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Introduction
There is no more significant pain than that of a parent who has lost a child. When the
death of a child happens, it is out of the natural order of things, and it seems inherently wrong.
For the parent, there seems to be no way for the world to be “right” again. A parent’s first instinct
is to protect a child from danger, and it is one of the most profoundly ingrained elements of the
human heart. Most wouldn't even have to think about it; they would lay down their lives without
blinking an eye.
Death is an experience which every human being must go through. It is indeed
harrowing and sorrowful, but sooner or later everyone will experience. Death is essential to the
field of human development because it is one of the various stages of life. We are born, grow, age
and then die. When there is death, our loved ones will experience loss and grief.
Sigmund Freud published a paper comparing grief and depression. He was interested
in the apparent parallels between these two afflictions. Both depression and bereavement, he
observed a longing for something that was lost. Both depression and bereavement differed in
significant ways. Freud thought that suffering must be a regular part of the grieving process,
which he referred to as part of “the work of mourning” (Carhart-Harris, Mayberg, Malizia, &
Nutt, 2008).
These words were destined to have an enormous impact on how future generations
would view the grieving process, but perhaps the most well-known stage model of mourning is
that of Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. She believed that bereaved people pass through five distinct
stages of mourning and they are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance.
Kubler-Ross assumed that each stage was an essential component of the mourning process and
DEATH OF A CHILD (IMPACT ON ADULT) 3
that most bereaved people work through the struggles inherent in each stage before moving on to
the next one and there is no order that one will go through (Broderick & Blewitt, 2015).
Developmental Impact
When people hear that there was a death, they usually expect to hear about the death of
someone who was elderly. "Currently, close to 80% of the U.S. population live beyond age 65.
Of this group, more than 75% will struggle with heart disease, cancer, stroke, lung disease, or
dementia during their last 12 months of life (Lynn, 2000)"(Broderick & Blewitt, 2015, p. 578).
Death typically occurs during the late adulthood stage of life, but it can affect those in midlife.
Losing a child means a loss of childhood, of innocence, and a part of oneself. No other
bond exists like the one between a parent and a child. If a parent is in the early adulthood stage
when the loss of the child occurs, there is a possibility that it can affect the midlife stage.
A study was conducted in Wisconsin, that examined bereaved parents of deceased
children. They examined 428 individuals and found that 79% reported depression for two or
more weeks, 83% of them still reported depression three years after the death of their child.
There was also a significant number of individuals that reported that they did not feel like they
had a purpose in life, health problems varied, and there was a higher number of those who
reported marital disruption. When compared to those who had not lost a child, there were higher
numbers of those who looked to religion. When looking at those who were depressed, fathers
appeared to be more depressed than mothers, and it’s because of the lack of communication or
asking for help and opening to talk about their feelings (Rogers et al.,2008).
Parents will begin to experience Kubler-Ross’s five stages of grief after the loss of their
child. While it would be considered normal for parents to grieve it is important for friends and
family to be aware of depression, they need to be supportive and be willing to encourage them to
DEATH OF A CHILD (IMPACT ON ADULT) 4
seek help for extended or complicated grief symptoms, such as uncontrolled crying or prolonged
depression.
Faith & Professional Perspectives
If we were to look at Kubler-Ross’s five stages of grief again, there are two stages Anger
and Bargaining when people tend to either blame God or try to bargain with him. I would tell
them that grieving the death of a child is a heartrending journey and that there are no guidelines
to teach us how to handle our loss. I would remind them that they have brothers and sisters in
Christ and we are here for them to lean on. I would remind them that their ability to worship and
honor God in their time of trial is a convincing demonstration of their spiritual confidence in our
God. Doing so enables us to accept the reality of our loss. God is loving, holy, merciful, just, and
gracious. Whatever God does is always right and sound, and He loves his children even more
than we do.
The most important considerations for human service providers to know when working
with individuals who have lost a child is that there is no time frame for grief. I would tell them to
cry or sob, and just to let it all out. Encouraging them to tell their story would possibly help them
with their grief. I would also open them up to the possibility that there was a reason for the loss
of their loved one. I would encourage them to keep a journal, find a safe and appropriate outlet
for their anger, find forgiveness, let go of the guilt, and incorporate prayer, or meditation in their
lives and remind them that it takes time.
Resources
Two educational readings that I would suggestions if a client was impacted by the death
of a child would be “I Wasn't Ready to Say Goodbye : Surviving, Coping, and Healing After the
Sudden Death of a Loved One,” written by Brook Noel and Pamela Blair Ph.D. The second
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suggestion would be “ It's OK That You're Not OK : Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That
Doesn't Understand” written by Megan Devine and Mark Nepo. Both books deal with the loss of
a loved one. The first book titled “I wasn’t Ready to Say Goodbye” explores the sudden loss of a
child and other difficult topics such as grieving styles of men and women, religion, and myths.
The second book that I suggested “It’s OK That You're Not OK” offers meaningful advice and
guidance. Challenges myths and discusses other topics about the loss of a loved one. Both books
can be found at; https://www.audiobooks.com/audiobook/i-wasnt-ready-to-say-goodbye-
surviving-coping-and-healing-after-the-sudden-death-of-a-loved-one/231907 and
https://www.soundstrue.com/store/it-s-ok-that-you-re-not-ok-1.html
Two referral sources that I would recommend to my clients to deal with the loss of a child
would be; GriefShare grief recovery support groups: Mount Hermon Baptist Church group;
https://www.griefshare.org/groups/87702. At Grief Share, parents would be able to watch and
learn from videos, complete workbooks and attend group counseling. By attending group share,
it will help them to normalize what they might be experiencing. My second referral would be to
the Thriveworks Lynchburg Counseling Center: http://thriveworks.com/lynchburg-counseling/.
At Thriveworks they will be able to see a counselor that same week to help them deal with their
loss and grief. They will help them to set and achieve goals, work through their issues and
feelings, pursue and achieve their goals. For as long as it is needed, because there is no time limit
when it comes to grief.
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References
Broderick, P. C., & Blewitt, P. (2015). Gains and Losses in Late Adulthood. In The Life Span (4th
ed.,). [E-Book]. Retrieved from
https://mbsdirect.vitalsource.com/#/books/9780133549300
Carhart-Harris, R. L., Mayberg, H. S., Malizia, A. L., & Nutt, D. (2008). Mourning and
melancholia revisited: correspondences between principles of Freudian metapsychology
and empirical findings in neuropsychiatry [Special issue]. Annals of General Psychiatry.
https://doi.org/10.1186/1744-859X-7-9
Rogers, C. H., Floyd, F. J., Seltzer, M. M., Greenberg, J., & Hong, J. (2008). Long-Term Effects
of the Death of a Child on Parents Adjustment in Midlife (Journal of Family Psychology:
JFP: Journal of the Division of Family Psychology of the American Psychological
Association (Division 43), 22(2), 203–211. http://doi.org/10.1037/0893-3200.22.2.203).
Washington, DC: Government Printing Office.
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