Complete Test on Metaphysical ASAP

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Thomas Francis University • Course G140 • Segment 5

THE SEARCH FOR MEANING

—Douglas R. Kelley, PhD, CH, CSL

Updated: June 24, 2021

Upon Completion of this Segment, You Will Know:

• Futility and meaning: Is life an exercise in futility?

• The ultimate futility killer.

• Adversity and meaning.

• Defining adversity and empowerment.

• Finding meaning in our suffering.

• Dealing with grief and loss.

• Adversity’s Surrender: Requiem for a Man.

This striving to find a meaning in one's life is the primary motivational force in man.

—Viktor Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

ince the dawn of humanity, billions of souls have struggled and searched for answers to the

meaning of life. Moreover, billions of times, the search for answers to the "Big Three" questions

("Why are we here? Where did we come from? Where are we going?) has stopped at the same

brick wall: "I don't know." For millennia, metaphysical philosophers of varied cultures and beliefs have

also embraced the challenge of answering the riddle of life's meaning, and again, all have failed. And

the reason is simple: there are no verifiable answers—yet.

Of course, human curiosity and determination are unstoppable and therefore, no known stone has

been left unturned in humankind’s search. From the earliest of times, and continuing along until the

present day, humans have devised and constructed self-acceptable answers to the meaning of life

when concrete and supportable answers do not exist or are not available.

Religion and religious writings are a prime example of humanity's efforts to answer seemingly

unanswerable questions. Widely held and popular religious beliefs range from going to heaven or hell

when a person dies, to reincarnation, to a state of non-existence. Still others hold more esoteric life-

after-death beliefs.

And while I completely respect and accept another individual's right to believe as he or she wishes,

I find it difficult to accept the traditional religious answers to life's meaning because I always have

to take it on faith—I don't know it firsthand for myself. The bottom-line and absolute reality of the

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matter is that, as a race, we simply do not know why we are here, where we came from, and where

we are going—yet.

So, the search continues.

This segment explores our search for meaning in an effort to get you thinking, rather than to

provide unavailable concrete answers. After all, finding meaning is part and parcel to human nature

and behavior. Since we often contemplate life’s meaning when we are going through problems and

troubles, we will discuss adversity and its relationship to meaning. Some folks have seen so much

adversity that they wonder whether life is simply an exercise in futility. The next section addresses

this issue.

FUTILITY AND MEANING: IS LIFE AN EXERCISE IN FUTILITY?

Living in this world with all of its troubles, it is easy to buy into the futility of it all. When a baby

is born, wonderful things are given it: fresh skin, youthful vigor, strength and all the hopes and dreams

of the future. The baby grows to be an adult, and, hopefully, enjoys a vibrant and fulfilling life.

It would be terrific if the story stopped here, but it doesn't. The baby—once the epitome of life—

grows old and dies. It is a journey of 80 years or so. We can do nothing about it—it just happens. The

cold, hard, and morbid truth is that as soon as a baby is born, it begins the process of dying.

Whether or not we continue on after death or not, for most people, dying is by far the greatest

calamity which humankind must face. To most, death and the processes that lead up to it—sickness

and old age—are heinous afflictions. To see someone battling a serious illness or an elderly person

trying to function within the limits placed on him or her by old age is a heartbreaking sight to behold

regardless of one’s views of the afterlife. It is equally sad when someone views death as a solution to

illness or problems. Of course, some believe that we chose to come here, to be born in the family we

were, and to experience the life we have. Therefore, the implication is that we knew what we were

in for. However, this is simply an unsupported belief and, while it may bring some people comfort, it

doesn’t really lessen the blow of losing a loved one to sickness, old age, and/or death.

These facts lead many to adopt an attitude of futility. For example, actor-comedian Woody Allen

stated, "More than any time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and

hopelessness; the other to total extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.”

With statements like this, it is easy to understand why so many feel that life is futile.

The Human Need to Avert Futility

Many people past and present have made serious attempts at removing futility from their lives.

Metaphysical writers such as William James, Soren Kierkegaard, and Friedrich Nietzsche all taught

philosophy as a remedy to despair and futility. Others seek religion to find meaning in life and avert

futility. Nevertheless, many still conclude that with death comes the ultimate futility. Remove death

and remove futility. Is this correct thinking?

A case in point is a message posted on the Internet by “Mary” who was concerned with this very

issue. Speaking of the untimely death of John F. Kennedy Jr. in 1999, she wrote:

… His death made me think about how useless life on earth is. It all ends the same way,

regardless of whether you are a king or a beggar. It doesn't matter now who he was,

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what he did or what family he was from. None of that helped him. He's gone and that's

that. I am a Christian, so I know that God has a purpose for my life. However, this stark

reminder of human mortality and how easily it can all be over is a real bucket of cold

water over my head. I suppose that I should take that understanding and live today as

though it were my last day; enjoy my [children] and don't be uptight about not getting

every little thing done….

It is sad to see good-hearted people hurting over the tragedies of life, as Mary so honestly conveyed

in her posting. She correctly stated that it doesn't matter whether a person is rich or poor, what

connections they have, or what family they come from. We all must contend with the same finale.

