Breaking Your Cycle of Abuse
For many survivors of psychological abuse, one of the more terrifying things about the road to recovery
is the fear that all of this will happen again. You were unable to see what was happening to you the first
time, after all, so what’s to stop the cycle from repeating?
The simple answer is: you. You are not the same person you were at the end of the relationship, or even
at the beginning. You have worked hard to recover and find yourself again and, through doing so, have
slowly built yourself a set of armor against anyone who might feel inclined to try something similar.
Lightning can and does strike twice, unfortunately, as there is a surprising number of people out there
who are inclined towards abusive behavior, whether consciously or not. But that doesn’t mean you have
to let them give in to those inclinations.
To reassure you that you are not destined to experience the same thing all over again, work through
these steps in your own time to bolster that armor and prepare your way to healthy relationships that
will make you happy.
1. Create Clear Boundaries
Emotional abusers take control of you. It becomes their choice how you feel, what you do and
even what happens to your body. That feeling is excruciating, as you well know. The best way to
ensure you never feel it again is to build boundaries around yourself that you will never allow
another person to cross without your permission.
That doesn’t mean building walls around your heart. It means accepting and deeply internalizing two
ideas: first, that no person has the right to tell you what emotions to feel. Second, that no
person has the right to touch or affect your body without permission.
In practice, that could mean firmly telling a friend or colleague that you are not comfortable with them
placing a hand on your knee and asking them to stop. If they continue, take whatever step
necessary to stop them while making it clear you will not tolerate it.
Or it could mean accepting you feel smothered and on edge when a new partner wants to spend every
waking moment with you. It’s not a bad thing to want to make a loved one happy, but your own
needs must also be considered, so you are perfectly within your rights to let them know you
need your own space.
2. Take Things Slowly
The beautiful thing about a new relationship – and this can also apply to a friendship – is that
the feelings it brings are addictive. Being with that person makes you feel wonderful and you
want more, more and then even more of that feeling.
Things can move very quickly as you fall further into love, but it’s a good idea to make a conscious,
objective decision to slow them down if you feel that happening. If this really is a relationship or
friendship that is going to stand the test of time, there’s no hurry and no need to fall into
patterns accidentally rather than through your own making.
However hard it may seem when your heart is begging you for more, put on the brakes and make sure
you are truly deciding how this relationship settles into place and that your decisions are as
much for your own needs as the other person’s.
3. Enjoy Your Own Company
Particularly if you were in an abusive relationship for many years, being alone can seem nothing
short of terrifying. It’s natural to look for a pillar to lean against when you are working on the
tough issues that the abuse left behind.
So strong is that need to have someone else to rely on (and natural, it should be pointed out) that it’s all
too easy to rush into the arms of a new lover simply for the relief of no longer dealing with all
this alone. On the other hand, there’s a reason 12-step programs for addiction advise members
to avoid new attachments at first.
Until you feel whole and complete once again and have gotten to know yourself all over, you really aren’t
ready to be one half of a duo. You may even pick an unsuitable target, setting your sights on the
first and most available potential partner.
It’s understandable, but it will hamper your progress. Until you feel truly complete and the after effects
of abuse are no longer whispering in your ear, avoid new attachments as much as you can. Give
yourself the time you need to learn who and what you really are, without complications from
another person’s presence. The better you know yourself, the stronger you will be when it comes
time to forge those new bonds.
4. Work On Your Assertiveness
If there’s one thing an emotional abuser abhors, it’s someone who knows what they want and
need and is unafraid of communicating those things. This runs counter to what the abuser needs
from you because it’s difficult to impose your will on someone if they are willing to say no when
it’s necessary.
Most of us, abuse victims or not, will avoid this kind of assertiveness in a romantic relationship simply
because we want to make our partner happy. We will put our own needs second and feel a rush
of pleasure when our sacrifice brings happiness to the person we love.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting to make your partner happy, but consider this little-known fact
about emotional abuse: many more people are capable of displaying abusive behavior than we
can easily recognize. Even a person who finds abuse disgusting and would never dream of
deliberately abusing someone they care about can occasionally display the same symptoms.
For instance, have you ever used tears or a cold shoulder to get your way? You didn’t mean it to be, but
that behavior was manipulative and intended to impose your needs over the other person’s.
For this reason, assertiveness in communication is a must for a survivor of abuse. Manipulative behavior
can be a trigger for you, and understandably so, and your remedy for this is to know how to
handle it in the best way for your emotional health.
It can take a long time to fully develop this skill, but don’t worry – you’ll find it easier and easier the
more you try. Communicate your needs each and every time you feel that another person either
does not know what they are or is putting their own needs ahead of them. In the moment that
you do, set a boundary as to how far you are willing to bend in compromise and then ensure
that boundary is not crossed.
A partner in a healthy relationship will appreciate your candidness, even if they don’t quite recognize it
for what it is. A potential abuser, on the other hand, will see a person who isn’t going to be the
easy victim they were looking for; instead, they’ll see a formidable foe it probably isn’t worth
manipulating.
