THE LIVED EXPRERIENCES OF EX-MUSLIM WOMEN LEAVING ISLAM AN INTERPREATATIVE PHENOMENOLOGICAL ANALYSIS

THE LIVED EXPRERIENCES OF EX-MUSLIM WOMEN LEAVING ISLAM:

AN INTERPREATATIVE PHENOMENOLOGICAL ANALYSIS

CHAPTER ONE: INTRODUCTION TO THE STUDY

Introduction

As the Muslim population in the United States of America and abroad has seen

significant recent growth, researchers and clinicians have called upon the mental health

field to meet the various needs of this multifaceted community (Amri & Bemak, 2013;

Mohamed, 2018; Pew Research Center, 2017a; Rassool, 2015). For example, Muslims,

particularly in the West, may experience mental health challenges due to discrimination

and marginalization stemming from the terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center on

September 11th (Ali, Milstein & Marzuk, 2005; Amri & Bemak, 2013; Rassool, 2015). As

the mental health field encounters a rising number of clients from a diverse Muslim

community, it has become increasingly necessary for mental health counselors to

understand the experiences of Muslims to provide informed and culturally competent

services (Cook-Masaud & Wiggins, 2011; Hamdan, 2007).

Research and understanding on the mental health considerations of this population

have largely centered around the cultural practices and religious beliefs of Muslims in the

West as a means of informing clinical treatment (Ali, Milstein & Marzuk, 2005; Amri &

Bemak, 2013; Cook-Masaud & Wiggins, 2011; Rassool, 2015). Additionally, researchers

across various disciplines and community advocates (particularly from the West) have

made efforts to give a voice to Muslim women (Abu-Lughod, 2015; Jawad & Benn,

2003). These efforts have operated within a broader movement towards inclusivity of

marginalized groups as a part of ethical clinical practice (Ibrahim & Dykeman, 2011).

Within the Muslim population, however, ex-Muslims can be conceptualized as

those that choose to leave Islam and who may either convert to another religion or

identify as apostates (those who leave a religion), “secular-Muslims,” atheists or

agnostics. Ex-Muslims represent an understudied sub-group that are often subject to

persecution due to the controversial nature of apostasy (the act of leaving a religion)

within Islam (Cottee, 2015; Orenstein & Weismann, 2016; Rehman, 2010). As a result of

their apostasy, ex-Muslims may also face psychological distress, abuse and social

isolation from their former communities (Parekh & Egan, 2020; Immigration and

Refugee Board of Canada, 2013; van Nieuwkerk, 2019; VICE Asia, 2018; Zimmerman et

al., 2015).

Although awareness of the challenges faced by ex-Muslims contributes to a basic

foundation of culturally competent understanding relevant to counseling and counselor

education, there is a notable lack of depth and breadth in the existing literature across

academic disciplines that has been unable to speak to the nuances of experiences within

ex-Muslim identities. This gap of knowledge has been demonstrated in analyses of

exMuslim narratives which describe common motivating factors for apostasy. In these

analyses, the disparity between total stories from ex-Muslim men and women (with more

stories being from men) was notable considering how frequently gender roles for women

were cited as a motivating factor for apostasy away from Islam (Khalil & Bilici, 2007).

What is lacking is insight into the lived experiences of ex-Muslim women that is

inclusive of their apostasy journeys. Specifically, it is not yet well understood how

exMuslim women experience and understand “leaving” Islam (e.g., ex-Muslim women

leaving Islam may experience apostasy as a before-and-after series of acts or a non-linear

process). This absence of understanding speaks to an overlooked intersection of identities

for ex-Muslim women through their religious exit and gender. The implications of this

absence are that the study of ex-Muslims is not inclusive of women and fails to provide

awareness into how apostasy is experienced and understood.

The phenomenon of leaving Islam for ex-Muslim women becomes a necessary

area of study in order to work towards a more nuanced and complete portrait of a diverse

yet understudied population. Additionally, across academic disciplines such as counseling

and counselor education, understanding how ex-Muslim women make sense of their

experiences and significant life events such as leaving Islam may better inform culturally

competent training for counselors and counselor educators as well as speak to how

broader supportive services may consider the experiences of ex-Muslim women in

delivering culturally responsive counseling services.

Statement of the Problem

The existing counseling-related literature regarding the Muslim community

largely speaks to mental health considerations and treatment guidelines informed by

cultural attitudes and religious belief in Islam (Amri & Bemak, 2013; Cook-Masaud &

Wiggins, 2011; Hamdan, 2007; Haque, 2004; Meer & Mir, 2014; Rassool, 2015). To a

lesser degree, research has also touched upon counseling considerations centered around

Muslim women (Cook-Masaud & Wiggins, 2011; Haque, 2004). In non-scholarly

publications, Muslim women’s stories have been highlighted primarily by Muslim

women and allies who sought to challenge depictions in the West of Muslim women as

devoid of complexity, agency and uniformly oppressed under Islam (Abu-Lughod, 2015;

Jawad & Benn, 2003; Shaffi, 2009).

The body of research for the Muslim population has not extended, however, to ex-

Muslims, particularly within counseling-related domains. Notably, non-counseling

disciplines have made some inquiry into ex-Muslims often focusing upon areas including

conversion, acts of protest against Islam, and how some ex-Muslims reconcile their

secular identities with their religious backgrounds (Akcapar, 2006; Enstedt & Larsson,

2013; Hashmi, Rashid & Munir, 2021; Khalil & Bilici, 2007; Kraft, 2013; Marti, 2016;

Orenstein & Weismann, 2016; Richter, 2021; Thompson, 2022; Vliek, 2019).

Additionally, collected vignettes, news pieces and user-generated media have shed some

light on the lived experiences of ex-Muslim men and women including their motivations

for apostasy (Bharat, 2022; Cottee, 2017; Kraft, 2013; SBS The Feed, 2018; VICE News,

2016). Within this literature, the unique experiences of ex-Muslim women remains

understudied seemingly mirroring the lack of attention to Muslim women’s experiences

in academic research within the broader Muslim community (Abu-Lughod, 2015; Jawad

& Benn, 2003; Shaffi, 2009).

What is, perhaps, most notably missing from literature on ex-Muslim women is in

how they make sense of leaving Islam in and of itself. This absence of ex-Muslim

women’s voices in regarding their apostasy may, in part, be attributable to the very nature

of their intersecting identities and the issues that such intersections present to researchers

and allies. As researchers and allies seek to move depictions of Muslim women away

from caricature (Abu-Lughod, 2015), the existence of ex-Muslim women may present a

challenge for inclusivity due to fears that their stories of exit from Islam would be

weaponized by other parties to further anti-immigration and xenophobic views

(AbuLughod, 2015; Jawad & Benn, 2003). This has left ex-Muslims (and, in particular,

exMuslim women) dismissed despite the broad aims of inclusive research, discourse and

educational practice that may be wary of giving credence to their perspectives for fear of

contributing to anti-Muslim sentiment (Cottee, 2017; Enstedt & Larsson, 2013; Orenstein

& Weismann, 2016; Slate, 2017).

As a population, the converging identities that ex-Muslim women inhabit have not

been the point of emphasis in academic study. That is, their intersection of gender and

apostasy offer an area that has yet to be thoroughly explored–namely, their lived

experiences as ex-Muslim women who have left Islam. It is with the intersection of

gender and apostasy in mind that the researcher hopes to address this gap of knowledge

by highlighting and examining the voices of ex-Muslim women which can then add

critical representation within ex-Muslim discourse regarding apostasy as well as provide a

more detailed portrait of the broader Muslim population. In doing so, the implications for

this study are expansive in that it may provide clinical insight for counseling, inform

training for counselor education-related areas and impact programmatic considerations

for social service fields.

Need for the Study

Although Muslim communities in the U.S. and Europe have seen some academic

study with the aforementioned aims of inquiry (Ali, Milstein & Marzuk, 2005; Amri &

Bemak, 2013; Rassool, 2015), a limited amount of research has been conducted on

exMuslims and, specifically, ex-Muslim women (Bharat, 2022; Enstedt & Larsson, 2013;

Orenstein & Weismann, 2016; Vliek, 2019). The current literature on ex-Muslims has

arguably focused less upon the gendered experiences of ex-Muslim women and instead

on “coming out” narratives, stories of conversion to other religions, and methods of

protest against Islam in collected vignettes both in published media and user-generated

media, as well as individual testimonials (Akcapar, 2006; Enstedt & Larsson, 2013;

Hashmi, Rashid & Munir, 2021; Khalil & Bilici, 2007; Kraft, 2013; Marti, 2016;

Orenstein & Weismann, 2016; Richter, 2021; Thompson, 2022; Vliek, 2019).

Two notable reviews examining the testimonials of ex-Muslims have seen the

inclusion of ex-Muslim women’s voices (Enstedt & Larsson, 2013; Khalil & Bilici,

2007). However, these reviews have each remarked upon an unequal distribution of

testimonials across gender (Enstedt & Larsson, 2013; Khalil & Bilici, 2007). That is, in

both Endsted & Larsson’s (2013) and Khalil & Bilici’s (2007) exploration of apostasy

narratives (the former of which focused upon representation of Islam within the

narratives), the presence of stories from ex-Muslim men notably outnumbered those from

ex-Muslim women. Khalil & Bilici (2007) have added, “intriguing considering how

frequently the status of women in Islam is cited as an intellectual motivation for leaving

the religion” (p. 117). These studies demonstrated that although ex-Muslim women have

been part of these explorations, their stories and experiences pertaining to the

phenomenon of leaving Islam have not been fully explored as a group that exists within

the ex-Muslim community. This is likely a signal of a compounding issue regarding

broader gaps in knowledge that reveal deficiencies when it comes to an understudied

group within an understudied group. The existence of a relatively small amount of

research on ex-Muslims irretrievably contributes to an issue of both research depth and

breadth which has left little insight on ex-Muslim women’s lives regarding their

experiences leaving Islam.

Thus, this study is needed to contribute to a base of literature on the ex-Muslim

population by specifically highlighting the experiences of ex-Muslim women. As Enstedt

and Larsson (2013) sought to assess narratives of ex-Muslims from the perspective of the

representations that were made of Islam and as Khalil and Bilici (2007) focused upon

exploring written testimonials across print and online mediums, ex-Muslim women have

yet to be given a platform through academic inquiry in which their voices can be heard

regarding their leaving of Islam. In conducting this study, there was the possibility of

greater inclusion of the diverse stories from a marginalized population. As the current

landscape of counseling literature has heretofore primarily explored mental health issues

with religious Muslims (Hamdan, 2007; Hamdan, 2008; Ibrahim & Dykeman, 2011;

Meer & Mir, 2014; Rassool, 2015) and, to a lesser degree, religious Muslim women

(Cook-Masaud & Wiggins, 2011; En-Nabut, 2007; Turkes-Habibovic, 2011; Sadiq,

2019), this study is needed to highlight a group that has seen limited exploration.

For the counseling field, ex-Muslim women present an understudied and

necessary area of inquiry to work towards a body of academic literature, particularly

related to counseling and counselor education, that is more inclusive and representative of

their stories. In adding to the diversity inherent in the ex-Muslim community, research

into the experiences of ex-Muslim women leaving Islam can better inform

counselingrelated approaches.

Purpose of the Study

The purpose of this study is to investigate how ex-Muslim women experience and

understand leaving Islam. It is not well known in the current literature how ex-Muslim

women conceptualize “leaving” Islam and it is subsequently this study’s aim to gain this

understanding directly from those that have experienced it or are currently experiencing

it. For example, in conceptualizations of “role exit” made famous by Helen Rose Fuchs

Ebaugh (1988), those who exit a role invariably go through a process of disengagement

and disidentification–the former being associated with how individuals withdraw from

what is expected in their roles and the latter being a process of how the individual thinks

of themselves and their role differently. With ex-Muslim women, how they may engage

(if at all) with such concepts as disengagement and disidentification are largely unknown.

Subsequently, this study is driven to gain clarity and understanding around how this

phenomenon is both experienced and understood.

To work towards this understanding, it is necessary to gather and construct

knowledge by exploring the phenomenon experienced by ex-Muslim women in their own

words. Subsequently, a qualitative method such as Interpretative Phenomenological

Analysis (IPA) is a practical research method as it is concerned with how individuals

themselves may reflect upon the significance of a life event (Smith, 2009). As this

research study is focused upon ex-Muslim women’s personal reflections with a

phenomenon, data was gathered from research participants through individual in-depth,

semi-structured interviews which allowed participants’ stories to be captured and

accurately reflective of their experiences (Smith, 2009).

While this research ultimately hoped to develop an understanding to how a

subgroup within a rapidly growing population understands and experiences a significant

life event, this study had an additional purpose of giving a voice to ex-Muslim women so

that their experiences could be part of broader academic literature of the Muslim and ex-

Muslim communities.

Epistemological Foundation

This research study operated from the epistemological foundation of

constructivism in which the subjective interpretations that individuals develop through

their experiences provide a means for understanding the world (Creswell & Poth, 2018).

The meaning that individuals may develop emerges contingently through their social,

cultural and historical contexts (Creswell & Poth, 2018). Constructivism provides the

broad underpinnings of how knowledge operates as well as how individuals may

simultaneously perceive and engage with reality. In this way, constructivism pertains to

how one develops learning through an active construction of ideas, perceptions and

experiences (Bada, 2015; Cobern, 1993). As Cobern (1993) argues, learning is not a

passive process of transmission but rather an experiential process: “We learn by making

sense of what is experienced” (p. 109). Within the context of this research study, a

constructivist foundation works towards giving voice to ex-Muslim women so that,

ultimately, interpretations of their own experiences may then provide knowledge and

understanding relevant to the fields of counseling and counselor education.

Conceptual Framework

Relational-Cultural Theory (RCT) was utilized by this researcher as it provided a

conceptual framework for investigating how ex-Muslim women experience and

understand leaving Islam. RCT initially sought to understand women’s psychological

experiences and emerged from Jean Baker Miller’s (1986) Toward a New Psychology of

Women. Since then, RCT has also challenged prevailing Western notions of healthy

functioning that emphasize autonomy and independence from others (Jordan & Hartling,

2010; Lenz, 2016). RCT presents an alternative conceptualization of psychological

growth and relational development across the lifespan (Comstock et al., 2008; Jordan &

Hartling, 2010) where growth and development are then seen as irrevocably connected to

the relational contexts of race, culture and gender (among others) of the individual

(Comstock et al., 2008). Additionally, RCT views the individual’s ability to grow and

engage in meaningful relationships with others as being governed by factors including the

immediate communities that the individual is a part of and the state policies that they are

subject to (Jordan & Hartling, 2010).

Tenets central to RCT include the notion that individuals grow as a result of

relationships throughout the lifespan, that mutual growth and empowerment are key to

maturing relationships and that authenticity must be present in order for true engagement

in relationships to occur (Jordan & Hartling, 2010). The process in which individuals

engage in relationships with others can be understood as relational movements which

operate as either connections or disconnections (Miller, 1986). According to RCT, when

individuals experience relational connection, they are energized, and can participate in

the world while having a greater sense of self-worth (Miller, 1986). Conversely, when

relational disconnections occur, individuals may feel confused, withdraw from others, and

experience “condemned isolation” in which they face psychological difficulties and

disenfranchisement by the society at large (Comstock et al., 2008, p. 282; Miller & Stiver,

1998). Comstock et al. (2008) consider RCT as being complementary in nature to social

justice movements that may ultimately add to counseling competencies by investigating

how “issues related to sex role socialization, power, dominance, marginalization, and

subordination affect the mental health and relational development of all people” (p. 279).

RCT is uniquely equipped to conceptualize how ex-Muslim women experience

and understand leaving Islam. RCT focuses on how relationships are experienced and

structured within varying societal contexts while attending to the intersecting identities of

the individual (Hammer et al., 2016). As a population, ex-Muslim women inhabit a

number of converging identities and their experiences, which are impacted by their

relationships with Islam and the significant parties within their communities.

Rationale for the Methodology

When considering forms of scholarly inquiry in which to investigate this

phenomenon, qualitative studies are among those that are equipped to allow for a nuanced

and complex understanding through the language of those being studied (Beuving et al.,

2015). Within qualitative inquiry, IPA serves as a relevant research method for gaining

insight into how individuals may experience and understand particular phenomena such

as significant life events (Beuving et al., 2015; Smith et al., 2009).

For apostates, leaving their religious group is one such significant life event

(Scheitle & Adamczyk, 2010). Subsequently, the aims of IPA as a research methodology

align closely with the researcher’s in exploring how ex-Muslim women experience and

understand leaving Islam. As there is a dearth of academic literature on the experiences of

ex-Muslims (and, much less, ex-Muslim women), IPA works to learn in detail the

research participants’ world and to describe how participants make sense of that world

(Larkin et al., 2006; Smith et al., 2009). As IPA seeks to understand how participants

make sense of a particular phenomenon, purposive sampling through referrals and

targeted recruitment is necessary to gather research participants who may speak to that

phenomenon (Smith et al., 2009). Additionally, a fundamental principle within IPA is that

it co-creates knowledge through the researcher and the research participants (Larkin et al.,

2006). That is, the researcher acts not as a passive container or conveyer of knowing but

rather an interpreter of how individuals reflect upon their own experiences

(Smith et al., 2009).

To co-construct this knowledge, IPA relies heavily upon semi-structured

interviews which allow for a level of rapport and trust to be attained between the

researcher and research participants (Pietkiewicz & Smith, 2014; Smith et al., 2009). The

building of rapport and trust are likely to be critical in conducting this research study due

to the caution that apostate populations may have in discussing their religious exit as it

remains highly controversial within Islam. As apostates living in a religious household

were much less likely to report abuse by their families to local law enforcement (Parekh

& Egan, 2020), it is reasonable to presume that apostates, including ex-Muslim women,

may harbor distrust towards outside parties.

IPA embarks on a delicate and collaborative endeavor between researcher and

research participants that requires the researcher to be keenly aware of their personal

reflexivity throughout the research process (Pietkiewicz & Smith, 2014). One

manifestation of this personal reflexivity reinforces the utility of building trust and

rapport by reflecting upon the positionality or socially defined identities of the researcher.

That is, in an IPA the researcher must be aware of the identities that they occupy and how

those may invariably influence the building of rapport and the analysis of data

(Pietkiewicz & Smith, 2014).

Research Questions

This qualitative study attempts to understand the experiences of ex-Muslim

women including their journeys in leaving Islam. The primary research questions are

“how do ex-Muslim women make sense of their experiences with Islam?” and “how do

ex-Muslim women understand and experience leaving Islam?” As this study is interested

in exploring how ex-Muslim women understand a significant life event such as leaving a

religion, it is necessary to investigate both their experiences with Islam as well as the

phenomenon of leaving Islam.

Significance of the Study

As existing research on ex-Muslims indicates that they are significantly more

likely to be victims of abuse than ex-Christians (Parekh & Egan, 2020), ex-Muslims may

seek supportive services such as mental health counseling. It would then be critical for

these service providers to be aware of how the phenomenon of leaving Islam may be

experienced and understood particularly for ex-Muslim women as they are more likely to

be the victims of religiously-informed honor-based violence (HBV) than men (Parekh &

Egan, 2020).

Subsequently, the researcher hoped to gain insight into the stories of ex-Muslim

women including their experiences and understanding of leaving Islam. Investigation into

how ex-Muslim women make sense of the phenomenon of apostasy was significant as it

constructed a detailed portrait of lived experiences of those from a marginalized and

relatively unknown community. In doing so, the research findings may have wideranging

implications by informing cultural competency across domains including mental health

counseling and counselor education.

In the field of counselor education, movements towards inclusivity and diversity

further signal the importance of a more encompassing and rich understanding of diverse

populations that includes ex-Muslim women. With professional organizations such as the

American Counseling Association (ACA) (2014) and the Association for Counselor

Education and Supervision (ACES) (2023) continuing to infuse multicultural practice into

applications of counseling, counselor education and counseling research, it is an ethical

imperative that scholarly inquiry amplifies the stories of marginalized and understudied

groups such as ex-Muslim women so they may be heard and incorporated into our

modern understanding of diverse populations.

Additionally, the researcher’s efforts act as an extension of the study conducted by

Khalil & Bilici (2007) which broadly explored the experiences of former Muslims and

was one of the first of its kind in academic research that aimed to explore and understand

a largely unstudied community. In this way, the researcher hopes that his study added to a

growing body of literature on ex-Muslims by focusing on ex-Muslim women which may

inspire further exploration on this population across academic disciplines.

Review of Related Literature

Defining “Muslim”

Muslims represent a diverse collection of groups across a broad range of

nationalities, ethnicities and cultural backgrounds. Spanning across a number of

countries, regions and communities, the Muslim population encompasses ethnic

Chechens in Russia to Shia Muslims in Iran and Moroccans in northern Africa. By 2040,

the Muslim population is estimated to be the second largest religious group in the United

States to Christians (Mohamed, 2018). As a population, however, Muslims cannot

singularly be defined through nationality or ethnicity but rather as a collection of group

identities under a shared (but not always uniform) set of religious beliefs (Cook-Masaud

& Wiggins, 2011; Ibrahim & Dykeman, 2011). Belief in Islam is also disparate in tenets

leading to differences of Islamic practices which are argued to be often informed by

cultural elements (Cook-Masaud & Wiggins, 2011).

Due to a diversity in backgrounds, Islamic practices by Muslims can vary

considerably due to cultural influences (Cook-Masaud & Wiggins, 2011; Ibrahim &

Dykeman, 2011). Additionally, there are no centralized indicators of identity or consensus

in religious belief for Muslims. Muslims globally are comprised of those who adhere to

the Sunni tradition of Islam as well as Shi’ites, Sufis and those from the Nation of Islam

(Hamdan, 2007). The majority of Muslims adhere to religious beliefs based upon the

Quran and the Sunnah which serve as religious texts in Islam (Haque, 2004). In the

United States and the United Kingdom, diversity within the Muslim community is

believed to be considerable, rendering it nearly impossible to uniformly attribute one set

of beliefs or attitudes that would be applicable to the whole community (Ibrahim &

Dykeman, 2011).

In some reports on the Muslim population–such as those conducted by the Pew

Research Center (2011)–those that were included in their research self-identified as

Muslim. This method for categorization is similar to what Meer (2008) described as a

push against a linear understanding of Muslim identity in favor of a “quasi-ethnic

sociological formation” that is inclusive of self-definition and, subsequently,

selfidentification (p. 67). As Muslims may identify their belief in Islam as a part of their

identity, associations with regions or countries may serve as less significant markers of

identity (Meer, 2008).

Defining “ex-Muslim”

The term “ex-Muslim” has been used by both individuals and groups to describe a

shared identity centered upon a prior belief in Islam. Internationally, organizations such

as ex-Muslims of North America, the Council of ex-Muslims of Britain and Ex-Muslims

of India have contributed to the popularization of the term. Ex-Muslims of North

America (n.d.) defines “ex-Muslim” as:

those who were born or converted into the Islamic faith, but have since chosen to

renounce it. After leaving Islam, ex-Muslims may choose to adopt another faith,

such as Christianity or [sic] Judiasm. However, Ex-Muslims of North America is

composed entirely of secular, non-theist ex-Muslims.

While “ex-Muslim” may have seen wider adoption among organizations, other terms

such as “former Muslims,” “Islamic atheists” and “secular Muslims” have also been used

to describe a broadly similar (if not the same) population across literature and new media

(Khalil & Bilici, 2007; Enstedt & Larsson, 2013; Orenstein & Weismann, 2016; Vliek,

2019). For secular British Muslims, their identity also serves as a rejection to policies of

British multiculturalism that would seek to categorize an individual based upon their

culture, religion or ethnicity as opposed to their self-identification and choice (Orenstein

& Weismann, 2016).

Additionally, terms including “atheist” or “agnostic” have all seen adoption from

ex-Muslims such as Ali Rizvi (2016) who wrote about his movement towards atheism in

The Atheist Muslim: A Journey from Religion to Reason. News outlets such as VICE

News, in their reporting of ex-Muslims in 2016 and 2018, referred to the population as

“former Muslims” and “ex-Muslims,” respectively. Although there are few published

stories or testimonials from ex-Muslims, Cottee’s (2017) The Apostates and Warraq’s

(2003) Leaving Islam both refer to ex-Muslims not only as ex-Muslims but also

sometimes simply as “apostates.” However, terms such as “reformist Muslims,” although

suggestive of a secular-minded or former Muslim, have been criticized for attempts at

rationalizing Islamic tenets as opposed to a complete disavowal which terms such as

exMuslim or former Muslim would more directly state (Cottee, 2017).

Ex-Muslims as a term may also see wider adoption due to its versatile nature in

being able to define a broader collection of individuals. That is, ex-Muslim is also used to

describe converts to other religions including Christianity. “Christian ex-Muslims” or

“ex-Muslim Christians,” inhabit both a space of renunciation of belief in Islam for

exMuslims along with newly adopted belief in religions such as Christianity (Miller,

2014;

Vliek, 2019). Although precise data regarding the total number of Muslim converts to

Christianity is difficult to determine due to the politically sensitive nature of conversion

in Muslim-majority countries, estimates to the total number of converts to Christianity are

upwards of nine million individuals across the globe (Miller & Johnstone, 2015).

Apostasy and Blasphemy

In discourse concerning ex-Muslims, the religious concepts of apostasy and

blasphemy are frequently cited although apostasy is present in varying forms in other

major world religions (Warraq, 2003). In Arabic, an apostate is a murtadd—“the one who

turns back from Islam” (Warraq, 2003). In modern usage, apostasy has taken the meaning

of describing a form of exiting—a deliberate exit from a group which is informed by the

individual renouncing said group’s beliefs (Cottee, 2017). Blasphemy, as a religious

offense, is the act of insulting revered figures or notions in a religion and those that

blaspheme can be believers or non-believers of the religion (Rehman, 2010). In Islam,

both apostasy and blasphemy are seen as criminal offenses according to Sharia (the

Islamic legal system adopted by some Muslim countries and communities as de facto

rules of law) and discussions of the two often coincide (Rehman, 2010).