She also realized an important point: So often, we spend too much time being overly concerned

with the little mundane things of life that don't really matter in the end. What is most important is

this: Things don't matter, people matter. It is well and good—an honorable undertaking—to lighten

the loads of those around us by our loving and tolerant nature, and by healthy and direct action on

our part when we see someone in need.

How to Understand and View Futility

The word "futility" is defined as "serving no useful purpose; uselessness; frivolousness." Now, when

we apply that to our lives, does it fit? Of course not. We all have responsibilities in life that wouldn't

get done without us, right? What about children or dependents? If we have children, then our lives

need not be futile. How would they get along if not for our involvement? Hopefully, we can answer

that we are thoroughly involved in the lives of our children.

What about other responsibilities and pursuits? Do we "leave the woodpile a little higher than we

found it" by giving to others as part of our career or other activities? Many options are available that

provide a valuable service to our communities. Are we involved here? Can we get involved?

Author and medical doctor, Ron Smothermon, once wrote, "At the foundation of every life is one

central desire: to make a difference that you lived." This is an extremely relevant point in this dis-

cussion and one we discussed in Segment 2 on the traits of human nature. If we make a difference

that we lived, then by definition, we negate futility. Futility only exists when we do nothing mean-

ingful with our lives; when we have no purpose; when we only take from others. By discovering and

implementing our own unique purpose, we overtake futility; we dissipate any power it has over us

like the smoke from a campfire. It no longer has a hold on our mental and emotional faculties. Futility

and meaning have an inverse relationship; the more meaning we find in life, the less futility there is.

A life full of meaning extinguishes a life of futility.

In her assignment for this segment, one of my previous students made a profound observation

about futility. She wrote: "Futility is the great destroyer of potential.” —Dr. Elle Hutchins, 2019

Futility Is Futile

When we consider the following evidence, we begin to see that the only thing that is futile is

futility itself. I will discuss this concept from two standpoints. First, from a position that this life is

all there is; and secondly, from the position that our consciousness survives the death of the body.

Contemplate these three arguments against an attitude of futility if this life is all there is:

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1. What matters most in our life is not the mistakes we make, but how we live our life overall.

People will always make mistakes, but what counts is that we not practice making mistakes

through carelessness or by not growing as individuals. It is good and noble to live life in such a

way that we do not cause others conflict, in other words, do no harm. After all, what right do

we have to cause others pain? Life is hard enough. We need to ask ourselves, “Do I make life

easier or more difficult for others in general? Am I predominantly a taker, or a giver?” If all we

ever do is “take from the woodpile,” we eventually deplete it. We lose friends, spouses, part-

ners, and relationships, then blame others for “abandoning” us.

Author Alfred Armand Montapert, in his book, The Supreme Philosophy of Man,1 writes

about a motto that he has over his desk. It says:

"When the one Great Scorer comes to write against your name,

He writes—not that you won or lost—but how you played the game."

Whether you believe the “Great Scorer” is God, your Higher Self, or the Universal Con-

sciousness, it is our character that truly plays the biggest role in whether we find meaning or

futility in our lives. What matters most in the end is the contribution we have made to the

world by playing the game of life honorably.

Abraham Lincoln was truly a man of strong character and true greatness. He once made a

statement that has come to be my motto in life: "Die when I may, I want it said of me, by

those who know me best, that I always plucked a thistle and planted a flower when I thought

a flower would grow."

2. Believe it or not, we can make a difference to somebody. I used to be of the opinion—right

or wrong—that one person could not really make any difference. I read many self-improvement

books and articles telling me just the opposite. But I still held the opinion. Then one day in

1999, I believed.

I was about to do some work on my computer, when I discovered that my then 12 year-old

son, Michael, had not closed out a couple of school homework assignments he had been work-

ing on. As usual, I began to save and close each file when I came across a report that he had

written for his Language Arts class. It was about his "Hero." This is what he wrote:

My dad is a hero for many reasons. He has done many things in his life. He has

been to different countries… Here are some reasons why he is a hero.

He then went on to describe some of the intense and personal difficulties he and I had

faced while trying to help his mother (my late, ex-wife) overcome alcohol addiction. He then

continued:

I admire him for acting so calm in this situation. He is definitely a hero for going

through all this and still being able to help people. I am surprised he is still sane.

I admire him a great deal. I believe he is one of the true heroes on earth.

Sometimes, it is difficult to see things any other way than futile when we face so many

problems in life. This was a time in my life when everything seemed utterly futile—that life

simply had no redeeming value. I felt that life’s “return on investment” was lousy. My son and

1 Prentice-Hall, 1970, 1977.

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I were going through serious life problems stemming from his mother dealing with substance

abuse. As one can imagine, it is a most difficult thing to go through, especially when we factor

in one’s religious upbringing and belief systems, which can and did cause major conflicts. It is

also difficult to face up to the destroyed relationships to which such abuse leads.

When I read my son’s paper on his “hero,” tears welled up in my eyes. Of all the "Heroes"

out there, he chose me! In an instant, I knew that my life was worthwhile, if only to be there

for him. Oh, I used to “know” that he needed me, but what is so amazing is that I now knew

it down to my very soul. Now I could look at life just a little bit differently, with a little more

bounce in my step; a little lighter song in my heart; and a much brighter sparkle in my eyes.

