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Life Direction

Support System

Self-Support

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“People begin to become successful the minute

they decide to be.” — Harvey Mackay

(syndicated columnist and author of five business bestsellers)

What does this quote suggest

about the nature of success?

What would it take to make that kind of decision, and then really

stand behind it?

How can simply deciding to be

successful actu- ally start to make us successful?

Chapter 3 / Creating Success

Success means different things to different people. It can involve having a certain amount of money or material comfort, the love of family and friends, good health, a fulfilling career, knowl- edge, social status, adventure, wisdom, or any combination of these or other things. While pictures of success vary greatly, we all tend to experience it in much the same way, as a deep sense of satisfaction at having accomplished something we set out to do. It leaves us feeling good about ourselves and like we are capable of further fulfilling our potential. Success, how- ever, is not a solid, fixed destination; we may reach a place we had aimed for but then find that challenges arise, or that we simply want to go further. Life is not static, it keeps moving, which makes success a process we’re engaged in throughout our lives.

Depending upon our life circumstances up until this point, it may seem as though we’ve had few real choices. We may feel we’ve done the best we can with what we’ve been given, but are ultimately just being carried along by a stream of circumstance. We may see success as avail- able to others, but unattainable for us. The truth is, however, that each of us is already starring in our own success story. That story is what has brought us to where we are today—working this very moment to improve ourselves and our lives. Our success story may not be readily apparent, but when we take stock of everything it took to get us to the point we’re at right now, wherever that may be, it’s clear that we already have many of the ingredients we need to succeed.

Unless we’ve led a fairy tale life, every one of us has survived hardship, disappointment, disil- lusionment and heartache. Every one of us has faced significant obstacles and challenges that we eventually overcame through the force of our will. Our will is the most powerful of all hu- man tools, and one whose only master is us. We’ve already put that will to work in improving the way we see ourselves (our self-picture), the way we look at the world (our outlook), the way we communicate with ourselves (our self-talk), and the way we communicate with others (our self-expression). Already well on the road toward success, we’re now in a position to do what’s necessary to create the kind of life we can feel truly good about.

Though we’ve all shown the drive and will to keep on trying, we may not have had a conscious life direction, goals, or plan on how to achieve them. In the next section, Life Direction, we’ll fig- ure out what success means to each of us, and lay the groundwork for achieving that success. In Support System, we’ll spend some time thinking about how other people can play a part in our success, and in Self-Support, we’ll determine what we need to do to reduce stress, manage our emotions and stay motivated.

Creating Success

Self-SupportSupport System

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become aware

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become aware

In the Become Aware section, we will identify those things that contribute to success, and begin to get a sense of how well we are supporting success in our own lives.

Become Aware Make Choices Support Your Choices

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Maya Angelou was born Marguerite Ann Johnson on April 4th, 1928, in St. Louis, Missouri to working class parents. When she was three, her parents’ marriage broke up, so young Maya and her older brother were sent to live in Stamps, Arkansas with their grandmother. Although life in Stamps brought Maya face to face with prejudice and racial dis- crimination, her grandmother would instill in the young girl a sense of cultural heritage and personal strength. Four years later, Maya’s father showed up out of the blue, and sent her and her brother back to St. Louis to live with their mother.

At age eight, Maya suffered abuse at the hands of her mother’s boyfriend. After telling her family, the man was brought to court and found guilty, but sen- tenced to only one night in jail. Four days after his release, he was beaten to death. The young Maya assumed that her words had killed him, and she became mute for nearly five years.

Not long after this tragic event, Maya and her broth- er moved back to Stamps, where Maya would meet Bertha Flowers. Ms. Flowers was a family friend and teacher who would expose Maya to a wealth of literature, nurture her creativity, and eventually help her to find her voice again. At age thirteen, she and her brother rejoined their mother in San Francisco. Maya went to high school, worked hard, and got a scholarship to study dance and drama at the Cali- fornia Labor School, a progressive institution whose ideas would shape much of Angelou’s later activ- ism. Maya dropped out of high school for a time to become San Francisco’s first female, African-Amer- ican streetcar conductor. She eventually returned to school, and though she became pregnant her senior year, still graduated with her class.

At the age of seventeen, Maya was a single mother on her own, moving around the country trying to support herself and her son. Without job training or advanced education, she worked variously as a cook, waitress, and even as a prostitute, all the while learning by trial and error and nurturing the desire to perform. She married in 1952, and as she

earned more success as a nightclub singer and dancer, changed her professional name to Maya Angelou. The marriage ended, and Angelou— touring Europe as a singer, studying dance with leading figures of the day, and recording her first album—struggled to find a balance between being a successful performer and a good mother.

In the late 1950s, Angelou moved to Harlem, New York, and had success as an actress, often writing and performing her own work. Wanting to hone her skills as a writer, she became involved in the Harlem Writers Guild; at the same time she began working in the Civil Rights Movement. The early 60s saw her married and then single again, living in Cairo and Ghana, working as a newspaper editor, playwright and arts instructor, studying hard and mastering nu- merous foreign languages. In 1964, she moved back to New York to fight for civil rights alongside Mal- colm X and, after his assassination, worked closely with Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Overcome with emo- tion over his assassination (on her birthday), and encouraged by friend and author James Baldwin, Angelou poured her grief out onto the page. The results would become the internationally acclaimed autobiography, I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings (1970), and bring Angelou to national prominence.

Dr. Maya Angelou currently has over 30 published titles to her name, spanning a range of autobiog- raphies, essays, children’s books, and poetry. Her screenplay, Georgia, Georgia, for which she also composed the soundtrack, became the first movie written by an African-American woman ever to be filmed, and was nominated for a Pulitzer Prize. She holds over 30 honorary degrees, is a sought- after lecturer, and, in addition to being a three-time Grammy award winner, has continued acting in film and TV. Dr. Angelou is a recipient of the Presidential Medal of Arts and the Lincoln Medal, has served in national cultural positions under Presidents Ford and Carter, and famously read her poem, “On the Pulse of Morning,” at President Clinton’s inaugura- tion. She continues to inspire people around the world with her story, words, and wisdom.

Check it Out

The Story of Maya Angelou (world-renowned author, singer, actor, and the first African-American

woman to have her screenplay turned into a film)

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become aware

Talk (and Write) It Out Life Direction: While Ms. Angelou followed many passions and explored a variety of career paths, there were certain visions and goals she was committed to (e.g. caring for her son) that influenced the choices she made for herself and determined the direction of her life. Which of those stand out for you?

Support System: Who helped to support Ms. Angelou’s success along the way? What other outside resources did she make use of?

Many of us believe that the challenges we face will keep us from ever succeeding in life. Ms. Angelou is only one of countless examples proving that it is our attitude and our choices—not our challenges—that determine our ability to succeed. As Colin Powell, former four-star general and the first African-American Secretary of State has said: “There are no secrets to success. It is the result of preparation, hard work, and learning from failure.”

Final Thought

LIFE

Self-Support: What are some of the ways you think Ms. Angelous supported her own success (took care of and motivated herself)?

Now imagine for a moment that one of these elements were missing from her life. How might things have turned out differently for her if, for instance, she had no direction in her life, no support system, or offered herself no support?

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Exercise: Where I Am Now Like Ms. Angelou, everyone of you has faced challenges, obstacles, and setbacks—some quite significant. In spite of them, you have made it to where you are now, sitting in this class with a focus on building a better life for yourself. Without a close examination of your life, it can be hard to know just what it was that helped you to push through and keep going. The goal of this exercise is to give you a better sense of what has helped to support you thus far, and what you could further develop to better support your success in all aspects of your life going forward.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

Your Life Direction

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

Your Support Systems

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

Your Self-Support

Part 1: The Rating If you were to consider your life direction—any vision or goals you have for your life—how clear is it for you on a scale of 1-10?

Part 2: Take it Up If you gave an area a rating of eight or above, then that is likely an area that is supporting your success. A rating below eight suggests that the area that could benefit from improvement. Write below any that fall into that category, and anything you can think of that might help to improve the rating (e.g. making new friends might strengthen your support system, while setting goals might help to clarify your life direction).

Now think about the support system you have in your life right now. It may be comprised of family members, friends, teachers, sports coaches, or anyone who supports your success in some way. On a scale of 1-10, how supported do you feel right now by the people in your life?

Finally, think about the support you currently give yourself—any ways in which you look out for and take care of yourself—and give that self-support a rating between 1-10.

Below 8 How to Improve

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make choices

In the Make Choices section, we take an in-depth look at

the three key strategies for creating success: having a life

direction, a strong support system, and self-support.

Become Aware Make Choices Support Your Choices

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Who’s Making the Choice? Whether we’re facing major life decisions or everyday ones, it can be difficult to know which of our inner voices is advising us on what to do. One way to help determine who’s ‘speaking,’ is by giving our decision a Success Check with the question: “How well does this choice support my success? Does it contribute to my life direction, support system, and/or self-support?” Generally speaking, coach-influenced choices come as a result of taking all possible benefits and consequences into account.

Let’s say, for example, that we just got an invitation to a party being held the night before a big test in our least favorite class. We really feel like we need some social time, but we also know that if we don’t study, we’ll fail an important test. The critic’s message might be that if we stay home we’ll be missing out, and that studying won’t help us anyway, so we should just go and have a good time. Our coach, on the other hand, encourages us to consider our goals and needs, to prioritize what’s really important, and then (s)he helps us to strike a balance. (S)he knows that a good grade is important to our career success, but also that the stress-reducing benefits of being social are important to our quality of life; the final decision may then be to spend one hour studying, one hour at the party, and to get to bed early.

Success as Viewed by the Critic/Coach

The Critic

The Coach

The critic doesn’t believe in success. To the critic it is a pipe dream, an impossibility, and everything (s)he says to us about success will reflect that mistaken belief. The critic sees no value in having a life direction because (s)he doesn’t think we have any control over our lives; why bother having dreams or making plans if they will never be realized? The critic also ignores the need for a support system, believing that no one else can or will help us anyway. (S)he sees no point in self-support since stress and overwhelming emotions are the norm for him/her, and motivation is certainly not necessary without faith in the potential for success. The critic encourages us to make choices (or not make choices) out of deeply-held doubts and fears—fear that we’re not good enough, smart enough or capable, fear of failure and of success, fear of trying new things and taking a chance by saying yes or saying no.

The good news is that the critic has a formidable and well-equipped opponent in the coach.

Our coach believes wholeheartedly in success and in our ability to achieve it. (S)he knows the value of defining success for ourselves, and actualizing it with a life direction. (S)he recognizes the necessity of having a support system in place, with outside assis- tance and ongoing support in the form of friends, allies, and resources—both those we have now, and the many we will develop along the way. Finally, (s)he understands how crucial it is to our success to give ourselves the greatest degree of self-support, with im- mediately accessible tools for reducing stress, managing our emotions, and keeping us motivated even when things get rough. Knowing that every choice we make can either promote or hinder our success, our coach encourages us to make choices based on the empowering core belief that we have everything we need to create the life we want for ourselves.

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“Efforts and courage are not enough with- out

purpose and direction.”

What does it mean to have a life direction? It means knowing where we want to go and using all available means to get there. We establish this direction by creating a vision of what we want for our future (based on things we most value), setting goals to help us bring that vision to life, and creating a plan of action to enable us to reach our goals. As was illustrated in Maya Ange- lou’s story, we are not at the mercy of fate; our decisions have a great deal to do with how our life turns out. Though Ms. Angelou faced many seemingly insurmountable obstacles, and made some potentially detrimental life-choices early on, she consistently challenged herself to rise above her circumstances and took the necessary steps to get back on track. In order to be ‘on track,’ however, Ms. Angelou had to know where she was going—she had to have a life direction.

Ultimately, having a life direction means being clear about what we really want and committing to doing whatever’s necessary to manifest that. On the most basic level, this is something we do every day: if we want to feed ourselves, we commit to making enough money to buy food; if we want to keep our job, we commit to showing up every day and doing our work. In the same way, if we want to create a better life for ourselves, we need to identify exactly what ‘a better life’ means, and then commit to doing whatever is necessary to make that happen. By doing this, we are actually sending out a powerful message to the world that we are ready for positive change. Just by determining a life direction, even before making any significant life changes or taking any big steps, we may notice that we are drawing people and opportunities into our lives that support our new vision for ourselves.

Remember that success is a process, and we, the creators of our success, are works-in-prog- ress. We are learning and growing on the way toward achieving our goals; we don’t need to feel 100% sure of ourselves every step of the way, nor do we need to fret about taking a step off track here or there. As Ms. Angelou’s life demonstrates, if we are unhappy with the direction our life is going in right now or at any point in the future, we always have the option of redirecting it by consistently making choices that support our values and further advance us toward our goals. As long as we have a plan in place, we’ll know that we have the support needed to get us back on track and moving in the right direction.

What Works: Life Direction1. LIFE

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“There is more to us than we know. If we can be made to see it, perhaps for the rest of our lives we will be unwilling to settle for less.”

