Darieth Lanier
9/2/20
ENG 600
Faith Journey Essay
Growing Up
Born and raised in Ohio, I saw evidence for God through His creation; the grass, sky, starts, and
even the bugs were evidence for the Creator. We all have a purpose and there’s no way to me that a man
could have given us this when he was created the same as us.
I grew up in a religious household. So, hearing about God and all his wonders was something I
was familiar with. I always thought as a child that in order to go to heaven, you had to basically remain
faithful and be good to God. My large family shared the same Christian faith and for one set of time
went to the same place of worship. We are close knit. I was one of sixteen grandkids; my grandmother
had six kids who all lived in the same city and gathered frequently. At one time, my aunt and mother
worked as a caregiver for my grandmother for many years. I’ve been baptized, attended church several
times a week and had a strong relationship, understanding and respect for God. I don’t have much of a
memory of her parents’ marriage or of them even together as they divorced when I was about two or
three. My father wasn’t really in the picture much, in and out through my entire life so I guess you can
say that I drew close to my mother and her side of the family.
When I became a teenager, it had become prevalent to me that God had a play in every part of
our lives. However, being a teenager, you rebel somewhat and have to discover yourself. Understanding
your new hormones, body changes and trying to figure out who you are and what you want to become is
hard. You don’t want to be told what to do, the desires of the world seemed fun, doing bad things as a
teenager, at times, seemed like a good idea. Oftentimes, you forget that God is still there and the
relationship that you once had with him, is fading. However, I knew God would always be there and I
always prayed.
When you are a teenager, it’s almost as if you don’t want anyone telling you what to do, how to do it nor
when to do it. You feel like you are already an adult and you know it all. I guess you can say that between
the ages of fifteen and eighteen my relationship with God was already straining.
New Beginnings
To me, this was a golden year. I had finished high school in October 2010, so I basically was
waiting to walk for graduation and get my diploma. June came, I graduated with honors. This was my
year. I turned eighteen, I started college and I began the next chapter of my life. I felt like God was
guiding me on my decision to stay close at home and attend college due to everything that was going on.
My grandmother had taken ill, and I just didn’t feel comfortable leaving. I still needed guidance, even
though in my head, as an eighteen-year-old I didn’t think so. That August,I started my first semester of
college, not knowing what to expect. I thought that the high school classes in which I excelled
would also be favorable to me in college. Boy was I wrong. I found myself hanging out with
people my age who didn’t have the same religious background, other college students who basically
partied, and just had a good time. I thought to myself, “they don’t seem so bad.” Their habits were
rubbing off on me, I was starting to participate in the same activities that they were, drinking and cursing.
All of these I knew were something that was looked down on by God.. I soon lost myself, lost everything
I once knew not long ago and began doing as the peers around me were doing.
I felt as if God gave me a wakeup call quickly because after the first semester, I was on
academic probation. My advisor warned me that I would be expelled if I didn’t improve my GPA. Once
my second semester of classes began, I took control by choosing classes I knew would be up my alley, I
paid attention in my classes and studied more. My classes were much better, I wasn’t just thrown into
classes like my first semester due to scheduling late and basically deciding late that I even wanted to
attend this college. It was all still fresh to me, this new world as a young adult. One thing that
I learned in college was that not all people were bad, in fact we were almost all the same. We all had the
same dreams of scoring a job to take care of ourselves and our families. We had different backgrounds
though, and
different perceptions on how certain things in life should be, yet I didn’t see the harm in a lot of the new
faces around me.
A Bump in The Road
At this point, I was going into my sophomore year with what I thought was the major I wanted. I
was still in those general education classes, exploring all the university had to offer. Late September
comes, and my aunt who is like a second mother to me, tells us all that she has lung cancer. It took us all
by shock and surprise, this was the first time we had to deal with cancer since my grandmother’s breast
cancer back in 2000. She beat it and here we are, twelve years later dealing with a family tragedy again.