Because after all, I am Michael’s “Hero.” Lo, I am saved from futility.

While it may be rare that a single person can change history by their actions, it is not

uncommon for people to make a difference in the life of somebody, or in fact, many.

3. It does matter that we have lived! Mary, who made the above mentioned internet posting,

also wrote that it doesn’t matter who we are because we all die. Is this true? No! It does matter

who we are and how we live! Does it matter that our parents lived? How about our grandpar-

ents? How about our ancestors? I think that we would all agree that it does matter that they

lived, otherwise, we would not be here! What about all of the great men and women who have

lived? Many made great contributions to the world by having lived. Where would we be if

Einstein, Edison, or Lincoln had not lived? Isn't the world a better place because Florence

Nightingale, a dedicated nurse and pioneer of sanitation and hygiene, lived? Yes!

However, Mary does make a good point. Why not live each day like it is our last? We never

know if we will "die early," (and remember this: anytime we die—it's early!)

My dad used an illustration when I was young about our lives being an open book. When we

start the day out, the page is blank. By the end of the day, the page is full of what we did

that day. The beautiful thing about it is that we make the choice of what is written in that

book. It can be good or bad; right or wrong; beneficial or not. It is up to us.

So if we have the power to choose what is written in the book of our lives, then why not

make it a best seller? Why not give deep consideration as to how you will spend your days in

a meaningful way and transcend futility by adding to the "woodpile of life?"

The Ultimate Futility Killer—Survival of Consciousness

So is death the ultimate futility? In light of the foregoing, No! "But isn't death the end," you say?

Who knows? Not one single person now alive can prove what happens to us after we die. No one has

gone there and come back with proof positive. However, compelling evidence from thousands of Near

Death Experiences (NDE) and, even more compelling, “Shared Death Experiences”1 provide convincing

evidence that our consciousness does indeed survive the physical death of the body.

Life after “death” being the case, some people might be tempted to conclude: “Why bother with

this life at all? It’s nothing but pain and suffering. Let's just get it over with right now so we can go

on to a better place.” Such an attitude may imply that this life is the ultimate futility and completely

unnecessary. However, such people are missing the point that the very fact that we live on after

1 Please read the excellent books, Life after Life and Glimpses of Eternity, by Dr. Raymond Moody for more information

on NDE’s and Shared Death Experiences. Both books are available online or in book stores.

Segment 5: The Search for Meaning

death is the very reason why futility is futile and the very reason why we should find deep meaning

in it. How so? If we live on after death, then why separate the before and after? Is it not actually one

life simply with different experiences much like a book is one book with different chapters? We are

who we are; and it doesn’t matter whether we are in the flesh or in the spirit, we still must fulfill

our nature and the compulsion to grow and evolve as sentient and eternal beings; we must still dis-

cover more about the essence of our true nature and consciousness, and our place in the Grand

Scheme of Things.

The foregoing can be summed up in the immortal words by Pierre Teilhard de Chardin, a 20th

Century French philosopher, paleontologist, and Jesuit priest, “We are not human beings having a

spiritual experience; we are spiritual beings having a human experience.”

So it becomes quite clear: We are who we are, and we do the best we can regardless of where we

find ourselves at the moment. We make meaningful contributions to humanity in any one of numerous

ways, small or large; we leave a lasting legacy as to our goodness and kindness; we leave our positive

mark upon the world. In these ways, our lives have deep meaning and futility has no hold on us!

ADVERSITY AND MEANING

Have you ever sat in a busy place, and just watched people? People are certainly interesting, and

by watching them, you can get a better sense of the human condition. Regardless of the issues that

separate people, one thing remains—we are all human beings. If you take the time to really look into

people's eyes, you will behold a disturbing reality: At some point in life, each one of us have been in

the very clutches of despair; cut to the heart with pain; tears streaming down our face; and unsure

of the right path to take. Lurking deep inside of each one of us are our uncertainties; our fears; our

pain. Try as we do to hide it, no one is exempt.

Many years ago while facing a very difficult situation, my dad gave me some sage advice that can

only come from someone who has been there and done that; someone who has looked adversity

square in the eye and overcome it. As I waited with bated breath, he bestowed his grand wisdom

upon me. With a deliberate and slightly cheerful tone of voice, he said, “Don’t worry son, the first

hundred years are the hardest.” I laughed at what he said, but the real tragedy of those words began

to come through. The truth is that each one of us must face day-to-day disappointments and failings,

and unforeseen happenings. Furthermore, we have all made our fair share of mistakes and blunders.

What a shame it is that for many, many people, the first hundred years are the hardest. But I ask,

“Why does it have to be this way?” It doesn’t! We do not have to settle for or surrender to a life of

intense hardship!

Defining Adversity and Empowerment

How do we take a firm stand against adversity to not only find meaning, but empowerment as

well? First, we must understand exactly what adversity and empowerment are. As I’ve mentioned in

previous courses, adversity occurs when something in our lives is in a state of disorder. Empowerment

results when "that something" is restored to a state of order. Lack of order robs us of precious energy

and emotional strength. The more in our life that is out of order, the less power we have. Stated

another way, adversity is the by-product of a chaotic situation. It is the anguish and frustration we

feel. When the situation is restored to its proper order, the adversity gives way to empowerment.