Check it Out

Zainab Salbi grew up in the oppressive and often violent Iraq of Saddam Hussein. Al- though she escaped to the U.S. at the age of 19, growing up under these conditions made her sympathetic towards the plight of women in all war-torn countries. Though she didn’t know just how to go about it, Salbi wanted badly to help heal both the countries ravaged by war, and the women living in these countries, suffering injustice. She envisioned a world in which women could connect across social, cultural and political boundaries to support, strengthen, and empower one another, turning former victims into active citizens. In 1993, Salbi turned this vision into Women for Women International. As written in the Washington Post, she believed that, “by strengthen- ing women, her organization [could] help rebuild communities and nations.” Women for Women International now operates in eight countries, and has empowered over 153,000 women to take back their lives and become self-sufficient through interna- tional “sister-to-sister” sponsorship, local job training, small business loans, politi- cal rights awareness, and more. Included among the many honors and awards that Zainab Salbi and Women for Women Inter- national have received for their work is a 2006 Conrad N. Hilton Humanitarian Prize, the world’s largest humanitarian award.

In order to achieve success, we need to know what it means to us, or what it looks like. By harnessing the power of our imaginations, we can create a detailed picture in our minds of a successful life. While that picture may seem like just a dream, it is really much more; it's our life's vision.

We often use the terms ‘vision’ and ‘dream’ interchangeably. A dream, however, tends to lack clear boundaries or definition, which can make it feel more like a fantasy than anything really possible. A vision, on the other hand, is something we can optimistically (but realisti- cally) see as a possibility. It can be as big and glorious as a dream, but it comes with a framework and foundation. We might think of this vision as a focused fantasy of our future, painted with clear, distinct lines; it’s defined enough that we can place it in a frame, hang it in a permanently visible place in our minds, and look at it whenever we want to remind ourselves of what’s possible.

Having a vision may seem like a luxury, but it is actually a necessity if we want to create a successful life for ourselves. As Zainab Salbi's story illustrates, a vision can act as a powerful, driving force in our lives, giving us the strength and inspiration to make even the seemingly impossible a reality. With a clear vision, we live our lives with a greater sense of purpose, inspiring those around us to better their lives as well.

A. Vision

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Exercise: My Vision

Reading over what you've written, is there anything else you want to change or add? Perhaps there is a talent that you’ve been neglecting, a hobby you’d like to devote more time to, things you’ve always been interested in but have never explored, or some kind of civic contribution you’d like to make.

Part 1: Picture It

In this exercise, you’re going to write out what you ideally want your life to look and feel like three years from now in terms of family, friends, health, finances, career, education, creativity, adventure, and hobbies. While this is an ideal picture, try to keep it realistic (e.g. not imagining yourself as a rock star if you’ve never sung). NOTE: You may first want to take a few minutes to close your eyes and get a mental picture. Then, let yourself free-write—that is, allow the ideas to flow without editing or pausing. Be descriptive and specific, writing in the present tense, as though this vision were already a reality (e.g. “I have...”, “I feel...”, or “I am...”).

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Part 2: Highlight

Reading over Part 1: Picture It a second time, circle any of the things you wrote that really stand out for you as key points (e.g. “I have a great job,” “I am healthy,” “I feel good about myself,” etc.) and write them below.

Part 3: Identify Your Values

Now you’re going to put your Highlights into one of the Value Categories below (feel free to add other categories if needed). For instance, if you 'highlighted,' “I live in a beautiful house,” that suggests you value your physical environment, so you would place a check mark next to that value. If you listed, “Spending time with my chil- dren,” then you would put a check mark next to the value Family Life. Once you’ve tallied up all your Highlights, circle the three with the most check marks. This gives you a sense of what you most value right now, and will help you set your goals for the future.

• ____________________________

VALUE CATEGORIES

Family Life

Kids Activities

Home Life

Social Life

Career

Professional Development

Physical Health (eating well, fitness)

Psychological/ Emotional Health

Hobbies

Personal Growth

Education

Civic/Community

Volunteering/Helping Others (volunteering or making a contribution in any other way)

Leisure Activities (watching TV, web surfing, video games, reading, listening to music, going to the movies, shopping, etc.)

Creative Pursuits (writing, art, dance, theater, music, etc.)

Religious Activities

Physical Environment (the way your home, work space or neighborhood look)

Adventure

Money

Quiet Time

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Exercise: Time Management Snapshot This exercise will help give you a sense of how you’re spending your time, with the goal of identifying the activi- ties and commitments that are and are not supporting your values and the success you envision for yourself.

Part 1: Where Does the Time Go?

Below you’ll find a list of some common activities and commitments (most of which line up with the Value Cat- egories from the previous page). Make a check next to those that apply to you—that is, anything that you spend time on. NOTE: There may be some categories that overlap for you. If that’s the case, make a check mark next to all that apply. For instance, if the company you work for is paying for you to take a computer skills class, you would make a check next to Career, Professional Development, and Education.

❏❏ Family Life: Anything done with family members (e.g. having dinner, watching TV together, taking a walk)

❏❏ Kids Activities: Any activity your children are involved in that require your time

❏❏ Home Life: Home-based activities (e.g. cleaning, organizing, fixing things, laundry, decorating)

❏❏ Social Life: Social activities (e.g. dinner with a friend, a party, going to a football game with friends)

❏❏ Career: Time you spend at a job or on job-related commitments in your chosen field

❏❏ Other Work: Any other income-producing work you do (freelance or odd jobs)

❏❏ Professional Development: Any career-related skill development

❏❏ Physical Health: Anything you do to improve your physical well-being (e.g. working out, playing sports, dancing)

❏❏ Psychological/Emotional Health: Anything you do to improve your psychological or emotional well-being (e.g. therapy, support groups, self-help reading)

❏❏ Hobbies: This can be anything from stamp collect- ing, sewing, comic book reading, or model build- ing, to race-car driving

❏❏ Quiet Time: Time you spend by yourself reading, thinking, meditating, or taking a walk

❏❏ Personal Growth: Any class, reading, or other activity you engage in for the purpose of self- improvement

❏❏ Education: This can include in classes, work- shops, one-time seminars, studying, and other educational reading

❏❏ Community/Civic: Any community-related activities, including events, fundraising, benefits, walkathons, activism

❏❏ Volunteer: Anything you do in a volunteer capacity, whether it’s an official position or regu- larly helping an elderly neighbor with her grocery shopping (this can include community-related volunteer work)

❏❏ Leisure Activities: The things you do for fun excluding hobbies (e.g. watching TV, web surfing, video games, light reading, listening to music, going to the movies, shopping)

❏❏ Creative Pursuits: Any sort of creative activity (e.g. writing, art, dance, theater, music)

❏❏ Religious Activities: Services or other religious activities

❏❏ Online: Email correspondence, listservs, forums, mailing list or Google/Yahoo/other group

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Part 3: Evaluation

Circle the three areas you’re focusing the majority of your time and energy on.

Which of these areas are supporting the top values you identified in your My Vision exercise?

_________________________________________________________________________________________________

Which of these areas is not supporting the top values you identified? For instance, if you listed your career as a top value. but you see that you are spending twice as much time hanging out with friends than you are on your professional development, then your current use of time is not supporting your values.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________

Now list, in order of importance, the areas you want to focus more of your time on. (This will help you as you’re setting your goals later in this chapter.) ________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________________________

Part 2: The Past Week

Now, review the things you checked off on the previous list, and try to estimate how many hours you spent on each of these things during the last week. For instance, if you spent two hours doing laundry and one hour cleaning the house, then that would be three hours in the Home Life category. If you spent two hours at the movies and two hours reading, that would be four hours in the Leisure Activities category. Following the example in the bar chart below, first list the activity on the bottom of the chart, then fill in the bar up to the corresponding number of hours you spent on it (found on the right side of chart).

E x a

m p

le : F

a m

ily L

ife

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B. Setting Goals Research by Dave Kohl, professor emeritus at Virginia Tech and a well-known business con- sultant, suggests that people who write down their goals earn nine times as much over their lifetime as people who don’t. Yet, 80 percent of U.S. residents say they don’t have goals, 16 percent have goals but don’t write them down, and only 4 percent write down their business

Track It Once we’ve established what our big goals are, we need to determine exactly when we want (and can realisti- cally expect) to achieve them. For example, if our goal is to be a well-paid, traveling nurse and we are currently in school to become a nurse’s assistant, then we need to factor in the time it will take to complete our current program, get into and complete the subsequent nursing program, study for and pass our licensure exam, and get some experience under our belts before applying for the desired position. Factoring all these things in, we may decide that this is a five-year big goal. That may feel like a long way away, so we both support and track our progress toward achieving our big goal by giving our- selves 'supporting goals.' These are smaller goals with clear deadlines in the more immediate future. Using the same example, we might have as a supporting goal to complete our current nursing assistant program in one year’s time and get top grades in all of our classes. If our big goal were to be in top physical condition within one year, we might have as some of our supporting goals to quit smoking in three months, cut out red meat com- pletely in six months, and be exercising for two hours, three times a week by the nine-month mark.

S.T.A.R Goals While a vision is a big picture view of the way things ideally could be, goals are Specific, Trackable (able to be measured), Ambitious, and Realistic accomplishments that, when achieved, help make our vision a reality. The following guidelines will help us to develop these kinds of goals.

Goals Are a Commitment that Pays Setting goals allows us to take control of our lives by focusing our attention and our choices on specific actions and accomplishments that lead toward a desired outcome. Instead of feeling like we are just being carried along by a stream of circumstance, when we put goals in place, we are in the driver’s seat, striving for and directing our will towards an end result that we know will improve our lives. It is not always easy to accomplish what we’ve set out to do, but committing to achieving our goals is something we will never regret. Goals pay off, and not just in the long run, but on a day-to-day basis as well. Every day that we keep our commitments—even if it’s as simple as studying for 30 minutes, smoking one less cigarette a day, or having a tuna sandwich instead of a burger for lunch—we remind ourselves that we are capable of accomplishing what we set our minds to, and that we really care about improving our lives. This provides lots of motivation to keep at it!

Get Specific Goals are the stepping-stones that lead us to the life we want for ourselves. In order to create these stepping-stones, we need to know what they’re made of and where to place them. For instance, if in our vision for the future we are happy, we need to determine exactly, specifically what we would need to be happy. These specifics— whether it’s being in top physical condi- tion, having a fulfilling career as a medical assistant, or having a supportive, close- knit family—are what we’ll refer to in this chapter as big goals. These are the ‘big’ or significant achievements we’re working towards in our lives. The more specific we are about our goals, the easier it is to see what we need to do to achieve them. So instead of saying, “I want a good job,” we might say, “I want a well-paid, flexible job as a medical assistant." Instead of say- ing, “I want a nice house,” we might say, “I want a three-bedroom, Victorian house in a quiet neighborhood.”

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Staying on Track

Even with S.T.A.R. goals in place, at some point we all come up against things that threaten to derail us, whether it’s a situation, person, event, our own fears, doubts, or even an immediate desire that conflicts with our long-term plan for ourselves. Here are some tips for staying on track:

We don’t want to beat ourselves up if we happen to lose focus. Instead, we can reassure ourselves with the knowledge that we’re only ever a few steps away from getting back on track, and then reaf- firm our commitment to our goals with immediate action.

When presented with a tough decision or a new opportunity, we want to keep our goals in mind. Considering our options, we can ask ourselves, “Will this choice bring us closer or further away from our goals?” Although it may be hard to let a good opportunity go, it may not be so ‘good’ if it doesn’t support our vision for our lives.

We made our goals, and we have the power to change them. This is not to say that we shouldn’t take them seriously, but it is important to remember that they are flexible. If we don’t feel like we’re progressing, or if we've lost enthusiasm for our goals, it may be time to reexamine or revise them, or simply to adjust our deadlines for reaching them. When making these changes, however, we want to make sure it’s not the critic’s fear of hard work or aversion to change that’s influencing our decision.

Don’t go it alone. We are much more likely to follow through with our plans if someone else is hold- ing us accountable. Find a classmate, friend, or family member to share your goals with, and set up a regular schedule to check-in with and encourage one another.

Keep it Realistic While it’s important to set ambitious goals for ourselves, it’s also important to keep them within the realm of reality. We need to have more faith in our ability to achieve than we may previously have thought possible, still, we don’t want to set ourselves up for disappoint- ment by setting goals that are out of our reach. For instance, having a big goal of buying our $100,000 dream house within a year might not be realistic if we are currently making $25,000 a year. With a good plan in place and lots of supporting goals, however, buying our dream house in five years time might be entirely re- alistic. A helpful Reality Check question might be: “With consistent focus and hard work, will I be able to achieve this goal? If so, when can I realistically expect to achieve it?”

Be Ambitious Setting a specific date by which we want to have ac- complished a specific goal can be a little intimidating, and we might be inclined to give ourselves too much time, or to choose goals that we can easily accomplish so that we feel safe. The idea, however, is to set goals that push us out of our comfort zone and challenge us. By accomplishing ambitious goals, we not only make great strides toward self-improvement, we also send a reinforcing message (both to ourselves and others) that we are capable of doing what we put our minds to and of building a better life for ourselves. To keep us from getting discouraged, it can be helpful to enlist the support of others to hold us accountable for reaching our goals. For instance, we may want to ask a friend to check in on us every month or so to see how we’re progressing. Even if we’re frustrated, or not yet where we want to be, their encouragement can motivate us to keep going.