Apostasy can also be argued to inhabit a broader space as defined in Islam to

mean a spoken denial of Muslim belief (Warraq, 2003). This also extends to acts which

can (if the person committing the act was Muslim) indicate a more literal renunciation of

belief such as burning a copy of the Quran (Warraq, 2003). Although there is no

consensus among religious scholars on the clear consequences of apostasy according to

Islamic law (which is, to a large degree, understandable given the different interpretations

and denominations within Islam), citation of Sharia in apostasy and blasphemy cases

have been made to target both political dissidents and religious minorities (Rehman,

2010). The relationship between the two concepts was prominently seen in Tunisia after

the events of the Arab Spring from 2011 to 2013 in which six Tunisians of Muslim

background were prosecuted for blasphemy. The prosecution of the six Tunisians

revealed how those who stated their apostasy in connection to the blasphemy charges

faced more severe punishment than those who did not identify as apostates and instead

“affirmed their membership in a local Muslim community” (Thompson, 2022, p. 173).

Such variability in the legal consequences for apostasy and blasphemy also incidentally

highlight the inherent nuance within the act of apostasy. Beyond Islam, apostasy can be

understood as having distinctions of depth and effect. That is, in shallow apostasy, one’s

religious beliefs may only slightly change without a full embrace of a secular identity

whereas deep apostasy would be indicative of the individual wholly excising themselves

from religion and not considering themselves to be spiritual (Zuckerman, 2011). The

depth of apostasy can also be mild or transformative in that mild apostasy often reflects

little discernible change or feelings of consequence for the individual whereas

transformative apostasy is a dramatic change in one’s life as reflected by their potential

loss of family, friends, or community (Zuckerman, 2011). Apostasy can also be

understood as a form of “role exit” that was first conceptualized by Ebaugh (1988) to

describe “the process of disengagement from a role that is central to one’s self-identity

and the reestablishment of an identity in a new role that takes into account one’s ex-role”

(p. 23). Role exit can then be applied not only to those who would leave a religion but

also to divorcees, retirees, and widowers—all of whom invariably exit from one role and

emerge into another. Although reluctant to describe the process that those who go through

role exit as “stages,” Ebaugh (1988) describes the often role-agnostic stages that an

individual may experience during role exit: first doubts regarding their role, the

consideration of role alternatives, the experiencing of role loss after exit and the

establishing of an ex-role identity. However, Ebaugh (1988) is also careful to note that

role exit is an inherently social process that is then shaped by any number of social and

historical factors—in other words, the contexts that individuals may inhabit can deeply

impact the ways in which they exit a role.

Phenomenon of Leaving a Religion

Researchers have sought to understand such nuances within experiences from

those who choose to leave their religions. This has included study into the mental,

physical and interpersonal impacts of exiting or leaving a religion (often termed

“deconversion”), the ways in which individuals experience religious struggle/doubt, the

social impacts and benefits of exiting, as well as corresponding measures of mental and

physical health during and after exiting a religion (Berger, 2015; Brooks, 2019;

Davidman & Greil, 2007; Streib, 2021).

Central in understanding why individuals choose to leave a religion is the notion

of such “push” factors which drive individuals away from the origin or religion (i.e., what

individuals may find objectionable or irreconcilable about a religion) as well as “pull”

factors which represent that which entices leaving or movement towards an outward

destination (i.e., what individuals may find appealing about life outside of a religion to

warrant leaving) (Engelman et al., 2020).

Common among push reasons given for leaving a religion include challenges with

the religion’s rules, the individual’s view that the religion is no longer logical and

conflicts with religious tenets alongside their own sense of reason (LeCount, 2017). With

this conflict, religious individuals may also experience a discrepancy or dissonance

between notions of truth taught by the religion and what they alternatively experience in

social contexts (Ormsbee, 2020). Such dissonance is seen particularly in individuals who

feel constrained in the ways in which they can assert themselves and subsequently feel

that they are leading double lives (Jindra & Lee, 2021). In religions that enforce gender

roles between men and women, women may also feel restricted in their participation

within family, community and society (Davidman & Greil, 2007).

Push reasons for leaving (including those related to gender norms) can also be

understood within the context of early childhood experiences. In her work with the

exHasidic community, Davidman (2014) identified three common types of significant

childhood experiences which predisposed individuals to question their religion: an

exposure to the outside world, growing up in a family that operated in some way outside

of the Haredi norms, and witnessing the unequal opportunities that would not be available

to women as opposed to men.

These constraints and prohibitions on behavior are what can be described as

characteristics of “high-cost” religions which often require significant financial and social

sacrifices of its members (Scheitle & Adamczyk, 2010). Socially, high-cost religions may

also shun relationships with those that are not in-group while prescribing relationships

with those from within the group itself—that is, religions that ask more from its members

are largely insular in nature (Scheitle & Adamczyk, 2010; Davidman & Greil, 2007). The

costs of time and money are seen to be more pronounced for institutions that are

“churchlike” as opposed to those that are “sect-like” or sects in and of themselves

(Iannaccone, 1992). The effect to those that may believe in high-cost religions, is that the

bulk (if not all) of their social connections are formed with those within the religion

which occur in parallel with weakened (or non-existent) external support systems

(Scheitle &

Adamczyk, 2010).

Individuals who ultimately wish to leave their religion likely encounter periods of

internal struggle and doubt which may carry with it associations for psychological

distress (Ellison & Lee, 2009). Religious doubt can be understood as something that does

not serve to benefit the individual but rather to coincide with a decreased satisfaction with

one’s overall health as well as a greater experiencing of depressive symptoms (Krause &

Wulff, 2004). This contrasts with those who may feel more secure in their religious

convictions and experience less psychological distress compared to those who may

ultimately struggle (Krause & Wulff, 2004). Especially if an individual is part of a

highcost religion, they may feel that their religion serves as a central and all-consuming

part

of their identity as opposed to a secondary or additional aspect (Scheitle & Adamczyk,

2010; Brooks, 2019).

Although leaving a religion is likely to be a seismic event in an individual’s life

capable of significant changes in identity, social composition and belief, the act of leaving

a religion has little impact on one’s basic personality structure (Paloutzian et al., 1999).

The retainment of personality structure serves as a point of distinction between notions of

“self-concept” that may be subject to change during deconversion. That is, during the

transition period (which may be months or years), individuals who leave a religion are

then tasked with reconciling their new beliefs with their old beliefs and selves (Fazzino,

2014). For those who emerge from a tightly controlled religion, this may present as a

challenge as the sense of self that can be created in the outside or secular world is seen as

possessing a myriad of choices and possibilities (Davidman, 2014). In other words,

within the rigidity of a religious system, individuals have less choice and ability to create

distinctions within themselves while the leaving of that community opens possibilities—

central to which is how the individual sees themselves.

The ability to construct oneself in new and different ways can be part of what

compels individuals to leave a religion. Additional factors included allowing individuals

increased autonomy in life decisions as well as a more tolerant and inclusive view

towards those outside of the community (Engelman et al., 2020). Arrival at a decision to

leave a religion along with the act of leaving a religion can also cause individuals to feel a

sense of freedom (LeCount, 2017). This sense of freedom can be seen in the erasure of

prohibitions against types of dress and the ability to choose romantic and sexual partners

(LeCount, 2017).

The presence of various pull factors, however, contradicts notions that there might

be structured sources of support if and when individuals leave a religion. Conversely,

these individuals are less likely to find institutional support in their religious exit

(Davidman & Greil, 2007). This is in notable contrast to the greater level of guidance and

formalized scripts for those looking to convert to a religion (Davidman & Greil, 2007).

The context in which religious doubt or questioning occurs is also understood to be

socially and contextually dependent. The transmission of cultural and religious values

across the family and society at large can play a defining role in shaping what, if any,

religious beliefs an individual may harbor (Smith, 2010). Subsequently, a critical

component within the experience of leaving a religion rests within the dynamics and

interactions of the family system as family is cited as the single largest factor leading

individuals to hesitate leaving a religion (LeCount, 2017). The fear and worry that these

individuals may experience is understandable given the higher rates of violence inflicted

upon apostates (often by family members) than non-religious individuals as well as the

specter of banishment from the family unit itself (Parekh & Egan, 2020; LeCount, 2017).

Common negative reactions of families demonstrated at the individual leaving the

religion were anger, rejection, despair, and disconnection (Zimmerman et al., 2015).

These families also largely exhibited a rigid denial and dismissiveness towards the

individual’s leaving of the religion and instead, paradoxically, seemed to reiterate

religious doctrine as well as adding pressure to engage in religious ceremony as a means

of strengthening their religious belief (Zimmerman et al., 2015). Ostracism and rebuke by

the community may also serve to further compound the negative effects felt by those who

leave a religion. Reactions from an individual’s former religious community can be

understood largely as a rejection. This rejection can be manifested through open criticism,

gossip, public stares, and total cut-off from social connections (Berger, 2015). Such

highly critical and unwelcoming attitudes towards apostates or converts are known to be

worse from those with a greater level of identified religious practice and fundamentalism

(Kanol & Michalowski, 2022). This negative sentiment by the religious community

towards an individual can be attributed to the belief that the community itself is hurt by

the apostate’s actions (Kanol & Michalowski, 2022).

Subsequently, for many, questioning of religious belief and engagement with

content that is critical of religious beliefs are often experienced during university/college

years where individuals may also be more prone to developing new ideas and

reconsidering notions of the self (Smith, 2010). This understanding of when individuals

often leave a religion is echoed by the argument against a linear understanding of the

lifecycle as it relates to apostasy. In other words, the assumption that an accumulation of

stressors due to the religion would posit that individuals are more likely to leave a

religion later on in life when in fact the opposite has proven to be true—individuals are

more likely to leave a religion in their teens (Need & Graaf, 1996). As individuals who

effectively hide their apostasy from their families and communities are often younger in

age, they may still live with their parents and depend upon them to some degree for

financial support (LeCount, 2017).

In this way, the process of leaving a religion can be long and arduous due to

structural roadblocks created by religious institutions that make leaving difficult, the

reconceptualization of self-thought that is often required for individuals as well as

conflict and disengagement from social networks (Ormsbee, 2020; Speelman, 2006).

Even long after the initial departure from religion, individuals may feel that remnants of

that religion affecting their daily lives and in turn feel as an ongoing form of

psychosomatic trauma (Brooks, 2019). For others, departure can entail the presence of a

figurative social and personal vacuum due to the fear of losing community and belief

spurred by the absence of a guiding religion (LeCount, 2017). In managing through this

loss of identity, individuals may face uncertainty regarding their prior and emerging

selves and experience losses of relationship as well as feelings of isolation, depression

and guilt (Jindra & Lee, 2021). This may be why, for some, the process of leaving a

religion is neither simple nor fast and instead akin to a more complicated experience with

individuals removing layer upon layers of religious belief over time (Ormsbee, 2020).

Additionally, those who leave a religion may also be more likely to abandon religion

altogether as opposed to converting to another religion (Albrecht & Bahr, 1983).

Gender in Islam

Public discourse, particularly in the West, around Muslims and Islam has often

focused on the role of gender in Islam and Muslim communities. A common criticism

surrounding the understanding of, in particular, Muslim women is that their inherent

complexity as a group has often been unfairly reduced and instead assumptions of their

identities have been inaccurate and misinformed (Bullock, 2005; Jawad & Benn, 2003;

Haddad et al., 2011; Shaffi, 2009). This criticism has come against a historical backdrop

in which the Muslim community has seen sharp increases in discrimination which were

evident after the terrorist attacks in the U.S. on the World Trade Center on September 11th

(Haque, 2004; Ali et al., 2005). However, Muslim women—particularly those who are

“visible” Muslims due to the religious garments they may wear—face unique difficulties

in that they are often easy targets of xenophobia and anti-Muslim sentiment in ways that

Muslim men may not be (Bullock, 2005). Subsequently, workplace discrimination,

threats, and physical attacks against “covered” or “veiled” Muslim women have been

documented in a host of countries including Germany, Sweden, and Switzerland

(Weichselbaumer, 2019; Abdullahi, 2016; Lindemann, 2021).

Persistent Western characterizations of Islam as oppressive towards women were

argued to have been deployed by various U.S. administrations to “engender emotional

support for American adventures overseas” (Haddad et al., 2006, p. 4). Perceptions,

particular in the West, have then been that of Islam as an oppressive religion towards

women thus rendering belief of Muslim women as uniformly oppressed (Cook-Masaud &

Higgins, 2011; Bullock, 2005). The dissenting opinion from this perception has been that

oppressive treatment is seen as affecting some Muslim women and further understood to

be the result of patriarchal and sexist interpretations of the Quran which are more

indicative of cultural, rather than religious, influences (Cook-Masaud & Higgins, 2011).

Perspectives of Women in Islam

The voices and activism of Muslim women, particularly in Western spaces, has

been seen through a variety of collected vignettes and analyses both in print and

usergenerated forms of media which have served to provide a counter-narrative to

mainstream characterizations of Islam and Muslim women. In Bullock’s (2005) collection

of essays, eighteen different Muslim women shared their personal stories of activism as

both Muslim women and Muslim women in Western political contexts.

Bullock’s (2005) aim was notably to “disrupt the negative stereotype of ‘the veiled

Muslim woman,’ the one who is supposed to be silently suffering due to her religion” (p.

xvi). Bullock (2002) extended upon this protest by highlighting the opinions of several

Muslim women who view the hijab as not restricting upon their freedom and having an

overall benefit to society by, for example, protecting women from male advances.

Similarly, Shaffi’s (2009) collection of essays highlighted the stories of twenty

Muslim women in the United Kingdom as both a celebration of their strengths and

diversity but also as a rejection of the predominant narratives in the media which

portrayed Muslim women as victims of sexist and religious oppression. From one Hindu

woman’s story of converting to Islam to another woman’s story of advising others on how

they can adjust into practicing Islamic traditions, the diversity of these stories acted as an

ideological counter to overly reductionist portrayals while affirming their religious beliefs

from a place of freedom and choice (Shaffi, 2009). The agency of Muslim women is

further seen in Abu-Lughod’s (2013) critique discussing the disparity between the

Western presumption that Muslim women are devoid of rights and her personal

experiences conducting ethnographic research. This research included her discussion of a

woman named Zaynab who lived in a rural area of Egypt and chided at the suggestion

that she was oppressed by Islam. These stories, by their very existence and inclusion into

the mainstream, would seemingly echo a collective protest to a Western understanding

that was either dismissive of or incorrect about Muslim women’s voices.

The experiences of Muslim women have also been seen in newer user-generated

platforms such as YouTube. As a medium for publishing original content for broad social

engagement, YouTube has seen explosive growth since its inception (Burgess & Green,

2009). Part of YouTube’s growth has been in the popularization of video blogs (or

“vlogs”) in which individuals create content about anything from real-life occurrences to

personal reflections that may be akin to a diary, art, journalism, or entertainment (Lange,

2007). Such user-generated content questions the very nature of social boundaries as they

allow for a more intimate view in the lives of vloggers (Lange, 2007). By challenging these

social boundaries, users who would upload content to sites such as YouTube also have the

ability to argue against prejudices or preconceived notions that viewers might have through

the content and beliefs they share (Lange, 2007). For Muslim women, as their religious

expression has frequently been the subject of public and political controversy across the

West, this has led to various forms of social activism in protest of both stigmatization and

legal discriminations against the Muslim community— particularly Muslim women

(Reuters, 2021; Hussein, 2020). For some young Muslim women, wearing religious

coverings such as the hijab and creating content in the form of vlogs functions as an act of

resistance against characterizations of covered Muslim women as oppressed and devoid of

agency or freedom (Rahman, 2015). As these vloggers represent diverse communities and

variations of Islamic belief, they also pose a challenge to dominant perceptions while

working to create a space of community and inclusion particularly for Muslim women in the

West (Wheeler, 2014).

This struggle for inclusion and in building community, however, may also

incidentally contribute to the policing of what opinions Muslim women may feel they can

openly share (and not share) in public spaces. In Western countries, Muslim women may

feel as if they are caught in a double-bind. Although some may wish to more openly

express their criticisms towards parts of Islamic practices or communities, they may be

reluctant to do so as to not unintentionally contribute to anti-Muslim sentiment (Haddad

et al., 2011). In Muslim-majority countries, this double-bind for Muslim women operates

differently. Their potential criticisms towards Islam or religiously-informed laws are

likely to see serious legal consequences due to prohibitions on apostasy and blasphemy

(Rehman, 2010).

Most recently, the voices of Muslim women in the Islamic Republic of Iran caught

global attention and invited critique of both religious laws and the regime that would

impose them. In September of 2022, a 22-year-old woman from Kurdistan named Mahsa

Amini was arrested by Iran’s morality police who were enforcing their country’s

compulsory dress code laws (Khatam, 2023; Reuters, 2022). Amini later died after being

held in detention and her death sparked a wave of protests throughout Iran and Kurdstan

with protestors adopting the Kurdish revolutionary slogan of Woman, Life, Freedom

(Khatam, 2023). Although the impetus for the protests was the morality police’s

detainment of Amini leading to her death, the protests have widened in scope, calling for

an end to the Iranian regime and its Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei (Reuters,

2022). For Muslim women in Iran, their criticism and rejection of compulsory hijab laws

is, by some measure, also a broader criticism towards state interpretations of Islam.

Research on Counseling Muslim Clients

The majority of Muslim counseling-related research is centered upon, notably,

notions of identity, the role of faith in treatment as well as guidance and cultural

competency guidelines for the Muslim population. Some literature has spoken to both

domains acting as a form of treatise in learning more about Muslim culture while

presenting recommendations for clinical interventions and culturally-informed

assessments (McGoldrick et al., 2005; Cook-Masaud & Wiggins, 2011).

As much research focuses on the religious aspects of Muslim identity, this has led

to authors and researchers outlining religious or spiritually-informed treatment guidelines

(Rassool, 2015; Meer & Mir, 2014; Irajpour, Moghimian & Arzani, 2018). Some clinical

guidance has offered the perspective of a cultural-outsider to Muslim culture and how to

best work with Muslim clients (Cook-Masaud & Wiggins, 2011). Although these articles

rarely mention apostasy within the population, some do briefly speak to working with

Muslim clients who have “variations in commitment to Islam” which then recommend

the referencing of Islamic principles to run in parallel to the level of belief of the

individual (Ibrahim & Dykeman, 2011, p. 390).

Research on ex-Muslims

Although ex-Muslims are a population that remains largely unstudied in the

domains of counseling and counselor education, there is a growing amount of literature

on ex-Muslims (or those that identify as having left Islam) in academic journals as well as

in collected vignettes, autobiographies, news pieces and user-generated content in newer

forms of media across other academic disciplines. This body of content provides some

understanding as to the reasons that ex-Muslims (including ex-Muslim women) seek to

leave Islam, how they experience leaving as a phenomenon and the struggles they face

both internally and externally in their communities (Khalil & Bilici, 2007; Kraft, 2013).

Additionally, these sources also provide insight into the role of online and newmedia

spaces for ex-Muslims as part of their apostasy journeys (Bharat, 2022; Enstedt &

Larsson, 2013; Hashmi, Rashid & Munir, 2021).

Reasons for Leaving

Perhaps the central point of emphasis in discourse of ex-Muslims rests in the

motivating or compelling factors for seeking to leave Islam. Most notably in the form of

published collections of vignettes from ex-Muslims are the works by Simon Cottee and

Ibn Warraq. Cottee (2015) utilizes life-history interviews (as well as written

correspondence) conducted with thirty-five ex-Muslim men and women to expound upon

aspects of apostasy including the reasons for seeking religious exit. Cottee (2015) shared

the testimonials of ex-Muslims who hold both personal and political motivations for

leaving Islam. In the personal domain, there was an incompatibility between personal

convictions and Islamic tenets while in the political domain the motivation was to counter

isolation likely faced by ex-Muslims (Cottee, 2015). The political motivations were

rooted in the desire to protest and establish a community for ex-Muslims (Cottee, 2015).

Warraq (2003) sought to provide a composite view of ex-Muslims. The twenty-six

collected testimonials from ex-Muslims that are featured include those who are identified

as being born Muslim or into Islam as well as those of “Western converts” who had

converted to Islam and then renounced the religion. There ex-Muslim men and women

described an often irreconcilable conflict between their convictions and notions of “truth”

as set forth in Islam (Warraq, 2003). The search for “truth” was beset with the “lies” in

Islam: “Muslims are cocooned in lies. Because speaking against Islam is a crime

punishable by death, no one dares tell the truth” (Warraq, 2003, p. 194). For some

exMuslims, this search for “truth” acted as a form of “self-making”—a coalition between

internal dialogue and reflection in which the individual comes to conceptualize notions of

self (Vliek, 2019, p. 107). It is then understandable how ex-Muslims, with the emphasis

on the value of truth, may come to identify the act of religious exit as a form of

selfliberation (Bharat, 2022).

Along with notions of truth, conflict with values in relation to the treatment of

women also presented as a fundamental factor that would push ex-Muslims away from

Islam: “I discovered that Islam does not give women equal rights to men. This was very

absurd. Here is one of the several ayahs in the Koran (holy book) that clearly says that

women are inferior to men and they have fewer rights as well,” (Warraq, 2003, pp.

224225). For some ex-Muslims, Islam’s attitudes toward women may be one of the

dissuading factors that ultimately drive a wedge further between their beliefs (Enstedt &

Larsson, 2013). Beyond the rights (or lack thereof) of women, ex-Muslims would also

contend that Islamic tenets fail to promote basic human rights and instead espouse

violence against both women and non-believers of Islam (Warraq, 2003). This is a

criticism echoed by ex-Muslims who argued that cultural relativism promotes uniform

deference towards all beliefs (including religious ones, such as those of Islam) despite

those beliefs housing oppressive principles (Orenstein & Weismann, 2016). For

exMuslims like Namazie (1998), cultural relativism masquerades as progressive values

while being ignorant or dismissive of the ways in which, in particular, women and girls

are oppressed by religiously informed Islamic regimes such as that seen in Iran.

Similar criticisms have been publicly made by other ex-Muslims, perhaps most

notable of whom is, perhaps, Ayaan Hirsi Ali. Ali (2008a) detailed her life story which

included, in part, her journey towards apostasy away from Islam. Ali’s (2008a; 2008b)

criticisms towards Islam include the practices of forced or “arranged” marriage and

female genital mutilation (sometimes referred to as “female circumcision”) (the latter of

which she was a victim of as a child) as well as the overall prohibitions against critique of

or apostasy in Islam. Her central stated concern is in the oppression of Muslim women.

This has remained one of the many points of contention between Ali and her detractors

who have sharply criticized (or ignored) her work for its depictions of Islam (Ali, 2008a;

Ali, 2008b; Grewal, 2012). Ali’s concerns, however, are intended to act as a message for

the Muslim community to confront its oppressive and sexist practices. What Ali (2008b)

was clear to signal, despite her criticisms of Islam, was that her goals were not to

proselytize:

I do not aim to transform Muslims into atheists, but I do want to expose the

blemishes of the culture, particularly its cruel treatment of women. I have

observed firsthand the undeniable connection between the rules of the Koran,

which state that a disobedient wife should be beaten, and the violent practice of

wife beating. (p. 181)

Notions of choice and freedom were also prominent in the stated experiences for

ex-Muslims. The desire to live life beyond the terms set by Islamic guidelines places the

emphasis, then, on personal agency as opposed to compliance (Warraq, 2003). Within the

past decade, news media outlets have highlighted the experiences of ex-Muslims by

sharing individual stories of apostasy as well as the social pressures and legal risks that

ex-Muslims can face. News pieces from VICE News (2016), the BBC Newsbeat (2015),

SBS The Feed (2018), Slate (2017) and DW News (2014) have each featured individuals

who identify as ex-Muslim and/or have left Islam and identify as atheists. These stories

have shed light not only on a divergence of religious beliefs and attitudes towards notions

of truth but also the broader cultural setting which contributed to both their motivations in

leaving Islam as well as the challenges they faced. The motivating factors for leaving

include a rejection of “modesty” clothing (such as wearing religious garments like the

hijab, shayla or niqab) that are championed by some Muslim women as forms of

resistance and a choice-based expression of religion (Abu-Lughod, 2015; Shaffi, 2009;

Rahman, 2015).

Academic research has also highlighted Muslims who not only have left Islam but

also those who convert to, oftentimes, Christianity. These studies have profiled Muslims

seeking asylum in Norway as well as Iranian Shiite Muslims traveling to Turkey (with the

ultimate aim of resettling in the West) and converting to Christianity as a strategy for

migration (Stene, 2019; Akcapar, 2006). For some Christian ex-Muslims, including those

who converted to Islam and then converted back to Christianity, their motivations for exit

may be grounded in the belief of one “true” religion over another (Khalil & Bilici, 2007,

p. 115).

How Leaving is Conceptualized and Experienced

For ex-Muslims, the experience of leaving Islam is seen as a complex negotiation

between their personal goals, families of origin and their unique contexts. The most

prominent aspect of leaving for ex-Muslims is in the act of disclosure which is the

revelation to family and friends of their apostasy. In describing the nature of disclosure to

friends and family, ex-Muslims carefully weigh the potential risks and benefits of

essentially outing themselves (Cottee, 2015). This careful consideration often emerged

from fears over familial or communal condemnation, concern for the feelings of the

family as well as worries over their beliefs being transmitted to others (Cottee, 2015).

Subsequently, ex-Muslims often engaged in “hinting” behaviors to assess the possibility

of disclosure:

Hinting of the kind described above has two key purposes. The first is to ‘test the

waters’: to roughly gauge how others will respond to full disclosure of disbelief.