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To illustrate, what is the first thing you do when you walk into a dark room? Turn on the light,

right? When you flip on the light switch, you are empowering the light to shine, and when a light bulb

is shining, it is in order. Conversely, when a light bulb is not shining or is burned out, it is in disorder.

Why? Because the purpose of a light bulb is to shine and illuminate a room. So when a light bulb is

not shining, it is not fulfilling its purpose.

Now if I ever so gradually dim the lights over an extended period of time, you will probably not

notice until one day you say, “This room is just not as bright as it used to be.” But when you look at

the light bulb and see that it is still burning, you might conclude that the light bulb is not the problem

and look elsewhere only to fail in finding a long-term solution.

We are a lot like that light bulb. Life's challenges have a way of dimming our spirit at times. When

life becomes disordered in some way, our "light" starts to dim. Moreover, if the adversity (or disorder)

goes on too long without relief, we can even burn out. Certainly, at times the storms of adversity can

hit us all at once. But many times, one little adversity piles on another until one day we say, “I just

don’t have the power I used to have.”

If you think about times you’ve overcome adversity, you’ll realize that you resolved it by putting

things back in their proper order. In his article, Advantages of Adversity,1 Paul D. Friederichsen writes

about the three “I’s” of adversity:

1. Adversity is Inevitable. It visits everyone at some point; no one is immune.

2. Adversity is Invaluable. It allows us to grow and evolve.

3. Adversity is not Invincible. We can overcome it using the indomitable power of the human

spirit.

Just like the light bulb, we too have a purpose in life to fulfill—to shine on the world in some

unique way and delivering Greatness every day. However, when we face adversity, that is, when

something or several things in our life are in a state of disorder, our spirit grows dim and we lose our

power. It's like walking into a dark room, but not being able to find the light switch.

When Our Problems Consume Us

One of the hardest things to do is to get beyond our troubles mentally or emotionally. Even with

the acceptance that we cannot control others, we can become totally consumed with our problems.

It eats away at us like a cancer from the inside. We become helpless and confused. We become

emotionally immobile, which is almost like an addiction in and of itself. My mother once told me that

enduring fierce problems was like holding up a wall against a strong wind. When the wind stops

blowing, you topple over with it. Our problems can "topple" us over if we are not careful.

I personally experienced this phenomenon over a decade ago. I was ineffective, lost, disillusioned

and confused. I would go to my office, sit in my chair and stare at the walls, being totally unable to

make myself do what I needed to do. Even though I was in sore financial straits and desperately

needed to earn a living—it didn’t matter—I could do nothing, for I was consumed with the alcoholic

behavior of a person close to me who was hell-bent on ruining my life, or at the very least, trying to

make it miserable—and it was working. Day after day, I would sit there and find every excuse in the

world to avoid doing what I needed to do. I had lost my power. I was going nowhere at sonic speed. I

1 http://www.truthfulwords.org/articles/adversity.html.

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was suffering from a kind of Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome and had shut down emotionally. The

situation was further exacerbated by the fact that I was in sales, but didn't have the emotional

strength to be motivated and positive. The winds of adversity had toppled me over.

Being consumed with our problems results from intense adversity and is a form of self-pity. How-

ever, by saying "self-pity," I do not want to minimize the impact or the seriousness of a situation that

causes us emotional immobility. One time a person told me that I needed to not “wallow in self-pity.”

Frankly, I was greatly disturbed, even offended. “Me? wallowing in self-pity? Never!” Then I began to

be honest and wondered, “Could it be true? Could I actually be wallowing in self-pity?” No matter

how much I resented it or denied it, it was true to an extent—even though I was not consumed with

self-pity, it was playing a role in my inability to function. And to be fair, unless you’ve stood in the

shoes of someone in a dysfunctional alcoholic or abusive relationship (and the person above had not),

it is impossible to fully understand just how devastating such a thing can be. Since these people are

missing the qualia of the situation, it is easy for them to tell another to “stop wallowing in self-pity.”

Nevertheless, I was affected to the extent that I still chose to allow it to continue which contributed

to my immobility.

Another ingredient that contributes to emotional immobility is playing the role of the victim.

Granted, it is not easy to be victimized in some way, whether from an abusive person or an alcoholic,

but at some point, we must resolve to give up the role of the victim. When we play the victim, our

power completely drains out of us like water down a sink. We end up whining to everybody that we

come in contact with—which just makes our problems even more firmly entrenched in our own mind.

In order to play the victim, we must dwell on past injustices which really means that we are living in

the past. Playing the victim also requires a large amount of self-pity.

There is something about self-pity and the victim role that makes us want to shout to the world,

"Hey! Look at all of the terrible and unjust suffering I have been through! Poor, poor me for having

to endure this torture!" And while we may think it makes us feel better to "talk" (whine) to others

about our adversity, they are thinking, "Join the club! We all have undeserved adversity. But some of

us just push ahead, learn the meaning contained in it, and move on."

