Pleasure, Sexual Arousal and Response
A person who identifies as asexual might be commonly referred to as “Ace” or
“Aces”. Asexuality is not defined as abstinence as a result of a bad relationship,
celibacy, fear of intimacy, or other commonly referenced stereotypes. Rather,
asexuality can be many things, but people who identify as asexual can still fall in love,
choose to masturbate, choose to engage in sexual activities, have a spouse or
partners(s)! It is important to note that love does not always equal sex, and that
sexuality exists on a spectrum. Asexuality, or for that matter, any other sexual identity,
is not fixed, nor is it expressed the same for every person who identifies as asexual
(Chen, 2020). Asexuality as an orientation is not a single way of orienting towards sex,
it is not a catch all, and it can be misinterpreted or misused, so it is best to not apply
labels to others, and instead, allow expression and labels to be up to individuals if they
chose. For a deeper dive into understanding Asexuality, here are three resources,
Yasmin Benoit, Asexuals Need Media Representation, The Amazing Aces. and
Season 8, Episode 15 of the Gender Reveal Podcast: Gender Reveal Podcast with
Ev'Yan Whitney on the superpower of being an asexual sex educator, which offers first
person insight from an asexual sex educator.
None more famously referenced when talking about pleasure and sexuality is the
ancient Sanskrit text, The Kama Sutra. While its actual date of publication is up for
debate, it is likely somewhere between 200-400 BCE (Doniger, 2003 p. i). It is a guide
to life, in which they include sections regarding sexuality, eroticism, and emotional
fulfillment. The Kama Sutra is not exclusively a sex manual on sex positions, although
the illustrations have been referenced throughout time as such. Its focus is broader,
written as a spiritual manual to the art of living well, the nature of love, finding a life
partner, maintaining one's love life, and other aspects pertaining to pleasure-oriented
faculties of human life.
“I want to live the rest of my life, however long or short, with as much sweetness
as I can decently manage, loving all the people I love, and doing as much as I can of
the work I still have to do. I am going to write fire until it comes out of my ears, my
eyes, my nose holes--everywhere. Until it's every breath I breathe. I'm going to go out
like a fucking meteor!” - Audre Lorde
Audre Lorde (1934-1992), represented many things to many people. Black, poet,
womanist, feminist, writer and scholar, and activist whose work included pleasure. Her
use of the term Erotic was meant to describe a state of being alive, a feeling one gets
when they are tapping into something that provides pleasure. In some cases, the erotic
has sexual connotations, but it can also refer to a really good feeling a person
experiences when tapping into their joy, like feeling the warm sun on their skin or
indulging in something they really like. Lorde pointed out that if we were to really feel
deeply and sensually, we would begin to understand what joy we are capable of feeling
and live our lives in accordance.
It is not hard to understand why we are socialized to not seek pleasure. Religion
plays a role in decentering pleasure. Each nation worldwide has a religious foundation
that shapes the values and beliefs held. This foundation is the basis for culture. Those
raised with religion in their homes may be taught the notion of sin. From an early age,
through various agents of socialization like, family, schools, the media and the church,
we learn that there is a great deal of stigma surrounding sexual pleasure. As
mentioned early on in this book, nations that offer comprehensive and sex-positive sex
education from a young age, built intentionally into K-12 curriculum, have lower
unintended pregnancy rates and overall comfort levels about communicating about
sex. In the United States especially, where White Anglo-Saxon Protestant (WASP)
ethics shape culture, this is not the case. Instead, the focus is more about denying
pleasure and shaming sexuality. Lust, a strong passion or longing for something
especially related to sexual desire, is one of the seven deadly sins written about in the
Christian Bible. Masturbation is labeled a sinful act, and when young children are
“caught” exploring their bodies, they are often shamed for it. Rather than seeing the
moment as an opportunity to educate our kids about their bodies, parents usually
mishandle the opportunity, and kids come away from the experience feeling like sexual
pleasure is something they should hide and be ashamed of. This cultural message
about sexual pleasure gets internalized at a very young age, and we quickly learn that
sex is something that we are not supposed to talk about and depending on our gender
identity, we are also not supposed to ask for it, desire it, or be in charge of it, unless
we are trying to procreate. Those gendered female and non-binary are not usually
allowed to initiate sex, want sex, or control the act of sex. Our bodies are seen as
something to be ashamed of. Medieval anatomists called female external genitalia the
pudendum which is derived from the Latin, pudere, meaning to make ashamed
(Nagoski, 2015, p 18). Hysteria, another Latin term commonly used to describe
exaggerated or uncontrollable emotion or excitement, literally translates to uterus. And
then we have hedonism, the belief that pleasure is the most important thing in life
which is derived from the Greek word, delight. Society often juxtaposes hedonism, the
pursuit of pleasure or sensual self-indulgence, with discipline and inhibiting one’s
desires, and devalues the notion that as humans we deserve the right to follow our
desires.