Some respondents said that hostile responses to hints made them rethink or even

abandon their decision to disclose, whereas positive responses had given them the

confidence to go through with it. (Cottee, 2015, p. 104)

Along with the act of hinting, ex-Muslims may experience leaving as a gradual process

where religious beliefs are figuratively excised and the wearing of religious garments

such as the hijab are adjusted over time. Speaking of one ex-Muslim woman, Cottee

(2015) described how “She had removed her hijab, at first slowly by loosening it and

then later discarding it completely, hoping that her parents would eventually get used to

the ‘new’ Amina. But they didn’t get used to the new Amina” (Cottee, 2015, p. 105). For

some ex-Muslims, the process of leaving Islam may be a singular act or a culmination of

non-chronological stages (Vliek, 2020). For others, it may be less of a concerted effort

and more of a gradual process signaled by a slow erosion of faith where Islam plays a

decreasing role of significance in the individual’s life (Vliek, 2020).

“Coming out” stories, or disclosure experiences of ex-Muslims who have

converted to Christianity, have also been examined and revealed insight into how

Muslims who leave their faith and their families may reconcile faith conversion with

maintaining positive family relations (Kraft, 2013). Additionally, ex-Muslim Christians

may also reveal the nature of conversion as a process involving a series of intermixed

steps such as the appearance of a crisis and the quest for a new faith (Speelman, 2006).

For some ex-Muslim Christians, their exit from Islam is marked by a desire to adopt a

different religion that is more in line with their beliefs (Enstedt & Larsson, 2013).

In the ex-Muslim community, semantics surrounding language and levels of

religious belief may also play a role in the ways in which they experience religious exit.

As identities such as “atheist” may hold particularly negative connotations in Islam, some

ex-Muslims may instead traverse the issue by stating their disbelief in the existence of a

God without the explicit adoption of atheism as their identity or lack of religious belief

(Cottee, 2015).

Struggles and Challenges Experienced

For ex-Muslims, the negative stigma associated with apostasy and atheism is

inextricably linked to their experiences within the context of their families and

communities. For some ex-Muslims, the adoption of atheism as an aspect of identity was

taken negatively by family members who felt that doing so was the individual’s attempt

at disassociating from and condescending to the community (Vliek, 2019). For other

exMuslims, their beliefs presented them with a double-bind in which either choice

rendered no perfect solution. By leaving Islam, they risked ostracism from their

communities and yet by staying, they risked perpetual psychological distress (Cottee,

2015).

As a result, ex-Muslims often found themselves exhaustively contemplating their

disclosure to their family and friends no longer solely to state their beliefs (or lack

thereof) but rather to argue their positionality in leaving Islam knowing that they would

need to defend their stance rigorously from familial criticism and examination: “In

crafting their exit accounts, respondents not only sought to explain— or rather to justify

—their apostasy, but also to preempt any possible counter-ripostes” (Cottee, 2015, p.

111).

Subsequently, ex-Muslims often experienced prolonged and painful periods of

depression, guilt and loss accentuated by the oftentimes negative reactions of family

members (Warraq, 2003). These negative reactions from families generally centered upon

rejection, condemnation and shame in that parents and siblings often threatened cut-off

and attacked the character of the apostate (Cottee, 2015). Negative community reactions

were also anticipated as the community’s reaction typically served to shame the parents

for the perceived mistakes of their children (Cottee, 2015).

Online Spaces of Apostasy

In addition to traditional forms of media which have relied upon printed

publications to transmit knowledge, the proliferation of online platforms (or “new

media”) has allowed user-generated content on every conceivable subject matter and

lived experience to be shared largely freely across borders. Video-sharing websites such

as YouTube and online repository websites created in the style of Wikipedia have allowed

users, including ex-Muslims, to openly, anonymously and pseudonymously broadcast

their stories in written and video form while simultaneously engaging in public discourse

with visitors to the platforms. Perhaps particularly to those that may have experienced

apostasy in insular communities before the advancement of communication technologies,

the internet is seen as affecting a change in the balance of power in which users are able

to connect across borders with those with similar interests and aims

(Warraq, 2003). Such user-generated content has created a “participatory culture” that

Jenkins et al. (2006) argued allows for an increasing number of individuals to share their

works while feeling some sense of social connection with other users (p. 7). This

participatory culture that platforms such as YouTube cultivate then can become places of

public discourse around a variety of social issues that also have the potential to

demonstrate knowledge from the producers of content themselves (Burgess & Green,

2009). Such knowledge can be grounded in the lived experience of the content-creators

and provide insights into specific and lesser-known populations.

Analysis of French ex-Muslim narratives on YouTube revealed that although there

were unique differences between the individuals, their testimonies portrayed Islam as

intolerant, violent and engaging in bigotry (Bharat, 2022). Despite different endpoints for

those individuals whether they became atheist, agnostic or converted to Christianity, the

individuals identified the act of leaving Islam as “self-liberation” (Bharat, 2022). A

similar characterization of Islam is also seen in the apostasy narratives of those on

published on WikiIslam.net (2022) which is described as an online and primarily

textbased platform that seeks “to provide accurate and accessible information from

traditional and critical perspectives on the beliefs, practices, and development of Islam.”

WikiIslam.net acts as a global platform both for user-generated content and also as a

repository for works produced elsewhere. Additionally, the site houses a number of

testimonials from former Muslims which, at one point in time, totaled in 303 apostasy

narratives with 212 constructed by men and 91 by women (WikiIslam, 2022). These

testimonials often function as autobiographies in which individuals, in describing their

leaving of Islam, argued that Islam is irrational, illogical and oppressive as a religion,

(WikiIslam, 2022).

However, testimonials and commentary made by ex-Muslims in online spaces

have also been prone to criticism as to their merits and skepticism as to their veracity.

Especially as their testimonials are often seen as damaging to Islam and the Muslim

community, the strength of arguments made by ex-Muslims in criticism of Islam have

been the point of critique in and of itself (Enstedt & Larsson, 2013; Hashmi et al., 2021).

This may be, in part, attributable as an extension of concerns regarding the unfair or

inaccurate characterizations of Islam. By some measures, the internet has become a space

of “virtual competition” between major world religions which may be vying for influence

and conversion (Khalil & Bilici, 2007, p. 121). As proselytization and missionary work

historically have been emphasized as pillars of religious practice in religions such as

Islam and Christianity, online spaces present convenient grounds for engagement (Khalil

& Bilici, 2007).

Another influencing factor may be the nature of online spaces where anonymity

affects the ways in which people engage with others. For former Muslims in Morocco,

the ways in which they make jokes about Islam and engage with others using humor in

online spaces may be different than in-person interactions where they may be outed to

their families for their speech (Richter, 2021). As Cottee (2015) described online

engagement with ex-Muslims, “Respondents who wrote about their experiences online

clearly [sic] revelled in the freedom of the anonymity of the internet, admitting to

thoughts, feelings, anxieties, habits and desires which would doubtless shame them in

face-to-face interactions. Some had taken particular delight in relaying their acts of

defiance against Islamic prohibitions, using [sic] humour and irony to animate their

accounts” (p. 110).

Gaps in the Literature

Academic inquiries into deconversion or “leaving” narratives has sought to

understand the motivations and experiences of those individuals who may leave a

religion. Additionally, there has been focus on the psychological impacts of leaving,

family and community ostracism as well as the forms of struggle that individuals may

face in forging a new identity. Inquiries into these narratives has focused on the demands

from “high-cost” religions which function in more insular or enclosed capacities and

require varying forms of sacrifice and commitment as part of membership (Iannaccone,

1992; Scheitle & Adamczyk, 2010, p. 326). These inquiries serve as added layers of

complexity given the amount of study on conversion narratives which seek to understand

how and why individuals may adopt one religious belief after exiting from another (or

from atheism or agnosticism).

In this history of scholarly inquiry into deconversion, the experiences of

exMuslims leaving Islam remain a phenomenon that is not widely understood. Khalil and

Bilici’s (2007) analyzed both print and web sources which featured the stories and

gathering of ex-Muslims. The authors acknowledged that although debates surrounding

controversial topics within Islam such as blasphemy may generate significant discussion,

little is known—especially in the West—regarding the conditions in which people leave

Islam (Khalil & Bilici, 2007). Although a modest amount of stories and analyses of

exMuslims exist across collected vignettes, academic literature, news and in user-

generated platforms, the majority of perspectives shared are of male ex-Muslims and do

not provide a deeper conceptualization into how ex-Muslim women understand and

experience leaving Islam (Khalil & Bilici, 2007). Additionally, narratives from ex-

Muslims across collected vignettes and user-generated platforms such as WikiIslam are

predominantly male despite the scrutiny on Muslim women’s experiences in discourse

around gender in

Islam and the roughly equal representation of stories when individual are converting to

Islam instead of away from Islam (Enstedt & Larsson, 2013; Khalil & Bilici, 2007).

Some insights into the experiences of ex-Muslim women have come to light in

published content, user-generated platforms and in news pieces but more research is

needed to develop a thorough understanding of this phenomenon. Islam’s widespread

popularity and projections of growth across the world would suggest that inevitably there

may be those who wish to leave the religion and yet there is little insight into the lived

experiences of ex-Muslim women in leaving Islam.

In domains of sociology, anthropology and counseling, the infrequent explorations

into these stories are likely due to the sensitive and controversial nature of apostasy and

due to fears of inadvertently contributing to anti-Muslim sentiment particularly in the

West (Slate, 2017). One argument posits that the stories of ex-Muslims would be used

deployed by those who harbor such sentiments to ultimately attack and portray Islam and

Muslims as antithetical to other worldviews (Enstedt & Larsson, 2013). Although these

stories have been prone to utilization by right-wing news outlets to push political

agendas, the existence of ex-Muslims and the stories they may share can ultimately work

against anti-Muslim bigotry by demonstrating complexity and presence of dissenting

belief within the Muslim (and ex-Muslim) community (Slate, 2017). What remains to be

better understood are how ex-Muslim women experience and conceptualize leaving Islam

and the changes in their understanding of identity as a result (or in the process) of leaving

Islam.

Summary

Muslims represent a rapidly growing population across the world. They are an

inherently complex community to conceptualize a shared phenomenon around due to the

variety of nationalities, cultures, ethnicities and sects of religious belief that are present

within the broader Muslim community. Although disparate in beliefs by certain measures,

there is also a level of shared attitudes regarding adherence to certain basic

Islamic principles. Since the terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center on September

11th in the U.S., Muslims have experienced increased discrimination particularly in

Western countries making them a population vulnerable to increased mental health needs.

Across a variety of academic domains, the experiences of Muslims have seen study

ranging from culturally competent counseling practices to the migration strategies of Shia

Iranian Muslims (Akcapar, 2006; Ali, Milstein & Marzuk, 2005; Cook-Masaud &

Wiggins, 2011; Hamdan, 2007; Ibrahim & Dykeman, 2011). A sub-group within the

Muslim population are ex-Muslims who have renounced their belief in Islam. Due to a

host of social and structural difficulties, those who engage in apostasy are prone to

prosecution, attack and discrimination within their governments and communities.

Apostasy and exiting from various religions including Hasidic Judaism and the Church of

Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints have been the subject of academic inquiry. Decades of

research into this field has yielded valuable insights into the interpersonal challenges that

apostates face as well as the motivations for leaving a religion.

Ex-Muslims, however, remain a relatively understudied population within general

study into apostasy populations. There exists a modicum of vignettes and analyses in

various forms of media which seek to build a foundation of knowledge on the

experiences of ex-Muslims. Of published vignettes, user-generated content and new

forms of media, the stories of male ex-Muslims are more commonly heard of than the

stories of females. Subsequently, there is little exploration into the experiences of

exMuslim women particularly in regards to how they make sense of their apostasy

journeys. The lived experiences of ex-Muslim women present an important and necessary

area of study for counselors and counselor educators as principles of inclusion towards

multicultural competency are guiding ethics across each professional association. By

highlighting the stories of ex-Muslim women, counselors and counselor educators are

better able to understand how this sub-group experiences and thinks about this shared

phenomenon.

CHAPTER TWO: METHODOLOGY

Overview

For the current research study, a qualitative approach was chosen to gain insight

into ex-Muslim women’s experiences including how they make sense of leaving Islam.

This approach was selected as it allows the researcher to explore ex-Muslim women’s

lived experiences and the subjective meaning-making of their religious exit. In this way,

research methodologies such as phenomenology can be utilized to draw knowledge from

sources that may experience a particular phenomenon (Moustakas, 1994). Although other

qualitative methods such as narrative and ethnographic research may also prove useful in

examining the phenomenon of ex-Muslim women leaving Islam, Interpretative

Phenomenological Analysis (IPA) was chosen for this study because it expands upon

phenomenology and attends to how individuals who experience a significant life

phenomenon reflect upon and understand the phenomenon itself (Smith et al., 2009).

Research Method

Qualitative Inquiry

As this researcher is interested in exploring the lived experiences of a particular

population, qualitative methods were considered as the broad aims of qualitative research

within social science focus on the nature of social reality based on individuals’

perceptions (Beuving et al., 2015). Additionally, qualitative research is based upon the

axiological assumption that each component within research contains inherent values and

biases including the values of the researcher, participants, and the information gathered

(Creswell & Poth, 2018). For the purposes of this study, qualitative inquiry aligns with

the researcher’s aim to understand how individuals can subjectively make sense of

situations, processes, and experiences. As knowledge in regards to these areas can be

achieved through a variety of qualitative methods including narrative, grounded theory,

ethnographic, case study, and phenomenology, the researcher then considered each for

their utility in addressing the crafted research questions (Creswell & Poth, 2018; Denzin

& Lincoln, 2017; Yardley, 2000). For this researcher, the collection of data and generation

of knowledge is then both an interpersonal and iterative endeavor in which this researcher

sought to gain an understanding of the subject while continuously reflecting upon the

process of research itself (Creswell & Poth, 2018).

Phenomenology

Within qualitative study, phenomenology allowed this researcher to focus upon

the experience of a phenomenon that may be shared by a number of individuals (Creswell

& Poth, 2017). The goal of this researcher, then, through phenomenological principles

was to analyze and reflect in a systematic and logical manner so that they may arrive at

“essential descriptions of experience” regarding ex-Muslim women’s lived experiences

and the phenomenon of their leaving of Islam (Moustakas, 1994, p. 44). In describing its

application to social science research, Moustakas (1994) argued that “Phenomenology is

concerned with wholeness, with examining entities from many sides, angles, and

perspectives until a unified vision of the essence of a phenomenon or experienced is

achieved” (pp. 51-52). This unified vision was achieved, in part, through the utility of

perception as a source of knowledge which this research spoke to through the

interpretative meaning-making of both the researcher and ex-Muslim women as

participants (Moustakas, 1994). By highlighting the stories of ex-Muslim women in their

own words, this researcher hoped to arrive at the essence that Husserl (1965), who is

widely credited as the founder of phenomenology, describes as its central “war cry”: “We

must question things themselves. Back to experience, to seeing, which alone can give to

our words sense rational justification” (p. 96).

Interpretative Phenomenological Analysis

Ultimately this research utilized IPA as its chosen methodology so that this

researcher could gain knowledge on the essence of ex-Muslim women’s stories and their

apostasy journeys. Returning to the essence of experience is also central to IPA which

exists as an adaptation of phenomenology in that it ultimately may uncover how people

understand certain phenomena (Smith et al., 2009). IPA extends upon phenomenology

and highlights how individuals engage and reflect upon specific and significant life

experiences (Smith et al., 2009) which was fitting for this research given the likely

prominent nature of Islam and apostasy in ex-Muslim women’s lives. A central tenet to

IPA necessary for this researcher was that the researcher sought to gain as close a view as

possible to the participant’s perspective pertaining to an experience while allowing

participants to freely tell their stories (Alase, 2017; Larkin et al., 2006). In this study, IPA

in this study was idiographic as it focused upon ex-Muslim women and the details of their

experiences and meaning-making around those experiences (Smith et al., 2009). As

individuals are engaged with an experience such as leaving a religion, IPA is also

theoretically underpinned by hermeneutics and its theory of interpretation (Smith et al.,

2009). While people/participants attempt to come to an understanding of significant

events, the researcher attempted to understand the participant’s own understanding,

which made the research both an investigative and interpretative process (Smith et al.,

2009). IPA focuses on a smaller sample of participants in order to construct a detailed

examination and understanding of each story as it relates to a particular phenomenon

(Smith et al., 2009). As the aim of this research study was to examine ex-Muslim

women’s experiences with and exit from Islam, IPA was chosen so that the essence of the

phenomenon itself could be understood.

Other Qualitative Methods Considered

During research design, other forms of qualitative analysis were considered

including the narrative methodology, ethnography, and other phenomenological

methodologies, such as the transcendental approach. However, the researcher ultimately

chose IPA as the methodology to understand and interpret the phenomenon of ex-Muslim

women leaving Islam. Although the narrative approach has similarities to both

phenomenology and IPA in that it seeks to understand the experiences of individuals as

told by themselves, a narrative methodology would focus on the stories of one or two

individuals as opposed to a group of individuals who have experienced a similar

phenomenon (Creswell & Poth, 2018). As the target population for participants in this

study encompassed women from a variety of ethnic, cultural, and national identities,

focusing on an individual’s story led to inference on how experience was connected to

certain identities. This study, by broadening the number of participants, allowed for a

more nuanced portrait of a phenomenon to be presented that was inclusive of diverse

identities.

In marked contrast with narrative research, ethnographic inquiry seeks to broaden

the scope of analysis by focusing on a group that shares a particular culture and often

requires the researcher to gather data by immersing themselves within the group itself.

This immersion required by ethnography could prove to be challenging and, possibly,

dangerous for several reasons. As ex-Muslims may still reside with their families of

origin and in countries where apostasy is de facto or de jure punishable, this population

may be “hidden” apostates in that their families and communities are unaware of their

renounced beliefs. Additionally, this researcher’s socially defined identities, including

those of being cis-male, American, Asian, non-Muslim, (which are further elaborated

upon in reflection of reflexivity and positionality) would make gaining close physical

access to such a group difficult without drawing attention to the research participants and

the nature of the research itself. Ethnographic researchers also focus upon the values,

behaviors, and beliefs of a culture-sharing group (Creswell & Poth, 2018). Due to the

geographic and cultural diversity within the ex-Muslim population, however, ethnography

would not easily lend itself to including voices of ex-Muslim women from across the

world as they are not centrally bound to any particular region or location

(Creswell & Poth, 2018).

Other approaches within phenomenology, such as transcendental phenomenology,

were also considered for the current study. However, despite possessing similarities in

strategic approaches with IPA in regards to data collection and analysis, these approaches

differ from IPA in that they focus on the descriptions of experience as opposed to the

interpretive or hermeneutical role of the researcher (Creswell & Poth, 2018; Moustakas,

1994; Smith et al., 2009). While both transcendental phenomenology and IPA gather

knowledge of experience from the reports of the individuals, the aim of transcendental

phenomenology is to arrive at textual and structural descriptions of experience which are

centered upon the multitude of contexts which influence how phenomenon is experienced

(Creswell & Poth, 2018). While a study utilizing transcendental phenomenology to

explore the stories of ex-Muslim women may have provided insight into how experiences

of apostasy are tied to temporal notions of the past, present and future, IPA research’s

focus is deliberately upon the meaning-making of individuals in regards to the specific

phenomenon–that is, how participants understand and make sense of their own

experiences–as opposed to the textual and structural descriptions of the phenomenon

(Creswell & Poth, 2018; Smith et al., 2009).

Researcher as the Instrument

As qualitative inquiry is an interpretive process in which the researcher's fielding

and transmission of information reveals the world in and of itself (Denzin & Lincoln,

2017), this researcher hoped to achieve this by creating preserved representations of what

was knowable that would have the potential to effect change (Denzin & Lincoln, 2017).

Critical to this process of research was for the researcher to gain an understanding of the

various contextual aspects of ex-Muslim women as well as how those contexts might

influence their experiences (Creswell & Poth, 2018). In this way, the role of the

researcher involved an increased level of involvement and iterative reflection including

how their own background may have influenced interpretation of the data gathered

(Creswell & Poth, 2018; Holmes, 2020).

As this research study was rooted in phenomenology, this researcher utilized

themselves as the instrument of data collection in addition to considering alternative

sources such as written texts and observations (Moustakas, 1994). In gathering data,

phenomenology required that the researcher possessed a deep awareness of the

interconnected nature between ex-Muslim and their experiences in and away from Islam.

In this IPA study, semi-structured interviews were utilized as the preferred and

primary method of gathering data as they allowed for participants to share their stories

and to speak openly (Smith et al., 2009). As a rich and nuanced retelling of first-person

accounts are critical to IPA, the researcher is then the mechanism from which inquiry is

conducted and they must figuratively step into the world of the participants (Moustakas,

1994; Smith et al., 2009). As the primary research instrument, this researcher was

required to demonstrate patience as it pertained to allowing the participants to speak

without interruption and also restraint in not arriving at conclusions or inserting meaning

within the course of data collection (Smith et al., 2009). This was essential for this study

due to the controversial nature of apostasy and a historical context in which ex-Muslim

women’s voices have not been highlighted in academic literature and other forms of

media. In this way, the researcher’s affect, pacing, and presence in the interviews likely

dictated the comfort that the participants felt as well as their level of anxiety which may

have influenced the quality and amount of data collected (Smith et al., 2009).

Reflexivity and Positionality

Reflexivity is also central to conducting an IPA and was necessary for this

researcher to reflect upon. Reflexivity involved the researcher considering the potential

prejudices, values and history of experiences that they inevitably brought into research

(Creswell & Poth, 2017) which invariably contested the notion that an objective inquiry

into social reality could be conducted (Palaganas et al., 2017). In many ways, reflexivity

is a thoughtful process where the researcher is keenly aware of their role in the

construction of knowledge (Finlay, 2002). Reflexivity, then, became not an isolated act by

this researcher but rather an ongoing process in which each stage of research was imbued

with reflexivity leading to insight and analysis (Finlay, 2002). This researcher may have

critiqued, for example, their emotional reactions throughout the research process by

regularly conducting note-taking or analytical memos (Miller et al., 2018). Such

intentional processes of reflection were necessary for this researcher to consider the ways

in which the research participants may have been influenced and, by suggestion, to

mitigate this potential influence when possible (Miles et al., 2013; Miller et al., 2018).

The quality of qualitative inquiry can also depend upon the researcher’s ability to

incorporate transparency into their work (Dodgson, 2019) by, for example, stating the

commonalities and differences he might have had with ex-Muslim women interviewed in

this study.

Reflection upon the researcher’s reflexivity involved careful examination of the

researcher’s positionality. Positionality can be defined as the stance or position that the

author or researcher inhabits in conducting research (Creswell & Poth, 2018). Aspects of

positionality such as skin-color or race may be seen as fixed while others tied to life

experiences may be seen as fluid or subject to change (Chiseri-Strater, 1996). These can

also be understood as a collection of socially defined identities that the researcher has that

did not necessarily indicate a particular set of views or beliefs which in turn may have

been interpreted by the research participants (Holmes, 2020). For this research study it

was essential that the researcher considered the potential impact of their socially defined

identities on the research participants as the identities of this researcher were markedly

different than those of ex-Muslim women.

Self as the Researcher

Throughout the research process, I continuously reflected upon my positionality

and its implications to the research that was conducted. At the time of this writing I am a

40-year-old Asian American man. I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and

also a doctoral student in Counselor Education and Supervision. I was born and educated

in the United States but have worked for most of my clinical career as a therapist abroad.

I have worked as a mental health therapist in the Kurdish region of Iraq serving primarily

Arab, Kurdish and Yazidi students. I have also worked in Suzhou, China serving

international students from across the world. In my work as a therapist, I have counseled

a large number of Muslim and ex-Muslim men and women as well as provided

consultation to other mental health professionals regarding issues of counseling Muslim

and ex-Muslim clients. Since 2021, I have counseled ex-Muslims through coordination

with a non-profit organization called Faithless Hijabi which aims to support ex-Muslims

who have experienced religious trauma and abuse. I do not and have never identified as

Muslim or ex-Muslim and, by those measures, I am an outsider to both communities.

Additionally, as a male, I inhabit a space of gender that is different from ex-Muslim

women.

Both of these factors may have influenced participants’ attitudes towards myself

and the research that I conducted. Bonner & Tolhurst (2002) argue that researchers who

inhabit insider or outsider roles possess advantages and disadvantages when performing

qualitative study. For insiders (of which I may be considered by some to be), potential

advantages may have included not being seen as strangers from the group, an easier

ability to gain trust, as well as a shorter time required for preparation in accessing the

field of study whereas potential disadvantages may have been bias in

interpretation/findings and the experiencing of role conflicts (Bonner & Tolhurst, 2002).

For outsiders, also of which I may be considered by some to be, potential advantages may

have been in being free of commitment to the group as well as being knowledgeable to

sensitive information that may be shared due to the temporary stay of the researcher.

Potential disadvantages may have been that the researcher could experience a form of

culture shock delaying their research as well as not being fully seen as trustworthy by the

research participants thus negatively impacting the quality of research (Bonner &

Tolhurst, 2002). The binary understanding of the researcher as an insider or outsider,

however, has also been criticized by some qualitative researchers as being overly

simplistic and unable to capture the unique roles that some researchers may find

themselves in (Breen, 2007). Further rejecting this binary conceptualization is the notion

that the researcher may also take on varying positions depending upon the situation, the

research participants and the researcher’s familiarity with norms of the group itself

(Milligan, 2016).

My experience living in Kurdistan and background in counseling both Muslim

and ex-Muslims may allow me to inhabit a space that is not fully the insider or the

outsider—that is, someone who is not part of either community by identity but has

experience working with both populations in a counseling context that, while not the

same as conducting qualitative research, is similarly invested in hearing ex-Muslim

women’s stories.