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Exercise: Setting Goals This exercise will give you an opportunity to get specific about how you want to make your vision a reality according to those things you’ve identified as being most important to you. First, choose one value from your My Vision exercise that you’d like to create goals for right now, and write it next to Value on the following page. Then, using the example below as a guide, write in your Big (One Year) Goal box the one big accomplishment that would best express that value in your life. Next, write in the Supporting Goal boxes three things that would help you to accomplish that big goal over the next year. While the big and supporting goals are set up here as one year and 3, 6, & 9 month goals, they may take more or less time to fulfill; regardless, it’s important to have a deadline attached to them so you have something concrete to work towards. NOTE: While the example below has three distinct supporting goals, you can also arrange them to build upon one another (e.g. for Supporting (3 Month) Goal—exercise 1hr, 3x/wk, and for Supporting (6 Month) Goal—exercise 1hr, 4x/wk).

Supporting (3 Month) Goal:

Quit smoking

Supporting (6 Month) Goal:

Get to a healthy weight

Supporting (9 Month) Goal:

Exercise regularly 1 hr, 3x/wk

Date of Completion:

4/26/10

Date of Completion:

1/26/10

Date of Completion:

7/26/10

VALUE:

Health

Big (One Year) Goal:

To be in top physical condition Date: 10/26/10

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Exercise: Setting Goals

NOTE: Know that there may be things you really value but that are not attached to goals at this time in your life for a variety of reasons. If at any point along your journey it becomes clear that you need to express that value in action more fully, you can revise your goals accordingly. (This goal identification process can be applied to any area of your life.) You will also want to create a new Setting Goals sheet once you’ve reached your one year goals. You can find an additional Setting Goals sheet at the end of this chapter (along with another My Resources, Actions Steps, and My Monthly Plan).

Supporting (3 Month) Goal: Supporting (6 Month) Goal: Supporting (9 Month) Goal:

Date of Completion:Date of Completion: Date of Completion:

VALUE:

Date:

Big (One Year) Goal:

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C. Plan of Action

While our goals (both our big and supporting goals) are like the stepping-stones we lay down to help us realize our vision, our plan of action is the course we set to help guide us from one stepping-stone (goal) to the next. This course is made up of action steps, those one-time things and daily or weekly routine actions that get us from one goal to the next. For instance, if we have as a goal to exercise three times a week, the action steps might include joining the local gym, making an agreement with a friend to jog together every Monday morning, or signing up for a salsa dance class at the community center.

Even with well-defined goals, it is difficult to move forward without knowing exactly what we need to do. By having clearly laid out action steps, we take the guesswork out of meeting our goals. Now, planning out our time with this level of detail can feel a bit overwhelming at first; it may even seem as though we’re taking some of the fun out of life, but not so. In fact, the clearer we are about what we want and what we need to do to get it, the less time and energy we spend feeling stressed and anxious about our future, which ulti- mately translates into a far better quality of life.

Have you ever been in a classroom where the teacher was totally permissive, allowing the students to do whatever they pleased? If so, you may have found that, while it was fun at first, it ends up feeling like a big waste of time. Without structure, it’s hard to accomplish anything, and without accomplishments we can feel aimless

and eventually even hopeless. By putting a plan in place, we are giving ourselves the kind of struc- ture we need to move forward, grow, and feel good about our lives.

A plan of action also makes it easier to keep track of our progress on a daily and weekly basis by giving us immediate feedback about our choices, and whether they are or are not supporting our goals. So if we find that we are not reaching our goals, we can look to our plan of action to deter- mine exactly where it is that we’re having difficul- ty. From there we may choose to reevaluate our goals and possibly even create new ones.

Ultimately, a plan of action gives us a sense of purpose, as every day comes with a mission to accomplish. Even though there will be days when we drop the ball, we’ll know exactly what we need to do to pick it up again.

“Don’t say you don’t have enough time. You have exactly the same number of hours per day that were given to Helen Keller, Louis Pasteur, Michelangelo, Mother Teresa, Leonardo da Vinci, Thomas Jefferson and Albert Einstein.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr. (best-selling author of Life’s Little Instruction Book)

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Exercise: My Resources In this exercise, you’re going to brainstorm all the resources you have available to help you fulfill your support- ing goals. This can include people, places, and things (either those that you have in your possession or that you have access to).

Example 1: Supporting Goal: Exercise regularly 1 hr, 3x/wk Resources in Support of My Goal: Joan as a workout buddy, local gym, community center dance classes, motivation and exercse tips online.

Example 2: Supporting Goal: To quit smoking Resources in Support of My Goal: The smoking cessation program at work, Karen who's also quitting, my doctor, online smoking cessation resources/chat groups.

Resources in Support of My Goal:

Supporting (3 Month) Goal:

Resources in Support of My Goal:

Supporting (6 Month) Goal:

Resources in Support of My Goal:

Supporting (9 Month) Goal:

Resources in Support of My Goal:

Big (One Year) Goal:

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Exercise: Plan of Action First, write in the appropriate boxes the Value, Big (One Year) Goal, and three Supporting Goals you identified in the Setting Goals exercise. Then, using your My Resources exercise, and the example below as a guide, you're going to create action steps for each of your goals. These are one-time actions you can take and/or things you can do on a daily or weekly basis to help you achieve your goals. For your big goal action steps, keep in mind that you'll have already completed your three supporting goals; think about what extra things you might need to do in those last three months to reach your big goal. Once you have completed an action step, check it off and move on to the next one. You may also find that you are able to work on one or more action steps at the same time.

VALUE: Health

Supporting (3 Month) Goal:

Quit smoking

Supporting (6 Month) Goal:

Exercise 1 hr, 3x/wk

Supporting (9 Month) Goal:

Get to a healthier weight

Big (One Year) Goal:

To be in top physical condition

Action Steps:

1 Join a smoking cessation group.

Action Steps: Action Steps: Action Steps:

1 1 1

2 Cut down by one cigarette a day.

2 2 2

3 Take a walk instead of a cigarette break at work.

3 3 3

Jog 1 mile with Joan every Mon. morning before work.

Take aerobics class 1x/wk at the gym.

Go salsa dancing at the community cen- ter Thursday nights.

Replace usual burger at lunch with a tuna sandwich.

Make a shopping list of healthy alterna- tives to my usual snacks and desserts.

Jog 2 miles with Joan.

Cut out all fast food.

Start training for local marathon.

Date: 10/26/10 Date: 7/26/10 Date: 4/26/10 Date: 1/26/10

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Exercise: Plan of Action VALUE:

Supporting (3 Month) Goal:

Supporting (6 Month) Goal:

Supporting (9 Month) Goal:

Big (One Year) Goal:

Action Steps: Action Steps: Action Steps: Action Steps:

3 3 3 3

Date: Date: Date: Date:

1 1 1 1

2 2 2 2

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Exercise: Time Management Rx Making a plan also means that we need to make some changes—cutting back, cutting out, or adding activities and commitments to our schedule. This can be tough; as much as we want things to get better, many of us are reluctant, or downright afraid to make a change. With everything you just learned about your values and goals, look back at your Time Management Snapshot and consider whether or not you still agree with your original evaluation of your weekly activities. Then, fill in the Time Management Rx using the example below as a guide.

Cutting Down or Out When considering what non-essentials you could cut down on, or cut out altogether, it may help to ask yourself the following questions: How important is this to me? Is it in line with my values and goals? How would it affect my life if I stopped doing it? There may be things that you enjoy doing but that are taking valuable time away from more productive activities; see if you can commit to spending a bit less time on them. Try it for a week and see how you do without them. If you don’t miss them too much, then you’ll know it wasn’t something essential to your life right now. NOTE: Particularly if any of the commitments you’re thinking about eliminating involve other people, consider carefully the implications of your decision.

Activities to cut down on or cut out

Maximum amount of time per day or per week that I want to

spend on this activity is:

Any special arrangements needed to make that happen

Example: Facebook 10 minutes a day Set an alarm for 10 minutes

Things I want to do more of, or add into my schedule?

Time I want to spend on this activity

Any special arrangements needed to make that happen

Example: Practicing the guitar 3x/wk for 30 minutes Make agreement with my family

to have this as private time

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Exercise: My Monthly Plan Now you’re going to use your My Resources, Plan of Action and Time Management Rx exercises to help you create a monthly plan in support of your goals. First, choose two to three things you feel confident you can accomplish in the coming week and write them in Week One. Be sure to include those things you want to do every day or every week (e.g. study for 30 minutes a day). Then, follow the same method for weeks two, three and four. Once you’ve completed your My Monthly Plan, you can plug it into your date book. When creating your daily schedule, try to give yourself a realistic amount of time for each action step including travel and tran- sition time. NOTE: If you find that unforeseen obstacles or extenuating circumstances keep you from getting things done at the planned time, it’s okay to move them to the following week (do beware of excuses though!).

NOTE: At the end of this book you will find blank versions of the following exercises: Setting Goals, My Resources, Plan of Action, and My Monthly Plan.

Week 4Week 3Week 2Week 1

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Human beings, unlike many other creatures in the animal kingdom, need support from the minute they’re born. As we mature, we grow from being children completely reliant on others, to being self- reliant adults. Independent and self-sufficient as we may feel, however, we still need a support system to realize our full potential and create the best possible quality of life for ourselves. So what exactly does that mean, and who might be included?

Our support system is one of our greatest resources, and it’s made up of the people that promote and encourage our growth and success. This may include family, friends, teachers, coworkers, community members, mentors, religious leaders, supervisors, neighbors, and even pets or other animals in our lives. As this range indicates, this group is often quite diverse and growing all the time, an advantage that means we can rely on different people for different things, instead of depending on one person for everything all the time.

Even with our support system in place, it may still be difficult to acknowledge when we need a hand, and harder still to actually ask for it. However, the benefits can be immense. Utilizing our support system can help us to: get advice and perspective on challenging personal situations, give us an opportunity for healthy venting (a compassionate ear), stay safe in poten- tially dangerous circumstances, counter feelings of isolation, manage difficult people in our lives, better handle both emotional and physical challenges and concerns, organize and prioritize when our schedule is overwhelming us, and remind us that someone cares about us and has our best interest at heart.

In this chapter, we’re going to identify those people in our lives who are our best sources of support, as well as those people who may be acting as stumbling blocks in the way of our success. We’ll also figure out how to expand our network by examining what potential allies may currently be off our radar screen.

The following quiz has traveled the world and the web. Take it and see how you do:

1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world. 2. Name the last five Heisman Trophy winners. 3. Name the last five winners of the Miss

America Pageant. 4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel

or Pulitzer Prize. 5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award

winners for best actor or actress. 6. Name the last decade’s worth of World Series

winners.

The point: None of us remembers the headliners of yesterday. These are not second-rate achiev- ers. They are the best in their fields. But the applause dies. Awards tarnish. Achievements are forgotten. Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners.

Here’s another quiz. See how you do with this one:

1. List two teachers who aided your journey through school.

2. Name two friends who have helped you through a difficult time.

3. Name two people who have taught you something worthwhile.

4. Think of two people who have made you feel appreciated and special.

5. Think of two people you enjoy spending time with.

6. Name two people whose stories have inspired you.

Easier?

The lesson: The people who make a difference in our lives are not the ones with the most creden- tials, the most money or the most awards. They are the ones who care.

Check it Out

What Works: A Support System2.

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A. Identifying Allies and Saboteurs

Because most of us have many different kinds of relationships in our lives, it can be difficult to say definitively who is a part of our support system. We may think of our support system as simply being the people we spend the most time with, or perhaps we think of our family alone as our support system. One way of determining who already is, and who could become, a part of our support system is by looking closely at the people in our lives and asking ourselves whether they are: 1) an ally, someone we feel sure has our best interest at heart; 2) a saboteur, someone who sabotages us, either actively as a 'detractor,' or pas- sively as a 'negative influence,' or 3) an 'uncertain,' someone who goes back and forth between being an ally and a saboteur depending upon the circumstance. Let’s explore these categories in a little more depth to better identify which people in our lives might be play- ing which role.

Allies Allies are people who consistently make a positive contribution to our lives. They come in all forms, from all different parts of our lives (work, community, family, etc.). Whatever their generation or background, they tend to be people with whom we share a common set of values, particularly with regards to relationships and how we think people should be treated. Allies often make us feel better about ourselves, about possibilities for the future, and about life in general, and they directly or indirectly help support our goals. In the game of life, we can think of our allies as the people on our team, all of whom want to see us win. Just as with a sports team, however, each ally may have unique strengths and weaknesses, and we may come to depend on different people for differ- ent things. For example, we might call on a particular friend for compassion and advice during times of personal crisis, but we don’t call them when we’re overwhelmed because their methods for managing stress don’t work for us. We may find that an older relative doesn’t understand or relate to our current life

goals, and so can’t help with those specifically, but that we really value our weekly conversations with them as a reminder of their concern and love for us. We may be able to depend on some allies on a regular basis, while others may not be as accessible, though they can still be counted on when really needed.