In U.S. culture hard work, material gain, and goal achievement are values that
supersede personal desire. Pleasure is not quantifiable in the capitalist sense, and so
it becomes more of an extra than something we espouse as a necessity. As a result,
we receive mixed messages about sex, pleasure and fulfillment. Knowing that there is
a cultural hang up with accessing pleasure can help us navigate the messy waters of
sexuality and society and inform our decisions. Understanding this contradiction gives
us the ability to question and debunk myths around pleasure, self-care and overall
well-being. Hang-ups about our bodies or what we like sexually are entirely shaped by
culture, and the sooner we move past self-criticism into selflove, the better. The ability
to enjoy your sexuality in this very moment rests on what you are telling yourself about
yourself. You, too, are healthy and normal at the start of your sexual development, as
you grow, and as you bear the fruits of living with confidence and joy inside your body.
You are healthy when you need lots of sun, and you’re healthy when you enjoy some
shade. That’s the true story. We are all the same. We are all different. We are all normal
(Nagoski, 2015 pp. 7). Sometimes the confines of culture clouds our ability to love
ourselves exactly how we are. We may also experience trauma related to our sexuality
that needs to be processed in order to get to a place of radical self-acceptance. In any
case, recognize the power to embrace yourself just as you are and enjoy life, whether
that be through your sexuality or in any other realms that you derive pleasure from.
We all deserve the right to feel good. Playwright Eve Ensler, in The Vagina
Monologues, famously asks her audience what the world would look like with a bunch
of “happy vaginas coming all the time” (Ensler, 1996). A world full of people who took
care of their pleasure as a regular part of their overall wellness would look very
different than the one we currently live in. Undoing all the cultural “no’s” we've been
told is not easy, and those “no’s” may have prevented us from learning more about our
amazing pleasure-seeking selves. A really good resource for questions about sexuality
and tapping into desire is, Meet Lindsey Doe! - Welcome to Sexplanations - 1.
What does agency over one's body mean exactly? It seems pretty
straightforward and is something we imagine all humans have a right to. Historical
legacies of colonization, slavery, imprisonment, sexism and homophobia diminish
agency for those impacted by these injustices. The impacts of these are still there for
many, and so it begs the question, what does pleasure look like if you are navigating
a world that constantly has a target on your back? These impacts are felt more
severely for already marginalized groups particularly because of this historical legacy.
For Black women and girls in particular, their physical bodies have always been used
as a way to maintain a racial hierarchy long after emancipation and the end of Jim
Crow segregation. There is a highly racist stereotype that paints them as inherently
sexual and innately promiscuous. A 2017 Georgetown University study found that,
Black girls as young as 5 years old are already seen as less innocent and in need of
less support than white girls of the same age. This presumption leads teachers and
other authority figures to treat Black girls as older than they actually are and more
harshly than white female students, with the disparity being particularly wide for 10-to
14-year-olds (Epstein et al, 2017). From a young age then, these types of
inappropriate attributions leave Black women and girls at a disadvantage. Based on
nothing more than ignorance, this myth removes agency and inappropriately
sexualizes young children. As indicated in this study, a perception of an individual's
sexuality is something that has farther reaching consequences than access to
pleasure. Sometimes, as in the case of Black women and girls, their bodies are
weaponized against them, diminishing overall life satisfaction and opportunity.
