From the TA:
Janna, Your draft is strong, with good supporting details and well-integrated visuals. You
can make your proposal more persuasive by strengthening the paragraph coherence in
your Body sections, constructing a well-rounded Introduction, and using document
headings. Please review the markup for details on where you can tighten up your
content. You have a strong plan with good research, but your Body sections are a little
choppy without clear section headings and paragraph feet/concluding sentences that
stress the main takeaways for the reader. Also, scan through the markup for where you
can revise the writing style to be more concise and clearer. Overall, good job with
keeping the tone reader friendly and respectful. Make sure your Introduction better
snapshots the background, problem, solution, and previews key points. The previewing
statement should match the document headings you’ll add to your Body points. Review
the course lectures for a refresher on how to follow the direct organization strategy for
this document. Overall, nice work. With the suggested revisions, your proposal will
achieve your objective and be easier to scan. Please remember to include the required
ROAM analysis when submitting your Final Draft.
From a classmate:
Structure: The document follows the correct formatting including the technical
specifications. Some paragraphs are frontloaded with topic sentences which aid F-style
scanning. Substance: The memo could be made more persuasive by mentioning about
biodigesters in the beginning. The writer does address and mitigate potential concerns.
The writer also used clearly labeled graphics and referred to them in the text, hence the
graphics are useful. Style: The language is actionable, and reader focused. The writing
is clear but can be made more concise by listing all the proposed price changes in a
table, The reader can get distracted by reading too many price changes in the text. The
text is properly cited. SPoG: Did not find any spelling errors, document follows subject-
verb agreement and there are no punctuation errors. Comments: Overall, the memo
serves its purpose, but a few changes can be made to make it more persuasive. The
memo can be started with informing how biodigesters are already reducing the wastage
and the need for help from the guests to further reduce it and then proceed to laying
out the solution. Also, headings can be used so that the document looks more organized
and inform the reader what to expect in the subsequent paragraph, this also helps F-
style scanning. The writer can also consolidate the price changes into a table so that the
reader doesn’t get confused by reading so many changes in the text.
From another classmate:
Janna, This is a great proposal! I appreciate that your proposal is realistic and specific.
You very appropriately outline the problem, the proposed solution and then your
recommendations on how to make it a reality. In your introduction, before you get too
far into specifics, you say “I” a few times. Though the memo is personal and persuasive,
I would keep away from speaking specifically about yourself and what you’re writing
about. I think that if you’re writing this memo, the reader knows this is how you feel and
will later on see that you’re not making crazy asks or changes to make it a reality.
Additionally, instead of “we” and “our” maybe use “Carnival”. Ultimately, if I were
receiving this memo, I’d be inclined to continue the conversation and make this a
reality. As far as structure, your memo format is correct, I appreciate that you used a
Carnival specific memo template, spacing and paragraphs are formatted correctly. The
graphics are helpful and add to your argument. Your language is actionable with true
