prof_Dismuz

Paul John

Outline 3

Word count: 313

A narrative essay is describing my reaction upon hearing that I had won the sporting's jackpot.

Having been an addict to sports betting and numerous trials in trying to win the pot having failed, the moment they contacted to inform that I had won the cash price jackpot the reactions that unmasked proofed the ambiguity of the news. I had risked my savings in trying the full risk adventure with numerous setback and negative attitude from my fellow compatriots, "you are wasting your time and money in sports betting because you have never warned." The joy that filled my face proofed their concerns wrong because despite winning the betting odds I also wore the odds they had to me. Comment by Joel.Conway: Add an apostrophe to make this word possessive. Comment by Joel.Conway: Who? Comment by Joel.Conway: Reword for clarity. Comment by Joel.Conway: “prize”? Comment by Joel.Conway: Unclear—reword. Spend time in one of MCC’s writing labs working on your sentence clarity and presentation. You have too many sentence-level errors. Comment by Joel.Conway: Run-on sentence. Comment by Joel.Conway: Wrong word. Comment by Joel.Conway: Do you mean “proved”?? Comment by Joel.Conway: I don’t understand what this means.

· The reaction that followed upon hearing of the news

On hearing the news, I thought it was a prank, and it never occurred to me whether it was the reality. Comment by Joel.Conway: Your goal for your support/body paragraphs is to prove you felt ‘joyful’ by showing what you did after you heard the news. What was the first thing you did after hearing you won? Develop a focused paragraph showing that first thing, making sure you empathize in your topic sentence and support that you were joyful/happy. Then develop your support chronologically. What did you do later that night? The next day? Etc. Tell a chronological story that proves you were joyful after you won the jackpot.

· How I expressed myself upon confirming of the reality of the news?

Once I recognized that the story was real, I forwarded the message to my friends and contacted them. Comment by Joel.Conway: This is a workable idea for a body paragraph to show the joy you felt. Keep your support focused on showing how your interchange with your friends was a happy occasion for you.

· The reason that resulted in my reactions

I wanted to proof the once that thought my relentless efforts would bear any fruit. Comment by Joel.Conway: Unclear—reword.

· The reactions that marked with individuals that I informed the news

I could feel the guilt masked within the joyful expression of my friends.

· The events that shaped the later part of my day

My thoughts didn't settle because of my treacherous fanaticism of possession and usage of the money. Comment by Joel.Conway: Revise—show what you did to keep the joyful/happy emotion focused on.

· The presence of publicity that revolved

Upon receiving the information and contacted I was informed that I was going to be aired on national television.

· How I reduced my treacherous fanaticism

I opted on scrapping of the ideology from my thoughts through continued implementation of my current day schedules.

Comments: Hi Paul. Please make sure you can see my marginal comments. If you can’t you may need to adjust the “Review” settings on the top toolbar. You have some workable ideas in your approach. Make sure to keep your focus on proving the “joy” you felt as you tell a story about what you did after you won the jackpot. As you work on making changes and constructing Paper 3, send me a message if you have any questions.