Running head: CONFLICT IN MARITAL RELATIONSHIPS 1
Interaction Paper II: Conflict in Marital Relationships
Liberty University
CONFLICT IN MARITAL RELATIONSHIPS 2
Conflict in Marital Relationships
Conflict in marriage is inevitable. Over time, there is a great deal of interdependence and
this causes couples to be more vulnerable and prone to conflict. Our ultimate goal should be to
grow into the image of Christ. If marital conflicts are handled appropriately, God can use them to
bring a couple closer to Him and one another. Ephesians 4:26-27 says “In your anger, do not sin:
Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold (NIV).
In this verse, God is speaking about all conflict, but it is especially true to communicate with
your spouse to resolve any conflicts and not carry that bitterness over to a new day. Satan hates
the idea of a God-ordained marriage, especially between a couple that wants to please Him. He
will do everything in his power to tear apart what God has brought together. In this paper, we
will examine a few of the main topics of marital conflict and discuss effective strategies and
communication methodologies to resolving them.
Context of the Conflict
Conflict management is one of the most important determinants of the well-being of a
marital relationship and marital satisfaction. Marital conflicts can cause minor disputes or full-
blown arguments that can be destructive to a marriage. This is characterized by threats,
manipulation, coercion, avoidance, competitiveness, or retaliation. According to Greef and
DeBruyne (2000) to engage in constructive conflict requires such behaviors as: “flexibility,
interaction with the intent to learn instead of intent to protect, enhancement of self-esteem, a
relationship focus instead of individual focus, and cooperation” (p. 330). Not practicing these
constructive behaviors and engaging in destructive behavior can have harmful effects on the
mental and physical well-being, along with damaging effects to the family overall.
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Marital conflict has been linked to depression, eating disorders, and alcoholism. Physical
aggression occurs in 30% of married couple in the US, which leads to physical injury in about
10% of couples. It is also the most common context for homicide (Fincham, 2003). The spouse’s
upbringing can play a role in how conflict is handled. Destructive behavior can stem from poor
parenting and the behaviors demonstrated to our children can later be reflected in their lives. It is
important to lead by example in how we deal with conflict within our home, for our children to
be able to respond adequately to future situations. Titus 2:7 says “show yourself in all respects to
be a model of good works, and in your teaching show integrity and dignity (ESV). A limitation to
this assumption is the parent coming to know the Lord while the child is still in the home. Is the
harm already done or it irreversible? At what age is it too late to overcome those negative
impacts with positive ones to the point where it doesn’t cause future negative behavior? In many
marriages, the struggles are similar. However, there are some topics that are more emotionally
charged than others and are a frequent topic in marital disputes.
Major Issues and Their Cause
The topics of potential conflict with in a marriage are numerous and can typically include
disputes regarding finances, in-laws, communication, child-rearing disagreements, household
chores, lack of/or need for intimacy, and jealousy. Out of these topics, there are four that are most
frequented. According to Papp, Cummings, and Goeke-Morey (2009), a study was conducted
that resulted in the most frequent topics of marital conflict as being: children, household chores,
communication, and money.
Children
I don’t have children of my own, but I have heard many times about the extra pressure
that having children puts on a relationship. It effects a couple’s finances, intimacy, and mood.
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Parenting is demanding and stressful, which requires experience and patience. Raising children
can cause power struggles between husband and wife, especially if they were raised differently.
The wife’s idea of how their child should be raised can be much different than the husbands.
These are discussions that should be had before the baby arrives, so that when these
conversations inevitably arise a solution is already available. Arguments involving children can
stem from various upbringing of the parents, but can also be caused by other underlying issues.
According to Tessina (2008) the causes of the argument can start before children are even
born. The question of “to have children or not” can cause conflict and should be discussed before
marriage. This question could stem from a financial concern, fear, disruption in career, having no
family support, or scarcity problem (time/sex). A new baby changes everything about a couple’s
life and it all happens overnight. Many couples are not equipped to handle such a drastic change
so quickly. The effects of sleep deprivation and the overwhelming of the massive responsibility
is a major issue for couples and the ideal conditions for marital conflict.
