ALLENDER JOURNAL 2
Allender Journal Chapter Four and Five Assignment
Prompt One
Two things come to mind when I think about passion. Firstly, when I was in high school,
I was a stage manager for my school’s theater, and it was something I was very passionate about.
Most of my free time was spent working on shows and preparing parts of lights, sound, and other
stage equipment for shows and I was incredibly immersed in helping with and running
productions. I love to watch theatrical performances now and take every opportunity I have to
see shows, whether they are local and smaller productions or bigger productions in another state.
I attempted to join the theater in college, but because I attended a liberal arts school, I was not
allowed to participate if I was not majoring in theater. I deeply regret not being a part of any
productions after high school and it makes my heart hurt that I cannot or do not do something I
really love to do.
Secondly, I am passionate about helping others. I have always enjoyed being able to help
others, whether it be helping my parents around the house, helping people in public by lending a
hand, or by volunteering at food banks and homeless shelters, I have always wanted to be of
service to other people. At times, this passion has turned into taking care of others more than
taking care of myself, but I am working on creating a healthy balance between the two,
especially as I am going to become a counselor. It brings me joy to be of assistance to others in a
way that I cannot explain, but I am a very empathetic and caring person, and I always think that
if I were in that person’s shoes, I would want someone to do this; I try not to overstep, but I do
occasionally step in in public. I work as a behavioral therapist for children with autism and I am
passionate about continuing to work with children as a mental health counselor, but for the time
being, I am doing everything I can to help the children I work with by providing behavioral
ALLENDER JOURNAL 3
therapy and advocating for them where they cannot advocate for themselves. I care deeply about
the children I work with, and their families have always expressed gratitude for me and what I’m
doing for their children. Seeing the children make progress reach certain developmental goals
brings me such joy and a sense of life that I hope will carry over into mental health counseling.
Prompt Two
Allender talks about how tragedy shapes our deepest passions, and that tragedy can
appear as abandonment, betrayal, and shame or anything that is an inciting incident in a person’s
life (Allender, 2009). This prompt is very personal to me, and I am going to speak about
something that still brings up a lot of shame and guilt for me, but I am slowly healing from and
still processing to this day. When I was 10 or 11 years old, I began having panic attacks and I
was riddled with so much anxiety about anything and everything that it kept me awake at night
and began manifesting into physical behaviors. I began pulling my hair out and I could not
explain why or understand what was causing it and I chose to hide the behavior. I now
understand the behavior is called Trichotillomania and is a symptom of obsessive-compulsive
disorder (OCD), but when I was a child, I was so confused and ashamed of myself that I then
started experiencing symptoms of depression. My OCD manifested into other behaviors, but
eventually the hair-pulling was noticeable, as my hair was thinning, and I had little to no
eyebrows or eyelashes.
Obviously, my mother noticed and took me to counseling where I was diagnosed with
OCD and anxiety, but the damage was done. I was so ashamed of how I looked, and the
behaviors were out of control, so I felt guilty for continuing to act on the OCD, and on top of
that, I still attended public middle school where other children noticed my hair missing. I think I
was in denial about how bad my appearance was that I was able to brush off the nasty looks or
ALLENDER JOURNAL 4
comments about my “mohawk” as my hair grew back, but I went home every day and cried
myself to sleep. I think I was in denial about how bad my mental health was in general, and I was
angry that my mother had pointed out what was happening and “forced” me to go to counseling,
so much so that I started hiding the behaviors and lying to the counselor about how I was feeling
just to stop going. Obviously, my feelings about counseling have changed significantly and it
took me a while to work up the courage, but I did eventually start going all through college and
that helped me through a lot of past trauma and anxiety.
I am in a good place now, and I feel as though I am in a healthy place; however, I do still
fight with my OCD symptoms every day and still work on improving my mental health. It has
been a long and painful journey, but I think that this event has shaped my passion because it is
such a personal thing for me. I want to become a counselor for children because that is when I
receive help of my own. I think that it will bring me joy to help a child or adolescent, or even an
adult, so that they will receive the same support I did. This trauma has taken up a large part of
my life and it does show me that “all passion is founded on pain” because I think that is true for
me (Allender, 2009). I am still seeing a counselor and I am still working on myself and my
health, but I am in a good place now and I have grown so much because of this tragedy because
of what it set into motion.
