5.1

14

Liberating Marriage and Partnership

When contemporary feminist movement was at its peak the institu­

tion of marriage was harshly critiqued. The entrance of many het­

erosexual women into the movement had been sparked by male

domination in intimate relationships, particularly long-time mar­

riages where gender inequity was the norm. From the onset the

movement challenged the double standard in relationship to sexual­

ity which condemned females who were not virgins or faithfullov­

ers and spouses while allowing men the space to do whatever they

desired sexually and have their behavior condoned. The sexualliber­

ation move ment strengthened feminist critique of marriage, espe­

cially the demand for safe, affordable birth control.

Early on feminist activists focused so much attention on private

bonds and domestic relationships because it was in those circum­

stances th at women of all classes and races felt the brunt of male

domination, whether from patriarchal parents or spouses. A woman

might assertively challenge a sexist male boss or stranger's attempt

to dominate her, then go home and submit to her partner. Contem­

porary feminist;', both those heterosexual women who had come

from long-time marriages and lesbian allies in struggle, critiqued

78 DOI: 10.4324/9781315743189-14

2 0 1 4 . R o u t l e d g e .

A l l r i g h t s r e s e r v e d . M a y n o t b e r e p r o d u c e d i n a n y f o r m w i t h o u t p e r m i s s i o n f r o m t h e p u b l i s h e r , e x c e p t f a i r u s e s p e r m i t t e d u n d e r U . S . o r a p p l i c a b l e c o p y r i g h t l a w .

EBSCO Publishing: eBook Collection (EBSCOhost) printed on 5/19/2025 8:31:56 PM UTC via CERRITOS COMMUNITY COLLEGE 864857; bell hooks; Feminism Is for Everybody : Passionate Politics Account:ehost.

79 LIBERATING MARRIAGE AND PARTNERSHIP

marriage as yet another form of sexual slavery. They highlighted the

way traditionally sexist bonds led to marriages where elements of in­

timacy, care, and respect were sacrificed so that men could be on

top - could be patriarchs ruling the roost.

Early on many feminist women were pessimistic about men

changing. Some heterosexual women decided th at they would

choose celibacy or lesbianism over seeking after unequal relationships

with sexist men. Others saw sexual monogamy with men as rein­

forcing the idea that the female body was property belonging ta the

individual male she was bonded with. We chose non-monogamous

relationships and often refused ta marry. We believed living with a

male partner without state-sanctioned marriage within patriarchal

society helped men maintain a healthy respect for female autanomy.

Feminists advocated demanding an end to sexual slavery and called

attention to the prevalence of marital rape while at the same time

championing the rights of women to express sexual desire, initiate

sexual interaction, and be sexually fulfilled .

There were many heterosexual men who embraced feminist

thinking precisely because they were unfulfilled sexually in relation­

ships with partners who were not interested in sex because they had

been taught virtuous women we re not sexually active. These men

we re grateful to feminist move ment for offering a liberatary sexual

paradigm for female mates because it ensured that they would have

a more fulfilling sex life. By challenging the notion th at a woman's

virtue was determined by her sexual practice feminist thinkers not

only taok away the stigma attached to not being a virgin; they placed

female sexual well-being on a equal par with that of men. Urging

women to no longer pretend that they were sexually fulfilled when

this was not the case, feminist movement threatened to expose male

sexual shortcomings.

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80 FEMINISM IS FOR EVERYBODY

To defuse this th re at sexist men continually insisted that most

feminists we re lesbians or that all any feminist woman needed was

"a good fuck" to put her back in her place. In actuality feminist re­

bellion exposed the fact that many women were not having satisfy­

ing sex with men in patriarchal relationships. In relationship to

intimate bonds most men were more willing to embrace feminist

changes in female sexuality which led women to be more sexually

active than those changes which demanded of men a change in their

sexual behavior. The absence of sexual foreplay was a much dis­

cussed issue when feminist agendas first focused on heterosexuality.

Straight women were tired of male sexual coercion and lack of con­

cern with female pleasure. Feminist focus on sexual pleasure gave

women the language to critique and challenge male sexual behavior.

When it came to sexual freedom women made great strides. The

critique of monogamy has been forgotten as the prevalence of sexu­

aily transmitted diseases has made it more difficult for females to

choose sexual promiscuity. The prevalenee of life-threatening dis­

eases like AIDS, which tend to be more easily transmitted male to

female, in a patriarchal culture where men are encouraged to lie to

women, have made it harder for heterosexual women to choose a

variety of partners. Clearly, when the emphasis is on monogamy in

heterosexual bonds within patriarchy it is often harder for couples

to break with sexist paradigms. Concurrendy within patriarchy

many individual feminist women found that non-monogamous rela­

tionships often simply gave men more power while undermining

women. While women will freely choose to have sex with a man

who is partnered with another woman, men will often show no sex­

ual interest in a woman who is partnered. Or they will continually

concede power to the male the woman is partnered with, even going

so far as to seek his approval of their involvement. Despite these dif­

ficulties, women having the freedom to be non-monogamous,

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81 LIBERATING MARRlAGE AND PARTNERSHIP

whether we exercise that freedom or not, continues to disrupt and

challenge the notion that the female body belongs to men. Like all

the positive changes produced by feminist critique of sexist notions

of sexual pleasure it has helped create a world where women and

men can have more satisfying sexual relationships.