Those who create these falsehoods and myths and present them as facts are
unfortunately often the same experts we rely on to help guide us in our understanding
of human sexuality. Prominent sex educators make assertions about sexuality, health,
and normalcy from a very specific frame. Overwhelmingly, sex researchers tend to be
cis gendered, white, heterosexual, and male, and may or may not have an
understanding of the diversity inherent in human sexuality. Yet these are the people
defining cultural standards of what are normative sexual attitudes or behavior. Not
everyone identifies with these standards. Even as this book is being written, it is
important to note that it is situated in a specific time and place. Although here we
undertake a cultural critique of the narrow definition of “normal” sexuality, this too will
shift as time passes. As the field of sex educators becomes more diverse and
representative of the many demographics present in the culture, the understanding
will widen to be more inclusive and more accurate.
I’ve spent the majority of my adult life participating in hookup culture, and until
recently, I did not experience any issues with regard to pleasure, sexual arousal and
sexual responses. When I reached my mid-twenties, I developed a realization that I
did not enjoy sex as much as I did in my early years as an adult, and it became more
difficult to become aroused. Hookup apps like Grindr, Tinder, and other webbased
services can allow users to experience sexual freedom, however, can be addictive,
and (as it relates to me) might alter the user’s ability to engage in intimacy due to the
anonymous nature of sex apps. I began using Grindr as a recently single twenty year
old with limited sexual experiences and almost no dating history. As I became more
familiar with Grindr, I began using the app for what most people believe to be its
purpose, which is sex. After a few years, I began dating men and realized I was
experiencing difficulties reaching orgasms with the people I dated. Once I would break
up with my partner, I would quickly get back on the Grindr train and would be able to
easily experience orgasms. After a few cycles of dating people, breaking up with them,
and heading back to the world of anonymous sex, I realized that the use of hookup
apps distorted the ways in which I was able to experience sexual pleasure. As an adult
in my mid-twenties, I’ve become more intentional about my choices of sexual partners,
because personally, I do not like to separate sexual pleasure and intimacy.
The medical field in Western Society began by looking at white male bodies, and
everything else became an object of study in relation to that. This automatically
normalized male white bodies and made female, intersexed, and non-white bodies
“others”. In the case of sexual health, this is plainly clear in the lack of development in
the study of the Clitoris, the pleasure center in the vulva, made up of the same erectile
tissue as the penis. When it comes to the wonderful feeling you get from an orgasm,
erectile tissue rules (and we all have some)! As described in the earlier chapter on
anatomy, when an infant in utero begins to develop, based on the genes and hormonal
makeup of that fetus, then the erectile tissue takes shape. “We’re all made of the same
parts, but in each of us, those parts are organized in a unique way that may change
over our life span” (Nagoski, 2015 p 7). The area known as the clitoris is highly
sensitive to both the external nub, but also the inner parts, so the entire vulva is a site
of great pleasure mostly due to that underlying erectile tissue. Australia’s first female
urological surgeon and renowned sex researcher, Helen O’Connell, has done a great
deal towards understanding erectile tissue on people with vulvas. Prior to her work,
the deeper structures of the clitoris were not given much attention in medical journals,
while its counterpart, the penis was. Her 2005 groundbreaking article, Anatomy of the
Clitoris introduced many of us to the breadth and depth of the clitoris. Prior to her work,
the clitoris was largely overlooked in medical studies and publications. One of the most
common misconceptions of the clitoris is that it is just the external nub visible at the
top opening of the vulva. What is actually true is that the little nub that someone may
see when they examine their vulva is just the tip of the metaphorical iceberg, and
underneath the surface, it expands into a much larger organ worthy of its own notoriety.
A debt of gratitude is owed to Dr. O’Connell for expanding the field. Better late than
never!
From the time we are in utero, we do things to self-soothe and to feel good.
Pleasure seeking is part of what makes us human. Our understanding of what we are
doing to achieve pleasure changes as we develop, but it is inherent in who we are.
Pleasure is well, pleasurable and why wouldn’t that be something to strive for? One of
the things humans do to find pleasure is to masturbate. Masturbation, also known as
auto eroticism, is often when a person touches, strokes or rubs their own genitals for
sexual pleasure, but orgasm can also be achieved without touch. Our is mind is our
largest sex organ and orgasm, a climax of sexual excitement, characterized by
feelings of pleasure centered in the sex organs can also occur through mental
stimulation. People masturbate in a variety of ways; sexual pleasure is different for
everyone. Direct stimulation of erectile tissue is a common way to masturbate. People
with clitorises may touch their clitoris, people with penises may touch their penis, with
the goal of feeling pleasure through orgasm. Masturbation does not have to be a solo
act. When two or more people masturbate together it’s called mutual masturbation.