Saboteurs Very simply, a saboteur is someone who sabotages us, whether intentionally or unintentionally, as we set and go after our goals. Most of us have at least one saboteur in our lives, though we may not realize it because they are often people we consider allies. There are those who intentionally try to sabotage us (who we’ll call 'detractors'), perhaps by mocking or poking fun at our dreams or actively putting obstacles in our way, and those who encourage our destructive habits, bring us down, and just generally have a nega- tive influence on our lives (who we’ll call 'negative influences'). It’s critical to our success that we identify the saboteurs in our lives and determine how best to diminish or eradicate their impact on our lives.

Detractors Detractors are the most actively negative people in our lives. They consistently make us feel badly about ourselves, our future, or life in general. Detractors may not relate to or understand our aspirations, so they tell us that our goals are foolish, impossible, or a waste of time, and often try to undermine us. For example, if we’ve made a commitment to quit smoking and are hanging around a detractor who smokes, they may continually offer us cigarettes, tell us it’s not really that bad for us, or make a big show out of “enjoying” their cigarette in front of us. Like the critic posing as the coach, detractors will often claim to have our best in- terests at heart, even when they criticize us and tell us that we’ll never succeed (e.g. “I’m telling you this for your own good.”). They may even believe it. Regard- less, it’s important that we see their behavior for what it is: sabotage.

“Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambi- tions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.” —Mark

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Negative Influences Negative influences may not stand in overt opposition to our goals, but their outlook and/or behavior none- theless inhibits our ability to achieve them. Typically, these types of saboteurs have a cynical or pessimis- tic outlook; as negative attitudes can be contagious, spending too much time with these people can be detrimental to our success. Negative influences can also come in the form of destructive behaviors; for instance, if we are trying to get our degree and need to devote much of our time to school work, socializing primarily with people who prioritize partying over edu- cation may make our goal of succeeding in school a more challenging one. As negative influences tend to lack goals or a life direction themselves, they may not understand or relate to ours; often these people don’t want us to change and/or simply don’t see the need for it. Also, because we may see in them aspects of ourselves that we want to change, negative influences can really get under our skin. As such, it can be dif- ficult to stay motivated or make constructive choices around them. Negative influences are not a lost cause however, and in the next few pages we’ll look at some tactics we can use to get them on our side.

Uncertains The uncertains are the people in our lives who can’t clearly be placed in either of these categories. Often this is someone who seems to make both positive and negative contributions to our lives in equal measure, or someone who, for whatever reason, we can’t quite get a handle on. This might be a boss who never gives us a hard time, but also never compliments our work, or a friend who always knows what to say, but who can never follow through because something always seems to get in the way. As we go about building and maintaining a healthy support system, it’s increasingly important to determine whether the uncertains are actually allies or saboteurs.

How Can We Tell The Difference? When we bring to mind anyone we spend a lot of time with, we probably get an initial gut reaction—the thought of them might, for example, make us smile, feel anxious, or comforted. Although this might be a reasonably good indicator of who is an ally and who is not, the distinction is not always an easy one to make. Sometimes the people we rely on and think well of are not actually looking out for our best interest, but be- cause we feel like we need them, we choose to over- look some of the telling signs. There are also those people who have offered a helping hand, but because we don’t believe we have much in common with them, we've never thought of them as an ally.

In determining what role someone plays in our sup- port system, it can help to set aside our feelings about them for a moment and take a close look at their ac- tions. As the saying goes, “actions speak louder than words,” and examining someone’s actions can tell us a lot about who they are, whether ally or a saboteur. If we’re wondering about someone specifically, we might try to be more observant when we’re around them, to take notice of who is consistently generous, helps others, and looks out for their friends, as well as those who regularly put other people down, and just generally don’t treat people well. No matter how cool these people may seem in other ways, unless their behavior changes dramatically, they are not likely to serve as allies in our lives.

We can’t forget our own part! In our efforts to determine whether someone is an ally or saboteur, it’s important to be honest about our own contribution to the relationship: are we acting as an ally for them, or are we possibly acting as a detractor or a negative influence in some way? By demonstrat- ing the qualities we most value in other people, we encourage them to do the same. Only then are we really able to see who’s who.

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Part 3: The Assessment

The following assessment will give you a sense of how much of a positive or negative contribution each of these people is making to your life. First, for each person, you’re going to add up the number of + answers you gave from Part 1 of this exercise and the number of Y (YES) answers you gave in Part 2, and write the number in the appropriate space below. Now add together the amount of – answers from Part 1 and N (NO) answers from Part 2 for each person, and write that number in. Finally, add up the number of +/- answers from Part 1, and S (SOMETIMES) answers from Part 2, and fill in the appropriate space. Multiply where indicated, add up each person’s total number of points, and then refer to the assessment below for an idea of how this person may be affecting your life. NOTE: For any of these people, you may want to add up to five points for any positive quality or contribution you feel is significant but was not brought out in the previous two exercises.

1-5 = Absolute Saboteur: This person is actively attempting to keep you from succeeding.

6-10 = Saboteur: Whether or not it’s intentional, this per- son is standing in the way of you achieving your goals.

11-15 = Mostly (or Potential) Saboteur: While this person may occasionally offer something positive, they more consistently make a negative contribution. Depending upon how much influence they have in your life, they could be standing in the way of your success.

16-20 = Saboteur/Ally: This person does make some posi- tive contribution, but just as often has a negative influence on your life, possibly acting as a detractor at times.

21-25 = Ally/Saboteur: This person makes both a positive and negative contribution to your life, but you see more potential for them to become an ally than a saboteur.

26-30 = Mostly (or Potential) Ally: Though certain things this person does or aspects of their personality may at times keep you from being 100% sure of their ally status, they likely bring a lot of good into your life.

31-35 = Ally: Though this person may not always express their support in the way you’d like, you know through their actions that they support your goals and want to see you succeed.

36-40 = Absolute Ally: You feel this person is absolutely on your team, has your best interest at heart, and will come through for you when you need them.

NOTE: Again, it’s important to ask: are we demonstrating the qualities we’ve identified as valuing in other people? If not, is it possible that doing so might bring out those qualities in them?

Person 1:

How many + and Y answers? ______ x 2 = _______ How many - and N answers? ______ x 0 = __0____ How many +/- and S answers? ______ x 1 = _______

TOTAL = _______Points

Person 2:

How many + and Y answers? ______ x 2 = ______ How many - and N answers? ______ x 0 = __0___ How many +/- and S answers? ______ x 1 = ______

TOTAL = ______ Points

Person 3:

How many + and Y answers? ______ x 2 = ______ How many - and N answers? ______ x 0 = __0___ How many +/- and S answers? ______ x 1 = ______

TOTAL = ______ Points

Person 4:

How many + and Y answers? ______ x 2 = ______ How many - and N answers? ______ x 0 = __0___ How many +/- and S answers? ______ x 1 = ______

TOTAL = ______ Points

Person 5:

How many + and Y answers? ______ x 2 = ______ How many - and N answers? ______ x 0 = __0___ How many +/- and S answers? ______ x 1 = ______

TOTAL = ______ Points

Scores

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The next step in creating a solid support system is figur- ing out how to use the information we’ve gathered thus far. With regard to our allies, it’s important to find ways of letting them know we appreciate the positive con- tribution they’re making to our lives; even a brief thank you note can really make someone feel appreciated and encourage their further support. With all those people we can’t confidently call allies, we need to determine how to either get them on our team, or, in the case of an absolute saboteur, simply lessen the negative effect they have on our lives.

Learn to identify them. We don’t always realize when someone is being a detractor. If it’s a close friend, family member, or other trusted person who is scoffing at our dreams, we may listen to what they’re saying without ever considering the dam- age it’s doing. The bottom line is, if you find your- self discouraged or feeling like giving up when you speak with them, then you can be fairly sure this person is a saboteur. But this doesn’t mean they can’t change!

Keep them small. Most of us have at least one saboteur in our lives, if not more. While we may not be able to completely avoid them, we don’t need to listen to them, give them a big role in our lives, or internalize what they’ve said. Remember, we decide how much importance to place on what people say.

See if they have a valid point. Though it may feel like pessimism, sometimes the person is just try- ing to be realistic. Step back and objectively think about whether they are bringing up a real obstacle that must be overcome. If so, reassure yourself that obstacles are rarely insurmountable.

Zap any negative thoughts. Some saboteurs have a way of transferring their negative thoughts to us. If we take them on, what may start out as a seed of doubt can grow into a sky-high tree of doubt that obscures our view of a better future. In order to keep negativity from overpowering our potential for positive change, we’ll want to shift our self-talk toward the supportive.

Keep it light. Sometimes people are uncomfortable when we make a change, and to ease their discom- fort, they make jokes or tease us. If this is someone we feel is really an ally, then their behavior probably has less to do with us than something going on

with them. We’d do best in this case to realize that it’s not personal, and either laugh with them or let it go. Doing this often disarms the person; they may continue to make jokes, but it won’t create tension or have as negative an effect on us.

Get them on our side. Sometimes the detrac- tor is someone we cannot ignore, in which case it’s best to enlist their help rather than fight them. We will first want to acknowledge their doubts, and then let them know how great it would be to have their support. Making someone feel important and needed can often turn our worst detractor into our greatest ally.

Educate them. Sometimes people are just misin- formed, and it might be a misunderstanding about our plans that causes them to react in a negative way. We can address this by thinking through the person's potential arguments, doing some research to back up our decision, and perhaps even writing out our reasoning. This will help us to educate them and potentially win them over. Even if we’re not able to win their support, this approach helps to keep their arguments from creating doubt in our minds.

Be secure in the knowledge that we are doing something good. In the case of detractors that we can’t win over, can’t avoid, or can’t laugh with, what we can do is remind ourselves that our goals have nothing to do with them. They are for our own benefit, and achieving them will be our reward for enduring this person.

Create space between us and them. To deal effectively with certain detractors, we may need to create emotional and sometimes physical distance from them. If this person is verbally dismissive, we might choose to not discuss our goals with them, but to stick with other topics instead. If they are actively trying to get us off track (e.g. pushing cigarettes on us when we’re trying to quit), we might choose to see them only in situations where their actions won’t affect us (e.g. where/when they won’t be smoking). In more extreme cases, where the relationship seems truly damaging, we may choose to respectfully let them know that we need support- ive people in our lives, and that we would like to be friends again if, at some point in the future, they feel they can be that kind of person.

B. Tips for Dealing with Detractors (and Creating Allies)

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Activity: Role-Play The following activity will give you an opportunity to practice handling detractors using the previous tips. Whether or not the scenarios below directly reflect your own life experience, practicing with them can help you deal with any similar situations that may come up in the future. In pairs, read the scenarios below and then act out each of the scenes according to the directions given, taking turns with each role.

Scenario 1

The (future) Student: You have just enrolled at a school that you are very excited about (use the details of your current school or one you hope to enroll in sometime in the future). You see this as an important step in building your future and you want to share your excitement with your closest friend. You assume they will be supportive and are surprised when they’re not. In the conversation with your friend, your goal is to get them to understand why this is so important to you. Before you begin, reread the Tips for Deal- ing with Detractors, specifically tips #3-8. It may also help to review the Constructive Communication Strategies from Chapter 2, page 161, which will help you to keep the conversation respectful.

The Detractor: Ultimately you do want the best for your friend, but you really depend on them and know that if they're in school, then you’re not going to have as much of their time and energy. You hate change and this is a big one, so you try to get them to change their mind about going. One of your tactics is to con- vince them that their dreams are unrealistic and they’d be better just keeping things the way they are.

Scenario 2

The (future) Student: The situation is basically the same, but this time your ‘friend’ is more aggressively trying to dissuade you from going to school. You’ll want to try to determine whether or not it’s worth try- ing to educate them about your goals or if you’d be better off simply diffusing their anger and lessening their desire to stand in your way. As you engage with this person, keep in mind the coach’s #1 rule for em- powered self-expression: always maintain your dignity.

The Detractor: You don’t have any goals for yourself and feel jealous of the fact that your friend does. You also feel sure that if they go to school—and especially if they succeed there—they will start looking down on you, and possibly no longer want to be your friend. You’re not about to let anyone think they’re bet- ter than you, or drop you as a friend, so one of your tactics is to try to convince them that they’ll never be able to succeed in school.

NOTE: Feel free to use a scenario theme other than school; any new path or project will work equally well.

Talk it Out In the role of student: • How effectively do you feel you dealt with the

detractor in each scenario? Were you able to utilize the Tips for Dealing with Detractors?

• What did you find most challenging about the interaction?

• What, if anything, did you discover about yourself doing this activity? Did you notice any aspects of your self-picture or outlook being expressed?

• If you’ve dealt with similar kinds of situations in the past, did it turn out as you would have liked? If not, what (if any) of the tips could you have used for a better outcome?

When considering the possibility that people in our lives might be impeding our growth, a lot of mixed emotions are bound to come up; we may feel angry, disappointed or even fearful. While it’s important to acknowledge and, in some cases, outwardly express our feelings, it’s also critical to our success to keep them in perspective.

