Review of Documented Argument Draft April

Example Post 1

The first area in my documented argument that needs revising is the second half of the first paragraph. “What most people do not realize is that they do enjoy creating things, “If you are a baker or a cook, if you like to arrange flowers, if you enjoy the harmonious arrangement of objects in your home, you are an artist” (Child Development Institute, 2018).” I used a direct quotation in plans of it assisting the main topic of my paper. The problem is that I did not have A thesis statement before this for it to assist. I can improve this paragraph by constructing a strong thesis statement that explains the topic of my paper and making sure it corresponds with the quote.

The second area that needs revising is the topic of the fourth paragraph. “The second essential is that music is one of the major forms of art and probably one of the most appreciated. Music is loved by musicians and non-musicians alike. Although learning to play does make the experience much better, you do not have to be able to play music to love it. If a kid refuses to learn art or drama, they should most definitely take music lessons.” The main topic of my paper was art, I went off course and started on the subject of music. To fix this I could intertwin music as a form of art instead of making it a separate topic, or I could expound more on art and forget about the topic of music completely.

Example 2

My current rough draft of “A High Smelling Controversy” has a plethora of subjects to choose from in order to improve upon it. The first and most obvious, is that I wrote it with the idea of it being a rough draft in mind. This leaves large sections flawed and allows a lack of direction throughout the essay that could have been avoided from the start by focusing on a completed essay when I began writing. Errors such as an unclear and questioning thesis statement (the first major issue addressed by prof. Hess) “Is marijuana a dangerous schedule one drug, or is it a misrepresented alternative to drugs that have stronger adverse effects on the body and mind?” are more than trivial issues. By correcting this sentence and portions of the paragraph it resides in, I could easily create a better map of my essay/ That would allow me to have better direction as I continue expounding upon my topic as well as provide clearer direction for the reader as they try to follow my thoughts and research. Lastly, I believe that I could better work on the ideas for my over-all arguments; this is another issue that was addressed as a leading problem in my essay by prof. Hess. While there is no exact portion of my essay that displays this in its entirety, it is evident when read as a whole. The problem is that I do not have main points for my paragraphs, other than vague ideas referring to the fact that there is evidence for each side as I lead into the argument for the side that I am currently discussing. This needs to be changed into clear ideas and sections. Each paragraph ought to be tackling its own portion of each arguments main idea, creating building blocks that lead to a complete and strong set of information regarding both sides of the main controversy.