Household Chores
The major issue and causes of this type of conflict is that in many marriages both are
pursuing careers. They are each tired after work and want to relax. The husband may feel that it
is his wife’s responsibility to take on a majority of the chores, but his wife may view this as
being unfair. Although we have come a long way in this area, where when back in the 50s and
60s, many women stayed at home and it was her primary job to tend to all housework, there is
still some work to be done. Today, many women work full time jobs, just like their husbands.
Although they work full time, many household responsibilities still fall to women. This can be
stressful and lead to marital conflict. According to McVeigh (2012) analysis by the Institute for
Public Policy reveals that 8 out of 10 married women do more household chores, while 1 in 10
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married men does an equal amount. For Christians, this is often a difficult topic to reconcile
when both trying to pursue careers and follow His Word. Titus 2 calls for women to work at
home and be submissive to their husbands. Many times, a husband’s help around the house is
viewed as a favor and sometimes their failure to help is out of sheer obliviousness. Women need
this support and they may begin to feel underappreciated, when it is not provided. This is an area
where communication is going to be important.
Communication
A major source of conflict within marriage is communication. In my opinion, the
avoidance style of conflict management can be one of the most damaging. Lack of
communication between spouses lead to bitterness. Women tend to want to overcommunicate
and men tend to shy away from wanting to discuss any problems that arise. This causes women
to eventually bottle up those feelings and leaves the husband surprised when he learns that she is
considering divorce. He thinks it’s an overreaction, but in actuality it stems from the
compounding of unresolved issues. The problems could have been dealt with early on if
communication was a priority.
Many times, life gets busy and we don’t take the time to communicate. In a world of
distractions, communication must be intentional. A healthy marriage requires time, affection, and
communication. According to Hallowell and Hallowell (2010) today’s “stay in touch” technology
can take a toll on a relationship. Our desire to stay connected to the outside world and what’s
going on, sometimes overshadows the relationship that is right front of us. In regards to a marital
relationship, the problems of communication are two-fold. They involve not communicating your
feeling at all or not communicating them in the right manner. Both are dangerous and should be
discussed between a husband and wife. Typically, the relationship does not start out this way. It
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may be helpful to understand at what point the spouse caused the other to shut down. Or what
life event or change occurred that caused the communication to cease.
Money
Money is a topic that is particularly stressful to a marriage. Papp (2009) expresses that
“financial disagreements are characterized by greater length and repetitiveness and more
negative emotions that other sources of conflict. Husbands and wives reported that they and their
partners expressed more depressive behavior during conflict about money relative to other
topics” (p.100). Conflicts over money can occur for many reasons. The most often is economic
hardship, but it can also stem from a spouse’s spending habits, debt, or the separation of funds.
This is a main cause of marital conflict, because money is emotional.
Money is not just a number on the bank statement or a piece of paper. It’s security, it’s the
future, its freedom, its power, and an expression of self-worth. Tessina (2008) argues that the
emotional aspect of money is the reason a simple discussion of earnings, spending, and planning
for the future can quickly turn into a marital war. Attitudes toward money can vary greatly
between a husband and wife and can derive from the scarcity of money or the overindulgence of
money as a child. Both spouse’s history and emotional connection with money should be
considered when discussing it to avoid conflict and to make the conversation of spending,
saving, and budgeting a little easier.
Communication Methodologies
According to Greeff and DeBruyne (2000) the results of their study showed that the
spouses were most satisfied within their marriage when they actively engaged in collaborative
and problem-solving techniques. The requirements for using the collaborative conflict
management style are equal power and a climate of trust. The use of the style then produces
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mutual commitment to solutions and adds to the relationship climate of trust and openness.
(Greeff & DeBruyne, 2000.) Understanding that a spouses’ view and opinions are just as
valuable as our own is a key factor in collaboration. Engaging in collaboration gives an
opportunity for a win-win solution. When a husband and wife are working toward the same goal
and on the same plan to reach that goal, conflict will be minimized, because expectations were
previously set. Just as listening and clarification are crucial factors in the collaborative process,
there are some factors that should be avoided. According to Harley (2011) there are four enemies
to intimate conversations. They include: making demands, being disrespectful, expressing anger,
and dwelling on mistakes (past or present). Although collaboration is typically the preferred
method in interpersonal conflict, there are times that the other methodologies should be used.
Wisdom should be sought when determining which method to be used when discussing the main
topics of marital conflict. Fortunately, there are effective strategies that can be utilized when
handling such conflict.