Positionality and reflexivity ultimately served as both reminders and guides to this

researcher so that they may be aware of the inherent interconnected nature between

themselves, participants, and the subject of inquiry. As part of the research process, I

utilized reflexivity and awareness of my positionality to critically examine my potential

biases, assumptions and values as well as the potential impact of my various socially

defined identities—including gender, nationality and ethnicity—on both the research

participants and the various stages of research.

Ethical Considerations

As the focus of this study is on ex-Muslim women and the method of scientific

inquiry was qualitative in nature, there were unique ethical considerations in regards to

the safety of participants. The three primary guiding principles of ethical research were

respect for the individual through attention to privacy and consent, concern for the

individual’s welfare through minimizing potential harm, and notions of justice through

inclusivity and equity in treatment (Creswell & Poth, 2017). Additionally, it was the

responsibility of this researcher to be aware of the cultural considerations specific to each

research participant and to view the guiding principles through the lens of these unique

contexts.

The act of apostasy is a point of controversy in the Muslim community and there

is no unified set of beliefs around the religious consequences of apostasy just as there is

no global uniformity of belief in Islam (Rehman, 2010). Some religious scholars argue

that the Quran both condemns apostates and does not explicitly describe specific

consequences—such as death—for apostates (Rehman, 2010). Others, like Islamic

scholar Abu’l A’Ia’ Mawdudi, have argued that, under Islamic law, male apostates must

be put to death (Warraq, 2003).

There have been many ex-Muslims that have publicly, anonymously, and

pseudonymously shared their stories in user-generated content online, academic literature,

published works and in journalism (Bharat, 2022). Published works such as Simon

Cottee’s The Apostates and Ibn Warraq’s Leaving Islam: Apostates Speak Out are

collected stories from a number of ex-Muslims that provided a level of pseudonymity for

its participants. Other ex-Muslims (or those who identify as atheist or apostates) have

been open about their apostasy including Ayaan Hirsi Ali, Sarah Haider, Zara Kay,

Maryam Namazie, Salman Rushdie, and Muhammed Syed.

Potentially, some participants may have only felt comfortable sharing their stories

if they could do so with privacy protections while others may have chosen to do so

openly and publicly. For those that wished to remain pseudonymous, it was particularly

necessary to provide a robust security protocol to ensure participant confidentiality.

Participants that meet criteria and wished to remain pseudonymous were assigned

code/fictional names during data collection and throughout the research study at which

point all data that was stored digitally (e.g. cited names in documents, the names that

recorded video or audio files are saved under). An informed consent document (Appendix

G) was made available to participants which they would digitally signed and submitted.

Additionally, digital documents including transcription of interviews were password

protected and then stored in local and cloud drives that require two-factor authentication

to access.

With respect to the individuals’ welfare, it was also necessary to recognize that an

individual’s consent and desire to participate in the study may have changed due to a

variety of potentially unforeseen factors. Subsequently, explicitly stating for participants

that their involvement and collected data could have been revoked at any time prior to

publication worked towards reducing potential harm and honoring their consent in the

process.

Data Collection

Participants

As IPA is most often implemented to gain insight into a particular phenomenon,

participant sampling was conducted purposively in order to have homogeneity of research

participants (Smith et al., 2009). Although it is theoretically possible that shared

experience of a chosen phenomenon could be gathered through randomized participant

sampling, it is unlikely due to the diversity of identities and beliefs within the general

population. Purposive sampling involved the search for participants through a

combination of referrals (others in various communities who may come to learn of the

study), opportunities (individuals whom the researcher knows) and/or snowballing

(referral by the participants themselves) (Smith et al., 2009). IPA research also seeks to

identify a largely homogenous sample of individuals. Although the level of appropriate

homogeneity within an IPA study is often difficult to determine, the central points of

emphasis are that the level of homogeneity is then practical for research to be conducted

and that the research question posed by the researcher is meaningful to the participants

(Miller et al., 2018). That is, if the participants find a high level of meaning in the posed

research question, the researcher is more likely to obtain rich data. If homogeneity is

threatened due to disparate levels of meaningfulness, or no meaningfulness, in the

phenomenon, understanding of the phenomenon may become obfuscated. To further

mitigate potential obfuscation of the sample’s experiences with the phenomenon, research

participants, in order to meet criteria for the research study were required to:

1. Identify as a woman.

2. Identify as having left Islam or in the process of leaving Islam.

3. Conduct an interview in English.

4. Be 18 years of age or older.

Research participants were composed of individuals from different countries,

ethnicities and sects of Islam. Location or national origin did not disqualify a participant

from being included in the research study.

Regarding sample size, IPA traditionally does not require that researchers obtain a

certain number of participants for their chosen studies (Smith et al., 2009). However, it

has been generally recommended by IPA researchers that the sample size be in the range

of five to ten homogeneous participants and that, due to the nature of IPA, the risk is often

of having a sample size that is effectively too large as opposed to too small (Pietkiewicz

& Smith, 2014; Smith et al., 2009). For the purposes of this research study, research

participants consisted of eight ex-Muslim women. Subsequently, purposive

heterogeneous sampling was better able to identify individuals who represent a specific

perspective and is more likely to lend itself to a deeper understanding of a shared

phenomenon. In qualitative research, redundancy and saturation are measures in which to

determine when a researcher has gathered sufficient data. Redundancy can be defined as a

process in which the researcher is no longer gathering new information from research

collection while saturation or theoretical saturation can be defined as the themes and/or

categories that have been fully reflected through the collection and analysis of data

(Saunders et al., 2017; Williams & Morrow, 2009).

Table X

Participant Demographics

Age

Range

Gender

Identity

Religious or

spiritual belief

(if any)

Ethnic or Racial

Identity

Nationality

Participant 1 –

“Amira”

30-39 Female Atheist Persian Iran

Participant 2 –

“Maryam”

20-29 Female Agnostic Singaporean Singapore

Participant 3 –

“Fatima”

20-29 Female Agnostic South Asian Canada

Participant 4 –

“Jamila”

30-39 Female Atheist South Asian USA

Participant 5 –

“Nadia”

18-27 Female Theist Asian Pakistani UK

Participant 6 –

“Sara”

23-32 Female Agnostic Indian India

Participant 7 –

“Huda”

18-27 Female Atheist Bangladeshi Bangladesh

Participant 8 –

“Zoya”

20-29 Female Atheist Lebanese Australia

Recruitment

Although the nature of apostasy and religious exit is controversial in many

communities, ex-Muslims openly create and engage in organized spaces and share their

stories across a number of social contexts. These organizations—such as the Council of

ex-Muslims of Great Britain, ex-Muslims of North America, and Faithless Hijabi–often

function as spaces for ex-Muslims to gather. Additionally, atheist organizations that are

non-specific to ex-Muslims—such as Humanists International and American Atheists–

were also considered for outreach but ultimately not contacted due to the research study

obtaining a sufficient number of research participants through other sources. The

researcher, after having obtained approval from the IRB, began recruitment by contacting

the organizations with an introductory email (Appendix C) sharing the aims of the

researcher. Additionally, this email described the researcher’s prior work with a

wellknown ex-Muslim organization that advocates for issues relevant to ex-Muslims.

Reference to the researcher’s clinical work was thought to be a necessary point of

emphasis due to the possible caution that ex-Muslim organizations can have regarding

outsider or unknown parties that attempt to reach its member base. This introductory

email asked the organization to forward the recruitment flyer (Appendix B) and/or

recruitment email (Appendix D) to its members.

After this initial wave of recruitment, participants were recruited through ongoing

purposive sampling–that is, referrals in which organizations and providers that work with

the ex-Muslim population were encouraged to forward the recruitment email and/or flyer.

Snowballing, the process of identifying potential participants from individuals who know

others fitting participant criteria (Creswell & Poth, 2018), was also considered as a

recruitment strategy as it relies upon the referrals and/or suggestions given by participants

who have already participated as research subjects and may be able to refer and

encourage the participation of others (Alase, 2017). Although some snowballing of

recruits occurred, they were ultimately not included in the research study due to a

sufficient number of participants that were already identified and included in the study.

Through communication with potential research participants, the researcher

created and utilized a database in order to track inquiries and stages of contact. This

database was stored locally in a password-protected document and uploaded to cloud

storage for redundancy that was also password protected with two-factor authentication.

Upon receiving an inquiry email from potential research participants, the researcher

replied by email (Appendix E) elaborating on the research study including inclusion

criteria. This email also contained a web-link to a Google Forms (Appendix F) page

where participants were able to input their demographic information. After it was

confirmed by the researcher that the potential participant met inclusion criteria, the

researcher sent them an informed consent form (Appendix G) for participation and

scheduled a time to conduct the primary interview.

Interview Process

The methodology of IPA encourages the researcher and research participants

towards a less rigid form of interview structure and rather an intentional process in which

the researcher at times broadly facilitates the discussion of topics relevant to the subject

of inquiry (Smith et al., 2009). To best support this process, the utilization of an interview

schedule is generally recommended to ensure a thoughtful arrangement of the questions

asked as well as a deeper consideration as to potentially sensitive issues for the research

participants (Miller et al., 2018; Smith et al., 2009).

In IPA, it is encouraged for researchers to plan for semi-structured interviews as

these are seen as not free-flowing conversations but rather conversations with a

purposeful aim (Smith et al., 2009). Planning can be constructed through an interview

schedule which allows the researcher to decide what questions to ask and in what order to

ask them. IPA views both the researcher and research participants to be active and, by

suggestion, collaborative participants in the process of research (Smith et al., 2009). The

interview may at times or more often for certain participants be led by the concerns that

arise from the participants themselves during the course of the interview.

Semi-structured interviews consisted of descriptive, narrative, structural and

contrast questions (Appendix G) meant to focus on the individuals’ understanding of the

experience as well as questions that explore the understanding of the phenomenon from a

framework of relational-cultural theory. These questions allowed for participants to freely

share their thoughts while being open to some level of researcher or participant-driven

variability for other contextual questions (Smith et al., 2009). As the primary

phenomenon is in leaving or having left Islam, the participants themselves were the

sources of data from which understanding and insight was gathered. The

interviewer/researcher served as the sole instrument of data collection.

The researcher conducted the interviews with the participants as participants

became available. Research was continued until data reached saturation through eight

participants which met the researcher’s aim for six to ten participants. Research was

conducted through hour-long one-on-one, semi-structured interviews conducted over

video-conferencing software. If the research participant and the researcher happened to

be located near each other at a given time, an in-person interview would have been

considered upon agreement from both parties, but this did not occur during the data

collection process. Interviews were semi-structured (Appendix H) allowing some

variability in tertiary questions asked based upon data collected. A follow-up interview

of thirty minutes in length (Appendix I) was conducted with research participants to

assess for accuracy of findings after the first interview had been transcribed and

analyzed. All participant interviews, transcriptions, and notes from the researcher were

securely stored.

Bracketing

In phenomenology, bracketing serves a critical function so that the experience of

the research participants remains the sole focus of the study (Creswell & Poth, 2018). By

engaging in bracketing, the researcher reflected upon any personal experiences with the

phenomenon and setting aside existing presumptions or beliefs that may have influenced

perceptions of the participants, the identified phenomenon and the participants’ stories

(Alase, 2017; Creswell & Poth, 2018). First, the researcher articulated any previous

experiences with the phenomenon and then intentionally worked towards an open-minded

attitude when constructing and conducting data collection procedures such as the

semistructured interview (Smith et al., 2009). Although this researcher has never

identified as Muslim, ex-Muslim or as an ex-Muslim woman, bracketing was still

necessary as he has worked in a professional context by counseling both Muslims and ex-

Muslims. In this way, the researcher practiced bracketing throughout research design,

data collection and analysis in articulating the history of those prior experiences to,

ultimately, ensure that those prior experiences did not compromise the participants’ ability

to state their own claims. In IPA, the significance of suspending or bracketing off one’s

preconceived notions is so that research participants were then be able to articulate their

stories and meaning-making of experience without interference or influence (Smith et al.,

2009). The researcher also engaged in bracketing throughout data analysis. In data

analysis, bracketing occurred by viewing each participant’s story as a unique dialogical

articulation of their experience and meaning-making of a significant life event. The

researcher accomplished this by bracketing off ideas or themes that emerge from one case

while working on the next (Smith et al., 2009). This process was repeated for each

analysis in order to provide a more uniform level of analysis. Journal notes were also kept

throughout this process tending to the researcher’s thoughts and beliefs regarding the

overall research analysis process. Bracketing is thus both an intentional and iterative

process in which the researcher worked to compartmentalize their personal experiences

with the given phenomenon—and, by suggestion, their assumptions towards those that

experience the phenomenon—so that research participants were the sole focus (Creswell

& Poth, 2017).

Data Analysis

Through tenets of IPA, the researcher attempted to understand the world of the

research participants and in developing an interpretative analysis of the phenomenon that

is being experienced (Larkin et al., 2006). In arriving at an interpretative analysis,

proponents of IPA do not advocate for a rigid adherence to manualized processes for

analysis but rather encourage researchers to consider recommendations and broad

guidelines that may inform their approach (Smith et al., 2009). For this research study, the

method for data analysis was an iterative process in which data was carefully analyzed

line-by-line, the researcher then collected and reflected upon his own notes which

attended to aspects of the participants’ affect and cadence, and experiential and or

divergent patterns or themes were identified within and across participants (Miller et al.,

2018; Smith et al., 2009). Additionally, a composite vignette of the research participants

was created in order to describe shared themes across cases. Records of data analysis, like

records of data collection, were secured stored.

Reading, Re-Reading & Initial Noting

The researcher first actively engaged with the data by reading and re-reading the

transcripts of the interviews. Additionally, reading the transcripts while listening to

recordings of the interviews allowed the researcher to make note of nuances in the

participants’ responses including their cadence and points of emphasis. Initial noting was

conducted which was an open process of exploring the content of the transcripts to

determine how participants talk about the phenomenon. Central to this process was in

focusing on the participants’ explicit meaning which may emerge.

Furthermore, noting was a process in which the researcher produced both

comprehensive and detailed commentary regarding participant data (Smith et al., 2009).

There was a phenomenological connection to noting in which the researcher analyzed and

conveyed what participants may have described as holding meaning for them such as

relationship, processes or values (Smith et al., 2009). Subsequently, for the current study,

this researcher engaged in a form of exploratory and analytical dialogue that examined

each line from the participant while reflecting upon what it meant to both the participant

and the researcher (Smith et al., 2009). The “exploratory” nature of noting also was an

iterative and active process for this researcher in which they recorded throughout data

analysis their reactions, thoughts and reflections towards the interview experience and

transcription of data (Pietkiewicz & Smith, 2014).

Exploratory noting, as part of IPA, was descriptive, linguistic and conceptual in

which the researcher further immersed themselves in the data of the participants to

understand their world. While descriptive comments were a focus upon the content and

subject matter of the data, linguistic comments were also made regarding the language,

audible utterances and tone of the research participants (Smith et al., 2009). Conceptual

comments acted as a deeper overview beyond the content that participants shared towards

an interpretative understanding of the experience (Smith et al., 2009).

Development and Grouping of Experiential Themes

After noting, this researcher transferred focus to analyze the exploratory

comments and develop experiential themes that distilled the participants’ statements

(Smith et al., 2009). In doing so, this researcher then was able to examine the experiences

of the participants while preserving the complexity, connections and patterns from the

data (Smith et al., 2009).

The themes that emerged from each participant contained a broader essence of

meaning for their experiences that also conveyed the researcher’s interpretation of that

meaning consistent with IPA’s methodology (Larkin et al., 2006; Smith et al., 2009). After

creating experiential themes from both the participants’ primary and memberchecking

interviews, each participant’s experiential themes were inputted into a document in

random order. From this list this researcher then identified connections and similarities

between the experiential themes within each participant. From there, grouping of themes

and sub-grouping within themes took shape, which attended to the researcher’s

interpretation of the participants’ meaning. The analytical process acted as a double

hermeneutic where the researcher sought to understand how the participants were

understanding the phenomenon (Smith, 2011). Grouped themes and subordinate themes

were named and organized through an iterative process that repeatedly examined the

connections between the participants’ experiential themes. Each participant’s grouped

experiential themes were then organized into Personal Experiential Themes (PETs) which

appear in Appendix N through Appendix U. The researcher analyzed each participant’s

experiences fully before commencing analysis of the following participant.

Identifying Connections Between Participants

The researcher’s aim through IPA was to discover the essence of meaning within

what is experienced by individuals supported by extracts from the participants. Points of

convergence and divergence were searched for across the PETs from the prior analysis

which generated the essences of meaning. This involved a mapping of how the researcher

conceptualized the experiential themes that were connected (Smith et al., 2009). In this

stage, this researcher identified connections and patterns between experiential themes

through the abstraction process and then clustered or grouped of themes that illustrated

the experiences (Smith et al., 2009). These Group Experiential Themes (GETs) developed

through inter-participant analysis in which potential connections across participants’

themes emerged (Miller et al., 2018). Developing these areas of convergence played a

crucial role in the quality of an IPA approach. Smith (2011) argues that the researcher

must demonstrate patterns that may be similar or different among participants. From these

groupings, part of the researcher’s interpretative endeavor is in organizing the

commonalities in how meaning-making was experienced and understood by participants.

A sample of a GET supported by excerpts from the participants is found in Appendix M.

Utilizing a research journal also assisted the researcher in recording and reflecting

upon their analytical processes (Smith et al., 2009). These observations regarding the

researcher’s thoughts pertained to all parts of the data analysis process including the

development of experiential themes, PETs and GETs. A sample of this research journal

can be found in Appendix W.

Trustworthiness

Throughout the research process, this researcher exercised a variety of measures

to ensure trustworthiness for the study. As qualitative methods have often received

criticism for perceived inadequacies in the value and integrity of its work, it was critical

for this researcher to deploy and document these measures (Yardley, 2000). Many of

these approaches sought to increase trustworthiness by tending to the integrity of data,

achieving a balance between reflexivity and subjectivity as well as demonstrating a clear

communication of findings (Williams & Morrow, 2009).

In establishing an integrity of data, this researcher worked to collect data from

individuals who meet criteria in sharing the experiencing of a particular phenomenon.

This also resulted in achieving a saturation point where data became redundant with no

new information gleaned from research participants (Williams & Morrow, 2009). This

integrity of data was also achieved through the participants’ own verification.

Two forms of verification were used by this researcher to create vignettes that

function as a profile overview of each research participants’ experiences as well as a

composite vignette to interpret the shared experiences of participants (Spalding &

Phillips, 2007). Such vignettes were seen as providing a “mediated account” of truth as it

was irrevocably linked to the role of the researcher in addition to the research participants

(Spalding & Phillips, 2007, p. 961). However, as Spalding & Phillips (2007) argue, the

researcher’s persistent transparency and emphasis to the reader about the potential

untrustworthiness of the research due to the interconnected nature of data, analysis,

participants and the researchers in effect added trustworthiness to the vignettes and

research itself. This researcher presented his findings not as inarguable and immutable

truths but rather an attempt at understanding which research participants were welcome to

confirm, question, or dispute.

Upon completion of the individual semi-structured interviews with participants,

each participant was invited to participate in a member checking interview (Appendix I)

in which the researcher shared his research findings and presented another opportunity for

data triangulation. Prior to the member-checking interview, the researcher provided each

participant with their profile overview as well as the composite vignette. This served to

give the participants time to read and reflect upon both vignettes. During the

memberchecking interviews, each participant was asked about the accuracy of the profile

overview as well as what, if anything, in the composite vignette was relatable to their

experiences in leaving Islam.

In clearly communicating the findings of qualitative research through both

vignettes, it was essential for the researcher to to state their findings and the significance

of said findings (Williams & Morrow, 2009). To achieve this, the researcher highlighted

that the research questions were demonstrably answered while also devoting space to the

relevance and, in the realm of psychotherapy-related research, clinical utility from which

the profession and other professionals may stand to benefit (Williams & Morrow, 2009).

Achieving a balance between the research participants’ words and the researcher’s

interpretation of meaning were also a core component of working towards

trustworthiness. It was here that the researcher’s ongoing attention to reflexivity and their

positionality was paramount in establishing trustworthiness. As Williams & Morrow

(2009) argue, this attention to reflexivity and position ultimately contributed to the

researcher’s efforts in collaboratively constructing meaning with research participants by

situating data within its various contexts.

Complementary to data triangulation, this researcher also utilized an independent

auditor to demonstrate through a “chain of evidence” a credible account of the specific

phenomenon (Smith et al., 2009, p. 179). By including an auditor, the interpretations

made by this researcher became more credible by working towards transparency in

documenting and sharing research findings with the auditor (Smith et al., 2009). By

checking in with the auditor, this researcher hoped to minimize potential bias and to

ensure that the researcher’s analysis was reflective of the participants’ stories.

Throughout the data analysis process, the researcher also kept a journal (Appendix

M) in which emotional reactions, reflections and notes about the iterative process of

analysis were recorded periodically. This journal also functioned as a reflexive document

in which the researcher thought critically about their own potential biases and reactions to

the study content.

In conducting IPA with the participants in the current research study, research

principles on trustworthiness likely played a critical role. By presenting research

participants with experiential themes, triangulation of data and the implementation of

member checking interviews, the researcher worked towards confirmation of their

findings. Additionally, as the researcher I continuously reflected upon reflexivity and

positionality as part of the on-going research process. This continuous reflection also

allowed the research’s primary aims to be thoroughly evaluated through consideration of

its clear communication to the reader of its findings and its ability to address the research

questions.

Summary

In this chapter, the research method for this study was described including the

rationale of the researcher in choosing IPA over other forms of qualitative inquiry. This

researcher described how they would serve as the primary instrument of data collection

and the process in which data would be collected and stored. Additionally, the process of

engaging in reflexivity and noting ethical considerations was detailed. The data analysis

process was described which included an iterative series of steps that determined themes

within and across participants. Finally, strategies for working towards trustworthiness

were shared which include the triangulation of data through participant artifacts,

memberchecking interviews, the use of an auditor and the presentation of composite

vignettes to participants.

CHAPTER THREE: DATA ANALYSIS

In this chapter, the researcher describes the findings of the study supported by the

participants’ own words. Each participant is profiled to provide context of their identities

and life experiences. Group experiential themes (GET) are introduced along with Table Y

which outlines each GET along with subordinate themes pertaining to various GETs. The

GETs are interpretations by the researcher of how each participant perceived and

experienced their own experiences in leaving Islam. Each GET and subordinate theme

attempts to capture the essence of experience for the participants and is evidenced by

excerpts from the participants’ interviews. Additionally, points of convergence and

divergence are highlighted throughout the analysis.

Participant Profiles

Amira

Amira is a 30-something-year-old Iranian woman. She was born into a Shia

Muslim family and she grew up in Iran while also attending university there. Amira never

strongly identified as Muslim and hid her apostasy from her family by pretending to

believe in Islam. During her upbringing, she felt restricted by the many prohibitions and

rules in place for women and girls.

After university, she moved to Turkey where she works as an educator. During

this time, Amira was able to leave Islam and not follow Islamic rules and practices that

were mandatory in Iran. This period was, for a time, difficult as Amira had to learn about

her own interests and likes such as choice of clothing and music which were restricted in

Iran.

Although she is not “out” to her family in Iran, Amira identifies as an ex-Muslim.

Amira is married and lives with her husband. Amira is careful about who she reveals that

she is ex-Muslim to. Amira does not currently identify as religious.

Maryam

Maryam is a 20-something-year-old Singaporean woman living in Singapore.

Maryam was born into a Muslim family where she was expected to follow Islam. In her

early teens, Maryam secretly would not practice Islam as she was opposed to various

religious rules and expectations in Islam including gender-based prohibitions for women

and girls. Maryam had to constantly pretend to believe in Islam and this caused her a

great amount of stress and unhappiness as well as arguments with others in her family. At

times, Maryam turned to Islam for answers and support during periods of intense sadness

but she found herself moving further away from Islam.

Maryam met and married her now husband, who is not Muslim. Her family

opposed this marriage because they wanted Maryam’s husband to convert to Islam and

for marriage to be a religious ceremony under Sharia law. In order to be married and

recognized under civil law in Singapore, Maryam officially renounced Islam. Maryam

revealed that she no longer believes in Islam which led to her parents cutting off contact.

Upon leaving Islam, Maryam feels that she feels much freer and happier.

Fatima

Fatima is a 20-something-year-old South Asian Canadian ex-Muslim woman

living in Canada. Fatima was born into a large Muslim family. Growing up, Fatima’s

parents placed her in an Islamic education school where she was required to study Islam

and read the Quran. Later, Fatima attended a Catholic secondary school where she

befriended students from various backgrounds. Then, while at university, Fatima began to

learn more about sexism, misogyny, and marginalized communities such as the LGBTQ+

community.

At university, Fatima witnessed transphobia from her Muslim South Asian friend

group which contrasted with her personal experiences meeting transgender students.

Fatima’s empathy towards her trans classmates developed in conjunction with learning

about feminism and women’s rights through her college courses. This caused Fatima to

develop a more questioning view towards Islam. Fatima tried to defend her religious

beliefs and turned towards Islam through prayer. As Fatima questioned her religious

beliefs, she experienced guilt and shame and found herself disconnected from Islam.

Fatima grieves the loss of her Muslim community and would like to have a sense of

belonging. Her parents do not know the extent to which Fatima has left Islam and she still

faces expectations to behave in certain ways as a woman. Fatima feels that she is able to

be more herself in the outside world than in her family of origin.

Jamila

Jamila is a 30-something-year-old South Asian American woman living in the

USA. She and her family immigrated to the USA when Jamila was a child. Jamila was

forced to read the Quran during her childhood. She was admonished for questioning

things written in the Quran and this caused her curiosity to increase.

