Counseling Theories

30:40 MARLOU CRUZ Okay. I have a client, I've been seeing her for about three years, and uhm, she is in a relationship. She's been married for ten years. She has no children of her own. Uhm, she has adopted one son recently, last year, and currently has another child that she's been fostering. My struggle with her is uhm, it seems like she's struggling to have a relationship and at the same time she's sabotaging the relationship with uhm, her 14-year-old. Uhm, she comes from a family that's intact. Ah, her brother died when she was much younger ah, about age 25. She's about ten years older. She married a man uhm, who also had the same grief/loss issues, where he had lost a brother uhm, about ten years younger. And uhm, so, they have a lot of uhm, emotional support about being, being committed to one another, always taking care of one another. Her family history has it that uhm, her father has heart problems. Uhm, her brother died because of a heart problem. And uhm, I think part of the reason why they don't have children is possibly the fear of passing on uhm, this genetic heart problem to a child that uhm, they, very much desire to have, but the fear is just so great. Uhm, anyhow, she has a relationship with this ah, 14-year-old foster child , and she's really struggling. She would like to be close to him, and what I see is that they're very similar in personalities. Uhm, what's been happening is she has a lot of ah, "shoulds." "He needs to do this, he needs to do, to do that, for us to be close." But what I see is that uhm, they tend to have a lot of uhm, conflicts stemming from basic normal relationship, where he doesn't desire to do his homework, she feels that he needs to do this. She's a teacher, her mother is a teacher. And uhm, her relationship with her husband is one where uhm, she requires his support. If she doesn't feel his support, then I notice ah, she becomes more passive-aggressive. Uhm, one of things that we've been working on is having her vocalize just her feelings at the very moment, because everything seems to be in her head. Uhm, "I think that this needs to happen for this to occur. If uhm, my husband were here more often to help me with uhm, with, with the children uhm, the 14-year-old, then I can then feel like I'm part of this family." She feels ostracized from the family , uhm, and it's causing her to feel depressed. Uhm, she feels bad all the time. Ah, maybe she's not doing enough. She at other times ah, seeks to be very close to uhm, her son , to be a part of the family , but in some ways her personality is just very different, uhm, she closes off some, for whole week sometimes. She will go into the bedroom and not wanna talk to any of them because she's upset, but they don't know what to do because they feel like they're walking on eggshells around her. Uhm, so.

34:05 ARNOLD LAZARUS Now tell me about the child who was adopted.

34:10 MARLOU CRUZ Uh-huh.

ARNOLD LAZARUS Just remind me, this is how old the child now?

34:15 MARLOU CRUZ He is now 19 years old.

ARNOLD LAZARUS Nineteen.

MARLOU CRUZ Uh-huh.

ARNOLD LAZARUS And she gets on with this kid okay?

34:20 MARLOU CRUZ She does. They're very similar in personality.

ARNOLD LAZARUS So, but you said the 14-year-old is creating problems?

34:25 MARLOU CRUZ Yes.

ARNOLD LAZARUS And that's the foster child .

MARLOU CRUZ Uh-hmm.

ARNOLD LAZARUS And the, that the 19-year-old, because of these similarities, works well. Is that what you're saying?

34:30 MARLOU CRUZ Yes.

ARNOLD LAZARUS So he does attend to these little details that she thinks are so important.

34:35 MARLOU CRUZ He did, he had lived in the home for about three years, and they struggled with the same issues, ah, over homework issues. Uhm, It's only after the time when he was getting ready to leave ah, to go into the service that they started to bond.

34:50 ARNOLD LAZARUS I see.

MARLOU CRUZ Uhm, so, now we're seeing a replication of some similar issues from the first child ah, who was also a foster child uhm, and this one now. Only this child that they have is much younger, you know.

35:05 ARNOLD LAZARUS And what does husband do for a living?

MARLOU CRUZ Ah, he works, Accounting.

35:10 ARNOLD LAZARUS Okay. Because one of the first thoughts that I had here was whether or not it would be helpful to bring in the, in the couple and maybe even the family , of course, there seems to be a family issue is what I'm hearing. Well, what's your take on that?

35:30 MARLOU CRUZ Well, I have met with them as a family but what I'm noticing is that there's so much going on in her life that uhm, the family is willing to work on several issues together, but what I'm hearing from her is more of uhm, her struggles and things that she needs ah, to feel filled in her life. Uhm, When she was younger, ah, I think she was a parentified child , and uhm, she was the eldest. A very good child . Never did anything wrong. Uhm, but it also allowed her to be overlooked all the time, and her siblings were the ones that were given the attention; the sibling that died and her other brother . Uhm, and I think she's comfortable to a point with that, but now that it's her own family , and she's feeling the same feelings of being ostracized again, or being forgotten, she has the feel-bad syndrome, and at the same time uhm, the anger that I'm the wife , I need to be a priority, I need to be heard in this family and uhm, even when they try to give her that, it's still not enough. And then she just goes again into her room, oftentimes, and just doesn't wanna talk to anybody.