This can help people explore what feels good with another person(s) and facilitate
communication with their partner(s) about their bodies and what feels good.
Masturbation is a safe way to experience pleasure, set our own comfort zones about
our bodies, and learn what feels good. Interoception is the perception humans have
of sensations inside the body. Masturbation can strengthen that sense which is helpful
in overall wellness. People of all ages masturbate. People who are single and people
in relationships masturbate. Some people don't ever masturbate, or very infrequently;
others masturbate more. There is no right way; whatever you do, is ok. Masturbation
is a healthy aspect of our sexuality and overall wellness. There have been various
books and studies done on orgasm, and how to achieve and extend orgasm by various
sex researchers. The two linked podcasts, Extended Massive Orgasm and Maximize
Your Orgasm w/ Dolly Josette discuss some of the work in the field of orgasmic studies.
Sex toys are often written off by society as taboo novelties, but they have been
around for centuries. They are part of our ancient history, and they have evolved
alongside us. There was a time when sex toys were recognized as wellness products,
and they are slowly but surely regaining that status. The oldest known sex toy is a
stone phallus found in a cave in Germany and dates back to 29,000BC. In 1300 AD,
ben wah balls, c-rings, and double-ended dildos were all the rage in China. French
sailors in the 16oo's created the first known sex dolls; back then, they were made of
straw and referred to as "dames de voyage." During the 1800s in England, the short-
lived medical term Hysteria was coined, and vibrators were the remedy. This medical
diagnosis made sex toys respectable. They were considered wellness products by the
medical community and became home necessities for a while. The vibrator was the
fifth domestic appliance to be electrified before the iron and the vacuum, and
prominent women's magazines featured vibrators for sale alongside makeup and
home goods. Sex toys were seen as necessary as the iron until 1952 when The
American Medical Association declared hysteria is not an ailment. With that decree,
sex toys retreated to the back rooms of seedy shops and the back pages of porn
magazines, but their demonization did not stop their innovation. Despite being frowned
upon and seen as dirty and lewd, the sex toy industry continued to create products for
those seeking pleasure. Thanks to the tenacity of pleasure product makers, educators
like Bettie Dodson, the rise of female-run and owned sex shops, and shows like Sex
and The City, sex toys have become a multi-billion dollar market accessible from nearly
anyplace, online or off. Today, if you walk into a sex shop, you will find a vast collection
of products designed to be pleasurable and gender-affirming, accessible, and
medicinal. While many stores still group products based on gender, female toys, and
male toys, there has been a movement toward grouping products based on their type
and the body parts they're meant to be used on to move away from gendering
products. Here are some examples of the types of products you'll find in your local sex
shop.
Understanding the biological responses to arousal studied by famous sex
researchers, Kinsey and those at the Kinsey Institute, as well as Master’s and
Johnson, provide important information into the ways in which our bodies behave
when sexually stimulated. While these observations help us in an overall
understanding of human sexuality, left alone they do not answer some of the other
questions that help us understand pleasure, and why it is we may all find pleasure very
differently. As an interdisciplinary examination of the phenomena of human sexuality,
this chapter seeks to connect these bodily responses with socio-cultural
understandings. Gendered differences of sexual responses, differences in race, class,
or orientation, all may play a part into why we find things pleasurable. While the
following section is mainly descriptive regarding the physiological changes the body
undergoes when aroused, it is not meant to override the role good communication,
consent, and desire play into how you are feeling about what you want and don’t want.
Blood flow to the genitals is response to sex-related stimuli (learning), which is not the
same thing as liking or wanting, much less consent. The best way to tell if someone is
aroused is not to notice what their genitals are doing, but to listen to their words
(Nagoski, 2015,pp 236-237).
As Nagoski stated above, listening to what is being communicated is the best
way to know what is arousing. Culture has constrained sexual enjoyment, especially
for people who have vulvas and it is important to communicate openly about what you
want to have happen in any sexual encounter both with yourself and with those who
you engage with sexually. It is also important to point out that much of this research
on arousal and response centers around Penis in Vagina (PIV) sex, with climax being
the measurable outcome. While PIV sex to orgasm is one way to experience sexuality,
it is important to note that sexual fulfillment and practices reach far beyond this one
sex act. Despite this fact, much of our foundational data on sexual response and
arousal has been based on PIV sex in pursuit of orgasm.