Growing up, Jamila faced prohibitions on what she could do based on her gender.

What was allowed for Jamila was heavily constrained by her parents who feared and

catastrophized what they felt might happen if Jamila acted in a certain way. Jamila’s life

experiences with other young people including a gay friend clashed with the homophobic

messages she heard at home. Jamila attributed these prohibitions as elements of

patriarchy and sexism in her culture. There was pressure from her family to behave and

live her life in a way that obeyed her parents and Allah. The prohibitions on what she and

her sister could do caused a great deal of distress for Jamila causing her to consider

fleeing the home. During university, Jamila studied concepts including feminism and

sociology which provided a new language for which to understand her experience and to

question Islam. Jamila is married to an ex-Muslim man who she considers to be a crucial

support during her journey of leaving Islam.

Nadia

Nadia is a late teenager to 20-something-year-old, British Pakistani woman living

in the United Kingdom. She was born into a Muslim family where she was forced to read

the Quran, wear a hijab and pray regularly. Nadia recalled not feeling a connection to

Islam but having to comply with Islamic rules because expressing a dissenting opinion

was dangerous to do in her family.

Rules around things like wearing a hijab caused conflict in the family and Nadia

cites this conflict as causing a significant negative impact on her mental health. Nadia

experienced depression, PTSD, and an eating disorder from traumatic events in her life

relating to Islam.

At the age of 14 she knew that she no longer identified as Muslim but did not tell

anyone out of fear for her safety. At the age of 17 she fled her home due to the toxic and

abusive treatment she was getting. She informed her parents that she is no longer Muslim

and has not had contact with her parents since she left. Although she still worries about

how she is judged by others, Nadia feels that leaving Islam allowed her to have freedom

in her life where she is able to make choices on her own.

Sara

Sara is a 20-something-year-old Indian ex-Muslim woman living in India and

working as an instructor at a university. Sara was born into a Muslim family and went to

religious schools during her childhood. Sara questioned parts of Islam but was told by her

parents to have faith in Islam.

In her teen years, Sara felt herself withdrawing from Islam and describes having a

crisis of faith largely due to how women and girls are treated in Islam. Sara’s parents,

believing that Sara had deviated from the religion, had tried to send her to a religious

school for women. Encouragement by Sara’s family to turn to scripture further caused

Sara to distance herself from Islam.

As Muslims were the minority where Sara and her family lived, there was

pressure for Sara to have a sense of unity with Muslims. Leaving Islam has been difficult

for Sara as the local Muslim community is often necessary for different forms of support.

While Sara’s mother knows of her apostasy, Sara is not openly an ex-Muslim due to fear

for her safety. Although Sara found a community of ex-Muslims online, she feels isolated

in her community and alienated due to society’s treatment towards ex-Muslims.

Huda

Huda is a 20-something-year-old Bangladeshi ex-Muslim woman living and

studying in Canada. Huda was born into a Muslim family where Islam was practiced by

everyone. Huda began to identify less with Islam due to the ways in which women and

girls were treated differently.

While growing up, Huda’s family forced her to practice Islam by doing things

such as studying the Quran and wearing a hijab. Because Huda’s family was abusive to

her, Huda pretended to believe in Islam and hid her apostasy as a way to stay safe.

Leaving Islam was a gradual process for Huda in which she questioned Islam’s

ideologies. Huda learned of ex-Muslims online which provided her with a measure of

comfort and support. Huda felt that she could not be free while living in Bangladesh.

Huda overcame the objections from her family and immigrated to Canada to pursue her

studies.

Huda no longer has contact with her family after her exit from Islam and marriage

to a non-Bengali non-Muslim person. Huda identifies as an atheist ex-Muslim and

continues to deal with the trauma of childhood abuse.

Zoya

Zoya is a 20-something-year-old Lebanese Australian ex-Muslim woman living in

Australia. Zoya was born into a Muslim family where men were the dominating force in

controlling the lives of the women and girls. From an early age, Zoya was told what she

could and couldn’t do with the threat of hell used as a way to control her behavior and

thinking. This has impacted Zoya’s thinking in the ways in which she obsessively thought

about God, notions of right and wrong and her own actions.

Over time, Zoya experienced increasing doubt and questioning towards Islam as it

conflicted with her personal beliefs and interests. An experience with psychedelics

compelled Zoya to address the doubt and questioning that she had been experiencing. In

her late teen years, Zoya found support and affirmation of her beliefs in an ex-Muslim

who shared his story online. Although Zoya has found support and community with

exMuslims in online spaces, her experience leaving Islam has been isolating due to the

persistent criticism and dismissal from Muslims and non-Muslims.

Zoya experienced and continues to experience conflict with members of her

family due to her leaving Islam and her sexuality. Zoya’s mother responds to both by

denying Zoya’s sexual identity and exit from Islam. Zoya is fearful for her safety being

ex-Muslim and this has impacted her thinking and life. Zoya feels that leaving Islam has

allowed her to be free from guilt for how she chooses to live her life.

Group Experiential Themes

The approach to data analysis outlined by Smith et al. (2009) was utilized by this

researcher in analyzing the eight research participants’ interview recordings and

transcripts. Additionally, insights for data analysis by Miller et al. (2018), Pietkiewicz &

Smith (2014), Larkin et al. (2006), Alase (2017) and Spalding (2007) served to

supplement the approach by Smith et al. (2009). Over the course of data analysis, four

group experiential themes (GET) were developed with twelve subordinate themes across

three group experiential themes represented in figure X. In figure X, the participants to

which each theme and subordinate theme applies to is indicated by the first letter of the

participant’s code name and the percentage of participants for each theme is indicated

numerically. As Smith et al. (2009) argue, the number of individuals a given theme

applies to does not necessarily indicate its significance but does allow for insight into the

frequency in which certain themes are present across a range of individuals’ experiences

of a phenomenon.

Each theme and themes with subordinate themes represents an interpretative

process of analysis conducted across participant cases. Themes with subordinate themes

are organized in such a way that further indicates interpretation by this researcher of the

participants’ experiences and thinking regarding leaving Islam. Themes are supported by

the excerpts from the participants’ own statements in figure Y.

Table Y Participant Representation in Group Experiential Themes

Theme and Subordinate Theme % of cases Associated cases

How Islam is experienced 100% A, M, F, J, N, S, H, Z

Experience and understanding of questioning 50% F, M, H, Z

Islam

- Turning to Islam during questioning

50% M, F, N, S

- Curated realities discourage questioning

75% A, M, J, N, S, H

The outside world and secular education as 37.5% F, J, H

influential sources of knowledge -

Discovery of the ex-Muslim community

100%

A, M, F, J, N, S, H, Z

as a significant experience

- Deprecation of the outside world by

others

50% F, S, H, Z

The experience of leaving Islam 62.5% F, H, N, S, Z

- Pretending religiosity as survival in exit 75% A, M, F, N, S, H

- Exit as a distressing experience due to

relational loss

75% M, F, J, N, H, Z

- Exit as a distressing experience due to

mental strain

50% A, M, F, S, H, Z

- Exit as unburdening and relieving 75% A, M, J, S, Z

- Exit as ongoing 87.5% A, M, J, S, H, Z

- Exit as done 25% J, Z

- Exit as the reconstruction of the self 75% A, J, S, H, Z

How Islam is Experienced

As inquiry into how ex-Muslim women experience and understand leaving Islam

inherently focuses upon the phenomenon of religious exit, the first GET provides a broad

exploration of the participants’ beliefs and life experiences with what they would exit

from—Islam. In doing so, this GET contextualizes the participants’ range of experiences

and thoughts regarding leaving Islam within the cultural and relational networks that they

were born into as all eight participants were born into Muslim families that practiced

Islam. For each participant, how they experienced Islam was also inextricably linked to

the social construct of their gendered identities as women and the ways in which gender

roles are practiced and enforced in Islam. Of significance for the participants was an

interconnected nature to the ways in which they experienced Islam and how religiously

informed practices were present in their Muslim families as well as their ethnic and

national communities. Although the participants come from different ethnic, cultural,

national identities and, to some degree, religious backgrounds (as there are sects within

Islam itself), their experiences with Islam highlighted the interconnection of religion and

culture—social norms and community.

However, for some participants, they had often been on the receiving end of

deflecting messages that sought to attribute and castigate culture—and not Islam—for

what practices and beliefs were espoused. Zoya expressed her frustration at this common

exchange and also spoke to the messages that she believed had emerged from Islam: So I

saw a lot of [men abusing women] growing up and you know people all the time, you

know, told me culture, culture—it’s culture. But, you know, it’s not like—I don’t think it’s

culture telling these people that, you know, that women are weak they will stray they will

let you lead a man to sin that kind of thing. Fatima had similarly received such

admonishments from others but held onto her belief that culture and religion—in her

case, Islam—did have a great deal of influence on each other.

For all participants, notions of power and control over women and girls featured

prominently in their experiences with Islam. These experiences took shape in social

prohibitions affecting the personal sphere (such as what they could wear outside the home

and where they could go) and also the interpersonal (such as who they could associate

and spend time with). In Amira’s case, control over what she wore began at an early age

and was a requirement for other women and girls. As Amira described, such strict

enforcement resulted in the expectation of total compliance:

With the girls at least in my city that I grew up with, like I had to wear hijab since

I was six. When I turned six, I had to wear it…or I was not allowed to go out of

the house. Then when you turn seven you go to school and at school you have to

wear hijab as well so it just becomes a completely natural thing. When you go out

of the house you wear the hijab and that’s what all women do—you never start to

question it. You just never question it, that’s how it is. And even if you don’t

know how it is, people explain it to you with saying ‘that’s how you behave’ and

you accept it because you’re a child and that part of your brain probably hasn’t

developed yet. You just take it.

Huda’s experiences with Islam extended into the ways in which freedom and choice were

diminished for the women in her family. For Huda, these were gendered family dynamics

that resulted in distinct role delineations between men and women:

There was basically very little freedom in terms of decision making. Like my

mom was a housewife and even though they--women were able to get jobs like

women--people in my extended families did work. They weren’t the decision

makers or even an equal partner in decision making of the household it would just

be like the man is the decision maker and I feel like that was very much rooted in

Islam, too. Just, you know, the difference just the standards that men are held to

like men can have four wives and women can’t. Like those things really really

bothered me (laughs).

For some participants, these experiences of Islam had profound impacts on their

autonomy and sense of freedom through the pervasive ways in which their lives were

controlled. In Nadia’s case, she was prohibited from traveling alone, to date or to go out

with friends. This sense of control was similarly present for Jamila during her youth

where her movements and associations were restricted:

Constantly I felt like that and in ways of like ‘No, you can’t go out right now,’

‘You can’t hang out with your friends,’ ‘Why don’t you have any Muslim

friends?’ ‘Don’t hang out with non-Muslims,’ they’re, you know, like all the vile

stuff hearing it over time.

Jamila attributed this desire for control to both her family and Islam and reflected upon

the number of things that were forbidden for her and other women and girls. How

Islam is experienced also posed a deeper existential impact on the ways in which

participants thought about themselves and their self-worth. Maryam described one such

example in regards to practices of inheritance in Islam:

Women get half what men get [with] inheritance which I think is really, really

messed up because (sighs) it’s not like as if I want to inherit anything but like it makes

you feel like you’re somehow worth half of a man in that way. For Sara, there was a

similar reflection of her own value that emerged from comments made and actions

taken by her father that seemed to be informed by Islam. While Sara’s brothers had their

own private spaces in their home, Sara’s literal and figurative presence was seen as

transitory—an impermanence to be addressed only by her future husband.

Sara described this experience in connection with Islam and cultural values: That’s

how the religion or that’s how, you know, the instillation of values is I

suppose, and it was very strange to me that my father would think that I was

destined to be someone else’s property at a young age.

Experience and Understanding of Questioning Islam

Prior to their leaving of Islam, four participants engaged in questioning of the

religion itself. For Huda, this questioning was a clear process in which she challenged the

very basis of Islam as truth and by asking why she should “blindly” have faith in it.

However, this experience didn’t always occur as an intentional process for each

participant where they were aware of their questioning. As for others, questioning was

understood as a distressing feeling that initially caused a fervent resistance to its

exploration. For Zoya, this questioning occurred in a subtle manner at first:

[Questioning] was very, it was very below the surface. Like it was there, it was

there. But I was, I was for the longest time, not like not acknowledging it. I didn’t want

to acknowledge it. I didn’t want to think about it. I didn’t, it was just very like it would

come up and I would desperately kind of bury it, essentially. This questioning of Islam

was also a process for Zoya in that she was seemingly and indirectly questioning it by

contemplating how her beliefs and the tenets she found in Islam were irreconcilable:

I wasn’t quite there yet but like I was I was questioning like why kind of I wasn’t

questioning Islam itself I was questioning like how how why didn’t align with my

beliefs and what what I could do with do about that because that was that was my

biggest struggle.

The “there” for Zoya is a point of questioning that indicates a sense of openness that one

is then aware of. As her questioning developed, Zoya’s distress also increased as she

struggled to integrate Islamic beliefs with her own. For Zoya, Islam was no longer

“making sense.”

In a similar manner, Islam failing to “make sense” was experienced by Fatima as

her questioning emerged when the religiously-informed values she found at home and in

her community were in conflict with her own experiences and relationships with

nonMuslims and, in particular, members of the LGBTQ community while a student in

university:

I wondered why growing up in the [Islamic] school my whole life where it was

important to be kind and nice to people and treat everyone equally why I wasn’t

exposed or they didn’t talk about things like this. You know why was it so

hidden? Why is it so taboo?

The questioning, then, took issue with the ways in which Islamic beliefs had seemingly

vilified or dismissed communities such as the LGBTQ from the purview of ex-Muslims

such as Fatima.

Turning to Islam During Questioning

For four participants, their experiences during questioning of their belief in Islam

also contained moments in which they turned to Islam. In reflecting upon her upbringing,

Maryam remarked on challenging moments in which she, taking the advice of others,

looked to Islam in hopes that doing so would reaffirm her religious belief. Sara similarly

heard such words of encouragement specifically from her family that also came with a

qualifying remark aimed to differentiate Islam from the actions of some of its believers:

“It stressed me out a lot and the elders in the family always encouraged me to read the

scriptures and to have faith and it was just some people who were bad and not the religion

itself.” Additionally, this turning to Islam served as a way in which Maryam could

envision a path back to “still [being] happy” and having a place within her family.

For Fatima, the stakes were even higher. More than her family, she felt that

turning to Islam during questioning was a means of trying to “go backwards.” In doing

so, Fatima would be able to retreat to a place of familiarity that had constructed her

world: “I tried to do what I could to defend my entire reality growing up because that’s all

I knew—that’s all I had surrounded myself with.” Unlike Maryam and Fatima, however,

Nadia and Sara’s experiences in questioning also served a specific function in assessing

their spiritual or mental connection to Islam. In Nadia’s case, attempting to pray left her

without feeling a connection to Islam while for Sara, reading the Quran reaffirmed her

aversion to its tenets despite her family’s hopes that it would have achieved the opposite

effect: “But ultimately it was reading the Quran that drove me away (laughs) from the

religion because going back to the original text there was no denying the fact the kind of

toxic landmine it is.”

Curated Realities Discourage Questioning

The experience of questioning for six participants was also interpersonal in nature

where the family, community and cultural systems that they were born into actively

worked to discourage the act of questioning. For Maryam and Huda, the prohibition on

questioning and much less criticizing Islam was clear as something that was not allowed

in front of her family due to their negative reactions. As each of their families and

extended families were Muslim, the family unit became a “reality that was curated,” as

Huda described, which silenced questioning of Islam. For Amira, this squelching

extended beyond the family through the community where it was implicitly known:

the community that I grew up with, even when I was a kid, I was completely clear

on that that I cannot question these things. So I had my own beliefs, I like I

wouldn’t do some religious rituals or this or that but I never openly questioned

things because no one has to tell you—you just know that you just don’t talk

about it, you don’t say it.

This curated reality achieved through the repression of questioning occurred in

relational contexts for the participants in that their experiences spoke to the ways in

which questioning often emerges from the individual (sometimes through exposure to

other non-Muslim worlds) and then is collectively pushed back or stalled by the family

and religious community. Jamila’s questioning started from discrepancies between what

she had learned in school and what seemed to be missing in the Quran. In response, her

mother’s dismissal attempted to partition all necessary knowledge as being contained

within the Quran: “[my mother] said ‘stop asking questions. Whatever is in the Quran is it

—you don’t need to think or ask beyond that.’” This was a sentiment echoed by Nadia in

which her questioning of gender inequalities in Islam was shut down and where she was

told to accept what was written in the Quran. Like Jamila and Nadia, Sara’s repression of

questioning occurred through her parents although her initial questions were directed

towards religious leaders in her community:

my parents were called in [by the imams and mullahs and told] that this is not the

kind of, you know, radical statements that they should have to ask—that, that they

should have to deal with. And I was told by my parents from very, very young

age, 4-5 years old, that even if I had some doubts or wanted to ask something, I

should just have faith that whatever Allah has, you know, said in the scripture or

through his messenger, that is for our benefit or the benefit of our community. So

I should just have faith that it’s going to work out.

The Outside World and Secular Education as Valuable Sources of Knowledge

For three participants, the outside world and secular education were experienced

as important places of knowledge that informed their leaving of Islam. In Fatima’s

experience, the “outside world” was the university she attended which became a

backdrop where her questioning of Islam and thinking about her Muslim identity

occurred. Being exposed to a greater diversity of individuals caused Fatima to reflect that

“not everything is as straightforward as I thought.” Similarly, Jamila also found her

education outside of Islam during university to be pivotal to her questioning as it

provided a counter to the increase in conservative Islamic sentiment within her

community post 9-11. Through courses in the social sciences, Jamila’s questioning took

on a new form:

But at the same time [as taking classes on religion] I was taking sociology and

feminism classes, which those three things coming head-to-head is where I really

started to question religion and the role of women in religion and really started to

look at it from this very objective feminist lens of going, well, this doesn’t make

sense. We’re talking about gender inequality here, and like an example of that is

representation in a government and like leaders for example, of a company. But

then when I look at representation in Islam, and I look at all the prophets are men,

all the kalifs are men, all the imams are men, I’m like that doesn’t make sense.

Like, why can’t a woman be an imam?

In Huda’s experience, the outside world also existed through the internet which, like

Jamila, had also led to learning about feminism. For Huda, the world outside of her

Muslim family allowed her to connect with others on topics that would normally not be

discussed in her community.

Discovery of the Ex-Muslim Community as a Significant Experience

Each participant cited the discovery of the ex-Muslim community as a significant

part of their leaving experiences. Like the outside world and secular forms of education,

learning of the ex-Muslim community represented a unique relational movement towards

connection for the participants who had felt alienated and dismissed from Islam and their

Muslim communities.

For the participants, coming across the ex-Muslim community was a realization

and confirmation of the possibilities for their construction of identity and renouncement

of religious beliefs. That ex-Muslims were gathered across a variety of platforms and

regional groups demonstrated to the participants that such a community existed and that

the act of leaving Islam and becoming an ex-Muslim was, in fact, possible and something

that others had done. A commonality on how the participants discovered the ex-Muslim

community and the content that they engaged with centered around ex-Muslim stories of

why they chose to leave Islam and how they had done so. As Fatima described,

I think stories are really important for people like us like I think we turn to to um

these kinds of platforms to hear about the experiences that are similar to ours or

you know? How did it turn out for this person who went through the same thing?

How did it turn out differently?

The social platforms that the participants spent time on such as Reddit, Instagram and

YouTube also presented a possibility of interaction through story dissemination and

public discourse using pseudonymous usernames. By engaging with others, the

participants had been able to receive support from a sizeable community of ex-Muslims

whose existence became a welcome surprise.

Subsequently, Sara, Huda and Zoya each described a profound impact finding the

ex-Muslim community had on their religious exit as they learned of similar stories from

other ex-Muslims that ultimately led the participants to feel that their thoughts and

feelings were valid and even reasonable. For Sara, learning of other ex-Muslims provided

valuable support despite their shrouded identities:

It wasn’t until I found ex-Muslims on Facebook and on Instagram I secretly

started reading some posts and tweets by others that I realized that there really is a

community of people who think and feel that way and even if they’re hiding

under the shadows that they are there and I think that gave me a lot of courage

and self-assurance most importantly that (laughs) I’m not crazy.

Similarly, Huda described this reassuring aspect of hearing other ex-Muslims stories: I

think just having the knowledge that, you know, there’s something like I’m not

the only person that is thinking like this, that have thoughts like this and what I’m

thinking does actually make logical rational sense, um, really kind of helped and

comforted me most times of isolation.

For Zoya, popular ex-Muslims such as Apostate Prophet who had published content

through his YouTube channel were a source of moral support and validation. The

ex-Muslim community, then, had effectively become a powerful counter to the isolation

experienced by the participants. Nadia, who found ex-Muslims through social media,

reflected on her leaving of Islam and her Muslim family in describing that “[the ex-

Muslim community] made me feel less alone in this.” This sentiment was echoed by

Jamila, Sara, Fatima, Huda and Amira who each expressed appreciation for the support

they received from the ex-Muslim community.

For Maryam, however, discovery of the ex-Muslim community also contributed to

a process of self-confrontation in which she was forced to assess the realities of religious

exit for many ex-Muslims:

When you find these communities you realize that they face basically all the

things that you probably didn’t want to face. So literally 90% of the stories that I

read online are all the same as I’m experiencing now where the family cuts you

off.

In hearing ex-Muslim stories, Maryam experienced pause as she faced the gravity of

leaving Islam with the likely outcomes of family cut-off and loss of relationships: “I think

like hearing all those experiences also kind of like makes you like, need to think about

like is it really worth it, doing it?”

Deprecation of the Outside World by Others

For four of the participants, they experienced the demonization of the outside

world from their families and Muslim communities. This outside world for some was the

internet, secular education, and Western media while for others blame was laid at notions

of modernity and liberal values. As Sara described, Western influence and university

education she had received were blamed for attempting to “brainwash” her thinking. For

Fatima, the implication made by those in her community were even more damning.

Beyond the West, modern society and liberalism had been seen as the tandem culprits

when questioning Islam emerged:

whenever there were questions asked that were maybe going against what I was

told to believe it was automatically blaming modern society and saying, well, you

know, this stuff has all come up now and these are such leftist liberal ideologies

and, you know, they’re trying to corrupt.

The conclusion made for the participants was that certain ideologies, institutions

and modernity as a whole were seen as incompatible with Islam as they challenged

everything from Islamic tenets to gender norms practiced in Muslim families. The impact

of this was severe as the participants’ relationships with their families suffered and the

participants were seen negatively. In this way, Huda described how her family was and

still is convinced that she had effectively been “ruined” by the diversity of information

available through the internet.

The impact of these deprecating remarks by the participants’ families and

communities was that they had become, to some degree, internalized causing Zoya to

question her own thinking:

You’re convinced that the problem is with you and your upbringing and you know

it’s-it’s the West and it’s the media’s influence so it’s like such a really deep

indoctrination so every single time you do have a questioning thought, you’re like

‘oh the devil’s in my brain’ or ‘the West’ or ‘I’m being influenced by all these

outside forces.’

The Experience of Leaving Islam

As little is known about how ex-Muslim women experience and think about

leaving Islam, each of the participants spoke to the ways in which they experienced and

conceptualized their own leaving. For the majority of participants, leaving Islam occurred

as a process as opposed to a sudden exit precipitated by a single event. For Amira, Huda

and Sara, this process was both gradual and slow in that leaving Islam happened over the

course of sometimes several years. In Amira and Huda’s case, this process involved how

they struggled to reconcile Islamic beliefs with their own sense of reason. As Huda

described,

I think slowly I just began to realize like this is not really making any sense this

just it’s just very contradictory all the stuff like it pretends to be oh it’s good, it’s

gonna give you freedom and then it does the complete opposite so it just was very

gradual process.

Similarly for Amira, leaving was conceptualized in terms of how she had thoughts of

questioning and a desire to exit. Initially what existed as “a thought in the back of [her]

head” then became an encompassing push towards exit and away from pretending

religiosity:

I was thinking about different parts of religion, different teachings things like that

and I was trying to figure them out. At some point I remember I was thinking ok I

was part of that movement of this is not the real Islam. But the evidence is just

overwhelming so you cannot pretend for long. You can pretend which is what

they do. You can pretend for some time until like the evidence is so overwhelming

is so much that you just cannot pretend.

This sentiment of disbelief reaching a tipping point was echoed by Nadia whose leaving

of Islam coincided with her literal exit from her family and her home. In Nadia’s case,

exit was a years-long process in which secret deidentification preceded leaving:

I always knew I wasn’t Muslim since I was around 14 and I never told anyone

[sic] cos I was scared but when I was 17, I left home, the households was so toxic and

abusive. I knew I just had to leave, I couldn’t cope anymore so I left. For Sara, Fatima

and Zoya, leaving was similarly a process across a specific period of time marked by a

number of contributing factors that compelled their exit. During that time period of

leaving Islam, sharing with others that they were in the middle of a process was not

something that occurred to Zoya. On the contrary, Zoya did not inform others about what

she was experiencing due to the fact that it was, for her, an involved process that would

draw the ire of others.

Pretending Religiosity as Survival in Exit

As the participants were each born into Islam through Muslim families that

disapproved of questioning and forbade apostasy, many of the participants engaged in

pretending religiosity in Islam to survive. In this way, how the participants outwardly

engaged in Islamic practices was a conscious choice and served an essential function to

mitigate oppression—or the ways in which they were harmed and could be further

harmed—within their families, communities and states.