Effective Strategies
Communication skills
An effective strategy when choosing to collaborate through a marital conflict is to utilize
effective communication methods. According to Bailey (2009) using active listening skills such
as “I” statements are less offensive to the other person. The spouse should also ask for
clarification when they are unsure of the request. A major strategy to be used is allowing the time
for your spouse to cool off before discussing the issue. This is one I struggle with. I want to
discuss and resolve the issue in that same moment, which opens each of us up to saying hurtful
things to one another. Allowing time to cool off is very important and can allow you some time
to think and gain perspective. In addition, not revisiting past issues during a conflict is important
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so that it does not escalate. Focus on the matter being discussed and do not bring up the past.
Discussing the issue with mutual respect is going to allow for a quicker resolution.
Marriage Counseling/ Therapy
Sometimes in marriage there comes to a point where one-on-one collaborative
communication is not working. It may always begin with the objective of being collaborative,
but easily turn aggressive. At this point, contacting a third party, such as a marriage counselor
may be the best strategy. A marriage counselor takes on a role of a mediator. Cahn and Abigail
(2014) explains how mediators actively listen to both sides and presents professional advice.
They are neutral and fair throughout the process and give the same amount of attention to both
parties. Marriage counseling should be sought by a Godly counselor who is willing to show the
couple what the Bible says about marriage and the role of husband and wife. Many times,
marriage counselors can be the last opportunity to prevent divorce. Both parties must be open
and have a desire to make it work for counseling to be effective. Bray and Jouriles (1995)
explain that reviewers of marital conflict literature agree that therapy is an effective strategy to
reduce marital conflict in the short term. The study also indicates some long-term positive effects
for promoting marital stability and preventing divorce. Therapists suggest that “booster sessions”
may be necessary to maintain the gains established during the initial sessions.
Seek God
Philippians 4:6 says “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and
supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God (ESV). God is not last
on the list, because he should be the last resort. Quite the contrary, we should be seeking Him
every step of the way and in every conflicting situation we encounter. This is especially true in
our marriage. We should be praying for our spouses daily and asking the Lord to guard our
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relationship. Sande (2007) encourages us to glorify God in the way we handle conflicts. Glorying
God asks the question: “How can I please and honor God in this situation” (p. 38)? This requires
us to think about others’ desires and goals. The best way we can do this is to demonstrate love,
mercy, thoughtfulness, and wisdom. Anyone can choose to handle conflict poorly by allowing
harsh words or violence to intervene. It takes a Christian that is seeking to please Him to handle
conflict with grace. The Bible speaks extensively regarding such grace and forgiveness.
Recommendations for Further Study
A limitation to the study of marital conflict is considering the current family dynamics.
This could mean traditional families, blended, same-sex relationships, culturally diverse families,
empty nesters, and extended families. It could even go a step further and elaborate on marital
conflicts within cultures, such as how the main topics of marital conflict vary from culture to
culture. Are there different methodologies and strategies that are more effective in other cultures?
It would be naïve to think that resolving marital conflict is a one-size fits all situation. That’s not
the case in the United States and would most certainly not the case in other cultures.
In conclusion, marital conflict is difficult and many times God puts obstacles in our way
to bring us closer to our spouse. Children are most certainly a gift from the Lord, but the strain it
could put on a relationship is difficult, if one is not seeking for the Lords guidance. There are
effective strategies available in dealing with issues such as money, communication, and
household chores and these matters should be discussed in the most collaborative way possible.
Seeking Godly counsel is always a good idea in this type of conflict and should be considered
before discussing divorce. Marriage is God-ordained and He wants nothing more for us to be
happy in our marriages and serve Him together.
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References
Bailey, S. (2009). Couple relationships: Communication and Conflict Resolution. Montana State
University: MontGuide. Retrieved on June 30, 2017 from
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Cahn, D. & Abigail, R. (2014). Managing conflict through management. Upper Saddle River,
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Harley, W. (2011). His Needs, Her Needs. Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Publishing.
McVeigh, T. (2012). Forty years of feminism- but women still do most of the housework. The
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Papp, L., Cummings, E., & Goeke-Morey, M. (2009). For Richer, for Poorer: Money as a Topic
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2017 from www.jstor.org/stable/20456839.
Sande, K (2007). The peacemaker. (3rd ed). Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Publishing.
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