Before the late 1940s, access to reliable, empirically-based information on sex
was limited. Physicians were considered authorities on all issues related to sex,
despite the fact that they had little to no training in these issues, and it is likely that
most of what people knew about sex had been learned either through their own
experiences, or by talking with their peers. Convinced that people would benefit from
a more open dialogue on issues related to human sexuality, Dr. Alfred Kinsey of
Indiana University initiated large-scale survey research on the topic . The results of
some of these efforts were published in two books—Sexual Behavior in the Human
Male and Sexual Behavior in the Human Female—which were published in 1948 and
1953, respectively (Bullough, 1998). At the time, the Kinsey reports were quite
sensational. Never before had the American public seen its private sexual behavior
become the focus of scientific scrutiny on such a large scale. The books, which were
filled with statistics and scientific lingo, sold remarkably well to the general public, and
people began to engage in open conversations about human sexuality. As you might
imagine, not everyone was happy that this information was being published. In fact,
these books were banned in some countries. Ultimately, the controversy resulted in
Kinsey losing funding that he had secured from the Rockefeller Foundation to continue
his research efforts (Bancroft, 2004).
Although Kinsey’s research has been widely criticized as being riddled with
sampling and statistical errors (Jenkins, 2010), there is little doubt that this research
was very influential in shaping future research on human sexual behavior and
motivation. Kinsey’s life and his groundbreaking work were the subject of a 2004
feature film Kinsey (2004) - Movie Trailer. Kinsey described a remarkably diverse
range of sexual behaviors and experiences reported by the volunteers participating in
his research. Behaviors that had once been considered exceedingly rare or
problematic were demonstrated to be much more common and innocuous than
previously imagined (Bancroft, 2004; Bullough, 1998). Among the results of Kinsey’s
research were the findings that people with vulvas are as interested and experienced
in sex as their counterparts who have penises, that both masturbate without adverse
health consequences, and that homosexual acts are fairly common (Bancroft, 2004).
Kinsey also developed a continuum known as the Kinsey scale that is still commonly
used today to categorize an individual’s sexual orientation (Jenkins, 2010).
Note that when Kinsey conducted his research, he based it on the definition of
sexual orientation at the time which has since evolved. For Kinsey, sexual orientation
is an individual’s emotional and erotic attractions to same-sexed individuals
(homosexual), opposite-sexed individuals (heterosexual), or both (bisexual).
In 1966, William Masters and Virginia Johnson published a book detailing the
results of their observations of nearly 700 people who agreed to participate in their
study of physiological responses during sexual behavior. Unlike Kinsey, who used
personal interviews and surveys to collect data, Masters and Johnson observed
people having intercourse in a variety of positions, and they observed people
masturbating, manually or with the aid of a device. While this was occurring,
researchers recorded measurements of physiological variables, such as blood
pressure and respiration rate, as well as measurements of sexual arousal, such as
vaginal lubrication and penile tumescence (swelling associated with an erection). In
total, Masters and Johnson observed nearly 10,000 sexual acts as a part of their
research (Hock, 2008).
Based on these observations, Masters and Johnson divided the sexual response
cycle into four phases that are fairly similar regardless of biological sex: excitement,
plateau, orgasm, and resolution. The excitement phase is the arousal phase of the
sexual response cycle, and it is marked by erection of the penis or clitoris, and
lubrication and expansion of the vaginal canal. During plateau, further swelling of the
vulva and increased blood flow to the labia minora takes place, and full erection of the
penis with possible excretion of pre-ejaculatory fluid. Everyone in the study
experienced increases in muscle tone during this time. Orgasm is marked in people
with vulvas by rhythmic contractions of the pelvis and uterus, along with increased
muscle tension. In people with penises, pelvic contractions are accompanied by a
buildup of seminal fluid near the urethra that is ultimately forced out by contractions of
genital muscles, (i.e., ejaculation). Resolution is the relatively rapid return to an
unaroused state accompanied by a decrease in blood pressure and muscular
relaxation. While many people with vulvas can quickly repeat the sexual response
cycle, people with penises must pass through a longer refractory period as part of
resolution. The refractory period is a period of time that follows an orgasm during which
an individual is incapable of experiencing another orgasm. In people with penises, the
duration of the refractory period can vary dramatically from individual to individual, with
some refractory periods as short as several minutes and others as long as a day. As
people with penises age, their refractory periods tend to span longer periods of time.
