Rough Draft Review Process Evaluation

Proofed Paper: ntp230643 - Mon May 29 22:56:43 EDT 2017

Paper Title: Final Paper Rough Draft

No. of Pages: 5 PAGES

Paper Style: APA Paper Type: Other

Taken English? Yes English as Second Language? No

Feedback Areas: Citations & References, Focus/Thesis Statement

Paper Goals: ALL

Proofing Summary:

Hi Cory,

I’m Kristen, your composition tutor for the Writing Center. I have reviewed your submission and have several suggestions that will

help you revise. Please feel free to contact us through a live chat session with any follow-up questions or for any clarification.

Below, you will find a revision plan along with margin comments within your paper. Use my suggestions as a starting point for the

revision process. Also, please note that I have not edited or proofread the entire draft for minor errors, but rather, focused on overall

concerns such as idea development. For a complete look at your grammar and punctuation, please use the Grammarly software

available under “Writing Center” in your classroom.

It looks like you are off to a good start with your paper discussing the issues with the refugee crisis and proposing a solution. You

have included many good points so far.

For your revisions, I suggest focusing on:

1) Thesis Statement

Work on constructing a more specific thesis statement for the final paper. The thesis should present the problem, the proposed

solution that you are arguing for, and the ethical outcomes that you will be discussing. Consider something like this format for your thesis:

(Your issue) should/should not ____. Instead, we should (insert your solutions to the problem). These solutions create (insert the

positive and negative ethical implications).

Often, the thesis is found at the end of the first paragraph, but your thesis is not presented until the third page of the paper. Make

sure that this is acceptable for this assignment.

See this link for more information on thesis statements: https://awc.ashford.edu/essay-dev-thesis-statements.html

2) Topic Development

You have good points in your solution section, but be sure to be specific with your plan. How will these be implemented? Will there

be a governing force overseeing the distribution and relocation of refugees if this is a worldwide problem? How will sanctuary routes

be established? Who will be responsible for these? How will resettlement be managed? Consider points like these as you continue

to revise. In the solution section, generally, you generally should present a solution, discuss how it will be implemented, and explain

how it will be effective in addressing the problems that you discussed.

As you continue, be sure that you are meeting all of the main points of the assignment prompt. If you break down the prompt, you

will see that it is asking for you to:

- discuss the problem,

- propose a solution to the problem,

- evaluate the validity, reliability, and biases of the sources you used in addition to pointing out where more research is needed, and

- show ethical implications of your proposed solution.

Be sure to provide perspectives from multiple disciplines or populations so that you fully represent what different parts of society

have to say about this issue. Construct an argument supporting your proposed solution(s). Be sure to consider multiple disciplines or

populations so that your solution shows that multiple parts of society will benefit from this solution.

Take a look at your sample paper for this assignment to get a better idea of what each part of the paper should include. This also

has a good example of an argumentative thesis. You can find the sample paper here: http://tinyurl.com/j7qq7mc

See page 12 for the rest of your review...

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In APA, you generally do not need a heading for the introduction.

Is the refugee the movement or part of the movement?

You do not seem to need these words with the phrasing here.

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First level headings should be in bold font.

For your final paper, work on

constructing a more specific

thesis statement. it should

present the problem, the

proposed solution you will be

arguing for, and the ethical

implications you will be

discussing. The thesis should

generally be found in the first

paragraph of the paper.

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Proofed Paper: ntp230643 - Mon May 29 22:56:43 EDT 2017

Make sure the subject and verb are in agreement.

What subject is missing after the introductory phrase here.

Is this the normal routine of all

marriages or in a certain culture?

Could you be more specific here?

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Proofed Paper: ntp230643 - Mon May 29 22:56:43 EDT 2017

How will these routes be established

and who will oversee them?

How will having these routes

reduce these costs and amount of

refugees? Will countries be taking

in less people? Why is that? Could

you explain?

How will reducing death reduce

overcrowding in hospitals?

Could you clarify wording here?

What can be put in place to help

these people crossing the

Mediterranean?

How could these views be changed?

What could be done to educate

people?

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What type of sources is this? Is it a book, an article in

a journal, or a web page? Make sure that it has all

required information and is formatted correctly.

The titles of books should be placed in

sentence style capitalization and

italicized.

The titles of journals and volume

numbers should be italicized.

The titles of web pages should be

placed in sentence style

capitalization and italicized.

The titles of articles should be placed

in sentence style capitalization.

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3) Citations and References

For citations and references, I have made notes where possible. Be sure to review your APA style guide to ensure that

you are meeting all formatting requirements.

For help with citing in your reference list, click here: https://awc.ashford.edu/cd-apa-reference-models.html

or see these samples: https://awc.ashford.edu/PDFHandouts/APA_References_List_Sample.pdf

See this link for more information on in-text citations: https://awc.ashford.edu/cd-in-text-citation-guide.html

4) Grammar

For sentence structure and grammar, I have pointed out examples of issues and explained them on your paper. I have

marked them only once, so watch out for reoccurring issues as you continue to revise. Grammarly is a great resource to

use before submitting your paper. Grammarly is a free grammar check tool that proofreads your paper and teaches you

about the grammar errors you made in your paper. For help setting up your Grammarly account, go to your course, and

under Course Home, click on the tab, Writing Center, then choose the Grammar Help tab. The video there called

Grammarly Tutorial will help you to set up your account.

Good luck in the course, and I hope we can help you with your next assignment.

Kristen

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