For Fatima, pretending religiosity meant going with her family to attend religious

services and to engage in prayer. This was, as she would describe, “being a Muslim

performatively” in which she was not able to refuse her family’s wishes and gave the

outward appearance of belief in Islam. This notion of pretending out of fear or concern

for the family’s response was also echoed by Huda who recalled her motivations: I just

didn’t want [the abuse by my family] to get worse, that’s why I kind of like started to

like pretend basically that I was like Muslim and I would just go along with whatever

and I just had to make sure like I don’t slip up anything, and not like you know going

out to do basically anything, I was just like going to school and coming back home, that

was my life.

Nadia revealed a similar function that pretending served when it came to her family as

she believed that doing so was necessary for her own safety: “I cannot trust anyone in my

family because I am scared of them and I couldn't express my opinions because I always

get reacted negatively.”

In Amira’s case, pretended religiosity was an engrained part of her existence

which she became adept at doing:

My biggest, I guess, accomplishment in life has always been acting. So you have

to act you have to have a certain kind of face that you show to your family

because they cannot know who you really are…so you gotta like pretend with

them.

For Amira, this pretending encompassed the interpersonal world of experience living in

Iran. That is, she could not show her true beliefs, opinions and self to others and instead

had to contort her identity to not arouse suspicion. In this way, Amira’s pretending was

both deeply intrapersonal and interpersonal in that her thinking about herself was

influenced by extreme caution towards the risk of being revealed by others:

So there’s this thing in Iranian society. It’s one of the similarities that I found with

a lot of communist societies, actually, is that anyone can be a spy. Anyone can tell

on you so if you have a boyfriend let’s say, you never say this to anyone, not your

friends, best friend, family—no one. You hide it completely because it can come

back and harm you. So I was always just hiding different pieces of myself. And

you have to remember how one this person is religious so you have to hide the

haram stuff. That person is like more traditional so you have to hide the other kind

of stuff. That one is cool but she doesn’t like you smoking so you have to pretend

you don’t smoke, that person is ok, but somehow has problem with having a

boyfriend so you don’t tell them you have a boyfriend, or you tell this person you

have a boyfriend they’re fine with it but you shouldn’t even be holding hands, so

it’s everything is just spiritual connection. You do that so much and so long that it

becomes second habit. You always try to consciously please others. Do you want

to see me like this? I will give you what you want.

The cost of pretending was expressed by Maryam as she reflected upon

pretending religiosity while living with her family. In Maryam’s case, pretending felt like

an act of lying which in turn weighed heavily upon her. After she was able to leave her

family, Maryam’s relief from distress came in large part due to not needing to pretend

around others.

The weight of pretending is also something that Sara described in that contact

with her local Muslim community, which she at times could not avoid, caused mental

strain while she secretly recoiled away from Islam:

It’s been such such cognitive dissonance I suffer from a lot of times. Because I

have to behave and seek help from the sort of people who disgust me with the

kinds of minds that they carry and I know that they are just helping me on the

assumption that I’m a good Muslima.

Exit as a Distressing Experience Due to Relational Loss

For the majority of participants, leaving Islam was a distressing process in that

they experienced changes to their roles within their families, how they were perceived

and the loss or distancing of relationships through alienation, familial rupture and cut-off.

Participants that were “out” to their families and communities were more likely to

experience outcomes such as cut-off. While some participants chose to leave their

families and/or countries as part of their exit journeys, families often responded with

disownment due to the participants’ loss of faith. Participants that had left Islam but were

not fully “out” to their families were less likely to experience cut-off and instead face

diminished relationships and alienation from their communities.

For Nadia, Huda and Maryam, leaving Islam also involved the literal act of

breaking away from their families and, in some cases, moving to a different country.

Although Maryam had mentally left Islam prior to her physical exit from her family, she

eventually told her parents about her decision to leave which also involved her marriage

to a non-Muslim in a civil ceremony rather than an Islamic one. The reaction from her

parents was of rejection and shock:

I went to meet them in a public space because I was scared, and yeah, I just kind

of told them that I renounced and they really weren’t very happy. My dad said that

I’m not his daughter anymore and my mom basically can’t understand it at

all.

Similarly, in Huda’s case, her father voiced his disownment both with her loss of faith and

her marriage to a non-Muslim. Huda’s father then would forbid Huda from returning to

her home country:

I don’t talk to my dad anymore because of [my leaving Islam] like he completely

stopped and he mentioned like...if...‘don’t come back to like Bangladesh and at

least when I’m alive’ you know stuff like that he said stuff like that.

With that came, for Huda, the devastation of essentially losing her home country and her

community:

[what had] affected me the most in my experience was just like the loss of you

know community, the loss of, you know, being able to live in my own country

safely if that makes sense. Like I don’t think anyone could really understand how

big of an impact that makes on someone especially like if you had done it as a

child as a minor that makes it way more harder than if you did it as an adult.

For Maryam, the loss of relationships also occurred with her close friends.

Despite lengthy friendships, Maryam’s apostasy and the outwardly visible event of her

civil ceremony marriage to a non-Muslim led to her being ignored by those she felt

closest to:

I was really sad because I was the bridesmaid for all their weddings and they

didn’t even wish me congratulations for mine because I guess they couldn’t really

accept it or something which I think was really really messed up because yeah,

yeah, we’ve been friends since we were 14.

For others that were not “out” as ex-Muslims, their secret exits did not result in

cut-off or disownment but rather with familial role change, distancing, and the

diminishment of relationships. Although Amira was not “out” to her family, since

relocating to a different country, the way in which she was perceived by family had

changed: “I’m just not the good girl anymore and I don’t care to show [myself] like that. I

don’t care to be in contact with people who just I have to pretend in front of them too

hard.” In Jamila’s case, her connections to her family and community weren’t completely

severed but had eroded from a greater attention to asserting boundaries that found her and

her husband avoiding Islamic holidays and traditions:

I don’t talk to my extended family as much. I don’t really get into the Muslim

community here even locally. I don’t get involved in any Muslim events. I don’t

celebrate any of the Muslim holidays. If we are visiting family we will obviously

take part in like I don’t if it’s Eid we’ll take part in like the Eid dinner and stuff

but my husband and I over this time have gotten a little more like just saying a

little more like deeper with our boundaries of when praying starts in a family

environment we walk out.

Although the distancing that Jamila had described was intentional and a way in which she

has left Islam, she described the emotional toll of these relational disconnections:

We have one life to live why would we sit here and live in that like sort of agony,

and yes there is obviously that deep rooted like sadness and isolation that we do

feel at times where you know we’re not part of some conversation or we’re not

invited to an event and that’s like at the end of the day we’re like OK whatever

it’s fine (laughs).

In Fatima’s case, her relational losses were equally as complex. While her siblings

were aware of her apostasy, her parents were not. Fatima’s siblings desired for her to

return to Islam but would go on to still accept her although they were concerned about

what they believed would be eternal punishment for non-believers in hell:

My siblings, yes they know my identity but they don’t share the same kinds of

views right? They still are Muslim they accept me for who I am. They still love me, but I

think if were up to them, they would prefer I was Muslim you know and live like that way

because then it protects me from a very harsh afterlife. Despite her siblings’ acceptance,

however, the broader relational impacts to Fatima due to her leaving Islam caused

significant changes in how she experiences her family through emotional isolation and

relational disconnection. That is, as Fatima cannot be out to her parents and as she

depends upon the discretion of her siblings, she described feeling “suffocated” at home as

her relationships, particularly with her parents, are unable to feature the part of her

identity concerning her loss of faith: “Sometimes I feel like the outside world is my safe

space and then coming home, I have to be someone different and hide myself.” For

Fatima’s future, the relational impacts are likely to have further separation as a

consequence for leaving Islam has been that Fatima feels a need to “live

[her] life a bit separately [from her family].”

In a similar way, the experiences of Zoya echoed Fatima’ sentiments of isolation

and disconnection within her family. Zoya noticed how her criticisms towards and leaving

of Islam had badly impacted her relationship with her family and, in particular, her

mother. In reflecting upon the relational impact, Zoya described the experience of her

leaving Islam as something that is unable to be discussed in her family and even in her

own counseling with her mental health counselor:

I can’t talk to my therapist about this. I can’t talk about these issues. I can’t talk

about how Islam has really hurt the relationship between me and my mom, even

for like even- even-even for the last few years even before living with her, it’s

hurt our relationship like I can’t. I can’t talk to [my mom] about it. It doesn’t—

[my family doesn’t] understand and I don’t think they even want to understand

(sighs).

Exit as a Distressing Experience Due to Emotional Strain

For six participants, leaving Islam was and in some cases continues to be a

distressing experience that takes a mental and emotional toll. These experiences were

distinct but not wholly unrelated to the ways in which the participants had suffered

distress due to relational conflicts as a part of religious exit. That is, while the emotional

strain was intrapersonal in nature, the ways in which participants struggled with notions

of guilt, loss and uncertainty were also related to the relationships they had with Islam,

their communities and themselves.

In Amira’s case, leaving Islam occurred over a long period of time including the

many years in which she was not able to leave her home country. Although Amira

questioned whether she truly ever identified as a Muslim, she felt the emotional impact of

living in an unyieldingly strict Islamic society as she bode her time until a literal exit to

match her religious exit became possible. In the early stages of her leaving Islam while

still being physically stuck, Amira described the emotional toll as one of pervasive guilt:

“So you always kind of live with the guilt like I’m a bad person, I’m definitely going to

hell.” For Amira, she experienced a prolonged emotional and mental strain of

concealment that functioned solely so that she could manage:

But when I was [living in Iran], I didn’t even notice that I was depressed because I

was holding myself so tight there was no space for any emotion that could break

me. I just did not have the space for that. I didn’t have the space to think about my

life or, I don’t know, my parents’ decisions in their life even maybe never to feel

bad about yourself. You need to hold on, can’t break down. You need to keep

going to survive.

In a similar way, Fatima and Zoya both described a difficult internal battle during

the leaving process. For Fatima, pretending religiosity while secretly knowing that she

did not believe in Islam led her to feeling that she was being in all ways dishonest.

Although this was “uncomfortable” for Fatima, she found some consolation in that outing

herself to her family by refusing to engage in religious practices would have been

demonstrably worse. In describing the mental distress that had emerged from the

impossibility in reconciling her values with those in Islam, Zoya reflected on the

consequences of this fundamental misalignment:

My biggest struggle wasn’t that I was actually disbelieving like maybe it was that

I was like so, so (laughs) distraught over how how something can just not align

with my values in any way and how how the hell I’m supposed to follow

something follow a lifestyle that just feels like I’m being suffocated essentially. For

Sara, the emotional distress of leaving was related to the loss of religious practices and

the uncertainty around the loss of faith. Unlike Fatima, letting go of religious practices

such as prayer was devastating which Sara experienced during the early parts of leaving

Islam. This devastation was compounded by the secrecy of her exit in that during her

suffering, Sara could tell no one:

When I started to withdraw from it, the initial days, I couldn’t find anything to

pray to. I couldn’t find anything. It was a really—it was very sad. I felt so pathetic

and it was because I couldn’t also I couldn’t tell anyone what I was feeling. On

the outside I had to keep up the semblance of normal day to day life. I had to do

household chores, talk to my parents, but on the inside, it was like the world was

falling apart and I didn’t know where I stood. I didn’t belong anywhere. The

simple act of not being able to pray it bothered me a lot for many, many weeks—

probably months.

As her leaving of Islam progressed, what Sara then was forced to wrestle with were the

seismic implications of her loss of faith. That is, away from Islam, Sara was left without a

sense of connection to a higher power and to a community with which she could identify

with. In leaving, Sara had felt alone:

when it finally set inside me that maybe such an entity it wasn’t there at all and

um, it was very lonely...I didn’t have a rulebook anymore—a guidebook on how

to behave or how to go about my life. So, yeah, maybe that’s how it felt like being

in a vacuum, just emptiness. I couldn’t figure out where I stood, where I

belonged.

For Maryam and Huda, whose leaving journeys had also involved physical separation

from their families, the nature of exit was one which had an ongoing impact of mental

distress. In Maryam’s case, after being disowned by her father, she found herself filled

with anger when thinking about him and the ways in which her family had tried to stop

her non-Islamic wedding to a non-Muslim:

As of today I do not speak to my family. My dad has tried to reach out a few time

sometimes sending nice messages sometimes sending not so nice messages. But

all I feel every time is angry. Angry that they tried to ruin the wedding, and I just

can’t let go of that anger. And I know that they will never apologize because they

think that what they did was right.

In Huda’s case, the passing of time after her physical exit had allowed her to recognize

and seek help for the ways in which she continued to be affected by the abuse she

experienced:

when I moved here, two year in, and I finally like kind of start to realize ok well

I’m not actually doing good mental health wise, you know. Everything’s kind of

feeling really bad and stuff like that. And that’s when I started therapy and I kind

of started to understand more like how big that really impacted me which I when I

got diagnosed with PTSD.

Exit as Unburdening and Relieving

Although leaving Islam was, for most participants, a distressing process, exit was

also experienced and thought of as an immense relief. That is, by leaving Islam, the

participants felt unburdened by guilt and the prohibitions in Islam which then allowed the

participants to more authentically connect with their emotions, others, and various

pursuits.

Amira, Maryam, Jamila, Zoya and Sara expressed leaving Islam as being akin to a

heavy weight being lifted off of their shoulders. For Amira, the unburdening came with a

gain in freedom in that she could now make decisions for herself and think of what she

truly wanted. Similarly, Maryam remarked how she had felt both freer and happier as a

result of leaving. In Jamila’s words, what exit had brought was a “liberation from control

and fear.” The participants were now allowed to live in a way that had previously been

verboten to them in Islam and their Muslim communities. As Amira described, “[you]

don’t have to get into the whole thing, the whole idea of like religion or what does the

book say, what does this book or that book or whatever book says. And you get to be

yourself. Finally.” In Jamila’s case, this unburdening also granted her the mental space to

think about other societal issues that she felt strongly about including climate change and

human rights. For Zoya, a sense of unburdening occurred after watching a video from an

ex-Muslim YouTuber called the Masked Arab. Zoya recalled how in that moment, her

distress was alleviated: “I remember as I was watching it, like this relief flooded over me

(laughs) it was just like this calm like my whole state just switched.” Living life as an

exMuslim had also been a freeing experience for Zoya that had opened up possibilities in

her life. When asked what it meant for her to leave Islam as a woman, Zoya responded:

It means I don’t have to get married. It means I can pursue relationships I want to pursue,

means I can work on my writing without like—feel guilt. I can do my artworks, I can go

out clubbing, I can have fun, like I can be satisfied—I can be

happy, I can go traveling without a man, I can actually do things. Like I can be

myself.

For Sara, the ways in which she thought and felt in relation to others was a

significant part of the unburdening experience. That is, prior to exit, Sara had long known

that her desire to be an empathetic person to others (including non-Muslims) was in

opposition to her community’s broader directives of being a “good servant” in Islam: “I

just always felt so much guilty for not being able to for not being allowed to feel empathy

for somebody just because they did not, you know, they were not born as Muslim.”

Reflecting upon that conflict, Sara described how in Islam

It’s a kind of not a mandate I would say. It doesn’t recommend it for Muslims to

be friends with non-Muslims. We aren’t supposed to pray for the non-Muslims.

It’s supposed to be within the community—your prayers, your donations,

economic transactions—so that it benefits others from the same faith. So it’s very

like it tries to exclude other communities, other beliefs from penetrating at all.

You’re not supposed to mingle with them at all. It's not considered haram but it is

very much looked down upon.

In this way, maintaining belief in Islam had effectively restricted what Sara felt was

permissible in regards to her emotions in relation to others. Upon leaving Islam, however,

she had felt that the enormity of those restrictions had been erased:

And after I let go of this sad, I just I felt so free. It was like a stone or a rock that

had settled in the pit of my stomach had lifted—it was very liberating, it was like

the world is all for my taking I could do whatever I wanted. I didn’t have to worry

about dating a guy I liked. I didn’t have to worry about being friends with

someone from a different community.

Exit as Ongoing

For six participants, leaving Islam was an ongoing phenomenon with no sense of

finality. Religious exit was not a linear before-and-after experience where participants

had reached a state of completion but rather one in which leaving was recurring—events,

interactions, thoughts and feelings leading to an ever-changing concept of leaving and

what it means to have left.

In Amira’s case, she could not imagine a state of being “done” in leaving Islam.

For her, this was a fleeting possibility due to what those in the Muslim community may

consider to be the immutability of Muslim identity. That is, for Amira, encountering

others (particularly Muslims), creates a relational dynamic in which the broad Muslim

community may assume religiosity and then be incredulous at an ex-Muslim’s disbelief.

Subsequently, finality is, for Amira, an impossibility due to the relational pull from others

that may seek to somehow refute one’s changed identity:

There are Muslims everywhere which the second they may hear your name or

they may realize that you were born Muslim it strikes up conversation or they

expect you to support them or their cause or be on their side and things like that.

Even if you tell them openly that it is not something you believe in still like there

is an argument there is a discussion and I don’t think you ever done with that.

That’s not something that you can completely leave behind. You may want to but

it’s not that easy.

For Maryam, the relational influence on a potential finality to leaving centered around her

family of origin. Despite Maryam’s father’s disowning her upon learning of her identity,

Maryam still had (and wishes to have) contact with her siblings who are Muslim.

Maintaining connections with religious family members meant at times needing to

observe certain Islamic traditions which Maryam experienced and understood as evidence

of not being “done” with Islam.

The implication there was that relational connections and, by suggestion, the

communities one is embedded in have an enormous influence on whether leaving is

possible. The question of finality in leaving was explored by Sara who speculated that

reaching such a state might only be possible after moving out of a Muslim country:

[Leaving is] kind of very secretive in nature so I-I wonder if it’s really possible to be

completely ex-Muslim in that sense unless you’re actually living maybe some western

nation which is predominantly Christian or secular in nature but I don’t think otherwise

it’s 100% possible.

There was, for Sara, a commonality in not being “done” with Islam and not being

“completely ex-Muslim” due to the restrictions and pressures that might be in place

within a Muslim community.

For Jamila, Huda and Zoya, leaving also did not have a sense of finality. Upon

being presented with the Composite Vignette (Appendix L), each remarked upon a

particular passage that resonated with them: “Sometimes it feels like I’ve left. Sometimes

it feels like I’m still leaving.” In Jamila’s words, leaving was ongoing in that “you

continue to unlearn, you continue to, like, unbox these that have been in your brain for so

long that you never knew that they’re just literally, deeply embedded into your brain

forfor years.” In Huda’s case, she attributed the ongoing nature of exit as tied to the ways

in which she continues to feel fear: “even now I’m still kind of like scared of expressing

myself and like, you know, just like even talking about it openly because of the backlash

that, you know?” Fear then had not been a transitory feeling for the participants but rather

one of permanence impacting not only their thoughts but also the ways in which they

engage with the world. For Zoya, the manifestation of this fear emerges when she thinks

of how she can keep herself safe in her local community. Despite her wishes to fully

“leave” Islam, she attributed, like Huda, the potential dangers from others who believe

that ex-Muslims have committed a sin by leaving Islam and are thus deserving of

punishment:

Even though I’ve left it’s still a lot of things I do for my safety, still. Like I still

have to do things for my safety and for my future and for myself, which is really

annoying because you think if you’ve left something you wanna leave all of that

behind but you just can’t because they are there, they are obsessed with what

you’re doing.

Exit as Done

Although the majority of participants felt that leaving Islam was an ongoing

process, two participants spoke to how, at times, there was also a sense of finality in

leaving—that they had in some ways left. Jamila described leaving Islam as dual process

in which she is still leaving but has also left: “It’s like you leave and you leave all these

things behind, maybe even people, country, whatever that looks like.” However, this

sense of finality was tempered by what she described as leaving Islam being similar to an

experiencing of grief which the individual lives with. For Jamila, this conceptualization

of both continuity and finality could be seen in the ways in which she had personally

changed which became noticeable to others: “I’ve had a lot of years to think through my

entire life, my identity, my experiences so much of it that I’m absolutely not the same

person anymore.” Yet at the same time, Jamila reflected on the ways in which she had

remained the same—parts of herself that had been constant throughout her experience of

leaving.

In Zoya’s case, her sense of finality also occupied a space of exit as ongoing.

While she felt that she had left and that the experience was “done,” she offered a sobering

assessment that identified what remained for her: “It’s just done but I feel like I haven’t

worked through all of like the fears yet.”

Exit as a Reconstruction of the Self

For five participants, their leaving of Islam also involved a reconstruction of their

self-identities. This reconstruction took place due to the ways in which the participants’

selfhood had been initially informed by being born into Islam and Muslim families.

However, the experience of religious exit and identifying as ex-Muslim had then

compelled the participants to notice the ways in which they actively sought to rebuild

their identities. In this way, it was both an intentional and inevitable process as their

previous identities as Muslim women had centered around Islam. For each participant,

the ways in which they rebuilt their concepts of selfhood involved a notion of intentional

choosing.

In Amira’s case, the experience of rebuilding her identity was all-encompassing.

That is, after she had left Iran (and, effectively, Islam), everything ranging from what she

shared with others to what she wore became an exercise in constructing parts of her identity:

I was in kind of a good place I was safe I didn’t have to pretend anymore so I

wanted to stop pretending but I didn’t know how I really was so then how do I show?

What do I say? Like what kind of hairstyle do I like? I don’t know, I never had the chance

to choose, right? What kind of clothes do I like? Well I never chose my clothes, I was

never allowed to choose what I was wearing, right? Similarly, for Zoya her choices took

place in her personal interests and associations with others. As an ex-Muslim, she felt like

she could create artwork without having to constantly second guess whether her actions

were appropriate under Islam and if her mother would state that they were the

machinations of “demonic forces.” For Zoya, she also found that changes to her identity

also related to the ways in which she found herself becoming more open-minded after

leaving Islam. This shift resulted in a less judgmental attitudes towards others and a

broadening of her social circle:

I am less since leaving I am less what’s the word, judgmental--quite more open

minded to a lot of things which is good. And a lot of different people and I am able to

engage with different people and talk to different people without getting offended and

being sensitive. I can have different friends. I can have male friends. For Huda, this

process involved an exploration of her spiritual and religious beliefs. Prior to leaving

Islam, Huda describing not having the mental space to consider this aspect of her identity

outside of Islam but in leaving, she was able to reflect upon the ways in which belief had

been indoctrinated. Subsequently, reconstructing her selfidentity involved a process in

which she aligned as agnostic and then as an atheist.

Similarly for Jamila, when belief in Islam no longer occupied such space in her

thoughts and identity, she found herself no longer excessively thinking about everything

that was a sin in Islam and what she felt was a preoccupation with death. Instead, what

had then opened up for Jamila was an identity that involved how she wanted to impact

change:

Letting go of all that [thinking about sin and death] I now have the capability and

the ability to go what makes sense to me? What do I want to make even if I can

make an ounce of change in this world how do I want to do that?”

This process of constructing a new self-identity, however, was and is not easy for

the participants. As Sara described, part of this difficulty has been that with leaving

Islam, she felt as if she was exiting into the void—a space in which she was alone: And

by letting go I don’t really mean that I have to be a part of it as such. But whenever the

time comes again, if I try to stand in a vacuum, nobody is standing with me. There is

nobody I can turn to so, you know being on myself trying to make up a selfhood which

was free from Islam it has been so difficult--much more difficult than I had assumed.

Conclusion

During the course of this research study, eight participants were interviewed to

learn about how they each experienced and thought of leaving Islam. By analyzing each

participant’s story, four group experiential themes (GET) emerged from the data: 1) how

Islam is experienced, 2) the experience of questioning Islam, 3) the outside world and

secular education as valuable sources of knowledge and 4) the experience of leaving

Islam. The first three GETs contribute to a more nuanced understanding of how the fourth

GET, the experience of leaving Islam, was experienced and understood by the

participants. Within three of the four GETs, several subordinate themes emerged,

particularly with the experience of leaving, were developed. The four GETs are presented

along with brief backgrounds of each participant to add context to the participants’

experiences.

CHAPTER FOUR: DISCUSSION

In this chapter, the researcher provides an interpretation of the findings within the

context of the research questions, the existing literature along with the epistemological

foundation and conceptual framework that informed data analysis. This interpretation

aims to make sense of how the participants experienced and understood the phenomenon

of leaving Islam. Finally, the researcher concludes the research study by describing

limitations to the study as well as recommendations for research in the future.

Interpretation of Findings

For this research study, constructivism, serving as the epistemological foundation,

and relational-cultural theory, serving as the conceptual framework, informed data

analysis. During this process, the interpretation of research findings yielded four group

experiential themes (GET) and several subordinate themes (ST) which illustrated how

exMuslim women experienced and understood leaving Islam. The development of these

GETs and STs was, consistent with IPA methods, an iterative and interpretative endeavor

in which the researcher dynamically engaged with the data in order to make meaning of

how the participants made meaning of their experiences by arriving at an essence of the

phenomenon (Moustakas, 1994; Smith et al., 2009). In doing so, the researcher’s goal

was to arrive at an accurate description of experience supported by the participants’ own

words.