My college career took a hit, as I was stressed with the rest of my family on what would happen moving
forward with my aunt. When you hear cancer, you immediately think of the worse. We all draw close to
God and me, for the first time in a year or so, finally realize that I need to draw back closer to God and I
never stopped praying that year. My aunt has surgery, gets her lung removed, goes through treatments
and recovers. By this time, its 2013, things are starting to go back to normal. It feels like God answered
our prayers and watched over her. The next years after this, are going decently. As a college student, I
changed my major several times because I felt like my calling was in something much more than the
computer science major I initially signed up for in the beginning. I jump between pre-med, biology, pre-
vet, business-- All over the place.
The new year was here, I’m in a good place. Of course, the new year started off with my great
aunt, my grandmother’s sister passing away from cancer. However, my relationship with God was
stronger and I still prayed a lot about the decisions I was about to make. Of course, I hadn’t graduated
college due to all the major changes, so I went to my advisor and asked them what major would be a good
fit for me with the classes I have taken because at this point I was ready to get school over with and begin
the next chapter. God kept pushing me because there were many times I wanted to give up and not finish.
The beginning of summer arrives, we have a family reunion, the first family reunion in over eighteen
years with our family and extended family. It’s a happy time, I feel like God's presence in our family is
strong and it makes me grow to love him so much more because I feel like with him, I cannot lose. I’m
getting to understand in my life, about who I am and some of the things that I may want in the future.
God, I need you now, more than
ever.
So, 2017, another new year. I decided that I was going to get an on-campus job working in the
student union as a cashier. I prayed about it, got the job and worked there for about three months. At this
time, I was trying to handle an eighteen credit hour course, it wasn’t recommended but I was ready to
graduate and speed things up. I had to quit my job because there was no way I was going to have it
interfere with college, I talked to God and asked Him if I was making the right decision and I went for it.
February comes, my aunt's husband dies from cancer. As I said earlier, we are a close-knit family, so
rushing to be by her side was a no brainer. At this time, God had already helped me on a journey to
pursue law school and I was slated to take the Law School Admission Test (LSAT), literally the day after
we found out about my aunts’ husband. It totally slipped my mind because I ended up missing it. I prayed
to God that next day and asked him to help me and our family to deal with this tragedy. My aunt had
nowhere to go, and basically nothing so my mom invited her to come live with us since we had the extra
room. Of course, God was a major step in this decision as prayer moved us to decide.
By April, my cousin died from cancer. Yet another death happens, I asked God to help me understand
what is going on with our family. That May, I started the summer semester, my last semester
as I only needed to complete three classes to graduate to finish the remaining three classes to
graduate in august is set to begin Tuesday. That Sunday, I found out my dad died. I was crushed, I didn’t
understand what God was putting me through, or what I did to deserve all of this grief in my life.
Especially in what I thought going to be such a happy time, closing a chapter and trying to begin a new
one. A month before my birthday…my dad died and I was so hurt, confused, ready to give up and I kept
asking God for
understanding and help through such a difficult time. He helped me not only get up for the first day of
school after being depressed in my room for days earlier, but I pushed through that month. The month
ended with my cousin, getting married. Finally, something happy in our family to get some sort of joy and
take all of our minds off the past tragedies. God joined their union together and blessed them.
My favorite month of every year begins after that, June, my birthday month, and the official
month of summer. At this point, I’m still pushing through, I am still going to summer school and I am
trying to remain positive, I am still asking God for his help to push through and finish. God blesses me
with seeing another year alive on my birthday, but unfortunately a week later, another great aunt dies.
My grandmother’s last sister out of five, She’s heartbroken, we are all heartbroken, it all happened so
fast. I turned to God but this time it was in denial of Him even listening to my prayers, asking Him what
I did for him to punish me with all these deaths and taking all the people I loved. I began to lose hope.
