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Module 8: Conflict

Prior to completing the following, please read Chapter 8 of your textbook.

NOTE: After reading Chapter 8 in the text and reviewing this module and the Chapter 8 PowerPoints and documents, make sure to complete all of the Module 8 Assignments. Please refer to the course calendar or the bottom of this module for a list of the assignments.

Interpersonal Conflict

This module will emphasize interpersonal conflict and review a few of the concepts discussed in Chapter 8. After reading the chapter and completing this module you should be able to:

1 Define interpersonal conflict and discuss some of the misconceptions about conflict

2 Identify various roots (i.e., causes) of conflict and better understand the roots of your own interpersonal conflicts

3 Explain the different approaches to conflict

4 Explain and know the difference between the different family conflict types

5 Describe and discuss the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse"

6 Identify ways to engage in constructive conflict

7 Understand how you can apply these concepts to improve how you handle conflict in your own relationships

Everyone experiences conflict in their various relationships! Watch this humorous (yet realistic) video about the weird things couples fight about. Are you guilty of any of these squabbles with your significant others, roommates, siblings, or parents?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fio7T6mjCbI

(Links to an external site.)

Links to an external site.

And here are MORE weird things all couples fight about:

More Weird Things All Couples Fight About

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Misconceptions about Conflict

We all have our own thoughts and ideas about conflict, and what it means for relationships. Here are three common misconceptions ("falsehoods") about conflict:

Misconception #1: Conflict should be avoided at all costs

· Leads to frustration because conflict is natural!

· Need to focus on the benefits of conflict!

Misconception #2: Conflicts usually result from not understanding each other.

· Not all conflict comes from misunderstanding

· We might disagree because we DO understand each other (but we still have a hard time agreeing or 'getting' why the other person feels or acts the way s/he does)

Misconception #3: All conflict can be resolved

· There may be fundamental differences or irrevocable damage

· Sometimes, separation might be the best response.

Defining Interpersonal Conflict

Interpersonal conflict – “an expressed struggle between at least two interdependent parties, who perceive incompatible goals, scarce resources, and interference from the other party in achieving their goals” (Hocker & Wilmot, 2007, p. 9).

· Conflict may also develop over a difference in attitudes, beliefs, and values.

Think about a recent/memorable conflict you had with a family member, friend, or significant other. The reason for the conflict likely falls under the above definition. For example, when two roommates are struggling to pay rent and get into an argument about one another's spending habits, they are engaged in a conflict over scarce resources. If you and your friend got into a squabble last Saturday night because you wanted to go to the movies and she wanted to go to a party, then your conflict was triggered by incompatible goals (and interference from one another in achieving your preferred goals).

Of course, the "goals" that we manage in our relationships can be more important than making plans on Saturday night. Imagine that Pat gets a promotion at work that requires her to relocate to Nevada. Later that night, she and her partner Casey get into an argument because Pat wants to accept the promotion and move their family to Nevada, but Casey wants her to turn down the promotion so they can stay in Las Cruces. Their conflict stems from incompatible goals; Casey is interfering with Pat's goal to accept the promotion and move to Nevada, and Pat is interfering with Casey's preference to stay in Las Cruces.

Finally, conflict can also develop when relational partners perceive differences in attitudes, beliefs, and values. The reason people who align with different political parties and religions often do not get along is because they hold competing beliefs and values, and most people don't "budge" in these important matters. In fact, research and anecdotal evidence shows that conflicts stemming from differences in beliefs and values are the most difficult for relational partners to recover from, and these types of conflicts often go unresolved and/or lead to relationship dissolution.That's why most of our long-lasting romantic relationships and friendships are with people who have relatively similar beliefs as us; we tend to not want to be around or develop a lasting bond with those who strongly oppose our core values. You might have come across some of the headlines during the 2016 presidential election about married couples filing for divorce because they were voting for different candidates (click here for an interesting article about it

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Links to an external site.

To be sure, having different beliefs and values is not an automatic recipe for conflict and disaster in relationships. We all have friends and family members who we don't agree with on important issues! However, if we want to maintain these relationships, we must find ways to manage these differences, respect the other person's perspective, and keep any conflicts civil.

Roots of Conflict

In order to deal with interpersonal conflict effectively, it is important to understand the underlying cause of the conflict. If we don’t address what triggered an argument, how can we resolve it? A lot of the literature on interpersonal conflict focuses on conflict management styles and how conflict impacts our lives and relationships. While this is important and valuable information, the causes of conflict are often overlooked.

Here are some of the common "roots" (i.e., causes) of conflict:

1 Poor communication

2 Misunderstanding

3 Lack of trust

4 Different beliefs/values

5 Well-established problematic patterns

6 Stubborn pride/ego

7 Limited resources (time, $, energy)

8 Different interests

9 Stress

10 Envy/jealousy

11 Past baggage

12 Fear/insecurity

13 Selfishness

Can you identify the common causes of some of your own conflicts? It is important to be aware of both your own and the other person’s “roots” of conflict. If we do not know why we are disagreeing with someone, it is difficult (if not impossible) to address the issue.

Conflict Approaches and Behaviors

Family Conflict Climates

Conflict climate = “the psychological atmosphere impacting a conflict” (Abigail & Cahn, 2011, p. 103).

Communication scholars have identified two different orientations that create a family's "conflict climate" and how they approach conflict in their interactions with one another. These two orientations are Conversation Orientation and Conformity Orientation.