How Islam is Experienced

The first GET pertained to how the participants experienced Islam. Most

participants described how they were born into Islam and immediately indoctrinated into

religious practices and cultural traditions that had been proscribed by Islam, family

members and religious leaders in their communities. How the participants experienced

the wide impact of Islam was supported by existing literature which detailed how Islam is

often practiced in the home (Haddad et al., 2011) and felt in every part of life (Ali,

Milstein & Marzuk, 2005; Hamdan, 2007). In contrasting Islamic practices in Muslim

families with American culture, Haque (2007) describes Islam as not only a guiding

religion but an overarching presence in the lives of Muslims:

Islam is not a religion in the narrow sense of the term but a way of life. It

prescribes behaviors in all areas of life including family relationships (where

member roles as well as gender roles are defined, e.g., children must obey parents

except when parents go against religion), upbringing of children (parental role is

crucial and there is emphasis on education and discipline), socialization (clear

rules are laid down and free mixing of the sexes is prohibited), dietary issues

(alcohol, pork and their by-products are strictly prohibited, which makes grocery

shopping difficult—a devout Muslim must read the ingredients of all products to

ensure compliance with dietary prohibitions), and monetary practices (poor-due is

compulsory and interest is prohibited). (p. 52)

A central component of this, then, was the ways in which notions of gender play a role in

how Islam is experienced for women and men. Although research on ex-Muslims’

motivations is not extensive, the existing literature confirms the participants’ experiences

with Islam and, in particular, the motivations for leaving (Khalil & Bilici, 2007). In

research on Muslim Americans, Haddad et al. (2011), Haque (2004), and Ibrahim &

Dykeman (2011) describe prohibitions on male-female interactions, double-standards

between genders and how patriarchal parental systems create the family dynamics which

inform the ways in which power and control are exercised within Muslim communities.

Such gender-based prohibitions and double-standards were often cited by the research

participants as being central to their experiences of Islam as women that influenced their

leaving.

Furthermore, these dynamics and beliefs centered around power and control were

found in other literature that illustrates the ways in which Muslim daughters’ physical

freedom and movements were restricted in Islam and enacted by Muslim families.

Muslim parents, in fear that their daughters’ “sexual purity” may be endangered by the

outside world, attempt to then control and limit their daughters’ exposure to others—

particularly men (Falah & Nagel, 2005, p. 190; Ibrahim & Dykeman, 2011)—and

discourage contact with non-Muslims (Haddad et al., 2011). The dynamics of parents

maintaining power and control over their daughters also extends to the belief that girls

and women must be “prepared for their roles as wives and mothers from birth” (Falah &

Nagel, 2005, p. 190). This echoed the sentiment mentioned by some participants in that

their upbringing and personal lives were heavily restricted with prohibitions on behavior,

movement, and engagement with others. Additionally, the controlled nature of their lives

combined with the belief that daughters must be prepared as prospects for marriage is

consistent with what some participants reported as a feeling of being “someone else’s

property.”

For several participants, they were often told that their negative experiences in

their Muslim families and communities and what they found objectionable with Islamic

tenets (vis-à-vis the Quran) were the manifestations of culture or bad individuals rather

than Islam. This is an argument that is also noted particularly from researchers who have

studied Muslims Americans. As Cook-Masaud and Wiggins (2011) argued, “most

contemporary Islamic scholars claim that patriarchal and misogynist interpretations of the

Quran are cultural reflections rather than accurate representations of the intent of [Islamic

texts]” (p. 249). Hamdan (2007), describing the challenges that counselors may encounter

when working with a population as diverse as Muslims, contends that there may be

“confusion in terms of distinguishing religious variables from other cultural aspects” (p.

93).

How the participants experienced Islam gives insight into the ways in which the

participants’ identities as women functioned within the dichotomy of target and agent

statuses. Emerging from RCT, target and agent statuses describe the ways in which

individuals are impacted by power and privilege (or the lack thereof) rendering them

either the status as a target or agent (Hammer et al., 2016). The participants, who were

each born into Islam through their Muslim families, described how their target status was

similarly something that was not chosen but rather inherited and enforced where their

gendered identities were the basis from which their lives were controlled. Within RCT,

those with target status are “systematically maintained in situations that keep their

choices and movement restricted and limited” and in this way, the participants’

experiences with Islam echoes this sentiment where their literal and figurative mobility is

restrained and their behaviors policed (Hammer et al., 2016)

Experience and Understanding of Questioning Islam

For the half of the participants, they experienced a process in which they inwardly

and, sometimes, outwardly questioned Islam. This process occurred over a period of time

in which the participants came to terms with the fact that they were questioning Islam as

they sought to reconcile their beliefs with Islamic tenets. Questioning was then an act in

which the participants aimed to make sense of their own beliefs, the communities they

were exposed to and the religious teachings they had learned. Although there has been

scant inquiry on how Muslims and ex-Muslims experience and understand the

questioning of Islam, existing literature on how individuals from other groups (or

generalized samples of the population) have questioned other religions provides parallel

examples which support this research study’s findings. Ellison and Lee’s (2010)

described a link between spiritual struggles and the experiencing of psychological distress

which echoes how some participants felt that the process of questioning Islam was

similarly distressing. In research on ex-Mormons who left the Jesus Christ Church of

Latter-day Saints, what participants experienced was similarly a process with an

“increasing dissonance between what they had been taught about truth, and what they

experienced with Mormon social contexts” (Ormsbee, 2020, p. 9). This discrepancy

between notions of truth and what they came to believe through relationships with others

was echoed by ex-Muslim participants who described a similar dissonance in that they

were finding themselves questioning the basis of truth itself. Similar to the participants

who struggled to integrate their beliefs with Islam, some ex-Mormons detailed the ways

in which they attempted to reconcile this discrepancy by dismissing or delaying their

doubts (Ormsbee, 2020).

Turning to Islam During Questioning

During their experiences in leaving Islam, four of the participants found

themselves turning to Islam and their religious communities. For some participants, this

was initiated at the prompting of family members who wanted the participants to reaffirm

their belief in Islam while for others they had done so on their own accord in an attempt

to bring peace and continuity to their own lives. By moving towards Islam during a

spiritually tumultuous time, the participants were effectively also trying to confirm

whether they felt any deep religious connection to Islam. Although there is little literature

on ex-Muslim women turning to Islam during periods of questioning, research on cultural

considerations with Muslim clients in the world of mental health counseling provides

insight into the ways in which its believers (and doubters) turn to Islam during times of

distress. The literature in this field draws an appropriate parallel as, at this point in their

journeys, the questioning that the participants went through signaled a point of potential

—but not guaranteed—change.

In illustrating how belief in Islam can be incorporated into counseling, Hamdan

(2008) presents a series of “beneficial cognitions from the Islamic faith” that merge

cognitive-based approaches with Islamic principles (p. 104). In one such cognition,

Hamdan (2008) offers that individuals can turn towards the “Remembrance of Allah and

reading of the Holy Book [which] can have a calming effect on the individual’s body,

mind and soul.” Here Hamdan (2008) posits that the “illnesses of the heart result from

either desires or doubt, and the remembrance of Allah and recitation of Qur’an can be a

cure for both” (p. 108). The assertion that believers can find salvation from distress is

echoed by Haque (2004) who describes how in Islam, mental health (and more so,

wellness) can be achieved through the presence of external and internal virtues. These

virtues, such as adhering to Islamic rules of dress and practice of reasoning through

religious scripture, are then necessary ingredients that, when combined with submission

to God, prevent individuals from experiencing conflict (Haque, 2004). Questioning within

Islam, then, was something that is seen as a means to an eventual reaffirmation of faith

where mental health becomes the byproduct of adherence.

In one notable study on ex-Muslims, Vliek (2019) explored how an ex-Muslim

woman in the Netherlands constructed a selfhood during her process of leaving Islam. For

this participant, the act of questioning religion was thought of as “a part of showing her

devotion and love for God’s work” but then became mired in worry that her internal

questioning was, instead, the voice of the devil (p. 100). As the participant’s doubts grew,

she was unable to reconcile adherence to Islam with her own beliefs and subsequently

disidentified as Muslim (Vliek, 2019).

In broader research on the experiences of leaving religion for other groups, the

idea of individuals turning towards their religion during questioning and doubt is also

supported. In particular, these individuals may do so by speaking with religious leaders in

their communities (Nica, 2020). As Davidman and Greil (2007) speculated in a study of

ex-Ultra-Orthodox Jews, one participant’s early outward questioning of Ultra-Orthodox

Judaism at the age of nine was “perhaps hoping to get answers that would satisfy her and

help her stay in the community, thus avoiding the anomie and homeless a radical

departure would cause” (p. 208). An essence of experience in questioning Judaism is

then, similarly for the ex-Muslim women participants, part of an initial desire that on

some level hoped to avoid religious exit. Such literature supports the comments made by

Maryam, Fatima, Sara and Nadia who spoke to the ways in which they initially attempted

to reaffirm belief in Islam to secure a world that they felt was increasingly distant.

Curated Realities Discourage Questioning

For five participants, their immediate families and communities worked to

carefully construct am Islam-dominated reality in which questioning or criticism of the

faith was verboten. This reality worked in part through the spoken and unspoken norms in

the family and community which made the expression of any questioning a taboo. There

was also a perpetual focus on Islamic principles and knowledge as obtained from the

Quran. The norms that were enforced and how knowledge was developed often came

from religious leaders in the participants’ communities. In the absence of available

literature on ex-Muslim women’s curated realities that discourage questioning, parallel

interpretations from the experiences of individuals in other religious groups can be drawn.

These findings across other religions demonstrate a similar phenomenon in which

individuals within a religious community often are faced with a crafted and cultivated

reality that intentionally works to dismiss or, at least, dissuade questioning of the religion.

For Ultra-Orthodox Jews who leave Judaism, questioning, like the ex-Muslim women of

this study, was met with derision, discouragement and dismissal (Berger, 2015; Davidman

& Greil, 2007). As Davidman and Greil (2007) argued, this experience illustrated the

maintenance of a “closed social system and tightly woven worldview” in which Ultra-

Orthodox Jews were socialized into adhering to (p. 208) which supports the claims of the

ex-Muslim women participants who similarly experienced insular communities that

sought to block outside influence. Davidman and Greil (2015) further expanded into the

experiences of forty ex-Ultra-Orthodox Jews in the United States through a narrative

exploration where, for some individuals, the encouragement to question interpretations of

scripture was met by sharp dismissal from others and accusations of being a “heretic” (p.

44). Similar to ex-Ultra-Orthodox Jews, some former members of the Jesus Christ Church

of Latter-day Saints also reported condemnation of questioning and characterizations of

seeking answers as machinations of the devil (Ormsbee, 2020). In a broader study of

religious exit that included individuals from a variety of faiths (although predominantly

they identified as former Christians), some participants described the ways in which they

were castigated for outward questioning of their religions (LeCount, 2017). This

literature, although pertaining to different religious groups, supports the assertions made

by the participants in which their day-to-day lives were highly controlled and their

attempts at questioning were upbraided.

For the participants, the experience of how questioning was dismissed occurred

similarly within a relational context. That is, the way in which questioning was able to

occur was fundamentally impacted by the family and community which also served to

reinforce the beliefs that are put forth as acceptable while squelching the voices of those

that would raise questions. In this way, the phenomenon that is experienced is one of

stifling and oppressing of ex-Muslim women who may question their belief in Islam.

Although oppression can be seen through the highest institutional levels as Amira faced

with the broader community, they also are “enacted in the context of interpersonal

relationships” (Birrell & Freyd, 2006, p. 52) as Jamila faced with her mother, Sara and

Nadia faced with their parents and Maryam, Huda, and Amira faced with their families

and communities.

The Outside World and Secular Education as Valuable Sources of Knowledge

For the participants whose worlds were restricted by their families and

communities, they found ideological solace in the secular (or in some cases simply

nonMuslim) world often represented by non-Islamic educational institutions. This was

simultaneously an exposure to a greater diversity of individuals that their faith

communities had dismissed or denigrated but also to ideas and beliefs which played an

important role in how the participants continued to question their faith in Islam. That

these participants would cite the outside world, science and higher education as valuable,

meaningful and new sources of knowledge during their experiences in leaving Islam is

supported by literature on religious exit in studies that sought to conduct broad surveys in

the United States (LeCount, 2017; Nica, 2020; Smith, 2010). Although these studies did

not solely focus on ex-Muslim women, parallels can be drawn as the majority of research

participants identified as atheist similar to this study in which the majority of participants

also identify as atheist upon leaving Islam. For several participants, their questioning of

Islam became pronounced while in higher education and this phenomenon was similarly

founds across the literature regarding religious exit (LeCount, 2017). Smith’s (2011)

study on atheists in Colorado confirmed how for most participants they began to go

through a significant amount of doubt after leaving home to attend university.

In particular, existing literature speaks to the pivotal role that attending university

plays in an individual’s religious exit. For several of the participants of this study, their

time spent on campus and in classes allowed them to learn about feminist theory and meet

other individuals outside of the community which then shaped their exit by exposing

them to radically new values (as with feminism) and opinions (from others). That

feminism would be such an important concept for some participants is also supported by

literature pertaining to the experiences of ex-Ultra-Orthodox Jews (Davidman & Greil,

2007). Perhaps unsurprisingly, learning about feminism similarly meant to the ex-Muslim

women participants of this study what it had for some ex-UltraOrthodox Jewish women

who now had “a language with which to express revolutionary ideas concerning women’s

freedom of choice” (Davidman & Greil, 2007, p. 210).

For the participants it was then both the content and setting in which they would

engage with non-Muslim secular ideas. What these sources of knowledge shared was

their secularity—ideas and approaches devoid of religious tenets and instead anchored in

science and non-religious theory that provided a figurative footing from which the

participants could feel grounded in. This phenomenon is also supported in parallel

literature of ex-Mormons who may work to fill the loss of religious beliefs by engaging

with scientific content pertaining to human cognition and biological evolution (Brooks,

2019).

Discovery of the Ex-Muslim Community as Significant Experience

Each of the participants spoke on how finding the ex-Muslim community was an

important part of their experience in leaving Islam. For the participants, essential to this

was that finding and connecting with ex-Muslims occurred distinctly in online “new

media” spaces (Smith & Cimino, 2012) such as YouTube, Twitter (now rebranded as

“X”), Instagram and Reddit which could largely circumvent a participant’s travel

restrictions and avoid the danger that public gatherings as apostates would bring from

their communities. These platforms of new media have been argued to be, for those with

a secularist identity, “a domain in which knowledge of the social world and the social

world itself is actively shaped” (Smith & Cimino, 2012, p. 20).

Online spaces utilized as recourse given the danger that apostates face globally is

supported in literature regarding online atheism communication and activism in countries

such as Indonesia where blasphemy is prohibited by law (Schäfer, 2016). These spaces

also offer a wealth of information and opportunities for communication in which the

participants could freely engage in (Schäfer, 2016). The identification of other exMuslims

around the world with whom the participants could relate to, hear from and build

community with served as a stark contrast to the dismissal, abuse, and isolation that they

often experienced in their homes and communities. As several participants spoke to,

simply learning the existence of other ex-Muslims was a form of validation and support

that carried with it a message of their thoughts and beliefs being, perhaps, reasonable. In

this way, online spaces serve a dual purpose for the participants which is echoed by

Schäfer’s (2016) study of Indonesian atheists whose formation of identities online

allowed for the exchanging of ideas but also in affirming their own existence.

Some participants spoke specifically to the influence that ex-Muslims on YouTube

had on their leaving of Islam. YouTube, unlike Reddit or Twitter, has been historically

known as (among other things) a platform in which anyone could upload personal short

and long-form video content (including intensely personal video diaries called “vlogs” or

“video blogs”) on any number of topics for free. For ex-Muslims, the platform became

popular and useful in its ability to broadcast their stories, promote discussion and build

community with other ex-Muslims and those sympathetic to exMuslims around a topic

that may otherwise be forbidden in many states and communities.

The development of a video blogging community is what Lange (2007) describes as a

“crucial means of expressing and understanding issues that the video blogger wishes to

share” (p. 2). The function of this form of new media is supported in literature on

secularist identity formation through online spaces in which individuals can create “new

forms of virtual association and new forums for outreach based around both ‘political

issues’ concerned with inclusion and the separation of church and state, as well as

‘cultural issues’ concerned with identities, norms and alternative values” (Smith &

Cimino, 2012, p. 25). For the participants, what was represented on sites like YouTube

was, perhaps for the first time, an exposure to seeing how others had left Islam. Online,

the ex-Muslim community could find commonality across broad categories of identity in

their shared departure from Islam. In this way, YouTube is, as Burgess and Green (2009)

argues, “a potential site of cosmopolitan cultural citizenship – a space in which

individuals can represent their identities and perspectives, engage with the

selfrepresentations of others, and encounter cultural difference” (p. 81). For the

participants, sites like YouTube had become the platform in which they could see

representations of their changing identities and build social connections with others.

Within their families and communities, the participants had largely felt disconnected and

alone but online they were many.

The significance of the participants finding a new community speaks to the social

needs of apostates throughout their leaving journeys. The importance of a secular

community is supported in parallel literature in which for former Evangelical Christians,

finding “congruent associations” with whom to engage in social outings was an essential

component of replacing the previous community and to lessen the emotional fallout from

leaving (Fazzino, 2014).

The process in which the participants had moved through these connections and

disconnections is, as Comstock et al. (2008) describe, often transformative in nature

where individuals experience enhanced connection with new parties after prior

disconnections and distressing relationships. By discovering and engaging with the broad

ex-Muslim community online, the participants experienced a form of relational and

ideological refuge that served to welcome their stories and validate their experiences in

leaving a religion they could no longer accept and a community that would not tolerate

them.

Deprecation of the Outside World by Others

For half of the participants, their upbringing and leaving of Islam was impacted

by their families and communities who would denigrate and demonize the outside

nonMuslim world. These efforts sought to both castigate notions of the West, secular

education, modern society, and the internet as incompatible with Islam which then

blamed these mediums, systems and institutions for the participants’ perceived bad

behavior, problematic thoughts, or doubt. By portraying the non-Muslim world as wholly

corrupt and nefarious, families (who often were the ones condemning the outside world)

had, in essence, attempted to ward off what they believed was foreign interference in

order to reinforce their own group messaging.

The experiences of the participants are supported in some literature where Muslim

American mothers sought to provide their children with content aligned with Islam due to

the perceived harm that American television could have (Haddad et al., 2011). In

literature across other religious groups, a dynamic resembling the experiences of the

participants emerges. Regarding the experiences of a similarly insular community such as

Ultra-Orthodox Jews, Ultra-Orthodox Jews are “commanded to avoid all the potentially

polluting aspects of the larger, mostly secular society and to avoid situations (such as

entering public or university libraries) in which they might be introduced to new,

competing worldviews” (Davidman, 2014, p. 10).

For ex-Mormons who leave the Jesus Christ Church of Latter-day Saints, they

also found that the church asserted a delineation between Mormons and non-Mormons

(and, by extension, the non-Mormon world) which left the participants recalling how they

previously looked down upon non-Mormons (Ormsbee, 2020).

For many participants the refrain they had long heard was about how the Western

non-Muslim world was corrupt and should be avoided. These attitudes promulgated by

the participants’ families and communities also carried with it messaging that denounced

questioning and apostasy. That the participants’ families would harbor such hostility

towards apostates is supported in literature regarding the beliefs of believers across

religions towards those who leave said religions (Kanol & Michalowski, 2022).

The Experience of Leaving Islam

The ways in which the participants conceptualized leaving Islam represented a

gradual process as opposed to a singular moment in time. Increasing stages of awareness

and possibility left some participants making sense of their leaving as something that

happened slowly and in a non-linear fashion while for others their leaving was also

impacted by their ability to physically distance from their families. The participants often

engaged mentally with thoughts of leaving for periods of time rather than a sudden loss of

faith punctuated by a quick exit from Islam.

That leaving would be a gradual (and oftentimes lengthy) process is supported in

literature regarding exit from other religions (Adam, 2009; Smith, 2011). Just as

becoming indoctrinated into a religion like Islam or Christianity may take a period of

time, existing research signals how exit is a gradual process in leaving other faiths as well

(LeCount, 2017). Further supported by the literature are how individuals may be

unconsciously leaving a religion without fully realizing the ways in which they are

thinking differently about their belief (LeCount, 2017).

Participants who described their exit from Islam as gradual also relayed several

key moments that impacted their leaving. For many, these moments were incidents in

which they came to some realization due to personal experiences that distanced

themselves further from religious belief. This phenomenon is supported in literature

regarding ex-Mormons who similarly experienced a “series of ruptures” over a period of

time (Ormsbee, 2020, p. 7).

Pretending Religiosity as Survival

For most of the participants, they engaged in pretending religiosity behaviors as a

means of mitigating harm and surviving in their communities. As questioning Islam and,

much less, open apostasy were taboo subjects, the participants often gave the appearance

of religious adherence in order to shield themselves from scrutiny and attack from their

families and local authorities. This pretending was in stark contrast to what was going on

internally for the participants. That is, as they disavowed themselves from Islam and

secretly began identifying as ex-Muslims, religiosity became performative in nature

where partaking in practices such as praying or wearing a hijab no longer aligned with

their beliefs. The participants were, in essence, pretending to be something else entirely.

This act of pretending religiosity is supported in literature on atheists who found

themselves having to pretend after being pushed by family members to engage in

religious traditions (Zimmerman et al., 2015) and ex-Ultra-Orthodox Jews who pretended

religiosity with their old communities to not arouse suspicion and cause distress with

family members (Berger, 2015). An ex-Ultra-Orthodox Jew who had not openly left

Judaism remarked that “I look the same on the outside, but inside I am someone else”

(Berger, 2015, p. 679) which echoed the sentiment of several participants who described

how outward appearances did not align with their actual beliefs. Pretending was difficult

for some participants who often felt that they were, in essence, being dishonest to those

around them while others thought of pretending as a constant dynamic in which they

would please others by not offending anyone’s sensibilities. Pretending as lying and

living double lives is reflected in literature of ex-Mormons who faced an internal conflict

in presenting a “fake” version of themselves to family and a genuine one to their close

friends and partners (Jindra & Lee, 2021, p. 7). For reasons including familial pressure

and religious intolerance, the act of leading two lives was distressing to the ex-Mormon

participants and similarly so for the participants of this study who felt fear and worry

about their family’s reactions.

Exit as a Distressing Experience Due to Relational Loss

The process of leaving Islam was, for the participants, distressing due to the

relational consequences that they suffered. For some participants whose families knew

about their apostasy, they were met with rejection and disownment accompanied by

threats while for others they were dismissed and willfully ignored. These experiences are

supported in the literature regarding ex-Muslims (Cottee, 2017) and ex-Muslims who

converted to Christianity (Kraft, 2013; Speelman, 2006). The participants who were out

as ex-Muslims to their families were more likely to experience cut-off from their families

while those that were not fully out about their loss of faith still faced role change and

alienation. Such hostile attitudes towards ex-Muslims apostates are supported in research

that examined the attitudes towards religious exiters across religious beliefs (Kanol &

Michalowski, 2022).

Most participants experienced a significant strain on familial relations as a result

of their leaving of Islam which often resulted in criticisms by family members, isolation

from others and a loss of roles and standing with the family. In parallel literature on

individuals who became atheists from different religions, their apostasy, like the

participants, resulted in a number of negative social outcomes (Nica, 2020; Scheitle,

2010; Zimmerman et al., 2015) and role loss during as well as after the leaving process

(Nica, 2020). These negative outcomes are exacerbated by the isolation some participants

may experience as a result of mental health therapists who, seemingly in deference to

Islam, dismiss the participants’ experiences and provide unhelpful advice. Such actions

by mental health professionals are supported by parallel literature on ex-Mormons

experiencing a crisis of faith who (along with Mormons) may feel “re-traumatized” by

therapists who direct them to speak to their local faith leaders and estranged families

(Brooks, 2019, p. 2).

In some cases, relational losses for participants were of prior long-term

friendships which proved to cause significant distress perhaps compounded by the

parallel loss of relationship with family members. What participants had then come to

experience was supported in the literature in that there was an inability for their friends to

understand their choices leaving their exit from the religion to be further isolating and

lonely (LeCount, 2017).

Exit as a Distressing Due to Emotional Strain

For the majority of the participants, leaving Islam was an emotionally distressing

experience. Most participants could not openly express their apostasy to their families

and so they often felt guilty coupled with the burden of holding onto a secret. These

feelings of guilt were the result of indoctrination that had led the participants to believe

that losing faith was a colossal sin and that they were further doing wrong by hiding who

they were. These challenging feelings and beliefs by the participants are supported in

parallel literature of ex-Mormons who had left the LDS church (Jinda & Lee, 2021),

exChristian fundamentalists (Nica, 2020) and ex-Ultra-Orthodox Jews (Davidman, 2015).

Some participants faced a compounding distress of guilt, secrecy, and a feeling of

instability due to the loss of religious traditions that had previously provided some

measure of comfort. The experiencing of this distress due to the loss of a religious script

is echoed in literature of ex-Muslims as well as ex-Ultra-Orthodox Jews as for some

exMuslims, the loss of religious guidance proved to be confusing and upsetting (Cottee,

2015) while for some ex-Ultra-Orthodox Jews, the absence of certain traditions was

disconcerting and impactful of one’s sense of identity (Davidman, 2015).

Some participants remarked upon the difficult nature of apostasy particularly as it

relates to one’s way of life and the relational disconnections with family and community.

That is, as some participants faced outright disownment from their families and in other

cases alienation, leaving Islam is demonstrated to be an unsettling experience in which

the participants actively identify the ways in which it is difficult and, subsequently, the

ways in which this difficulty may have been avoided had they not left Islam. This

acknowledgment of apostasy as a difficult act and staying in religion as comparatively

easier was echoed in one study that included ex-Muslims: “Many participants noted that

in some ways their life would be easier if they remained ingrained in their religion, as this

participant illustrates: ‘It would be easier if I were still Muslim’” (LeCount, 2017, p. 19).

Exit as Unburdening and Relieving

Although some participants remarked on how, in some ways, life might be easier

had they not left Islam, the majority of participants described a sense of relief and

unburdening upon leaving Islam and identifying as ex-Muslim. This relief came in large

part due to a sense of mental liberation for the participants in that they now felt that they

could think for themselves away from religious proscriptions that had occupied so much

mental and emotional space. For other participants relief also came in their newfound

ability to live their lives as they wanted free from the gender-based prohibitions in Islam

and as perpetuated in their families. In Cottee’s (2015) exploration of ex-Muslim

experiences which included both men and women, the feeling of relief was found to be

one of the common emotions reported by ex-Muslims after leaving Islam. The individuals

highlighted by Cottee (2015) echo how the participants of this study thought of and

experienced leaving Islam in that by leaving, they were alleviated of intense internal

conflict.