One trait of a superior person is not complaining about his or her trials. Alfred Armand Montapert,

in his book, The Supreme Philosophy of Man mentioned above, wrote:

HE IS A VALIANT MAN INDEED WHO CAN SUFFER WITHOUT TOO MUCH COMPLAINING; who

can be patient when misunderstood, who, when maligned, slandered and falsely accused

can keep his heart free from resentment and to bring him whatever vindication he

needs. THERE IS NO EXPLANATION QUITE SO EFFECTIVE AS SILENCE. Explanations rarely

explain. Those who demand explanations usually have their opinions formulated before

you begin to explain. IF YOU ARE RIGHT YOUR LIFE WILL DO ITS OWN EXPLAINING. IF

YOU ARE WRONG YOU CAN'T EXPLAIN. So, go calmly on your way and forget everything

but the business of right living—and let time explain you. [Emphasis his.]

How to Find the "Light Switch"

Now that we know the true nature of adversity and empowerment, what do we do about it? Un-

fortunately, since adversity comes in all shapes and sizes, there is no single cure-all. Each situation

will require a different and unique solution. There are, however, several things to keep in mind that

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will help us to view adversity properly which means we will be much better equipped to find a solution

and thereby find a deeper meaning in life.

1. Having a proper attitude toward adversity. It has been well stated that “it is not what hap-

pens to us that matters, but rather, how we react to what happens to us.” Further, we must

understand this crucial point: Our problems have no life of their own. The only life they have

is the life that we give to them. Thomas A’Kempis, a 13th century monk, made an interesting

observation. Adjusted for Modern English, he wrote, “What hurt could it do you if you would

just let it pass and make no account of it? Could it even so much as pluck one hair from your

head?”1

That’s a good question. Are our troubles so bad that they could yank even one hair from

our head? Likely not. While possible, rare it is that our troubles are so bad that we will be

injured or die from them. We probably won’t be tortured, imprisoned, or burned at the stake

for them either. It becomes clear then—we really need to bring our troubles into perspective.

After all, how bad can it be? Do our problems really matter that much in the Grand Scheme

of Things? When we are consumed with our own troubles, consciously or not, we believe that

our problems are somehow the most important in the universe. The truth is that they are not.

Even though our problems may be the most important ones to us, the fact remains that no

matter how we slice it, there will always be somebody with worse problems than ours.

Theodore Roosevelt bestowed great dignity on our human suffering when he said:

It is not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man

stumbled, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit

belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; whose face is marred by dust

and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly, who errs and comes short again and

again; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, and spends himself

in a worthy cause; who at the best, knows in the end the triumph of high achieve-

ment; and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so

that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither

victory nor defeat.

We may find a certain comfort in knowing that when we endure hardship, we take our

proper place among the great ones who really know what it is like to have and have not; to

achieve and fail; to “know victory and defeat.” In the same line of thought, Nelson Aldrich, a

contemporary of Roosevelt who was also a politician in addition to being a businessman wrote,

“They fail, and they alone, who have not striven.” Interestingly, Aldrich clashed with Roose-

velt on a number of political issues, but both men were in total agreement when it came to

success and failure.

2. Learning the lessons in the adversity. In the book, As a Man Thinketh,2 James Allen very

insightfully states, “Man is where he is that he may learn that he may grow; and as he learns

the spiritual lesson which any circumstance contains for him, it passes away and gives place

to other circumstances.” How true!

1 For more on Thomas A’Kempis and his writings, see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thomas_%C3%A0_Kempis. 2 This eBook is included in Course G160: Metaphysical Laws of Attraction and Abundance.

Segment 5: The Search for Meaning

Consider: A person may be fighting some type of adversity, self-induced or not. But when

he or she learns the lesson contained in the challenge, the challenge simply moves on, making

the way for yet another (and hopefully less difficult) challenge. But if we do not learn from

our trials in life, then of what value are they? It is like investing years of effort and hardship

to build a beautiful mansion, and then abandoning it, never to enjoy its magnificence and

security. Why would we ever do that?

Remember that we each have the human-right of free will. But we must exercise that free

will and choose to benefit from our lessons in life; we must learn more about who we are from

them. James Allen also wrote, “Circumstance does not make the man: it reveals him to him-

self.” Adversity is not so much about contending with trouble as it is learning more about what

is hidden inside of us. Adversity can bring out the best and the worst in us, our “true colors,”

but it can also cast an illuminating light on life’s deeper meanings.

Viewed properly, adversity engenders empathy and compassion in us for the human condi-

tion. This in turn inspires other virtuous qualities in us, which in turn can lead us to deliver

greatness to the world in our own unique way.

3. Quit living in the past. What is done is done, and neither you nor I can do anything to change

even one second of the past, let alone past events. Our experiences are who we are—they

have made us. Everyone has painful experiences. That is a large part of what shapes us. We

need our painful experiences and adversity to be who we are; otherwise we would be someone

different, and perhaps not as good. Therefore, we must live today and look to the future

without keeping one foot in the past.

4. Focus on a healthy outcome. I learned a valuable lesson I learned several years ago regarding

focus and achievement. The lesson is to focus on what you want, not on what you may have

lost or what you don’t have. Since your mind always works to bring reality into line with your

vision and deepest held beliefs, don’t give any mental energy to what you don’t have, or what

you don’t want, otherwise, that’s what you’ll get. Focus your mental energy instead on what

you do want to happen; a positive and healthy outcome.

