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CCOU 103:
A Woman’s Soul :
Self-Concept, Identity, and Fulfillment
with Sandy Wilson
Lesson Description:
Finding fulfillment in life is dependent on a woman knowing who she is in
Christ. Most women’s self-concept is shaped by important relationships
while growing up -- which may be affirming or hurtful. Learn how women
can transform their lives by allowing God to transform their self-concept.
Learn to recognize a wounded soul (in seven areas of life) and how to help
healing begin and continue.
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Learning Objectives: In this lesson you will learn:
1. How one’s self-concept is developed during childhood.
2. The difference between biblical and unbiblical shame.
3. How a defensive personality structure influences a woman’s life.
4. How God can heal and change a wounded woman.
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About the Speaker: Marriage and Family Therapist, best-selling author,
speaker, and seminar leader. Visiting Professor Trinity Evangelical Divinity
school, AACC Executive Board; Scottsdale, AZ. B.S. University of
Cincinnati; M.A. University of Louisville, Ph.D., The Union Institute.
CCOU 103:A Woman’s Soul : Self-Concept, Identity, and Fulfillment
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I. Introduction
A. Kirk Douglas and the Hitchhiker: Do You Know Who You Are?
B. How do we learn who we are?
II. Self Concept is Developed Through Parent “Mirroring”
A. “Magical Thinking” in young children means...I caused who I am is
the source of all that goes all around me; every interaction becomes a
small piece in the mosaic of self-concept.
B. Consistently Adequate Parents (Not Perfect) Mirror Accurate Self-Concept
C. Children Mirroring Consistently Adequate Parents Learn...
D. I am human, therefore flawed, but I have great potential.
E. I am love-able: able to be loved and to learn to love others.
III. Types of Parent Mirrors
A. Unprepared Parents
1. Didn’t respect the child’s unique traits
2. Held unrealistic expectations (no matter how much I try or do is
not enough)
3. Children Mirroring Through Unprepared Parents Learn
a. I am a disappointment to others.
b. Nothing I do is good enough or right.
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B. Unavailable Parents
1. Were not there when child needed them (perhaps through
distraction, work, death, or divorce). Usually children blame
themselves for the divorce of their parents.
2. Were distracted by depression, anxiety, or other concerns.
3. Were distant or unavailable because of the “isms”: such as
alcoholism, workaholism, etc.
4. Children Mirroring Through Unavailable Parents Learn...
a. I have no value. I’m not worth loving, caring
b. There is something lacking in me worthy of attention.
c. There is something terribly wrong with me just being me.
d. I’m not good enough to warrant attention.
C. Unloving Parents
1. Hands-Off Abuse: verbal or emotional abuse such as ridicule or
rejection.
2. Hands-On Abuse: physical such as angry battering or sexual
abuse such as fondling or sexually improper behavior whether
coerced or forced.
3. Children Mirroring Through Unloving Parents Learn...
a. I do not deserve respectful, life-affirming treatment.
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b. I am hopelessly, uniquely flawed to a degree others
aren’t and I’m worthless.
IV.) Unbiblical Shame
A. Biblical shame acknowledges that all human beings are flawed
because of the fall.
B. Unbiblical shame asserts that I am uniquely and exceptionally
flawed, therefore, worth less than others.
V. Defense by Pretense: it’s not safe to be who you really are. We begin
to defend and pretend to be a perfect person.
A. Sandy’s Story
1. Pleasing others = approval = love
2. Deep longings to be loved
3. Perfectionism as a defense
4. Criticism = disapproval
5. Moral guilt fears punishment.
6. Unbiblical shame fears abandonment. Shame is we know that
there is something terrible with us and if people find out about
it then they will leave us.
B. The Defensive Personality Structure:
1. Develops early in life; we have little or no awareness when we
develop it.
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2. Identity is composed of basic self-concept + defensive
personality structures, we create as they are expressed through
the different roles we play.
3. Plays out in different roles (wife, mother, friend, etc.)
VI. Recognizing Possible Defensive Personality Structure as it Operates
in Seven Major Areas of a Woman’s Life:
A. Spiritual: Deep sense of being unlovable, unforgivable, therefore tends
toward feeling alienated from her disappointed and angry “deity” (this is not
the God of the Bible). It becomes confusing for women that know the Bible,
because they know that “God loves them”, but have this concept of “second
class salvation”- He doesn’t so much loves us, but he grudgingly tolerates us.
