new
actions in their life.
Listening Skills
Active Listening
Active listening is a skill. Most people do not use active listening when they have conversations.
Rather, most people just wait to take their turn to speak when they interact with others. Active
listening is being fully and completely present with your clients and what they are saying. It’s
developing the ability to keep your mind focused on the client and their issues and not turn
inward and focus on your own thoughts.
Active listening also involves paying attention to the whole of what a client is communicating
and not just focusing on their words. Body language can communicate a lot when working with
clients. For example, if a client is telling you that they’ve had a great week but they’re clenching
their fists or their arms are crossed that may be communicating that they have some frustration or
anxiety about their week that they’re not telling you about. The client’s communication extends
beyond words and the coach must listen to the volume, pitch, tone of voice, and word choice of
what the client is saying. When a client is talking about something that they’re angry about but is
talking in a quiet whisper and low tones they may be indicating that they’re actually feeling more
sad than angry. The reason it’s important for coach’s to be attuned to these other means of
communication is that it is then the coach’s responsibility to gently point out to the client the
contradictions between what they’re saying and the other ways they’re communicating.
Coaches also need to be sure that they really hear and respond to a client’s unique beliefs,
concerns, goals, expectations, and past experiences about what they think is possible and what
they expect to be difficult in coaching. This will give the coach an idea of what the client thinks
about their goals and about the possibility of achieving their goals. And giving full attention to
the uniqueness of what the client is presenting to the coach will also make the client feel really
listened to and feel that the coach has genuine concern for them and their problems. Another
aspect of this is that the coach accepts, encourages, and explores the client’s emotional landscape
including difficult feelings, beliefs, and perceptions. This means not shying away from difficult
topics that the client is ready to explore. It also means making space for the client to delve into
emotions, beliefs, and perceptions which may be difficult for them to admit to or own. In this
way, the coach must give the client space to express what’s going on in their life with empathy
and acceptance.
Coaches must also help clients clarify what they’re thinking and feeling in sessions. This can
show up in a variety of ways. First, coaches must integrate the client’s ideas into coaching so that
the coach and client are co-creating solutions together. Second, the coach must help clients
summarize and communicate what they’re talking about in simpler more basic terms so that they
are getting to the core of what they’re talking about rather than lingering in story telling mode.
Non-Verbal Listening Techniques
Eye contact
Eye contact can be a powerful indicator of attention. When coaches maintain eye contact with
their clients, whether in person or over video chat, they show them that they are sincerely
listening to what they are saying. However, it’s important not to stare and to look away
periodically so that your client doesn’t feel intimidated or weird in any way about the eye
contact.
Facial expressions that indicate you are present and focused
Show your client with your facial expressions and body language that you’re fully present.
Demonstrate with your eyes or your mouth when you’re following along with what they’re
saying. Smile when they discuss good things going on in their life. And show empathy in your
expression if they are discussing something difficult or challenging. Sometimes a facial
expression can be far more encouraging of a client to go deeper into their experience and into
their emotions than words can be since a client is free to interpret the facial expression however
they choose.
Body language
Nodding or tilting the head can tell your client that you’re really tuned into what you’re saying. It
can show that you’re really present with them as they’re speaking. A nod is often experienced
the same way saying “yes, go on” is experienced in the world of the client. It encourages them to
go deeper, to express their ideas with more depth, and to tell you more. All without you having
to say a thing!
Silence
Silence is one of the most useful techniques in coaching and of listening specifically. Often when
a client gets silent it’s because they are thinking, not because they are waiting for you to talk.
The skill comes in allowing yourself to make space for the silence. In regular conversation
people are used to filling silence with small talk or with a response. Silence is not frequently
used in day-to-day conversation and will therefore feel a little odd when you first start using it.
But it is indispensable in allowing your client the space and time to really think through what’s
going on and to make room for them to fully experience their emotions. Silence also gives you
time to collect your thoughts and think about what’s going on in the moment. You are in no rush.
So don’t just rush a response because it will fill the silence.
Tips to use silence effectively
Start becoming aware of how comfortable you are with silence and how silence is filled in
normal conversation. Start using silence more in conversations and even count in your head for a
few seconds before responding to force yourself to insert silence into the discussion. It’s
specifically important to allow time for silence after asking a thought provoking or complex
question. And allow for some silence when you think a client is completed speaking to make
room for them to add anything to their responses. However, one caveat is that silence shouldn’t
be too long or it might make the client uncomfortable and make them start to wonder what
you’re thinking about during the session! And if you need to take a moment of prolonged silence
just inform your client of this need before taking it by saying “I’m going to get quiet for a
moment to think about that”.
