for Catherine
volepate
gradedthesis.docxEnglish 102
6-30-17
Thesis Statement
There is a lot more involved beyond just eating food to fill your stomach or satisfy hunger pangs. Real food has been substituted with other products that only make profits for their sellers. These products do not have as much nutritional value as the original foods but sadly consumers reach out for them. People live in a state of confusion given the many kinds of products that are conventionally referred to as food. People need to go back to the indigenous foods that were staples for our fore fathers. In retrospect, people in the olden days did not suffer from lifestyle diseases such as diabetes and high blood pressure as it is being experienced today. The food products found in the shelves today are full of chemical additives and artificial flavors that lie to our senses thereby causing continued harm. Processed foods contain additives in the form of chemicals that are used to increase their shelf life.
References.
Kennedy, D. (2014). Eat your Greens: The Surprising Power of Homegrown Leaf Crops. New Society Publishers.
Conner, C. (2014). Grow a Sustainable Diet: Planning and Growing to Feed Ourselves and the Earth.
False Statement
In fact, no. The only way to satisfy hunger without eating is to have food pumped into your stomach directly by way of a tube.
Pathos
Can you think of a way to sell healthy food without making a profit for the sellers?
What does making a profit have to do with eating?
Syntax
You mean they buy them?
Audience
Thesis is too simple: A good thesis shouldn't state something that is obviously true. When your thesis is too easy to prove your essay can become repetitive and you may feel that you do not have enough to write about. A complex thesis on the other hand, requires you to convince your reader that your argument is logical and will reveal ideas that cannot be easily anticipated. A worthwhile thesis will always outline an argument with which a reader can readily disagree.
Obvious Statement. This statement is obvious. It does not need to be included. It is either targeting the wrong audience, being used to add length to the essay, or it is otherwise saying something clear to anyone with a basic amount of knowledge.
You are not targeting an appropriate audience. Rethink who is best-suited to help you solve your problem and write to those people specifically.
Question for you. How old were you when you knew that eating a leafy salad was better for you than eating Frosted Flakes or some other boxed food?
Grade: 10/15
There are two things are bringing down your grade here: control of basic prose and obvious statements. A high school kid should know that salad is better than processed food. That they eat despite this knowledge is the problem. You have to address a college audience. That means that the people who read your essay have to be either college students or graduates, problem solvers looking to work out why people are not eating healthy food. There's simply no way for us to go back to eating "indigenous foods". That's not even anything we'd be able to define. With the population of the earth in the billions of people, we need to make food on a massive scale to keep people from starving. You have simply listed sources. You don't use them in any way. So...now what?