Final Thought

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C. Expanding Our Network of Support

Check it Out

Allies Can Come from Anywhere "…I learned at a very early age, to project hatred with a passion, on everyone around me, and also as a means of survival and staying safe from pain and suffering. The end result of this distorted belief system, was that for the next 30 years, I kept myself in bondage to addictions and long- term incarcerations…[Until] I crossed paths with a…72-year-old retired Sheriff’s Officer, who was employed part-time as a Correctional Officer. I was assigned to him as a barber. Little did I know that this little guy would become the pivotal force in my life. He became the first person to bat- ter me with kindness, and called me all kinds of weird, strange, alien and bizarre names, such as: admirable, remarkable, and trusting person… Now, this weirdo had faith and trust in me! I remember thinking, “What was wrong with this dude?!” However, those simple acts of empower- ment, and allowing me to know and trust myself and understand that I was a valuable person, has had a profound effect on my life.

Today…to the best of my ability, I smile and project love toward others. Today, I’m a licensed & registered addictions therapist/counselor. I co-facilitate meditation retreats in prisons, and I teach a graduate class at a local university. All because another human being had the cour- age to take a risk with me. I’ve had no treatment interventions, no burning bushes, or laying on of hands; just a simple loving individual that mirrored (projected) every single exquisite quality that he possessed on another human…”

—The Foundation for a Better Life, author anony- mous (An unedited version of this story can be found at www.values.com/stories/15-The-Only- quot-Enabler-quot-in-My-Life)

A strong, sustainable support system is always ex- panding and evolving. We have already taken a hard look at many of the people in our lives, and figured out how they may fit into our support system, but might there be potential allies already in our lives that we’ve overlooked? Certainly there are many we have yet to meet.

It’s All About Who You Know One of the best places to start our search is in our personal contact list. Taking a few minutes to scroll through the contacts stored in our phone and/or email address book can help us identify people who, for whatever reason, we may not have thought of as potential sources of support. This might include, for example, an ally with whom we’ve lost touch, or a friendly acquaintance we’ve not pursued a friendship with, perhaps because we’ve mistakenly assumed we don’t have much in common with them. Thinking about the places we spend time, and the activities we’re involved in, may also offer up a number of po- tential allies. When we open ourselves to opportunity, life often proves that there’s plenty of it, and some- times in the places we least expect!

Branching out Another way to expand our support system is by trying new things; we might take up a hobby, start a meet-up group (www.meetup.com), join a club, take a class, or volunteer. Volunteering gives us an oppor- tunity to get to know our community from a unique perspective, and is one of the very best ways of find- ing potentially supportive people and making mean- ingful connections.

NOTE: Although we tend to think of our support system as being comprised solely of people, there are non-human sources of support that are equally valu- able, including a loving pet, or even a location (e.g. a peaceful library, a bookstore, or a nearby park).

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Exercise: My Social Circle A helpful way to identify both current and potential sources of support is by looking at where you spend your time—the many places you go and activities you’re involved with. Fill in the boxes below with the names of those people you know from these various areas of your life, and who you already consider a part of your support system (you may want to refer to your My Resources exercise for more ideas). Then, list anyone else (includ- ing acquaintances) from these areas that you could see becoming a part of your support system. If any of your activities are not listed, and/or there are some that you plan to, but have not yet gotten involved with, list them under Other Activities.

Home School

Work Kids

Community Activities/ Volunteering

Gym/Sports

Religious

Hobbies

Other Activities ( _____________________________ )

You

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What Works: Self-Support “Up to a point a man's life is shaped by environment, hered-

ity, and movements and changes in the world about him; then there comes a time when it lies within his grasp to shape the clay of his life into the sort of thing he wishes to be. Everyone

has it within his power to say, this I am today, that I shall be to- morrow.”

Treating Ourselves as We Want to be Treated The golden rule tells us that we should treat others as we want to be treated, but we often forget the importance of treating ourselves like we want to be treated. It’s worth looking at the qualities we identified as valuing most in our friends—whether they included honesty, reliability, kindness, or patience—and ask- ing, “Am I demonstrating those qualities in my relationship with myself?" Are we support- ing ourselves in the same way we want to be supported by others? While our friends, family, colleagues, and others make up our external support system, only we can provide ourselves with the internal support (what we’ll call self- support) necessary for our success. But what does that really entail? Self-support means doing whatever we need to do to ensure our physical, mental and emotional well-being. To that end, we will spend this next section developing tools to help us reduce our stress, manage difficult emotions, and keep our- selves motivated.

Why Do We Need Self-Support? While other people can, and ideally will, pro- vide a good deal of the support in our lives, a true sense of empowerment comes from

knowing that we can depend, first and fore- most, on ourselves. While utilizing our support system is indeed one of the ways we take care of ourselves, it’s important to do so in a con- scious, constructive way. That means not rely- ing on others to do things for us that we are capable of doing for ourselves, and not asking more of people than they are realistically able to do. With focused effort, we can expect to have many fulfilling accomplishments in our lives, but we can’t be certain that someone else will always be there to help us keep a clear head, encourage us along the way, or congratulate us when we’ve reached our goal.

With self-support, we make up for whatever might be lacking in our support system and ensure ongoing personal and professional success by becoming our own biggest fan and most active supporter. Depending on ourselves is the first step in a sustainably productive supportive cycle—we set out to accomplish something, meet our goal, get positive encouragement and reassurance from ourselves and likely others, we feel more em- powered, and then we set out to accomplish something even more ambitious, beginning the cycle again.

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What is Stress? Many of us feel anxious, tired, emotional, or just generally out of whack, but can’t identify the cause. More often than not, the reason is stress. But what really is stress? Stress is our bodies’ natural response to any stimulus or situation we perceive as being threatening or unpleasant (e.g. fear or pain). Stress disrupts the body’s natural balance and can put us in “fight or flight mode,” where the heart rate increases, blood pressure rises, and muscles tense up. Although stress is a physical reaction, it affects our emotions and often leaves us feeling irritable, depressed, and/or anxious. What causes stress is different for everyone; so too is the way it manifests, and how each of us deals with it. For example, as a result of a demand- ing job, one person may get stress-related headaches which they cope with by eating lots of sugar. Some- one else in the same situation may find that they can"t sleep and cope by watching TV all night. In addition to the aforementioned physical and emotional symp- toms, stress can disturb our sleep, create physical pain, give us digestive problems, cause headaches, increase our susceptibility to illness, make it difficult to concentrate, cause skin problems, and/or a gen- eral feeling of melancholy. We may not even realize we’re stressed until we get run down, sick, or have a surprisingly strong emotional reaction to something seemingly insignificant (e.g. exploding angrily at the cashier after waiting on a long line). The good news, however, is that even the most stressed out among us can learn how to manage this reaction and/or elimi- nate it altogether.

Identifying Sources of Stress In order to effectively combat stress, we first need to know where it’s coming from. While we often think of stress as being solely the result of external circum- stances (e.g. time commitments, family matters, work-

related issues), it is also due to a counterproductive or disempowering perception of these circumstances (and the self-talk it often generates). For instance, if we have a lot to get done on a given day and focus solely on how little time we have, we will probably spend time stressing out and not accomplish all we set out to do. If, on the other hand, we have a more optimistic outlook, assure ourselves that we’ll get it all done and make a plan to do it, then we’re much less likely to feel stressed and, because we’re not fight- ing through the excess tension, are more likely to get everything done.

As the example shows, our internal handling of a given situation (our perception and/or self-talk) deter- mines to a large degree how we handle it externally, that is, what we actually do when faced with these circumstances. Just as with our self-expression, our handling of stress—both internally and exter- nally—can be either reactive (emotional, impulsive) or responsive (thoughtful, conscientious, constructive). A reaction to a perceived stressor (e.g. numerous com- mitments on a given day) might be to send ourselves a negative self-message (e.g. “I can’t deal with all this”), and then engage in destructive behaviors (e.g. losing our temper) and feel worse about ourselves, which then causes more stress. Conversely, a stress- diffusing response to the same situation might be to send ourselves a reassuring self-message (e.g. “I always get everything done”), and give ourselves a healthy outlet for any tension we’re experiencing as soon as we’re able (e.g. taking a bath or a walk). When we act responsively, we address our stress as soon as possible and prevent tension from building to an explosive point. The bottom line is that, while external circumstances are often out of our control, we have the tools to handle them in a healthy, self- supporting way.

A. Reducing Stress Think About It

How many of you are aware of having stress in your lives? Is it a constant state, or something that comes as the result of certain situations? What are some of the things that trigger your stress (e.g. lack of time, living with a difficult person or in challenging circumstances, physical health issues, finances)? How do you know when you’re stressed—are you aware of it in your body and/or your mind (your thoughts/self- talk)? How do you typically handle stress, and do you find that your methods are effective? How do you think stress might be getting in the way of your success? How might your life look different if you were able to significantly reduce your stress level?

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The information and exercises on the following pages will help us to further expand our stress-reducing abilities.

Reducing Stress With Our Bodies, Minds, and Actions Stress is a natural physiological response, and there’s no creature on the planet that can go a full day without experiencing at least some degree of it. Unlike humans, animals in the wild act on their stress reactions imme- diately, either defending themselves (“fight”) or running away (“flight”), and then returning just as quickly to their previous, calm state. It’s not so easy for people, however, particularly for anyone who has grown up in stressful circumstances and, as a result, has some (perhaps unconscious) degree of constant anxiety. By consistently uti- lizing the stress management tools below, though, each one of us can learn to both manage stressful situations better when they come up, and lower our overall stress level. Practicing regular stress relief significantly lowers our baseline stress level so that, while immediate stressors/outside forces may agitate us at the moment, we suf- fer no lasting effects. Stress reduction also has significant long-term health benefits, including a stronger immune system, greater resistance to cancer, heart disease, and strokes, more energy, improved mood and memory, and an ability to experience positive emotions (like joy) more fully.

How We Can Use Our Minds To Reduce Stress

Often, when we’re feeling overworked, overwhelmed, or just generally stressed out, we don't take the time to figure out what’s causing our stress, how we could handle it more effectively, and whether or not we’re seeing things clearly. Developing this kind of inner-awareness however, allows us to keep tabs on our stress level at all times, stave off any major stress reactions, and feel more in control of our lives.

1. Identify the sources. Though it may seem like our stress is coming from the traffic we’re stuck in, the child that won’t stop crying, or the doctor we can never get through to, the truth is, if those were our only sources of stress, they probably wouldn’t get to us too much. There is usually more contributing to our stress than these kinds of immediate triggers; that traffic may stress us out because we feel like we never have enough time and now we're forced to waste what little we do have, the crying child may wear on our nerves because we’re exhausted from not getting enough sleep, and the unavailable doctor may feel like just one more per- son we can't count on. By identifying the true sources of our stress, we equip ourselves with the information necessary to address them. In order to discover where things may be out of balance in our lives, or where we need to make some changes, we may want to journal about it or talk it out with a member of our support system.

2. Decide to handle the situation constructively. Now that we know the source(s) of our stress, we can ask ourselves, “Is there anything I can do in the immediate to improve the situation?” For instance, if somebody is yelling at us, we can use our constructive communication strategies to calm them down and try to reach an understanding. We may also come to the conclusion that the circumstances are, to some extent, out of our control. In both cases, we are always in a position to decide how we’re going to handle ourselves.

3. Get perspective. As soon as we have an opportunity to get perspective on the situation, we can examine whether there’s anything about our self-picture or outlook (any assumptions or judgments) that could be con- tributing to our stress. If so, how might we change it? Could we allow for the possibility that we’re not seeing things clearly, send ourselves more supportive self-messages, and look at the situation and its participants (including ourselves) with greater compassion? The closer we look at the things that create the most stress for us, the more useful information we have going forward.

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Chill Out! Meditation is one of the most effective, proven ways to decrease stress, increase energy and bring the body and mind back into balance. Instead of trying to force or push out all our mental clutter, meditation teaches us to clear our minds by relaxing the body and focusing our attention on what we’re feeling moment to moment. It is easy to learn, can be done anywhere, and need only take a few minutes a day for significant, lasting benefits.

Exercise: The Quick Chill Give yourself permission to take the next few min- utes to do absolutely nothing—no planning, wor- rying, to-do lists, nothing. See if you can set aside any judgments you may have about the exercise and keep an open mind—you might be surprised! Before we begin, find a comfortable position in your chair, preferably with your feet on the floor. Place your hands in your lap or rest them on your desk. Follow the steps:

1. Close your eyes, and allow your jaw to relax and drop. Bring your attention to your breath. As you inhale through your nose, allow your belly to expand fully and think to yourself, "Open." Release completely as you exhale through your nose, telling yourself, "Release."

2. As thoughts arise, simply notice them, with- out judging or trying to change them. Continue for a few minutes, opening and expanding as you

inhale, releasing as you exhale. If you find it difficult to stay focused, it may be helpful to count as you breathe—3 counts for the inhale, 5 for the exhale.

3. When you feel ready, slowly open your eyes. Take 3 more deep breaths, remembering to exhale fully. As you return to your normal activities, if you notice yourself getting tense, simply bring your awareness back to your breath, and if possible, close your eyes for a moment.