Since discovering this technique of focusing on what you want instead of what you don’t

have, I have read it in quite a few different places. It seems I am not the only one to have

discovered this truth. The best expression of this principle that I have seen is by Talk Show

Host and Author, Dennis Prager. He calls it “The Missing Tile Syndrome” and it makes enormous

sense in this context. Please view the video of the same name on the course page for an

excellent explanation of this principle.

5. Make the effort to be less consumed. This is something we have to work at each day, even

each hour if necessary. When we catch ourselves becoming mentally and emotionally con-

sumed with our problems, we need to make a firm decision to change our thoughts. When we

change our thoughts, we change our beliefs. As we do this, we gradually become less and less

consumed and more productive.

Meditation exercises can and should be used to help you focus on healthy and appropriate

things. Something else that may help that I have found enormously useful is a Focus List or

File. This is discussed in Course G130: Life Management Skills –Problems, Goals, and Time. A

Focus List is a collection of solid rationales, reasons, quotes, affirmations and stories of why

we should or should not do something or behave a certain way. It is critical for our Focus List

Segment 5: The Search for Meaning

to have real meaning to us personally. For example, at the time of my most intense adversity,

my list contained things I had read or come across that made real sense to me, and therefore

moved me within. This is where the Focus List gets its power. In fact, your list will only be as

powerful as the meaning you put into it. It has to be stirring for you, not anyone else. It must

contain truths that made you say, “Aha!” when you read them. By consciously focusing our

mind on specific things, we begin to have better control over our thoughts.

The best way to use your Focus List is to start the day in a quiet room with no one around.

Then read from your list aloud and focus on why you should be consumed with positive and

productive interests, and the advantages of not being consumed with your troubles. Use this

before your mediation so it is fresh in your mind. Then incorporate pertinent points in your

meditation.

Use your Focus List along with a micro-meditation whenever you feel stressed to stay fo-

cused on positive results, outcomes, solutions, etc. It is critical that you do not slack off in

reviewing your Focus List often and regularly. I did, and I found myself right back where I

started. You must keep it in the forefront of your mind so you don't relapse. But even if you

do, that's okay, just start again. And with each successive attempt, you will stick with it

longer.

6. Lastly, the passing of time may be the best cure of all. It probably will take a little time

before we start to feel more like normal. But even with all the techniques we might use to

reclaim our power, it seems that it will only happen when we once and for all get tired of

living this way, and this will come in time. It is up to us. Sometimes we relish our misery; we

love our pain. But we need to break off the relationship we have built with our pain before it

kills us too.

When We Cannot Help Ourselves

Occasionally, we face more difficult trials that might be beyond a cure. Perhaps an impossible

situation has arisen with which we cannot change or even cope. What can we do?

First, we need to determine if we have truly exhausted all possibilities and solutions. Many times,

the solutions are there, we just can’t see them. We need to look at the situation from all angles,

perhaps with a fresh perspective. Brainstorming with a trusted companion may yield some answers

and a direction that may have escaped us. Never forget that sometimes, the solution you are looking

for lies outside of your belief system. You will have to explore disabling beliefs that keep you enslaved

to adversity and change them.

Unfortunately, beyond doing all we can to help ourselves and seeking help from others, we may

have little choice other than accept our circumstances. And with acceptance, comes power. In honest

and total acceptance of the fact that we no longer have control over a particular situation, person,

or circumstance, we acquire awesome power. We receive calm and poise. We begin to feel as if we

may just be able to make it after all. We begin to see that essentially, we alone control our circum-

stances. If we cannot control a particular circumstance, then the time has come to change that

circumstance to one that we can control.

If we apply the techniques herein, we take a huge step forward in overcoming our difficulties. And

if we foster the right mental attitude, then we can learn the great lessons life harbors just for us

thereby adding to the overall meaning we take from life.

Segment 5: The Search for Meaning

Adversity Builds Character

When I was a young man, about 13 or 14 years of age as I recall, my father took me aside and

showed me a piece of paper. On the paper was "A Father's Prayer," written by the late General Douglas

MacArthur. My dad asked me to read it, and then went over several lines that were important to him—

words that he wanted to embed in my being. Here is that prayer:

Build me a son, O Lord, who will be strong enough to know when he is weak and brave

enough to face himself when he is afraid;

One who will be proud and unbending in honest defeat, but humble and gentle in

victory;

Build me a son whose wishes will not replace his actions; a son who will know thee;

and that to know himself is the foundation stone of knowledge;

Send him, I pray, not in the path of ease and comfort, but the stress and spur of

difficulties and challenge; here let him learn to stand up in the storm, here let him learn

compassion for those who fail;

Build me a son whose heart will be clear, whose goal will be high; a son who will

master himself before he seeks to master others; one who will learn to laugh, yet never

forget how to weep; one who will reach into the future, yet never forget the past, and

after all these things are his, this I pray, enough sense of humor that he may always be

serious, yet never take himself too seriously;

Give him humility so that he may always remember the simplicity of True Greatness,

the open mind of True Wisdom, the meekness of True Strength; then I, his father, will

dare to whisper, “I have not lived in vain.”

