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Michelle Barsom EDUC 746
Personal Conflict Project: Part 2 – Reconciliation Plan Assignment
1. Describe the material issues in this conflict.
The material issues in the conflict are centered around my fiancé and I and the decisions
being faced moving forward in our relationship. We have both had strong arguments on the best
way to advance our relationship so that ultimately, we can be together; however, there have been
differences of opinion. We met online. I live in the United States, and he lives in Turkey.
Therefore; distance is a definite concern. We have had endless discussions about the best visa
possibilities, spousal or fiancé. There has been a great deal of continual conversation, as all
options were weighed, and the pros and cons were discussed.
2. Describe the personal issues or offenses in this conflict.
It has created emotional distress for both of us as we have considered each possibility in our
relationship. The distance between my location in the United States and his home in Turkey is
over 6,000 miles so we cannot meet face-to-face often and that is difficult. We talk multiple
times a day but it makes a difference when two people are actually together. I would have to say
that for both of us, the distance is the greatest personal issue. We try to come together every
couple of months but that is difficult and expensive. We have not committed offenses against
each other and have worked very well trying to find an amicable solution.
3. Write down everything you can think of that is noble, right, or admirable about the
other person in this dispute, including good memories or ways God has blessed you
through that person.
He is one of the most honorable men that I know. There is one thing that I can say about a
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Turkish man and that is he will always take care of you. He is always concerned about my well-
being. He will not let me purchase anything, which can be frustrating, but that is the Turkish
custom. It was the most peaceful time in August when we were in Turkey at a hot spring and
simply sitting together holding hands. Memories like that are what is important to me.
4. What rights, legally or morally, do you have in this situation?
I have the moral right to marry the man I love. We both love each other and simply would
like to be together. It is the bureaucratic processes that are making the situation more difficult.
Once we get married, we will have legal justification that can be of assistance. Therefore, that is
the path we are currently moving toward.
5. Which of the personal issues or offenses described can you simply overlook? Which of
the material issues described can you simply give in on?
I can easily overlook the Turkish traditions that he follows. I actually find it charming. He has
not committed any personal offenses of note. The main material issue is the distance between us
and that is something that we will both have to continue to handle. We cannot speed up the
process of immigration services, nor can either of us afford to continually travel back and forth
between continents. Thus, we must continue to live our lives with occasional visits and regular
conversation.
6. Which listening skills do you have a hard time with: waiting, attending, clarifying,
reflecting, or agreeing? Write down some things you will do or say to overcome these
weaknesses.
The listening skill that I have the most difficulty with is probably clarification. This more than
likely results from the language barrier. He did complete English as a Second Language,
however, there are still some areas that need further explanation. As Americans, we all think that
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English is the easiest language to learn, when, in fact, it is not. I have also found that Turkish is
extremely difficult for me. The best thing for me to do is slow down and break down what I am
saying if it is a complex topic. I have found that this makes it easy for him to understand the
point that I am trying to get across.
7. How can you show that you are trying to believe the best about the other person (i.e.,
making charitable judgments)?
He is one of the best people I know so it is not difficult to believe the best about him. I always
listen to his opinion regarding our personal situation and the possible paths to take. We have
discussed every outcome imaginable, along with cost and timelines. In our daily conversations, I
always ask if he has any new insights and, if so, make notes to use for further investigation. At
the end of the conversation, we put all of our notes together and discuss where we currently stand
in regards to marriage and immigration.
8. Which worldly weapons have you been using, or are you tempted to use, in this
situation?
The only worldly weapons I would consider using are marriage and immigration and those
are not against someone in conflict but a means to an end. I do not want to do anything against
my fiancé. He has done nothing that warrants a spiteful response as he has been nothing but
helpful and charitable. In addition, acting against someone else in a personal conflict is going
against the Lord’s word. If my fiancé and I continue to pray and work together, we will be
together.
9. Have you been using your tongue to bless your opponents or to speak critically of
them? How could you breathe grace to them in the days ahead?
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Throughout this episode, I have only spoken positively about my fiancé. He has done nothing
that has caused a negative reaction. I will only continue to pray that we reach a solution quickly,
preferably without the greatest cost. As we have increasingly turned the situation over to God,
we have found that the answers are coming easier. Hence, there is hope that a solution is not that
far away.
10. To whom can you turn for godly advice and encouragement?
I have tremendous support from my family. My fiancé is one source of support. My mother is
also a great source of encouragement due to her strength. She continually reminds me to be true
to who I am and never let anyone change me. I also have two men who were my mother’s ESL
students whom I consider my Turkish brothers. They provide regular advice and remind me to
never abandon my beliefs.
11. What can you keep on doing in this situation that is right?
I will continue to work with my fiancé every day to find the right solution. In addition, prayer
in our daily lives has been instrumental, both in providing comfort but also guidance as we
search for answers. We are determined to find the right solution and are convinced that we are
fairly close to that solution now. Regular communication is critical, as each idea can be key in
the path to an answer. As long as we keep communication open, we will find the path that will
bring us together.
12. Would it be wiser to communicate in person, on the phone, or by means of a letter?
Why?
The best means of communication for us right now is over the phone. Distance and cost
are the obstacles to a face-to-face meeting. Communicating with a letter would take too long
with the postal service. It might take two to three weeks for a letter to reach the destination. As a
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result, our regular communication via the phone is the most feasible option. There is a seven-
hour time difference between us, but the connection is instantaneous and we can talk, text, or
video chat.
13. Clearly articulate your plan for resolving this dispute over the next two weeks.
We have a plan to resolve our marital dispute over the next two weeks through our regular
communication. We have endless notes and several possible plans in place. We are planning to
talk over the plans, take a night to pray, and the next day discuss our preferences. This needs to
be done rather quickly as I am scheduled to fly to Turkey in October and we would like to have a
final solution in place. With God on our side, we believe that we can agree on the best solution
for both of us.
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