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Interaction Paper 2
COMS 560 – B02
Janice Hall
March 11, 2016
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Abstract
This paper will discuss conflict in marital relationships. Sources of conflict in marital
relationships along with the behaviors of conflict in marital relationships will be identified.
Marital conflict behaviors and implications of divorce will also be discussed.
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Conflict in Marital Relationships
Conflict is natural in any relationship, no matter what type of relationship. “We believe
that conflict is not simply a part of life; conflict is life-an everyday occurrence” (Cahn & Abigail,
2014). Marital relationships have conflict because spouses share intimacy and interdependence.
However, cohesion will help to strengthen the relationship and the relationship will be able to
survive partner disagreements. Not all conflict is bad, and some conflict can produce positive
outcomes. Conflict allows the expression of feelings and can create solutions to problems.
Some topics of conflict in marital relationships include communication, sex, children, finances,
and in-laws.
Constructive conflict is cooperative and relationship-preserving. Constructive behaviors
tend to be a positive manner. Destructive conflict is competitive and relationship-damaging.
Destructive behaviors are negative and can sometimes become hostile. The spouses’ degree of
happiness or unhappiness will affect the communication during a conflict. A distressed or
unhappy couple will make more negative statements and behave in a negative manner in relation
to a nondistressed couple. Examples of negativity include but are not limited to demands,
threats, put-downs, and rejection. A nondistressed or happy couple exhibit accommodation.
Accommodation takes place when one spouse responds in-kind to the partner’s destructive
conflict behavior. “When we effectively manage our conflicts, we can convert destructive
conflicts into productive ones” (Cahn & Abigail, 2014).
Criticism, contempt, and defensiveness can problematic and lead to divorce. Criticism is
a complaint that is personal and communicates disapproval. The criticism is usually hurtful and
can be accompanied by contempt. Contempt communicates disrespect. Defensiveness is found
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to be common in conflict as one attempts to protect his or her own interests. Examples of
defensive responses include excuses and responding to complaints with countercomplaints.
“Defensiveness arises from the interaction of people in a situation and occurs when people have
a perceived flaw that they do not want to admit, and they are sensitive to that flaw” (Cahn &
Abigail, 2014).
In distressed relationships, the individual that is unhappy tends to attribute blame toward
their partner for the relationship problems. The more negative the attributes become, the faster
the relationship satisfaction declines. A hostile complaint can be seen as disapproval by the
partner. This disapproval can cause hurt and the feeling of being devalued. If there are children
involved in the marriage, on-going hostility can affect the children. Hostile marital conflict can
lower children’s self-esteem, lessen their achievements in school, and lead to depression.
Continuous hostile marital conflict can lead to divorce. It has been proven that
individual characteristics play a role in marital outcomes. The understanding of spouses’
backgrounds and characteristics may help in the understanding of marital conflict. It has been
said that divorce rates tend to be higher for those whose parents behaved in a hostile manner. An
individual’s early experiences in life can have an effect on how they function in adulthood. A
secure spouse will tend to compromise and consider their own along with their partners’
interests. It is important that spouses always try to forgive one another because forgiveness will
help contribute to marriage satisfaction. Marital conflict can also be caused by external stressors.
External stressors can have a direct influence on marriages. Stressors and life events can or
cannot be influential for different couples and for different stages of marriages.
Conflict is common to all marriages, and it is sometimes unavoidable. Good conflict
management is the key to a successful marriage. Marital conflict can be resolved by knowing,
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accepting, and adjusting to the spouses’ differences. Selfishness has to be released in marriages.
We as humans are self-centered by nature, but must become one at the exchange of vows. The
goal is to be Christ like and the Bible presented many examples of giving up selfishness: we
must be willing to be last, we must be willing to serve, and we must be willing to love our
neighbors as we love ourselves.
Love must be shown in order to resolve any conflict, but is especially needed in marital
conflict. In a marriage, the spouses should feel that they are each others’ friends and that they
can listen, understand, and work through any problem or conflict. Sometimes this may mean that
one spouse must take the initiative to resolve the conflict rather than waiting on the other spouse
to take the first step. The key to having an open, intimate, and happy marriage is to ask for and
give forgiveness. “Forgiveness is a cognitive process that consists of letting go of feelings of
revenge and desires to retaliate” (Cahn & Abigail, 2014). God insists that we should be
forgivers, and a marital relationship is probably the most important relationship that requires
forgiveness. Marriage is probably the most important relationship because a marriage is joined
together by vows made before God. Forgiveness means that spouses must give up their evil
thoughts and revengeful ways. God has a purpose for everything and I think his purpose for
conflict is to test our faith. Conflicts should be used as an opportunity to strengthen our faith and
to bring glory to God.