My dad was most interested in the part about “not sending him into the path of ease and comfort…

but… let him learn to stand up in the storm… let him learn compassion for those who fail.” Now I

know why he was so interested in that part.

Due to the adversity our family had been facing for a number of years from my mother’s alcohol-

ism, my dad was trying to build character in me as well as prepare me for life. He did not realize the

lasting effect MacArthur’s words would have on me. They instilled in me an aspiration to a higher

standard; an ambition to a higher ideal. Inside, something changed in me that day, something that

told me I could make a difference, but I did not recognize it until I was well into my thirties. Many

times, I have reflected back on those words of encouragement, and have been sustained when I was

deeply distressed.

Dad also told me that he hated to see me go through difficult problems, but he wouldn't change it

for the world, because of the character-building benefits of adversity. I now feel the same way—I

would not trade my life's most difficult problems for any amount of money! (nor would I give a nickel

to relive any of them!)

Adversity is powerful, and can build great character in us. Adversity teaches us higher human

virtues, such as empathy and compassion for others. Adversity also teaches us endurance. It gives us

the necessary coping skills to face future trials that may be even more severe. Do these traits not

give us a deeper and more compassionate understanding of the human condition? Indeed, they do;

and this, in turn, adds deep meaning to our lives.

Segment 5: The Search for Meaning

Incidentally, if our life is relatively problem-free, we need not go in search of adversity simply to

build character. What is vitally important is our disposition—who we are inside and how we view life.

If we meditate deeply about the severe trials others are facing, we can benefit from their adversity.

We won’t have their qualia, but by putting ourselves in their place, we can develop empathy and

compassion for the trials they face and ponder how we would react given the same circumstances.

The worst thing that we can do is ignore the plight of others. We must sincerely feel for others in

their trials, and express this compassionate feeling to them when appropriate and healthy. In this

way, both parties benefit tremendously.

Finding Meaning in Our Suffering

In trying to overcome adversity, many have labored over such age-old dilemmas as, "Why do good

people suffer and die?" Though there have been many attempts to come up with a reasonable and

satisfying conclusion, so far, none has presented itself.

Perhaps a more reasonable question would be, "Can there be any meaning in our suffering?" In our

quest to make our lives more meaningful, we must also come to understand that adversity can have

deep meaning, and steer us in the right direction. But we must learn how to manage ourselves under

the burden of adversity in order to gain the most good and meaning from it.

Viktor Frankl, in his book Man's Search for Meaning, noted: "That is why man is even ready to

suffer, on the condition, to be sure, that his suffering has a meaning." We have discussed many of

the qualities that bring meaning to our suffering. Whenever we see a person that we consider to be

very kind and loving, it is a sure bet that they have seen intense adversity in their lives at one point

or another. The beautiful thing is that this person undoubtedly made the choice to benefit from the

adversity, and not allow it to make him or her callous to another's suffering.

It is true that sometimes we just cannot change what happens to us, or, on rare occasions, change

the circumstances we have to endure. However, I believe that numerous times we may think that our

circumstances are beyond our control, but could change them if we really wanted to. Truthfully, we

may simply associate too much pain with changing our circumstances and fool ourselves into thinking

that we’re stuck, and so do nothing. Sometimes the pain of staying the same is less than the pain of

change. But it doesn’t have to be that way!

We don’t necessarily have to accept all the circumstances we endure. Ongoing problems feed an

attitude of futility. Remove the problem, and remove futility. Let’s not be our own worst enemy.

Never do we want to be a martyr for no reason. If we are going down, then let it be for some profound

and noble purpose. Otherwise, don’t go down! There is simply no reason for it. Don’t be a martyr for

no good reason! Most of the time, we can change our situation and our life for the better—it may just

take time, effort and courage.

Many people, such as Viktor Frankl himself, have endured some of the most heinous adversities

that can be visited upon any human—they survived Nazi concentration camps. The reason that they

were able to do so was because they had strong belief in themselves and/or God, and therefore found

intense meaning in their suffering.

There is no reason why the "first hundred years have to be the hardest." The very situation or

circumstance that robs us of our meaning in life is the very source from which our meaning originates.

We too can find intense meaning in the lessons of life that come our way in the form of adversity.

Segment 5: The Search for Meaning

Will we learn from them? Or will we simply not give it a second thought? Remember, we must learn

the lesson contained in any adversity, then it will pass, making way for new lessons. But if we never

learn the lesson, it is likely that we will have to face the same adversity over and over again through-

out our lives. Remember the wise maxim, "If nothing changes, nothing changes." If we don't change

our own behavior, then we cannot expect our circumstances to change. Why not choose to learn life's

lessons and make forward advancement?

If we do this and learn all that life has to teach us, then we truly will arrive at a place that few

reach—the greatest heights of human virtue and enlightenment. We become the epitome of inner

strength and beauty; we achieve Self-Completeness. And, as Roosevelt stated above, our "place shall

never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat."

Segment 5 Supplemental Video: Interview with Dr. Viktor Frankl

NOTE: Before proceeding to the next section, please watch the video above on the

Course Page for a supplemental discussion of this section. This video is part of the

course.