1.) Conversation orientation

· HIGH Conversation = Interact frequently, openly share thoughts on any topic, and include others in decisions that involve them

· LOW Conversation = Interact less frequently, withhold private thoughts, and limit the input on decision-making and exchange of ideas

Was/is your family HIGH or LOW in conversation orientation?

2.) Conformity orientation

· HIGH Conformity = Family members encourage similar attitudes, beliefs, and values

· Encourage interdependence and obedience to traditional family structure

· LOW Conformity = Family members value individuality in thought and expressions and independence among family members

Was/is your family HIGH or LOW in conformity orientation?

Since the Family Communication Climates were developed over 20 years ago, a large body of research has supported the idea that a family's conversation and conformity orientations results in 4 different family types: Protective, Consensual, Laissez-Faire, and Pluralistic.

Here is a description of each family type and how the family members typically approach conflict:

Family Conflict Climates - Main Takeaways

1 Research shows that most families tend to represent one of the 4 different conflict climates (Protective, Consensual, Laissez-Faire, or Pluralistic).

2 Although some families remain relatively stable in their orientations and conflict climate, many families may exhibit different conversation/conformity orientations depending on the situation. For example, a family may expect high conformity and low conversation (i.e., be protective) when it comes to politics and religion, but allow more freedom of expression when discussing other topics.

3 Additionally, families may evolve over the years and engage in different conflict behaviors as the parents and children get older. For example, a family that was highly protective when the children were younger may "loosen up" and become more Laissez-Faire once the children show more responsibility and maturity in their teens.

4 Research consistently shows that the type of family conflict climate that you grew up in will impact how you approach conflict with in your relationships as an adult. In other words, we tend to carry the "lessons" we learned about conflict in our family-of-origin into our future relationships. Again, this may not be the case for everyone. However, the way we are socialized to handle conflict does appear to have an impact on our conflict behaviors as adults, and it often takes time and effort to alter these ingrained behaviors.

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

The Four Horseman of the Apocalypse is a “behavioral cascade” in which the 1st behavior triggers the next (and so on). The Four Horseman Behaviors, identified by psychologist Dr. John Gottman, are criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling.

· These four behaviors are believed to sabotage attempts to communicate

· Once the “cascade” in motion, the process is tough to reverse.

· Consistent predictor of divorce/separation.

· In fact, over decades of research, Dr. Gottman has found that the presence of these 4 behaviors in a relationship can predict with over 80% accuracy that a couple will divorce or separate. When attempts to repair the damage created by these 4 behaviors are met with rejection, Dr. Gottman states that there is a 90% chance that the relationship will end in separation or divorce.

NOTE: Most couples will engage in all 4 of these behaviors at some point throughout the lifetime of their relationship, and many can work through these issues and repair any damage caused by the horsemen. However, when these 4 behaviors take "permanent residence" in a relationship, the relationship has a high likelihood of failing.

1. Criticism

· Goes beyond a complaint by blaming or attacking the partner

· Focus is on the other person (their character or personality) rather than their behavior or the issue

· “You always” and “You never”

In the following excerpt from Anderson Cooper's talk show, Dr. John Gottman discusses criticism and shows an example of the behavior (you can STOP the video at the 2:03 mark):

Four Negative Patterns That Predict Divorce (Part 1)

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2. Defensiveness

· Often a natural response to criticism

· Attempt to avoid blame or deny responsibility

· Making excuses, whining, responding with a complaint about the other person

· Cross-complaining

In the following excerpt from Anderson Cooper's talk show, Dr. John Gottman discusses defensiveness and shows an example of the behavior (you can stop the video at the 0:54 mark):

Four Negative Patterns That Predict Divorce (Part 2)

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3. Contempt

· Any verbal or nonverbal expression that communicates the message “you are stupid,” “you just don’t get it,” or “I am better than you.”

· Criticism with the intention to insult (hostile humor, hostile mockery, sarcasm, rolling eyes, etc.)

· Typically causes irrevocable damage to the relationship

In the following excerpt from Anderson Cooper's talk show, Dr. John Gottman discusses contempt and shows an example of the behavior (you can START the video at the 2:04 mark):

Four Negative Patterns That Predict Divorce (Part 1)

4. Stonewalling

· The partner (or partners) “shut down”

· Blank facial expression, no eye contact, removing themselves from the situation, no response or a dismissive response (e.g., “whatever”)

· Partners do not even acknowledge or listen to each other anymore; indicates that they have “given up”

In the following excerpt from Anderson Cooper's talk show, Dr. John Gottman discusses stonewalling and shows an example of the behavior (you can START the video at the 0:55 mark):

Four Negative Patterns That Predict Divorce (Part 2)

Click here

(Links to an external site.)

Links to an external site.

for some helpful relationship tips and to learn more about Dr. Gottman's research.

Constructive Conflict

1.) Develop conflict rules with your relational partner.

· Consideration rules: “don’t belittle me”

· Rationality rules: “don’t raise your voice”

· Self-expression rules: “let’s be honest”

· Conflict resolution rules: “give reasons for your views”

2.) Practice the 5:1 ratio of positivity to negativity (Gottman)

· Dr. Gottman's research reveals that couples in the most successful and long-lasting relationships exhibit more positive than negative behaviors toward one another. He has found that, for the most satisfied couples, the ratio of positive to negative behaviors is 5:1. This is true of any relationship/friendship!

3.) Engage in Meta-Communication

· Meta-Communication = looking back at a communication episode (e.g., a conflict), analyzing it, and talking about it. Thus, meta-communication is "communicating about communication."

· By looking back on conflict episodes and discussing one another's behaviors and comments, relational partners can pinpoint why they are upset and what they can do differently in the future.