At first it appeared th at changes in the nature of sexual bonds

would lead to other changes in domestic relationships, that men

would also do an equal share of household chores and child care.

Nowadays so many males acknowledge that they should do house­

hold chores, whether they actually do them or not, th at young

women see no need to make sharing chores an issue; they just accept

this as a norm. Of course the reality is that it has never become the

norm, that for the most part women still do most of the housework

and child care. Overall men were more willing to accept and affirm

equality in the bedroom than to accept equality around housework

and child care. Not surprisingly, as individual women gained in class

power many women deal with inequity by hiring caretakers to do the

tasks neither they nor male partners want to perform. Yet when a

heterosexual couple pays help to do the tasks sexist thinking defines

as "female" it is usually the woman who employs the help and over­

sees dus work.

More than any factor the feminist critique of mothering as the

sole satisfying purpose ofa woman's life changed the nature of mar­

riage and long-time partnerships. Once a woman's worth was no

longer determined by whether or not she birthed and raised children

it was pos sibie for a two-career couple who wanted to remain child­

less to envision a peer marriage - a relationship between equals.

The absence of children made it easier to be peers simply because

the way in which patriarchal society automatically assumes certain

tasks wil! be done by mothers almost always makes it harder for

women to achieve gender equity around child care. For example: it is

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82 FEMINISM IS FOR EVERYBODY

very telling that in the wake of feminist movement the patriarchal

medical establishment which had previously downplayed breast­

fee ding suddenly began to be not only positive about breast-feeding,

but insistent. This is just one aspect of child-rearing that automati­

cally places more responsibility on the birthing female whether she

is heterosexual or lesbian. Certainly many wamen in relationships

with males often found that having a newborn baby plummeted

their relationships back into more sexist-defined roles. However

when couples work hard to maintain equity in all spheres, especially

child care, it can be the reality; the key issue, though, is working hard.

And most men have not chosen to work hard at child care.

Positively feminist interventions called attention to the value

and importance of male parenting both in regards to the well-being

of children and gender equity. When males participate equally in

parenting, relationships between wamen and men are better,

whether the two parents are married or live together or separately.

Because of feminist movement more men do more parenting than

ever before, yet we have not achieved even a semblance of gender

equity. And we know that this equal participation makes parenting a

more positive and fulfilling experience for all parties involved. Of

course the demands ofwork often create the obstacles to more par­

ticipation in child care by working parents, especially men. Until we

see major changes in the way work is structured timewise, we will

not live in a world where life is designed to allow men the time and

space to parent. In that world men might be more eager to parent.

But until then, many working males who are overtired and under­

paid will all too willingly accept a woman doing all the child care,

even if she is overtired and underpaid. The world of work within

white supremacist capitalist patriarchy has made it harder for

women to pare nt fully. Indeed, this reality is leading women who

might choose a career to stay home. Rather than sexist thinking

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83 LIBERATING MARRIAGE AND PARTNERSHIP

about male domination becoming the factor which takes women

out of the workforce and puts them back in the home, it is the fear

th at we are raising a society of "parentless" children. Many women

find competitive careerism leaves little time for nurturing loving re­

lationships. The fact that no one talks about men leaving work to be

full-time parents shows the extent to which sexist thinking about

roles prevails. Most people in our society still believe women are

better at raising children than men.

To a grave extent women, who on one hand critiqued mother­

hood but on the other hand also enjoyed the special status and privi­

leges it gave them, especially when it came to parent-child bonding,

were not as willing to relinquish pride ofplace in parenting to men as

feminist thinkers hoped. lndividual feminist thinkers who critiqued

biological determinism in every other area often embraced it when it

came to the issue of mothering. They were not able to fully embrace

the notion that fathers are just as important as mothers, and can par­

ent just as weil. These contradictions, along with the predominance

of sexist thinking, have undermined the feminist demand for gender

equity when it comes to child care.

Nowadays mass media continually bombards us with the mes­

sage that marriage has made a comeback. Marriage never went out

of fashion. Often when people proclaim that it is making a comeback,

what they really mean is that more sexist-defined notions of marriage

are "in" again. This fact is troubling to feminist movement because it

is just as clear today as it was yesterday that marriages built on a sexist

foundation are likely to be deeply troubled and rarely last. Traditionally

sexist marriages are more and more in vogue. And while they tend to

breed the seeds of misery and dissatisfaction that served as a catalyst

for feminist rebellion in domestic relationships, the factor that

breaks with tradition is that these bonds are often severed quickly.

Folks marry young and divorce young.

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84 FEMINISM IS FOR EVERYBODY

Patriarchal male domination in marriage and partnerships has

been the primary force creating breakups and divorces in our soci­

ety. All recent studies of successful marriages show that gender eq­

uity creates a context where each member of the couple is likely to

be affirmed. This affirmation creates greater happiness, and, even if

the marriage does not last forever, the peer friendship that has been

the foundation of the bond continues. Significantly, in future femi­

nist move ment we wil! spend less time critiquing patriarchal mar­

riage bands and expend more effort showing alternatives, showing

the value of peer relationships which are founded on principle,s of

equality, respect, and the belief that mutual satisfaction and growth

are needed for partnerships to be fulfilling and lasting.

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