I knew this month was giving me a bad reason because this is also the same month that my aunt
who once beat lung cancer, got sick with this, what the family thought was “cold” that she had convinced
us was going on, was really another spot on her other lung. Like seriously? The family has taken enough,
and this just hits like a ton of bricks. At this point my mind is all messed up. Things just start blurring
together, I’m losing my faith, I’m questioning God. “Why God? “Why is this happening?” It feels like a
rain cloud. I still have this small inkling of hope though, we draped closer than ever as a family with
prayer and to God to help us through this time and to help my aunt. She beat it once; I know she can do it
again and I know God can help her through it again. By late July, it isn’t getting better and she’s in and
out of the hospital. Finally, I’m doing summer school, and preparing to graduate. I was hoping deep
down that my aunt would be there to see it happen, but it didn’t happen. In fact, the days after I graduated
college, my aunt was taken to hospice and that next week, two days before her birthday, she was gone. I
sunk deep into depression and I often questioned God. At this point I was wondering if God was even
real, Real in my life, real to me. I lost my hope, my love and my relationship with God for the rest of that
year. I didn’t understand why he was making all of these bad things happen to me, and why he was taking
people from me that I cared and loved. I prayed to him constantly, but he wasn’t helping me, so I gave up.
The next year came in, and I realized that things weren't going back to the way
they were. The life I wished I had, the easy life, hadn't happened either. At this point, I
decided to pick up my Bible and just begin reading. At this point, I decided to pick up my Bible
and just begin reading, I knew that I needed help and the only person I could turn to was God. I spent far
too many years of my life having some sort of relationship with God to take my anger out on him and just
say goodbye. I don’t believe anymore. My aunt, who was dying with cancer, held her faith in God until
her last breath. and I couldn’t help but think of this when I prayed. If she could have hope that even if her
end was coming God would still take care of her, why couldn’t I? I soon began to realize again, death is a
part of life and we all have our seasons of grief, heartache, and trauma. I soon had a new outlook on life
because I tried to take a job within corrections, but that didn’t work out. I prayed to God of course and
read my bible for a new sign. From there, I found myself moving out of the state with a new beginning.
Breakthrough
Leaving behind all the heartache, pain, and grief behind for something bigger. It was rough at
first, and instead of giving up, I drew closer to God for his help and understanding and to see the bigger
picture, the same bigger picture that took me so long to find and see when I experienced a year full of
deaths. I knew that God will never put you through more than you can bear, and that sometimes in life we
are put through tests. I’ve come this far in life, I felt like I had the weight of the world on my shoulders
who had gone through a lifetime of tests and hurt but I wasn’t middle aged, and my life was far from
being in the middle of what I had coming for me. God had bigger plans.
I had stayed on a high of reading my Bible more, connecting and talking to God every day for
almost six months before reality struck again. Life got hard and before I had realized it, I was finding
myself drifting from God again. I was losing the relationship that I had just, what had seemed, gotten
back with God. I prayed when I could remember, my Bible was beginning to collect dust again and I was
finding myself enjoying negativity, drama and the things of the world. It was as if the things I loved and
enjoying doing took a back seat because I was focused on all the wrong things.
Here we go, again
Of course, with all of the changes I had undone, in 2019 my grandmother asked us to visit her and
kept motioning to my mother about making sure all of her affairs were in order. Of course, it tipped us off
something that might have been going on, but she always prepared us. We visited home that February, my
grandmother gave an indication that she was sick but didn't fully come out and say it. The visit was really
enjoyable. It felt like old times even though I had caught a cold as soon as we arrived. April came, my
grandmother finally told us the truth, the cancer is back but this time it isn’t as easy as getting surgery to
remove it. I’m not sure what the doctors really said or if she declined treatment due to her age, but for so
long I have wondered and pondered over it, again and again. Maybe she had made peace with her
condition and God, prayed about it and this was it. She always knew death was a part of life and she
shared a strong relationship with God.
That next month, she was gone. It happened so fast, like a blink of an eye. I replayed all of our memories
together over and over again. Losing a grandparent, is just as hard as losing a parent, it burns. May was
proving to be a horrible month again like it was in the past couple of years. I couldn’t help but to think of
2017 all over again. I found myself reaching out to God for his help yet again, I felt his hand touch me
because I felt numb the whole funeral planning, services and all. I was calm, but when I was behind
closed doors, I lost it. God carried me through though, I didn’t feel as low as I did when my aunt and
father died. This time, I didn’t blame God for what had happened either.