DEALING WITH GRIEF AND LOSS

When we as human beings experience a loss of things precious or important, we naturally go

through a grieving process. This process can range from a momentary letdown to an extreme emo-

tional collapse taking years to overcome. It primarily depends on who we are individually, and the

degree of loss.

To be sure, I have experienced my own pain and grief over the years from a variety of situations,

but especially when I reinvented myself completely back in 1999. I didn’t like those feelings—includ-

ing the depression that was so often inherent. I felt conflicted many times—I wasn’t even sure why I

was grieving. After all, I had not only left a cult but also a toxic alcoholic relationship that nearly

killed me, and now life was much happier and peaceful. Even after many months—even years—I had

moments of pain over the family, friends, and relationships that I lost. So why was I grieving, even if

sporadically?

Because I am human.

I came to believe in the power of giving yourself permission to be human. So, I gave myself per-

mission to feel my pain and grieve my losses. I took the time—at whatever moment those feelings hit

me—and I experienced them for all they were worth. I embraced them, relived them, caressed them,

explored them, cried if I had to, and came to know them in the fullest sense of the word. Then, I

made a conscious decision to release them and move on.

I believe the reason that we continue to experience these feelings of pain and grief is because

they still contain energy—unresolved energy. By consciously embracing and experiencing these feel-

ings and then consciously releasing them and moving on, we process them internally, which weakens

and depletes them of their energy. As their energy is depleted, we begin to experience these feelings

less often.

Segment 5: The Search for Meaning

I still occasionally have painful dreams of people I lost when I reinvented myself in 1999. Some-

times, I even wake up with tears in my eyes, and a pain in my heart. I then take the opportunity to

revisit and feel the dream; I strive to remember every detail, and then I compare it to my present

reality to understand why I dreamt it. I feel the pain, grieve the losses, and then release them. I

move on. By doing this, these painful dreams have greatly subsided over the years to the point that

they are very rare. And to be sure, I am far happier now than I’ve ever been. I would never trade my

present life for my former life, no matter who was in it.

The idea is to consciously and deliberately give these feelings the attention they demand, or they

will continue to appear regularly in our lives and in our dreams. They can even manifest in our bodies

by way of ill health, and a plethora of other ailments. Once you have given them your full attention,

make the conscious and deliberate decision to release them (the feelings). Let them go. You do this

through visualization and verbally saying, “I release you.” Then, move on; move forward.

The next time these feelings hit you (or right now if you feel them), listen to what your Higher

Self is telling you; feel the pain; grieve the loss. Experience your feelings for all they’re worth, and

then release them! Move on!

[See box below.]

Segment 5: The Search for Meaning

In Memory of F. Richard Kelley (June 6, 1932 - October 29, 2002)

I wrote this poem for my late father, F. Richard "Dick" Kelley, on the day of his death and it won the Edi-

tor's Choice Award from Poetry.com. Even in death, he still teaches me a lot about life. —Doug Kelley

ADVERSITY’S SURRENDER: REQUIEM FOR A MAN

After the Rain, Calm quickly descends,

The gale of Unrest no longer wins.

Out of the Shadows, sweet Truth is discerned,

Lessons ignored become life-lessons learned.

The Tempest has indicted; the Man declines defeat:

“Your wrath equals not the renaissance of my peace.”

—For you, Dad; I will see you on the other side. Doug Kelley, October 29, 2002

EXPLANATION

After the Rain, Calm quickly descends,

Dad always spoke of the “rain” (adversity) when trying to encourage others who were going through hard times.

He also said “too much sunshine makes a desert;” therefore, we need some “rain” in our lives to refine us. But

the “Calm” after the storm has now descended for him.

The gale of Unrest no longer wins.

When there is rain, there is usually a storm; it is a period of windy unrest. It seems that Dad’s life was not in want

of the “gales of Unrest,” i.e., adversity. But now, that adversity no longer prevails.

Out of the Shadows, sweet Truth is discerned,

Dad wrote in his notes, “We ought not live in the shadow of our worst moments.” Whether this is his thought or

whether he read it somewhere, it is profound. Most—if not all of us—live in the shadow of our worst moments, and

therefore, our self-esteem takes a beating. I perceive that Dad recognized this “sweet Truth” in himself, and—

although difficult—he tried to rise above it.

Lessons ignored become life-lessons learned.

As with all human beings, Dad learned many lessons—some of them repeatedly. And to be sure, there is no shame

in making mistakes as long as one learns from them. For, in reality, there are no mistakes, just learning opportu-

nities.

The Tempest has indicted; the Man declines defeat:

It seems that there is no end to Adversity’s heavy hand in life. Adversity is like a “Tempest,” in essence accusing

us of being frail; of being easily blown away. In a very real sense, Adversity “indicts” humanity with ultimate

failing. Whether we actually win or face defeat is entirely up to us individually. Even though disease took Dad, he

did not give in; his spirit was not broken. Therefore he could say,

“Your wrath equals not the renaissance of my peace.”

The “wrath” of the storm is simply no match for the newfound peace that Dad now has, albeit in death. It is a

“renaissance,” or a period of rebirth and revitalization for him. Dad had a hope, and regardless of what the future

may bring, I trust he will be able to put his lessons and life-experiences to good use on the other side.