Such descriptions of exit as an unburdening and relieving experience are also

supported in Ebaugh’s (1988) seminal Becoming an Ex which examined the leaving

experiences of individuals across a variety of former identities such as ex-nuns and

divorcees (who exit from marriage and their roles as spouses). Regarding the testimonials

of ex-nuns, Ebaugh (1988) describes how a common experience was of “euphoria, relief,

excitement, a feeling of freedom, and a sense of being released from pressures and

expectations” (p. 137). Similarly, Fazzino (2014) also found in exploring the experiences

of former Evangelical Christians that their “deconversion” was a “liberating experience

that evoked feelings of freedom, relief, and happiness” (p. 262).

The release from religious, societal, and familial pressures was a common point

for the participants who thought of exit as no longer being weighed down by Islam and its

prohibitions. Similarly, Ebaugh (1988) found that most transgender individuals who had

completed gender-affirming surgeries had also experienced immense relief as they had

found alignment between their bodies and their internal identities. However, Ebaugh

(1988) also describes how for some groups and individuals, they can feel numb or guilty

(as with former mothers who had given away custody of their children) as opposed to

relief. This remains a point of divergence between some participants in Ebaugh’s (1988)

work and those of this study. Although the ex-Muslim women participants sometimes felt

guilty before and during the leaving process, conscious exit and the adoption of the ex-

Muslim identity did not indicate struggles with guilt.

Exit as Ongoing

Most participants described leaving Islam as an ongoing process with no

perceivable finality. The prolonged and, in some cases, traumatic impact that their Islamic

upbringings and Muslim families had on the participants’ beliefs, thoughts and feelings

demonstrate exit from Islam as not a linear series of events but rather a complex one

where exit is continually pending. This phenomenon is reflected in literature on

exMuslims (Cottee, 2015; Warraq, 2003) where leaving is conceptualized as a “life-long

journey” (Vliek, 2019, p. 107). These experiences are supported in literature on ex-

Mormons, ex-Christians and ex-Ultra-Orthodox Jews (Brooks, 2019; Davidman, 2014;

Smith, 2011). For ex-Mormons and ex-Ultra-Orthodox Jews, the ongoing nature of exit

pertained to the ways in which their former religions would continue to impact the

individual’s life after leaving (Berger, 2015; Brooks, 2019). This was, as Brooks (2019)

described, “a persistent form of psychosomatic trauma in their post-Mormon lives” (p. 8).

For ex-Ultra-Orthodox Jews, this was a similar ongoing process which was also echoed

by the ex-Muslim women participants in that leaving Ultra-Orthodox Judaism had evoked

strong feelings of guilt as they not only struggled with losing religious belief but also

tradition and a sense of identity—all of which had primed religiously-informed guilt to

persist within the individual (Berger, 2015; Davidman, 2014).

Additionally, exit is ongoing in that the participants’ experiences are inevitably

impacted by their relationships (sometimes severed and oftentimes strained) with their

families and the Muslim community at large. For the participants whose families knew of

their apostasy, their families may make efforts to reconvert their daughters to Islam with

varying degrees of pressure applied. This dynamic is supported in parallel literature of ex-

Mormons whose parents attempt to “push religion” onto their children in hopes of a

return to belief (Jindra & Lee, 2021, p. 7). That is, for some they may have left Islam but

at times find themselves going through the motions of religious observance when meeting

with family or members of the community for largely practical reasons as failing to do so

would likely result in cut-off and put the participant in danger due to threats made by

Muslims against ex-Muslims. This utility of pretending after religious exit and the

dangers faced by ex-Muslims is supported in the literature on ex-Ultra-Orthodox Jews

who, may pretend as a deliberate and strategic choice to not raise the suspicion of those

around them (Berger, 2015).

Emotional distress is also, for some participants, ongoing as they continue to be

impacted by past physical and emotional abuse coupled with religious trauma. That

exMuslims are likely to be victims of abuse is supported in a 2020 study of apostates

which found that apostates, compared to non-believers, were more likely to experience

assault and that within apostate victims, ex-Muslims were much more likely to be victims

than ex-Christians (Parekh & Egan, 2020). Leaving Islam is ongoing for the participants

where they continue to deal with a history of trauma prolonged by perpetual threats. This

experience is similar to those of ex-Muslims who converted to Christianity and were then

subject to rejection and threats from their former communities (Speelman, 2006). A

participant who was not fully out as ex-Muslim also wondered if identifying as an

exMuslim would only be possible after moving to a non-Muslim country. Until this could

be achieved, living in secret as an ex-Muslim meant not only that exit was ongoing but

also that they faced perpetual isolation. This is, as Comstock et al. (2008) argued, for

those in “marginalized and devalued cultural groups,” an experience of “condemned

isolation” leaving individuals displaced through disconnections where they may be, in the

case of ex-Muslims, alienated by their communities and unable to find physical safety in

others.

Exit as Done

Several participants thought of their leaving of Islam as being “done” with a sense

of finality. Within these participants, however, there was also a feeling of both having left

Islam and continually leaving Islam. Exit from Islam thought of as a completed

phenomenon by ex-Muslim women is not well known in the available literature on

exMuslim women (or men). Although some explorations into ex-Muslim experiences do

suggest elements of finality in leaving, moreover leaving is expressed as an ongoing

phenomenon (Vliek, 2019; Warraq, 2003). In Cottee’s (2017) inquiry into the stories of

ex-Muslims, however, leaving Islam was seen as a “cumulative process” for ex-Muslims

that was “marked and solidified by various disavowal rituals and a gradual

disinvolvement from the cultural life-world of Islam” (p. 155). Such descriptions of

leaving Islam would suggest that it is possible then that for some ex-Muslims, leaving

Islam may reach a state of completion.

Exit as a Reconstruction of the Self

For most of the participants, leaving Islam also involved a complicated process in

which they reconstructed their self-identities. Due to the ways in which Islamic

prohibitions expressed in their families and communities had restricted the majority of

their lives, these participants then actively began to recognize and construct the things

that would compose their selfhood including their personal interests, beliefs, ways of

dress and relationships they developed. In other words, how the participants came to see

and rebuild their self-identities did not occur in a one-dimensional vacuum devoid of

context but rather one in which the individual reflected upon the proximal and distal

systems they had been a part of throughout their lives. That the participants would

undergo such an experience is supported in the literature on atheists and religious exit

across other religions. As Smith (2011) described, “an atheist identity, however, is best

understood not as one that is the product of filling particular socially defined and

culturally accepted roles, but as one rooted in personal meaning, history and biography”

(p. 217).

For several participants, this process also involved a freeing of their thoughts

towards the past and a sense of ownership towards the future. In looking at their own

histories, the participants were able to see how their identities had been shaped by Islam

and in assessing the future, they felt that they could now think for themselves. In a study

of ex-Mormons, Ormsbee (2020) describes how for some ex-Mormon women, their lives

had been influenced by Mormon patriarchy and upon leaving the religion, they were now

able to “either reclaim or create for the first time an effective ability to trust their own

intellect and their own judgement and to take action independent of their Mormon

communities” (p. 14). Additionally, the aspects of selfhood construction pertaining to a

greater sense of one’s agency is supported in literature on ex-Evangelical Christians who

reported an improvement in self-concepts such as taking responsibility for themselves

after leaving Christianity (but not during religious exit as ex-Evangelicals reported mixed

outcomes during the transitory period) (Nica, 2020). That such a difficulty in self-concept

and self-mastery would be present for some ex-Evangelicals during that phase of exit

(Nica, 2020) echoes the experiences of one ex-Muslim woman participant who described

the difficulty in creating a self-hood. That is, as this participant was and is not fully able

to be “out” as an ex-Muslim woman, constructing her self-identity is, perhaps, hindered

by an aspect of her identity based upon community that she cannot easily or simply

extricate herself from.

Strengths and Limitations

The core strengths of this study were the researcher’s efforts in attending to

notions of trustworthiness, reflexivity, and transparency throughout the data collection

and analysis processes. Trustworthiness was a continuous and iterative approach in which

the researcher first aimed to frame the research study in a way that explored the essence

of the given phenomenon for a particular population. As the researcher’s goal was to

explore how ex-Muslim women experience and understand leaving Islam, it was essential

to accurately structure the research study so that data collection would lead to obtaining

participants who had experienced the phenomenon and identified as ex-Muslim women.

The researcher reached out to a number of well-known ex-Muslim groups, activists and

mental health professionals from across the world who work closely with ex-Muslims. As

there were no geographic limitations on who could be a participant, a goal was to identify

participants from diverse Muslim backgrounds.

Semi-structured interviews were the primary form of data collection where the

researcher served as the instrument of data collection. These interviews consisted of a

primary interview and then a secondary member-checking interview supplemented by the

construction of profiles for each participant and a more encompassing composite profile

to describe general experiences. The semi-structured interviews were guided by a set of

questions formulated by the researcher prior to the interview. The participants were given

ample opportunities during the interviews to share their thoughts and experiences that

they felt were relevant to the research questions. The researcher aimed to have a “flexible

collaboration” with the participants so that there may be a deeper exploration of how the

participants made sense of the phenomenon (Reid, Flowers & Larkin, 2005, p. 22).

Throughout the data collection process, the researcher aimed to be reflexive by assessing

and reassessing how his social locations may have impacted interactions with participants

and the research data (Soedirgo & Glas, 2020). As the researcher occupied spaces of

identity different from the participants, effort was taken to not impose the researcher’s

own identity or story onto the participants. Doing so allowed the researcher to give each

participant an open space from which they could tell their stories. After completing the

primary interviews, the researcher engaged in data analysis while keeping a journal of his

thoughts and observations throughout the process. Prior to conducting the secondary

member-checking interviews, the researcher composed brief participant profiles and a

composite profile of how an ex-Muslim woman might consider and experience leaving

Islam. Each participant was presented with their unique profile as well as the composite

profile and they were asked to read and reflect upon both prior to the member-checking

interview. The participant profiles were written in the third person and the composite

profile was written in the first person. The choice of the latter was an intentional decision

to create a more personalized account of experience from which the participants could

reflect upon. These profiles served to triangulate data and work towards trustworthiness

in which the researcher could confirm accuracy of each individual’s experience as well

determine how each participant related and thought about the essence of experience that

was developed in the composite profile.

The researcher worked closely with his dissertation chair throughout the data

collection and analysis process and received feedback and suggestions during each stage.

An essential component of these meetings with the dissertation chair included discussing

how to maintain trustworthiness in the research process. Additionally, the researcher

utilized an external auditor to review excerpts of the collected data, the data analysis

process, and the experiential themes and group experiential themes reached by data

analysis. The researcher highlighted a “data trail” from which the auditor could assess the

researcher’s interpretation of the client’s stories. The researcher’s interpretations were

ultimately supported by direct quotes from the participants.

There were several limitations to note for this research study. The first limitation

is in regards to the sample of the participants and their various backgrounds as ex-Muslim

women. Although IPA studies are not meant to be generalizable to the broader population

(Miller et al, 2018), they do aim to closely examine the essence of a particular

phenomenon as experienced by a given group (Pietkiewicz, 2014). Sample sizes are

typically small in IPA studies and should be homogenous by some measure (Smith et al,

2009). While the participants of this study are homogenous in that they each are

exMuslim women, they come from a variety of cultural, ethnic, national, and religious

sect backgrounds within Islam. Additionally, the participants, although ranging in age

from the late teens to the late 30’s, do not represent older ex-Muslim women. In this way,

while a potential strength of the study may be that the participants come from diverse

backgrounds, it simultaneously may also be a limitation of potential homogeneity. This

limitation is similarly present in literature across disciplines on Muslims and ex-Muslims

as both represent relatively small yet burgeoning fields of study where a more narrow

definition of homogeneity may be difficult to justify without the presence of a wider body

of literature. In other words, this limitation parallels the likely limitations or concessions

made by researchers who have studied Muslims, Muslim Americans and ex-Muslims

despite these groups representing diverse ethnic, cultural and religious backgrounds

(Haque, 2004).

As ex-Muslims (like Muslims) come from a variety of ethnic, national, and

cultural backgrounds, there is also a diversity of languages in which they may be native

and fluent in. This study was conducted in English and subsequently the respondents who

participated in the study shared that they were comfortable conducting the interviews in

English. However, this was a limitation that impacted the sample of participants as there

are likely ex-Muslims who would not feel comfortable conducting the interviews in

English and would need to speak in a native language or another language in which they

are fluent.

Another limitation of this study is that through IPA, the researcher serves as the

primary instrument of data collection. Although this researcher practiced reflexivity to be

mindful of his beliefs and preconceived notions not impacting data collection and

analysis, the researcher is ultimately a significant factor in the data that is collected from

participants. Crucial to the IPA process (and in any qualitative study in which the

researcher is an instrument of data collection) is that the participants must feel that they

can trust the researcher and feel relatively comfortable in sharing their thoughts and

experiences (Smith, 2010). A potentially influential factor to the participants’ level of

comfort may be in the socially defined identities of the researcher and whether they

parallel those of the participants. Although the researcher attempted to mitigate any

potential discomfort by establishing rapport as indicated IPA (Smith et al., 2009) The

researcher is neither ex-Muslim nor a woman and it is entirely possible that the

participants may not have felt completely comfortable (or comfortable at all) speaking to

someone whose identities did not resemble theirs. Gender identity discrepancy, in

particular, between the researcher and the participant may have impacted the content and

the detail that the participants shared.

Implications of the Study

The aim of this research study was to develop a better understanding of how

exMuslim women experienced and thought of leaving Islam. The implications of this

study extend to many counseling-related domains. By highlighting the stories of these

exMuslim women, counseling and counselor education may ultimately work towards

greater and more inclusive cultural awareness to competently serve this population. By

utilizing Relational-Cultural Theory, the study has further implications which support the

use of RCT as a model for understanding individual experiences.

Implications for Counseling

Currently the dearth of literature regarding counseling considerations in working

with ex-Muslim women leaves this population likely to be misunderstood or their

struggles dismissed in counseling settings. This issue is part of a broader lack of

information regarding the ex-Muslim population in counseling-related disciplines.

Although some counseling-related literature in regards to Muslim clients with an assumed

level of religiosity has emerged in response to the growth of the Muslim community

particularly in the West (Cook-Masaud & Wiggins, 2011; Hamdan, 2007; Haque, 2004)

greater literature on the experiences of ex-Muslim women (and ex-Muslims in general)

regarding religious exit and life stressors, family dynamics, identity formation and social

supports remain to be seen.

Researchers including Amri and Bemak (2013) Hamdan (2008), and Rassool

(2015) have utilized case studies to explore cultural considerations in counseling for

Muslim clients. Such research has helped to inform how counselors can better understand

the cultural contexts of their Muslim clients and also how clinicians can think about

religiously-informed treatment interventions. In a similar way, the findings of this study

can help to inform counselors on how a significant life event such as religious exit can be

experienced for their clients who are ex-Muslim women. Essential to this are the ways in

which ex-Muslim women may experience emotional distress, controlling family

dynamics, the supportive identification of outside communities and the formation of a

new self-concept throughout the process of leaving Islam.

In particular, the difficulties that the participants experienced throughout their

leaving journeys indicates that assistance in the form of mental health support may be

helpful in addressing isolation and abuse. As ex-Muslim apostates are more likely to

experience assault than ex-Christians, part of the implication is that those with an

increased likelihood of being victimized (Parekh & Egan, 2020) may need and benefit

from supportive services such as mental health counseling. However, counselors often

receive little training on religious doubt or exit and in turn may end up offering

suggestions that are unknowingly harmful to the clients. For example, ex-Mormons felt

re-traumatized when they were told by their therapists to speak to leaders and friends in

the church as well as estranged family members during their struggles with religious

belief (Brooks, 2019). It is possible that many counselors are wary of working with

clients who experience religious doubt and/or exit and perhaps reflexively defer to the

target religion and religious community as the source for clarity and spiritual stewardship

for the client. Given the taboo nature of apostasy and a lack of education around religious

exit for ex-Muslims, findings from this study indicate counselors should resist shying

away from controversial topics and work towards a more nuanced view of cultural

competency that is inclusive of religious disavowal in addition to religious belief.

Implications for Counselor Education

For counselor education, this study indicates the ways in which teaching, theory

and supervision may be impacted by considering the lived experiences of ex-Muslim

women. As teaching in counselor education strives to have a multicultural understanding

of diverse client life experiences and cultural backgrounds, the findings from this study

may help administrators and educators in counseling programs to consider cultural

competency with regard to those who are largely unrepresented in counseling literature.

As the ACA (2014) Code of Ethics outlines, counselor educators should “actively infuse

multicultural/diversity competency in their training and supervision practices” (p. 15).

This broad directive can take shape by contributing to how counselor educators

conceptualize the emergence of counseling theory beyond their own worldviews. As Hays

and Erford (2022) describe, worldviews may form into the individual’s personal beliefs in

addition to their theories regarding counseling. By exploring the life experiences of ex-

Muslim women, whose intersecting identities are immutably influenced by and influential

on each other, the notion of theory emerging from individualized worldviews is further

supported and seen for its complexity. Subsequently, individualized worldviews as the

basis for counseling theories can then consider a broader and more diverse understanding

of how individuals may come to experience and observe their worlds (Hays & Erford,

2022). When certain populations are excluded, either intentionally or unintentionally

from counseling theories, the groups are often derided and misunderstood. Such groups

would be, as Hays and Erford (2022) described, “set at a disadvantage” (p. 539).

The experiences of the participants as simultaneously ex-Muslims and women

(among other identities) may also compel reflection for counselor educators on notions of

diversity, cultural competency. Counselor educators may then adopt what Ratts et al. (2016)

describe as a “wide-angle lens approach” considerate of the numerous components of

identity which leaves less from the purview of the clinician and supervisor (p. 31). In

particular, this approach is necessary for counselor education so that the intersecting

identities of marginalized populations, such as ex-Muslim women, are viewed and

understood in their complex wholeness. Doing so would allow the identities as both women

and ex-Muslim to be seen as inseparable–each identity influenced by and influencing of

other identities. By adopting a broader view of a group’s experiences, how supervision is

conceptualized and taught may be informed by highlighting the complex manner in which

converging identities, oppressive systems (or the “multiplicity of oppression”) and

environmental factors ultimately contribute to how clients experience the world (Harley et

al., 2002, p. 217; Ratts et al., 2016). In doing so, supervisors may teach students to work in a

manner that is flexible and adaptive to the client and the counselor may recognize the

multitudes contained within their client (Hays & Erford, 2022). Supervision then moves

towards being “multicultural supervision” in that the supervisor thoughtfully reflects upon

culturally sensitive clinical interventions by attending to the identities within each client

(Borders et al., 2014).

In an effort to practice cultural sensitivity and gain increased cultural awareness,

counselor educators can reflect upon the stories of ex-Muslim women leaving Islam as an

understudied population and phenomenon. The experiences of ex-Muslim women could

be addressed with students and supervisees who may work with such populations and that

may ultimately contribute to their ongoing learning to be more culturally competent

professionals. Such a process of reflection for both students and educators may be a

useful practice in thinking critically about converging identities of gender, culture,

ethnicity, nationality and religiosity. In incorporating a population that has seen relatively

little study across disciplines and is stigmatized due to its taboo nature in many

communities, the implications for counselor educators and clients may ultimately be for

their shared benefit.

Implications for Relational-Cultural Theory

This study utilized Relational-Cultural Theory as a conceptual framework from

which to explore and analyze the phenomenon of how ex-Muslim women experience and

understand leaving Islam. For each participant, the ways in which they experienced and

made sense of leaving Islam was immutably tied to their converging identities—parts of

their selfhood that were not partitioned constructs but rather influenced by and influential

of one another. As the participants’ ethnic, cultural, and national identities intersected

with their gender identities as women, this, in turn, provided insight into how they

encountered liberation and oppression due to relational connections and disconnections—

relief and distress as they experienced conflict with their families and found community

with other ex-Muslims. By analyzing the ways in which ex-Muslim women can

experience these relational connections and disconnections, we can work towards greater

cultural competency for counselors that attend to nuanced notions of how individuals and

groups make sense of their realities (Comstock et al., 2008). The findings of this study,

subsequently, support the functional utility of RCT as a theory for understanding how

individuals may experience the world differently through a convergence of identities.

Through RCT’s conceptualization of socially constructed gender roles and the

internalization of those gender roles (Hammer et al., 2016) the experiences of the

participants support how diverging and converging social constructs of identity impact

the relational development for individuals during their lives.

Recommendations for Future Research

This study indicates a need for more research across academic domains on

exMuslims, particularly the experiences of ex-Muslim women. In having a greater base

of literature on this population, researchers could work towards a more in-depth

understanding of apostasy for ex-Muslims that would complement what is known about

exiting from other religions for different groups.

Both the Muslim and ex-Muslim populations are considerably diverse in regards

to culture, ethnicity, country of residence, nationality, age and prior religious affiliation.

Future research could focus on within-group differences for ex-Muslims as there is likely

to be areas of divergence based upon different socially defined identities. Subsequently, it

is recommended that future research includes the experiences of ex-Muslims living in

countries governed by Islamic laws and ex-Muslims living in countries that are not

governed by Islamic laws. Within this expansion of research, understanding of apostasy

would likely benefit by conducting interviews in a range of languages which may allow

for greater participation by ex-Muslim men and women.

Although this study focused on the experiences of ex-Muslim women, future

research should also explore the experiences of ex-Muslim men. As several participants

in the current study speculated, the experiences within Islam, the motivations for leaving,

and the process of leaving are likely to be different in many ways for ex-Muslim men.

Ex-Muslim women’s thoughts and experiences around sex, relationships and marriage are

all likely to be impacted by prior belief in Islam and this may also be a fruitful area in

which to explore changing attitudes due to religious exit. As these issues are often seen to

be sensitive or private, future researchers of ex-Muslim women should carefully consider

how best to approach this subject.

Several participants spoke to how their personal values around the LGBTQ

community were incompatible with what they were taught in Islam. It is likely that for

some ex-Muslims, their sexuality and/or transgender identities may be a significant

motivation for leaving Islam. Future research could focus specifically upon ex-Muslims

from the LGBTQ community and what their experiences of leaving Islam were.

Conclusion

Ex-Muslims remain an understudied population despite being more likely to be

victimized than ex-Christians for their apostasy (Parekh & Egan, 2020). While some

inquiry into ex-Muslims has been seen across academic journals, print media and forms

of new media, there remains little formal study on the experiences of ex-Muslim women

leaving Islam. For counseling-related fields, this lack of information serves as an obstacle

in understanding and providing services to this unique group.

It was with this in mind that the current qualitative research study aimed to

explore how ex-Muslim women experienced and made sense of leaving Islam. IPA was

the chosen research method to focus on the essence of the participants’ experiences while

constructivism served as the epistemological foundation and RCT operated as the

conceptual framework. As the epistemological foundation, constructivism provided a

broad language in which to understand how individuals perceive and engage with their

realities and the meaning that individuals make through social, cultural, and historical

contexts (Creswell & Poth, 2018). RCT, serving as the conceptual framework, informed

this study in exploring how ex-Muslim women experienced relational connections and

disconnections during their leaving of Islam. Additionally, this study examined how the

participants’ meaning-making was connected to their gendered and intersecting identities

as both women and ex-Muslims.

Through multiple semi-structured interviews with participants, the research

discovered how ex-Muslim women thought of and experienced leaving Islam within the

context of their broader stories including their experiences in Islam, their experiences

with religious questioning, and the discovery of outside sources of knowledge. The

study’s findings indicate how ex-Muslim women’s experiences of Islam were inextricably

linked to their gendered identities as women and girls. Social prohibitions on behavior

and rigid gender roles both played a substantial role in how ex-Muslim women thought of

themselves within Islam. For most participants, questioning of Islam was discouraged by

their communities and instead religious doubt was met with repudiation and an

encouragement to further believe in Islam. Throughout the leaving process, engagement

with the secular world remained a pivotal point of contrast to their Islamic beliefs. In

particular, discovery and learning of the global ex-Muslim community proved to be a

significant experience which provided ideological commonality and interpersonal refuge

to the participants who felt disconnected within their own communities. For the

participants, religious exit was a long, non-linear and challenging process in which some

experienced emotional distress while many others suffered relational disconnections such

as banishment by their families as a result of their apostasy. Most participants engaged in

pretending religiosity behaviors throughout their leaving of Islam as a means of

remaining safe within their families and communities. For some, physical exit from their

families of origin coincided with religious exit. However, the findings also indicate that

for most participants, leaving Islam was a profound unburdening experience evoking a

strong sense of relief. Although most participants described the experience of leaving

Islam as ongoing with no perceived finality, the findings also suggest that a sense of

completion is present for others. For many participants, leaving Islam also compelled a

reconstruction of their self-identities that was now free from the restraints which they had

felt in their former communities.

This research study’s findings add to a small but increasing body of literature on

ex-Muslims across academic disciplines. By exploring the stories of ex-Muslim women

leaving Islam, it became evident how they made sense of a significant life experience

with immense intrapersonal and interpersonal ramifications. Including such experiences

may allow for the counseling field to better explore and understand the layered

intersections of identities with clients which may ultimately work towards increasing

culturally competency in counseling and counselor education. The voices of these

exMuslim women provide an important and distinct nuance in learning about populations

specific to religious exit.

THE LIVED EXPRERIENCES OF EX-MUSLIM WOMEN LEAVING ISLAM AN INTERPREATATIVE PHENOMENOLOGICAL ANALYSIS

Students also viewed