B. Personal: Deep sense of being hopelessly flawed, inadequate, and
worthless. Inclined toward unbiblical shame. Frantic pursuit of
perfectionism.
C. Relational: Insecure in her sense of belonging, has a deep sense of
need for belonging, need to earn acceptance and approval from other
people. You feel unsafe when you face criticism from important
people in your life. We barely relax; we want to be people pleasing.
D. Rational: Preponderance of disbeliefs about God, self, and others.
Lies in our belief system.
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E. Emotional: Sadness, depression, anxiety, and anger. Genesis 3 we
discover that the first emotion after the fall was fear. Fear of
abandonment is something God is aware we struggle with, that’s why
He confirmed us over and over again on the word that He will be with
us.
F. Volitional: Choices are made to gain and maintain acceptance from
other people. Our decisions become defensive tactics rather than
reflection of serious and prayerful considerations.
G. Behavioral (outward reflections): Unbalanced focus on relationships
with others dictates her behavior, doing what she thinks will please
them. Women tend to be preoccupied with relationships.
VII. Results:
A. She lives a painful existence.
B. She does not experience fulfillment.
C. She needs to experience soul-deep healing and change.
VIII. Ideal Personality Structure Progressing in Seven Major Areas of
a Woman’s Life Can Be Seen in:
A. Spiritual: “Belovedness”: Deep sense of being fully known, fully
loved, and freely forgiven by her “Abba, Father” God. Abba= daddy,
very personal and intimate.
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1. Ephesians 2:12-13, Ephesians 3:17 (NLT) we’ve been rooted
somewhere painful, but God wants to transplant us and plant us
in His love; James 1:23-25; John 17 huge difference between
knowing God’s love and experiencing His love personally.
2. The key to soul deep healing begins here: knowledge of God’s
love deepened to become the experience of God’s love. Learn
to develop a love relationship with God so that it becomes
an experiential reality, not just theological certainty.
B. Personal: Focus shifts to God’s adequacy rather than her own
inadequacy. Look at the price that was paid to enter this eternal and
beautiful relationship with God.
C. Relational: A secure sense of unseverable belonging and ultimate acceptance
with a growing capacity to tolerate criticism (Jeremiah 2:13). All human
relationships end in someway, they fail to deeply satisfy those longing in our
lives. It’s foolish to expect human beings to supply what only God can.
D. Rational: Increasingly truthful reasoning as her mind is continually
being renewed by the Word of God. (Romans 12:1-2).
E. Emotional: Experiences a full range of emotions, usually expressed
appropriately.
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F. Volitional: Consistently responsible, biblically informed choices, with
increasing willingness to own them and their consequences. We will
take responsibility for our choices.
G. Behavioral: Increasingly mature, Christ-like actions, characterized by
genuine convictions and compassion.
IX. Conclusion: ( Ephesians 3:17, 19-20)
Who you are is who’s you are…
CCOU 103: Study Questions
1.) Sandy Wilson states that our concept of ourselves is learned through
our parent mirrors. Think of some things, good or bad, that you
learned from your parent mirrors. Please describe.
2.) Sandy outlines characteristics of several parent types: consistently
adequate, unprepared, unavailable, unloving. Describe which of these
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best describes your parents and why.
3.) The term, “unbiblical shame” is mentioned several times. Think of a
time when you may have felt unbiblical shame. What was the cause?
4.) Do you recognize any areas that you may have developed a Defensive
Personality Structure as defined in the video? Describe what you see.
If not, can you identify these traits in someone else?
5.) We are all striving to develop the Ideal Personality Structure because
it is another term for the sanctifying work of the Holy Spirit. In what
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areas of your personality structure do you sense the Hand of God?
Bibliography/Reading List:
Sandra Wilson. Into Abba’s Arms
Sandra Wilson. Released from Shame
Connie Neal. Dancing in the Arms of God
Chris Thurman. The Lies We Believe
Chris Thurman. The Lies We Believe, Workbook
Henry Cloud & John Townsend. Boundaries
Daniel Green & Mel Lawrenz. Encountering Shame and Guilt
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Neil Anderson. Released from Bondage
John Ortberg. The Life You’ve Always Wanted
