please revise from the comments left on paper

Smarthinking Tutor Response Form

Your tutor has written overview comments about your essay in the form below. Your tutor has also embedded comments [in bold and in brackets] within your essay. Thank you for choosing Smarthinking to help you improve your writing!

Hello, Nelson! This is Jenra R., and I look forward to working with you on this Essay Center Review to improve your writing today. Let's get started!

*Writing Strength:  Noting “MQ-1 predator and Reaper drones” helped concretize your ideas of UAVs in your sentence, “UAVs such as the MQ-1 predator and Reaper drones made by United States military supports several functions.” Nice one!

Content Development  First, you were not able to include a timeline, which is needed (Provides a horizontal visual historic timeline). Not doing so would mean that the discussion is incomplete that could lead to deductions. To avoid this, include a timeline. To help you with this, try using this:

In each box, place a predecessor. Then, compliment this with year, which you would place in the “line” right under/above the predecessor. To make the timeline more logical, present first (in the left) the one that first occurred (moving to the right). Given these, how might you complete the timeline above? What are predecessors explained below? When did these happen? While I only used four boxes, feel free to use more if needed. Organization  Next, focus the discussion on the specific technologies that were invented that contributed to the emergence of drones, Nelson. Right now, you’ve explained the types of drones we have seen through the years (for instance Traditional military drones), and this is different from what was asked.

If I were to write a paper like yours and my chosen technology is social media, I would choose these predecessors: telephone, Internet, and smartphones. Here, I have three specific technologies. I could focus on Initial Social Media, Pre-New Millennium Social Media, and Modern Social Media, but I did not. By using telephone, Internet, and smartphones, I am focusing my discussion to the specific technologies, which is what was asked.

Going back to your draft, let’s do the same! Instead of highlighting the types, such as “Traditional military drones,” what specific technologies used here contributed to the development of drones? For example, under “Traditional military drones,” you’ve mentioned balloons, reconnaissance drones, and aerodromes; focus on these instead. To do so, begin by changing the headings from “Traditional military drones” to “balloons,” “reconnaissance drones,” and “aerodromes.” Apply this suggestion to the rest of the draft.

*Nelson 9370378 has requested that you respond to the Transitions:   

Lastly, some of your sentences could use transitional words to clearly express its connections. Here is an example:

Their ability to connect to the server room is very fast. They can be able to take multiple instructions at once and execute them immediately.

The two sentences are connected, yet this connection is not apparent. One way to present the connection is by including a transitional word. Transitional words can let you can achieve more effective movement from sentence to sentence. Please see an example below:

Social media allows sharing of ideas on an international scale. Additionally , this lets people to be connected via comments.

In my example, I used the transitional word “additionally” to connect the two related sentences. Now, what is the relationship between your sentences above? How is the first sentence, which is about fast connection to the server, connected to the second sentence, which is about the ability to take multiple instructions at once and execute them immediately? What transitional word can you add to provide a good transition or connection to these ideas? Visit Smooth Transitions (Chapter 3: Lesson 5) for more help.

*Nelson 9370378 has requested that you respond to the Sentence Structure:   

I apologize, but I will not comment on this aspect because your paper has other aspects that need to be addressed. We can discuss this on your next submission assuming you have revised your paper following the suggestions above. For now, you can visit Commas (Chapter 5: Section 3, Lesson 4) and Comma Splices and Run-Ons (Chapter 5: Section 4, Lesson 6) for more help. 

Summary of Next Steps: 

To give you a review, here is a list of all my comments and suggestions above:

· Include a timeline.  

· Focus on the specific technologies before drones and not its types.  

· Connect sentences using transitional word(s).

Thank you for submitting your essay for a review, Nelson. I enjoyed helping you with this step in the revision process. Have a good day! –Jenra R.

You can find more information about writing, grammar, and usage in the  Smarthinking Writer's Handbook .

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Please look for comments [in bold and in brackets] in your essay below. Thank you for submitting your work to Smarthinking! We hope to see you again soon.

Drone Technology: Historic Timeline and Predecessor Assessment Draft

Name: Nelson Ramos

Institutional affiliation: DeVry

Instructor: LAS432

Date: 1/17/17

Introduction

The history of unmanned aerial vehicles (UAV) is as long as the history of aircrafts. The idea of drones started with the idea of balloons. [What are drones exactly? Explaining or describing drones here would enrich this part.] More improvements were gradually made with better the systems. Later most counties ventured in the development of modern drones with artificial intelligence capabilities. The use of drones in the ancient time was associated with the military. Rapid technological growth has revolutionized drone warfare. Civilians are also able to afford drones for both commercial and private use.