Break it Down Did you find you were able to relax? If not, what do you think might have been standing in the way? While doing this exercise, did anything come up that surprised you? Try this exercise once a day for the next week and see how it works. When you do this exercise on your own, all you need is a quiet space where you can be alone for 5 minutes—even a bathroom stall will do!

How We Can Use Our Bodies To Reduce Stress There are often times when stress is getting the best of us but, because we are out of touch with what’s going on in our bodies, we are completely unaware. We tend to rely solely on our minds for information, but in fact our bodies have an amazing amount of useful data to share with us; measuring tension in our body can give us an accurate read on our stress-level, and even let us know exactly which muscle groups to concentrate on in order to get relief.

We can access this information at any time by following these simple steps.

1. Stop. Wherever you might be, whatever you might be doing, you can allow yourself a moment to stop. It may help to give yourself a gentle instruction like, “Rest.” You might want to put down any objects you’re holding, let your arms rest at your sides or on your lap, and encourage yourself to just ‘let go’ for a moment.

2. Look and listen. You can think of this step as turning your mind’s eye inward so that you can ‘see’ what is going on inside of you. Close your eyes (if you're alone) and bring your focus to the top of your head, then move your attention slowly down through your body (remembering to include the arms), checking in with each area to see if there’s any tension or pain. Observe whatever messages your body may be sending you without judging them. (Our bodies may speak loud and clear, like when we feel jittery all over, or they may communicate in a quiet and subtle way, like with a dull headache or a tight feeling in our chest.)

3. Treat. If you come upon an area of tension or pain, hold your attention on it for a moment and breathe deeply, sending your breath directly to that area until the sensation subsides.

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Once we’ve located the area of stress in our body, we can begin to relieve the symptoms by utilizing any of the techniques below. Try a few in class today, and see which of them best helps you to feel calm.

Option 1: Exercise Any physical activity, whether walking briskly around the block, dancing, playing a sport, or even jog- ging in place or doing jumping jacks, is scientifically proven to possess many stress-reducing benefits. Exercise brings more oxygen to our bodies, revs up our metabolism, enlivens the muscles, lowers blood pressure, gives us an outlet for distressing emotions, releases endorphins (the ‘happy’ chemicals), and generally gives us a sense of well-being.

Jog in Place: If possible, next to your desk or wher- ever you are currently positioned, jog in place for one full minute without stopping.

Jumping Jacks: In the same spot, do twenty-five jumping jacks in a row.

Option 2: Breathing In observing our breath, we may notice that we breathe either too quickly and/or shallowly. Many of us, without realizing it, take short, shallow breaths from the top of our chest without exhaling fully. This can disrupt the O

2 /CO

2 balance in our blood, and in

turn cause the arteries (including the carotid artery that goes to our brain) to constrict, which reduces the flow of blood throughout our bodies. When this occurs, both our bodies and brains experience a shortage of oxygen, which triggers our sympathetic nervous system—our "fight or flight" reflex—and makes us tense, anxious, tired, and/or just gener- ally uncomfortable. It also reduces our ability to think clearly, and can result in obsessive thoughts and negative self-talk. Extensive research has shown that certain breathing techniques can dramatically reduce stress and all of the many symptoms that can come with it.

Calming Breath Exercise: To start, place your hand on your abdomen, about three fingers below your belly button. Inhale for three counts deeply through your nose, allowing your hand to be moved as your belly expands. Then, breathe out slowly through slightly pursed lips for six full counts. (Purs-

ing the lips helps to slow down your exhale.) Do this for one full minute. To enhance the exercise, you can imagine all tension flowing out of your body as you release the air from your lungs. If you have the space, try doing the exercise lying down, as it can be easier to breathe into your abdomen in that position. You can also do a modified version if you’re in public, by simply breathing in through your nose and out through your mouth as slowly as possible (without pursing your lips).

Option 3: Stretching Stretching is a great way to loosen our muscles, get our blood flowing, and release stress and tension.

The Neck Stretch Exercise: Sit comfortably and drop your head slowly to the right, allowing gravity to pull your ear toward your shoulder. Without tensing your shoulder, rest your right hand on the top of your head and gently pull your head to the right and hold for a five seconds and release. Repeat on the left side.

The Roll-Over Exercise: Now try standing with knees bent and feet shoulder-width apart. Drop your head, allowing your spine to roll down vertebrae by vertebrae, until your whole upper body is folded forward. Let gravity pull you into a deep stretch, resting your hands on your thighs, shins, or the floor. Nod your head ‘yes,’ then ‘no,’ and allow your neck to hang loosely. Take a few deep breaths and, when ready, start with the base of the spine (the tailbone) and roll your torso back up to standing.

The Face Stretch: Also, try stretching the muscles in your face by tensing and tightly squeezing your whole face—lips, eyes, eyebrows, nose and cheeks— and then open everything as wide as you can. Play around; just making some funny faces for yourself can help relieve stress and lighten your mood.

Option 4: Self-Massage While we can use our breath to relax our muscles from the inside out, we can also use gentle pressure to alleviate tension from outside in. Three problematic areas to focus on are the head, neck/shoulders, and feet.

Head to Toe Self-Massage Exercise

Head and Neck: Use your fingertips to gently massage (in a circular motion) into the base of the

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neck, applying pressure as is comfortable. Then move your fingers out to the sides of your neck and up to your jaw and up to your temples. It is also beneficial to gently massage the ears between your thumb and forefinger.

Neck and Shoulders: Continuing circular move- ments, provide gentle pressure down your neck and across your shoulders. Try to breathe deeply as you do this, releasing any tension with your exhale. If you have the time or need, you can massage the chest, belly, or leg muscles in the same way, or massage the back by rolling on a tennis ball.

Feet: Our feet support us all day, every day. Because they contain pressure points that correspond to all parts of the body, a good foot massage can have the same benefits as a full body massage. Remove your shoes and socks and massage just like you would any other area.

Break it Down

What was your experience with these exercises?

Which of them best helped you to relax?

If you were not able to relax, what might have been standing in the way?

Was there anything that surprised you while you were doing these exercises?

Could you see applying one or more of these techniques on a regular basis?

How Our Actions Can Reduce Stress Now that we know where and how stress plays out in our lives, and how to address mental and physical tension, we can figure out some proactive ways to stop the stress before it starts. Whether or not we are aware of it, we already have ways of managing our stress, though often they are destructive rather than constructive methods. During stressful times, for example, we might habitually pick up a cigarette, a bag of chips, or a drink to help us relax. The problem is that, while these things may make us feel better at the moment, they do nothing to reduce the overall stress in our lives or help us to better manage it long-term. In fact, some of these habits may become addictions that ultimately compromise our health, thus creating more stress in our lives. We might also reflex- ively take our stress out on other people, like perhaps allowing ourselves to lose our temper with people who've done nothing to harm us. Constructive outlets, however, offer us both short and long-term benefits. Managing our stress in a healthy way means giving ourselves a regular opportunity to let off steam so that we don’t react unexpectedly and in destructive ways. This might mean getting into a regular workout routine, making time each week to read, play games, or talk with a friend, or setting up a private space for daily meditation.

As we go about creating a structure to manage our stress, reviewing our plan of action may help orient us around our goals, and help us prioritize our needs. If we find, for example, that we’re stressed out because we don’t have time to work on our goals, we’ll want our stress-reducing actions to help us manage time. If money is causing us regular anxiety, then creating a new budget might help us to manage our funds so that we can focus on achieving our goals. Stress may be unavoidable, but it’s far from unmanageable.

When used consistently, the previous techniques (whether we use one or all of them) will permanently alter the way our bodies respond to stressors. So instead of feeling jumpy or jittery in a particular situation, we may feel grounded, even calm, either way, in greater control. Try one or more of them once a day for the next week and see how they work.

Final Thought

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Exercise: The Stress Rx Part 1: Stress Check

In the Outside Pressures column, list any of the stress triggers you’re currently aware of having in your life (e.g. struggling at work, being low on money, having difficulty with a child) and how you feel about them (e.g. angry, upset, frustrated). Then, in the How I’ve Handled It in the Past column, you’re going to write whatever you typically do—your action—when faced with this Outside Pressure (e.g. "Go for a run," "Get angry and yell," "Sleep an extra few hours"). You’re then going to write how your handling of the situation usually turns out—the effect it has on you and/or on other people (e.g. "I feel discouraged," "I am relaxed," "My family is upset with me"). NOTE: It may help to recall the Think About It discussion at the beginning of this section. Finally, you’re going to read over the How I’ve Handled It in the Past column and put a plus (+) sign next to any constructive/ productive handling of Outside Pressures and a minus (-) sign next to any of those methods you feel have been unproductive or destructive.

Outside Pressures (and how I feel about them)

How I’ve Handled It in the Past (actions)

The Result

Example: I have no time for myself and I feel resentful and tired.

Sometimes I lose my temper with my kids and I often call in sick to work.

There is a lot of tension in my house and my boss is losing patience with me.

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Part 2: The Rx

Now, look over those things you gave a minus (-) sign to, and rewrite any of the Outside Pressures you don’t feel you have been handling effectively in the appropriate column. Then, in the The Desired Result column, write what you would like to have happen instead of what has been happening. Focus on what you have control over in the immediate future. For instance, if your Outside Pressure is, "Running out of money before my next paycheck," you’d want to write something like, "Make my money last longer," vs. "Make more money," which is something that might take some time to achieve. Referencing any of the techniques covered in the Reducing Stress section, as well as any others you can think of, you’re now going to write in the How I Will Handle It in the Future column an Rx for the situation—that is, whatever steps you could take right now to get your Desired Result.

Outside Pressures The Desired Result How I Will Handle It in the Future

Example: Not having any time for myself.

I have time for myself, ideally an hour a day.

I will reorganize my schedule, have a calm talk with my family about needing some time and simply make it a priority.

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B. Managing Our Emotions

Think About It Have you ever watched someone you care about make a decision you knew would end up hurting them, but because their decision was based on such a strong emotional reaction, you couldn’t talk them out of it? Have you ever made a decision based solely on emotions that you later regretted? Could you imagine the situation having a more positive outcome if you had also used your rational mind in the decision-making process? What are some of the ways you think these kinds of emotional decisions could affect your ability to reach your goals and feel successful? What are some healthy ways of dealing with difficult emotions such as anger, sadness, fear and jealousy?

When we allow our emotions—whether they feel posi- tive or negative—to be the sole determining factor in our decisions, they can end up getting in the way of our success. For instance, if our boss says something we find offensive and, instead of speaking with her/ him about it, we just quit, we may lose an opportunity to grow in an organization that was otherwise a great place for us. It’s just as easy to make a poor decision based on a good feeling. For example, if we get ex- cited by the prospect of a raise we’re sure we’re going to get and go on a spending spree, then wind up not getting the raise, we could be left without money for a professional class that we wanted to take. Many of our emotional habits or behaviors were developed as coping strategies for situations we had no other way of dealing with when we were young and/or as a way of compensating for the things we felt were missing in our lives. Sometimes those habits/behaviors no longer serve us and can keep us from achieving our goals. In this section, we will work on developing new, more constructive coping mechanisms and emotion-man- agement tools that we can put to immediate use.

On a given day, we may experience any number of un- comfortable emotions; we may feel anxious about hav- ing to speak in class or perform certain tasks at work, shut down when confronted with an aggressive person in our lives, angry about having too much asked of us, frustrated when we’re not being listened to, jealous of someone we think has it better than we do, or fearful when faced with the prospect of losing someone we love. Usually when we experience a strong, unpleasant emotion, our first impulse is to try to get rid of it. We

may expend large amounts of time and energy trying to ignore it, or even deny it’s there. It may seem easier to suppress the feelings we don’t like rather than face them, but the truth is that suppressing emotions doesn’t get rid of them, it only buries them deep inside us. As long as the feelings are trapped within us, they have an influence over our thoughts and actions; when we become conscious of our emotions, we can finally let them go. By allowing ourselves to feel whatever it is we’re feeling, we save ourselves time and energy, alle- viate emotional distress, and give ourselves an essen- tial tool for making constructive choices—awareness.

It’s a common misperception that we have no control over how we’re feeling. Particularly when the emotion is a strong one, it can seem like we’re at the mercy of whatever is going on in our minds, and that all we can do is try to keep it from completely taking over. As with stress, we often attempt to manage these emotions by engaging in destructive (or potentially destructive) be- haviors like smoking, overeating, watching too much TV, starting a fight with someone close to us, spending the day surfing the web, or oversleeping. While these behaviors (which may have turned into full-blown habits) can be harmful to us, it’s important to recog- nize that they are simply choices we are making, and usually because we’re not aware of better alternatives. The idea is not to blame or get angry with ourselves for these coping mechanisms, but simply to see them for what they are and make a choice to change them. Fortunately, as our minds are powerful tools, we have a lot more control over our emotions and the way we handle them than we realize.

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Check it Out On August 27, 2002, magician Criss Angel escaped from his chains and emerged from a 220-gallon tank of water where he’d been trapped for 24 hours and 6 minutes without eating, sleeping, or using the bathroom. His only source of air was a 3/8” tube. Wow, right? So how did he do it? By mastering his body with his mind. Angel committed to an arduous training process of deep breathing exercises, and taught his body a whole new way to use oxygen. Additionally, and equally essential to his success, he gained mastery over his emo- tional enemy: fear. While this is an extreme example (and not something you should try at home!), it demon- strates the incredible power of the human mind to overcome even the most impossible seeming obstacles.