5. Build Your Confidence
Hand in hand with assertiveness comes confidence, something that a narcissistic abuser has a
habit of whittling away. During the abusive relationship, your confidence was likely eroded
through gaslighting, manipulation and criticisms – today, you might feel like you are but a
shadow of the confident person you once were.
As you get to know yourself again, it’s important to take moments when they come that remind you of
the things you like about yourself. Let’s say you suddenly realize you miss jogging in the
mornings (something your abuser didn’t like as it was time away from their control) and decide
you’re going to take it up again. That’s a little piece of the real you that you once treasured.
Remember that feeling and, at the same time, take pride in the strength it has taken to get to
this point of enjoying the real you again.
You should feel proud – you have every reason to feel proud. Breaking out of an abusive situation is
tough and rebuilding your self even tougher. Love the real you as though they were a whole new
person you are only just getting to know. Feel admiration for their achievements and the good
they add to the world.
An assertive person is difficult to control. An assertive, confident person is an even more difficult target.
But someone who is both assertive and confident and also knows the signs of abuse from
personal experience? Virtually impossible.
6. Recruit Your Allies
After following these steps, you should be feeling much less concerned that another abuser will
pick you out as a target, but nobody could blame you if the worry is still niggling at the back of
your brain. The most difficult part of emotional abuse to come to terms with for many survivors
is that you didn’t see it coming.
If you didn’t know you were being abused the first time until it was too late, how can you possibly be
sure that your next partner is as perfect as they seem? That lack of trust can be extremely
harmful in a new relationship, but it’s also very difficult to avoid.
Set yourself a failsafe. Ask a close friend, a family member or even your therapist to be the sentinel
watching the gates for you. Ask more than one person, if you want to. That person will be better
positioned to judge things objectively simply because they are not experiencing the positive
emotions associated with new love.
Check in with your ally or allies regularly and don’t be afraid to ask them to evaluate any incidents in
your new relationship that make you feel unsure. Spend time in the company of both your ally or
allies and your new lover, allowing them to get to know each other so they can see for
themselves how that person is treating you.
Objectivity can be the key to spotting abusive behavior before it takes hold. On the other hand, you
cannot hand over all the responsibility to your ally, because you’re going to need to play your
part here too.
In other words, just as your ally will need to pledge to be honest with you and be a vigilant gatekeeper,
you will need to pledge to listen to them when they alert you to a potential problem. When love
is involved, it’s tempting to dismiss warning signs, as well you know. But with your ally’s help,
you can make sure to give ample consideration to any worrying behavior as and when it
happens.
7. Know the Warning Signs
Narcissistic abusers come in all shapes and sizes, but there are a few warning signs early on in a new
relationship that you can look out for. Forewarned is forearmed, as they say, and it can help you
settle into a relationship to feel confident that you will be able to recognize something is wrong
before it’s too late.
Some of the signs to watch out for include:
●
You feel guilty in response to certain things they say or do and as though you need to give in
to them to make things better.
●
They want to be involved in major decisions affecting your life, even though you are not yet a
partnership at that level.
●
They insult you, even gently. At first, this can seem as though it’s all in the name of fun, but
does it make you feel uncomfortable?
●
They imply that you are not “enough” in certain ways – not clever enough, not competent
enough, not educated enough and so on. This is done in order to justify taking over decisions
for you in the long run.
●
They want to insert themselves into every area of your life and expect you to report to them
about who you are spending time with and where.
●
They are very jealous of other people in your life, even platonic friends – even family
members. They would prefer all your attention be on them.
●
When they have apologized for upsetting you, you feel sure that they have done so
robotically without really understanding why it was an issue.
●
They ask more of you than you feel you should be expected to give.
●
They dismiss your feelings and thoughts when you express them.
●
They make grand, sweeping gestures of love to sweep you off your feet – mainly if they feel
they need to smooth over your emotions.
●
You have tried to bring up an issue in the relationship but, in response, they somehow made
you feel as though it was all in your head or it was your own fault, leaving you feeling
confused. (This is the technique known as “gaslighting”.)
●
You feel stressed about the relationship.
●
They ignore you or give you the cold shoulder when you won’t give them their own way.
●
They have accused you of being “too sensitive”.
●
You feel as though you are walking on eggshells.
At the beginning of a relationship, these signs can be very subtle, but still visible to someone able to
recognize them for what they are.
As a survivor of emotional abuse, you are a stronger and more self aware person than you were
before you met your abuser. It’s not the most enjoyable path to a deeper understanding of
your own needs, hopes and dreams, but it’s still the silver lining to months or perhaps years
of suffering at the hands of your abuser.
Don’t let go of the knowledge you are stronger now and wiser. These things, and the steps you have
now taken will protect you from future hurt and steer you towards a romantic partner who is
truly worthy of your love and attention. Happiness is out there for you – and you are ready
now to take a deep breath and grasp it.