Reconnecting
The amazing thing about God is, He never forgets about his children. He loves us all
unconditionally as long as we show that we love Him too. This time, I felt like God was telling me to seek
Him first and put my burdens upon Him for more understanding. Sometimes, in the hardest part of our
lives we have to realize that we are not alone. I felt alone so many times when I went through grief and I
didn’t realize that all I had to do was pray to God. He was always there, waiting and wanting to listen. It’s
hard to fight the temptations of things that may look fun at first but can pull you so far away. I’ve
watched my peers, get sucked into the temptation and desires of the world with money, fame, and what
they think is having a good time. You can easily lose yourself in no time and find yourself on a road
going to nowhere very fast. Unfortunately, so many people don’t have that second chance to redeem
themselves and return and reach back out to God. I am very thankful that I was.
Present Day
In my journey today, I find myself being so much more appreciative of the things I have in front
of me, rather than dwelling on what I do not have. I wake up with optimism, and I pray to God to guide
and direct me for whatever may come to be. It’s not easy. I still have moments where I just think of all
my loved ones who left far too soon, and it draws me back closer to God because I know He will get me
through. No temporary happiness is worth risking my relationship with God. He had brought me this far
that I knew He was real; I knew that my prayers were being answered in one way or another. Anyone else
in my situation would have caved under the pressure and done something they couldn’t reverse. Every
time I reached out to God, prayed to Him , read my bible, He was always there. I knew that He would
forgive me because God understood that we, as humans,sin but we are able to ask for forgiveness. We are
given a chance to not only have our sins forgiven but to be with him closer eventually.
Today, we are dealing with a pandemic, unfortunately, that some people are taking seriously,
and some are not. It has claimed many lives, and left others where they have permanent lifelong altering
problems moving forward. It’s easy to overlook it when it isn’t necessarily affecting you personally. As
for myself, I always like to view both ways of a situation before I make a determination and choice. It
has hit close to home as my last aunt was recently hospitalized for several weeks with COVID-19.
Getting a call that she was getting worse and was on a ventilator was not the news I wanted to hear. I
prayed so much to God those weeks that I know some of my prayers were starting to sound alike. I knew
I could handle this situation, this time because of what God had been building me up for in the past
years. Though, it was only a year since my grandmother passed, we came together as a family and
remained
positive. Our prayers had to have been answered as my aunt miraculously came off the ventilator and is
now in rehab at a nursing facility for the next month or so.
I think God has a way of giving you a wakeup call sometimes. Your faith can constantly be
tested, but it’s how you react and how you deal with that test that will show you the bigger picture. I feel
like my faith has been tested many times, and I sometimes wish that all that I have dealt with in my short
period of living wasn’t true; but it very much is and it is a true reality of having faith in God. I know that
God knew what I could handle and how much I could bear, even when I doubted myself and him. I reflect
on my life experiences that have made me a stronger person moving forward. In my own way, I think that
it was God’s way of building me up to be a stronger person moving forward so that I could deal with just
about anything coming my way. Through everything that has happened, it made me look at my life and
what I was doing in itI felt like if I wasn’t doing right, then of course God was not about to listen to my
prayers, but I was wrong.
In conclusion, if my faith story proves anything, it’s that life happens. It picks no particular
person and sometimes you lose your way and lose your relationship with God even though you don’t
realize it. It’s so refreshing when you finally do establish your relationship with God. I think it’s like a
parent who watches their child go and make decisions on their own, regardless of how they were raised,
and they sometimes have to let them make their own choices. The same could be said about God. He
knows that you know about Him and all about what He expects from you. Sometimes you lose your way
and drift away from home. He allows you to go and make those mistakes, but he is always waiting on
you when you return and need Him, just like a parent. My faith journey has been anything but easy, but I
pushed through and I wouldn’t have been able to do that without the power of God in my life. God has
made an impact in my life, especially in the past couple of years. Reading my Bible, I realize how much
He promises, that I shouldn’t continue to reflect on my sins because He has forgiven me for them. God
has truly given me true peace now that I have a steady and strong relationship with him. I am thankful
every day that he gives me because so many people don’t have the same opportunities .