The information and exercises on the following pages will further help us to use our minds, bodies, and actions to more effectively manage our emotions.

Managing Our Emotions with Our Bodies, Minds, and Actions

How We Can Use Our Minds To Manage Our Emotions To better enable us to handle our emotions in the most constructive way possible, we're going to use the same three ‘mind’ tools we used to reduce our stress.

1. Identify the emotion and accept it! Only by knowing what we feel (whether about ourselves, other peo- ple, or situations) can we truly understand why we speak and act the way we do; this kind of understand- ing is essential for making conscious, constructive decisions. Equally essential is our willingness to accept what we feel without judgment. Judging our emotions—deeming them either wrong or inappropriate—only encourages us to deny or suppress them, which leaves us with little or no control over their impact. Addi- tionally, acceptance allows us to more easily let go of those emotions that are disturbing us. Identifying our emotions may require nothing more than taking a pause, a breath, and checking-in with ourselves by ask- ing: “What am I really feeling right now?” Just as often, it requires that we look a little more deeply. When our emotions are buried, we may not be able to ‘think’ them into view, needing instead to utilize one of the meditative and/or body awareness exercises described in the previous and/or following pages..

2. Decide to handle it constructively. Whatever we’re feeling, however intense the emotion, it is always up to us how we handle it. If we are feeling very down or discouraged, we can commit to doing whatever’s necessary to pick ourselves up. If we are fearful, for example, we might seek out support to help us face and work through our fears. Even if we are fuming mad, we have the ability to decide whether or not to lose control. In every situation, we can choose to respond vs. react. When dealing with other people, we can best do this by following the coach’s number one rule of maintaining our dignity; this will help to keep things from getting complicated and will serve as a powerful reminder of the control we have over our behavior. Whenever we feel compelled to follow an emotional impulse, it’s a good idea to get a second opinion from our rational mind by asking ourselves, “Is this really what I want to do? Will I be happy with this decision tomorrow?”

3. Get Perspective. Getting perspective helps us to manage our emotions in the same way it helps us to ex- press ourselves effectively and reduce stress, by giving us a clearer view of what’s going on from both the inside and the outside. Examining our self-picture and outlook can give us great insight into why we feel the way we do and what we might need to change for greater emotional balance, while giving our perception of emotionally challenging situations a Reality Check will inform our decisions about how to handle them. For instance, if we typically feel fearful about speaking up in class, there is very likely some aspect of our self- picture and/or outlook that is contributing to our fear. If we then do a Reality Check to determine how well founded our fear is, we may end up realizing that we have nothing to be afraid of and everything to gain by facing down our fear.

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Exercise Part 1: Just Notice—The Outside Put down anything you’re holding, get in a comfortable position, and with your eyes open or closed, move your attention dial up to ten and spend the next full minute simply noticing whatever is going on around you—any sights, sounds, or smells—without judgments. That’s it. Simply notice what things look like, sound like and smell like, without judging them in any way, and then let them go. As soon as you are aware of judging—positively or negatively—simply shift your attention back to whatever is happening. NOTE: It’s okay to mentally name things that you notice, as long as it’s a neutral (non-judgmental) name. For instance, if you hear a honking car you might name it “honking” vs. “annoying." In that way, you’re identifying it without making a judgment about whether it’s good or bad, or whether you like it or not. When we keep things neutral in this way, they don’t have as much power to affect our mood. This kind of practice also strengthens our ability to be objective, which is essential for keeping our emotions in check and making responsive, rational decisions.

Break it Down: What (if anything) did you find challenging about this exercise? Were you aware of any judgments coming up, whether positive or negative? Did you find you were able to let them go?

How We Can Use Our Bodies To Manage Our Emotions Our minds and bodies function together as part of an interconnected system, and every thought has a corre- sponding expression in our bodies, whether as a physical action or as a sensation. For instance, when our mind tells our body to walk, dance or write, provided we are physically able, it does; when we experience a strong emotion, like fear for instance, our bodies respond with a pounding heart, sweaty palms and/or a tightness in the chest. In turn, our physical body has a strong influence over our thoughts and emotions. An illness or injury, for instance, can get us down, while an hour of vigorous exercise can make us feel exhilarated. After many years of intensive research, it’s becoming a more widely accepted theory in the medical community that our outlook can be a significant determining factor in the quality of our physical health, and that our physical circumstances exert just as much influence over our mental state. Ultimately, the better care we take of ourselves both physically and emotionally, the more our mind-body connection will take care of us.

Tuning into our bodies can help us to create a strong, healthy mind-body connection so that our bodies can tell us things our minds might not be able to. By focusing our awareness on what is going on physically, we can get insight into what is going on emotionally. For instance, we may not realize that we’re sad about something until we notice a tightness in our chest, or that we’re angry until we notice our jaw is clenched. We might even think of this mind-body attention as a laser that dissolves the sensation until it reveals the emotions beneath.

Exercise Part 2: Just Notice—The Inside Once again, start by putting down anything you’re holding and getting into a comfortable position, but this time, close your eyes and focus first on your breathing. Hold your attention for a few moments on your belly expand- ing and contracting as the breath goes in and out of your body. Now, instead of tuning into what’s going on outside of you, you’re going to tune in to what’s going on inside of you—your sensations and emotions. Again, take the same non-judgmental approach, simply noticing the sensation or emotion without placing any value judgment on it (e.g. “I feel tingling in my left foot” vs. “That’s such a weird feeling,” or “I feel sad” vs. “I hate this feeling, it’s awful”), and then letting it go. If you find that there is one particularly strong sensation (a pain for in- stance), try to keep your attention focused on it, and imagine your breath going in and out of that place until the pain starts to lessen. You may find that as the pain dissipates, it reveals an emotion. Again, whatever it is, just notice it and let it go.

Break it Down: How did Part 2 of this exercise compare with Part 1? Was it more or less difficult? What discoveries, if any, did you make doing this exercise? What kind of judgments came up? How easy/ difficult was it to let them go?

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“Knowing how to perform simple breathing techniques can help lower your blood pressure, calm a rac- ing heart, or help your digestive system without taking drugs. Breathing has direct connections to emo- tional states and moods—observe someone who is angry, afraid or otherwise upset, and you will see a

person breathing rapidly, shallowly, noisily and irregularly. You cannot be upset if your breathing is slow, deep, quiet and regular. You cannot always center yourself emotionally by an act of will, but you can use

your voluntary nerves to make your breathing slow, deep, quiet and regular, and the rest will follow. —Dr. Andrew Weil (renowned physician and author of several best-selling books on integrative medicine)

Breath control is just as crucial for managing our emotions as it is for reducing stress.

How Our Actions Can Help Us Manage Our Emotions The fact is, there are no wrong emotions, only healthy and unhealthy ways of expressing them through our words and actions. Most of our emotions can go in one of two ways depending upon how we handle them. For instance, if we are in an argument with a parent and feel angry about their behavior, we can either channel our anger toward a counterproductive outcome like yelling, threatening or storming out, or a productive outcome like expressing ourselves in a firm but rational way. If we’re feeling disappointed about a poor grade we got on a test, we can either allow that disappointment to get us down and sap our energy, or we can let it fuel our determina- tion to do better the next time.

Just as with stress, there are two approaches to managing our emotions in a consistently effective way. The first is to have an array of healthy coping mechanisms we can utilize at any time. There are many different ways to process and express our emotions: we can get physical (e.g. dance, play sports, stretch, punch a punching bag), get space (e.g. go hiking, to the beach, to a park, to a library), get heady (e.g. read, do puzzles, meditate), get vocal (e.g. call a friend, sing, scream), get creative (e.g. write a story/poem/song/blog entry, paint, sculpt), get spiritual (e.g. go to a sacred space, engage in a meaningful ritual), or whatever else works for us. As we try dif- ferent things, we will find that some methods work better than others for channeling certain emotions, and learn to know what we need when. We may also find it helpful to engage in some of these activities on a regular basis, perhaps turning them into a daily or weekly ritual to keep emotional pressure from building up.

The second approach to managing our emotions long-term, is to identify any common triggers for strong emotional reactions, and anticipate when they may come up. If we know, for example, that we tend to get over- whelmed with anger when confronting a particular person, we might do a Quick Chill or listen to calming music before we meet them. If we are nearing a specific date that reminds us of the past and always makes us sad, we might plan a gathering with friends on that day, or rent an uplifting movie. With a little forethought, we can honor and validate all of our emotions while creating the structure we need to express them healthfully and constructively.

Calming Breath Exercise: This exercise, introduced in the Reducing Stress section, is one of the most effec- tive methods of slowing and deepening our breathing, and creating a sense of calm.

Controlling Breath Exercise: This exercise is particularly helpful for whenever you feel highly agitated or up- set. Again, start by placing your hand on your abdomen, about three fingers below your belly button. Inhale for three counts deeply through your nose, hold for three counts, and then take five seconds to exhale through your mouth. Do this for one full minute. If you are experiencing any distressing emotions, breathe in this manner until you feel more settled.

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Exercise: Rewrite the Scene

Part 1: Replay It

Part 2: Get Perspective

Part 3: The Rewrite

First, bring to mind a recent situation where you had trouble managing your emotions and, as a result, expressed them (through your words or actions) in a way you weren’t happy with. Now you’re going to close your eyes and picture the situation in as much detail as possible. As best you can, imagine that you are really there again; see if you can recall exactly how you felt (including any physical sensations that were present) and any self-talk that accompanied the emotion(s). Then, with your eyes still closed, staying fully in the scene, ask yourself the follow- ing questions:

1. What’s really going on for me right now (the feelings, the sensations)?

2. What do I need to hear from myself to make this feeling okay—to be able to accept it without judgment?

3. What do I need to say or do to get a better handle on the emotion(s) I’m dealing with?

Slowly open your eyes and continue with the next part of the exercise.

When you’re in the midst of dealing with a challenging emotional reaction, objectivity can be difficult; it’s best to wait until you have a little distance from the situation (both physically and time-wise) before you try to get per- spective. Based on the insight you gained from Replay It, ask yourself the following questions:

1. Am I making any assumptions or judgments about the person/situation that might not be 100% accurate?

2. If so, how could they be contributing to my emotional experience?

3. Is it possible that I am taking things too personally or too seriously? If so, what new self-messages can I use to change that?

Slowly open your eyes and continue with the next part of the exercise.

Now, you’re going to 'rewrite' this scene in your head, almost as though it were a movie. Again, start by closing your eyes, and mentally returning to the scene. This time you’re going to imagine what it would feel like to fully accept whatever emotions are coming up, and sit with that for a moment. Then visualize (picture) yourself han- dling the emotions in exactly the way you need to for the best possible outcome. Take as much time as you need to play the scene out in your mind to its conclusion.

Talk it Out What did you discover doing the Replay It part of this exercise? Did anything surprise you? How well did you find your were able to Get Perspective and Rewrite the scene? Are there other situations in your life right now where you could utilize this tool? To what extent do you think this type of exercise could have a positive affect on your self-picture and/or outlook? How might it help you to achieve your goals?

One of the best things we can do when we’re feeling overwhelmed by emotions is to mentally step out of the situation long enough to gain insight into what’s really going on, to accept whatever it is we’re feeling, and to get a better understanding of how to handle things either at that moment or in the future. No matter what we’re dealing with, we always have access to our inner wisdom, and the ability to get control over our emotions. This exercise will give us some practice doing just that.

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C. Staying Motivated

Talk It Out What kinds of things could keep a person in adverse circumstances, like Ms. Sotomayor or Mr. Weisel, motivated to succeed? What keeps you motivated when you’re facing seemingly insurmountable obstacles or discouraging setbacks? On a more regular, everyday basis, how do you keep yourself motivated to do what you need to do? Are there goals or tasks that you’ve set for yourself, but haven’t been motivated to accomplish, or have only made a half-hearted commitment to? If so, why do you think that might be?

Creating Motivation We hear a lot about how important it is to get and stay motivated if we want to be successful. Important as it is, no one feels motivated all the time. Sometimes it may feel like we can't get inspired at all, while other times our inspiration comes, but only for a fleeting moment. What are we supposed to do when we’re feeling down, tired, stressed out, or like even the bare minimum is asking too much? Motivation can be a bit of a catch-22; we need it to feel better, but we need to feel better to get it. The fact is that if we want to reach our goals and feel successful, we can’t wait around for motivation to happen, we have to create it—but how? First, we need to know that being motivated doesn’t necessarily mean we’re 100% psyched to study for our exam, that we jump out of bed every morning eager to get to work, or that we make breakfast for our families with a big, happy smile on our faces. It does mean that whatever we’re feeling, we keep in mind how important

these things really are in the bigger picture and commit to doing them, even when we’re missing the spark of inspiration.