Traditional military drones (1800-1945)

Ancient military leaders always dreamed about a time when the will be able to reach their enemies from a distance. They made many attempts to fly manned aerial vehicles over enemy territories. Unfortunately they were easily shot down by the enemy antiaircraft fire. [In this sentence, what punctuation mark do you need to set off your introductory element (Unfortunately) that I also used in setting off “In this sentence”?] Military leaders made more attempts to reach their enemies through air. For instance the Austrian army used balloons to attack Venice in 1849. The Japanese used similar balloons to carry out the Fu-go bombings in 1945.

The United States military was not left behind in the manufacture of these primitive drones. The US confederate forces flew reconnaissance drones during the American civil war. In 1896 Samuel Langley developed several unpiloted aircrafts nicknamed aerodromes which hovered over Washington D.C.

The 19th and 20th century drones used simple radio technology. Tele-automation technology and cameras were essential to carry out operations. They were pioneered by Nicola Telsa. He used remote control systems to control the drones. These radio controlled planes proved to be useful in the first and Second World War. During this time drones were fitted with cameras to produce aerial photographs. The main aim of traditional drones was to reach the target and drop bombs. They were basically a kind of a flying bomb targeting enemy territories.

Modern military drones (1945-2017)

Development of next generation military drones was pioneered by the United States military. They were first developed during the cold war to provide surveillance. They were intended to provide intelligence on any denied area. The new challenge of terrorism has motivated the American air force to rethink its military strategy. The current United States military strategy is based on counterterrorism from the skies through surveillance and killing. Ford 2015 describes the use of drones to counter terrorism as the new paradigm for warfare. He clearly shows how this new super intelligent drones will transform warfare.

Modern military drones operate on high end laser technology; they have a very high connectivity. Their ability to connect to the server room is very fast. They can be able to take multiple instructions at once and execute them immediately.

Although modern military drones have an improved structural design they still rely on remote launching. They operate on a single mother board with multiple computing functions. This enables them to have an advanced processing power. They are much smaller in size but smarter in functions. They offer multiple solutions to military organizations such as intelligence gathering, aerial surveillance and accurate remote killing.

Modern drones have a high sensing capability. UAVs such as the MQ-1 predator and Reaper drones made by United States military supports several functions. These drones are not only made for war, they support accurate surveillance and can provide rescue missions to captured soldiers. [This is a comma splice (two sentences connected by a comma). To fix this, what punctuation mark could you use after “These drones are not only made for war”? You could use the punctuation mark that ends a sentence or the one that connects two sentences.] They have precise targeting capabilities such that they can hit a specific target in a crowded market. The capabilities of drone warfare have been put into practice in the Vietnam and Pakistan war. The military has successfully utilized laser-guided target system to weaponize drones with air to ground missiles widely known as hellfire, (Aitken, 2014).

Modern civilian drones (1990-2017)

The 21st century has been marked by rapid technological advancement. As a result the cost of drones has gradually reduced. More civilians can purchase UAVs for both private and commercial uses. They are used in wildlife protection, farm management and recently in sporting. Giant online marketers such as Amazon have developed drones to facilitate delivery of goods. These precise drones will be used to deliver purchased goods to clients within a short time. Drones have also become essential in the supply of medical drugs and surgical equipment to remote hospitals. [What evidence could you add here to support this claim, Nelson? For instance, which pharmaceutical company uses drones in delivering medical drugs and surgical equipment to which remote hospitals?]

Conclusion

The future of drones for both military and civilian use seems to be bright. Drones manufacturing giants are working day and night to provide drones with more functions. Technology has proved to offer better drones with multiple uses in the future. Quad copters have become increasingly famous. The presence of quad copters and drone-police patrolling cities or carrying passengers without onboard supervision would be a big step for humanity.

References

Nocks, L. (2007). The robot: The life story of a technology. Westport, Conn. [u.a.: Greenwood Press.

Ford, M. (2015). Rise of the drones: Technology and the threat of a jobless future.

In Cases on communication technology.London. kate printing press