In addition to the insights that their research provided with regards to the sexual
response cycle and the multi-orgasmic potential of people with vulvas, Masters and
Johnson also collected important information about reproductive anatomy. Their
research demonstrated the oftcited statistic of the average size of a flaccid and an
erect penis (3 and 6 inches, respectively), as well as dispelling long-held beliefs about
relationships between the size of an erect penis and the ability to provide sexual
pleasure to a partner. Furthermore, they determined that the vulva is a very elastic
structure that can conform to penises of various sizes (Hock, 2008).
Oh what amazing things our bodies do! Here’s an activity to demonstrate just
that and have some fun at the same time. Have you ever wondered what your genitals
do as you orgasm? Maybe you know, maybe you don’t. Probably what you’ve seen in
porn isn’t anatomically accurate so why not see for yourself. The mirror exercise we
did at the beginning of the class is now being revisited but this time try watching
yourself as you masturbate. This might be logistically harder based on what your
hands are doing, but give it a try. Observe firsthand how you physically react during
climax. Have fun!
Masters and Johnson’s four-phase model of sexual response became the
foundation for understanding human sexual response. As the first scientific description
of the physiology of sexual response, it would become the basis for defining sexual
health and also in the treatment of sexual problems (Nagoski, 2015 p 50). People who
were unable to orgasm (anorgasmic) can learn to have orgasms, those with premature
ejaculation can learn to control orgasm, those with It seems like a glaring oversight in
retrospect, but of course it was missing, people who come to a laboratory to
masturbate for science don’t have to want sex before they begin; they just have to get
aroused for the purpose of the experiment. Kaplan took the four-phase model out of
the laboratory and adapted it to the lived experience of her clients. Her “triphasic”
model of the sexual response cycle begins with desire, which she conceptualized as
“interest in” or “appetite for” sex, much like hunger or thirst. The second phase is
arousal, which combines excitement and plateau into one phase, and the third phase
is orgasm (Nagoski 2015, p. 50).
Kaplan’s model of sexual response has served as the foundation for diagnostic
criteria in the American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual.
Low desire and desire discrepancy between partners are the most common reasons
people seek sex therapy. Some also seek help for “hypersexuality,” where they feel
their desire and behaviors are out of their control (Nagoski, 2015 p.51). This begs the
question, how much desire is too little or too much? Circling back to the beginning of
this chapter, the answer is there is not a right amount of desire, everybody is different.
Understanding your individual sexual temperament can be useful in caring for your
overall wellness. If there is something that concerns you about your level of desire, it
is always good to talk with a sexual health educator.
The box below provides a way to understand your individual sexual
temperament, and how certain stimuli can either excite or inhibit your sexual appetite.
Because we are all different, our desires are as well. Bottom line, there is no “right”
way to be sexual. It is time to let go of feeling the need to be a certain way, look a
certain way, want sex in a certain way and focus on what you really want.
The pursuit of pleasure has been a part of the human condition since time began.
Desires are something we all have. Some embodied, some not. Culture shapes what
we learn to be pleasurable and constrains us from exploring what we might like.
Embodied pleasure in the form of sexuality is part of an overall well-being. Sensuality
allows us to tune into what we like. Our brain is our largest sex organ, holding the key
to our arousal and response. Studies done on pleasure have mostly been framed
around white, cis-gendered, heterosexual people with penises so there is a large gap
in the field in order to represent totality of the human spectrum. The anatomy of the
clitoris was not formally studied and included in scientific literature until Helen
O'Donnell wrote about it in 2005. Masturbation is a great way to stimulate your senses
and learn about your body. Alfred Kinsey and work done at the Kinsey Institute brought
sexuality studies into the scientific domain. Masters and Johnson’s four phase model
of sexual response became the tool for identifying issues in sexual health despite a
missing piece. In 1977, Helen Kaplan updated this model to include desire which
changed the way in which sexual health issues are treated. Understanding that we are
all different and our levels of desire and what inhibits our desires are not fixed can help
with self-acceptance. It is time to debunk cultural myths about the right way to be a
sexual being and practice radical self-love.
