Essay

Technological Perspective based on the Luddites

by Wisline Fontilus

Submission date: 22-Jan-2021 08:50AM (UTC-0500) Submission ID: 1492157796 File name: English12draft2.docx (18.42K) Word count: 968 Character count: 5533

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FINAL GRADE

5/5 Technological Perspective based on the Luddites GRADEMARK REPORT

GENERAL COMMENTS

Instructor

Hi Wisline. The paper is more developed and interesting as a result. You've begun the process of integrating ideas from Nathaniel Rich's article, which appears to be useful, so these are good signs going forward.

Still, there are changes you can make to where and how you announce your thesis to the reader and to things affecting the coherence in the paper. See the comments on the paper for more on what I mean by this.

Work on MLA style is needed, as I note, and in the early goings of this draft, I point out some of the editing work that is needed going forward. In the end, the essay is improving with each draft, so keep up the effort.

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Comment 1

...sectors, creating...

Comment 2

According to the "neo-Luddites," right? Make it clear. Also, if you disagree with their ideas, make it clear here with a thesis statement. Or, you could start the next paragraph with your claim as a way to transition to the evidence in "Interview with the Luddite" to support it. Otherwise, the introduction is okay.

Comment 3

After you give their full names, you can reduce the references to their last names only: "Kelly interviews Sale..."

Comment 4

Some words should be changed so that the summary is more in your own words. There are some words and stretches of words that are taken from the text but they are not in quotation marks but would need to be unless you change how you say it. For example:

"...distention between rich and poor..."

PAGE 2

Comment 5

Computers, being one ...technology, have contributed...

It might help to look up comma usage rules on the Purdue OWL website going forward.

Comment 6

Subject-Verb agreement:

has should be have

Computers, ..., have

Comment 7

This is a difficult sentence to untangle.

Comment 8

They used to do this, in the 19th century, but Sale's actions were more symbolic than a sign of widespread attacks on machines. Sale says that the movement when he is being interviewed is largely intellectual today.

Comment 9

You need to introduce the source and give the author's full name, just as you did with "Interview with the Luddite." The (1) is not MLA style and can distract the reader.

Comment 10

Here, again, you are using the author's words without giving him proper credit. You need to put quotation marks to show that they are words taken from the text verbatim in addition to mentioning

his name.

Comment 11

Here is where you want to quote exactly what he says in the text. Give concrete evidence in addition to paraphrases of the text.

Comment 12

Perhaps, then, I am wrong about your thesis. Here you seem to indicate strong agreement with Sale, but you might instead be pointing out more of what he says will come in 2020 in the interview. To make it clear to the reader how you want them to understand this, change the topic sentence a bit. Also, you gave this list in the summary part earlier, so do you need to repeat it like this here? Bring it up again, sure, but what is the point of this paragraph exactly?

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Comment 13

You need a signal phrase for all quotes. See the "Basic MLA" handout for examples of what I mean and see the Purdue OWL website as well. In a signal phrase for a quotation, you typically indicate who the speaker is.

Also, how does what you quote from Rich's article follow what you say just before it about the "Coronavirus pandemic"? Explanation seems needed before you move to the next thing Sale says.

Comment 14

Okay, so here you move back to what I think is your thesis for the entire essay. Going forward, make this clear earlier still. And, as the comments suggest, while what you have added seems useful, work on the coherence of the essay by improving the transitions from one paragraph to the next and how you integrate ideas from the texts you use.

Comment 15

Here I suggest you quote Sale and Kelly directly in addition to explaining how they differ. I notice you only give quotations from the shorter Rich text in the essay. The same exact engagement is still needed with "Interview with the Luddite," which is the primary source in the essay. At times, I've noted where you are using words from the text embedded in with yours, but changes are needed.

Comment 16

A signal phrase is needed to integrate this into the essay effectively. It seems useful.

Comment 17

I still think it might help to follow this with a discussion of your own experience during this time that supports this before you wrap things up with the conclusion. How has technology provided a

"solution" for something for you during a time that is in the realm of what Sale predicted?

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