Obstacles Can Be Opportunities Everyone comes up against unexpected obstacles and setbacks along the way to achieving their goals. These bumps in the road are a natural part of our growth and progress. Our track record already proves that we are capable of overcoming obstacles, and even using them to our advantage. By honoring our hard work, giving ourselves room to make mistakes, and utiliz- ing our support system and self-support, we can work through any challenges that arise and come through them with an even greater sense of determination. We can look at every challenge we face as an opportunity to become more conscious of our choices and the ef- fect they are having on our lives.

Check It Out The following are two of an infinite number of examples of people sustaining their motivation in spite of difficult, even dire circumstances:

Sonia Sotomayor was born to a Puerto Rican family and raised in the very rough neighborhoods of the Bronx. When she lost her father at nine years old, she turned to books for solace. Her love of reading, especially Nancy Drew, drove her to the top of her class. Continued academic excellence helped her to win a scholarship to Princeton and, in 2009, to become the first Hispanic Justice in the history of the US Su- preme Court. Read the official White House press release on her confirmation here: www.whitehouse.gov/ the_press_office/Background-on-Judge-Sonia-Sotomayor/

In 1944, 15-year-old Jewish, Romanian Elie Weisel and his family, were forced to live in a cramped ghetto, and then to work as slave laborers in the torturous, dirty, and violently oppressive conditions at Aushwitz, the largest concentration camp operating during World War II. After the camp was liberated in 1945, Weisel moved to the US, where he became a respected writer and humanitarian. He is the author of 57 books, including the best-selling memoir Night, and winner of the Nobel Peace Prize in 1986. Read more about him and his work here: www.eliewieselfoundation.org

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Commitment Living in a world full of distractions, demands and opportunities, it takes real commitment on our part to stick with the process and achieve our goals. What exactly is commitment? What does it entail?

First, we should distinguish between a commitment and an obligation. An “obligation” suggests something we have no choice about, but simply have to do. If we fulfill an obligation, we’re likely to do as little as we can get away with. A “commitment,” on the other hand, is something we want to do because we know that it matters. Though the desired outcome may take a while, commitment means being willing to work hard and consistently invest our time, money, and/or energy in what we believe in. We may already have commit- ments in many areas of our lives, from our relation- ships to political causes, but this way of thinking can be especially useful in advancing us towards our goals. We want the commitment to our big goals to inspire us and carry us through accomplishing our supporting goals, as well as the more mundane, day-to-day tasks and action steps. One great resource already at our disposal to help us in this area is our plan of action.

With our plan of action laid out in front of us, we can see exactly what supporting goals we want to have accomplished by when in order to reach our big goal by the end date. These deadlines that we set for our- selves can be extremely helpful in providing just the right amount of pressure. Though the word typically has a negative connotation, with a positive outlook, pressure can be a motivating or energizing force. The pressure we may feel over an upcoming test, for example, can present a major block to our progress if we allow the time crunch to cause us anxiety or pass it off as a lost cause. On the other hand, we can let the pressure motivate us to be disciplined, plan ahead, and study smart with the time we have. When we set a challenging deadline and meet it, we build trust and confidence in ourselves, and reaffirm our commitment to the end result. Being both firm and forgiving with ourselves, we are empowered to set deadlines in our plan of action that push us to achieve without pushing us down.

The pride and self-trust that comes from sticking with something and consistently meeting our own expec- tations starts us on a supportive cycle that keeps us achieving. This propels us forward and gives us the patience to work thoughtfully and mindfully, chip-

ping away at our biggest goals bit by bit. One week of regular exercise, for instance, isn’t going to make up for three months of Krispy Kremes and channel surf- ing, but a month might; even small changes, when we commit to them, can have a big impact. This is backed up by science, which has shown that habits (things we do automatically) form after only three weeks of consistent action. So we can form a habit like exercis- ing simply by sticking with it for three weeks' time; likewise, we can kick a habit, like smoking, by refusing to pick up a cigarette for those same three weeks.

Of course, there will still be times when we don’t feel like going the extra mile or doing our action steps for the day, and it’s important not to punish ourselves for that. Instead, we might allow ourselves twenty-four hours to rest, reevaluate, or just be present with what- ever we’re going through. After that period has ended, however, we will benefit by recalling the famous Nike slogan, “Just do it.” The reason this simple, almost ob- vious statement has become one of the most famous slogans in advertising history, is because it reminds us that it is within our power to set aside all the procras- tinating, the excuses, the over-thinking, and just do what we need to do to succeed. We have the power!

Staying Connected Feeling isolated or disconnected from other people can make it hard to stay motivated. As social crea- tures, we require social interaction and support to live all-around healthy, fulfilling lives. One way of reminding ourselves that we’re not alone is by getting involved in activities, spending time with friends and loved ones, and even volunteering in our community. When our own plate may be near full, it’s hard to imagine how giving away our time could be anything but a drain. The fact is, however, volunteering can actually give us energy as it boosts our self-esteem and reinforces our connection to other people. Offering just a few hours a week (or month) of our time, whether for a soup kitchen, little league team, environmental organization, healthcare clinic or animal shelter, can act as a deep reminder that we are all in this together. We may even find that the giving becomes reciprocal—when we give, we get in return.

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Exercise: My Rewards We’ve seen how our plan of action can help motivate us with deadlines, and also how meeting those dead- lines can become its own reward. When we’ve achieved what we’ve set out to do, it’s vital to acknowledge and celebrate our accomplishment with something tangible. Although the reward should be something we want, it doesn’t have to be expensive or even related to our goal. We might cook ourselves a nice meal, give ourselves some ‘me’ time to just read or watch a favorite movie, or spend an evening with a friend.

Think about what rewards you might want to give yourself for accomplishing your goals. Then, in the boxes below, write in your three supporting goals and big goal, and assign a reward to each of them.

Reward: Reward: Reward: Reward:

Supporting (3 Month) Goal:

Supporting (6 Month) Goal:

Supporting (9 Month) Goal:

Big (One Year) Goal:

One reward that we can give ourselves everyday is the gift of gratitude. By acknowledging all the reasons we have to be grateful to ourselves, to other people, and/or to any other forces at work in the universe, we give ourselves an inspirational boost. Especially on days that aren’t going so well, reminding ourselves of the ways in which we are fortunate can act as a reassurance that everything’s okay. Gratitude can serve us in this way at any time, and can also be cultivated as a regular practice. Just five minutes a day, upon waking or before bed, is enough time to acknowledge all the many gifts each of us has, put us in a positive frame of mind, and anchor our lives with meaning and purpose.

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Exercise: My Contract with Success The fact is, as much as we may want to succeed, we don’t always feel that we deserve it. If we don’t feel we deserve something, at some point we’re going to lose the motivation to pursue it. This exercise will serve as a reminder—for whenever you’re feeling undeserving or discouraged—of why you always deserve the best from yourself. First, finish the sentence This year I will give myself... with whatever goal you most want to work toward right now. Then, complete To help make sure that happens, every day/week I will... with whatever one thing you need to do on a daily basis to fulfill that goal. Next, finish the sentence I deserve to succeed in all areas of my life because... with any and every reason you believe you deserve to succeed. If, for whatever reason, you don’t feel deserving right now, think about your greatest ally and write out what you think they would say. Now, finish I will commit to my own success because... with the biggest and best reason you can think of for sticking with this goal. Finally, find someone from your support system who can watch you sign this contract, and have them sign it as well, to formalize it and affirm your commitment to yourself.

My Success Contract

This year I will give myself...

To help make sure that happens, every day/week I will...

I deserve to succeed in all areas of my life because...

I will commit to my own success because...

Your signature: _____________________________ Witness signature: ______________________________

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In this section, we will build on the progress we’ve made and

expand our success toolbox with new exercises to enhance our

support system and self-support. Also included in this section

are a second set of the following life direction exercises: Setting

Goals, My Resources, Plan of Action, and My Monthly Plan.

Become Aware Make Choices Support Your Choices

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Support for Managing Your Emotions

Exercise: My Day Replay Looking back over our day is a great way to get insight into what did and didn’t work about our choices, and to give us a better perspective on what actually took place. For instance, we may go to bed feeling like we’ve had an awful day, but when we do a mental review of it in our minds, we may find that there were actually a number of positive points, and that we could manage at least some of the things that weren’t so good differently for a better outcome in the future. Doing this helps us to keep the difficult or unpleasant things manageable, and gives more weight to all that is good about our lives. NOTE: If possible, make copies of this exercise for future use.

Part 1: The Good Stuff You’ll want to do this exercise just before going to bed; it helps to start off doing it as a written exercise, then, if you’re comfortable, simply doing it in your head. First, mentally travel back to this morning and slowly walk through your day, looking for anything at all that felt good—whether it was a significant accomplishment or just a small happy moment. Whenever you come upon something positive, either that you did for yourself or for someone else (e.g. I handled that situation well, I volunteered at the animal shelter), write it in the It felt good that I… box. Then, in the I was glad that... box, write in anything else that gave you a good feeling over the course of your day; it can be something that came from a person or other sources (e.g. a nice conversation with a cowork- er, a beautiful sunny day).

It felt good that I… I was glad that...

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Part 2: The Tough Stuff

This part of the exercise will help you to look at your day with constructive eyes in order to draw helpful informa- tion from any challenging experiences you had, and as a reminder that you have a good deal of control over your emotions and moods. Going back through your day, either forward, backwards or in any way that works, take note of anything that happened that you didn’t feel good about and write it out. If any of these was a situation you handled less well than you would have liked, write down how you could have handled things differently for a better outcome.

NOTE: This exercise can be done in any order. If, as you review your day, you find that the negative things stand out more, it’s best to address those first by starting with The Tough Stuff; if not, begin instead with The Good Stuff.

What I didn’t feel good about:

What, if anything, I could have done differently in that/those situation(s):

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Support for Building Your Support System

Exercise: Adopt a Coach For this exercise, you’re going to identify an ally and ask them to be your coach (or any other term you prefer). Once you’ve thought of someone, write their name below. Then, consider how this person could help sup- port you in reaching your goals. For instance, you may need someone to check in with you every week to see if you’ve fulfilled your action steps, or to meet once a month to talk about your progress and any challenges you’ve had over the month with regards to your goals. Write down whatever you feel this person could offer you, mak- ing sure that what you’re asking for is reasonable. Then, think about how you might approach person, how you would you describe what you’re looking to accomplish, and how you could benefit from their support.

How this coach could support my efforts to reach my goals:

How I’ll describe what I’m looking to accomplish, and how I could benefit from their support:

My Coach:

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Exercise: What I’m Grateful For

What I’m grateful to myself for:

What I’m grateful to other people for:

What I’m grateful to the forces at work in the universe for:

Support for Staying Motivated

The purpose of this exercise is not to ignore all the hard stuff or to try to see the world through rose-colored glasses, but simply to acknowledge everything—big and small—that makes your world a better place to live. It can be done at the end of the day or any time you’re feeling down or discouraged, and as with the My Day Replay exercise, can be done on paper or in your head. If you choose to write it out, you can either make copies of this page and leave them by your bed, or buy a blank book/journal to use for this purpose.

Simply, write out (or think about) anything you feel grateful to yourself for, to other people for, or to the forces of the universe for. It might be an advancement you made toward a goal, a kindness someone showed you, your health, living in a democratic country, a smile you got from a stranger today, anything at all that has made your life a little better. If you're not feeling a strong sense of gratitude at this moment, try to imagine what you would feel grateful for if you could, and write that.

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Support for Reducing Stress

Exercise: Journaling If you’ve ever kept a journal, you know that the act of writing can be freeing and therapeutic. When we allow ourselves to write freely without editing, we often end up learning a lot about how we really feel. We may start off writing about one thing and end up on a different subject altogether, but along the way, previously undiscovered ideas and feelings reveal themselves. We may also get great insights into how to handle previously unmanage- able situations and emotions.

For this exercise, you may want to make copies of this page, or find a nice blank book and a pen you like writing with. The idea is to write for at least five minutes without stopping—not lifting your pen from the page for even a moment once you’ve put it down. It helps to start off with a question or sentence starter like “right now I feel..” You can try using that as an opening, or anything else that comes to mind. Computers work equally well for jour- naling if you find that more comfortable.

Right now I feel...

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Setting Goals

Supporting (3 Month) Goal: Supporting (6 Month) Goal: Supporting (9 Month) Goal:

Date of Completion:Date of Completion: Date of Completion:

VALUE:

Big (One Year) Goal:

Date:

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My Resources

Resources in Support of My Goal:

Supporting (3 Month) Goal:

Resources in Support of My Goal:

Supporting (6 Month) Goal:

Resources in Support of My Goal:

Supporting (9 Month) Goal:

Resources in Support of My Goal:

Big (One Year) Goal:

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Plan of Action VALUE:

Supporting (3 Month) Goal:

Supporting (6 Month) Goal:

Supporting (9 Month) Goal:

Big (One Year) Goal:

Action Steps: Action Steps: Action Steps: Action Steps:

3 3 3 3

Date: Date: Date: Date:

1 1 1 1

2 2 2 2

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Time Management Rx Activities to cut down on

or cut out

Maximum amount of time per day or per week that I want to

spend on this activity is:

Any special arrangements needed to make that happen

Things I want to do more of, or add into my schedule?

Time I want to spend on this activity

Any special arrangements needed to make that happen

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My Monthly Plan Week 4Week 3Week 2Week 1